The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Though, to be fair, it’s not so astonishing when you factor in that he’s a massive druggy, she’s a massive druggy (or at least was) and the combination of druggy plus druggy usually equals nearly dying.

Romanticise the notion, use fruity language of love, be so utterly frank about how scared you were and net a few grand from The Sun (as well as your ex-wife) in the process if you so choose. Thing is, you’re still just a couple of junkies ODing in a grotty room.

He described the situation thusly to the paper:

“She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I was panicking. I didn’t know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well – and was sobbing and crying out: ‘Amy!’”

Blake Fielder-Civil – the caring man’s smackfiend – went on:

“I knelt over her as she kept fitting. But then suddenly she just passed out and stopped breathing.”

Fortunately (depending on how you feel about Winehouse), Blake was just about capable to put Amy in the recovery position, make sure she didn’t swallow her tongue and some other stuff that stopped her from dying – all while high. What a hero to us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new superhero: Smackman.

Not content with being a caring addict-cum-Smackman, Blaaaaaaaake went on to try and turn Amy off the horse following the incident:

“She had everything going for her. But she ended up behaving badly just to shock. After a while that just becomes a bore. I’d warned her to stop.”

Yep, that’s exactly how we’d describe heroin: boring. His speech was such a rousing success that she had to run off to the Caribbean for a year to get clean. Well done all!

Though maybe Amy Winehouse could have warned him to stop wearing such shit hats to return the favour.

And you can’t put a price on emotional trauma like that – not knowing whether your own children are going to live or di… what’s that? You can put a price on emotional trauma like that? And that price is $750,000? Sweet!

Dennis Quaid’s family has reached a settlement of $750,000 against the hospital where his children almost died. And they were just tiny children – imagine how much we’d get if we almost died in a nightmarish medication mix up! To the hospital! It’s label-swapping time!

Dennis Quaid isn’t the box office draw he once was. Time was he could get any film made, no matter how obviously ridiculous it sounded – a movie about a tiny man flying a rocket through Martin Short’s arse, a confusingly-accented detective movie, a version of Jaws that’s in 3D where the shark’s jaw gets exploded off at the end – but those were the good old days.

You know what Dennis Quaid has been reduced to starring in now? Vantage Point. And that wasn’t even a film – that was just 10 minutes of Forest Whitaker looking confused repeated for what seemed like an eternity. The poor man has to really graft to make a wage now, so he must be thrilled to high heaven about the cheque for $750,000 because his newborn babies almost died agonising deaths because of a staff blunder, right? Right? Anyone? No?

You may remember that last year Dennis Quaid’s baby twins were lucky to escape with their lives after inadvertantly being injected with 1,000 times the recommended dose of an anti-coagulant. And the incident changed Dennis Quaid for the better – though grateful that his children eventually made a full recovery, he also realised that the overdose was completely preventable and took it up with the drug company responsible.

And the hospital responsible too, apparently, because its just given him $750,000 as a settlement. People reports:

Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly have reached a settlement of $750,000 against Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for the accidental overdose of their newborn twins in 2007. “The settlement is the result of extensive negotiations between the parties and their respective legal representatives, and is intended to avoid the time, expense and uncertainty of litigation,” say papers filed in L.A. Superior Court on Monday.

Dennis Quaid hasn’t yet said what he’s going to do with the settlement yet – there’s a chance he could use it to found an organisation to lobby for clearer labelling on medication boxes, or maybe he’ll put it into a trust fund that’ll give his children the lifestyle that Smart People can’t. Or maybe he’ll just spend it on publicly slagging off Meg Ryan as viciously as he can some more. Honestly, we’d be fine with any of them.

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And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.

But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).

Winona Ryder might have had her years in the wilderness. OK, her decade. Winona Ryder might have had her entire decade in the wilderness, but now she’s coming back with full force. As Spock’s mother in the upcoming Star Trek movie, Winona Ryder has been given a second chance at the big league, and she’s going to grab it with both hands.

So there’ll be none of the old Winona Ryder craziness any more, OK? No high-profile shoplifting stories, no disgusting stories about having sex with angry hobbits, no drawing attention to yourself by suddenly falling ill on an aeroplane and being rushed to hospital amid rumours of an accidental tranquiliser overdos… wait. Oh Winona, you didn’t.

She did. Or she might have done. Here’s what we know – on a flight from London yesterday, Winona Ryder suddenly got ill and was taken to hospital as a precautionary measure, where she was checked out and quickly discharged. However, The Sun has a slightly different take on the matter:

Winona, 37, had her stomach pumped at a West London hospital. It is believed she mistakenly took too many Xanax pills — used to treat anxiety. One passenger said: “She turned a deathly shade of pale. It was scary.” The Boeing 747’s captain requested a ‘priority landing’ and touched down 22 minutes early at 11.13am.

If it’s true, then that’s fair enough – flying is terrifying. Everyone has their own way to relax on a flight – some do exercises, some listen to jazz. Winona Ryder just seems to enjoy getting shitfaced on tranquilisers, collapsing and getting rushed to hospital to have her stomach pumped. And that’s perfectly fine. Rather that than sit through the in-flight movie, anyway. Especially if it happens to be any Winona Ryder movie made since 1999. Bleurgh.

But look at The Sun’s paragraph again. Because Winona Ryder suddenly got ill on her flight, the pilot managed to get to Heathrow 22 minutes quicker than usual. That’s incredible. Forget neck pillows and support stockings, it seems like all you need to make your long-haul flights slightly less unbearable is a skinny barely-famous idiot with delusions of grandeur who seems to be constantly on the brink of pharmaceutically-assisted death.

That’s it. Winehouse, you’re coming on holiday with us next year. If our theory hold up we’ll reach America in about 25 minutes.

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Remember in July, when Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital, with Mitch Winehouse telling everyone that she’d just had a bad reaction to medicine? Apparently that’s not the case at all. Apparently Amy Winehouse overdosed on drugs again, started convulsing and might have suffered permanent brain damage.

Although the brain damage hasn’t been fully diagnosed yet, there are a number of signs to look out for including a glazed expression, spontaneous muscle spasms, chronic slurring and bewildering hairstyle choices. Holy crap, do you know what this means? Bruce Forsyth has damaged his brain on drugs!

He hasn’t. He really hasn’t. At all. Sorry.

Mitch Winehouse has become a household name lately, and that’s because whenever Amy Winehouse coughs, Mitch Winehouse rushes off to the press to tell the world that drugs have given her emphysema or scabies or hantavirus or CJD or an allergy to peanuts, even though they probably haven’t.

But it seems like that might not have been the case in July, when Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital with what was claimed to be a bad reaction to medicine. According to one of Amy Winehouse’s friends, she went to hospital because she had another one of her drug overdoses – this time on cannabis instead of heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy, ketamine and booze – and it actually broke her flipping mind. A friend of Amy’s told The Sun:

“The future is bleak, bleak, bleak… She had smoked an inhuman amount of hash which resulted in acute cannabis poisoning. You have to take a shitload of pot to suffer that severe a reaction. Amy’s fits were as bad as the convulsions she had during her overdose in August last year. She is in need of years of psychiatry and medical treatment if she has a hope.”

Like we said, shocking stuff. And definitely true, too – one of Amy Winehouse’s friends told it to The Sun. And if you can’t trust the word of someone who leeches off a millionaire singer and then goes blabbing to a red-top tabloid newspaper, then who can you trust?

Is this rock bottom for Amy Winehouse? Don’t be daft – she hasn’t got where she is today by listening to stupid things like well-established medical advice, has she? Admittedly where she is today is dangerously ill-looking, appearing to be constantly on the verge of a fatal drug overdose and staring down the barrel of a lifetime of brain damage, but who are we to point that out?

And it does seem to us like Amy Winehouse might have a little bit of brain damage already – she appears to have stopped pining for her jailed husband in public recently, and that’s a bit mental.

Because he’s just so sexy, isn’t he?

Girls?

Anyone?

When it comes to the world of celebrities, however, this distinction is harder to make. Thank golly gosh for the Olsens then, who we’ve been able to watch all their lives as they became adults! With problems!

The latest occurrence in Mary-Kate Olsen’s quest for womanhood has come as she seeks immunity from prosecution in the investigation into Heath Ledger’s death earlier this year. Oh how she’s grown!

Investigators looking at the cause of Ledger’s death want to ask Mary-Kate some questions about a couple of powerful painkillers the Dark Knight star had taken before his death. However, the once cherub-faced little angel has now turned into a character akin to a mob boss, it would appear, as her lawyer has told the feds she won’t cooperate without immunity.

Aww, isn’t that sweet?

We’ve seen Mary-Kate on her journey through being a twin-child star, through growing up very much in the public eye and then taking on the necessary change from child to adult actress that brings down so many young actors.

Then we got to see her vilified by PETA, move away from solely working with her sister, having kidney problems and dealing with anorexia.

But this time she’s really gone and grown up – requesting legal immunity from federal investigators. It’s a big step in the life of any young woman and one that is sure to cement her position as a proper, bona-fide grown-up.

In a statement released to the media, Mary-Kate Olsen’s lawyer said:

“Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them.”

Which is all well and good, we’re not going to argue with that, nor are we going to accuse anyone of anything. But it does seem a bit strange when someone refuses to speak to investigators unless they are guaranteed immunity from prosecution. The statement goes on:

“Regarding the Government’s investigation, at Ms. Olsen’s request, we have provided the Government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.

We don’t know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the Government’s inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate.”

On the other hand though, while it may look like the Olsen that isn’t Ashley has something to hide, she may well be asking for these stipulations just to be on the safe side. It’s understandable, really, if she was involved with Heath Ledger just before his death – either as ‘just friends’ or more – that she’d want to play things with more caution.

Regardless, hecklerspray will be keeping a close eye. And we don’t grant immunity.

Honestly, it’s true. Almost exactly a year ago to the day, country singer Mindy McCready was arrested for apparently beating her mother up, and now she’s been admitted to rehab following a nervous breakdown and possible overdose.

McCready’s breakdown comes after the revelation that she’s had a 15-year affair with US sports star Roger Clemens. So what can we expect from Mindy McCready in July 2009? It’s a tricky one to predict – mother-punching and nervous breakdowns are notoriously hard to top. We don’t think she’s abused any animals so far – maybe that’s an avenue.

We might be wrong here, but we’re starting to get the impression that Mindy McCready is the next step in human evolution. She’s like a walking, talking pocket-sized version of hecklerspray. Seriously, think of any story we’ve ever covered and Mindy McCready’s already been there.

Christian Bale allegedly slapping his mother about? Mindy McCready was there a year ago. Madonna allegedly having an affair with a famous sportsman? Mindy McCready’s apparently been doing that for 15 years. Jamie Lynn Spears’ youthful sexuality? Believe what you read and you’ll see that Mindy McCready has done that too, and with the sports star we were just talking about.

Going to rehab like every other celebrity that’s ever lived? Turns out that Mindy McCready is already on the case as well.

But maybe we should spool back a little. If you’re not a country fan – and we’re guessing you’re not because you can read – then maybe you only know Mindy McCready as the drug-abusing motherslapper country singer. When, in actuality, there’s so much more to her than that – she’s a drug-abusing motherslapper country singer who admits to an affair with baseball player Roger Clemens that started when she was 15.

Never the most stable of individuals – she’s got a suicide attempt, a jail sentence and an engagement to Superman under her belt already – the discovery of her secret affair with Clemens sent Mindy McCready over the edge. And that’s why she’s in rehab. People reports:

After a trip to the emergency room in Tennessee, country singer Mindy McCready entered rehab for undisclosed reasons, her rep tells PEOPLE. “Mindy McCready did receive emergency care at Vanderbilt University Medical Center,” says her rep. “Other issues made it prudent for her to seek longer-term and broader-based treatment.”

It’s not been made clear what Mindy McCready is actually in rehab for – if it’s to fix all of her problems then we might not see her again for a decade or two.

So let’s hope that Mindy seeks treatment for the problem that’s caused the most pain in her life first. It’ll be a painful journey, and sometimes she’ll regret even embarking on it, but if she knuckles down and absolutely dedicates herself to it, perhaps one day Mindy McCready will have beaten her addiction to being a country singer.

OK, that wasn't a question that was on anyone's lips, since the sole sum of public knowledge about Daniel Smith is that he sometimes looked quite embarrassed when Anna Nicole Smith dragged him in front of the cameras on her reality TV show.

However, the inquest into Daniel Smith's death has revealed that an accidental drug overdose killed him. Truly Daniel Smith was the Heath Ledger of September 2006, albeit a Heath Ledger who wasn't in any films and had a bit of a slutty mum.

Daniel Smith always seemed like a bit of an afterthought in the Anna Nicole Smith story. Perhaps that's because every time that anyone thought of a perpetually-cringing teenage son hovering around, Anna Nicole instantly lapsed from being 'sexy and eccentric' to 'slaggy and dangerously irresponsible'. 

Even Daniel Smith's death was overshadowed by the near-simultaneous birth of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. True, baby Dannielynn was named after Daniel, but when your entire legacy consists of a oddly-spelt infant's name it can't be all that great. No wonder Daniel Smith killed himself.  

Except that Daniel Smith didn't kill himself. Well, he did, but not on purpose. That's what the jury at an inquest into the death of Daniel Smith discovered anyway. 13 months after Anna Nicole Smith died, 19 months after he himself died and 18 months after it was announced that he died of a drug overdose, the inquest in the Bahamas has ruled Daniel Smith's death as an accidental overdose. Reuters reports:

Tabloid star Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel died of a drug overdose, an inquest jury in the Bahamas ruled on Monday. The seven-member jury took 73 minutes to reach its unanimous verdict after coroner William Campbell had directed them to return one of three options. He said they could decide 20-year-old Daniel Smith died of "non-dependent abuse of drugs," or by "accident or misadventure," or they could return an open verdict.

73 minutes doesn't seem like a very long time to pass judgement a young man's untimely death, especially a boy who used to get caught stealing his mother's methadone, but at least it's over. Daniel Smith is now with Anna Nicole Smith in scary clownface heaven where Anna Nicole can feed Daniel as much Ecstasy as she likes without worrying that he'll die from it, what with him already being dead and all.

And with Daniel Smith's death all wrapped up, that means that this will absolutely be the last piece of news about Anna Nicole Smith that you will ever hear. For at least three days.

Read more:

Anna Nicole's son died of drug overdose, jury says – Reuters 

The New York City medical examiner has declared that Heath Ledger died from “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,” in a report that's just been released.

As sad as this news is, we should focus on the positives – not only can Heath Ledger's family continue with their lives knowing that at least it wasn't suicide, but Heath Ledger looks set for pub quiz immortality by being the answer to the question "Which celebrity cause of death would get you the highest score in a game of Scrabble?"

Right, that's it. We're never taking any medicine again. Seriously, it's killing people like flies. First Pimp C died because of all the cough mixture he drank and now Heath Ledger has joined the 'accidental overdose' club along with Anna Nicole Smith.

Two weeks after he died, the official medical examiner's report into the cause of Heath Ledger's death has finally been released MSNBC reports:

The cause of death was “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,” spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said in a statement. Oxycodone is a painkiller marketed as OxyContin and used in other painkillers such as Percodan and Percocet; hydrocodone is used in a number of painkillers, including Vicodin. Diazepam and alprazolam are the generic names for the anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Xanax, and the other two drugs are sleep aids commonly sold under the brands Restoril and Unisom. Borakove wouldn’t say what concentrations of each drug were found in Ledger’s blood, or whether one drug played a greater part than another in causing his death. “What you’re looking at here is the cumulative effects of these medications together,” she said.

Although the report isn't going to bring Heath Ledger back, it will go some way to hushing the storm of speculation surrounding his untimely death. Although the accidental overdose scenario seemed likely from the outset, there were also conflicting reports suggesting that Heath Ledger died a natural death or that Heath Ledger was so miserable that suicide looked like a genuine option. Throw in a banned video of Heath Ledger at a drugs party and everything got so confused that only an official report could clear things up.

The report into Heath Ledger's cause of death comes as Heath's family prepare for his funeral, so at least all the mysteries and rumours about his death can be laid to rest at the same time that he is. Plus, unlike Pimp C, at least Heath Ledger died before he could perform a gangsta rap all about his love for the thing that killed him called Sipping On Some Alprazizzlam. So at least there's some dignity, however small.

As for us, we're serious about that 'no medicine' thing. In fact, all these celebrity medication deaths have got us quietly freaking out in case the BCG vaccination we had at school over a decade ago suddenly decides to turn evil and finish us off.

Read more:

Heath Ledger died of accidental overdose – MSNBC 

The autopsy on Heath Ledger's body will take place today, meaning that it shouldn't be long before we know which of the conflicting stories about Heath Ledger's death – was it suicide? An accidental overdose? Pneumonia? – is most accurate.

Meanwhile, tributes have been pouring in from Heath's admirers, friends and family.

Following yesterday's shock news of Heath Ledger's death, fragments of the event are slowly coming together, although they by no means make a complete whole yet. So far we know that Heath Ledger was found naked, face-down and dead in his rented New York apartment by a housekeeper reminding him of an appointment with a masseuse. Various pills were found around the scene.

And, as seems to be the norm when an event as blindsiding as this occurs, several conflicting theories into Heath Ledger's death have been thrown up. Firstly, Heath Ledger's parents are claiming that if drugs were involved it was accidental:

"We, Heath's family, confirm the very tragic, untimely and accidental passing of our dearly loved son, brother and doting father of Matilda."

However, friends of Heath have darkly added that the death wasn't as unexpected as everyone is making out:

"This is terrible and I'm in shock. But to tell you the truth… we saw it coming. Heath has gone though a rough road of trying to get sober. Things were very dark. His one joy was Matilda. Everything else was misery for him. Unfortunately he was too late in getting help."

But that's not all, because TMZ reports that Heath Ledger was suffering from pneumonia when he died. And today the first steps of discovering the cause of Heath Ledger's death will be taken as an autopsy is carried out on his body. CNN reports:

An autopsy was scheduled for Wednesday as family and colleagues mourned the death of Academy Award-nominated actor Heath Ledger. "Pills were found in the vicinity of the bed," [police spokesman Paul Browne] told CNN. "This is being looked at as a possible overdose, but that is not confirmed yet." Browne later told reporters some prescription medications were found in the room, including sleeping pills. He said the pills were not "scattered about." No note was found and there was no indication of foul play, Browne
said. Ledger was found at about 3 p.m., and was pronounced dead at the
scene by emergency personnel about 3:30 p.m.

Meanwhile, tributes have been coming in from Heath Ledger's fellow actors including Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman and John Travolta. Lindsay Lohan, who was reportedly having a casual affair with Ledger, was pictured looking 'extremely upset' just after news of his death broke. Warner Bros, the studio behind Heath Ledger's next film The Dark Knight, has expressed its sorrow but made no statement on how his passing will affect the release of the movie.

More news as we get it.

Read more:

Autopsy planned as actor Heath Ledger is mourned - CNN 

EXCLUSIVE: Heath Ledger's Friend: "We Saw It Coming" – UsWeekly 

The unconcious body of the 28-year-old Aussie actor was discovered by his housekeeper on Tuesday afternoon.

Details are sketchy at the moment, but it is being reported that Ledger, who earned an Oscar nomination for his role as a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain in 2005, was found with pills strewn all about him.

Police say he had been due to have a massage at the flat, but when his housekeeper went to tell him the masseuse had arrived she discovered him alive but unresponsive.
Paramedics were called, but by the time they arrived it was too late. Police do not suspect foul play. 

Heath's family uniformly issued this statement from Perth, Australia:

"We, Heath's family, can confirm the very tragic, untimely and accidental passing of our dearly loved son, brother and doting father of Matilda. He was found peacefully asleep in his New York apartment by his housekeeper at 3:30 p.m. U.S. time."

Police also do not suspect suicide at this time as no note was left. His uncle, Neil Bell, said as to Ledger's general attitude:

“He was in good spirits and having a wonderful time on this Terry Gilliam movie [The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus].” 

Meanwhile, police spokesman Paul Browne said:

"We are investigating the possibility of an overdose."

Ledger last year split with his long-term girlfriend Michelle Williams, with whom he has a two-year-old daughter, Matilda.

Read More:

New Yorkers 'Anguished' Over Death Of Heath Ledger – Fox News  

After all, this is Ike Turner – inventor of rock and roll and wife-beater extraordinaire – we're talking about. Surely Ike Turner's death had to be as spectacular as his life. 

Well it was, provided that 'Massive Cocaine Overdose' is spectacular enough for you. And, unless you were hoping that Ike Turner's death was caused by a giant robot from outer space exploding him with its death rays, hopefully this will do.

When Ike Turner died last month, it was generally thought that his passing would mark a new period of reflection for the man primarily known for being that nasty punchy bloke from What's Love Got To Do With It. After all, in his lifetime Ike Turner had shaped popular music as much as anyone you'd care to think of.

That's not exactly what happened – most obituaries were along the lines of "Nutbush City Limits was alright by, Jesus, Ike Turner was a bastard," while Ike Turner's ex-wife Tina Turner didn't give any form of public statement about Ike's death whatsoever and the only man to vocally sing Ike Turner's praises was Phil Spector, a man not exactly known for his progressive attitudes towards women.

But still, at least Ike Turner died doing the thing he loved best. No, not angrily punching a woman in the face and screaming "eat the cake!" over and over again, we mean Ike Turner died ingesting a large quantity of cocaine. CNN reports on the coroner's enquiry into Ike Turner's death:

"The cause of death for Ike Turner is cocaine toxicity with other significant conditions," Supervising Medical Examiner Investigator Paul Parker told CNN. Contributing conditions included high blood pressure and emphysema, he said. "The manner of death is an accident," he added.

So that's Ike Turner's death dealt with in full, revealing yet another bulletpoint for the footnote of his obituary. Ike Turner – inventor of rock and roll, wife-beater extraordinaire and one of the few men around dumb enough to take loads of cocaine even though he suffered from emphysema.

We're just kidding, ghost of Ike Turner. Please don't come and haunt us, you were terrifying enough alive. And don't try to make us eat any more of that ghost cake, either. That stuff is fattening.

Read more:

Medical examiner says Ike Turner died of cocaine overdose – CNN  

But although his new son and daughter survived the giant Heparin overdose – and are thought to be recovering well – Dennis Quaid is still thirsty for revenge. That's why Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly Buffington are suing Baxter Healthcare Corp, which manufactures Heparin, for £50,000 in a product liability lawsuit. It shows just how angry Dennis Quaid must be to pursue Baxter through legal paths, because in the past he's resolved any outstanding medical difficulties by shrinking himself down to a sub-atomic level and injecting himself up Martin Short's arse.

There are basically two things that parents never want to hear. One is "This is my new boyfriend. His name is Joshua but everyone calls him Devil Puke," and the other is "Sorry, we appear to have accidentally given your newborn baby twins 1,000 times more of this anti-coagulant drug than we were supposed to. Whoops."

And although Dennis Quaid still has the first one to look forward to, he knows the stomach-dropping fear of the second only too well. Last month the lives of Dennis Quaid's baby twins were put in jeopardy when hospital workers at the Los Angeles Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre inadvertently injected them with 10,000 units of blood-thinning drug Heparin instead of the usual 10.

Fortunately Dennis Quaid's twins have recovered well from the almighty, near-fatal cock-up, but that doesn't mean that Dennis Quaid is going to forgive and forget. No, Dennis Quaid wants revenge, just like in that film of his, Jaws 3-D. But, you know, he wants it by suing a pharmaceutical company instead of exploding a big shark's mum with a hand grenade. For once.

So, long story short, Dennis Quaid has taken out a lawsuit against Baxter Healthcare Corp because he claims that different volumes of Heparin should be labelled more visibly, and the fact that they aren't is grounds for a product liability suit on the basis that he wants no other children to go through the same thing.

However, Baxter is claiming that the babies were only overdosed in the first place because hospital workers can't read numbers very well. Baxter spokeswoman Deborah Spak says:

"This is not a product issue. The issue here is about improper use of a product. While we strive to clearly differentiate our products and dosages, no amount of differentiation will replace the value of clinicians carefully reviewing and reading a drug name and dose before dispensing and administering it."

While it's not our place to speculate on legal matters that we clearly know nothing about – for once – the main thing is that Dennis Quaid's twins are OK. And the other main thing is that all of their future medical ailments will be cured by injecting a miniature Dennis Quaid into their arses and letting him fly around their guts getting slightly drunk, singing Sam Cooke songs and occasionally battling miniature evil nonspecific Europeans in a fight to the death above some stomach acid.

Read more:

Dennis Quaid And Wife Sue Drug Maker – Associated Press 

But, in truth, even when you've fictionally been injected into Martin Short's buttocks you still have to cope with immense tragedies like the rest of us. That's something Dennis Quaid had to come to terms with pretty quickly this week when his newborn twins were accidentally injected with 1,000 times more of the anti-coagulant drug Heparin than usual. However, the good news seems to be that Quaid's twins are recovering well and showing "no adverse reactions." Hopefully this news will put an end to what must have surely been one of the most traumatic times Dennis Quaid's life.

True, the second-most traumatic time was when Dennis Quaid read the The Day After Tomorrow script and realised he'd be paid to out-run some ice, but that shouldn't diminish the relief he should be feeling now.

Because it's not an obvious source for sarcastic wisecracks, we've been choosing not to bring you news of Dennis Quaid's newborn baby twins getting accidentally injected with 10,000 units of an anti-coagulant drug instead of the recommended 10 in a Los Angeles hospital. It's not an ordeal we'd wish on anybody, even Britney Spears. And that's saying something.

But – to recap – on Sunday Dennis Quaid's newborn baby twins, a boy and a girl born through a surrogate, were inadvertently given a dosage of anti-clotting drug Heparin that was 1,000 times larger than normal. The potentially disastrous overdose has been blamed on a technician at the Los Angeles Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre placing the drug on a wrong shelf, which a nurse grabbed without apparently checking properly and administered.

However, after what must have been an indescribably tense few days for Dennis Quaid and his wife Kimberly Buffington, the hospital's chief medical officer  Dr. Michael L. Langberg has announced that the twins are recovering well. Without naming the twins explicitly, Langberg said that while three patients were overdosed in all, one started clotting again naturally and the remaining two were treated with Heparin-reversing protamine sulfate, and everything is getting back to normal:

"Additional medical tests and clinical evaluation conducted on the two patients indicated no adverse effects from the higher concentration of Heparin or from the temporary abnormal clotting function. Doctors continue to monitor the patients."

Although there are bound to be repercussions from the internal investigation that's currently underway to discover why this terrible accident occurred in the first place, at least Dennis Quaid and Kimberly Buffington can be sure that the worst is now over and that their babies are no longer at any real risk of serious consequence.

And with that weight off his mind, Dennis Quaid can now focus himself onto other things, like why he hasn't made a decent film for 20 years.