Hey! Comic nerds! Fancy picking holes in something? Then step right up, because we’ve got the newest teaser of the new web-slinging flick, The Amazing Spider-Man, which has been trailed at special preview events around the world.

The latest incarnation of Spiderman (it’s pronounced like a surname, etc) is played by Andrew Garfield, and we get to see the full thing – and berate it for not being quite right – in July.

So what can we expect? Well, this time ’round, we’ll see Peter Parker being bullied at school. Yep. Bullied like a big wimp. No wonder he had a chip on his shoulder. We also see the usual testing of web-firing gadgets and, better yet, the birth of the villainous Lizard played by Rhys Ifans (the one in the underpants in that film).

Director Marc Webb (apt name! He definitely hasn’t heard that one before) says:

“I think there are a lot of things from the Spider-Man canon that haven’t yet been explored cinematically. This movie really starts off with Peter Parker and his parents, which is something we’ve never really seen before, and I think that was something we were all really interested in exploring as filmmakers.”

Yes, but are we popcorn munching dimwits going to be interested in exploring it as viewers, huh?

Meanwhile, Emma Stone (who will be playing Gwen Stacey – Peter Parker’s other love interest away from the irritating MJ) told fans in Rio de Janeiro that Gwen and Mary Jane Watson (remember, she was played by Kirsten Dunst in the previous films) are “polar opposites,” while Rhys Ifans said in London that his character, Dr. Curt Connors, who becomes the Lizard, has “a very complex and emotional” link to Parker.

The bad news about this film is that it features music from the Rolling Stones and Coldplay.

Anyway, you have a look at this teaser and make your own stupid minds up. We’re sick of constantly wiping your arses for you and telling you what to think.

Seriously. Grow up.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 3D – Official Trailer /… by Lyricis

Hey! The Devil seems okay doesn’t he? Sure, some of his followers are a bit mental and go around killing people in his name and indulge in strange practises while praising him… just like Roman Catholics without the whole ‘child buggering’ thing.

Anyway, Reese Witherspoon has signed on to star in Devil’s Knot. That’s a forthcoming drama about the funny feeling Satan gets in his stomach when he sees a girl he fancies.

Actually, it isn’t. It’s much darker than that. In fact, it’s about murder and the only thing more sickened and twisted than the goat boy himself… THE AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEM.

That’s right!

It seems that our Reese hates those light-hearted films to pieces. On the back of doing Water for Elephants (starring human creosote, Robert Pattinson), romcom How Do You Know? and festive filum, Four Christmases, she’s decided to do something that… *gasp*may actually be interesting.

The film concerns the ‘West Memphis Three’ who were tried and convicted of the murders of three boys in Arkansas (pronounced ‘Ark And Sass’) in ’93.

If you remember (which you won’t because you’ve sniffed too many aerosols), it was a rather high profile trail which saw the prosecution pointing at some children and saying that they were killed as part of a satanic ritual.

Reese will play Pam Hobbs (Russell’s wife) who is the mother of one of the victims who initially believed the trio murdered her son before being persuaded that they are innocent and wrongly accused.

Nope. Us neither.

Distressingly, this story also features Eddie Vedder as he was championing a cause relating to this whole thing. We can’t be bothered to check, so we’ll just assume the bozo was campaigning for Satan.

Nice one.

For fans of slapstick comedy (hi there!) the old Three Stooges films were pretty much perfect. They were also terrifyingly violent, which of course, made them even more amusing! So what could possibly go wrong?

Well, how about the Farrelly brothers bringing it back and making a joyless modern adaptation?

Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro and Jim Carrey were lined up to play Larry, Moe and Curly and, wisely, they ran a million miles away from this obviously dreadful idea. Wanna see the trailer so you know how woeful it is?

The first trailer for the new film has arrived and stars Chris Diamantopoulos, Sean Hayes and Will Sasso in the lead roles.

WHO?

You may have seen the Farrelly Bros. films, such as There’s Something About Mary, and thought that it was all pretty base, but not awful thanks to a bit of heart and soul. You can’t say the same for this new Three Stooges flick as it features a lame iPhone gag, a lousy appearance from Snooki (from Jersey Shore) and a whole lotta tits and ass.

Dreck.

Of course, there’ll be nyuk nyuks and people’s eyes getting poked out… but really, there’s nothing going on that the original films didn’t do. And the old movies did it with a thousand times more heart by the looks of things.

Let’s compare and contrast in a arbitrary and unfair fashion shall we?

Three Stooges 2011 Trailer

Now, after watching that , see how the old Stooges took things way further. How about getting stabbed in the eye-socket, set on fire and your face put on a grinder? No modern film would allow such a thing!

Or, maybe you prefer screwdrivers in the eyeball or trying to saw an arm off for laughs? Either way, this new film has a lot to live up to or fear death by firing squad.

Look. Look at those Muppet swine. Legless, non-blinking, fix-faced idiots. They are responsible for the moral decay of the entire world, thanks mostly to everyone being despairingly angry about the existence of Muppet Babies.

Worse than the fact Kermit walks around naked all the time, is their awful, awful agenda.

And thank God Fox is on hand to point out how EVIL all the collected Muppets really are. That’s right! hecklerspray and Fox are onto you Henson spawn! We know what you’re up to! When you’re not pushing porn songs at everyone, you’ve got a political agenda to BRAINWASH our innocent little children’s minds with! You ain’t fooling us anymore, you cute little ghoulish lefties!

On the right-minded Fox Business Channel, anchor Eric Bolling showed a clip of the new Disney movie (yes, we’re worried too) and said outright that the whole storyline of the new Muppets film was a nauseating ploy to make our children hate things.

CONSPIRACY!

The whole thing is a vehicle to plant the seeds of class warfare among our precious wickle children! CLASS WARFARE! Why has no-one noticed before?

In their latest piece of propaganda, the Muppets showcase a nasty villain called Tex Richman. He’s an oil baron. As we all know, oil barons are nice people who just want to make an honest living.

Bolling asked:

“What’s actually going on there? Is liberal Hollywood using class warfare to brainwash our kids?”

Brave Bolling was echoed by guest Dan Gainor, who, like a champ, spat:

“They’ve been doing it for decades. Hollywood — they hate the oil industry, they hate corporate America.”

No wonder Occupy Wall Street and the like is happening. They’ve all been taken on a merry dance down the liberal garden path by these fuzzy liberal gits.

And now, at last, someone is prepared to stand up to this menace. Look at Gonzo. How on Earth could anyone not take him seriously?

Hang on.

Ever woke up in the morning and thought to yourself “Hey! You know what I’d like to see today? A fat Northerner stapling someone’s mouth to an anus while jerking himself off with sandpaper!” Have you?

Then chances are, you’re Tom Six, the director of The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), and barely anyone else.

See, the film has taken a hilarious £942 at the box office after opening in the UK last weekend. Basically, no-one wants to see it AND pay for it. We suspect that it has been streamed and downloaded online (uncut) more times than anyone settling down in a cheese smelling cinema has.

Of course, Tom Six will no doubt blame this dreadful showing on the fact that two minutes and 37 seconds removed from it so it could obtain an 18 certificate for release.

Fact is, like the first film, it was trying way too hard to show and people were pretty bored by the notion.

Six slammed censors the British Board of Film Classification’s (BBFC) when they rejected his movie in June.

He said:

“Apparently I made a horrific horror film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art.”

The first Human Centipede didn’t fare too well either, taking £6,145 in 2010. Basically, both films combined have made about enough profit to have a medium sized wedding.

How lovely.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Many saw the funny side of Patrick Swayze’s death because he played a ghost in a film. Those same people probably didn’t care much for Dirty Dancing, so thought they’d troll everyone who looked upset.

Much like those hooting at those wailing over pictures of Colonel Gaddafi at the moment. Basically, death brings out the comedian in everyone. LONG LIVE GALLOWS HUMOUR!

With that, have you seen Lisa Niemi? She’s Swayze’s widow. Grief can do weird things to a person and she’s been photographed doing something rather unsettling with a Patrick Swayze dummy.

Niemi unveiled Swayze’s creepy wax statue at Madame Tussauds in Hollywood and stroked his face like he was still alive.

Brrr.

In fairness, Niemi will still miss Swayze. They were married for 34 years and no amount of watching the sex scene from Roadhouse is ever going to bring him back.

She said:

“It became clear to me that someone had put a lot of love into this, for a man I loved so very much”

“He had this kind of mischievous, but confident look … and things like his core (were) very, very strong and they worked on his arms more, so it’s very detailed. There’s a lot of work that goes into this.”

Alright! Get a room!

Hey! That makes us wonder: Did Tussauds build a lifelike appendage on the wax dummy and let his widow have one last night with her husband?

God we hope so.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

It’s time for the release of Human Centipede 2! Hurray! How we love a romantic comedy about a crazy copycat torturer and self-pleasuring yourself with stuff purloined from the tool box while being shouted at by your mum!

Is Hugh Grant in it?

Anyway, as the film is getting shown (States only thus far, but Limey won’t have long to wait, don’t fret) and such, so we thought we’d give you some teasers in the shape of some stills from the film (they’re very pleasant) and the promotional poster (tastefully minging) for you to gawp at. Ready?

*WARNING* This article contains spoilers. Of course, anyone watching this film for a gripping plot is a complete idiot, but we have to say these things just in case.

If you don’t know the set-up, Human Centipede 2 follows Martin. Martin, like everyone called Martin, is a mentally disturbed loner. He lives with his mother who, the press release refers to as “his harridan mother”, which is just brilliant.

The lousiness of life pushes this victim of sexual and psychological abuse over the edge into a jolly, child-friendly romp where he turns his rubbish job as a security guard into a vehicle to indulge his obsession with The Human Centipede. Y’know, the first film?

Oh, and he makes a scrapbook, lovingly filled with memorabilia from the film, including the mouth-to-anus surgery instructions made famous by Dr. Heiter, the mad scientist from Martin’s favorite film (Care Bears: The Movie, a close second).

Anyway, Martin – like anyone – filled with abuse and haunting mental voices, goes about emulating Heiter’s centipede by creating his own version. He fills a warehouse with idiots like a loud neighbour, two drunk nightclubbers… and best of all, one of the actresses from The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

How hilarious is that?

Then, he gets out the duct tape, staple gun and household tools. Wanna see some pictures from it? Well first, we’ll give you the promotional poster, which is regrettably tasteful. Well, as tasteful as a big gnarly insect on someone’s genitals can be.

Here’s the stills.

images via IFC FILMS

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Hey divs! Great news! The romantic comedy, The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence, has been given a British Board of Film Classification today! How amazing is that? That means… well… you’ll illegally download it anyway as you’ll want to see all the nasty (funny) bits they hacked out.

Tom Six’s film – which to be perfectly honest, looks hilarious. A horror film set in the North of England with lousy acting? SIGN US UP! – has been given an 18 certificate, which means it can now be legally sold in the UK.

Of course, the BBFC had previously rejected the film, stating: “it is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.’ The BBFC also considered that The Human Centipede 2 may have even been in breach of the Obscene Publications Act or similar legislation.”

Yeah, right.

Naturally, this classification lark has been one big soap opera.

Tom Six and his production company had a protest against the initial decision (nice publicity), which saw the BBFC relenting after making some harsh edits (publicity for those guys too).

The BBFC have made 32 cuts to the film, which tot up to 2.37 minutes of what are presumably the funniest bits. We say funny, we mean So Vile That You Have To Laugh At Just How Much A Film Wants To Gross You Out. We’re assuming the climactic scene where our main character sexually assaults the lady on the end of the human centipede with barbed wire around his member won’t be in the edited version.

Weird huh? You can’t show things like that, but Jack Whitehall is allowed on our televisions at any ol’ time of day.

BBFC Director David Cooke originally said:

“the Board considered whether its concerns could be dealt with through cuts. However, given that the unacceptable content runs throughout the work, cuts are not a viable option in this case and the work is therefore refused a classification”.

But now, it’s gone through and left the door wide open for the Daily Mail to kick off a huge campaign against it, thereby ensuring that absolutely anyone with any sense ends up watching it.

We look forward to Human Centipede 3, starring John Waters and Jennifer Aniston.

[Source: BBFC]

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Michael Jackson’s Misery Concert Of Cash Cowdery And Crassery (or: Michael Forever Tribute) is going ahead next weekend in Cardiff, despite the fact that absolutely no-one from Michael’s family wants it to go ahead, for fear of distracting everyone from the trial of Dr Conrad Murray.

Wait. What’s that?

Sorry, nearly everyone in the Jackson family doesn’t want it to go ahead. So who is letting the side down and letting money come first? It couldn’t be anyone else! That’s right! It’s La Toya Jackson and she’s going to actually perform at the show too! What a gasping idiot.

So, just in case you need a catch up, this is where we’re at.

Michael Jackson died a couple of years ago and everyone is saying that Dr Conrad Murray manslaughtered one off all over the former King Of Pop with a hospital worth of Propofol. Okay?

Now, the whole family has been pretty angry that a tribute show is going ahead (in Wales, obviously a place hugely associated with Jackson) while the trial is going on and, worse still, the line-up of performers is weaker than MJ during the This Is It rehearsals.

So step forward La Toya, a woman who once said that Michael actually did touch some children inappropriately, stripped for Playboy, bailed on a series of shows at Moulin Rouge and appeared on British Celebrity Big Brother… now, to perform at a tribute gig that her siblings are on record as being squarely against.

Class.

She says:

“I have put musical performance behind me for roughly two decades, but there will never be another magical moment such as this to celebrate Michael with his fans to perpetuate the importance of his legacy. I am honoured to share the stage with the incredible performers in this line up and am certain that nothing would make my brother smile bigger or brighter than this tribute concert.”

“In speaking with my mother yesterday, I asked her where she thinks Michael would rather have us be, in this courtroom filled with negativity and lies or on a stage celebrating his music, his legacy and his life and she said without a second of thought, ‘Celebrating his Life with family and fans. I looking forward to putting on a great show and making my brother proud.”

We can only hope that she performs ‘Sexbox‘ because it’s got such a brilliant title.

Anyway, La Toya will join legends like… uuuh… Alien Ant Farm, 3T, Alexandra Burke, Pixie Lott and… ummm… Diversity.

It really is what Michael would’ve wanted. A boundary-pushing spectacle filled with the biggest, envelope-stretching stars.

Christ.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

How disappointing was The Human Centipede? Very, that’s what. It wasn’t even funny bad. It was just a marvellously disgusting idea executed badly. It was a veritable snoozefest that was watched by a million people illegally online just to see what the fuss was about.

At least Child’s Play managed to create some real life murderers.

And that’s the schtick for The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). And you can see the trailer for it over the jump. Again, it looks like it’ll make you puke, but we’ll reserve judgement ’til we’ve actually sat down and watched it.

The story of the new films follows a bug-eyed Northern Englishman (definitely from Yorkshire where the most psychotic, depraved lunatics hail from) who gets the horn (or, if you prefer, becomes sexually obsessed) with his DVD of the first Human Centipede film.

Loser.

Apparently, he uses sandpaper to pleasure himself whilst watching the film. Sounds like a laugh doesn’t it?

He then, of course, decides to create a human centipede of his own. However, he’s not mucking about as he wants to create one comprised of twelve victims as opposed to the first film’s lame-ass three.

You’ll be thrilled to learn that this gets him all excited and he takes great sexual pleasure in watching the victims of the centipede defecate in each other’s mouths.

Ticking all the OOOH, LET’S SHOCK EVERYONE! boxes, eh?

Oh, before we forget, there’s a cheery sign-off involving barbed wire, his member and… shall we say… something of an assault on the lady who is at the rear of the centipede.

Happy, happy… joy, joy.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Yes, yes… it’s all very well being cynical and cool all the time because it means that you never have to go out on a limb and say you like something that someone else may point out is entirely gash… but sometimes you really have to.

And surely even the most cold-hearted gitwurst couldn’t fail to be thawed by the antics of the characters on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show?

As such, there’s a new film out which looks really good that will make everyone on Earth cry tears of emotional joy all down their face. Ladies and Non-Ladies, let us point you in the direction of the trailer for the splendid looking Being Elmo.

Now, because we’re being nice, we totally understand if you think this is some kind of paid-for advertorial. It really isn’t.

We just really like Jim Henson.

And this new flick looks at the guy who plays Elmo and… aw shucks… we’re already welling up just remembering the trailer we just watched.

Drop the sarcasm and leave the sneering and hooting at the door.

This. Looks. Ace.

Being Elmo Trailer

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Over in America, Dr. Conrad Murray is being accused of administrating some mental sounding drugs into Michael Jackson and causing him to carry out his last boogie.

However, it isn’t just the remaining members of the Jacksons that he has to prove his innocence to. The singer’s children also want answers and then, we have the fans that all seem to have been touched by Michael in their own special way.

The Moonwalking For Justice trial is expected to last for months, but this hasn’t stopped a cultish gathering of Jackofans to gather in Cardiff on Saturday 8th August. There, the king of pop’s life will be celebrated whilst a man is still being tried. With both events happening at the same time, some say it’s a bit sickening. But hey, they’ll be mincing their words now. After all, the gig has been injected with totally mad and uber kewl Fearne Cotton. Who wouldn’t want to go?

Don’t know who Fearne Cotton is? For non UK residents, she presents a mid-morning radio show where she educates the nation’s youth with brand new and exciting music that isn’t playlisted or dictated for her to play. At all. No way.

Now and then, she’ll play some rock music because she likes that sort of stuff. And tattoos. We’re constantly reminded that someone has permanently etched a Chinese symbol on to the back of her neck which probably says ‘Totally rad!’ or ‘Genius’ because, according to Fearne, all the music that passes her vacant glare is ‘genius’.

But it’s not just music that Fearne is a fan of. She’s bang into fashion and has been involved with all sorts of launches. Entire blogs are set up in honour of the DJ where they scrutinise every last detail of her apple green pumps against stone washed denim jeggings and orange tinged sunglasses.

Gnarly dude!

Like any media type, Fearne Cotton loved Michael Jackson.

“I was always a massive fan of Michael Jackson himself. Without him there’s a whole generation of performers and entertainers who might never have got their break in music. His contribution was crucial and his premature death a complete tragedy.”

Really?

Paula Abdul got her break via Michael and… uuh… umm… aaah… well… that’s it. Fearne Cotton thinks MJ is worth paying tribute to – for money – based solely on the existence of Paula Abdul and possibly 3T?

*prepares noose*

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

As a doctor, presumably you know when a human is a lost cause. That’s why Dignitas exists, right? And so, if the rumours that Michael Jackson was knocking back Propofol like milk, he probably thought ‘sod it’.

And who can blame him?

During the Moonwalking for Justice trial, it seems that MJ was dying in his bedroom while Dr. Conrad Murray spent 45 minutes on the telephone, calling a cocktail waitress (according to the prosecution). He probably wanted a Long Island Iced Tea or something from doing all that hard work staring at Jackson’s increasingly peculiar face.

The medic has been accused of making five calls to friends and for business purposes after he allegedly administered a 25mg dose of anaesthetic Propofol to the singer at 10.40am on June 25, 2009.

Remember that night? God that was weird wasn’t it? It was Glastonbury weekend and the syphilitic swines in the Somerset mud all heard the typical Dead Sleb rumour and passed off Jackson’s death as a hoax while the rest of us pressed REFRESH on TMZ and more reputable news sources.

Anyway, back to the trial, and the gallery was an autograph hunters’ wet-dream, occupied by Michael’s family – Katherine, Joe, Janet, La Toya, Tito, Randy and Jermaine.

Jackie, Randy and Marlon couldn’t be bothered turning up it would appear.

They all looked on with their surgery enhanced eye-sockets, while the prosecution and defence gave their opening statements in Dr. Murray’s trial yesterday.

They heard a load of boring stuff about the time of this, that and the other… the best bit being that Jackson died so quickly that he didn’t even have time to close his own eyes. That said, you could easily argue that the C. Montgomery Burns of Pop actually had a lackey to do that job for him.

The defence team, meanwhile, are still pointing at Michael’s ghost (as seen on CNN) and mouthing the words “he did it himself. Look at him. He’s a weirdo.’

What we want to know is what the cocktail was like!

The trial/circus continues.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine.

We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not to mention the champion hurdler Colin and Hobbit botherer, Peter.

What a family! However, Michael Jackson’s son is not like the rest of his clan. He’s ‘nervous’ about testifying in the trial related to his dad’s death.

Apparently, the former King of Pop’s eldest children – Prince and Paris (not to be confused with the singer Prince and the city of Paris) -  are both understood to be completely determined to give evidence after Michael died from… drum roll please… acute Propofol intoxication!

We’ve tapped out the word Propofol so many times since 2009 that we honestly feel like we have a decent case to get some kind of royalty.

A man who hasn’t exactly done the brand any favours is doctor Conrad Murray who has been charged with involuntary manslaughter.

Murder by medicine if you will. That’s not a legal term we’ll point out. We’re just trying to make a catchy buzzphrase that will take-off. You can have that one for free if you write a dreadful book about the whole Jackson’s Corpse v. Murray trial.

AAAAANYWAY.

Prince and Paris were both eyewitnesses to, ostensibly, their ‘dad’ dying. They watched him cease to be on the bedroom floor which is enough to ensure they’ll grow up warped. Well,  Katherine Jackson did say that her grandchildren were going to grow up just like their father.

It’s reported that sources close to Prince say the 14-year-old is nervous and worried that if he’s called to the stand he might get flustered and mess up,’

The trial against Murray begins today in Los Angeles

It has been reported that if Prince (again, not to be confused with the singer of the same name – it really is making the whole thing stupidly confusing) does give evidence, the lawyers may well clear the courtroom so his nerves don’t get the better of him.

If the court isn’t cleared, then Joe Jackson will get a performance by beating the living shit out of the poor tyke and throwing him into the spotlight. POSSIBLY.

Interestingly, one story that’s not being talked about much – the one we like the best because it has a filthy air of mystery about it – is that the fingerprints found on the syringe that killed MJ haven’t been identified and that they apparently don’t belong to Murray or any member of Michael’s family or staff.

Conspiracy theorists reckon it’s a ‘Mr. X’ who dished out the lethal dose and fled the scene of the crime with over $1 million in cash in their back pocket.

It definitely wasn’t us, okay?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, roll up for what promises to be the greatest court case spectacle that the world has ever seen!

In the UK, we only get hastily sketched drawings of court proceedings, sometimes making us think that cartoon characters actually carry out heinous crimes. But in America, good old fashioned family time can be spent watching an alleged murderer on TV! AMAZING!

We’re not sure if the court case brought against Dr. Conrad Murray will suffer a similar fate, but after endless delays and arguments, the trial is set to go ahead. No doubt it’ll drag on forever and the eventual outcome will be appealed, but for now, everything is running correctly. One of the most difficult tasks was the jury selection process and, after months of screening potential jurors, twelve have been selected. Are there any questionable doubts? Of course there are, stupid. It is a Michael Jackson trial after all.

Normally, a jury selection process is a piece of cake. In high profile cases like murder, the likelihood is that members of the jury will be called in from different cities around the country. Or if you live in America, from a different states. But in the “Moonwalking For Justice Trial” where Dr.Conrad Murray has to convince everyone he didn’t let the singer do a boogie on the floor after his brain and heart were tripping out, this can be a little bit tricky.

How do you remain impartial to the death of a world famous musician who has not only been making records since the sixties, but has a money-sucking family exploiting his name after his death? It’s quite difficult, especially because Jackson died two years ago and multiple reports and opinions have been knocking around.

So who is on the jury then? It’s been reported that:

“The trial of Michael Jackson’s former doctor Dr Conrad Murray will face a jury of 12 people, it has emerged. It will feature, among others, a male who briefly met the singer when working at a Disney Theme Park in 1980, a bookseller, a school bus driver and a professor.”

Hold on a doggone second! A male who briefly met the singer at Disneyland?! It’s a given that Jackson regarded him as a nobody but we would’ve thought that any minimal contact or interaction with the person at the centre of the trial would be an issue.

If this was a life changing experience for the individual, then chances are his opinion on Dr. Conrad Murray will be a little biased. We assume they’ll see Murray as some kinda cold hearted evil murderer. After all, this is under the proviso that all his fans are missing a few screws. Jacksonites continually tell us that the king of pop touched a lot of peoples lives.

[insert child molestation court case joke here]

The only way that the “Moonwalking For Justice” trial won’t go ahead as planned will be if Dr. Conrad Murray falls sick and can’t attend, which would be ironic. If news of this got out, we’re sure that a mentalist Michael Jackson fan impersonating a doctor would be on hand to administer some sort of wacko cocktail of drugs to Murray instead of making his headache go away.

Either way, let the circus begin!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!