Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is a pretty lousy song. Sure, it is still massively popular today, but then again, so is war and racism. Numbers and time multiplied doesn’t necessarily show the inherent quality of something.

Either way, that doesn’t stop people being precious about it and today, various arms are being thrown into the air in disgust (because there’s little else to be disgusted about of course) after Cee Lo Green changed the words to one of the laziest lyrics in pop history.

During a televised performance on New Year’s Eve, the visually impaired Green altered Lennon’s lyrics, turning a line that criticises religion into one that actively promotes it.

Dressed in a black robe and shades (seriously, is he blind or something? He’s a big lad so his eyesight could’ve been taken from him through Type 2 Diabetes complications for all we know), Cee Lo took to the stage and sang:

“Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try”

So far, so correct. But then JEEZ! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?! happened.

“Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for… and all religion is true.”

Of course, back in ’71, Lennon sang ‘no religion too’, which everyone kinda missed the first time ’round. He also sang ‘imagine no possessions’, while sat in his entirely white mansion, complete with the specially cooled room which kept all his fur coats just so.

Yeah. No possessions. Some people don’t have to imagine it Johnno because they don’t have any, y’spoiled berk.

Naturally, the hooting atheists were quick to complain in the most pious way possible. They took to their pulpits on twitter, with one shouting:

“You sang Imagine in a fur coat & expensive jewelry and changed [the lyrics] to be pro-religion!”

Oh the delicious irony! Green eventually tweeted an apology on his special phone for blind people:

“Yo I meant no disrespect by changing the lyric guys! I was trying to say a world were u could believe what u wanted that’s all.”

He then deleted all his apologies because he knew damn well that most Atheists aren’t even worth talking to. Anyway, here’s the proof of Cee Lo Green singing a different line in an already pedestrian, clunky rock ballad.

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

However, you may be correct as even Jolie knows that one day her children will want to live in one place and she can’t bear the thought of leaving one behind.

That’s right. SHE’D STILL BUGGER OFF ON HER ADVENTURES, WITHOUT OR WITHOUT THE FREE THINKING INGRATE.

She stopped doodling in blood on her wedding dress long enough to say:

“Right now they love it. If we’re in the same place for two months they wanna know why we’re not getting on an airplane. They really love to travel….Beacuse they’re such a big travelling pack….it’s not one child moving around the world and missing friends, there’s so many of them they have constant play dates and are always together…

“But I’m sure they’re gonna say: ‘Mum, let me stay home’ and when that happens I’m gonna cry…I don’t want to settle, I love travelling, but we’ll see.

We’re sure they’re going to say:

“HOLY FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MUM!, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH UNCLE JAMES???”

She joked:

“They’ll probably end up living all around the world and my old age will be Brad and I travelling, trying to visit all our grandchildren in random countries.”

Brad was not available for comment, except to say that Jennifer Aniston is boring.

On the set of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise thought he’d go and do a nice thing for Simon Pegg – talk to him like he knew who he was. And what did they talk about? What any celebrity would talk about of course!

Soiled undercrackers!

That’s right. Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg talked about nappies, teaming with faecal matter while playing make-believe like big, hairy and very stupid children. Meanwhile, everyone else presumably looked on wondering if Cruise was trying to recruit someone for Scientology because he’s bang into that alien guff isn’t he?

Talking about what (some of the things) Tom spoke about on set, Simon said:

‘We talked a lot about fatherhood. Stuff like what nappies you buy, teaching your kid to ride a bike. Ordinary stuff.’

No aliens then? No Thetan whatsit?

Well. Maybe. See, Simon ‘You liked him better when he seemed nice in Spaced, rather than this diamond eyed careerist in Hollywood’ Pegg  revealed that, when he was feeling blue and homesick, Cruise would offer to stay late and keep him company.

Pegg got all dewy eyed, adding:

‘He is kind of superhuman. I mean, he’s incredibly good-looking. He’s a very good actor. He’s built. He’s 49 and looks 32. He is beyond criticism.

‘He’s at the top despite the cynical beatings that he receives. It’s because he conducts himself properly. If you start believing all that c**p about how important you are, that’s when you stop working, because nobody wants to work with an a***hole.’

Sounds like someone has totally been converted, eh?

Tom Cruise took off as Maverick in Top Gun over 25 years ago and now, in a bid to distract us from his peculiar religious/cult* views, he’s saying that he might be taking to the air again in Top Gun 2.

Obviously, Hollywood is clean out of fresh ideas at the moment.

Cruise is currently promoting his fourth Mission: Impossible film, and he’s told MTV that there’s been discussions with Top Gun director Tony Scott and producer Jerry Bruckheimer about revisiting the film which Quentin Tarantino thinks is about being gay.

Cruise said, while everyone glared at him thinking about nothing other than Scientology:

“I said to Tony, I want to make another movie with him… Tony and I and Jerry, we never thought that we would do it again. Then they started to come to us with these ideas of where it is now. I thought, ‘Wow, that would be… what we could do now’”

Come up with a new idea and not rest on your laurels perhaps?

He continued:

“If we can find a story that suits what we all want to do… we all want to make a film that is in the same kind of tone as the other one and shoot it in the same way as we shot ‘Top Gun.’”

Of course, this is all dependent on whether there’s an appetite for Tom Cruise by the time its takes this project to get off the ground.

We all know that he’s nowhere near as loved as he was, pre-alien bothery.

*Let’s just clear this ‘cult’ thing up, lest Scientology get all jumpy about it all. Basically, Scientology sees itself as a religion. We see all religions as cults. So, far from trying to discredit Scientology, we’re actually discrediting all religion as a load of bunkum. Soz ‘ard.

The celebrity autobiography is a funny thing. For example, Geri Halliwell has fourteen of them out and Katie Price, a whopping 5,460 biographies written in her best joined-up handwriting. Even Justin Bieber has three biogs out, even though he’s only a matter of weeks old.

And so, the next kid to get a book deal is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, and she’s only five years old!

Five years old! She can barely wipe her own hoon, let alone manipulate a quill. Still, maybe daddy’s alien friends can give her secret powers to overcome that little obstacle called age?

Of course, no-one is stupid enough to offer Suri Cruise a biography deal (or maybe they are? Some of the worst scum you’ll meet work in publishing don’t they? Apart from any watching who want to give hecklerspray some ill-advised book deal so we can release a Beano-style Christmas annual, eh?) so what’s going on?

Well, it’s been reported that Suri is to write a children’s book.

This makes sense because, at 5, you’ve really not experienced the world enough to write a Danielle Steele novel or some kind of spy-thriller.

Apparently, some utterly unreliable source informs the world’s press, she’s already written it and Tom and Katie think it’s ‘so good, they plan to publish it when she’s finished.’

Some other source who probably hasn’t met The Cruises, adds:

‘Not only is Suri writing the book, she’s also working on all the illustrations.’

E! News say that a representative for Tom and Katie have denied the report, but we’ve gone and written all this anyway. Seriously. This is what it’s like being a gossip writer.

Russia and America haven’t ever really got along have they? They’re both giganto land-masses that just love antagonising each other with spies, wars and lousy impressions of each others accents.

At least the news is always impartial, eh?

Like hell. Have you seen Fox News? And Fox & Co (not a Top of the Pops dance troupe, sadly) have got competition in the form of Tatiana Limanova who made her feelings on Barack Obama perfectly clear in a news bulletin.

In a moment, presumably thought to be off-camera, commie-swine Tatiana flipped the bird at the mention of Barry Obama just before the bulletin switched to a VT.

Of course, this will wind up the Yankee Doodles no end and we’ll probably see Bill O’Reilly bearing his arse with the words “RUSSIA SUX” written on in marker.

Naturally, you wouldn’t get the wonderful British news organisations being so partizan would you?

Nooooooo.

Anyway, here’s the video of Limanova giving a big up yours to America. Let us all pray for another Cold War as a result, eh?

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Well, it appears that the feuding pair have called a truce and now, Angelina and Jane Pitt are acting like adults. Nice adults. Not those fighting adults.

Six long years these tits have been at it!

Why? Well, Jane, reportedly criticised Angelina’s mothering skills when she threw some kind of dreary children’s party for those babies they stole from some undernourished country. That ‘degenerated into a bitter showdown’.

Sources told NOW magazine:

“Ever since Brad got together with Angie, her poor relationship with his mom has been hanging over them like a dark cloud.”

They continued:

“Jane adored Jen and was devastated when Brad left her for Ange. It didn’t help that Ange’s attitude was pretty much: ‘Hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care. I am who I am – just deal with it.’ “

You can picture her saying it can’t you? Puce faced, tight-lipped sneering mother glaring at faux-sass indignant Hollywood bozo stood beside a greying Brad Pitt who wishes they’d both just piss off.

At least they’re all playing nice though, eh?

BUT NO-ONE CARES! EVEN US WHO ARE WRITING THIS GODAWFUL ARTICLE. WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE US FOR WASTING YOUR STINKING TIME?

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Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

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Scientology hasn’t really taken off around the world. That’s because, despite having a foot in the world of entertainment, it really lacks any semblance of humour. Effectively, Scientologists are humour vacuums.

Have you seen they way they’re absolutely unhappy to talk about their religion? Surely you gotta face some persecution to be a proper religious person, right? It’s all about getting called an idiot and seeking strength from your god… or in the case on Scientology followers, A.L.F. or whatever it is they pray to/obtain people’s PIN numbers for.

Of course, anyone who mocks them incurs immediate wrath. So you can imagine that they’re not too thrilled with the off-hand way in which South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone dealt with them. As a result, one former member of the cult (don’t worry about the ‘cult’ tag – we think Christianity is a stupid cult too) says that the church sent someone to spy on them.

Mark “Marty” Rathbun, a former high-ranking Scientologist, said members of a alien botherers sent a “harassment agency” to try and see to it that Parker and Stone stopped mocking them.

He posted a document on his website that he describes as a report from the “Office of Special Affairs” that says Scientologists tried to find direct links to people who were friends of the “South Park” creators — including John Stamos, a friend of Stone’s.

In a tedious, jargon-loaded document, various attempts at snooping are described:

“Otherwise the special collections (covert information gathering such as trash collection, purchased phone records, hacked airline reservations, purchased bank records) will be debugged in order to get some viable strings that can be pulled”

“It is clear that this investigation is not going anywhere and DCOE (D/Commanding Officer External OSA) is getting it debugged.”

It goes without saying that Rathbun will now be getting harassed by Scientologists and that they’ll no doubt have him down as a crackpot or an immoral swine of some kind.

This seems to be the sole purpose of the Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs’ (OSA). They’re silencers. Or, if you prefer, complete fucking nutters.

Rathbun noted that OSA’s main activity;

“entails stifling criticism by an escalating gradient of techniques beginning with quiet investigation and moving up to infiltration, identification of and use of influential friends and contacts of the target, loud investigation, threats, attempts to harm the target financially, intense propaganda to discredit and ultimately, if all else fails, utter destruction of the target through overt harassment.”

Gah. They’re obviously a weak group if they can’t withstand a bit of criticism eh? Seriously. If we went around harassing everyone just because they were critical, we wouldn’t have time to do anything else and it would end up absorbing us, leaving us paranoid, jumpy and looking like… well… SCIENTOLOGISTS.

Not surprising that they’re like this when, in a letter in 1966, L. Ron Hubbard wrote about the procedure for dealing with criticism.

“(1) Spot who is attacking us.
(2) Start investigating them promptly for felonies or worse using own professionals, not outside agencies.
(3) Double curve our reply by saying we welcome an investigation of them.
(4) Start feeding lurid, blood, sex, crime actual evidence on the attackers to the press.”

That’s nice isn’t it? He added, in the Attacks on Scientology, “Hubbard Communications Office Policy Letter” document:

“Don’t ever tamely submit to an investigation of us. Make it rough, rough on attackers all the way. You can get “reasonable about it” and lose. Sure we break no laws. Sure we have nothing to hide. BUT attackers are simply an anti-Scientology propaganda agency so far as we are concerned. They have proven they want no facts and will only lie no matter what they discover. So BANISH all ideas that any fair hearing is intended and start our attack with their first breath. Never wait. Never talk about us – only them. Use their blood, sex, crime to get headlines. Don’t use us. I speak from 15 years of experience in this. There has never yet been an attacker who was not reeking with crime. All we had to do was look for it and murder would come out.”

Great eh? So yeah. If we’re taking sides, we’re squarely behind the comedians.

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Remember Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi? That was pretty funny wasn’t it? After all, he was a Nazi at one point. He was a massive, massive… well… tiny Nazi in the Hitler Youth. Of course, the Nazism is nothing compared to the whole Catholicism thing.

Of course, you can’t go around calling a Pope negative names and not expect some heat from those mass-loving lunatics.

So step right up Bill Donohue, leader of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights to lay the holy smackdown! Probably in Latin too! Because Catholics are all completely mental and like responding to priests in a language they don’t understand! The cads!

Naturally, Catholics don’t believe in God enough to be confident in the fact that Himself will punish her come judgement day, so they have to run their righteous mouths off in a most unChristian fashion.

Donohue says:

“She’s a despicable person to make these kinds of despicable remarks!”

The elephant in the room, waddling behind this comment is the one that everyone is thinking right now, and that its a bit rich for an organisation from the Catholic church to call anyone’s actions ‘despicable’.

You’d have to be pretty dumb to fail to notice the horrific, systematic misdeeds carried out for centuries by Catholics in the name of Jeebus.

Wait. Donohue’s not finished.

“It is very hard to find someone dumber than [Sarandon].”

“He deserted the Hitler Youth at the first moment! She doesn’t know what she’s talking about…To blame him for something that he was never responsible for; he was forced to join as every boy his age was. Unlike the others, he deserted.”

Donohue said he won’t even seek an apology from the “hard-core leftist” actress because “she is ignorant and full of hatred to the Catholic Church.”

Yep. That’d be the organisation who believes in a celestial being getting a virgin preggo and, resultantly, causing millions of cases of child abuse and sexual molestation while helping African countries to riddle themselves with dreadful diseases because Jesus didn’t like rubbers.

We’ll stop there before a rant forms.

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God isn’t having a good time of it lately. His representatives on Earth aren’t doing It any favours. Of course, God Itself is a spiteful, vengeful chump anyway and made man in Its own image, so It only has Itself to blame.

Going after the Almighty is Susan Sarandon. Of course, you can’t kick God in the shins so you have to pick on the next best thing… and that happens to be Pope Benedict: The Godwaffe.

Discussing her role in Dead Man, which saw her sending a copy to The Pope, she was asked ‘which pope?’ That’s when the Catholics got jumpy and started muttering ‘You wouldn’t get people talking about Muslims like that… it’s so unfair.’ Maybe if you started flying planes into buildings, we might be a little more scared of pointing out how mental some of you are, eh?

So. To the ‘which Pope’ question, Sarandon answered:

“The last one. Not this Nazi one we have now.”

Of course, Pope Benedict spent time as a member of the Hitler Youth. Naturally, it’s worth pointing out that it was likely that he was forced to do that, so it’s a bit unfair to tarnish him with that.

Either way, the whole Nazi thing is nothing compared to the whole Catholic thing. See, of the two organisations, the Catholic church is way more mental and evil than the Nazi Party. For a start, the Nazis got their arses handed to them in a tall hat. The Catholic Church? It still runs entire countries and hides sex-offenders up their priest holes!

So while Pope Benny may be tired of being called a Hitler loving git-hammock, he’ll be more tired of the constant allegations that his organisation likes to fuck with kids (both metaphorically and literal).

See, a report from the BBC is suggesting that the Catholic church in Spain, with the help of Nice Guy Franco and his Cuddly Dictatorship, stole babies from mothers and sold them!

That’s right folks! Spain is currently rubbing it’s eyes in disbelief at the allegations that the Catholic church stole and trafficked of thousands of babies. Those loveable nuns and priests did this up ’til the ’90s!

Nuns would inform mothers that their newborn had died and there was no way of seeing the body. Of course, after the initial gut-wrenching heartache subsided, the mothers went onto to a life of nightclubs and cocktails while those unlucky enough to keep their babies slid into a joyless, shriek-filled life.

We’re missing the point aren’t we?

The Spanish government are even admitting that the church stole children, with one government spokesperson called Nunez saying:

“I don’t dare to come up with figures… but from the volume of official investigations I dare to say there were many.”

Lawyers believe that up to 300,000 babies were swiped.

Basically, it seems that Franco and the church teamed up and took babies from parents deemed “undesirable” and placing them with “approved” families, from the ’30s onward. For money. Better yet, is that one Spanish magazine published photographs of a dead baby kept in a freezer at the San Ramon clinic, which was (allegedly) used as ‘proof’ to show mothers that their child had died.

Wait.

This isn’t funny. We’re wondering toward the territory of being serious.

Fear not dear reader! You forgot one thing! Regardless of the situation, absolutely everything is approximately three thousand times funnier if it involves a nun.

HURRAY! COMEDY WINS!

Sorry accidental orphans.

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If you know anything about Selena Gomez – which you don’t because you’re old, infirm and unwilling to keep up with popular culture that lies outside of being old enough to be enjoyed ironically and post-modernly – you’ll know two things about her.

The first is that she’s the beau of singing uterus lining, Justin Bieber. The second is that she’s had more death threats than hot dinners.

However, she’s now received a death-threat that needs to be taken seriously, which means that there’s a very real possibility that she could die. And what, she’s 8 years old or something. Wow. Infanticide. Cheery.

According to grief manufacturers TMZ, Gomez is said to be in “extreme fear”. No, not because she has to sleep with one eye open for fear of Bieber foisting his little hairless member upon her while she sleeps, but rather, because of this death threat.

So bad (well, ‘good’) is the threat that she’s had to obtained a restraining order against 46 year old Thomas Brodnicki. He’s a man with previous. He loves a good stalk.

What he likes more is God talking to him in his broken mind. God apparently ordered him to kill her. Imagine that! God being a needlessly spiteful shite ordering some nutjob to slay anyone who believes in false idols.

JUST IMAGINE.

Brodnicki claims to have travelled from Chicago to Los Angeles to meet her and “visited her workplace at least three times”, according to declarations made in court documents from Selena and her lawyer Blair Berk.

The LAPD are said to be treating the case “extremely seriously” because of Thomas’ history of stalking. And there’s the small matter that he also wanted to “scratch people’s eyes out on the street”.

He’s sounds alright to us. Basically, he’s being talked to by God and is a religious man, so who are we to disagree with his actions and motives, right?

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Angels. They’re funny things aren’t they? They live in heaven (which looks pretty boring) and have wings for no discernible reason. If you were God’s Army, surely you could fly without wings, right?

Either way, they fly around and totally exist and play harp really well. Although, we’ve taken our eye off the ball. We don’t document angels nearly as frequently as we once did. They’re all probably playing keytars or Moog synthesizers now.

That’s not to say there haven’t been angels on our radar. Away from religious paintings and cave etchings, we’ve had a few in pop-culture… alas, with varying degrees of success.

Because ‘spray is a massively religious group (seriously – we say ‘Jesus Christ!’ all the stinkin’ time), we had no difficulty in thinking of the finest angels to grace our presence.

Okay.

We did. Still. Here are the best and worst. You can disagree or agree all you like.

Anything for a response really.

Angel from X Men

Angel from X Men has the splendid real name of Warren Kenneth Worthington III. He’s one of the founding members of the mutant vigilantes. Of course, being an angel, he’s an arrogant, self-absorbed playboy who turns into a mawkish, introspective sort. He has wings though.

Date With An Angel

You know what would be great? Going on a date with an angel. Good thing someone made a film about just that starring Michael Knight (no really) who suffers from a massive brain tumour and ends up falling in love with an angel. Alas, he discovers her because she KOed herself on a satellite. Alas, Jim is betrothed to another who, with her knickers outside of her jeans, tries to shoot everyone with a shotgun. In this film, we also learn that angels like fries. Amazing.

Highway To Heaven

While this show was intended to showcase the kindly face and demeanour of Michael Landon, as he played a kindly angel, what it actually gave us was a dream in Double Denim, dry-ice and the hairy Victor French. Amazing Sunday afternoon TV fodder.

Pygar The Angel from Barbarella

Blind and muscular. Just how you ladies like ‘em. Sadly, he also lives in a nest. Oh well.

Nicolas Cage in City of Angels

It’s Nic Cage! Nic Cage as an angel! What’s not to like? He also gets off with Meg Ryan and gushes, “I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.” Who could resist Cagey’s long face muttering that? NO-ONE.

Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)

An angel, of sorts, comes back to Earth in a sharp white mod-cut suit and helps to solve dastardly crimes. At last! A useful celestial creature!

It’s A Wonderful Life

Angel comes to the aid of suicidal man and guilt-trips him into staying alive for more of the world’s rich pageantry… such as filling forms in, doctor’s appointments and hoovering. Thanks a lot Clarence.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

Did you know that all dogs – even really evil ones that hump cushions and bite toddlers – go to heaven? That’s what we were told by the ’89 animation that, without once cracking up, tried to show us an angel dog voiced by Burt Reynolds. Yes really. Burt’s voice, via an angel dog, shows a young orphan girl all about love. No. Not like that.

Angels In The Outfield

Angels doing good deeds? Forget that! They just wanna play baseball for the Pittsburgh Pirates, on a season-long loan from heaven’s baseball team Heavenly Choir Nine (no, honest – they’re a team of deceased ballplayers). Alas, the team ultimately have to rely on their own skill and guile, which is fine, but angel sportsmen are way cooler.

Juan Pablo Angel

The only angel ever spotted in Birmingham.

Anyway, watch this video wouldya?

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Did you know that Barack Obama is the antichrist? Did you have any idea? Must be something to do with his Middle Eastern sounding name.

So thank Godly Godlington that Christians are on-hand to point out that Obama is some kind of lousy, Middle Eastern infidel who…

…hang on a minute. Wasn’t Jesus from Palestine or something? So what’s this mad Christian doing heckling Obama during a press conference then? See the video over the jump to see how daft America is.

That’s right kiddies!

At a fundraiser in Los Angeles, Obama was just shooting the breeze with the giddy throng when some spirited chap in the audience started shooting his mouth off about the “one true Christian God”, following up with a swift one-two about Barack being the antichrist.

Of course, the President brushed his shoulder and the crowd reaction accordingly.

Mental Christian shouts:

“The Christian God is one and only true living God! The creator of heaven and the universe! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is God! Jesus Christ is still our God! Jesus Christ is still God! You are the Antichrist!”

Have a look and pick sides for crying out loud.

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