Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.

The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.

It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.

Ms. Ciccone directed and co-wrote the film which chronicles Edward VIII’s romance with American divorcee Wallis Simpson for whom he abdicated the throne in 1936, leaving the far more successful screen king George VI to take over. Thank God he did otherwise Colin Firth might have a significantly smaller trophy cabinet right now.

Still, Madonna is more interested in the pair’s deep love affair, rather than the widely negative reviews that the film has been garnering.

“When she says ‘I wonder what it was like to have been loved that much?’ I think I probably said that to myself.”

Madonna need only read the comments on any of our articles about her to know how much she is loved by a mindless shower of keyboard-mashing imbeciles but she goes on to say;

“Men want power and they will kill to have it. If you look back in history, how many wars have been waged to win the throne? And here’s a man who walked away from that for love. And so for a romantic like me, I would say: ‘Wow, to be loved like that!’ And Wally feels the same way – she wants to be loved like that.”

Poor Madonna doesn’t seem to be getting an adequate level of adoration from her dancer boyfriend. We’re not going to do that ‘gossip writing’ trick of saying how old he is to imply that she’s a cradle snatcher by the way. That’s not who we are. We’ll just say it. He’s 30 years her junior. It’s approaching a Hugh Hefner level of creepiness, that one.

Anyway, Madonna has great respect for the power that King Edward (latterly the Duke of Windsor) gave up to be with Ms Simpson. The star identifies with his actions.

“What Edward gave up was huge, monumental, but I also don’t think that he realised that when he abdicated he was never going to be allowed to come back into the country. I’ve been asked many times if I would give up everything for love. And I think it’s important to understand that with love, and in all relationships, you have to give up something.”

Like a country. Or a career. Or, in the case of her divorce from Guy Ritchie, someone to tell her that her new film was shit. Thankfully though, she didn’t give up on her dream and her negatively reviewed new film W.E. opens in cinemas on Friday. After all, the interview wasn’t done so that she could pour her heart out to the Radio Times, was it?

Aren’t we all lucky people right now? Frankie Cocozza is off the streets for the next few weeks so we can all get over that bad bout of crabs that we can’t seem to shift, Adele has a new boyfriend so we might not have a song that isn’t the worst sort of melancholic bollocks available and Lady Gaga has promised us a new album appearing sometime this year.

She doesn’t have name for it yet, and even if she did, we wouldn’t find out about it until she cryptically posted a video entitled ‘le title prologue’ or whatever bollocks language she thinks is so vogue right now, or has all the World’s press stepping on her toes, dying to get the slightest piece of information out of her tightly wound lips.

And we don’t mean the ones that’s-a on her face.

The subject theme of the album is heavily under wraps, but she’s united the hipster cocks of Downtown New York and all affected gay teens that want everyone to know they’re gay under one merry banner, so who’ll be added to Gaga’s army of Little Monsters? Transsexuals? Unpleasant shop workers? Koalas? Who knows? Well Gaga knows (we hope).

We don’t even have any information about what sort of things she will be including on her album, but a country threeway with William Shatner and Barbra Streisand probably isn’t going to be in there. Unless Gaga the Benevolent wants to throw the only man brave enough to captain the Enterprise against Khan Noonien Singh a bone.

She’s done it before, but do we honestly think that all the pop-slags drinking WKD purple and other such things would have been wearing bows made out of hair if she didn’t do it? Or things with shoulder pads?

Lady Gaga has a lot to answer for, but until extra clauses are put into the Geneva Protocol prohibiting the use of awful synths as methods of Warfare we might never get the answer to those questions. That’d be a great afternoon at The Hague wouldn’t it?

So a new Gaga album is almost imminent. Listening to it won’t be consensual, you’ll feel grubby and dirty afterwards, but the sooner it’s finished the better. Much like sex with Frankie Cocozza. The dirty hair rapist.

Oooh, that Lady GaGa is weird isn’t she? She loves letting us all know how weird she is. Or is it needy? We can’t tell the difference anymore. It’s the fault of emo kids. They turned being odd into a lifestyle choice and now we’re all confused. No. Not that kind of confused.

Not that you care. This is not about us. You want to know about Lady GaGa.

See, G’gaa left, reportedly, “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath. Is it some Satanic ritual? Did she have a particularly nasty period? Is she really terrible at shaving her legs and back? Let us investigate!

So, Our Lady Of The Gaga shocked a bunch of criminally underpaid staff when she checked out a swank London hotel. They discovered a pool of red liquid in the bath-tub of her suite.

One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was…

“bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual”.

The chances of the truth being as interesting as that are regrettably slim. Either way, the staff member told website Truthquake:

“Lady Gaga left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer. The incident was reported to the concierge, who was told to put it out of her mind.”

Someone else said:

“All of the hotel’s staff are convinced she was bathing in it or, at the very least, using it as part of one of her new costumes or weird stage routines.”

Yep. She was probably washing her meat-dress in the bath because no-one would dry-clean it for her, for fear of bringing it back medium-rare.

Naturally, this isn’t the first time GaGa has hammed it up with the kooky business. She’s previously spent £30,000 on Electro Magnetic Field detectors to see if she’s being haunted by a dead aunt. She’s apparently had a team of paranormal investigators do hourly sweeps of hotels she’s been at as she’s terrified of evil spirits.

It’s getting wearisome now isn’t it? Hurry up and release a half decent record already!

Lady Gaga is the ideal woman for… well… most gay men in the world. Apart from those who think she’s cynically milking the gay purse for all it’s worth. Of course, there are straight people and lesbians who fancy her as well, but all that doesn’t matter.

Bad news for you guys.

See, it appears that GaGa has sidestepped the whole, tired ‘Hur hur, she’s got a penis’ rumours to ‘Hur hur, she’s riding someone else’s penis’ now as she was spotted on a romantic stroll with a Vampire Diaries star. Presumably, they were both wearing crab-claw shoes and sporting hats made from tumble-dryer drums. Just to avoid being conspicuous you understand.

So who is this fanged hunk? Well, it’s the one and only (no, not Chesney Hawkes) Taylor Kinney. Wait. Weren’t they a punky girlband who were really great in the late 90s?

Probably not.

Either way, GaGa, with her underpants made from cobwebs and a bra made out of wistful memories, was spotted tottering around like a parrot on a perch with Kinney in California at Christmas. Christmas in Cali must be rubbish. All that frost and snow killing the man-planted palm trees. Awful.

Naturally, Queen Ga’ has been linked to The Vampire Diaries star before (some unimportant time in summer) after he played her love interest in the music video for her single You And I. Remember? Us neither.

AND NOW! Whoa. Wait ’til you hear this… they were spotted walking with their arms wrapped affectionately around each other. Entwined. AND walking. At. The. Same. Time. Amazing. Those crab shoes will have certainly helped them to walk sideways as they refused to rip their glare from each other’s crying-with-emotion eyeballs.

This is surely the greatest love-story ever told.

Hey! Celebrities! What are you giving us plebs for Christmas? No. We don’t want individual gifts from you. That would be stupid. We want something though because, if you didn’t know, Lady GaGa has got us all something.

Yeah. You heard, you tight-fisted, mean-spirited scrooges. You have all that money and time, and what? You’re doing nothing? You know that niggling doubt in your mind? That one that tell you everyone hates you? That one that says you’re transparent and talentless? We know. We’re holding it against you from now.

And all because Lady GaGa could be BOTHERED to get everyone a present while you sat there lording it up like you mean something to someone. What? What’s she getting us? Well…

While it may result in the equivalent of a lump of nuts in a football sock, it’s the thought that counts. See, GaGa is giving everyone a free download for the festives.

An unreleased track no less.

She’s going to record the song on her tour bus and the track will be available on Christmas Day to say thank you to everyone for turning her into a preposterously wealthy human being.

Those lumps in her shoulders don’t buy themselves, y’know?

She tweeted:

“Been racking my brain on what to get Little Monsters for Christmas!! I finally figured it out!!

“On Christmas Day I will leak to you an unreleased Song off Born This Way! It was recorded live, in one take, on the tour bus. Uncensored.”

It’ll be a swearfest then, right?

If it isn’t, can we have a receipt so we can swap the leaked track for something else? We never said we would be wholly grateful for the present.

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Normally when we see the ridiculous antics of groups of girls and younger gays on Twitter, clubbing together to form an online “army” and ruining Trending Topics for everyone, we usually want them all to die in a Lady Gaga inspired fire.

There’s armies for One Direction, Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole; if you’re a modern popstar cum bumwipe, chances are you’ll have yourself an army of devoted fans eventually.

But what happens when Armies turn bad? Well, that’s what Adele is finding out as she is getting some awful things said about her over Twitter recently. Truthful and hilarious, but still awful things.

So what’s got the Gaga Army all riled? Well, Adele’s success apparently. Both the stars are up for one of those fancy award thingies (like the one that we won for being the Best Celebrity Blog Ever) to become the bestselling artist IN THE WORLD.

Alarmingly, Adele has overtaken Lady Gaga and sold one in 10 records this year. That means that not only will Adele have a rotten amount of money and we’ve got to wipe our derrieres on old copies of the News Of The World, but that 10% of all record buying peoples are clearly dicks.

Bet they all tell everyone to shut up when ‘Someone Like You’ comes on and call it ‘their song.’ Even though it’s about having an unwanted love for someone. It’s hardly the most romantic of songs. It’s the thing of violent revenge attacks. It’s literally the soundtrack to Raoul Moat’s life.

It also means that it looks like Lady Gaga will be losing out to the eclair-loving songstress.

So what do the ‘Little Monsters’, the ridiculous name given to Lady Gaga fans, do? Congratulate the “talented” singer about her success and hope her the very best in her future endeavours? Of course not. They’ve been slating her with some hilari- sorry, horrible comments. The best we’ve seen is

“Confirmed: Gaga will not be wearing her meat dress because she is afraid Adele will eat it.”

Which is funny, because it could possibly be the truth. Cheryl Cole is thinking twice about wearing her choux pastry hat with sugar strand shoulder pads for the occasion.

Obviously we would normally only criticise someone because they’ve been attacking their girlfriend Chris Brown style, or if they make Moves (on children) Like Jackson, but we do have a special bucket of hate for Adele, with her depressingly mainstream pop songs that everyone loves all the time and that she’s basically stealing the shtick of most soul stars for the past sixty years.

But we wouldn’t change a thing Adele, mainly because seeing people get harassed on Twitter can be sometimes hilarious, and is a lovely way to spend time on the toilet.

Especially during a ‘distress poo.’

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Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea.

It’s all one big, vague art project to her.

And despite the fact she’s only been famous for the blink of a mayfly’s eye, that hasn’t stopped people wanting to cash in on her own clamber to the top of the popular culture pole. Let it be noted that by ‘pole’, we mean a long, slippery stick rather than a man from Warsaw. If becoming famous was as simple as humping a Polish gentleman, we’d all be at it, right? Just us? Oh.

Anyway, some jerks who work for American television have decided to make a new film which chronicles Lady GaGa’s rise to fame and fortune.

Just in time for everyone going cool on her. Seriously. We haven’t heard from her for a while and god knows our attention spans are shorter than Mike Tyson’s fuse.

Either way, executives at the Lifetime network are developing Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story, which will show Stefani Germanotta’s transformation from jobbing songwriter to full-on LOOK AT ME pop star.

The TV film (the new ‘straight-to-video’) will be based on Maureen Callahan’s 2010 book Poker Face: The Rise And Rise Of Lady Gaga and the script will be written by Norman Snider, who penned Kevin Spacey’s 2010 movie Casino Jack.

Lady Gaga is not involved in the project, so it can’t be that good.

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Cosmo or Compo?

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• Vote ‘Spray! - We’re nominated for a Cosmopolitan Blog Award and sure, usually we’re not interested in accolades but… well… actually… yeah. We’re total award whores. Vote for us under the ‘Celebrity’ category. Go now… go on… we’ll wait.
• Stickman – Draw a stickman and follow a wonderful little story through to its logical conclusion.
• The Best Video Ever – Sure, it might be cruel but you can’t say it’s not bloody impressive.
• X Factor USA – Knowing full well that our very own Sophie Hall has the UK version of the show locked down over here, The Guardian have taken it upon themselves to make ex-Hecklerspray Ed Stuart Heritage liveblog the US version. Check his twitter for the links and whatnot.
• Cab Calloway - Here’s a picture. Why not?

Creased

• Skimming Off The Top - Just how do you end up with a bill of £16 for a muffin?
• Crack Pipe Show n’ Tell – Is it creased or is it hilarious?
• VOLTRON! – It’s coming back as a comic… for no good reason.
• Dark Shadows – Tim Burton has done it again. Wait… where Hele- oh, there she is.
• The Death Penalty – Well… duh.

By the way… remember…

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Us here ‘Spray writers have written a lot of words over the years and it is with tired hearts and mangled hands that we begrudgingly bring this to you now.  Scroobius Pip is currently informing us that journalism is redundant through our pathetic laptop speakers, America is still unwittingly executing people, and R.E.M have just split up; don’t worry we’re not making THAT joke, but it all makes you remember how terribly rubbish the world is.

To bring this point home we considered bringing you new music videos from the likes of Mastadon and Trash Talk in which you could see a really dirty man, some breasts glow, and some skateboarders injure themselves while annoying everyone in California; and you’d only get a little bit of motion sickness.

Yes, there is a massive ‘but’ here… although, we thought that might not go down to well with all you lovely Cosmo readers.  Instead we’re celebrating the fact that you can watch hours of idiocy on ITV 2 tonight and tomorrow while Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell incessantly flirt and pass aggressive notes under the table about whose teeth are whiter.

So in our American X Factor Video Special you’re going to have to watch videos of past American Idol contestants because we just realised that this is a brand spanking new television drama just waiting to redeem our souls.

Americas sweetheart and answer to Will Young shook talentless middle America to it’s very core when she won the first season of American Idol at the tender, chubby age of 20, but that was nothing compared to her emotionally wrought (let’s face it) video for ‘Because Of You’.

It may not have been her first single and it may have come years into her probably floundering career, but 2005 was never the same after little Kelly Clarkson had her hair done and showed off her acting chops.  As the runner up in 2003’s World Idol we can safely rest in the knowledge that there is only one human on the planet who is better than her. Fact. So while all tonight’s hicks are crying about failing the 3rd grade spelling bee on the word ‘grape’ that one day they might be belting out covers of Sheryl Crowe songs that bring all that resentment to the surface.  This ladies and gents is where it all started. Nobody even knows who you are Kurt Nilsen!

Season 2 gave us the comedy fat-guy with a heart of gold and inner turmoil.  Ruben Studdard, kangol hat finely atop his head, is that man. He wears big floating shirts and gets praise from people like Luther Vandross, when they aren’t looking he records songs like this.

Somebody called Fantasia won season 3, unlike Olly Murs they didn’t even get a presenting job.

Carrie Underwood though, we all know who she is right?  Course we do, she sings those songs, sort of like Taylor Swift right?  That could be Sheryl Crowe though, so don’t hold us to that, she’s from Oklahoma because nobody that isn’t from the Mid-West has ever won an American talent competition before.  Carrie who beat our favourite long-haired chap who plays guitar and has an alliterative name, Bo Bice, has wowed audiences with such hits as…please hold while we go to Wikipedia…’Inside your Heaven’ and ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’.  In the video for the Grammy award winning ‘Before He Cheats’ you can see a feisty looking leather clad Carrie walk the streets with a baseball bat smashing the car of the cheater in questions, she also references Shania Twain which is fine by us.  Carrie looks a bit like Barbie, but not as human.  She has wind machines on her hair, and throws car keys in alcoholic beverages, she’s a bit full of herself this one.  The sheer power of her voice though does cause the windows of nearby buildings to explode, so that’s something.

Country music continued to prevail for another year and after that Jordin ‘my parents can’t spell’ Sparks won the competition somehow, but since her it’s just been average looking men with guitars strutting like male peacocks.

They could form a more tired, less self-deprecating, attempting to be well dressed, version of Snow Patrol.

As you only just remembered, or heard for the first time some of these names then you will have probably come to understand  your feelings and how you don’t care about the quality of video for whatever the next hit single may be.  The artists too have realised this and thus compile a series of images involving leaning towards the camera with a microphone stand, walking, and hitting a high note while in a moment of emotional intensity.  Let’s hope American X Factor can bring us a star who knows these industry secrets, a star that is homely in that Mid-Western way, a star who can sing like all of these people put together; let’s hope American X Factor can bring us Kelly Clarkson.  Alternatively we’ll settle for a family oriented hooker who snorts cheap drugs at the weekend.

Enjoy your time watching ITV 2 and if you have time between Iceland adverts, coping with the pain of the realisation that Randy Jackson isn’t here, and all the inane flirting then vote for us in those blog awards that we’re up for… please?

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Art School or Smart Fool?

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• The Pomegranate – The best phone ever made?
• Smash Google - Have you ever wanted to mangle Google for no other reason than the fact that you’re a violent sociopath? Well now you can!
• The Perry Bible Fellowship – A wonderful web comic that we’d all-but forgotten about.
• Slutwalk Photos – We’re suckers for a pithy placard.
• Alan Partridge On Twitter – No, seriously.

Creased

• BBC News - hecklerspray posted Scarlett Johansson’s naked pictures at 10.15am. Still, they like our pals at Holy Moly better than us.
• Texas Death Row – Regardless of your opinion of the death penalty, this makes for pretty chilling reading.
• Prada - Cutting edge of fashion or a hideous 1950s’ prosthetic leg? You decide.
• Glenn Beck TV – SOMETIMES SHOUTING AT PEOPLE ON TV ISN’T ENOUGH! LET’S ALL LEARN TO HATE ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL!
• Tatooine – It’s not quite as exciting now that they’ve found it.

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Do you know who Jo Calderone is? No. Well it’s Lady Gaga in men’s underpants. Okay? And when GaGa dons some skiddy briefs, drops the ‘s’ from ‘she’, all kinds of mischief can be had, including trying to molest Britney Spears who still has the look of a mental ward about her.

Great scenes, especially given that Jo Calderone is an anagram of ‘Cajole Drone’ – the only sensible suggestion we’ve got for an analogy concerning this pair mating (or ‘Re: Jade Colon’).

Calderone presented Britney Spears with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award (no idea what that means) and tried to dry-hump the awardee on-stage before nipping off to the men’s toilets do urinate everywhere that isn’t the urinal itself. That’s impressive staying in character.

Spears said of the Calderone encounter:

“We got onstage and felt it out.”

So that’s what it’s called these days. Oddly enough, Spears told the crowd that she resisted Calderone because she didn’t want to upset Gaga.

Kissing Madonna is fine though, apparently.

And where was GaGa?

Calderone says:

“She’s really fucking pissed at me. Gaga said ‘Fuck you,’ she said, ‘If you really love me you’ll go instead of me and get in that spotlight.’ So I did.”

He added, talking about humping Britters:

“She’s fucking hot, Britney. Gaga’s my girl, but Britney’s fucking Britney Spears. Didn’t you jerk off to Britney when you were a kid?”

We have absolutely no idea what’s going on, but we think we kinda like it.

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Lady GaGa is a creature that loves wearing outlandish outfits, but seemingly, feels so restricted by clothes in general that she’s more than willing to tear them off at any given point, ensuring that just about everyone has seen her boobies.

And she’s at it again, flopping them out all over her ivories.

That’s right bap-fans – GaGa is getting them out again, this time while singing a jazzy (read ‘Bublesque’) version of her latest record, You & I. And yes, you can be disappointed in it over the jump.

In the black and white video, GaGa promotes the MTV VMA 2011 thingy, which means she strips off for… ummm… some art-school reason or other.

She’s right to tart one off for MTV though as they’re looking after her by tickling her ego and nominating her for four VMAs, including Best Female Video and Best Video With a Message for Born This Way, as well as Best Art Direction and Best Choreography for Judas.

But you’re not interested in any of that are you?

You just want to see some famous breasts don’t you? Or indeed, you just want to watch it to feel disappointed or angry about the state of the world.

Well here you go then.

Boobs.

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Lady GaGa is learning to surf. Ain’t that great? She’s learning to surf in Mexico’s Puerto Vallarta, which must be a lovely way to spend your time. Don’t bother with all that Promoting Your New Single lark. Just take your bushy bushy blonde hairdo to the beach and go surfin’.

The best news is that she’s making “excellent progress”. Aren’t you glad?

Of course, we’re hoping that she’s learning to surf, so she can eventually don her meat frock and ride the waves as a moving target for sharks. If you’re famous and want to make the transition to Legend, then it is a good idea to die young, and die weird. What could be better than getting yourself into the annals of rock history by being mauled to death by a Great White while surfing in a dress made of beef? She should learn shark and shout “You guys are pussies! You guys get beat up by those bitch bottlenose dolphins!” too.

A source says, in tones so crushingly tedious that our ears folded in on themselves:

“For a relative beginner she took to surfing really well. She started quite slowly learning how to body-board and then she was able to work up to standing – she made excellent progress.

“She has been very relaxed since she arrived at the resort and is looking to unwind from her punishing timetable on the road.”

Of course, seeing as she’s a mermaid in her new video, she shouldn’t bother with stupid surf boards (the business card of the middle class dickhead ‘taking a year off to find themselves’). She should ride the crest of a wave on her fishy tail, letting out blood curdling screams like Daryl Hannah in Splash.

Either way, this surfing thing won’t be of any use to us, unless she’s prepared to have some kind of Kirsty MacColl/Sean Kingston style accident.

Right?

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Lady GaGa has a new video out again for us to all split into two camps about. One camp is the “Hurray! She’s weird and fresh! Just what pop needs!”, the other is the “Boo! She’s an idiot! An attention seeking idiot! Make her go away!”

This promo for ‘You And I’ will be no different as it features a sexually charged GaGa (or three) messing about with vomit, mermaids, quiffs and Heston Blumenthal.

What? Really? Yes. It’s all a warning about the perils of mixing fish with ice-cream.

So how do you go about warning people away from the prospect of fish flavoured ice-cream?

You may think that this is a message that doesn’t really need conveying. Fish and ice-cream? It sounds disgusting. That may well be the case, but for those curious sorts out there, you need to learn the lessons GaGa has.

Fish ice-cream will ruin your life.

Before we get going, here’s Lady GaGa’s seemingly innocent video for ‘You And I’. Watch it, and then we’ll tell you the secrets that lie within.

Like many, Gaga loves ice-cream so much that it actually hurts. She’s sinks to her pointy little knees in agony at the rear of an ice-cream truck. But this is no ordinary ice-cream truck.

This is ice-cream made by a toothless pervert. It’s his favourite flavour – mermaid hair.

Of course, mermaid hair ice-cream isn’t very nice and something of an acquired taste. So, the only viable alternative is to eat someone’s chin.

Of course, having someone nibble your chin while your breath smells like fishy hair is rather arousing. Gaga likes people nibbling her chin just as much as she likes ice-cream. How do we know? Well, all of her clothes have accidentally fallen off.

And what happens when people’s clothes fall off? They do the sex. The sex is always followed by a post coital cigarette, right? But who’s that man on the piano? Is it Mr Chin Nibbler?

No! It’s Lady GuyGuy!

However, mermaid hair ice-cream is so potent, that mixed with having your chin nibbled, it turns you into a ravenous sexpot. Lady GaGa soon ditches ol’ Lady GuyGuy and starts making out with some other dude! It is here that we begin to see the worrying after effects of fish flavoured ice-cream.

While Joe Smokestabs administers ice-cream in the usual fashion (in a cone, with nicotine stained fingers), this new guys has the moves! He’s some kind of experimental Heston Blumenthal type chef who administers ice-cream through strange contraptions.

And this new chap is not only experimental with his desserts. He’s so good at sex that he can turn you into a fish. This, of course, is an allegory for being promiscuous. It all becomes clear. Mr Sexy Sexy may well be the exciting option, but he’s riddled with STDs. He’s a playa, as the folks of Geraldo probably say.

Look at the fishy sex! This is clearly a set-up which requires us to mention the smell of a poorly vagina. The smell of fish.

And what does a poorly vagina make us do? Lady GuyGuy demonstrates with a nice vomit brought about by anxiety, anger and the smell of a fishy vagina. Damn.

So what have we learned? Don’t trust a man who administers his penis at you in weird ways because, chances are, it will make you smell like fishy ice-cream and make your ex-partner puke with disgust. A lesson for us all there.

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