Remember Heather Locklear? Everyone used to fancy her in the olden days didn’t they? She was the muse for many a 90s teen masturbation and, boy howdy, she was the archetypal neutron blonde.

Alas, image is always temporary and as her vanity stood firm in the face of sliding features, she looked like she was losing her mind.

And to back that up, she was taken to the hospital yesterday after a 911 call was placed from her home. Is it drugs? It’s usually drugs isn’t it?

Of course, doctors being doctors, nurses being nurses, the  nature of the emergency wasn’t immediately revealed… HOWEVER… thankfully we’ve got TMZ around to forage the bins and chase the ambulances for us, and it appears that they’re under the impression that Locklear may have mixed alcohol and prescription medication.

Excellent work.

Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Mike Aranda told People magazine:

“Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear’s residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention.”

Yes, that’s all well and good. The only thing we really want to know is: Will she die?

See, the deathly nature of such a story is absolutely key. We need to know whether to laugh about it all, or indeed, make a martyr of her. That’s what we do. We a guided solely by understanding the gravity of a situation. We need to know whether Heather Locklear is dead! OKAY?

That said, we are allowed some flippancy on this one. Why? Well, despite being rushed to hospital with sirens honking, Locklear’s daughter, Ava Sambora, found time to tweet the touching message of:

“Well this sucks.”

Locklear has been in-and-out of hospital and has been arrested for drink-driving, so this could be ‘a cry for help’ or something because she seems to be coming apart at the seams.

Which is obviously great for vultures like us.

When Amy Winehouse died, everyone was pretty saddened by the news. A young woman, not yet in her thirties, lost and still with a lot more to give. Shame. Of course, it was a fertile period for making lazy jokes about it on twitter, but the less said about that, the better.

Anyway, Pulp honcho Jarvis Cocker has something to say about it all.

Basically, the national treasure in the making has blamed the tabloids for Amy Winehouse’s untimely death.

Cocker says that the endless media attention that the late singer received forced her to turn to drink and drugs. How does he come to that conclusion? Well, he says he went through a similar situation during the height of his fame during the Britpop era.

Britpop was a rubbish period in pop by the way.

Cocker told The Guardian:

“Amy Winehouse passed away this year and it was all ‘Drugs killed Amy Winehouse’. I think that the press killed Amy Winehouse as much as drugs did, because it sends people into that place where they’ve got no peace, and so they just try to escape. And sometimes you use drugs and drink to do that.”

He added:

“That atmosphere of fear that tabloids cause – and I experienced that a bit, back in the bad old days – it makes you not want to go out, and it makes you act more weirdly because it makes you more self-conscious, and it makes you want to get more off your head because you block it out.”

Alas, a coroner indeed ruled that Winehouse died from excessive alcohol consumption, having consumed enough alcohol on the day of her death to render her more than four-and-a-half times over the drink drive limit.

Coming soon: Jokes.

A couple of new Amy Winehouse tracks have emerged online and on the radio (yes, people still listen to the radio unbelievably) and they are both getting a decent reception from fans.

It goes without saying that some people will be complaining about posthumous releases and others will STILL be banging on about her drink and drugs problems like that was ever a reason to not like someone’s music.

Anyway, you can listen to the tracks over the jump if you’re quick. Someone is bound to take them offline soon.

On ‘Like Smoke’, Winehouse teamed up with (Nasty) Nas on Like Smoke which was originally recorded in 2008 and debuted on BBC Radio 1Xtra.

Meanwhile, Our Day Will Come was played by DJ Chris Moyles on his breakfast show this morning.

Both are pretty decent and certainly don’t dent her back-catalogue negatively, so everyone should be pretty pleased with the results. The songs will feature on Amy’s posthumous album, Lioness: Hidden Treasures, which will be released on December 5.

£1 from every sale will go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation.

RWD Mag have new track Our Day Will Come (here) and other new track, Like Smoke, featuring the always tremendous Nas can be heard by clicking below.

Amy Winehouse ft. Nas – Like Smoke by azuredamus

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Amy Winehouse hasn’t been dead a month and already, we’re painted into a corner, forced to make light of it all. We kinda wanted to be respectful for a little longer but alas, the world works in such a way that we’re now required to mercilessly tear her death a new one.

See, despite the fact she’s barely cold, there’s plans to turn her into a television show already. Imagine that! A touching portrait of a troubled and talented young woman, broken up with commercials for WKD and toilet roll.

Of course, the family are bang into the idea of making some money on all this ‘famous cadaver’ thing.

A family source (aka, someone who once met one of the Winehouse family briefly in a pub years ago) said:

“The feeling is there wouldn’t be an actress under 30 who wouldn’t want to play her”

‘The first job is to get financial backing from co-production companies in the States. Some are showing interest because it’s a sure-fire money-spinner. They know anything Amy-related is going to be a huge success.”

And there are mutterings that Lady Gaga has already been approached to play Amy.

A mole told a tabloid some outrageous fibs:

‘Lady GaGa worshipped Amy and would love nothing more than to transform herself into her idol on the big screen.

‘She’d be spot on performing Amy’s songs and has got the right look and bolshy attitude. GaGa’s management team had been discussing possible film ventures before Amy’s untimely death. But there’s only ever been one role she wants and that’s to play Amy.’

Gaga has said that she went blonde because people used to mistake her for the late singer, so… er… that’s conclusive as anything right?

Either way, this is all a nonsense as there is only one woman who should be playing Amy Winehouse, and that’s Janice from Friends.

They could have her saying OH. MAI. GOWD. as she transcends to heaven.

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Green Day are one of those grotty bands that people love hating. They’re derivative as hell and sell out huge jumbodomes, grinding the gears of everyone who likes supposedly more adventurous bands.

Of course, this is hilarious to your average Green Day devotee. While you mew about innovation and Liking The Real Thing From ’76, they’ve been to a dozen shows, got drunk, danced around and generally had a dumb gas. Who is the loser here, really? And that makes them more irritating, right?

And even though Green Day tend to apply maximum volume to everything, over the years they’ve occasionally shown a softer side (Waa! Boo! Hiss!), which they’ve revealed again with a new tribute song for Amy Winehouse, which you can hear over the jump if you’ve got nothing better to do.

The new track, which they debuted at a small show (the Tiki Bar 1700 Placentia in Costa Mesa, California if you’re interested), is called ‘Amy’ and is quite obviously a song about the late singer.

The lyrics aren’t quite up to the standard of Winehouse’s brutal self-confessionals, but y’know, anyone expecting that from Green Day is a tool.

At one point, the song says “27 gone without a trace” and mentions the bloody ballet shoes, as well as “did you tattoo a lucky charm?” which basically means that we’re correct in assuming that ‘Amy’ is about Amy Winehouse.

You can’t really knock them for it, unless of course, you’re under the illusion that this is just hollow opportunism from a band that doesn’t really give a flying hoot.

Anyway, listen to it here, okay?

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You’d have to have a heart of coal to not care a jot about the passing of Amy Winehouse. That, or you’re indulging in an exercise in nose-pulling by saying cruel things for the sake of it, just to wind everyone up.

What kind of scumbag would do that sort of thing, eh?

Still, while we all scurry around the floor crying and braying, Blake Fielder-Civil is taking a little from column A and a little from column B as he’s more than prepared to show how inconsolably hurt he is by all this, mixed with a need to rinse Winehouse’s cadaver for a few quid. He’s approaching the world of Paul Burrell, the arena of the overwrought vulture.

So remember when Blake said that, on hearing of his ex-wife’s death:

‘I’m inconsolable… my tears won’t dry.’

Well, it has been reported that his tears may well have completely dried up and his reddened cry-eyes have been replaced with dollar signs.

Blake, currently crapping in a bucket while serving a 32-month sentence for robbery and possessing an imitation firearm, married Amy in 2007. The marriage was… eventful… and unsurprisingly, they divorced.

However, one of those cheeky insiders has come forward and said:

‘He’s prepared to betray Amy because as far as he’s concerned, he needs to get what he’s owed’

‘He took hundreds of photos of her in all sorts of states as well as secretly videoing her.

‘Blake had already got stuff written down for the book, but back then he harboured hopes of getting back together with Amy, so decided to keep it for the right time.’

Good grief. Sounds lousy, presuming that this isn’t a load of cobblers made up by scum like us.

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When any popstar dies, it isn’t unusual for record companies to rush release some previously unheard tracks, and that is exactly what is happening with the late Amy Winehouse who could see at least a dozen unheard tracks hitting the shelves.

A spokesman for her label says that Winehouse had put down the “framework” of around a “dozen” new songs.

But will they be up to scratch compared to Back To Black, the LP that Winehouse always wanted to make and, perhaps, surpassed even her own expectations? We’ve seen with posthumous Michael Jackson releases that, without the artist’s input, these releases can leave the listener wanting. Badly.

Winehouse had been recording bits and bobs for the last three years, non of which have been deemed good enough for release as yet.

The record co. spokesman says:

“Amy had expressed an interest in getting back into the studio, and after some consultation everyone thought that would be a positive thing and a distraction from the other things she was dealing with.”

“She had put down the bare bones of tracks and some were further along than others.”

“People were getting very excited, quite frankly they were really good. We heard rough cuts and they sounded like vintage Amy.”

Amy’s management are reported to believe that there’s “masses” of material lying around, which suggests that there may well be more than one album’s worth.

Speaking months ago, Winehouse said of new material:

“It’s going to be very much the same as my second album, where there’s a lot of jukebox stuff and the songs that are … just jukebox, really.”

Here’s hoping that a producer is drafted in who can do justice to Winehouse’s work. We’re looking at Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings cohorts.

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Amy Winehouse’s death was felt sincerely by many, including her ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. He’s riddled with anguish, invariably soundtracked by a chorus of boos from those who need someone to blame for Winehouse’s troubles.

However, Blake believes he could have saved Amy.

Get ready to launch your rotten tomatoes and insults because, we’re imagining you’ve already made your mind up about the whole situation haven’t you?

Blake’s dad, Larry Fielder reckons that his son knew better than anyone about the extent of Amy’s drug addiction. This is probably because he helped it along and joined in, which is hardly helpful.

However, Blake had planned to stage an intervention of sorts…  just as soon as he got out of jail, of course. And that doesn’t happen ’til March, 2012.

Too long to wait, clearly, as Winehouse was living on borrowed time.

And seeing as Blake and Amy were co-dependent junkies, it seems incredibly unlikely that Fielder-Civil would have been equipped to sort Amy out, regardless of any changes he may have made in prison.

It’s fair to assume that Amy’s irregular working life would’ve usurped any of Blake’s intention and the couple would have fallen into bad old habits.

Larry adds further that, shortly after Amy died, Blake called him crying hysterically. Does he blame himself a little? Probably. But what’s done is done and shit-slinging won’t fix the situation will it?

Well, not until a reasonable amount of time has passed when it’ll be then safe to make jokes about it all.

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More Amy Winehouse news, and this time, something rather sweet in the face of the story’s obvious misery. This afternoon, Winehouse was cremated as music execs, band mates and friends and family got together to send the singer off at a synagogue in North London.

Her funeral was refreshingly small by celebrity standards, attended by around 150 people, which included Kelly Osbourne and Mark Ronson.

It has been reported that the service was understandably emotion, but also, rather funny in places and ending in something of a singsong.

Her father, Mitch, who has been in the public eye alongside his famous daughter for some time now, constantly questioned about Amy’s wellbeing, is reported to have said:

“Goodnight my angel. Sleep tight. Mummy and Daddy love you ever so much.”

This was coupled with a celebration of her life, including a “funny” eulogy, which saw Mitch “telling stories about her childhood” which saw everyone “laughing like a celebration – like they all remembered the stories themselves.”

The hour-long memorial service celebrated the Grammy winner’s life, with the late-singer’s rep adding:

“It was emotional, it was happy and it was sad. It was everything really.”

The service closed at 1.15 p.m., played out with one of Winehouse’s favourite songs – Carole King’s ‘So Far Away’, which saw everyone joining in at her father’s behest.

“Mitch encouraged everyone to sing to it and they did.”

Hopefully now, this story is over.

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‘The 27 Club’ is one of the most depressing things in popular culture. That’s because its a construct of regrettably long-living music pundits, trying to put a glamorous slant on the needless, untimely death of a young person.

And so, Amy Winehouse has now ‘joined’ Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and Janis Joplin in the number of people who have died aged 27. Looks like a cool, druggy, too-fast-to-live list, eh?

Well, no-one ever mentions other musicians that died at 27, like Linda Jones, the soul singer who died of diabetes or Helmut Köllen who died of incredibly boring carbon monoxide poisoning. No. It’s all pointless glamour which encourages lonely, successful people to destroy themselves for the sake of beatifying rock and pop. And it seems that Winehouse fell for it like many before her.

Her friend Alex Foden, who used to lived with Amy, said:

“Unfortunately, Amy had a very obsessive personality. She did everything to extremes, especially when it came to food and drugs. She loved food. But she’d either have binges – eating loads before running up to the toilet and getting rid of it all again – or she’d go up to four or five days without eating, surviving on alcohol, drugs and sweets. Amy always told me she thought she would die young and that she knew she’d become part of the ’27 Club’.”

And just imagine how gaspingly dull the 27 Club is. Brian Jones being immensely irritating, throwing pies at Jim Morrison tugging himself off in the bath while Cobain cries in a corner. Every single one of them being a crushing drug bore.

Now, Amy Winehouse is there (well, she isn’t. She’s dead. She has ceased to be and nothing lives on apart from her records) and perhaps offering everyone a line of coke.

See, her chum claims that she’d get through £1,000 worth of cocaine in one night… mainly because she was buying it for everyone else as well.

Alex explains:

“Amy was very generous so she’d pay for all the drugs – mainly coke, heroin and cannabis. At her worst she could get through about £1,000 worth of gear in 24 hours. Her limits were incredible, but she usually knew how much she could take.”

Sounds grotty.

“She was incredibly clean and tidy at home, and could be a real matriarch, looking after everyone and cooking for all her friends and family. At the heart of it, Amy was simply a lovely, bubbly Jewish girl who wanted to be loved.”

Alas, a lovely girl who didn’t know her own limits, ravaged by a selfish mental illness. Still, at least those vultures from the music press have got something to mythologise, eh?

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When a young talented person dies, it always makes for the most arresting, gruesome spectacle. Away from the obvious sorrow of someone being taken too young, there’s a myriad of sideshows which compel like car-crashes.

What is most fascinating about the death of a young person is the reaction from those that didn’t know her at all. The response to the capsizing of a troubled mind is met with both over egged misery, needless anger, bad jokes and genuine sympathy.

And this weekend, when Amy Winehouse passed away, the gamut of emotions ran wildly, careering into each other in some kind of awkward grief Olympics.

Whether you’re a fan of pop music or not, it was clear to see that Winehouse wasn’t your average performer. In fact, she was one of the most influential popstars in a decade. While pop has flirted with the sound of ’60s pop for years, for the most part, it revealed itself in things like ‘Stop’ by The Spice Girls – fun, but ultimately tepid versions of the Motown sound.

However, when Amy Winehouse came alone, she reinterpreted it with a shot of hip hop and RnB, complete with that obvious love of jazz and blues which informed the ’60s soul sound. She wasn’t just someone a curio revivalist – it was clear she meant it… something you certainly couldn’t say about Duffy or Paloma Faith who enjoyed Winehouse’s inactivity thanks to personal problems.

Sadly, it was her personal problems that was most prevalent in our lives. Winehouse only released two LPs, leaving her often incredibly depressing antics to take precedent over the thing that made everyone sit up and take notice in the first place.

And it’s because of these personal issues, people seemed to take great glee at such an untimely death.

In amongst the usual stunned replies, there was a chorus of angry jeers which suggested that she almost deserved to die, mainly because she was in the awful grip of some terrible, terrible illness.

One common sentiment is that, should this have been the death of ‘just some smack head down the road’, no-one would care. While you could probably argue that if you wanted to, it simply isn’t true. The difference between ‘some junkie’ and Amy Winehouse, is that with the former, there’s a chance we’d simply never get to hear of it. The fact is though, that anyone who celebrates the death of a twentysomething, who died alone after battling a savage addiction, really ought to restock and question what it is they’re thrilled at losing.

That’s not to say we can’t joke. Events like this make people cope in different ways or, indeed, simply troll everyone else for a cheap laugh. We should know. We trade blows in the latter on a daily basis… and gallows humour won’t ever go away and nor should it.

That said, Winehouse’s passing is different. From each scab, brawl and drunken cock-up, we could all hoot because somewhere, there was this feeling that she was either being made to look more tragic by a press in need of column inches, or that she was actually going to turn this pain into more music and rid herself of this terrible demon.

However, as bystanders, we couldn’t connect with the illness. It was simply another macabre facet to a cartoon vision of what transpired to be an incredibly vulnerable young girl in too much pain to want to continue living.

And what is so sad is that Winehouse didn’t get to enjoy one of the things she helped to reignite. Pop music was in a sorry state of affairs for a while, and then, along came Amy with overtly commercial music that was actually okay for sneering musos to enjoy. She helped to kickstart the trend for great girlpop/girlgroups and the re-evaluation of pop in its purest form. Like many who lead the charge, she was always going to burn too bright to stick around for too long.

While it’s obvious that there are things going on in the world that are more momentous and strickeningly depressing, that’s not to say we can’t feel cut up about this particular tale. There’s a clawing sense of inevitability about the whole thing which never gets easier to handle.

Musicians who deal in pain often make the best music. However, we bury it under the choruses because we don’t want to think about the fact that one of the things that made them so special in the first instance may actually overwhelm them and take them away from us.

The sorrow and hurt in tracks like ‘Love Is A Losing Game’ and the confessional of ‘You Know I’m No Good’ wasn’t an act. That’s what made them connect. Like all great pop music, the implied strife and drama is what resonates in the listener… and when the bad news finally comes, there’s a strange sense of not having done anything to stop it. Elsewhere, voices hoot ‘Ha! She’s dead! Hahaha!’, not willing to recognise that they were probably weeping into their Corn Flakes when Elliot Smith or Kurt Cobain died.

So what have we lost? We’ve lost a woman who was a figure of fun to many or, indeed, a source of irritation for seemingly continuing to throw away the help that many offered. This is a common story. Addicts and their troubling behaviour are the mask of that dreadful sense of worthlessness that can blot out the sun and take away that last feeling of being of even vague value to a world that laughs every time you fall.

But really, the thing we’ve all lost is one of the most invigorating songwriters of a generation. She was trashy, dangerous and upsetting, but this was all coupled with an astonishing voice that was born of the things that ended up eating her whole, prompting onlookers to engage in a contest of grief and mockery of hurt.

And in those two things, we find the thing that really killed Amy Winehouse and it really is a terrible, terrible shame.

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A man! A man has tried to kill himself! His life has become so unbearably bleak that he stared into the pit of misery and felt compelled to end it, seeing his precious, fragile life as so worthless that it was no longer required to continue, aiming to snuff it out like a flickering flame.

Of course, because the man in question is actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers, we must see this as a titillating and ultimately amusing thing. No sympathy here. No-one wants us to be sympathetic.

And so, hilariously, Rhys Meyers was rushed to hospital by ambulance after his suicide attempt, which we’ll now pass off as a dreadful example of attention seeking. After seeing him act, we can’t possibly believe that he meant it. Have you seen Velvet Goldmine? Exactly.

Meyers, who you may recognise from his stint as boorish Henry VIII in the arousal-killing series The Tudors, is understood to have gobbled handfuls of pills at his very nice £3million home in west London. We have to mention the price of his house so you can either surmise that he was either rattling around the manifestation of his success like a lonely nutjob or, indeed, sneer because someone with that much money can’t possibly have problems big enough to warrant a suicide attempt.

But Johnno does have problems y’know? He’s long battled a drink problem, presumably brought about by the fact that he knows full well what a terrible, terrible actor he is. We can sympathise. We also fell into a job which we’re not very good at and, as such, are constantly staring self-inflicted death in the face as we wait for readers to call bullshit on our careers, which of course, will tip us over the edge or, at best, see us feigning suicide in an attempt to stave off criticisms with a sympathy vote.

Alas, what we don’t have is lots of money like Rhys Meyers, who just so happened to check into a five-star rehabilitation centre in South Africa not too long ago. It was his fifth stint in a rehab, which is clearly not working for him.

Just like his acting ability.

Scotland Yard today confirmed:

‘Officers were called by London Ambulance Service to a residential address following reports of man refusing treatment. ‘

One of the officers probably considered leaving him to die after remembering the woeful Bend It Like Beckham which JRM starred in before reluctantly remembering his duties.

So there you have it. Suicide. It’s funny isn’t it?

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Samy Naceri? Who in shit’s name is he? Well, he’s an actor who was in Taxi and Days of Glory? Okay? Just that justify him being on these pages? It shouldn’t matter really as he’s got arrested for flashing, which is hilarious.

That’s right, while dealing with autograph hunters, Samy decided to bare his arse while in Cannes, France. He was taken into custody on suspicion of “displaying an intimate part of his anatomy” in public.

Great! And this mad coot has previous! And it is way worse than dropping your trousers in public!

Before he decided to strum his naked self, Naceri was convicted of a knife attack in France. A mad stabby, mooning champ! HUZZAH!

Wait! There’s more!

He was also charged for substance abuse and sentenced to eight months’ imprisonment! And, get this, he was also penalized with a €5,000 fine for a road rage incident in which he smashed-up a car and assaulted one of its occupants.

WAIT! WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

In a swank Paris restaurant, Naceri was waiting for a chum. They were late. So, Samy did what anyone would do and attacked someone with an ashtray!

He then racially abused police officers.

He was also accused of attempted murder after stabbing a security guard. Oh, he also assaulted two guards at a medical centre where they were trying to get him through an overdose.

Charlie Sheen. The ball is in your court.

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While Charlie Sheen may prepare for his overdoses, his former girlfriend Kacey Jordan, is a very different kettle of fish. A rather distressing kettle of fish actually as she’s been hospitalised after an alleged suicide attempt.

Gah.

Law enforcement folks have confirmed that members of the Chicago Police Department were needed to responded to calls from Jordan after she posted several messages on Twitter which suggested she was self harming and overdosing.

Kacey tweeted that she’d “snorted a fat line” before admitting that she could well be in physical danger.

She wrote:

“i’ve over done it… the more i do…i keep passing out… i just pray i wake up each time.”

Authorities reportedly entered the room Jordan was staying in and found the adult actress with cuts on her arms, surrounded by broken glass and prescription pill bottles.

She was then transported to a nearby hospital for observation and filed the incident as a non-criminal suicide attempt.

Later, she went on to thank her twitter followers for alerting the hotel staff to her condition:

“for over a hundred people calling my hotel…thanks. i made a deal with the hotel. i’m not doing an intervention with the staff.”

It seems we have a casualty in Sheen’s bug-eyed life, all the more depressing if rumours that Jordan is pregnant, as announced in a text message to Sheen.

Sorry. No jokes here.

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Cultural spambot Charlie Sheen is looking increasingly like a walking corpse, with his gaunt face and hollowed out eye sockets. He’d be great in the role of the demon who subliminally appears in the Exorcist wouldn’t he?

Anyway, while everyone waits for his untimely death, Sheeno is defying the reaper time and time again.

And it isn’t by #winning or #tigerblood. Rather, he gets a little help from his friends who preempt his overdoses with bags filled with nitroglycerin tablets.

According to people who aren’t us, namely, ‘sources’, the Hot Shots! actor has apparently had four different overdoses since October.

These sources say that he’s only alive thanks to having quick thinking buddies and the small matter that he actually plans for his ODing sessions so we don’t end up with a Michael Jackson emergency.

The now incredibly irritating self-styled warlock is so unhinged and shit-scared of his own demise that he’s stocked up on nitroglycerin pills on the off-chance he has a massive, fatal heart-attack.

WINNING!

Basically, that means that, when he feels like his heart rate is dropping, he pops some nitroglycerin like Tic Tacs. Thanks to his penchant for suitcases of cocaine, he now leads a life that is akin to someone constantly drinking cocktails of blended Mars Bars and Bonjela.

However, on four occasions, its reported that Charlie couldn’t get the pills under his tongue in good time, leaving him on the floor for his friends to find.

He was found

” on the floor, sweating bullets… going in and out of consciousness.”

The insider continues:

“Charlie’s very good at beating the system. The question is how long he’ll be able to play his deadly game.”

Oh, just hurry up and die wouldya?

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