People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.

Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.

Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?

Geri even admitted how conniving she’s been by creating a range centred on one of the most iconic British images of the past 50 years.

“I think this dress has definitely become iconic and I’m proud to say that – and equally it celebrated Britain and I can’t think of a better time to celebrate Britain. We’ve got the Olympic Games, we’ve got the Diamond Jubilee – we have a lot to feel good about. And I think really wearing something with a Union Jack on really is showing how proud we are to be British. I think it’s time we fly the flag with real pride, so I’m very excited.”

Remember, just before Bob Peck was ripped apart by velociraptors in Jurassic Park, and he said “clever girl”? He wasn’t talking about his impending doom, he was talking about Geri Halliwell.

There’s five separate designs available, incorporating an awful looking bikini, an alright looking maxi dress and an updated, not slaggy looking version of the dress she wore at the Brit Awards, with a nifty cowl neck and sequins added.

God that was a little bit Vogue wasn’t it?

In reparation for that, have these instead: poo, bum, wee, willy, front fanny and something to make your Friday start with a, what’s less than a bang? A rhythm?

Any child of the nineties will remember not wanting to go to school. Not because the education system was as messed up as Chloe Sims’ face, or because of the taunts of  the three stripe-clad knuckle-draggers who marked themselves as the school’s social elite.

It was because they wanted nothing more than to watch The Big Breakfast.

The alternative breakfast show has been hosted by pretty much everyone on television, but really came into its own with Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen at the helm. It was brash, bright and loud: just what a child wants instead of stupid Maths and History. Tell the truth, where has Maths or History ever got you that knowing how to sing the ‘Vital Statistics’ song hasn’t? Nowhere, that’s where.

Well Children of the 90s rejoice and unite, because rumours flying around the internet and now your brain, is that the Big Breakfast is coming back to our screens to coincide with the Olympics this year. Probably to cheer everyone up before having to endure packed Tubes and buses for two whole, solid weeks. And that’s just the ceremony itself!

Although nothing is set in stone, and the whole project looks unlikely given that Chris Evans and Johnny Vaughan have their own careers on radio and the like, but isn’t the thought of it just absolutely ball tingling ?

The site of the Big Breakfast House was compulsory purchased to go with the 2012 Summer Olympics plan put forward by the government, so it’s looking likely that the site will be used for something to do with the Olympics, and it may just be a case of wishful thinking. For all we know, it could be the place where all the chemical toilets are emptied.

However, any reason to have Liza Tarbuck back on our screens is fine with us, so come on Hecklersprayers! Let’s start some sort of grass roots campaign to get the Big Breakfast back on our TV. It’s when Johnny Vaughan was super-hot.

That might just be us.

The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That’s right, it isn’t one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn’t exist! Roll on February 29th!

And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (© The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.

But the mass global event we’re all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.

Recently, lizard-president of the UK, David Cameron wanted to see more support come from TV networks so the British film industry could rosily bloom like a bunch of flowers next to a cancer victim’s grave. We all laughed and scorned at the prime ministers suggestions, however, we wish that the same train of thought was suggested to the Olympics.

Us British like a good old piece of nostalgia. Honestly, it’s amazing that some trendy company haven’t found a way of sucking the fondest memories you possess out your brain and converted them into some awful glistening cupcake. Imagine if you ever felt sad or lonely; a delicious slice of nostalgia cake could be scoffed down to get that happy feeling back in your tummy.

Obviously, we’re obsessed about the past because the UK has nothing to look forward to. We’ve already peaked.

From winning the 1966 World Cup or remembering the time when one of our princesses got smushed to bits in a Paris tunnel, you’ll be guaranteed that a tabloid paper will mention it at any given opportunity. In the music world, Paul McCartney is someone that we supposedly can’t get enough of. As someone who played in a band named after his favourite type of insect that weren’t even as good as The Beach Boys, he is amazingly popular and at time of writing, hasn’t been put in a home for his own good.

Britain is a nation to afraid to even vaguely venture in to new territories, kind of like your average holiday maker who insists on getting chips instead of rice with his chicken korma. Once you get into a habit, it’s hard to break it. Think about it, we wheeled out Paul McCartney in 2002 when The Queen had her Golden Jubilee. Though we assume they’d have used Freddie Mercury if he hadn’t died of the AIDS. Speaking about any possible Olympic involvement, McCartney said:

“I am seeing the guy because there is something they want me to do. I might be doing something in the Olympics. I know until then.”

When do we get to vote him into the Dignitas house in Switzerland?

Ringo Starr, quite possibly still going around warning everyone with ‘peace and love’, is opening and closing his mouth again, letting words tumble out and reminding everyone that he once provided the voice for Thomas The Tank Engine and friends.

He’s also nattering about his famous chum, Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently, the 10th best drummer in The Beatles (after John Lennon, Sir Macca, George Harrison, George Martin, Billy Preston, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Yoko Ono, Astrid Kirchherr and that arhythmic dripping tap in studio 2 of Abbey Road) is still in close contact with the only useful living member of the Fab Four.

Of course, you’d expect Ringo (real name Ringles Starrguitar) to still be in contact with a bloke he’s know since he was a whippersnapper. This isn’t news is it?

The news is, that they have no plans to work together any time soon… which is barely newsworthy in itself because Paul McCartney has a perfectly able drummer as it is.

Ringo told BBC Radio 2 presenter Steve Wright (who currently looks like a melted waxwork of David Gest):

“He surprised me when I was playing Radio City Music Hall, and he got up and he played ‘Birthday’, which I played with him because I wanted the opportunity to ply with him again, and he’s on the last record, he’s not on this one.

“We do hang out a bit but we’re not in each other’s pockets, and if the opportunity is real, I’ve played on a couple of his records, he’s played on mine.”

“We never sit there and say, ‘oh yeah we’ll put it together’, I’ll do ‘Yesterday’ and ‘Hey Jude’, he’ll do ‘Octopus’s Garden’.”

While that may read duller than ditch water, you should go back and read it out loud in your best Ringo Starr impression because EVERYONE is able to do a Ringo impression and it is NEVER not funny.

Elsewhere, there have been rumours that the living Beatles are to reunite and play at the opening of the 2012 Olympic Games in London this summer. Ringo’s not having it.

“There was talk about The Olympics last year, but I’m not here, I’m booked to tour America. I don’t know if he’s going to do it, but I’m off.”

He hates England, doesn’t he?

Pedestrian noodle-rockers, Pink Floyd, are going to stop bickering pointlessly with each other just long enough to play some music together because, clearly, someone in the ranks is feeling the pinch of a giant mortgage payment.

That, or they’re just too needy for huge amounts of cloying sycophancy which will inevitably greet each week-long guitar solo and muted fart they do.

So what’s the craic then?

Well, the surviving members of the band (aka, those that didn’t get literally bored to death by the Pink Floyd back catalogue) are looking likely to get together again for the London 2012 Olympics in some way.

Of course, they last did something like this when they were upstaged by Snoop Dogg at Live 8 in 2005.

An insider told the Daily Express newspaper:

“Its long been made clear it would take something very special to get Pink Floyd back together again and it doesn’t get any bigger than the Olympics.”

“Like Sir Paul [McCartney, who is tipped to open the event], they have been a major part of the nation’s culture over the past 40 years and it will be very fitting that they’re involved when London is on show to the world. It’s hoped everything can be confirmed in the coming weeks.”

Of course, not one bit of this story matters because, as we all know, whether Pink Floyd got back together or not, they can do absolutely no wrong in the eyes of their awful, awful fans.

Besides, those awful, awful fans will already know all about this because they’ve done nothing but read Pink Floyd forums for their ENTIRE, DREARY LIVES.

Either way, nice to know that these Olympics will showcase how great England is by not getting a new band to play in favour of a bunch of old men who can’t stand each other.

Yay! The Olympics! Brilliant! Who wouldn’t want to watch athletes competing in events for an oversized piece of bling? But hey, it’s great for the nation right? Whole decayed areas have been wiped out to make way for wondrous architecture that’ll sit dormant for years to come.

Excellent, that’s just the thing that our stupid government’s “Big Society” wanted to achieve. Pump loads of money into the host city whilst other cities used for side-events have to do with no investment! HURRAY!

So far, the London Olympics has thrown up a logo which looks like an epileptic’s nightmare and, with less than a year to go, it’s been announced that alongside film director Danny Boyle, electronic duo Underworld will be working on the opening ceremony. Whilst it might come as a strange choice to some, the decision may be the kind of bold move that could result in a proper audio and visual feast!

At present, UK pop music is riding fairly high in the charts with amongst others, Take That, The Saturdays and JLS scoring well in the hit parade.

Imagine the thought of these artists performing at the opening ceremony where a global audience will be casting a careful eye to see how London fares against Beijing in 2008.

In an instant, they would be critically mauled.

Clearly, someone on the Olympic committee didn’t want to be mocked. So, they turned to Danny Boyle who was appointed as the artistic director for the opening ceremony. With diverse work across in film including ‘The Beach’ and Oscar winning film ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ he’ll always be associated with iconic nineties film ‘Trainspotting.’

Of course, Underworld scored their biggest hit from ‘Trainspotting’ . Despite not gaining a number one with the track Born Slippy.NUXX, it was a song that always gets high praise as one of the songs of the nineties.

Cynics may worry that The Royal Family might be faced with a ceremony of rave, strobe lights and neon clothing. However, the band have collaborated musically with Boyle multiple times on films, including ‘A Life Less Ordinary’, the soundtrack to sci-fi flick ‘Sunshine’ and recently, a theatre score for the classic play ‘Frankenstein.’

Not all of the songs are heavily beat based, as this piece from ‘Sunshine’ showcases:

This ambient piece shows that Underworld are diverse in terms of creating more than just songs that will get a batch of clubbers reaching for their pills.

Therefore, the prospect of what this collaboration of both visual and creative remains a genuine exciting prospect.

Whilst it’s not expected to be a fast paced display to mark the arrival of the Olympics in London, there should be some surprising treats that’ll at least make for a one off and unique display.

Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.

Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.

Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.

Sir Paul says:

“I am going to talk to the police because apparently I have been hacked. I don’t know much about it because they won’t tell anyone except the person themselves.”

“I do think it’s a horrendous violation of privacy. I do think it has been going on for a long time and I do think more people than we know knew about it.”

Of course, these incredibly famous people aren’t bothered about us. They only want to sue famous people. The Muccas are subsequently going after CNN suet head, Piers Morgan, who edited the Mirror from 1995 to 2004. He’s getting all this lovely stick, thereby allowing us to get off scot-free.

Naturally, Piers denies any involvement in phone hacking, despite the fact he once wrote:

‘At one stage I was played a tape of a message Paul had left for Heather on her mobile phone. It was heartbreaking.’

‘The couple had clearly had a tiff, Heather had fled to India, and Paul was pleading with her to come back.

‘He sounded lonely, miserable and desperate, and even sang ‘We Can Work It Out ‘ into the answerphone.’

Aaaw! Bless Sir Paul. Although, he really should’ve crooned one of his more erratic hits. Any of these would have been great.

Still, funny how everyone is taking phone hacking seriously, given that everyone thought Heather Mills was mental for saying such a thing all those years ago.

You fickle ogres.

Meanwhile, Ringo wonders why no-one ever wants to hack his phone and has been seen handing out his phone number to strangers and telling them his pin-code for his voicemail.

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Paul McCartney is all set to headline the opening ceremony of London 2012 Olympic Games alongside other British music stars who probably aren’t nearly as good. Unless they get Girls Aloud on which would be amazing.

The Beatle has told organisers of London 2012 he is “up for” playing at the opener, but which songs he will play is yet to be seen. Or organised at all probably. And Ringo Starr won’t be there, which is simultaneously a shame and of little consequence.

But which songs should Macca consider? Sure, he’s got a massive back catalogue to play with, but there’s some cheeky tracks that are less famous that he should really think about including.

A source says:

“The hope was to have the cream of British music all in the line-up but it now looks like Paul will be joined on stage by some younger stars.

“But of all the people you want, McCartney is number one. He is the ultimate showman and guaranteed to get the Olympics off to a great start.”

He’s not the only McCartney taking part. His daughter, Stella, is designing the kit for the British Olympic team too! That’s nice isn’t it? Not really. We couldn’t care less. And isn’t Heather Mills practising her skiing for the Olympics or something?

Anyway, forget all that. Which songs should Macca play to surprise everyone?

Check My Machine

One of Macca’s weirdest little indulgent moments, but oddly fantastic (why hasn’t someone done a mash-up with this and Carly Simon’s ‘Why?’). Imagine if Sir Paul walked on-stage, performed this, flicked a peace-sign and just buggered off. It would be astonishing.

Give Ireland Back To The Irish

Paul could see such a gigantic worldwide audience as a platform for his own political views and this would be a hilarious thing to perform in the middle of London with Boris Johnson and David Cameron looking on. He should sport an IRA balaclava for maximum impact also.

Temporary Secretary

Just listen to this synth based gonzo pop track and just imagine the look on the face of Sebastian Coe as it thunders out of the speakers at the Olympic stadium. It could well be the most amazing moment in British history.

Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?

Coming in a under 2 minutes, Macca could get his paycheck and slope off for an afternoon off if he performed this. Anyone who complains should be met with “Well, I said I’d do a Beatles tune didn’t I?”

Something from his ‘Fireman’ alter ego

Sound collages and nonsense. Exactly what our Olympics need.

Coming Up

Sir Paul should actually clone himself so he can recreate the video for ‘Coming Up’, complete with his amazing impression of the keyboard player from Sparks.

We All Stand Together

Big sporting events are often soundtracked by a notion of ‘togetherness’ and ‘oneness’. Paul could say… “Okay. You wanted ‘All You Need Is Love’, but that was kinda John’s song… so why not have this instead? And you’ll like it as well. That’s because I’m a Beatle and can do as I please. And yes. I am dressed up as Rupert Bear. What of it?”

Silly Love Songs

The thing that London 2012 really needs is some cod-disco and you damn well know it.

Say Say Say

Of course, Michael Jackson is dead. So who could sit in on MJ’s vocals? Tulisa from N Dubz? Jedward? If he does this, he could go straight into ‘The Girl Is Mine’ as well, and that’d be worth it just for the “I DON’T BELIEVE IT!” bit.

No Songs At All.

He’s a Beatle ferchrissakes! He can do whatever he pleases! So he shouldn’t do any songs at all and just make some mashed potatoes to irritate everyone!

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We despair about living in England. Out of every country in the world, we are the only nation that takes pride in former glories and absolutely nothing else. We’ve got nothing to look forward to. Nothing.

And when it comes to music, no band takes our regressive national pride to stalker-levels like The Beatles. It’s an actual fact that people in Liverpool aren’t christened in holy water. Instead, melted down Beatles records are used to make sure any young child gets a proper passage into the world we live in.

Even though the fab four haven’t made a record for decades (seriously! What’s George Harrison up to these days? Nothing. Lazy oaf!) it hasn’t stopped rock n’ roll granddad Paul McCartney from muscling in with his ideas on how an ageing band with no relevance on modern music can help creating an exciting opening Olympic ceremony. Where’s Mark Chapman when you need him?

When the Olympics do finally arrive, we can only assume that people in the North of England will be grumpy about the whole thing, even though the government want to promote this as a celebration of sport for the entire country, everything seems to be focussed on our nation’s capital.

London itself is pretty much dominated with ropey late night chicken places and people freaking out when a couple of snowflakes fall to the ground, grinding the transport system to a halt. Up in the grim north, nothing much is planned, mainly because people in the south are under the impression that electricity and colour haven’t reached cities such as Manchester, Newcastle and Leeds (although, in the case of the latter, it happens to be true).

Essentially when you dissect the Olympics, it’s just a massively expensive school sports day.

So what is Macca doing there? We don’t know what the Wingsman has planned, but if he really wants to involve all four members of The Beatles, it’ll prove challenging.

Only yesterday, we brought you news of a Japanese monster, forcefully destroying the peace and tranquillity of a pub in Dundee. So it’ll probably be a no-go in regards to propping up the corpse of John Lennon and strapping a guitar to him. Thinking about it further, local seagulls will probably peck his eyes out. Somebody said:

“Macca was just being coy about the details. He has been speaking to organisers and has said he’d love to be involved with the games in some way. The organisers want the music legend to appear alongside other big British acts. And they also want Ringo on stage as well to make it extra special.”

The involvement of Ringo sounds like a bit desperate to us. Sir Paul is probably trying to up his game because Glee are much, much better and more successful than anything The Beatles ever accomplished.

Maybe, just maybe, Macca will simply recreate this piece of Beatle-magic? Here’s hoping.

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When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.

Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.

There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there’s always Plan B – giving The Spice Girls some work again.

Last year, the majority of people were suitably impressed when Beijing opened the Olympics. They had fireworks, people doing all sorts of dances and had funky signs with writing that looked the same as to the ones you see on takeaway menus. According to trusty Wikipedia, the host nation is meant to present artistic displays of music, singing, dance, and theatre representative of its culture. Or, strictly speaking, you’re meant to outdo the previous city and make them look crap.

So when we think of London, what comes to mind? Jellied eels, EastEnders, rats, the London Underground and the fact that a can of Coke costing 40p in Blackburn would be 90p in our dear capital. But where does that leave us? No-one is suggesting that we round a group of people, dress them as tube stations and do some wacky dance. That would be silly. And like the London Underground, it’d end up being too hot, delayed and then aborted completely when a breakaway faction of the Jubilee line inevitably decides to go on strike midway through.

But what about the legacy of British music? After all there have been some legendary bands that this country has produced. Sadly though a lot of them can’t make the ceremony for various reasons. The Beatles have half of their members missing, Queen are rubbish without Freddie Mercury, any plans for Oasis were scuppered when the Gallagher brothers both fell into a terminal sulk, Blur are too busy making cheese and Radiohead might just depress everyone into going home.

Hold on a second though! What’s that in the distance? We can just about hear the squeals of five ageing women telling us what they really really want. It’s not a Botox injection or a chance to write a crap book, they want to open the Olympics. That’s right kids; media man Simon Fuller claims that The Spice Girls are one of the best loved in history, and he wants them at the Olympics. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, he said:

“Demand for the Spice Girls remained high. They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance.”

Do we really want to see 40-year-old women warbling away to their old songs again? If so, then probably is what the UK is culturally all about. Seeing women out on the town who still think they’re young and relevant.

Go London 2012!

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Michael Phelps exemplifies the Olympic spirit better than anyone, in that he’s a genetic freak who looks a bit dim.

But Michael Phelps’ Olympic career has taken a massive blow. It’s all thanks to that pesky picture of him filling his ridiculously oversized lungs with drugsmoke at some sort of awful-looking teenage party.

Usually this behaviour comes with a two-year IOC ban, but Michael Phelps has got away with it. The IOC has said that the matter will end because Phelps looks ashamed of what he’s done. Silly IOC – that’s not shame, that’s just what Michael Phelps’ mangled-up face normally looks like.

There’s no doubting that Michael Phelps is an athletic legend. Not only is Phelps the greatest Olympian in history – a monster forged through hard work and technology who needs to consume a week’s worth of food every single day just to keep his stupidly-proportioned body moving – but he’s managed to achieve that despite being a gigantic pothead.

Yesterday Michael Phelps was forced to apologise after a picture of him smoking a bong at a grotty party in a house with nasty wallpaper was published in a Sunday newspaper. The photo had potentially serious consequences – cannabis is a substance that’s been banned both by the IOC and the World Anti-Doping Agency, and usually comes with a two-year ban.

Admittedly that’s not all bad news – a ban would mean that Michael Phelps wouldn’t be able to win any more gold medals, which means he’d have fewer to wear in all his shameless product endorsement photo sessions, which means the weight of them all would be less likely to pull his head off and spurt blood out of his neck everywhere as he staggers around like some sort of hideous bloody lycra-clad oil rig – but that’s not something we have to concern ourselves with right now.

Because the IOC has decided that, so long as Michael Phelps is sorry for what he’s done, he can keep being in the Olympics. Reuters reports:

“Michael Phelps is a great Olympic champion. He apologised for his inappropriate behaviour,” IOC spokeswoman Emmanuelle Moreau said on Monday. “We have no reason to doubt his sincerity and his commitment to continue to act as a role model.”

That’s definitely good news – not just for Michael Phelps but for all of those who see him as a role model. Those people, incidentally, include Snoop Dogg, Afroman, everyone in Phish, the cast of Dude, Where’s My Car and both Harold AND Kumar.

However, we see what the IOC is doing here – it’s clear that it chose not to punish Michael Phelps because his Olympic career is as good as over anyway.

Not only does all this pot smoking mean that Phelps now has a resting heartrate of, say, one lonely thump every two or three months, but it’s a scientific fact that growing a ratty beard and wrapping brightly-coloured elastic bands around it can severely cut down a swimmer’s stroke efficiency. And, let’s face it, that’s going to be Michael Phelps’ next step.

But let’s take Michael Phelps at his word anyway – if he says he won’t smoke any more pot, then we have no option but to believe him. And we’re certain that we’ll be seeing him winning even more gold medals at the 2012 Olympics, to be held in the notoriously drug-free environs of east-end Londo… uh-oh.

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Michael Phelps, the man probably best known for starring in a Guitar Hero advert, has had better weekends.

Yesterday a newspaper published pictures of Michael Phelps apparently smoking a bong at a house party. And, since science proves that marijuana is at least as performance-enhancing as loads of steroids, it could lead to a competitive swimming ban for Phelps.

That’s disastrous. Take competitive swimming away from Michael Phelps and what have you got? A freakish man with a face like a clubbed seal who sort of seems like he’d be a bit of a tosser if you met him, that’s what.

When he won all those gold medals in the Olympics last year, just about every newspaper in the world ran a story about how he consumed 12,000 calories every single day. At the time it seemed like a testament to his professional dedication and unrelenting training. Now, though, we’ve woken up to the fact that it’s probably because Michael Phelps is always shitfaced on drugs.

OK, not ‘always’ shitfaced on drugs – Michael Phelps was pictured yesterday in a newspaper appearing to smoke a bong in what could very well be a one-off incident. And possibly not drugs, either – nobody can be completely sure what was in that bong. There’s just as good a chance that Michael Phelps was inhaling a nutritious infusion of steamed asparagus through the pipe. But, hey, let’s chance it and go with the drug thing anyway.

Obviously – since smoking cannabis naturally makes individuals more energetic, driven and liable to take the participation in professional sports more seriously – these pictures could well lead Michael Phelps to a ban from competitive swimming. Cannabis is banned by both the Olympics and the World Anti-Doping Agency, and a first-time offence usually results in a two-year ban.

And that’s why Michael Phelps wants you to know that he’s very, very sorry. About everything. Bloomberg reports:

“I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me,” the record 14- time Olympic gold medal-winning swimmer said in a statement through his representatives, Octagon. “For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.”

It’s a shame that Michael Phelps was forced to make an apology like this. As a child he was teased at school for his awkward shape, lanky frame and clumsiness on dry land, but by winning all the gold medals at the Bejing Olympics last year Michael Phelps was able to teach those bullies a lesson – now people only treat him with the utmost respect, calling him names that reflect his success like The Human Fish, Captain Penguin, Mr Olm and That Freaky Mutant Mer-Man Bastard. But now those days could be numbered.

Of course, a ban isn’t guaranteed – Michael Phelps hasn’t tested positive for drugs yet – but if Michael Phelps is banned from swimming, it wouldn’t be all bad. Give him a few years in the wilderness and we’re certain that Michael Phelps will come back stronger than ever, with a fairly good autobiography, an extensive Marion Jones-style Oprah interview and a near-professional Xbox skill level.

True, they might not be achievements on the scale of being the most successful-ever Olympian, but at least they’ll distract people’s attention away from thinking that Michael Phelps looks a bit like the inbred banjo kid from Deliverance. And, if he’s going to do anything with his life, it should probably be that.

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We like our female athletes like we like our coffee – brutish and startlingly masculine – which is why we like Marion Jones so much.

Oh come on, you remember Marion Jones – the American athlete who won five medals at the 2000 Olympics and then lost them all because she was pumped up to the knockers on steroids, and then ended up getting thrown in jail for the exact same reason. Essentially Marion Jones is the Incredible Hulk, only bulkier and with a deeper voice.

Oprah Winfrey thinks so too, because yesterday Marion Jones appeared on her show in her first post-prison interview. Were there tears? Yes. Were there hamfisted stabs at self-help therapy-speak? Yes. Was there a moment where Marion Jones lost her temper with Oprah Winfrey, crushed her skull with one hand and javelined her dead body into the sun. No, no there wasn’t. And don’t think we’re not disappointed about that.

There’s a reason why Oprah Winfrey is such a powerful force in the media. No, it’s not because she’s so rich that she can afford to send all dissenters to her special school for child abuse, it’s because Oprah Winfrey believes in second chances.

It doesn’t matter how down on your luck you are – whether you’re a fat Scientologist who thinks she looks good in a bikini or a dwarfish Scientologist who just seems a bit creepy – Oprah Winfrey will always give you a second chance. Unless you’re French, in which case Oprah Winfrey thinks you can piss off, you racist.

Anyway, the latest recipient of Oprah Winfrey’s almighty wave of forgiveness is Marion Jones, the mannish athlete who was thrown in jail earlier this year because ate all the steroids before the Olympics eight years ago.

In case you don’t remember, at the 2000 Olympics Marion Jones won gold medals in the 100m, 200m and 4x400m relay and bronze in the 4x100m relay and the long jump although, in retrospect, it was probably because she kept stabbing loads of nandrolone into her gut. Since then, Marion Jones has been retired from athletics, been stripped of her medals and completed a six-month stint in jail for lying about the doping.

And that’s where Oprah stepped in. Yesterday, Oprah Winfrey allowed Marion Jones her first televised interview since leaving jail, but only on the condition that, according to Winfrey Law, Marion Jones had to babble some mawkish shit that sounds as if it was directly stolen from Chicken Soup For The Soup. AP reports:

Jones, 33, apologized to her teammates and tearfully read a letter she wrote in prison, in which she told her children she lied to federal prosecutors because she didn’t love herself enough to tell the truth… “I don’t have athletics anymore to hide behind,” Jones said. “In the past, it was Marion Jones, the athlete. … I don’t have that cover anymore. I have really had to find out who I am and why I make certain choices.”

Marion Jones didn’t love herself enough to tell the truth. That’s disgusting. What sort of a mother would write a thing like that in a letter to her children? She didn’t love herself enough? It’s bad enough that their mother went to jail for lying about her steroid use – the last thing they’d want to hear is an explanation of how often she got to masturbate.

That is what she meant, right?

Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps.

The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray‘s content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again.

If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls ‘like that’ in the first place.

As we all know through thorough scientific testing – when Lindsay Lohan isn’t a lesbian, or when she isn’t at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award – the hastily made up ‘hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again’.

The possibility of us having something to get up for in the morning again came about through an interview with Phelps’ mother, which was being conducted by Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush. As the interview was ongoing, Bush received a text from our former favourite walking train wreck Lindsay concerning the half-fish, half-fish swimmer:

“Tell him he’s fucking amazing, and I want to meet him.”

Now that’s the Lindsay Lohan we want to know – the one that swears and is ballsy (or stupid) enough to text someone something like that, during a live interview with the man’s mother, which resulted in the text being shown to Phelps’ mama. Lovely stuff.

Surprisingly enough, Phelps’ mummy reacted to the fact that a once-off the rails starlet, now boring apparent lesbian had sent the text with a mild amount of shock and surprise:

“OK, Lindsay! Delete! Delete! Delete!”

Obviously on being shown a similar message from Lindsay Lohan, any mother would have the same reaction. And seeing as she’s a quasi-lesbian but probably still likes blokes as well, that means any mother of any person in the world has to be on the lookout for Lohan-related textual stalking.

Though we are still waiting on ours. Come on Lohan – you know you love us.

Maybe this is just Lindsay trying to tell the world she’s moved on from men, moved past women and is now on to the third of the sexes – the newly discovered third sex, simply known as ‘fish’, that Michael Phelps clearly belongs to.

She’s obviously well up for a bit of scaly fun. She wants a dishy-bit-of-fishy. She’s scaling down her options. She’d be gutted if she didn’t get him. She’s fishing for compliments. She’s… sorry. We got a bit carried away.

Regardless, if this is the newly-returned evil form of Lindsay Lohan showing its face, the whole of America simply has to be against her getting her claws into Michael Phelps. The best Olympian the country has produced, probably ever, cannot fall into the hands of the dark side. He just wouldn’t be able to swim when drunk/smacked up/fat/involved in car crashes/in rehab.

Make sure it doesn’t happen, people.

This week’s uppers and downers.

Folded:

• Prawn cocktail Pringles (these really make sense)
• I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (annoying toy lesbian or taking the piss? Probably taking the piss, so laugh)
• Madonna’s jiggly boobs in the 4 Minutes video (okay, so we’re not Nuts magazine, but we’ve got eyes)
• Genuine Childs (they guys composed the menu music for The Bourne Identity DVD, just in case you were wondering)
• The XXIX Olympiad (numbingly compulsive. Quick, badminton is on!)

Creased:

• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (the curse of Rob Cohen strikes again)
• Overuse of metaphors on The Hotel Inspector voiceover (about a former-lighthouse B&B: ‘The owners are all at sea’, ‘About to enter choppy waters’ or ‘The bathroom is flushed for success’)
• Bad news about Paul Newman (83 year old smoker or not, this sucks for a Hollywood legend. That’s right, legend. No exaggeration)
• Fat beauty queens (wow, look at the girl in white – she’s MASSIVE!)
• Alexander O’Neal (recently on Celebrity Wife Swap. Believe the hype! From twenty years ago)