Despite technically being her biological father, Billy-Ray has always seemed to have been a sort of peripheral figure in the life of Miley Cyrus. We, like most people, just assumed that this squealing, garishly coloured infant that was thrust onto our screens/music charts/cinemas/nightmares a few years ago was grown organically in one of Disney’s many factories, like all teen stars. Possibly incubated in pork render, agar, MSG, and ‘fairy dust’ (which is the trademarked term they use for the last remaining precious spoonfuls of Uncle Walts ejaculate, apparently).

So imagine our surprise when we learnt that it was none other than the combination of the by product of a faux cowboy’s testicles and a genuine human woman’s warm embracing vagina that were contracted out to design and produce her. Under the aegis of the Disney corporation, obviously (probably).

Because of this embarrassing start to life, Miley has tried to distance herself from the biological process that marks her out from the rest of Disney and shown almost no emotional response to her ‘parents’. Until now.

Not only has see been shown demonstrating an emotion, she is apparently ‘furious’. This shows us three things.

1. That she has clearly broken free of her handler

2. That Disney has seen fit to upgrade her ‘demonstrable human emotion chip’ to level II

3. The teasing she must already get from the unbiologically grown Disney properties is just going to get worse. Seriously, you’d never get this level of emotion from good Disney children like the Jonas Brothers.

So what did her (technical) father do? Only gave a bloody interview to GQ where he wheezed out that he:

blamed the Disney series for “destroying” his family and causing his daughter to “go off the track”

The track he is referring to is probably where she started singing ‘Warpigs’ in the middle of ‘Can’t Be Tamed’ during a live performance in Berlin. Either that or all the druggy revelations, and the tattoo, and the racisty slurs, and the lap dance, and the nude photos. All that stuff.

All of which was of course Disney’s fault.

She’s clearly malfunctioning and needs to be taken back to the Disney upgrade center where she can be stripped and given a complete overhaul, cleaned, undrugged pipes, a new purity chip, the whole works.

Basically, they need to give her a complete doing over and stick their large manly tools in every available socket until she’s drained and helpless and possibly gasping for more.

Normally, we’d apologise for the double entendre there, but you know what? Sod it, she’s legal. Go nuts.

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Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus as she's known in real life, isn't actually called Miley Cyrus – she was born with the name Destiny Hope Cyrus. But Miley Cyrus isn't called that now, either.

Sorry, that was confusing. Look – Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana in the TV show Hanna Montana, has just changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus because her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus and everyone called her Miley Cyrus anyway and she liked the 'Ray' part of her Dad's name.

There, that's cleared all the confusion up.

If you've got children, chances are you know who Miley Cyrus is because your children do nothing but watch her TV show over and over again and again and again like gawping attention span-deficient monkeys. And even if you don't know who Miley Cyrus is, you should probably learn, because she's the sort of ultra-focused, all-singing all-dancing teenage sensation who'll either take over the planet or end up driving her car the wrong way up a motorway on drugs. Either way, you'd do well to remember her name.

Actually, no, don't remember Miley Cyrus' name. Because she's not called Miley Cyrus any more – she's just officially changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus.

Why? Well, it might be because Miley Ray Cyrus' dad is rootin' tootin' early 90s rat-haired achy breaky cowboy Billy Ray Cyrus and she wants to do everything she can to remind people of that, presumably because she enjoys being pelted with bits of old fruit. Star reports:

Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. Her birth name was Destiny Hope Cyrus. She changed her moniker to reflect her nickname and honor her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. 

Destiny Hope Cyrus? Wow, no wonder Miley decided to change her name – was she originally named after a shop that sells dreamcatchers? And now that Miley Cyrus has changed her name, it can only be a matter of time before all her brothers and sisters – like Accomplishment Optimism Cyrus, Self-Esteem Tenacity Cyrus, Glorious Eaglevision Cyrus and Braison Chance Cyrus – do the same. Braison Chance is real, by the way. We know.

The confusion isn't over just yet, though - Miley Ray Cyrus' body double still has to work out what her name is – but once that's over, Miley will be able to start her life afresh. After all, if the knowledge that she's not explicitly sexually active won't stop the creepy middle-aged perverts from hitting on her, then perhaps the subtle reminder that she might grow up to look like Billy Ray Cyrus will.

Read more:

Miley's Name Change – Star