When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.

Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.

There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there’s always Plan B – giving The Spice Girls some work again.

Last year, the majority of people were suitably impressed when Beijing opened the Olympics. They had fireworks, people doing all sorts of dances and had funky signs with writing that looked the same as to the ones you see on takeaway menus. According to trusty Wikipedia, the host nation is meant to present artistic displays of music, singing, dance, and theatre representative of its culture. Or, strictly speaking, you’re meant to outdo the previous city and make them look crap.

So when we think of London, what comes to mind? Jellied eels, EastEnders, rats, the London Underground and the fact that a can of Coke costing 40p in Blackburn would be 90p in our dear capital. But where does that leave us? No-one is suggesting that we round a group of people, dress them as tube stations and do some wacky dance. That would be silly. And like the London Underground, it’d end up being too hot, delayed and then aborted completely when a breakaway faction of the Jubilee line inevitably decides to go on strike midway through.

But what about the legacy of British music? After all there have been some legendary bands that this country has produced. Sadly though a lot of them can’t make the ceremony for various reasons. The Beatles have half of their members missing, Queen are rubbish without Freddie Mercury, any plans for Oasis were scuppered when the Gallagher brothers both fell into a terminal sulk, Blur are too busy making cheese and Radiohead might just depress everyone into going home.

Hold on a second though! What’s that in the distance? We can just about hear the squeals of five ageing women telling us what they really really want. It’s not a Botox injection or a chance to write a crap book, they want to open the Olympics. That’s right kids; media man Simon Fuller claims that The Spice Girls are one of the best loved in history, and he wants them at the Olympics. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, he said:

“Demand for the Spice Girls remained high. They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance.”

Do we really want to see 40-year-old women warbling away to their old songs again? If so, then probably is what the UK is culturally all about. Seeing women out on the town who still think they’re young and relevant.

Go London 2012!

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But Michael Phelps’ Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It’s all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party.

Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he’s done. Silly IOC – that’s not shame, that’s just what Michael Phelps’ mangled-up face normally looks like.

There’s no doubting that Michael Phelps is an athletic legend. Not only is Phelps the greatest Olympian in history – a monster forged through hard work and technology who needs to consume a week’s worth of food every single day just to keep his stupidly-proportioned body moving – but he’s managed to achieve that despite being a gigantic pothead.

Yesterday Michael Phelps was forced to apologise after a picture of him smoking a bong at a grotty party in a house with nasty wallpaper was published in a Sunday newspaper. The photo had potentially serious consequences – cannabis is a substance that’s been banned both by the IOC and the World Anti-Doping Agency, and usually comes with a two-year ban.

Admittedly that’s not all bad news – a ban would mean that Michael Phelps wouldn’t be able to win any more gold medals, which means he’d have fewer to wear in all his shameless product endorsement photo sessions, which means the weight of them all would be less likely to pull his head off and spurt blood out of his neck everywhere as he staggers around like some sort of hideous bloody lycra-clad oil rig – but that’s not something we have to concern ourselves with right now.

Because the IOC has decided that, so long as Michael Phelps is sorry for what he’s done, he can keep being in the Olympics. Reuters reports:

“Michael Phelps is a great Olympic champion. He apologised for his inappropriate behaviour,” IOC spokeswoman Emmanuelle Moreau said on Monday. “We have no reason to doubt his sincerity and his commitment to continue to act as a role model.”

That’s definitely good news – not just for Michael Phelps but for all of those who see him as a role model. Those people, incidentally, include Snoop Dogg, Afroman, everyone in Phish, the cast of Dude, Where’s My Car and both Harold AND Kumar.

However, we see what the IOC is doing here – it’s clear that it chose not to punish Michael Phelps because his Olympic career is as good as over anyway.

Not only does all this pot smoking mean that Phelps now has a resting heartrate of, say, one lonely thump every two or three months, but it’s a scientific fact that growing a ratty beard and wrapping brightly-coloured elastic bands around it can severely cut down a swimmer’s stroke efficiency. And, let’s face it, that’s going to be Michael Phelps’ next step.

But let’s take Michael Phelps at his word anyway – if he says he won’t smoke any more pot, then we have no option but to believe him. And we’re certain that we’ll be seeing him winning even more gold medals at the 2012 Olympics, to be held in the notoriously drug-free environs of east-end Londo… uh-oh.

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Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps.

That’s disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he’d be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that’s what.

When he won all those gold medals in the Olympics last year, just about every newspaper in the world ran a story about how he consumed 12,000 calories every single day. At the time it seemed like a testament to his professional dedication and unrelenting training. Now, though, we’ve woken up to the fact that it’s probably because Michael Phelps is always shitfaced on drugs.

OK, not ‘always’ shitfaced on drugs – Michael Phelps was pictured yesterday in a newspaper appearing to smoke a bong in what could very well be a one-off incident. And possibly not drugs, either – nobody can be completely sure what was in that bong. There’s just as good a chance that Michael Phelps was inhaling a nutritious infusion of steamed asparagus through the pipe. But, hey, let’s chance it and go with the drug thing anyway.

Obviously – since smoking cannabis naturally makes individuals more energetic, driven and liable to take the participation in professional sports more seriously – these pictures could well lead Michael Phelps to a ban from competitive swimming. Cannabis is banned by both the Olympics and the World Anti-Doping Agency, and a first-time offence usually results in a two-year ban.

And that’s why Michael Phelps wants you to know that he’s very, very sorry. About everything. Bloomberg reports:

“I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me,” the record 14- time Olympic gold medal-winning swimmer said in a statement through his representatives, Octagon. “For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.”

It’s a shame that Michael Phelps was forced to make an apology like this. As a child he was teased at school for his awkward shape, lanky frame and clumsiness on dry land, but by winning all the gold medals at the Bejing Olympics last year Michael Phelps was able to teach those bullies a lesson – now people only treat him with the utmost respect, calling him names that reflect his success like The Human Fish, Captain Penguin, Mr Olm and That Freaky Mutant Mer-Man Bastard. But now those days could be numbered.

Of course, a ban isn’t guaranteed – Michael Phelps hasn’t tested positive for drugs yet – but if Michael Phelps is banned from swimming, it wouldn’t be all bad. Give him a few years in the wilderness and we’re certain that Michael Phelps will come back stronger than ever, with a fairly good autobiography, an extensive Marion Jones-style Oprah interview and a near-professional Xbox skill level.

True, they might not be achievements on the scale of being the most successful-ever Olympian, but at least they’ll distract people’s attention away from thinking that Michael Phelps looks a bit like the inbred banjo kid from Deliverance. And, if he’s going to do anything with his life, it should probably be that.

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Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones – the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice.

Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were there hamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand and javelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn’t. And don’t think we’re not disappointed about that.

There’s a reason why Oprah Winfrey is such a powerful force in the media. No, it’s not because she’s so rich that she can afford to send all dissenters to her special school for child abuse, it’s because Oprah Winfrey believes in second chances.

It doesn’t matter how down on your luck you are – whether you’re a fat Scientologist who thinks she looks good in a bikini or a dwarfish Scientologist who just seems a bit creepy – Oprah Winfrey will always give you a second chance. Unless you’re French, in which case Oprah Winfrey thinks you can piss off, you racist.

Anyway, the latest recipient of Oprah Winfrey’s almighty wave of forgiveness is Marion Jones, the mannish athlete who was thrown in jail earlier this year because ate all the steroids before the Olympics eight years ago.

In case you don’t remember, at the 2000 Olympics Marion Jones won gold medals in the 100m, 200m and 4×400m relay and bronze in the 4×100m relay and the long jump although, in retrospect, it was probably because she kept stabbing loads of nandrolone into her gut. Since then, Marion Jones has been retired from athletics, been stripped of her medals and completed a six-month stint in jail for lying about the doping.

And that’s where Oprah stepped in. Yesterday, Oprah Winfrey allowed Marion Jones her first televised interview since leaving jail, but only on the condition that, according to Winfrey Law, Marion Jones had to babble some mawkish shit that sounds as if it was directly stolen from Chicken Soup For The Soup. AP reports:

Jones, 33, apologized to her teammates and tearfully read a letter she wrote in prison, in which she told her children she lied to federal prosecutors because she didn’t love herself enough to tell the truth… “I don’t have athletics anymore to hide behind,” Jones said. “In the past, it was Marion Jones, the athlete. … I don’t have that cover anymore. I have really had to find out who I am and why I make certain choices.”

Marion Jones didn’t love herself enough to tell the truth. That’s disgusting. What sort of a mother would write a thing like that in a letter to her children? She didn’t love herself enough? It’s bad enough that their mother went to jail for lying about her steroid use – the last thing they’d want to hear is an explanation of how often she got to masturbate.

That is what she meant, right?

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray’s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

The possibility of us having something to get up for in the morning again came about through an interview with Phelps’ mother, which was being conducted by Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush. As the interview was ongoing, Bush received a text from our former favourite walking train wreck Lindsay concerning the half-fish, half-fish swimmer:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Now that’s the Lindsay Lohan we want to know – the one that swears and is ballsy (or stupid) enough to text someone something like that, during a live interview with the man’s mother, which resulted in the text being shown to Phelps’ mama. Lovely stuff.

Surprisingly enough, Phelps’ mummy reacted to the fact that a once-off the rails starlet, now boring apparent lesbian had sent the text with a mild amount of shock and surprise:

“OK, Lindsay! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Obviously on being shown a similar message from Lindsay Lohan, any mother would have the same reaction. And seeing as she’s a quasi-lesbian but probably still likes blokes as well, that means any mother of any person in the world has to be on the lookout for Lohan-related textual stalking.

Though we are still waiting on ours. Come on Lohan – you know you love us.

Maybe this is just Lindsay trying to tell the world she’s moved on from men, moved past women and is now on to the third of the sexes – the newly discovered third sex, simply known as ‘fish’, that Michael Phelps clearly belongs to.

She’s obviously well up for a bit of scaly fun. She wants a dishy-bit-of-fishy. She’s scaling down her options. She’d be gutted if she didn’t get him. She’s fishing for compliments. She’s… sorry. We got a bit carried away.

Regardless, if this is the newly-returned evil form of Lindsay Lohan showing its face, the whole of America simply has to be against her getting her claws into Michael Phelps. The best Olympian the country has produced, probably ever, cannot fall into the hands of the dark side. He just wouldn’t be able to swim when drunk/smacked up/fat/involved in car crashes/in rehab.

Make sure it doesn’t happen, people.

Folded:

• Prawn cocktail Pringles (these really make sense)
• I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (annoying toy lesbian or taking the piss? Probably taking the piss, so laugh)
• Madonna’s jiggly boobs in the 4 Minutes video (okay, so we’re not Nuts magazine, but we’ve got eyes)
• Genuine Childs (they guys composed the menu music for The Bourne Identity DVD, just in case you were wondering)
• The XXIX Olympiad (numbingly compulsive. Quick, badminton is on!)

Creased:

• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (the curse of Rob Cohen strikes again)
• Overuse of metaphors on The Hotel Inspector voiceover (about a former-lighthouse B&B: ‘The owners are all at sea’, ‘About to enter choppy waters’ or ‘The bathroom is flushed for success’)
• Bad news about Paul Newman (83 year old smoker or not, this sucks for a Hollywood legend. That’s right, legend. No exaggeration)
• Fat beauty queens (wow, look at the girl in white – she’s MASSIVE!)
• Alexander O’Neal (recently on Celebrity Wife Swap. Believe the hype! From twenty years ago)

1) She has to be able to use the horse her husband just got her, and 2) The horse has to be a female with silicone implanted all along its nipple-line to make it beautiful like her. The horse is a male now, but several veterinarians have assured us if the steed gets sex changed now it’ll still have plenty of time to make a recovery before anyone has to put it’s name on a roster down in ol’ Beijing.

If those two requirements are met, assuming they are not 100% fabricated, it pretty much guarantees England a horse-related gold medal for the first time since Prince Harry accidentally won one when he was seen by judges trotting around the high-jump parking lot in Athens four years ago.

By the way, Jordan, a woman famous for something or other, seriously did mention competing in the Olympics with the horse her husband just got her. Now if she could just finish coordinating the horse’s natural jumping ability with that of the pole vault they’d really sport a chance.

When a horse recently showed up on Jordan’s front porch all saddled up and ready to go, chances are her first thoughts weren’t of eating it, though maybe they should have been. Hecklerspray speculates her first thoughts were ‘skin graft donor‘ as her boobs could really use a touch up from what we’ve heard.

Now if someone gave us a horse, the first thing we’d do is cut off one of its legs so it could never leave us. Then we’d take it out to jump over moving school buses. The children inside would ooh and ahh as we galloped away with perfect horse posture, after a few yards we’d stop, turn and yell “stay in school, kids” while giving them one of those military forehead salutes. Children today just don’t get that message enough.

You see though, that’s where Jordan differs so greatly from us. While we would use our horse-having powers to better the world around us, she just wants to use hers to selfishly compete in the stupid gay-wad Olympics. A friend of hers said:

“[Jordan] loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”

We’ll be the first to admit we don’t know what a dressage competition is, but the name certainly implies it has something to do with dressing horses up in gigantic four legged Barbie clothes, earning points for over-all style and beauty.

If that’s the case, count us in – our attic is full of nothing but horse dresses. Some of them we’re pretty sure are Olympic quality too.

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Jordan To Compete In 2012 Olympics – Anorak