Because what would we have to be disappointed about then? The weather? Our jobs? The way we can’t grow a proper beard? No, Fox didn’t want to just block Watchmen – it wanted to block our right to be chronically disappointed by Watchmen, and that wasn’t on.

Luckily, though, the crisis has been averted. Fox and Warner Bros have resolved their legal squabble, and Watchmen is coming out as planned. That means our plan to slag it off before we’ve seen it remains intact! Yay!

Watchmen is undoubtedly one of the must-see movies of the year, provided that you’re a) a virgin, b) a pleb and c) so afraid of going outside that your skin has become the same colour as your bedroom walls.

And, to be fair, you’ve got every reason to be excited about Watchmen’s release – not jut because it’s a Zac Snyder movie so it’s bound to be brimming with so much latent homoeroticism that it’ll make WWE wrestling seem like an episode of The View, but because it almost wasn’t going to be released in the first place.

As we’ve mentioned before, we’ve had to put up with endless squabbling between Fox and Warner Bros over Watchmen – first Warner Bros made Watchmen, and then Fox said that it actually owned Watchmen and that Warner Bros shouldn’t have made it, and then Warner Bros was all like ’screw you’ and Fox was all like ‘no, screw YOU!’ and then Warner Bros said something about Fox’s mum giving blowjobs to sailors and Fox took Warner Bros to court to block Watchman’s release.

It all got very messy, especially when a judge ruled that Fox had an interest in Watchmen on Christmas Eve. Since then, Fox and Warner Bros have been in a series of protracted negotiations about who owns which part of Watchmen and, more importantly, how many frightened southeast Asian prostitutes they’ll be able to buy with their cut from the movie. Possibly.

But since this is Hollywood we’re talking about, it’s time for the happy ending. People, Fox and Warner Brothers have smoothed things over and Watchmen’s March release date stands firm. Reuters reports:

Terms of the agreement will not be disclosed, but it is said to involve a sizable cash payment to Fox and a percentage of the film’s box office, which Warners plans to release March 6. Fox will not be a co-distributor on the film, nor will it own a piece of the “Watchmen” property going forward. The studios are set to release a joint statement announcing the agreement Friday.

Well, this is good news all round, isn’t it. Warner Bros gets to release a movie that comicbook fans have salivated over for two entire decades, Fox gets a large injection of cash and, best of all, what with Watchmen AND Terminator Salvation coming out in coming months, there’ll be two movies this year that take a painful, slobbery dump in the eye of things we used to like. Hooray for everything!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Because Amy Winehouse isn’t going to be ill and close to death and alone any more – she’s going to be ill and close to death with Blake Fielder-Civil, her hat-wearing berk of a husband who was released from jail yesterday, where he’d been since getting arrested for smashing a man’s face in with his feet and then lying about it.

But don’t expect a happy reunion between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil just yet – after leaving prison, Blake went directly to rehab alone, where he’ll either be treated for substance abuse or violent shower-room bumming depending on how well his sentence went.

Hear that noise? Listen, it’s beautiful. It’s the sound of Amy Winehouse not staggering around bellowing “BLAAAAAAAAAYKE!” at the top of her voice every three or four seconds. It’s also the sound of Amy Winehouse not altering every single word of every one her songs so she can hamfistedly cram in as many goonish references to her jailed husband as possible. Like we said, it’s beautiful.

Ever since Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested almost a year ago, he’s been kept in jail. And, as a result, Amy Winehouse’s life has astonishingly managed to get even worse than it was before. She’s been seen staggering around on the streets, she’s started fights with everyone from strangers in pubs to her own audience, she’s developed chronic lung diseases and, worst of all, she’s probably slept with a man who looks like Little Ben from EastEnders. All of which have been soundtracked by a cry of “BLAAAAYKE!” that sounds like a dying elk straining for a poo.

But that ends now, because now Blake Fielder-Civil has been released from jail, meaning that Amy Winehouse can be reunited with him once again. Well, we say ‘reunited’, but that’ll be a bit difficult given that Blake has had to go directly to a court-stipulated rehab stint and Amy is possibly still in a clinic being treated for a chest infection.

However, a little thing like not being able to see his wife isn’t going to stop Blake from being happy about his release, as E! Online reports:

[Amy's] absence did seem to dampen the spirits of her 26-year-old spouse, who began serving time almost a year ago to the day after assaulting a pub owner and then attempting to pay off a witness. He did, however, seem a bit worse for wear. In addition to a massive grin, Fielder-Civil was sporting red scratches on his arms and a chipped front tooth when he exited the Suffolk facility.

Normally we’d suggest that Blake should get himself to a dermatologist and a dentist quicksmart in order to look his best for his emotional reunion with his wife but, given that Amy Winehouse is now a wheezing old woman with sores all over her face, he probably shouldn’t worry about making too much of an effort at the moment.

Instead, the most important thing for Blake Fielder-Civil to do is try to put the last year of his life behind him and focus on the reason he’s in rehab. After all, the world has changed a lot in the last year, and it’ll take time for him to settle back into life on the outside.

Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. The world hasn’t really changed much in the last year. It still thinks he’s a tit, for instance.

In 1492 when Axl Rose was first granted permission by Spanish royalty to seek out a shorter trade route to India, he set out at an eager pace.

Instead of trade routes, however, he discovered the Americas. When his foot first set on the western world’s sandy shores he swore a solemn vow to one day release an album to honor that occasion. He gave a title – Chinese Democracy. A strange name for the album’s occasion, if you ask us.

But alas, he certainly has taken his time in fulfilling that oath. He has been busy though – what with all that ending slavery, covering all of WWII with a warm blanket of peace, and flying to the moon in a rocket-ship he built himself just for the self satisfaction of beating Neil Armstrong to it. Also he translated the bible back to the original Greek. He never took credit for the latter.

But apparently he’s cleared his schedule – because a Chinese Democracy release date has reportedly been set.

It wasn’t so long ago that Axl Rose’s legal team sucked the marrow from the bones of some kid who posted most of Chinese Democracy online without anybody’s permission. Before that he told Rock Band 2 they could steal as many of his songs as they wanted. Before that he said concretely that he was a Mr. Pibb man, and definitely never intended to ever be anything else.

Most recently though, Rose said he’s finally ready to unleash his musical infant-opus on the global public. Well, technically he didn’t say that – but people close to him have. According to Billboard.com:

“More than a decade after its conception, Guns N’ Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” will finally see the light of day before year’s end, sources close to the situation confirm to Billboard. As first reported here, the set will be a Best Buy exclusive and will be available Sunday, Nov. 23, rather than the usual Tuesday.”

Well that’s probably good news for several people. As for us, we’re more looking forward to the album he puts out after Chinese Democracy. We’ve heard working titles are: Don’t Be Afraid To Drink Chinese Milk Anymore, Hey kid – You Sucking on A Chinese Toy? Well By Gum Keep Doing It, Sorry Your Pets Died Eating Chinese-made Pet Food, But They’ve Got It Under Control Now, or some other title that’ll never ring true.

Somebody get that guy a Grammy shelf.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

If you’ve wanted to be in his gang for the last three years, but have been wondering what in the blue hell has been going on – fret not! For Gary Glitter is going to be released from the Vietnamese prison where he has been held since 2005 on child molestation charges.

Mark the August 19 in your diaries, devout fans and potential lynchmobs!

But what’s going to happen to Glitter – real name Paul Francis Gadd – on his release? Will he be able to survive in the real world without the benefits of correctional facility-based hospitals? Or will he mount a very public campaign where he continues to profess his innocence, even when no one cares enough to listen to him? Only time will tell.

Time that is, as well as an edition of People’s Police newspaper from this summer, where gangland Gary said he would continue work on an unfinished album once he was released. Yes, that’s right – Gary Glitter is aiming for chart success, mere years after being incarcerated on charges of child molestation. Some people just have no shame. And it won’t surprise hecklerspray to see that there are still fans of the weird-looking convicted kiddy-fiddler hanging around.

They’ll be the ones with a copy of his new album in one hand and their genitalia in the other, most likely.

Don’t let them in your homes or places of work – they smell quite bad. Plus, ignoring the dodgy aspects of their personalities, they’re also fans of Gary Glitter. Which should, frankly, be illegal itself.

Come August 19 we must unite as one people and keep on a constant lookout for freakish-haired old men with faces slightly like those of a troll skipping through our fair streets.

While we would never condone pre-judging someone or carrying out vigilante-ish justice, it’s probably in the best interests if the people of the world report any sightings of this convicted nonce to the nearest Skinhead Alliance, run by Barry “The Fist” McFist, offering detailed descriptions of his current position, movements and what speed he was travelling. They’ll handle the rest.

While hecklerspray wonders what gang we actually want to be in right now, seeing as we clearly don’t want to be in “my gang,” let’s take in what Chu Xuan Mau, an official from the prison Glitter is currently held, had to say:

“According to Vietnamese law, Glitter will be freed on August 19. The decision on his release will be read before him that day. It will be signed by the director of the prison.”

And, unfortunately, we can’t really argue with him – he holds the keys. Probably. Maybe figuratively more than literally, but you get the point.

Oh well – at least this means we can still legally makes jokes about Gary Glitter being into kids more than he should be. Better than most other celebrities, where we can’t even make half-hearted accusations. Bastards.