However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual ‘10 Hottest Tots’ lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.

And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.

This is turning out to be quite the year for the stars of hopeless pre-9/11 ‘terrorists are cool’ movie Swordfish. Halle Berry was named the sexiest women alive last month and Hugh Jackman was named the sexiest man alive yesterday. But sadly Swordfish can’t make the hat-trick, because it didn’t have any sexy children in it.

No, not sexy. Powerful. We meant powerful. Swordfish didn’t have any powerful children in it. If only they’d thought to prenatally cast young Suri Cruise in it, glory would have been theirs alone.

That’s because Suri Cruise has been named by Forbes magazine as the most powerful celebrity child aged under five on Earth in a slightly inappropriate-seeming list entitled ‘10 Hottest Tots’. Reuters explains why:

Suri received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown child and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles, which can help shape public opinion about her parents while also fuelling demand for what she wears, plays with and eats.

You see, Suri Cruise isn’t just the suspiciously adorable child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nor an everlasting monument to Katie Holmes’ stolen pre-marital virginity, nor a tiny bag of skin who has already gained more household rights than her mother, including reduced cage-time, access to water that doesn’t necessarily come from a rabbit feeder and the right to briefly look Tom Cruise in the eye when speaking to him. Suri Cruise is an opinion former.

We’re not entirely sure what this means – perhaps she’ll get her own E! reality show soon, or maybe she’ll start publishing her own Oprah-style vanity magazine – but magazine editors are already suggesting that Suri Cruise will become even more famous in the coming year. That’s partly because people would rather look at pictures of cute toddlers than fret about their lack of money, and partly because they really want Suri Cruise to understand that her life will peak at the age of two and the rest of her time on Earth will basically be a grey icy relentless downward slope to death.

But if Suri Cruise is number one, what of the other nine of the top 10 hottest tots named by Forbes? Well, OK, since you asked:

2 – Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

3 – Zahara Jolie-Pitt

4 – Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt

5 – Sam Alexis Woods

6 – Cruz Beckham

7 – Matilda Rose Ledger

8 – David Banda

9 – Sean Preston Federline

10 – Sam Sheen

We know what you’re thinking. No, not that someone should inform the Monopolies Commission about all the Jolie-Pitt kids fouling up the top 10, but how disappointing it is that Matilda Rose Ledger is languishing down in seventh place.

Really Matilda, we know your father died this year in tragic circumstances, but we’re really starting to think that you don’t care about how hot Forbes magazine thinks you are. It’s a disgrace. Buck up your ideas next time, you stupid three-year-old idiot.

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For the last 35 years, the highlight of January has been Mr Blackwell’s worst-dressed list – a bewilderingly written, mostly-alliterative rhyme-heavy blizzard of celebrity nastiness that couldn’t have sounded any more camp if it was read aloud by a talking buttplug in a feather boa at a Cher concert.

But Mr Blackwell won’t be writing a worst-dressed list for 2009, because Mr Blackwell has died of complications from an intestinal infection. It’s a sad day for sure but, who knows, maybe one day scientists will find some of Mr Blackwell’s blood inside a mosquito that’s been trapped in amber and splice his DNA with frogs to create a theme park where all the exhibits run around telling you that your blouse looks crap.

Mr Blackwell was a myth wrapped in an enigma. You might occasionally think of yourself as a myth wrapped in an enigma too, but chances are that if you are, Mr Blackwell would have noticed the enigma you’re dressed in and called it ‘enig-moronic overkill that’s simply over-the-hill – a tacky terror from head to toe’. Because that’s just what Mr Blackwell did. Every single bloody year.

Not any more, though, because even though his annual worst-dressed list was the basis for the story we most look forward to writing every single year, he’s died. What a selfish old bastard. AP reports:

Mr. Blackwell, the acerbic designer whose annual worst-dressed list skewered the fashion felonies of celebrities from Zsa Zsa Gabor to Britney Spears, has died. He was 86. Blackwell died Sunday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center of complications from an intestinal infection, publicist Harlan Boll said.

While Mr Blackwell will be best-remembered for his worst-dressed list – the influence of which can be felt everywhere, from fashion magazines to every single Sex And The City script to websites like this – that’s not all Mr Blackwell did with his life. He says he invented jeans for women, for example, plus he used to be a prostitute. And, um, that’s about it.

But without Mr Blackwell and his worst-dressed list, the world will be a sadder, more alliteration-free place. Now is not the time to be upset by this news, though – by dying now, Mr Blackwell has left us one of the greatest gifts we think we’ve ever been given.

Because he wasn’t able to update his worst-dressed list before he passed away, Mr Blackwell has effectively made sure that Victoria Beckham will be the worst-dressed woman until the end of time itself.

We’re misty-eyed with gratitude.

So imagine our delight when we discovered that Vanity Fair has just published its international best-dressed list for 2008. A big list of people who are primarily best-known for being able to buy, choose and wear clothes without ending up looking like big a pile of sweaty bumrags? Who wouldn’t love that!

Especially when the Vanity Fair best-dressed list contains such notable names from the world of entertainment as three-time Academy Award-winner Barack Obama’s wife, multi-platinum recording artist Prince William’s girlfriend and regional puppy-juggling contest semi-finalist Nicolas Sarkozy’s missus. Boy, do they know how to wear clothes adequately.

We never thought we’d ever say this – and we’d happily take a slap on the cheek from any of you for saying it – but don’t you miss Kate Moss?

No, us neither most neither most of the time to be honest. But now that Kate Moss has been usurped as supermodel du jour by that funny-looking Agyness woman, it makes things a lot more uncertain when best-dressed lists rolled around.

Time was when you knew that Kate Moss would be named as the world’s best-dressed woman no matter what magazine was publishing the list. But she’s not around so much any more, so who else is there to call best-dressed?

Michelle Obama, apparently. According to the just-out Vanity Fair best-dressed list, Barack Obama’s wife Michelle literally wears clothes better than anyone else on the face of the earth. Forget lobbying for universal healthcare, it’s deeply important that potential first ladies know which way up a blouse goes.

Anyway, why did Vanity Fair call Michelle Obama the best-dressed person in the world?

“Because she’s our commander in sheath.”

What? Seriously, that’s your reason? Because she’s your commander in sheath? What does that even mean? Isn’t a sheath a condom? You like Michelle Obama because she wears condoms? That’s such an odd thing to say, Vanity Fair.

But never mind. You like Michelle Obama because sometimes she walks around in giant person-sized condoms. That’s fine. Who else is on the list? Carla Bruni? Why is she there?

“Because we like her French twist.”

OK, we sort of get it. She is French, after all. You’re forgiven, Vanity Fair. Who else? Kate Middleton?

“Because we’re throwing her hats in the ring.”

You’re what? What ring? Does Kate Middleton wear a lot of hats? Is she famous for that? Why are you throwing her hats into the ring? Because you like them or because you don’t like them? You need to explain yourself a bit better, Vanity Fair. But, hey, at least you put some thought into your reasoning. It’s not like you just rattled off the first rubbish pun based on her name that you could think of. That’d be awful, it really would. Wait, what’s this?

BROTHERS ANDREA and PIETRO CLEMENTE “Because they’re the crème de Clemente.”

MORLEY SAFER “Because he always plays it Safer.”

IRIS APFEL “Because she’s the Apfel of our eye.”

SISTERS ALEXANDRA KOTUR and FIONA KOTUR MARIN “Because they’re Koturs de force.”

BRYAN LOURD “Because he is the Lourd of the manner.”

Oh fuck off, Vanity Fair. Just fuck off.

And just so Hollywood can stop embarrassing itself by getting constant refusals from them, they’re inventing a list of guidelines as to what types of films would be considered good film-on-site Vatican-worthy cinema.

It begs to question exactly what films ol’ V-town would find acceptable to film in their churches. Clearly Angels and Demons is out, but would they have allowed Darth Vader to cut off Luke’s hand in the chapel? Would Big Trouble have been permitted in their Little China? Would our mother and step-dad be able to make love in any of the 16 feature length films we’re currently making about how they first met, for each of which the manuscript is over 1000 pages long?

These are the questions that spring readily to mind.

Two movies that clearly will never get a Vatican screening are Angels and Demons, and the Golden Compass. The first for questionable Catholic sentiment, the latter for overall lack of quality. Also they’ll probably never watch any films with the word Debbie, Dallas or does in the title.

And if you’ve been intending to film on their property, well you’d better forget about it. Unless of course your script has something to do with Saul, Paul or that one Cardinal that lifted an entire mountain to give his people safe-passage from the barbaric heathens.

Reuters sheds some light on this mysterious Vatican list:

“The Vatican said Wednesday that it is working on a set of guidelines for what it considers “good cinema.” Priest Marco Fibbi, a spokesman for the Diocese of Rome, said Wednesday that the church was working on a set of guidelines that will determine whether a film contains the “proper” religious sentiment.”

Now just you keep in mind that this list is a work in progress – who knows what’ll be on it. We just hope the makers of Hellboy 3: Hellboy Lovingly Caresses The Pope Because The Two Love Each Other Endlessly didn’t have any particular scenes absolutely depending on location shoots.

To read more, see “Vatican weighing in on “good cinema” on Yahoo News

You only need look at the excitement caused by Benicio Del Toro’s new film The Wolfman to realise how much we love stories about lycanthropes.

But why are we so fascinated by movies about people who change into man-eating wolves every full moon? It can’t be because we think we could all do with more hair, sharper teeth and a dog-like snout. Although, it’s a look that hasn’t done Sarah Jessica Parker’s career any harm at all. It’s probably something to do with unleashing the beast – something the hecklerspray crew tries to do every Friday night without fail. Of course, Hollywood has tried to tap into this curiosity on many occasions. However, very few filmmakers get it right.

Werewolves are slightly more demanding on special effects artists than zombies or vampires. While all you have to do with the other two is slap on some white make-up and you’re halfway there, changing into a half-man, half-beast demands a little more work. And let’s face it, most of them get it wrong. Even Jack Nicholson couldn’t save Wolf.

Anyway, here’s the list. Enjoy!

8. The Company of Wolves (1984)

Neil Jordan’s 1984 re-imagining of Little Red Riding Hood has little to do with the folklore of werewolves and more to do with Catholic anxiety over adolescent sexuality. Although the Gallagher brothers are visible proof you can never trust a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle.

7. Wolfen

If you’ve never seen this film, get it out now. Simply brilliant.

6. Ginger Snaps

Possibly the most misleading title of a film ever, but, then again, The Girl Who Had An Horrific First Period (you have to see the film to understand that reference) wouldn’t have sold many tickets. One of the best cult movies of recent years.

5. Teen Wolf

We had no idea werewolves were good at basketball until we saw this film.

4. Underworld

OK, this is just another excuse to stick a leather-clad Kate Beckinsale on the site.

3. The Howling

Even to this day, Joe Dante’s film is genuinely scary.

2. Dog Soldiers

Only just pipped to the top spot by An American Werewolf in London. Delivers frights and laughs in equal measure. Our favourite bit: “I hope I give you the shits.”

1. An American Werewolf in London

Simply the best-ever horror film ever made. It’s incredible that even with all of the advancements in technology in recent years, the transformation scene is still head and shoulders above anything else that has come since. So what’s our favourite bit? Well, it’s either the Slaughtered Lamb (we’ve all been in pubs where everyone stops what they’re doing to look at you) or the Nazi dream sequence.

But something worries us – the next Guitar Hero expansion pack is going to be about Aerosmith alone. And, obviously, the trouble with that is that Aerosmith are a giant sack of donkey bums. By copping out this badly, Neversoft had better pull its finger out and make sure that Guitar Hero 4 is full of songs that don't make us want to lose the will to live. Songs like these.

You might not agree with some of these choices – and you definitely won't agree with all of them – so feel free to leave any other suggestions you have in the comment box. Meanwhile, here's our massively subjective list of songs that deserve to be included in Guitar Hero 4…

10 – The Bronx, White Guilt

Part of the appeal of Guitar Hero undoubtedly comes from flouncing around your living room with a gruesome pout plastered across your face, and White Guilt is a song that'd let you do that in spades. Like a distilled, updated Guns 'N Roses, it's got enough strut to please the hair metal fans, enough rawness to please the punks and exactly the right tone to fit Guitar Hero's classic rock mandate. And if completing it could unlock a homeless rabbit costume then that'd be even better.

9 – Steely Dan, Reelin' In The Years

Steely Dan. You heard. Now, before you start threatening to string us up by our nutsacks for blaspheming in such an awful way, just hear us out. There's a certain type of Guitar Hero 3 player – let's call them 'wankers' – who enjoy nothing more than going online and filling up their side of the setlist with Through The Fire And Flames again and again even though a) the song's shit and b) they're horrible BO-stinking metal fans who know that they'll beat you because they never do anything else. The best weapon to retaliate with? That's right, the sodding Dan. Plus, you can't deny that you secretly want to have a go at the solo two minutes in.

8 – Beck, E-Pro

Not Beck's best song by a long stretch, but it's easy and beginner-friendly – and it beats the shit out of Slow Ride, wouldn't you say?

7 – Duelling Banjos

The song that multiplayer Guitar Hero was made for, frankly. Plus, if you play Guitar Hero as much as some of the people we know do, there's a strong chance that you're probably starting to look quite inbred. Hacked here for Guitar Hero 2, but surely it’s time for an official release.

6 – Lou Reed, White Light White Heat (Live) Hear sample

No, not the Velvet Underground original – the live version from 1974's Rock N Roll Animal. The version where Lou Reed takes everything that was good about the original, throws it in the bin and covers whatever's left with widdly guitars. And yodelling. We feel the widdly guitars/yodelling combination has been sorely overlooked on Guitar Hero thus far.

5 – Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, Real Emotional Trash

We've always though it'd be nice if Guitar Hero had a long multipart song in it that wasn't One by Metallica because, you know, it's One by Metallica for God's sake. Nobody wants to listen to that more than a couple of times a decade. So instead, why not use the title track from Stephen Malkmus' new album? Starts off fiddly and quiet, quickly turns into a tendon-snapping wig-out and then collapses into an exhausted heap at the end. Probably like you would if you managed to get a perfect score on expert with it.

4 – Love, Orange Skies

Guitar Hero shouldn't be exclusively about neck-snapping rock, and Orange Skies would offer the lushest of pace-changes. It's laid-back, not insultingly easy to play and, well, just listen to it. It's bloody lovely.

3 – Iron Maiden, Run To The Hills

Not exactly giant Iron Maiden fans around here, but even we can't shake the suspicion that Guitar Hero fans travelled back in time and gave Run To The Hills to Iron Maiden just because it'd be so much fun to play on Guitar Hero. And, yes, we know it's on Rock Band. But we haven't bloody got Rock Band, have we?

2 – Dinosaur Jr, Almost Ready

Quite honestly, any Dinosaur Jr song ever recorded would make us play Guitar Hero until our arms fell off, but after a long period of contemplation we've decided to offer Almost Ready – the opener to last year's comeback Beyond album. You'd have to be an idiot not to see why – the intro alone would test the fiercest Guitar Hero player, not to mention all the freefalling solos. Look at David Letterman's face at the end – if he likes Almost Ready then Guitar Hero definitely would.

1 – Magazine, Shot By Both Sides

How this hasn't made it onto a Guitar Hero instalment yet beggars belief. Listen to that solo. Listen to it. Now imagine hitting a bunch of coloured buttons in time along with it. Feels good, doesn't it? And then there's the chorus – tricky, but not tricky enough to stop you windmilling your arms around with one foot on the coffee table at the same time. Guitar Hero people – we urge you, stick this on Guitar Hero 4. We'll love you forever for it. And isn't our love the reason why you got into this crazy business in the first place?

Why? Because according to a list in today's Observer, hecklerspray is the 45th most powerful blog in the world. Yes, the world. Take that, blogs from Argentina and eastern Europe – today we wear a crown made from your broken dreams. Hecklerspray is powerful, like a tank or a bear or something.

You can see The Observer's 50 most powerful blog list in full here, including the bit where it says we're good. We knew that tainting a newspaper's water supply with mercury would eventually pay off. We knew it.

Honestly, we don't think we've ever been so flattered. There are some very good blogs in the list, along with a couple of ropey ones. And – if first is gold and second is silver – then what sort of medal will 45th place get us? One made of milk bottle tops? A discarded condom wrapper? Depleted weapons-grade uranium? Hooray for us!

Yes, like it or lump it, no one can avoid an occasional bad hair day once in a while, but when it's an actor's and it's plastered on screen, it's quite frankly irreversible, unless of course someone comes up with a little CGI jiggery-pokery to cover up the split ends.

But who would want to destroy the retrospective fun we can have here? So without further a do, let us present to you hecklerspray's Top 10 Worst Cinematic Hairdos…

10. Mark Hamill in Star Wars (1977)

In addition to the hairy pasties modelled by Leia, hideous 70s side-burns of Han Solo, hair-piece donned by Obi-Wan, 'walking-carpet' that is Chewbacca, and the 'out-of-bed-messy-look' that Luke Skywalker's hero favours here, there should be enough damaging evidence to justify a Death Star attack on the intergalactic hairdressers involved. At least Darth Vader had the sense to remain hidden under a mask, until his baldy scalp made an appearance in The Empire Strikes Back.

9. Christopher Lee in The Wicker Man (1973)

Not so much aimed at the 'boarding on a David Dickinson' mullet and sideburns that Lee sports for the majority of the film, but the courageously game 'Cher style' elongated black wig he throws on during the climatic carnival parade – frighteningly ghoulish and rip-roaring hilarious in equal measure!

8. Melanie Griffith & Joan Cusack in Working Girl (1988)

What was it with BIG hair in the 80s? Not content with the shoulder pads, power suits, hideous fake tans and clown-friendly makeup, women had to additionally don environmentally unfriendly hairstyles that must have required a dozen cans of hairspray to sculpt. Luckily, Griffith trims off her tyrannical tresses early on, but supporting sidekick Joan Cusack's equally dire mane is an unfortunate lasting reminder.

7. Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men (2007)

OK, so it does somehow lend an appropriately eerie and surreal resonance to Cormac McCarthy's emotionless psychopathic creation, but it's still appalling, deserving special mention here because it eerily recalls Richard 'Jaws' Kiel's real life hairstyle at a recent Bond convention.

6. Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

If you thought Gerard Butler's 'Jeff Goldblum in The Fly' trim was bad enough in Dracula 2000 think again! Oldman's Count sports a beehive that pushes the boundaries in aesthetic respectability in addition to overshadowing even Bet Lynch's towering structure.

5. John Travolta in Battlefield Earth (2000)

Travolta's trite stab at a producer credit was nothing compared to the hulk of shit of a hairstyle he and (to a marginally lesser degree) his co-stars had to flaunt in this infamously bad sci-fi travesty. The result: like splicing together the bed-hair of a Klingon and adding mounds of tagliatelle but with extra nasal hair definition for startlingly effect.

4. Sigourney Weaver in Aliens (1986)

Rivalling the Deirdre Barlow perm, Weaver flaunts a hair incarnation that is even worse than her disastrous alternative longer locks in the original Alien film. However, this is still a worthy contender for worst intergalactic trim. Wisely, she completely shaved it all off for Alien 3, but perhaps she could have fared better with the aliens has it been intact, as those fleeting xenomorphic creatures were probably scarred shitless when originally confronted with that killer perm creation.

3. Natalie Portman in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

At least you find out the horrendous hairstyle origin is in the dodgy family genes. Princess Leia sticking two-ringed hairy donuts on the side of her head was nothing compared to what her young mother used to do when she was in power in the good old days: swanking around like a peacock flaunting an audacious array of incomprehensible hairstyles that are screaming out for a Nicky Clarke.

2. Donald Sutherland in Don't Look Now (1973)

The male perm was perhaps all the rage back in the 70s, but now, 35 years on, Sutherland's locks look more like something even a bird would hesitate to nest in. When it makes its first appearance it's almost as shockingly jarring as that climatic killer red dwarf attack, and is arguably the only thing that ages this otherwise flawless horror classic.

1. Tom Hanks in The Da Vinci Code (2006)

 
Hanks recently defended his comedic hair-do in this Ron Howard mystery thriller by likening it to U2 frontman Bono's trim. But, we're afraid that's a sorry miscalculation, rather like most of the other details that are maddening astray in the adaptation of Dan Brown's bestseller. In fact, it's difficult to take any of Hanks' murmurings in the film seriously when you're convinced his character, Robert Langdon, is stuck in a 80s hair-time warp, which appears harder to fathom than a Rubik cube.

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer] 

Oh, and the fact that Hollywood hasn't come up with any original ideas for years. And when they do they want to make the most of it. But sometimes sequels can actually eclipse the original.

It's certainly rare. For every Godfather Part II there is a Speed 2, Ocean's 12 and Another 48 Hours waiting in the wings. For God's sake, this was going to be a a top 10, but we could only think of five.

But anyway, here goes:

5. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Irvin Kershner

Geeks all around the world have been battling with this tricky question for years (or is that light years?) Is The Empire Strikes Back better than Star Wars?

Frankly, get a life.

We would say, as a kid, we probably preferred the original. It's got more action in it; it's got less Yoda talking nonsense in it; and, let's face it, you never forget your first love. But as we get older we start to appreciate the second film a lot more.

There's more Darth Vader; it has the bit in the snow; and it has Boba Fett in it (Don't start, Fett was only added to Star Wars later.)

It's a much darker film, and we can remember as a kid being angry when it finished, which is usually a good sign.

Of course, if we'd have known then that it was going to finish with a teddy bears' picnic (bloody Ewoks!) we would probably have been grateful.
 

4. Terminator II: Judgement Day (1991)

James Cameron

More thrills, more spills and more terminators. It's as simple as that.

You have all the best elements of the first one, but with better special effects. No argument as far as we're concerned.

In fact, the only thing bad about Terminator II: Judgement Day is that it led to the turd that is Terminator 3.
 

3. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

George Romero

After annoying all of the sci-fi fans, we may as well try and irritate the horror fans too.
Okay, there is no denying that Night Of The Living Dead is a true horror classic.

However, Dawn of the Dead is far more shocking, it's funnier and you get to see all of the gruesomeness in colour. Bonus.
 

2. Aliens (1986)

James Cameron

This is another one that has been argued over for far too long.

Okay, look Aliens is just better. It's got more action, more stunning death scenes and more, errr, Aliens.

Why go for one face-sucking, stomach-bursting alien (alright, so that's strictly two) when you can have an army of them?

Case closed. No, argument won.

However, we do feel a bit unclean for nominating two James Cameron films.
 

1. The Godfather II (1974)

Francis Ford Coppola

This was a tough one. Huge fans of the original Godfather.

But the fact that you have got two of possible the finest screen actors around for the price of one just swings it for us.

Al Pacino is, as always, brilliant. But Robert De Niro, who isn't always so brilliant (The Fan and Analyse This anyone?), just shades it.

And anyone who wants to argue could find themselves sleeping with the fishes.

Once a year at the start of January, thousand-year-old Mr Blackwell is temporarily defrosted from his diamante-studded cryogenic chamber, flicks through a few celebrity magazines and then lists the ten worst-dressed people of the year, spending extra-special time to make sure each celebrity description sounds like some sort of froth-mouthed witch's incantation.

And this year we'd like to advise Victoria Beckham not to read Mr Blackwell's list. That's assuming she can read, of course, which we'll admit is a stretch.

Mr Blackwell has a lot to answer for. For 48 years Mr Blackwell has made it his business to list the ten worst-dressed celebrities in his bewildering half-rhyming half-punning half-alliterative style. You want to know why the way people speak on
Sex And The City makes you want to drive screwdrivers into your brain through your eyes and nose? It's because they're just copying Mr Blackwell.

However, the fact that a million-year-old man with skin that looks like it'll make someone a nice pair of creepy shoes once he dies still gets headlines by making a list of shit puns about the way people dress – and the way we've genuinely been looking forward to seeing the list since Christmas – says a lot for the almost dead weirdo.

In hecklerspray's history the only winner of Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list has been Britney Spears, who won it single-handedly in 2006 and shared it with Paris Hilton in 2007, but this year is different. Mr Blackwell has decided that Britney Spears won't figure in the worst-dressed list at all this year as punishment for being such a bad mother. OK, OK, his actual words were "I felt that it was in appropriate at this time to make comment, when her personal life is in such upheaval," but we got the implication.

So without Britney Spears and her collection of broken shoes and poo-covered dresses in the running, Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list has been blown wide open. And as the pieces settle, it looks clear that Victoria Beckham is the worst-dressed human being on Earth at the moment. Mr Blackwell described Victoria Beckham as:

"Forget the fashion spice – wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck-em."

It'll be a blow for Victoria Beckham, who has seen just about one of her career avenues shut down since her move to LA in the summer. Her TV series was drastically edited into just one show, her acting career was still-born resulting in an awkward Ugly Betty cameo and an incoherent Tesco advert and she's only allowed to sing one line by herself at the Spice Girls reunion concerts  – and now fashion, her one last refuge, has kicked her in the arse as well.

Number two on Mr Blackwell's list was Amy Winehouse, followed by Mary Kate Olsen and Fergie, described respectively as:

"Exploding beehives above…tacky polka-dots below… she's part 50's car-hop horror," 

"YIKES! In layers of cut-rate kitsch, Mary Kate's look is hard to explain… she resembles a tattered toothpick-trapped in a hurricane!" 

and

"Another style-free 'Fergie' in fashion's hall of shame? Yes, when it comes to couture chaos, guess it's all in a name!"

Kelly Clarkson, Eva Green, Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan and Alison Arngrim rounded up the top ten worst-dressed, if that's the sort of thing you're interested about. Special mention should also go to Bond Girl Eva Green whose wardrobe inspired Mr Blackwell to set his rhymeometer into overdrive with this description:

"Stuck in neon nightmares not fit for the sane. Fashion this loud could give Bond a migraine! A profusion of confusion from toes to nose!"

All of which just makes us more excited to read Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list for next year. Can Victoria Beckham dress that badly two years running? Will Britney Spears be allowed to compete again? Will billion-year-old Mr Blackwell have the strength to lift up his leathery arms at all by then, let alone a pen?

We've never looked forward to 2009 more. And since that's because we want to read an old man's bad poems about clothes, that isn't really saying a lot.

Read more:

Posh Spice Tops Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed List – Us Weekly

That's right – the annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List has been published, and it's been another classic year for Elvis Presley. Elvis has managed to earn $49 million over the last year, $5 million more than his nearest rival John Lennon could muster. It's a triumphant return to the top spot for Elvis Presley, who was knocked into second place last year by Kurt Cobain, with industry experts claiming that this reflects the current public trend for favouring bloated corpses with blasted-open colons over miserable corpses with bits of their heads missing.

Elvis Presley has had quite the year. Ever since he died in 1977, the highlight of most of Elvis' years has been either when he decomposed especially slowly or when Toothless Bill the Graceland groundskeeper pounds on his grave and shouts "Guess how many times they've repackaged your Greatest Hits collection this year Elvis? Four!"

But this year was special. This year was the 30th Anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, which meant that not only did people steal his stuff and bury in a chemical toilet but they all rushed out and bought whatever Elvis-related tat his estate saw fit to hurl out, even though Elvis fans probably own it all in 25 slightly different formats anyway. And that's stood him in good stead for this year's annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List, which has just been published.

You see, Elvis Presley is the daddy of rich dead celebrities. He's usually voted as the richest dead celebrity and only a last-ditch push to sell off 25% of Kurt Cobain's songwriting publishing beat him down into second place last year. But 2007 has been Elvis Presley's year, and the only way it could have been improved is if he hadn't killed himself trying to shit out a breezeblock three decades ago. He's rich, damnit! Rich! The Times reports:

Elvis earned $49 million (£24 million) in the past year, toppling the late Nirvana frontman and regaining the top spot on the Forbes.com list. Elvis’s estate continues to generate millions from music royalties, DVDs, licensing deals and tourism at Graceland, the singer’s mansion in Memphis. The website ranks 13 former celebrities according to income and proves that death is no obstacle to making money. The group collectively earnt $232 million in the past year.

Second to Elvis Presley this year was John Lennon, a man who started selling his songs online and got a giant beam of light named after him. Not that the light beam earnt him much money, of course, although Lennon is expected to top the Forbes annual 'Dead Celebrities With The Most Pointless Carbon Footprint' list when that's published next month. As for the rest of the list, it's mainly the usual suspects – Einstein, Schultz, Warhol – with the added inclusion of recently dead James Brown making his debut at number 11 with $5 million. We're sure that James Brown is thrilled by this, and thinks it more than makes up for the way congestive heart failure resulting from complications of pneumonia killed him on Christmas day.

Here's this year's list of the richest dead celebrities, according to Forbes: 

Elvis Presley $49 million
John Lennon $44 million
Charles M. Schulz $35 million
George Harrison $22 million
Albert Einstein $18 million
Andy Warhol $15 million
Theodor Geisel $13 million
Tupac Shakur $9 million
Marilyn Monroe $7 million
Steve McQueen $6 million
James Brown $5 million
Bob Marley $4 million
James Dean $3.5 million

Read more:

Dead Rich List All Shook Up As Elvis Returns To Top – Times