Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

In a bid to mend the broken insides of Lindsay Lohan, the law has required her to complete 12 morgue visits and 4 psychotherapy sessions by Tuesday’s court hearing. That’s more dead body contact than psychiatric help. How wonderful!

While at the morgue, Lohan has been a model employee, which clearly means that she’s falling in love with all the stiffs.

After tomorrow’s hearing, Lindsay will be at the halfway mark of her probation, which means that she’ll have to complete ANOTHER 12 morgue visits and 4 therapy classes.

She’s going to be barking mad by the time the law is done with her.

And the best thing is, should she mess up, she’ll find herself being sent to prison for 270 days, which will absolutely erode whatever semblance of human is left in there.

She doesn’t stand a chance does she?

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.

She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.

And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?

See, LiLo was left irked after her purse got pinched. In leaked audio footage, the Mean Girls actress (we have to keep saying ‘Mean Girls star’ because she’s really done nothing of note since then) can be heard spitting that she’ll “f**king kill someone” if it means she has to go back to jail.

Basically, her passport, some documents and ID was swiped in her hideously expensive bag, which meant that she wouldn’t have been able to get back to Los Angeles in time for her next court date.

That could’ve meant a judge sending her to the slammer.

During the clip obtained by TMZ, Lindsay can be heard saying:

“This is not good. I will f**king kill someone if I even have to get questioned.”

Alas, her bag was eventually recovered along with her documents. Smartly, whoever stole the bag managed to keep a tidy $10,000 for themselves. Nice job Thiefo.

And while all this was going on, the rest of the world was ogling LiLo’s leaked Playboy nudes, which marvellously means that no-one needs to buy a copy now.

Who wants to buy actual magazines these days when you have brilliant sites like this to yoink all the good stuff for you, eh?

Have a look. And no, they are totally not safe to view at work. Or NSFW if you’ve been skim reading.

Images found here. They have more photographs too. Go sue them if you have a problem. Thanks.

Everybody knows that, if you want to really, really, really convey gravitas, pink pen is the way to do it. Suicide note? Pink pen. Will? Pink pen. Dear John letter? Pink pen. First draft of Mein Kampf? Pink pen, preferably glittery.

And so, it has been discovered that Lindsay Lohan’s journal is written in the pinkest of pens. That’s because she’s a girl and all girls always write in pink pen, in their pink diaries, in their pink Hello Kitty bedrooms.

So what’s this about gravitas? Well, if you want the world to hear about your love affair with Heath Ledger and his subsequent death? Pink pen.

See, LiLo isn’t all (the following are alleged for the sake of spying lawmen) stealing jewels, punching people in rehabs, lesbian trysts, class A drugs, falling down drunk, ankle tags, sex toy ranges and getting your boobies out for Hugh Hefner.

Hell no. Lindsay is a real person, with real feelings and a pink biro.

In a joint investigation, Star and RadarOnline have told the world that Lohan uses a pink pen to write in her diary. Of course, the words she’s written in pink aren’t always fluffy and cute.

In a copy of LiLo’s 2008 journal which they’ve somehow obtained, the freckled thesp expresses deep romantico-sexual feelings for Heath Ledger. Her soul was all entwined like mating slugs hanging from a branch by their sexy mucus.

In the journal, LiLopalooza wrote:

“Today Heath died”

“I’m in love with him. . . . He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Grieving widow, Michelle Williams, must be absolutely thrilled at this news. Next week, we explore why Hollywood is so bloody incestuous.

It’s good to be writing trash about Lindsay Lohan again. For a moment, it looked like she was going to start being well-behaved and no-one wants that. Premature death, arrest, drug-use – all those things are fine. Being a goodytwoshoes? Who cares?

And since she got her ankle tag off, she’s been doing a nudie photoshoot for Playboy, which is thrilling for all concerned.

Better yet, is that some scamp has decided to leak the cover which features Lohan and her boobies are there and a red chair and… why don’t you see for yourself over the jump?

The rabble-rousing actress was last on these pages as a potential sex-toy (click here for more on the LiLdo) and now she’s going to be the affections of a million trouser botherers.

On the cover, you’ll see LiLo straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair, with her long, flowing breasts all there, complete with black heels.

Remember folks. If you insist on wearing footwear when naked, never EVER let the things on your feet be white tube socks, okay?

Anyway, it is widely rumoured that Lohan was paid $1 million for the shoot and it was going to be revealed – remarkably – on the Ellen DeGeneres show on December 15th.

We’ll show it off instead.

Of course, we’re too thick to actually hack an account and leak something. A random internet search showed these people showing it off. They’re one of many. So if anyone is thinking of suing us, go see the Metro newspaper first eh? No-one actually enjoys reading that, so go book ‘em Danno!

Speaking about the snaps, which appear in the January/February issue of the magazine, Hefner spoke about the inspiration behind the shots.

“It’s a classic tribute, inspired by the original Tom Kelley nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe. [It's] classy, very classy”

“It turned out very well. I would say that I had some reservations early on, but after a couple of false steps, everybody came on board and it’s going to be very exciting”

Marilyn Monroe? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. We’re sick of the bloody sight of her.

There’s nothing better than a nice antique leather chair to help you relax after a long day at work.

Well, this theory may be put to the test with the announcement that Nancy Dell’Olio is to pose naked in an upcoming edition of everybody’s favourite spunk-rag, Playboy.

The Strictly Come Dancing star is apparently really eager to show everyone just what Iggy Pop’s chuff would look like if he were a woman.

A source close to Dell’Olio says that, “She’s willing to show top and bottom in a tasteful way.” Which is kind of horrifying when you think about it, unless you’re into that sort of thing. We’re looking at you Wayne Rooney. Don’t pretend you haven’t wanted this ever since Sven introduced you to his 156-year old wife for the first time.

The deal is worth a reported £250,000 and hinges upon whether Hef can come up with a suitably ‘exotic’ location in which to reveal what once lurked under Nancy’s leotard.

So, when your next jazz mag drops through the door in that discrete brown envelope, just be aware that when you open it up you may find the lovely Nancy Dell’Olio, spread-eagle on a beach somewhere, sipping on champagne and winking at you despite her eyes being covered by some obscenely large sunglasses.

For those of you that can’t quite picture that, here’s a top hecklerspray tip, shave your scrotum, liberally apply some fake tan (and when we say liberally, we’re talking at least 2 bottles), then shove a mirror between your legs and stare at it until you’ve stopped throwing up.

Thanks Nancy, you’ve managed to ruin both leather chairs and our own scrotums for us in just under 300 words.

When you need money, you need money, right? We’ve all, at some point, turned our mothers in to become prostitutes when we’ve needed money to buy rolling tobacco and cans of Spesh. However, when you’re a celebrity, you simply turn yourself in.

How wonderful that must be.

And Lindsay Lohan, fresh off the back of accepting a large cheque to bare her boobies in Playboy, could well be going into the sex toy industry. Could it be a lifesize Lohan doll you can have your way with? Or will it be a contraption called ‘The Parent Trap’, which is like a Chinese finger trap, for genitals?

Apprently, LiLo has been offered $1 million to launch her very own line of bedroom toys.

There’s a lot of themes you could play with when designing these things. A diamond-encrusted one, akin to the jewels she stole from that shop! Or maybe, one that smells of a boozy burp in rehab? Or a particularly large vibrator that makes you screw your face up like a mean girl?

The best, of course, would be the handcuff set, completely with sexy judge’s wig.

Not sure you’d want to see a line that is based on her current community service work at the Los Angeles County Morgue. Takes allsorts though.

No. The offer, as it stands, is from a sex toy manufacturer who want a mould of LiLo’s genitals so that… well… if you need telling what comes next, then it’s time for you to start using the internet properly.

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Boob enthusiasts may want to take note of this article. Y’see, Lindsay Lohan appears to be getting her freckled bangers out in the fresh air while someone photographs them, so we can use them for our own nefarious purposes.

That’s right. Provided she doesn’t end up someone’s prison bitch any time soon, LiLo is doing a nude photoshoot for Playboy.

She’ll be getting nearly a million dollars for it, which means that each of her boobs is worth more than an entire you.

Hugh Hefner will be trying to forget about that painful, failed marriage and offering Lindsay lots of money to get ‘em out for us.

Maybe she’ll use the money to get her teeth fixed?

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend, which means that Linds must be juggling her morgue duties with getting naked. Hopefully, the shoot is taking place amongst the cadavers, just for interest of course.

Of course, we’ve all seen Lindsay Lohan’s busters before. She flopped them out in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete as well as posing boobful as icon Marilyn Monroe for New York magazine in 2008.

While this is all well and good, we much prefer the drug-taking, getting into fights in rehab, always drunk, jewel stealing Lohan that was constantly on our radar for all those years.

Better than nothing.

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If you’ve ever been told to stop making a boob of yourself, then usually you’re doing something stupid like stirring a cup of coffee with your wang. Just us? Anyway, in the case of Holly Madison, if she didn’t have her busters, her income would dry up faster than a cream-cracker in the Mojave Desert.

When Holly was growing up, she didn’t want to be a doctor. Instead, her dream was to walk around in hardly any clothing whilst her employee Hugh Hefner furiously rubbed his thighs so much that his shrivelled love stick would get a friction burn.

Unless she has a fetish for pensioners, Holly Madison was one of Hefner’s many paid girlfriends, but now she’s free from wrinkled clutches, she’s being her own woman! Sadly, feminists will be dismayed to hear that she still requires her chest to get through life and has just taken out an insurance plan on her knockers.

Not many people will have had the opportunity to feel a Playboy playmates bosom, but because we vaguely care about our readers, we know how to create an almost identical experience that’ll make you think you’re groping Holly Madison.

Just like most of the hecklerspray writers, we assume that you’re a pathetic and lonely individual who doesn’t have a willing girlfriend who’s prepared to help you out.

To recreate the strange situation of touching Madison’s bazangers, simply go to the kitchen and get two rubber plunger heads filled with pâté, shove them down your t-shirt and let the fondling commence.

You see, Holly Madison isn’t naturally gifted when it comes to the boob department. Overnight, a magic nork fairy didn’t magically enhance her. Instead, she plumped up to a D-cup from an A-cup all thanks to the wonders of silicon. Effectively, all those provocative pictures she’s the star of are making her look like a walking portfolio for the surgeons who sliced her upon and injected her with goo.

Knowing she’s made of plastic that could start to degrade, she said the following about her insurance:

“If anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars. I thought I’d cover my assets.”

Cover her assets indeed!

Let’s face it, due to the nature of the business she’s in, covering her assets is the last thing she should do.

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Hugh Hefner is not a happy man. Is it because he sincerely thought Crystal Harris was his true love and there was genuine shock and misery at her jilting him at the altar, before going on to say nasty things about his prowess in the bedroom?

Or is it because his male pride is taking an absolute hammering?

Whatever it is, he’s not about to start taking insults from an air-head like that! No way! So is he coming out fighting and saying that she has unsightly moles on her mons or that she actually has a dozen teats down her stomach like some pig in a boob tube? Of course he isn’t. He’s pointed at his chap and saying ‘Yeah? I totally do sex with it all the time. Like, a million times a day. And all the women can’t walk properly. After I’ve had sex with them I mean. I’m not using my wonder wand on people in wheelchairs. Although I would because I’ve got no problem with them. Can I have a lie down now? A normal one, not a sex one. Thanks. I get ever so tired.’

Anyway, Harris said that the Boob Magnate lasted “two seconds” in the sack, which saw Hefner coming out with boxing gloves on to sort all this out. Alas, he’s so old, that he couldn’t quite lift his hands up into the fighting position, leaving him trying to generate enough moisture from his body to create a solitary tear of frustration.

Well kinda.

What Hef actually did was to say that Harris “lied about our relationship” before going on about how they were at it all the time.

“For the record, I have sex on a weekly basis. And I did throughout my two-and-a-half years with Crystal.”

Crikey. He must be bored to tears of having the old in/out. If he’s done it at least once a week, that’s 52 times a year. Now multiply that by the 39,762 years he’s been on this Earth and… well… we shudder to think how he gets his kicks these days.

It seems variety is the spice of life as Hef added:

“My sex life involves more than one partner and has since the end of my marriage in 1998″

“There’s safety in numbers. When I try to settle down [like I did with] Crystal, I get burned.”

It won’t be too long before a young, nubile woman wants to marry the incredibly wealthy grot vendor, so he’ll be okay. Or dead soon.

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We were all pretty shocked when Crystal Harris decided to ditch Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, just days before she was due to walk up the altar. They seemed like such a lovely couple. Perfect for each other in fact!

Alas, it wasn’t to be and us mere mortals were denied the greatest love story ever told.

Not that there was much lovin’ going on. See, Crystal has decided to spill the beans on the couple’s sex life… or should we say, lack of it. So little nookie was had that Harris claims that she never even saw Hef naked. As a little treat for her, we’ve decided to share our picture of Hefner with no clothes on with her.

The runaway snide has said that she had never seen the 85-year-old boob mogul sans clothes:

“Hef doesn’t really take off his clothes. I have never seen him naked”

That doesn’t mean she didn’t get bizzay with him though. Of course she did. That’s how she snared him isn’t it? He clearly didn’t like her for ability to keep their sexual antics private.

This could be something to do with the fact that they only had sex once during their two-year relationship, and that it lasted “like about two seconds.”

Lovely. She added, like it was some kind of surprise:

“I just like, walked away. I am not turned on by Hef. Sorry”

Anyone would think this was some kind of cold-eyed, cynical careerist move on her part wouldn’t they? Well, just so she has to endure the same horrors we’ve been enduring, we’re finally leaking our image of Hef naked that we’ve had all these years.

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Arm-hacking enthusiast James Franco has confirmed the end of five-year relationship with actress Ahna O’Reilly citing a love of books as the reason for their terminating their ‘love contract’.

The actor, famous for managing to look handsome while cutting off his arm in ’127 Hours’ has confirmed his five-year romance with Ahna O’Reilly has ended because he is so busy with his other education commitments, although he did not manage to reveal when they ended their relationship, presumably realising that no-one would give two hoots.

Women everywhere (who read Playboy?) are said to be feeling listless and lost. First George Clooney becomes single and now George Clooney Jnr has become single. Who do they go for? Who do they pin their idiotic hopes on? They’ll never get either of them, but now there’s two.

hecklerspray can testify to the fact that it’s extremely difficult to stalk more than one person. That’s why we have a writing team.

Frano has been studying at Yale University, New York University, Warren Wilson College in North Carolina, Brooklyn College and Columbia University which either means that he’s something of a polymath or just that he’s too thick to stay anywhere for more than a year. What is he even studying?

He told the new issue of Playboy magazine:

“It’s over. That lasted about four or five years. We’d been living together in Los Angeles and then came to New York to go to school for two years. Then I signed up for more school at Yale. I think that was it for her.”

That’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? He signed up for ‘more school’. More. School. A phrase which is a shocking indictment of the English tutors at Ivy League universities but let’s not dwell on that too much. We’re clearly just bitter.

James admitted in the interview that he hasn’t had much luck with women, particularly when he was at school because he was so “shy and awkward”. It’s a real pity that he never really blossomed as a person and became a film star. James Franco really is one of the forgotten men of Hollywood. Oh… wait…

When asked by the Playboy interviewer, who was rubbing his thighs, when he lost his virginity, he said:

“In high school with my girlfriend. Her name was Jasmine. We went out freshman year and then I blew it. She kind of got over me, but we got back together at the beginning of junior year and dated for two years. She was my first real relationship.

“I think girls liked me, but I was awkward, shy and emotionally immature, so I didn’t have a ton of girlfriends. I had short-term relationships and always got dumped, I think because I was too slow for them.”

That might be why he keeps signing up for ‘more and more school’ because he’s worried he’s slow. Girls don’t like guys who are slow. That’s why none of hecklerspray’s male writers get any girls. Ever.

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Hugh Hefner has invented a cloning machine. We’re presupposing as much because yet another girlfriend has been added to Hugh’s arsenal of glorified ladies of the night. Ever heard of November 2011 Playboy Playmate Shera Bechard? No? Us neither.

A little too old for his tastes, we think, Shera is the 27-year-old new girlfriend of the 85-year-old smut-peddler. Yes, that’s another one since last Monday when he confirmed that Anne Sophie Berglund and the Shannon twins were back in his harem.

In what reads like the world’s most convoluted ploy for publicity, Hugh has used the break-up with Crystal Harris to pimp his forthcoming Playboy issues and the latest non-descript blonde who’s going to age out within a year.

Into his cloning device, Hugh puts thongs, botox, implants, and too much bleach. Clearly, the machine’s in need of fine tuning. None the less, it’s a work of sheer wizardry. All you would need is some ointment to soothe the itch from the nasties picked up in the literally filthy mansion and you would have a party in a box.

Speaking of boxes, being too literal for our own good, Hugh patronizingly called Anna his ‘one in a million… darling… best girl’ only last week.

This week, he added Shera. ‘Shera is both our November 2011 Playmate & my new girlfriend,’ Hugh told a Twitter follower on Monday.

Seeing this, his new plaything, with fully adjustable limbs, wrote that she ‘really does love’ the man with whom she has been enjoying early bird dinners.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

It takes a lot of work to be described as a legend. You have to be dedicated to what you do and do it well for years of your life. Eventually, your achievement is such that your creation will be on any imaginable number of products that make less and less sense. Imagine your logo on bottle openers and the front of thongs! Imagine! The logo that has become synonymous with the objectification of women or, as others like to think of it, baps and bush.

Imagine you created that. Imagine you’re Hugh Hefner. Just take thirty seconds and imagine that. Have you lost your erection and/or heightened state of sexual arousal? Yes, of course you have.

Shrivelled titfid Hugh Hefner is reported to have moved on from ex-fiancée Crystal Harris,  despite their engagement only ending last week. The renowned smoking jacket wearer is said to have been so aroused by his new ‘target’ that he almost managed to allow enough blood to rush to his flaccid member to allow its non-artificial engorgement. That’s love in the Playboy Mansion.

According to Popeater, the Playboy founder has sparked a romance with Anna Sophia Berglund, better known as this year’s Playboy ‘Miss January’. You might not know her as that, given that you’ve probably yanked your way through five more months by now and have forgotten what she looks like.

“It’s clear Hef has moved on to Anna,” a source claimed while faking climax. The source went on to claim that they had been part of seven-way where Hefner had screamed “GET OFF HER!” at a moment of orgasm which, hecklerspray is led to believe, is the accepted sign that Hef has taken a shine to one of the girls.

Berglund has apparently moved into Hefner’s bedroom, and the two were said to have been kissing and cuddling throughout a recent movie night at the mansion but there was no mention of anything else – thank god.

Earlier this week Crystal Harris called off her engagement to Hefner less than a week before their wedding. Sources close to Harris claimed that the constant female presence in the Playboy mansion had played a significant part in her decision to end the engagement. Celebrity commentators have all let out a collective “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Harris is also said to have been alarmed by the Pope’s recent appearance on a balcony.

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