Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You’ve brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married.

We’re in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson’s death was sad, it couldn’t never stop something as profound as love.

And, no, we don’t really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that’s not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don’t? Good. Now shut up.

Kendra Wilkinson has had a hard life. Accidentally named after what we can only imagine is a 1950s kitchen appliance as a baby, Kendra has stumbled from one bad decision to another throughout her entire existence.

And perhaps the biggest bad decision of these involved agreeing to be one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. True, because of this Kendra Wilkinson got fame, wealth and the chance to live in faded, slightly grubby luxury – but there’s also a strong chance that she had to physically touch Hugh Hefner’s genitals more than once, and being made to cup what appears to be two mouldy walnuts and an exhausted-looking length of uncooked sausagemeat in a loose parcel of chicken wattle with your bare hands is probably something that stays with a girl.

But as of Saturday Kendra Wilkinson was able to put all of those bad decisions behind her and start again completely from scratch by getting married to her boyfriend Hank Baskett. The wedding was a clean break from the past. There was no mention of Playboy or Hugh Hefner – it was just Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett, and that’s all that either of them needed.

Except that, you know, most of the guests were Kendra’s old Playboy model chums. And Hugh Hefner was there. And the entire poxy bloody wedding took place at the Playboy mansion. Still, at least that was it – having a wedding at an ex-boyfriend’s house is sort of fine, we guess, so long as nothing too creepy took place. People reports:

Before some 300 guests, including ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner, the bride and groom Hank Baskett recited traditional vows. Wilkinson wore a white dress with a “tight bodice and poofy skirt”… Like the wedding, the reception was very traditional. While Wilkinson and Baskett danced the first dance to George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart,” the bride saved the second dance for Hefner.

Oh COME ON. Your SECOND DANCE was with Hugh Hefner? WHY? Why would you even DO that, Kendra Wilkinson? What happened after that? Where was the honeymoon? The inside of Hugh Hefner’s mouth? Up Hugh Hefner’s bum? Because that’s where it seems like it should be. Honestly Kendra Wilkinson, we give up. We actually give up.

Although, you know what? If getting married in her ex-boyfriend’s house and then having her second-ever dance as a married woman with the same ex-boyfriend makes Kendra Wilkinson happy, we’re not going to judge her. After all, it worked when Ivana Trump got married in Donald Trump’s garden, didn’t it?

What? It didn’t work? The marriage barely lasted seven months? Oh. Well that sort of negates our point a little bit, then. Whoops.

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Want to become famous? OK, here’s how you do it. 1) Be completely awful. 2) Spend a few hours in a dark room until you vomit.

Honestly, it works. Thanks to her being awful on The Hills and then vomiting a bit on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Heidi Montag has never been so famous. And now she’s finally achieved fame, it’s time for her to use that fame for something important and philanthropic and world-changing. Heidi Montag is going to pose naked for Playboy.

What? It could be worse. She could be doing something that involves her voice.

Right now it’s the done thing to be rude about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, but you know what? We’re not going to rise to it. In our opinion Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are brilliant. They’re the gift that keeps on giving. To be more accurate they’re the totally unwanted gift that keeps on giving even though you’ve exasperatedly threatened it with violence unless it stops giving, but a gift’s a gift.

Heidi and Spencer’s propensity of attention-seeking whiny awfulness is bottomless. They were awful on The Hills, more awful when they attempted to launch a musical career, even more awful when they decided to get married and somehow even more awful than that when their stint on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here ended with Heidi Montag crying and vomiting semi-digested bean-clods down herself because she didn’t like being in a room with some spiders.

But that’s it, right? That’s as awful as either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt are prepared to get, right? Wrong. You appear to have ruled out the possibility that Heidi Montag will strip naked and pose for Playboy soon. Which we’re sure you’ll agree is so aneurysm-inducingly awful that you probably shouldn’t think about it for very long. Here’s Heidi Montag discussing it on The View:

“I would do it very tastefully, and not necessarily nude… It is a very reputable magazine. Many people have done it. I cannot technically confirm, I would love to do it, I might have done it.”

It’s not really a surprise that Heidi Montag was approached to appear in Playboy, given that she’s got blonde hair and more than three people know her name – which does seem to be the magazine’s policy at the moment – but we can’t work out why she chose to accept the offer at this precise moment in time.

After all, aren’t Playboy shoots usually reserved for celebrities on the wane? Surely Heidi Montag isn’t admitting that puking up because she didn’t like the quality of her accommodation has made her as famous as she’ll ever be. Surely rather than get naked for Playboy she should maximise on her current notoriety to become even more famous by, say, manually bringing a farm animal to orgasm for a cable TV show or making a direct-to-DVD film that nobody ever watches all the way through. You know, something big-time.

Still, at least Playboy is getting something out of this Heidi Montag shoot. After all, considering the financial difficulties that it reportedly faces, it needs a good back-up plan. And if there’s a better way to repel bailiffs than stacks and stacks of unsold pictures of Heidi Montag’s naked breasts, we’d like to hear it.

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OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn’t the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper.

However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she’s pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day.

And also because Kendra Wilkinson’s ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn’t it?

Kendra Wilkinson is living proof that having blonde hair and ridiculously outsized boobs doesn’t automatically make you famous. This is because a) the day you start referring to crushingly generic Playboy booby models like Kendra Wilkinson as famous is the day you stop being taken seriously as a human being, and b) even if Kendra Wilkinson was famous – which we’d like to again reiterate that she’s not – then it’d be a title she’s fought hard to win.

After all, Kendra Wilkinson wasn’t just a Playboy model – for a while there she was also one of Hugh Hefner’s flock of uncomfortably similar-looking girlfriends, a thankless task which we imagine involves little more than changing his bedpan three times a day in a sexy wipe-clean bra. And you have to admit, if that was your job you’d want a little recognition for it as well.

Anyway, Kendra Wilkinson and Hugh Hefner are no more. At the tail end of last year Kendra broke Hugh’s heart – something that’s only achieved through deep emotional loss or, in Hugh’s case, his elderly body’s inability to break down saturated fats – but that’s not to say that the story doesn’t have a happy ending. Hugh Hefner has already moved on romantically to what can only be described two orange foetuses in Pamela Anderson wigs, while Kendra has only gone and got herself knocked up already.

That’s not a shock in itself – Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to professional sportsman Hank Baskett and will marry him at the end of the month – but what is surprising is that she’s due to have her baby on Christmas day. So how did Kendra Wilkinson react to the news that her pregnancy was set to end on one of the most spiritually important days of the religious calendar? With admirable sensitivity and restraint, that’s how. Kendra told E! Online:

“I’ve thrown up in almost every limo that has taken me out in the last week. God, they hate me right now.”

It brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it? In fact, it does actually make us wish that Kendra Wilkinson was carrying the second coming of Christ, just because it’d make such an adorable Nativity scene. Imagine – Kendra Wilkinson puking her guts up in a limo with a baby hanging out of her knickers, with the three wise men replaced by topless triplets rubbing their boobs together and Hugh Hefner trying to cop a feel under the Archangel Gabriel’s skirt because he can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a man or a woman.

Yes, that’s definitely something we’d like to see schoolchildren try and re-enact for their horrified parents each year onstage. Make it so, Kendra.

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We know, we’re shocked too. Maybe she’s taken a knock to the head or something. But, nevertheless, Jennifer Aniston has apparently turned down a $10million offer from Hugh Hefner to appear naked in Playboy.

Well, obviously that’s unless Angelina Jolie decides to pose naked for Playboy any time soon, because if she does then Jennifer Aniston is quite willing to ram an endoscope up her clodge and project the resulting images onto the surface of the moon. For free. Obviously.

Playboy has lost its sparkle lately, hasn’t it? Thanks to the internet, we’re all able to look at the naked breasts of literally any celebrity on Earth. Or, failing that, the head of any celebrity on Earth badly photoshopped onto a pair of naked breasts. Or, failing that, a horrifyingly detailed pencil drawing of any celebrity on Earth’s naked breasts as imagined by a clammy 50-year-old friendless virgin whose major aspiration in life is to become a dangerous stalker.

In summary, Playboy is redundant.

However, you’ve got to love Playboy for the way it refuses to admit defeat with its increasingly-desperate publicity stunts. First Playboy wanted Lindsay Lohan to get naked. Then, when it realised its mistake – nobody’s going to pay to see a something that they’ve already seen so often that the thought of it makes them feel a bit sick – Playboy changed targets and asked Miley Cyrus to be naked.

But, again, that was a misfire – people were not only repulsed by the idea of a naked 15-year-old girl, but there isn’t a man on the planet who’ll  admit to being aroused by anything that’s 50% Billy Ray Cyrus.

So Playboy has gone for one last roll of the dice – it wants Jennifer Aniston to get naked, and it’s willing to pay her $10million for it. But, guess what, Jennifer Aniston isn’t having any of it. MTV reports:

The 40-year-old was reportedly approached with the offer by magazine boss Hugh Hefner after her recent photo shoot for GQ in which she posed nude save for a well placed necktie. At the time the Playboy Boss remarked of the cover: “This looks like the cover of Playboy. I’m much impressed by Jennifer. Is it just me or is Jennifer Aniston getting hotter?”

It might seem strange that Jennifer Aniston won’t get naked for Playboy when she was only just naked in GQ a few months ago, but that’d be failing to understand a simple truth – Jennifer Aniston will only get naked when a) she’s got a film coming out, b) she thinks that it’ll make Angelina Jolie remember all the sex she used to have with Brad Pitt and flinch like a baby eating a lemon or c) she hasn’t been in a celebrity magazine for upwards of 36 hours.

So it looks like we’ll just have to get used to the idea of a world without a naked Jennifer Aniston centrefold in Playboy. Shame. We’ll have to think of something else to plaster all over our front door to keep burglars away when we’re on holiday now.

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But you know who does? Criss Angel, the magician who’d be just like David Blaine if only David Blaine a) did magic tricks any more and b) constantly walked around in clothes that made him look like an emo weekend dad having a chronic mid-life crisis regardless of how much of a ridiculous tithole everyone thinks he is.

But Criss Angel must be doing something right, because he’s Holly Madison’s new boyfriend. Word has it that Criss Angel ensnared Madison by performing a number of magic tricks that Hugh Hefner could never do, like running up the stairs, doing the Can-Can and getting an erection unaided. But can Criss Angel doze off in an armchair in the afternoon while doing some gentle Sudoku? No he can’t – Hefner will always have that.

Here’s where we’ve been going wrong with the ladies. We’re not in our forties, we don’t dress in an utterly age-inappropriate way, we haven’t got hair that we seem to have copied from a Funeral For A Friend video, we don’t wear so much pretend-Gothic jewellery that we look like a negative of Mr T at a pikey seance, we’ve never had a knock on the head that’s caused us to believe we’re actually the lead character from The Crow and we don’t share a profession with Paul Daniels.

In short, we’re not Criss Angel. Criss Angel is all of those things, and his appeal to women is as undeniable as it is completely baffling. In his time, if rumours are to be believed, Criss Angel has worked his way through everyone from Cameron Diaz to Britney Spears, all with the aid of nothing more than old-fashioned mysticism and a profound absence of self-respect.

And now Criss Angel seems to have moved onto Playboy Playmate and Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend Holly Madison. It seems as though Angel’s thing is blondes with big boobs. Antony Worral Thompson must be bricking it.

Anyway, the relationship between Criss Angel and Holly Madison was more or less confirmed at the opening night of his new Las Vegas collaboration with Cirque Du Soleil entitled either Great: Magic Needed To Be More Pointlessly Theatrical, Didn’t It or Sorry You Couldn’t Get Tickets For That Beatles Show: We Hope This Will Do or something, as People reports:

Angel and Madison have been spotted kissing and snuggling over the last several weeks in Las Vegas, but remain somewhat coy about their relationship. “This is one of the most special evenings for me in my life and I can not think of a more beautiful person, a more special person, inside and out, than Holly to spend it with,” Angel said.

That would almost be sweet, wouldn’t it, apart from two main points. Firstly, we could have done without the mental image of Criss Angel exploring Holly Madison’s insides, and secondly it only seems like a couple of days ago that Hugh Hefner was admitting how sad he was when Holly Madison split up with him. It seems a bit thoughtless to rub Hefner’s nose in it by getting off with an emo gimp like Criss Angel so soon afterwards, doesn’t it?

On the other hand, perhaps this is a step in the right direction for Holly Madison. After all, there was a 54-year age difference between her and Hugh Hefner, and only a 12-year gap between her and Criss Angel. Perhaps, with a bit of time and a lot of hard work, Holly Madison will one day be able to reduce that gap to something that doesn’t make us feel a bit creeped out at all. Fingers crossed.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

Hugh Hefner has lived the male dream to the letter. Boys, at one point or another, haven’t we all wished that we could grow old trapped in a gaudy shrine to our own sleaziness surrounded by women who are effectively paid to have a fleeting superficial interest in us in a way that keeps highlighting our chronic inability to form genuine emotional bonds with people? Well, haven’t we?

Of course we have. Hugh Hefner is a lucky man.

Lucky, but sad. Although last year Hugh Hefner vowed to settle down with his girlfriend Holly Madison, it looks like that relationship has hit the skids. Apparently Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because he refused to marry her and she was insulted by his lack of commitment, not the way that she wouldn’t automatically get half of his stuff as soon as he dies in the next couple of years.

And although Hugh Hefner has made his career by playing Mr Free And Easy, it seems like he’s actually really quite glum about being dumped by an utterly indistinguishable sexbot young enough to be his granddaughter. AP reports:

“If Holly says it’s over, I guess it’s over… She’s still here in the house. Until a few days ago, we were still sharing the same bed… There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.”

That’s the spirit, Hugh! Up and at ‘em again! Holly Madison may have broken your heart, but there are 50 other girls who look exactly like her, talk exactly like her and give off that exact same creepy golddigger vibe as her, and they’re all desperate to ride your brittle, increasingly gaunt skeleton until one of you dislocates something.

So pick yourself up, Hugh Hefner, down a couple of handfuls of viagra and get right back in the saddle again. You mustn’t die of a broken heart!

At least not while you’re so close to getting Miley Cyrus to show you her boobs, anyway.

It’s just what Lindsay Lohan does. It’s part of the Lindsay Lohan holy trinity – rubbish films, substance abuse and epic, near-relentless nudity. We’ve got so used to seeing Lindsay Lohan naked over the last few years that we’ve become desensitised to it, just like we have with violence and women that we’ve somehow made cry.

And that’s why it’s so surprising to hear that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of $700,000 to get naked for Playboy. Silly Playboy – if you want to see Lindsay Lohan in the nude, you don’t just ask her to get naked for you – you ask her to get naked for you because you’ll let her wear a Marilyn Monroe wig if she does. That’s just how it works.

Tell you what, this whole Lindsay Lohan Year Of Sex thing’s gone a bit skew-whiff, hasn’t it? It started off well enough, what with Lindsay shagging all the men in Europe and allegedly being photographed doing a blowjob on a bloke, but she’s lost a lot of ground by dragging her heels on the whole lesbian thing for so long. Come on Lindsay, it’s September now – you should have moved onto gender unspecific midgets six weeks ago! How are you ever going to hit that Christmas bestiality deadline at this rate?

Honestly, it’s like Lindsay Lohan’s not even trying any more. She’s even turned down an abnormally large sum of money to go naked for a big anniversary issue of Playboy, which hardly seems right at all. Fox News reports:

Lindsay Lohan has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page topless spread in Playboy’s 55th-anniversary issue in January, the New York Page Six gossip column reports. “If there’s nudity, then the answer’s no … She’s not going down the magazine road again.”

Yeah, because it’d be absolutely unthinkable for Lindsay Lohan to get naked in print, wouldn’t it.

What Lindsay Lohan doesn’t seem to realise is that, having been naked in a magazine before, she’s got absolutely nothing to lose by getting her kit off for Playboy. If people want to know what any part of her body looks like in the buff, they only need to jump onto the internet and it’s all there. Getting naked in Playboy should be the poor girl’s comfort zone by now.

And the shoots sound pretty much identical anyway – for New York magazine, Lindsay Lohan got naked to mimic and celebrate Marilyn Monroe, one of her big heroes. And Playboy are asking her to get naked to mimic and celebrate Ann-Margret, another hero, so Lindsay’s even got the option to pretend it was artistic rather than admit it’s just for old men to rub one out over.

In fact, the only difference we can see between Lindsay Lohan’s New York magazine photoshoot and Lindsay Lohan’s proposed Playboy shoot is her fee. Playboy want to pay Lindsay $700,000 to take her clothes off, while New York magazine let her do it for free.

Actually, in that sense Lindsay’s Playboy refusal makes a certain amount of logic. If an exchange of money preceded her nakedness, then that would effectively make her a prostitute, which Lindsay Lohan most certainly is not.

Whereas by doing it for free, Lindsay was, at best, a massive bloody slag. And that’s hardly news, is it?

True, Brooke Hogan might be so freakishly hell-bent on getting famous that she’ll try anything from hopeless singing careers to toe-curling opportunistic reality TV shows to get it, but for the simple fact that she isn’t Hulk Hogan or Nick Hogan, we’re prepared to give Brooke Hogan the benefit of the doubt.

Because Brooke Hogan’s hardly planning to exploit her own family’s real-life woes by getting naked for Playboy in the blind hope that it’ll give her the attention she thinks she deserves, is it? What? That’s exactly what she is doing? Fine – disregard everything you’ve just read. We’ll start again after the jump.

We used to feel a bit sorry for Brooke Hogan, you know. There she was, the result of an experimental genetic splice gone horribly awry between a bald, middle-aged sausage-coloured T-shirt ripper and a worryingly masculine woman, Brooke was also named after 1980s DJ Bruno Brookes. You couldn’t help but feel for the poor girl.

If you stand back, tilt your head to a certain angle and squint like you’ve never squinted before, you can probably even find a way to excuse Brooke Hogan for Brooke Knows Best, the reality TV spin-off from Hogan Knows Best that appears to exist solely to rape the dying carcass that is her family life.

No, really, you can – look at it this way. Brooke Hogan’s mother and father are getting divorced, her mother has run off with Brooke’s old schoolmate and Brooke’s brother is in prison for driving like an incredible tit and wrecking the rest of his best friend’s natural life. If you were Brooke Hogan you’d be feeling a bit strapped for attention too.

And, as we all know, it’s girls who don’t get any attention that you’re probably able to get naked the fastest. Which is why, with the sort of tragic inevitability that could bring planes from the sky, Brooke Hogan is dangerously close to agreeing to strip naked for Playboy magazine. The New York Daily News reports:

Brooke Hogan has been approached to pose nude for the famous men’s magazine, her publicist told the Daily News on Wednesday. And she didn’t say no…. “No decision has been made at this time,” her rep said.

No decision has been made, if you don’t know, is Playboy code for “Jack up my fee old man!” Well, that or “Three grand extra and I’ll get my fanny out as well.” It’s all in the inflection and we’re not experts.

But Brooke! Don’t go naked for Playboy! You’re still young. One day you’ll regret being in Playboy, and it’s not something that you can ever take back. We know you’re feeling sore about your family, but this isn’t the way to get back at them. If you really want attention then you should channel everything you have into accomplishing something good with with your life, something positive that you can look back on and be proud of. Getting naked for Playboy is not the answer.

Also you kind of look like a bloke, and that’s a bit weird.

What? Miley Cyrus is only 15? Well, um, obviously we were joking about that sex object bit. The supple, milky-white backs of teenage girls are so disgusting to us that we think they should all be burnt with flaming torches. But Playboy’s Hugh Hefner has another idea. You can probably guess what it involves.

That’s right – Hefner has asked Miley Cyrus to appear naked in Playboy. But don’t worry, because Miley Cyrus won’t be getting naked for Playboy until she’s 18, the age where people immediately stop having moral objections to teenage nudity. Until then, though, it looks like you’ll just have to wait until the inevitable Miley Cyrus naked internet photos. Perverts.

Phew, this Miley Cyrus thing has really started to calm down. When those Miley Cyrus underwear photos were so quickly followed by the not especially topless Vanity Fair pictures, the storm was so huge that we didn’t think it’d ever die down. But, after what seems like an age, people are finally starting to leave Miley alone.

And not a moment too soon. After all, not only does Disney need Miley Cyrus to keep making it lots of money, but Miley is a teenage girl, and she was only doing what teenage girls do – letting one of the world’s most famous photographers take slightly risque photo of her bare back and then blaming the same photographer as soon as they’re published and people get upset.

What’s more, tomorrow sees the release of Miley Cyrus’ Got Milk advert, and the last thing a 15-year-old girl in the middle of a sex scandal needs is a photo of her top lip covered in a creamy liquid. No, the Miley Cyrus is dead, and that’s the best place for it to be.

Except that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has just decided to offer Miley Cyrus a chance to pose naked in his magazine. Whoops. The Boston Globe reports:

Hugh Hefner wants 15-year-old Miley Cyrus to pose naked in Playboy. The 82-year-old tycoon thinks the ‘Hannah Montana’ star… would be a hit with readers of the adult magazine when she turns 18. He said: “She would be welcomed in the magazine. She’s a very pretty lady.” He added to US TV show ‘Extra’: “I think to make such a big to-do over something as innocent as those photos. I think is a reflection on how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”

Schizophrenic? Well, that’s exactly what you’d expect from a pornmonger like Hugh Hefner. Not us, though – naked teenage girls make us feel sick, and if we ever saw an underage girl taking her clothes off, we’d punch her square in the face as hard as we could.

However, we should point out that Hugh Hefner doesn’t want Miley Cyrus to appear in Playboy until she’s 18. And that’s actually OK, because that way a) Miley Cyrus will have made the choice as an adult to bare her flesh within the comfort of the law and b) we’ll get to see what Miley Cyrus’ boobs look like and if we’re lucky she won’t have aged much by then and still look a bit like a little girl. It’s a deal where everyone wins.

Especially Miley Cyrus. After all, her Dad is a country singer, and once she’s posed naked for Playboy she’ll be just a drug addiction and an abusive marriage away from filling in all the items in the country singer’s daughter to-do list. Again, everyone wins.

Read more:

Miley Cyrus’ Playboy offer – Boston