Chris Brown. What’s he going to be remembered for? Selling a load of lousy records? His pastel coloured blazers? Of course not. He’ll forever be remembered as the man that punched ten-shades out of Rihanna.

As yet, Breezy has failed to say anything approaching ‘sorry’ for the attack and, indeed, preferred to ‘forgive his enemies’ who keep bringing it up, like its our fault he thwacked his bony knuckles against RiRi’s skull repeatedly.

And thanks to him failing to show any kind of remorse, he’s been told that he must remain on probation. That’s not stopped the Grammies from booking him though. We can only hope for another ‘shirt-off, chair through a window’ episode, eh?

A judge in LA said that Brown should continue to report to an official in Virginia. If his actions are no longer criminal, his awful, awful records are worthy of official investigation all the same.

Despite the fact that Brown was sentenced to 180 hours community service and five years probation, which has been extended, he’ll still be appearing at this weekend’s Grammy show in LA… ALONGSIDE RIHANNA!

Hurray!

This has come about after a judge relaxed the restraining order that banned Brown from contacting Rihanna or getting within 10 yards of her. Basically, the judge wanted to ensure that Rihanna was just out of arm’s reach.

Rumours abound that Brown and Rihanna are something of an item again, which with any luck, will be career suicide for the pair of them. Seriously. We’re sick of the sight of either of them to be perfectly frank. However, such is the blind devotion of Team Breezy (that’s the self-appointed collective name for those ditheringly stupid enough to call themselves fans of ol’ Fisty McPunchy), it looks like he’s going to hang around a good while yet.

Also performing at this year’s Grammys are Paul McCartney, Adele, Nicki Minaj, Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, Coldplay, Foo Fighters and Taylor Swift.

Jesus wept.

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Of course, Drake isn’t the first singer to say that they want to play a famous person in a film. In 2005 Michael Bublé told The Sun that he was in talks to play a member of the Rat Pack in “Frank Sinatra: The Primark Years” while more recently, Lady Gaga told assembled journalists that it was her life’s ambition to play Madonna in a movie of her life.

Speaking to VH1, Drake said:

“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal. I watch all the addresses. Any time I seen him on TV, I don’t change the channel. I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice.”

Let’s get the inflections right before we look at anything else. The rapper, known for tracks such as Take Care and Over, is so dedicated to becoming an Obama impersonator that he’s willing to take the advice of professionals.

“If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.”

There’s your first mistake, Drake. Any idiot knows that you don’t ask people who know you if you’re good at something. How do you think we all ended up as writers, living in a hovel and eating our own shoes for sustenance? Exactly.

Though famous for making excellent life choices, Rihanna has made one more – by getting a set of hideous tattoos. Most female celebrity tattoos look like they were purchased with a Groupon voucher and inked by Micheal J Fox post-Parkinson’s. Rihanna’s are no exception.

The never-knowingly-dressed starlet has got the words ‘Thug Life’ inked on her knuckles, and something so wonderfully secret that she’s yet to tweet a photo on her back.

Yes, you read that right. Thug. Life. Life must be really tough in that multi-million dollar ghetto she’s living in. We heard that just the other day the barista accidentally gave her the wrong sort of soya milk in her dickheaduccino. So she had him drive-by’ed (we possibly made this up).

Rihanna tweeted about the new tat saying:

“? All these b****es screaming that 2pac back ? #THUGLIFE.”

AND

“Tat my fuckin name on u girl so I know its real!!! #MINE”

Getting another tattoo was possibly the least shocking thing Rihanna could do. If she really wanted to shock us, she should show us a clean bill of health from an STD clinic, or convert to Mormonism.

Rihanna is clearly showing signs of dementia. Not only does she appear to ask her grandmother what her name is in one of her songs, her tattoos seem to show Memento-like references to her life. The 14 that we can think of are…

1. Musical notes on her right foot. An obvious reference to her career choice.

2. Pisces sign behind her ear. So she knows her month of birth

3. Some misspelled Sanskrit jibberish down her side. To remind her that she’s an unswerving nincompoop.

4. A star in her left ear – to remind her about the ones she got on her back

5. More foreign scrawlings on her ribcage. Allegedly her order at Starbucks

6. Skull on her foot – to remind her not to order a starter AND a desert

7. The word ‘love’ on her finger. It’s on the hand she used to shield her face from the blows

8. Shhh on another finger. Short for Shut The Fuck Up.

9. The date of her best friend’s birthday.

10. Tribal design – to remind her to rip off other people’s culture, as well as their music

11. A gun near her boob – useful during hostage situations and robberies.

12. ‘Rebelle Fleur’ on her neck or something (we lost interest at this point). Because thing sound less dickish in French, right?

13. And the kicker – ‘Never a failure, always a lesson’ WRITTEN IN MIRROR WRITING ON HER SHOULDER.

Rihanna is a douche of the highest proportions. We know we’re not really allowed to say this, but forget Chris Brown – we’re willing to bet that if Ghandi was left in a room with her, he’d be using her meaty thighs to beat her to death with four minutes in.

Tops.

If we were Rihanna, then the only tattoo we’d accept should read: stop humping woman-abusing low lives. Or warning: will go into anaphylactic shock if forced to wear more than two items of clothing.

Guess what?! It’s nearly February 8th! What does that mean? Well, that date marks the three-year anniversary of Chris Brown punching ten shades out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna! Ain’t that grand? It really is. The whole world came together like knuckles on eye-socket on that day.

And there’s more!

See, despite previously being forcibly separated by a court order, RiRi and Breezy (honestly, what is it with these nicknames? Are they 10 years old or something?) could be seeing in the anniversary together as multiple sources confirm that the pair have been secretly been (right) hooking up for nearly a year!

Apparently, the pair “meet up very casually,” (whatever that means) according to a Brown confidante.

“She comes to see him anytime she’s in L.A.”

“They can’t get enough of each other. I don’t see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that”

To be honest, we’re thoroughly sick of the sight of Rihanna (seriously – three new singles out every 5 minutes and billions of pointless column inches about her supposedly edgy, risque sex life. WE’RE TIRED NOW) and Chris Brown is, well, famous despite a lack of decent music and a alarmingly quick temper.

And when Breezy isn’t trying to throw chairs through a window while tearing his shirt off like Hulk at a TV station, this clandestine Rihanna business is complicated further by the fact Brown seems to have a girlfriend by the name of Karrueche Tran.

Shrieking hysterically, Breezy rep says:

“He and Rihanna are just friends. He’s not cheating!”

As Shakespeare once said, the well-paid representative doth protest too much.

Either way, this kicks the door open in a wife-beater vest for a swarm of Team Breezy (fans of Chris Brown if you’re wondering)  to scream and yell the place down, demanding forgiveness for a man who has systematically failed to apologise for assaulting a woman.

Every week, hecklerspray is inundated with people who have opinions about us, our lives, our right to do the job we do and the celebrities that we take the piss out of. It’s always delightful to sit and sift through page after page of people telling us that we should be killed or have various parts of our anatomies sheered off by a sharpened snowboard.

Of course, those ones are our favourites and they’re the ones that we keep for ourselves and take to bed with us at night so that the burning hatred of the reader can keep us warm in our cold beds.

These ones are for you…

 Yes, it’s time to trawl through our putrid postbag as we bring you the best/worst of this week’s Readers’ Letters.

This week saw the triumphant return of one of our longest running features after the Christmas period. However, this week’s Hecklerscopes were met with a sniper’s bullet, fired by Kev:

Oh come on, The Daily Mash has been doing these for years.

Oh no! We cried! He’s on to us! We’ve ripped a feature idea off The Daily Mash! How incredibly awkward! We’ll have to issue a full and frank apology to all our readers that were offended by our shameless plagiarism. That was until the notorious hecklerspray Phantom pointed this out:

 So have we…

http://www.hecklerspray.com/hecklerspray-horoscopes-14-20-feb/20062232.php

So pipe down.

Whoops! Sorry Kev, looks like we’re not as unoriginal as you thought. Still, what is unoriginal is the slew of dribbling crapsacks who seem to rely on us for “news” and “facts”. Like Aba here, who was incensed that we comedically overstated Beyoncé & Jay-Z’s hospital demands:

Untrue, the hospital issued a statement denying these rumours. Stop posting false info!!!

Absolutely not. Misinformation is what keeps our blackened hearts beating. We’ll never give it up, not in a million years. Another thing we’ll never give up is picking on Chris Brown and his legion of idiotic fans who believe that he shouldn’t be open to lampooning because he could probably knock seven shades of shit out of us (especially the girls). Deed P was so incensed that he/she forgot how to spell:

I think your the ones who need to grow up and get a life. You have no clue what it’s like to live life as he does. May if you spent half the time you spend talking about other life you can focus on what really important the music. You have no right to judge and continue to talk about something that happened 3 years ago aren’t you suppose to keep up with the times n not get stuck in the past. Please sounds like you need to get a life n stay out of others personal affairs.

Funnily enough, we get this kind of comment a lot so let’s address each issue individually, shall we? That way, we might not get as many in the future.

1. Grow Up & Get A Life: Most of us are grown up and do have lives beyond writing about donkey-punching celebrities. Some of us even have mortgages and families. There are rumours that some may even have parents, despite the common view of us all being spawned by the Ire Tree.
2. You have no idea what it is to live life like he does: Ironically enough, thanks to Team Breezy, we do have a lot of people who are willing to criticise us at the drop of a hat for saying no more than Chris Brown is a violent convicted felon.
3. His music is awful.
4. Aren’t you supposed to keep up with the times?: Yes: and we do. It just so happens that Chris Brown beating Rihanna to within an inch of her life is the comedy gift that keeps on giving. It’s the proverbial rod to beat Chris Brown with until one of us expires. It’s not our fault that he keeps saying really stupid things.
5. Stay out of others personal affairs: Surely the idea of a ‘megastar’ punching another ‘megastar’ square in the face on numerous occasions before being arrested, tried, convicted and publicly apologising all under and intense media spotlight can’t be referred to as someone’s personal affairs.

i aint being funny but keep your nose out of wills buisness alfiono and will smith are the best i love em both im a fan of fresh prince of bel air! x

Good for you Ashleigh! Still, this evoked a response from none other than renowned author Emily Brontë to leave this riposte that we would find it hard to better.

 You’re perfectly right, you’re not being funny.

To quote the vernacular of teenagers everywhere; “sick burn”. It doesn’t matter though because here is a witty and wise opinion of Crowded House:

FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!!!! YOU FUCKING SHOW PONY FAGGOTS – HATE YOU AAAAALLL. BRING bACK DA RAP METAL. NEIL FINN IS GAY!

The guy called himself “Durst” and had an email address extoling the virtues of the hideous, misogynistic, laugh-at-a-child-while-she-dies-in-a-crush, so-called frontman of legendary shite-metal group Limp Bizkit. Nice to see that people are opening their minds to people of all sexualities. Rock on.

And finally…

If Chevy Chase dies this year, or any other, so will my soul.

Until next week, you wretched hive of scum and villainy.

People have all sorts of warped ideas about what constitutes ‘sexy.’ Simply type a few random words into Google alongside the word ‘porn’ and you’re quite likely to find a result. Is anyone up for some hot and steamy ‘Pesticide Snorkelling Orgy’ action? Anyone? Okay…

Even we know that sordid fantasies are usually kept locked away in peoples’ sick imaginations. In reality, the common person needs something realistic to go weak at the knees over. For the majority of men, the briefest flash of a female boob will send their shrivelled members into arousal overdrive.

However, girls look for more than a gawp at the genitals of someone they fancy. Females from the comical Team Breezy gang seem slobber instantly when Chris Brown’s name is mentioned. Perhaps they all have a fetish for a domestic abuser. According to fellow rapper Fat Joe, Team Breezy couldn’t get enough of his fists at a recent video shoot.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that Chris Brown is the lowest of the low when it comes to humankind due to him using Rihanna’s face as a punch bag when the couple were together but because commercial rap and R&B foregoes morality in place of looks, body ink and how many cars you can fit in a garage, it’s been easy for Brown to restore his fanbase.

With a smile, a wink and a flick of his fists, girls have been swooning all over the place. Just like they’ve been given a left hook off the squirt himself.

When famous people fall from grace, they usually look at whoring themselves out to random products so they can make some cash. Sometimes it can work, just look at George Foreman and his Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine (other expensive toastie makers are available). A brief history lesson for those of you who have never heard of Mr Foreman, he was a boxer who used his fists for competitive sport, not for hitting women.

Let’s run that through again: top athlete & sportsman… convicted felon.

With a name like Fat Joe, which sounds like a New York Pizza Establishment (“Ey! Come to Fat Joe’s. He’ll sort you out with a Calzone. Best in the city!). Although the image of a dough chef named Fat Joe amuses us, he’s just another of those rapper types who hasn’t really done much since he grabbed our attention in 2002 with single ‘What’s Love’ that featured Ashanti – someone else who’s seemingly done a disappearing act.

If Fat Joe thinks the influence of Chris ‘Slugger’ Brown will help him, then he’s wrong. At best, Chris Brown will pass on beauty tips like “how to look like a buck toothed muppet that was kicked around a workshop by an irate Jim Henson”. Speaking on the set of a video that we’re not going to bother mentioning, Fat Joe said:

“You know, that guy, he’s like the ‘guy Beyoncé’. This guy takes his shirt off – I played it for a couple of chicks before we released it and they just start goin’ crazy and buggin’ out like, ‘Oh my God, yo’. You know, he’s a sex symbol.”

Remember everyone, Beyoncé now has a bit of a tummy scar and was temporarily covered in blood and might have a few stitches for a while but she’s still possibly the most attractive woman on earth. Chris has some serious thigh work to do before he can claim to come close.

Frankly, we’d happily volunteer to rub our body parts in glass covered nettles if it meant that Chris Brown couldn’t put imagine of his penis on the internet again. ONE IS ENOUGH!

Christians eh? They never say the right thing do they? That’s probably because they seek advice from a made-up God. You may as well ask Sooty to whisper wisdom in your ear or seek teachings from the sound of a conch shell.

And two Christians – notably the ones that gave birth to Katy Perry – have irritated their famous daughter by saying that her split with Russell Brand ain’t all bad because, as a result, there’s been increased interest in their missionary.

How delightful. Of course, the outspoken Katy isn’t having that and has tweeted a missive against them, or so it seems. It’s okay though. She can say what she wants. That’s because Christians are contractually obliged to forgive everyone, no matter what.

Over the weekend, Perry took to Twitter to speak publicly for the first time since the split. She wrote:

“I am so grateful for all the love and support I’ve had from people around the world. You guys have made my heart happy again.”

So far, so celebrity-humble. However, it didn’t last long and the paranoid glare of someone surrounded by the deafening chatter from beyond the velvet rope reared up.

“Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Get that mom and dad? You can shut your stupid Christian cake-holes! You might wanna try being a bit more Buddhist about it and using your daughter’s grief as a time of quiet, introspective reflection instead of talking to the press.

Although, don’t stop entirely. We’ll have nothing to write about then.

We shouldn’t worry though because, the reality of it all is, Brand and Perry will now be in a race to see who can have the most public shag or orgy as they bid to get first to the punch. It’s going to be brilliant, then irritating, then kinda sad and ultimately, of no importance to any of us while they both slide into obscurity.

Oh dear. Poor ol’ Chris Brown has got his boxing gloves in a twist. See, he doesn’t like people asking him about the terrible things he’s done in the past. The last time someone broached the topic of him punching Rihanna, he tore his shirt off and threw a chair at a window.

And so, instead of addressing the issues and maybe saying sorry, showing that he’s grown up and wants to move on, he’s decided to go with another tactic.

In 2012, Chris Brown has announced there will be a ban on all interviews. That’s right. Tired of people pointing out you’re an idiot? Then stick your fingers in your ears for a whole calendar year and laughably suggest that you should be judge solely on your ‘talent’.

Tina Davis, Breezy’s manager, told Billboard magazine it was to…

“not have him do interviews but to concentrate on performing and recording”

“We’re not trying to be rude, selfish or disrespectful to anyone in any way. If people are going to judge anything, judge him for his talent. He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.”

Jesus wept.

We can now focus entirely on his awful, awful music without being distracted by his knuckles, quick-temper and pea-brain. Basically, we’re all being asked to dump our ire in one spot, as opposed to spreading it into two places.

We can absolutely assume that Brown will not be able to keep himself away from twitter though, so we’ll still have ammo to fire at him (unless of course, he gets all his correspondence vetted by his team first, which isn’t out of the realms of possibility).

Basically, this unswerving dimwit will balls this up somehow because he is completely unable to stop himself from wandering into trouble.

Remember the last time he let his hands do his talking instead of his mouth?

When an ex-serial sex pest and constantly touring pop star get married, you can be assured that everything will end happily ever after, can’t you? With constant media coverage covering their every move like they’re some sort of wild animal, what could go wrong for Katy Perry and Russell Brand?

You have to question the actions of a couple who haven’t been together long since their Hindu ceremony just over a year ago. Not because we have anything against a religion that prays to elephants, but Katy Perry’s parents are devout Christians. So you’d at least think that her folks would want God to give the thumbs up over Ganesha.

As of yet, there have been no reasons given as to why the marriage collapsed. But before anyone suggests that the two simply drifted apart, wild theories are already being thrown around. Of course, we’re inclined to believe them, so imagine our surprise that Rihanna’s name has been named as one of the rotters who messed everything up.

Doing a piece of detective work based on pure lyrical logic, we are going on a hunch that Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it. Presumably, her husband Russell Brand didn’t and subsequently filed for divorce. Though we imagine it was done by his PA or faxed through.

So where does Rihanna fit into all of this? 2011 saw her release a new single every 36 seconds and tour a record number of cities that she’d never heard of. HELLO MANCHESTSHIRE! Well it appears the crazy and up-for-anything Russell Brand has calmed down a helluva lot. Gone are the days when he shot junk and dressed as Osama Bin Laden for work. Instead, free range organic tea is his poison of chance. Rihanna doesn’t approach life calmly. In fact, she might have been partying too hard with Katy Perry leading her to a path that Brand disapproved of. According to reports:

“Russell didn’t like his wife hanging out with the sexy singer because the women used to party together. And Russell, being a recovering heroin and sex addict, didn’t think the friendship between Katy and the singer from Barbados was good for their marriage.”

Everybody likes a good party don’t they? Even we’ll try and hide the usual miserable expression on our faces for something people call a “smile” when the opening shapes of the conga are thrown. But if the same reports are to be believed, the situation might be a little awkward:

“Rihanna called and texted Katy all throughout the New Year’s Eve weekend, perhaps influencing her on what to do and where to go to stay out of the limelight. If this is the case, the superstar may have influenced Katy to give up on her marriage and move on as a single woman. And maybe that’s why Katy has been spotted happy in Hawaii, while Russell is looking gloom in London.”

Trust us; they’ll be some sort of musical retort to this marriage breakdown. There’s no doubt that Katy Perry will enlist her pal Rihanna to re-record this nineties classic with directly altered lyrics to show Russell Brand who’s boss:

Bugger. A new year is nearly upon us which means award ceremonies will soon be in full swing. February will see Adele win every award she’s nominated for at The Brits because quantity of sales rules over quality of music these days.

The Brit awards are so dull that the most mind shattering event to have ever happened was when Labour politician John Prescott got a bucket of ice water tipped over him. Imagine if he’d froze to death or got his suit ruined?

For real controversy, you can always count on America. Back in 2009, Rihanna and Chris Brown were scheduled to individually perform at the Grammys, the only ceremony in the world where people honour country & western music. Sadly for Rihanna, Chris Brown got a little excited about the evening ahead and started fist bumping her repeatedly in the face. But hey, that happened years ago and it seems the organisers of the Grammys have completely forgotten this.

It’s hard to work out why anyone, apart from boxers, needs to use their fists for work purposes. Perhaps Chris Brown had convinced a record label executive that he should be allowed near a studio again, so he could record a poxy album for members of Team Breezy to go nuts over. At least it’s refreshing to see the gap in the market left by Michael Jackson fans is being filled by a new brand of hardcore extremists.

Once again, it shows that the world of showbiz is a much more forgiving place than the grim world the majority of people live in. When the Grammys come, you’ll see a large room that’ll be full of people who’ve committed all sorts of illicit activities’ from pro-sportsmen, actors and musicians. They’d still be applauded because they’re famous. Stick them in a rough council estate in Hull and soon good old fashioned public justice would quickly deflate a lot of egos.

It seems that, despite Chris Brown’s brutality rearranging somebody’s face, this hasn’t stopped him from being nominated for a number of awards. Just like all other artists in Brown’s genre, we can assume that he sang about issues such as bling, bitches, fast cars and his mega sized crib. But not why he posted photos of his penis on the internet. We’ve been told he’s up for:

“Best R&B album, best rap performance and best rap song.”

Because Rihanna is either upsetting Irish farmers or releasing a new single every other hour, she’s never been out of the world of music and has been nominated for best pop vocal album, album of the year amongst others. How’s it going to work at the Grammys? After only receiving community service work, there were other stipulations placed upon him which ordered him to have:

“No contact with Rihanna, barring him from appearing in any venue as she, and effectively banning him from awards ceremonies at which she appeared.”

But remember, Rihanna is all edgy and in your face. She’d change her middle name to danger if she could. Back in February she modified the restraining order so that:

“The two could be in the same room.”

We can only expect small talk over at the fondue stand or more realistically, anger from Chris Brown when Rihanna takes the cocktail sausage from under his nose at the buffet. Let’s hope the rumours that they’re sexting each other again aren’t true.

All industries are dominated by a few major players -  just look at the computer you’re using. It’ll either be a PC or a magical Mac that claims to aid you in ways you didn’t think existed. In the music world, different genres have varied leading individuals.

In the world of rap & hip-hop, there are plenty to pick from; ranging from Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj and Kanye. Remarkably, one person whose still has a career despite his woman punchingpast is Chris Brown.

Since his incident with Rihanna and other angry antics, it’s remarkably easy to make fun of Chris Brown and the rest of Team Breezy. Team Hecklerspreezy doesn’t mind being the crew to do just that. However, we’ve been alerted to a piece of satire that is amazing in a variety of ways. So stop reading our ropey sentences and watch Mac Lethal slay Chris Brown with some lyrical pancakes.

Actually, we’ve just realised that most people reading hecklerspray wouldn’t know the original song. So in the balance of fairness, here’s the original.

Though we advice you don’t listen for too long.

We don’t want you to suffer any anger bouts like Chris Brown does. Ten minutes with his music is enough to make you want to domestically violence one off on yourself.

Seriously. Listen.

As you’d expect, it’s a video with the same generic stuff going on. People popping their limbs aimlessly whilst cheaply hired models parade around in clothes that they won’t be able to keep at the end of the shoot.

Most shockingly, sunglasses are being worn inside by people. Automatically making them look like they require a guide dog.

But forget that, here’s what we all came to see:

Sometimes parody/satire videos can lose all of their wit after one play, but this is a genuinely funny video that not only rips the anus out of Chris Brown, but does so by altering the context in the most radical, unlikely and creative way.

If only all cookery shows and books were replaced by rappers instructed us how to make the perfect pastry with a rhyme accompanied by a dope beat.

You may be sick of Rihanna releasing a new record every thirty seconds, but you ain’t got it so bad. Why? Well, Rihanna is sick. Properly sick. No. No sick of her releasing a record every 30 seconds. She’s actually sick-sick.

So what’s the deal then? Is she going to die?

Well, according to various reports, Rihanna has been put under 24-hour surveillance because those around her are so very, very worried about her health. Really worried. Worried she’s going to die eventually.

Apparently, she’s been struggling during the UK leg of her tour and is now being closely monitored. You only get closely monitored when you are going to die or something, right?

It must be bad and definitely, absolutely facty fact-fact getting worse because she nearly cancelled her show in Dublin last week.

No-one cancels a show in Ireland unless they are totally going to die or something.

She only went ahead with the show fter speaking to Beyonce on the phone. Does Beyonce know that Rihanna is going to die or something and wants RiRi to make the most of her life or something?

Wait.

She’s totally performing at the 02 tonight. There’s nothing wrong with her is there? This is just people fretting over Rihanna because she’s been working a lot recently.

TOO MUCH IN FACT. Stop releasing records or we’ll totally murder you.

Or something.

In the UK, the only real battle we have is between “Team Peter” and “Team Katie.” Whilst they’re both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I’m A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they’ve bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain’t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.

Only idiotic “Team Breezy” fans are willing to ignore his bout of domestic violence and his further dickish acts of aggressive behaviour, instead claiming that the Crown Prince of Second Chances deserved a 312th chance. Restraining orders and court visits have passed and lifetime damage has have been done. We’re sure Rihanna will be thrilled to know that Chris Brown will be moving in down the street.

As we know all too well, Chris Brown is one of those rapper types. You know the sort, they parade around wearing clothes that are five sizes too big for them, parade around in music videos with their “bitches”, “hoes” and other gardening equipment all whilse wearing an assortment of bling that looks like tin foil concealing delicious chocolate underneath.

Essentially, rappers like everything on a grand scale. The house he bought would turn Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud giddy. We’re informed that:

“Brown purchased the glass-walled, three-bedroom, three-bathroom house for $1,550,000, getting a deal on the home that had been listed at $2,669,000 in 2009. The bachelor pad, designed by Jay Vanos, makes use of chrome and natural light and has an elevator from the garage to the main house.”

It’s the new neighbours of Chris Brown’s that we feel sorry for. Imagine living next door to someone who has a bedroom with a glass wall. The singer isn’t shy on getting his shrivelled up Frankfurter of a penis out, as photos on the internet disturbingly prove. But why is he moving in the first place? Is it out of spite to get back at Rihanna? No, it seems that buck tooth Brown has a problem with the disabled where he currently resides:

“Brown is selling his current West Hollywood home due to parking issues, as all the spots near his home were allocated as handicapped spots and the singer accrued thousands of dollars in parking tickets during his time living in the home.”

God damn those pesky disabled types who won’t let Chris Brown shave thirty seconds off his journey home. We’re just happy that he hasn’t started punching any of his handicapped neighbours to see if they’re telling the truth, or if they’re just benefit cheats. But for those out there who may be worried about poor Rihanna having to live close to her abuser, fear not, it probably won’t be for long. A letting agent blabbed to someone

“Rihanna has already put her Beverly Crest property on the market for a cool $4.5 million.”

Rihanna better move quick mind, with Chris Brown arriving, prices in the neighbourhood will quickly plummet.

Remember Chris Brown? Course you do? He’s the face puncher who ‘mishapped’ all over Rihanna’s pretty head and is serving five years probation for it.  He also sang asphyxiator’s favourite,  ’No Air’ with Jordin Sparks along with some other stuff we didn’t bother looking up on Wikipedia.

He also has a penis. We’ve seen it here.

Well, Chris Brown is angry that you remember this, as apparently you have no right to still be disgusted for longer than it took him to do his community service.  He is so angry in fact ,  he decided to rant about it all of Twitter for everyone to see, making sure that everyone knew you should be forgetting about it.

He tweeted:

“Don’t say s**t to anybody and everybody feels its cool to attack me. GROWN ADULTS!!! That shit happened three years ago.”

He was by then, so angry that he activated caps lock and all hell broke loose.

“TWITTER GETS WHACK REAL FAST! LOVE ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT MY MUSIC! I never said I was a LEGEND. People please grow up.”

“I’ve never dealt with so much negativity in my life! It’s to the point now where it’s just ridiculous! I’M NOT A POLITICIAN! MY MUSIC DOESN’T PROMOTE VIOLENCE nor will it ever! Only thing it will increase is the pregnancy rate!”

Anyone who listens to Chris Brown while shagging, deserves to get pregnant.

Did he stop there? Oh no. No he didn’t.

“I wake up thinking of living my life…YOU wake up thinking of me! [we really don't] NOW I REALLY CAN’T WAIT FOR THE AMA’s! U don’t have to respect me now…but you will.”

That sounds like a threat Chris.

Obviously referencing Rihanna, he said,

“I know a lot of you wack a**(OLD) celebrities probably wanna f**k my ex, but talking s**t on me won’t get you far! and to be REALLY HONEST, y’all wonder why n**** spazzes all the time?”

Then he finally shut up.

In a last ditch attempt to make everyone forget everything, including why they ever followed him on Twitter, he deleted his entire timeline, except from a tweet from a sycophant and one from him saying ‘Live LIFE.’

But just in case you still, for some reason think he’s some sort of god, here he is falling down on stage.

Idiot.

People dying is a terrible thing, it’s almost as bad as when annoying songs get stuck in your head, but what’s even worse and more inconceivable than either of those things is when you have fake songs about dead people stuck in your head.

Readers of the ‘Spray, tonight we are disgraced to tell you that we find ourselves in this very situation.  Currently we are dancing round the bedsit singing “Ga-da-fi is d-ead,” to the theme of the Conga, any second now the crew from Insidious 2 will be round to start filming.

One day no new music videos will have been posted on all the pretentious sites, and NME Video, that we patrol to inform you what the beautiful people are doing and you’ll just be left utterly heart-broken and convulsing on the floor while singing the jingle from the Match.com advert, because let’s face it you go there every night like the filthy love-hound you are.  Until this day comes though we can this week offer you some of the finest dirge on the web and Rihanna, who is so non-dirge that she forgave Chris Brown—according to our sources; the Metro.

We’re going to request you watch the video for ‘We Found Love Now’; it’s the one that got all the Irish farmers up in arms.

Now can we just take five minutes please to think about the spoken word opening please? Now an argument I’m sure you’ve all had many times is about the cultural significance of All Saints and all we’re saying is ‘Never Ever’ again will you be losing this debate.  It was actually a slight disappointment that the intro didn’t morph into this slow burning classic, but you know, when lightning strikes in your bedroom what else are you going to do other than call Calvin Harris in? Exactly.

Rihanna just loves raucously rubbing herself against walls and clearly the world is all for that, but once again she’s at the forefront of controversy here at hecklerspray with this illicit piece of propaganda.  The woman condones mind altering substances, home tattooing, sex, violence, sexual violence, theft, and fruit machines, her life insurance must be a nightmare.

RiRi (kill us now) is an Irish fashionista here with her bowler-hatted above average looking bruiser of a boyfriend constantly blowing smoke in her face, it’s no wonder she wants to escape the depravity of the non-lucky Irish for a nice corn field.  We’re with you all the way girl.

It can only really go downhill from here on out, so famous people is where we’ll take it next, and the word famous here is used loosely to mean people you should have heard of if you want us to like you even a little bit.  We Are Augustines are a band on tour with a boring indie band that don’t deserve a mention, in fact We Are Augustines with their trilbys and denim shirts and clear unadulterated love for Bruce Springsteen barely deserve a mention, but then they did make a music video with Brady Corbet and we like him, he has heart.

The song is called ‘Book of James’ which recalls the King James Bible to our educated minds, but in fact we have no idea what’s happening so let’s pretend we’re right and then you all win too, yeah? Great. Brady, yes, Brady Corbet he’s the guy from the classic indie films Mysterious Skin and Funny Games, but while everyone else got careers, he got this, poor soul probably says he’s ‘friends with the band’. Here he looks exactly like the cold blooded murders from Funny Games, though slightly less sycophantic, and with added drugs and sleep deprivation, so it’s all fairly horrible when he wakes up on a train with a man resembling a droopy faced Brad Pitt singing and staring at him.

Here is the space where we would be telling you all about the new music video, sorry- short film, by Coldplay for their song, sorry- symphony, ‘Paradise’ but within the first 30 seconds or so it featured a swinging ape and after the whole Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes thing destroyed our life we decided it was time to quit.  You can watch it yourself though and let us know how disgustingly amazing it gets in four minutes.

By this point in your life you’ve probably resigned yourself to the fact that Canada has nothing to offer you apart from ice hockey, safety, and an easy joke, but you’re wrong and Canadian group Stars have been quietly proving that for nearly a decade, but their newest album is breaking these international stereotypes, erm, internationally.  If you take their newest song and video literally then ‘Dead Hearts’ is about dead children and even if it’s not the notion is so charming it doesn’t matter anymore Canada is good again!  The video isn’t spectacular, though artistically it’s a classy beast; it simply sees hearts forming out of any and every material, before brutally being wiped away or ‘dying’.  These Canadians are a cold people, but they sure do write lovely pop songs.