Why? Because there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to spell or pronounce your names by the time you’re 35. That’s not a luxury afforded to the brand-new child of former Cosby Show star Lisa Bonet, though, because Lisa Bonet has decided to give her baby son the worst name of any human being ever.

Ready? Lisa Bonet has called her son Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Again, that’s Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. We believe it’s Native American for That Kid Who Everyone Beats Up.

As any parent will tell you, naming a child can be hard – you have to weigh up how well it reflects the baby’s still-developing personality, whether its name will be suitable when it reaches adulthood, whether or not it can be twisted to become a playground taunt – and if that’s the case for you, let Lisa Bonet teach you her little baby-naming secret.

First, you need to make a list of the top five options for your baby’s name. And then you just put them in a row and, bingo, baby’s named.

Actually, that’s a lie. Lisa Bonet didn’t do that at all – she picked five names, spelled them out in Scrabble tiles, put all the tiles in a bag, shook the bag as hand as she could, blindly drew the tiles out of the bag and just named the baby with the arbitrarily-chosen words that resulted. She must have done. That’s literally the only way we could ever understand her naming her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, for crying out loud. What, it’s not enough that she’s known for being Denise Huxtable in The Cosby Show, Mickey Rourke’s sex partner in Angel Heart and the woman who inspired It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over by Lenny Kravitz? Lisa Bonet also wants to go down in history as the woman who chose the most hamfisted-ever name for a baby and the woman whose baby-naming techniques possibly stray closest to actual child abuse? That’s just greedy, Lisa Bonet. Greedy.

But, no, let’s give Lisa Bonet’s mother-in-law the opportunity to explain why Lisa inexplicably decided to call her baby Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa, shall we?

“drum roll please….Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. He was born on the stormest, rainy night, so Nakoa(warrior) … Mana(strength/spirit) Kaua(rain) po(dark)… The name was always going to be Nakoa-Wolf, but Jason did the research on first middle name, 2nd middle name as you know is Jason’s.”

Oh, well that’s alright then. Actually, the name Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa is more than just a hodge-podge of vaguely inspirational words listed in an as-good-as-dead language. We’ve also heard that if you say it three times into a mirror at midnight, a monster appears and eats you. True story.

Anyway, congratulations to Lisa Bonet, her husband and her desperately unfortunate child. We’re sure they’re all thrilled that, because of them, somewhere in the world a crestfallen Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are having miserable, passionless sex because they can’t stand only having the world’s second-most rubbishly named baby and think they can come back with something even worse next time. For that, Lisa Bonet, we salute you.

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