If you like Oasis, you’re in for a treat. And if you like the 1990s bands Heavy Stereo and Ride, you’re in for even more of a treat.

That’s because our dear friend Eleanor Conway has interviewed the half of Oasis that used to be in Heavy Stereo and Ride – Gem and Andy Bell – while they were touring in Hong Kong. And there’s a video of it. And you should probably watch it.

Why? Because only by watching it will you discover that Glastonbury is a festival full of farmers, specifically farmers that weave yogurt for a living. No, we don’t know either. Anyway, video after the jump…

Has Nick Leeson just been arrested for his part in the downfall of Barings bank? Has eBay just been founded? Has Rose West just been sentenced for the killing of 10 women and children?

No, that’s because it’s not 1995 any more (sorry, mid-90s fans). But looking at some headlines you might be forgiven for thinking that it’s 1995, because the WAR between Oasis and Blur is back ON. Apparently.

After Blur had critical and fan adoration heaped on them in big hot dollops for their reunion gigs at Glastonbury and Hyde Park, its now been decided by someone that the classic Britpop feud is to resume.

Oasis are playing Wembley this week, and it’s reported they have to do ‘something special’ in order to make Blur look like a bunch of Fred Perry sponsored pony-bummers.

Despite Oasis’seses three dates at the London stadium selling out, many tickets have apparently gone on sale online for as little as £25 – which is almost half the face value. Or, just 51p less than the 12 jar wooden revolving spice rack you can buy in Argos.

Back in ‘95 it was Blur’s Country House which won the battle of Britpop, outselling Oasis’ Roll With It. Although that’s a bit like asking “Which is the best? Solid, but really smelly poo – or sloppy, but smell-free poo?”

14 years has passed - Damon has developed an ape comfort zone with his involvement in the Gorillaz and the opera Monkey: Journey To The West – whilst Liam has launched his own clothing range and Noel currently appears in a promo on Sky News saying how much he likes Sky News. Oh, they also released some albums as well.

Whether or not you give a shit about either band, it’s not really about the music, or north versus south, or even knees-up versus fook-off. It’s a series of headline friendly soundbites between the two that we can all enjoy.

In 1995 Noel famously told The Observer that he hoped Albarn would catch AIDS and die. But it was to be another four years before Albarn made this equally shocking statement about the Gallaghers: “I just think it was a shame when they started appearing in Hello and OK magazines”.

ZING! Couple that searing, pithy wit with the fact that Damon Albarn has the world’s most boring speaking voice and 2009 will clearly be the year of Britpopageddon 2: This Time They’re All A Bit Older And Probably Go To Bed Earlier. It is on. Or not.

This was a guest blog by the insultingly talented Simon Swatman from Mediapill, which you should all look at now because it is phenomenal.

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If you look out your window, you’ll see that the world is currently in a dire state.

Once-proud businessmen are reduced to skeletal husks of men, scuttling around rubbish bins with only their own shoes for sustenance. Families are selling their beloved household pets for thirty pence so they can afford to buy a newspaper to live under for a month.

Flaming corpses of villainous bankers pave deserted mud tracks which were once bustling high streets.
Most people are in agreement that this is probably the worst time ever to be alive. In fact, the majority of the population is only bothering to struggle on in the slim hope that the development of time travel will, one day, allow us to return to a time when everyone in the world chose to buy nothing at all from Woolworths rather than having that decision forced upon us. But, for one infamously cheery man, this grim reality is simply unbearable.

Noel Gallagher has taken time out of fingering through his dog-eared Beatles songbook to criticise the news for being a bit gloomy of late. This, remember, is the man whose back-catalogue could instantly evaporate all the happiness from Santa’s workshop. Gallagher whined:

“It’s really bad, man. In one sitting watching Sky News the doom and gloom is outrageous. Recession, recession, stabbings, corruption, murder, desolation, despair.”

We can only imagine what Noel Gallagher’s ideal half-an-hour of current affairs would be. Perhaps the news should forthwith avoid any nationally important event if it makes Noel Gallagher a bit upset and, instead, take the form of an expansive, sprawling list of every single uplifting event to take place in the country that day? This should be considered if only to avoid a stunted attempt at social commentary on Oasis’ next album, currently rumoured to have the working title of News Is Sad.

We’ve often wondered who the ‘and in other news…’ stories at the end of each bulletin were aimed at. Now, we’ll be able to envisage Noel Gallagher’s childlike delight as he beams on, his eyes as big as saucers, at a tiny kitten being rescued from a lemon tree. In fact, it’s rumoured that Oasis’ only demand for the backstage area of their concerts is that the YouTube video of Christian the Lion is played in a constant loop on 50-foot screens as the band look on, arms linked, holding a brave silence.

Instead of feeling down about the media coverage of the recession, perhaps Noel Gallagher should ask himself what he can do to help it? For example, Noel Gallagher, why not relocate a struggling family of five in your vast, Amazonian eyebrows? Why not test your song writing prowess and see if you can come up with a clever rhyme for ‘bankers’ in a benefit single? But, most importantly, please stop pilfering from aging musicians before Ringo Starr is discovered destitute, dressed in an old potato sack, eating cat food from his cold, bare hands.

This was a guest blog by Jamie Ross, the man who has been in so many newspapers recently that he may as well be a titty model. He writes Cancerous Capers. You’ll like it.

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But some things are still too much to cope with. Like lumpen, coasting indie music made by, in part, the bloke from Heavy Stereo, for instance. And that’s why China has banned Oasis from performing there.

The Chinese government’s official explanation for the Oasis ban is that Noel Gallagher performed at a Free Tibet concert in 1997, although we’ve heard rumours that actually Vice Premier in charge of agriculture Hui Liangyu banned them because he much prefers the music of The Bluetones.

In recent years, China has softened its stance on allowing Western acts to perform within its borders, which is probably a good idea because the last Chinese pop CD we bought made us want to chop off our testicles and plug our ears with them.

And, by and large, this has been a success. True, there’s been the odd upset along the way – like Bjork yelling out “TIBET!” like she was trying to stop it falling down an open manhole, and Sharon Stone being a gigantic dicksplat – but generally things have gone OK. The Rolling Stones have even performed in China, for crying out loud.

They can’t have gone down too well, though, because China has decided that it doesn’t want Oasis – essentially The Rolling Stones with less good songs – to play there.

That’s right, Oasis have been banned from China, either because of Noel Gallagher’s participation in a Free Tibet concert 12 years ago, or because anyone who likes Oasis in China can already buy Definitely Maybe on CD, which is better because it doesn’t have a piss-poor hour-long version of I Am The Walrus artlessly tacked on at the end of it like an Oasis concert would. But anyway, Billboard reports:

Officials within the Chinese Ministry of Culture only recently discovered that Noel Gallagher appeared at a Free Tibet benefit concert in New York City in 1997. “Oasis are extremely disappointed that they are now being prevented from undertaking their planned tour of mainland China and hope that the powers that be within China will reconsider their decision and allow the band to perform to their Chinese fans at some stage in the future.”

Oasis shouldn’t get downhearted about not being able to play in China. Jay-Z has also been banned by the Chinese government, so now they’ve got something else in common apart from being old and past their prime and not really liking each other very much. And being married to people from crappy girlbands. Actually, Jay-Z and Oasis have more in common than we thought. How odd.

Incidentally, does anyone happen to know if China has any restrictions on bad-tempered entertainment bloggers? Because if it means avoiding Oasis for the rest of our lives, we’ll be on a eastward-bound plane by dinnertime. And that’s a promise*.

*Not a promise.

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Instead of years of artistic exploration, they just decided to release their best album first and continue to bill new releases as “the best thing since sliced Definitely Maybe”. Only to disappoint every time.

Last year Oasis released their seventh studio album Dig Out Your Soul. To be fair, it did have its moments but nothing that pushed the creative boundaries. This obviously proved to push one man to dig out his anger by attacking Noel Gallagher when Oasis performed in Canada.

Because everyone in the world spends more time recording grainy footage on their phones than paying attention to gigs they pay over the odds for, the comedy attack on Noel Gallagher was captured on video. During a performance of Morning Glory, 47-year-old Daniel Sullivan crept onstage and gave the main force behind Oasis a good pasting.

Unless the attacker was extremely powerful, or Noel Gallagher doesn’t consume enough dairy products in his rock n roll lifestyle to produce strong and healthy bones, Noel fell to the floor and broke several ribs. But not enough for a local Chinese restaurant to extract them and create a special one-off Oasis spare rib dish with Mancunian sauce.

Because the incident was captured on video for the world to gawp at, the charge assault was brought against Sullivan. The video – which makes him an internet celebrity alongside Star Wars kid, the strange Leave Britney Alone guy and the fat man who dances to Romanian pop songs – sadly did nothing to stop the authorities bring extra charges against him.

This extra charge? Aggravated assault! We know, we aren’t completely sure either, but the NME confirms the grim news. Surely the charges should be dropped as he did the public a great service by twatting a loud-mouth bloke from Manchester who complains about everything. No?

Maybe the chords weren’t right when Don’t Look Back In Anger was played? Or perhaps Sullivan was sick of hearing about a band whose career wouldn’t have developed if it wasn’t for high profile spats with Blur, threatening to split up every other year, getting pissed at every opportunity, randomly having a go at other supposed famous people and sacking band members every four and a half minutes?

We don’t know, but when court day comes, we’re going to stand outside the courthouse with banners and party food to hopefully celebrate the judge’s decision to not bang him up for 14 years. At the moment that is the sentence hanging over his head. All because Noel Gallagher couldn’t live up to his hardman image.

Like Michael Jackson’s kiddie touching case, we’ll release an army of doves if Daniel Sullivan is found innocent.

Though with a credit crunch we may have to do with AIDS-ridden seagulls instead. Just don’t tell anyone. OK?

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These are some of the sounds that all boxers experience when they are in the ring and go through the procedure of splattering someone’s brain across the ring. Or, if you’re Mike Tyson, an opponent’s ear. On Saturday Amir Khan went down in an impressive 54 seconds thanks to Breidis Prescott and lost his unbeaten record. While he had a sore head, the people who paid £14.99 for the match will have probably been a bit annoyed. They could have literally been on the crapper and missed it.

Now, Noel Gallagher from Oasis isn’t someone we’d think indulge in boxing. Maybe in the past, but not now he’s turned into a grandad of rock n roll. Famously blaming video games for messing up the minds of the nation’s youth, we think he’d be more inclined for a steaming mug of tea and a pair of furry slippers. Even a couple of rich tea biscuits may push him over the edge.

Something that literally did push him over was a crazed fan when Oasis played a recent gig in Toronto. Why the fan showed his love by knocking him over rather than tattooing Noel Gallagher’s initials into his own testicles is beyond us. Anyway, for some comedy falling over by the Oasis bloke, watch the clip below. He gets shoved over around the 1:30 mark.

Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons:

1) It’s obviously bull-shit.

2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky.

3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkeys, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively Messianic assholes.

What Ricky should try is starting a war with that Johnny Borrell fella. It’d be a far fairer playing field; the prick-to-prick ratio would be much better balanced.

From the deep, dark depths of his own anus, Ricky Wilson spoke to The Sun:

Oasis have disappeared up their own arse. They think they are Led Zeppelin. They’re not.

Err…Led Zeppelin? What? Yes, it could be argued that Led Zeppelin have made the voyage up their own rectum from time to time, but they did write Stairway to Heaven, and were also capable of writing a song that wasn’t verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus, end.

They are therefore entitled to the occasional holiday up their arses.

Oasis too, it’s true, have on occasion made trips up their own jacksies, as all who can remember All Around The World will testify. But, dear Ricky, they did write Live Forever and, although living forever is a horrifying prospect, especially with the prospect of you clogging up the airwaves of eternity, it does qualify them for a visit.

You, however, wrote Ruby, and the only asshole you would do well to visit is hecklerspray’s, as our shit will rub sense into anyone.

Anyway, that’s enough arsehole talk for one post. Ricky Wilson added (brackets added by us, obviously):

Our new album is shaping up. I reckon it’s our best stuff yet (no huge achievement). I played it to our manager the other day, who has known us for over ten years (ten years! Wow! So what?), and a smile just spread across his face as soon as he heard it (the morons will lap up this, cha-ching!). He reckons that it’s the best material we have come up with. It isn’t finished but, in my mind, I know exactly where the vocals are going now and how it will sound (not hard to predict). Mark Ronson is producing the album (Mark Ronson! Fuckadoodledoo! Can Kaiser Chiefs be saved by the inclusion of a trumpet? No). He turned down a lot of people to work with us — a lot of big names, who I won’t mention (so modest of you Ricky). When he does that to work with us, we must be doing something well.

Yes, despite everything you do seem to sell a lot of records. The world, we are afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

Basically the point we’re trying to make is that this guy is twat.

Thanks for reading.

Read More – Kaiser Chiefs Ricky Wilson: ‘Oasis have disappeared up their own arse’ – NME

Weird. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes – as Oasis were recording their new album at Abbey Road studios, a crazed stalker type apparently tried burst in on them, spooking them so much that they've hired a team of policemen to guard the studio for the time being. Not much is known about the identity of Oasis' new stalker, although he reportedly accused Noel Gallagher of ripping off all his music and lyrics for the new Oasis album during the encounter.

With that in mind, police are seeking to question Paul McCartney, John Lennon, any of Slade or a time-travelling version of Noel Gallagher from 13 years ago. 

Oasis are the sort of band with fans who all think they're a bit crazed, when really they're just Ben Sherman-wearing Wetherspoon-dwelling meatheads with haircuts like Miles from This Life who start to cry like confused monkeys if they hear a song with more than three chords in it. Fans who say the word "proper" when they mean the word "large."

But, although you're technically able to classify anyone who awaits the new Oasis album with anything other than a shrug and a sinking heart as 'crazed', it takes something special to become a genuine, 100% scary, crazed Oasis stalker. Something as special as, say, claiming that you've written the new Oasis album yourself and Noel Gallagher has somehow stolen your thoughts and used them for his own good.

Funnily enough, that's what appears to have happened to Oasis, thanks to a young Greek man who wanted to confront Noel Gallagher about this alleged song-theft at Abbey Road studios last week, where Oasis are recording their new album. The world's most alarming cockney told The Sun:

"The guy showed up in a proper rage. He meant business and was clearly off his rocker. He claimed that he had written all this material that Noel had nicked off him for the new album. The fella was fuming and was threatening to beat Noel up over it all. He was cursing at staff and being really threatening so the cops were called in. He tried to force his way into the studio but couldn’t get through. He heard the police were coming and turned on his heels. By the time the bobbies got down there he had gone."

Noel Gallagher will have to be careful now he's got a stalker – because nobody really knows what type of stalker he is yet. He could be a Sandra Bullock-type stalker who'll try to run him over, or a John Cusack-style stalker who'll make all kinds of claims about how much he loves Noel Gallagher. Just so long as he isn't a Colin Farrell-style stalker – we never want to hear a song called I Fucked Noel Gallagher In His Ass on MySpace or anywhere else.

But, once again, we need to make it clear that Noel Gallagher needs to keeps his wits about him at all times now, because let's not forget that this stalker thinks that he's written Noel Gallagher's lyrics. And if a man can rhyme 'magic pie' with 'passer by' then there's no telling what other atrocities he's capable of.

Read more:

Noel Has To Get A Police Guard – The Sun