She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business – Penelope Cruz – then, well, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you went and told Scarlett she was talking a great big pile of crud.

The kiss they shared wasn’t a subtle ploy to distract everyone in the world from the fact that all the Hollywood types seem to be getting struck down with one illness or another. No, it’s just a part of that new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which is clearly going to be a great big bag of balls.

Aside from the scene in question, of course.

Yes, the thrilling news that Woody’s film wasn’t laughed off at Cannes – far from it, it received a thirty-six hour standing ovation or something – has got a lot of people convinced it’s for one reason and one reason alone, and the ethereal lifeforce that is hecklerspray agrees wholeheartedly: hot lesbian action.

But while most red-blooded males and, let’s face it, a hell of a lot of females, gay men, transexuals, hermaphrodites and everything else inbetween agree with the theory that ol’ Woody is using the technique of making two beautiful women lezz off on screen purely to get some artificial buzz surrounding the flick, the women themselves seem oblivious to the fact that it’s a really, really brilliant marketing ploy.

Speaking to some people who were trying not to gawk at her that little bit too much, Scarlett Johansson said:

“There were 60 crewmen eating salami sandwiches. It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine.”

Actually, we can imagine something a lot less sexy, it’s just we’re not allowed to mention it here by law. There have been problems in the past that hecklerspray can’t really re-visit, unfortunately. Needless to say, salami is the last of the things to be worried about.

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, took an altogether different view of things – speaking to some other people, or they might have been the same ones, we’re not really sure, the star of hecklerspray favourite Chromophobia said:

“We didn’t talk about it much, then Woody told us how the shot was going to be, but Scarlett and I don’t have any funny stories to tell about it. It felt [like] nothing, nothing happened.”

See – it’s always the same. Those that get all the breaks in life don’t bloody well appreciate it, whereas those underdogs who would take pleasure in the situation are forced to sit back and watch. Actually, come to think of it that’s pretty win-win, so we’ll stop complaining now.

Good lord it’s a slow news day.

If a 23-year-old male singer were to say that they wanted to kiss a 15-year-old pop sensation on Sunday, they would rightly be chastised. Probably shot or lynched too. Or just looked down on a lot. They’d probably write a book about their experiences a few years down the line, when the dust had settled.

But when it’s a 23-year-old female singer saying they want to play tonsil hockey with a child this Sunday then it’s just laughed off… Hang on – what? That’s not funny. That’s just dodgy.

Yes kids, everyone’s favourite possible condom saleschild and she who makes frankly incomprehensible videos especially for our new editor’s birthday, Miley Cyrus, has come out and said she will not be engaging in some same-sex-underage-dear-god-that’s-just-plain-weird smooching with Katy Perry.

‘Who the hell is Katy Perry though?!’, hecklerspray hears you cry, and frankly, we’re not sure either. Apparently she’s had some hits with some songs that seem to hint at a fondness for homosexuality – her two biggest hits of ‘UR So Gay’ and ‘I Kissed A Girl’ would seem to attest to this. No big deal, the girl can like who she wants to like.

But when you’re blatantly trying to fire up some kind of media frenzy by offering to publicly snog a kid then, well, you need to be told when to stop. Last time hecklerspray tried something similar we were subjected to beatings on a nightly basis by a man with tattoos on his eyeballs, whose nickname included the words ‘nonce’ and ‘basher’.

After being informed of Katy Perry’s apparent wish to take advantage of an underage girl, thus recreating the Britney Spears and Madonna ‘hot’ action of sharing a smooch on stage, young (emphasis on young there) Miley told E!:

“No thanks. She sang on my record. So I think she’s kind of getting back at me, because she was doing harmonies and backgrounds.”

Is that bitchy? hecklerspray doesn’t understand Ameri-child speak, much as we are forced to put up with it. It would fit in with Miley’s apparent new character of pure, unadulterated evil that she seems to be cultivating, so yes – we’ll go with ‘bitchy’.

We just have one real question about all of this: why does no one seem to realise that Miley Cyrus is still a kid? She certainly doesn’t seem to, the constant stream of unsettling news about her possible nudity/semi nudity in showers doesn’t seem to want to do anything but appeal to the dodgy among us and things like this don’t really help.

So Katy Perry, please, in future keep your hands, lips and everything else to yourself. At least until Miley’s over the age of consent, then knock yourself out.

Just like The Rolling Stones, Kiss are one of those bands who seem to have been around for ever and won’t disappear. Their records are slowly becoming heirloom for millions of families around the world as this dinosaur band’s early recordings are passed down from grandmother to great granddaughter.

In the very beginning of Kiss’s existence, technology wasn’t much of a thing. The wheel had just been discovered and recording techniques were slowly being developed. Fast-forward a few million years and crazy Gene Simmons faces a problem for his band of nutty rockers. Blasted technology has bypassed the band and made it easy for followers of the archaic group to get a Kiss song for free.

This has angered chief Kiss man Gene Simmons wants to club anyone who has down this and stopped him from receiving his royalty payments of two sticks to rub together to generate heat for his homely cave.

Recently, Kiss decided to go and play a handful of groovy numbers to the future generation of our country at Download Festival. Every time we see the band play live, we have to try hard not to spit out our lemonade as we chuckle at the sight of them. They are so wacky and crazy that they play all their pop hits dressed up in face paint!

We thought that after their set, the band would be in high spirits after entertaining the crowd and not being booed like Kanye West. But something must have angered Gene Simmons. Maybe he got delivered PG Tips instead of Tetley tea, we don’t know, but during a press conference he took a furious swipe at the fans. It wasn’t because they weren’t wearing the bands trademark ridiculous makeup. Gene was foaming about how listeners got hold of the bands music. And he’s probably referring to you:

“They’ve decided to download and file-share. There is no record industry around so we’re going to wait until everybody settles down and becomes civilised. As soon as the record industry pops its head up we’ll record new material.”

So that’s it everyone. Unless you cough up some cash for that rare song that was only available on a limited North Korean 12” EP, Kiss won’t be releasing anymore songs. How does that make you feel? You should feel bad, because Gene feels:

“The industry is dead.”

We can honestly say we’ve never listened to any ropey Kiss songs. But we still feel bad that the band are being ripped off. They surely deserve a nice retirement home with a DVD player, widescreen TV and an endless supply of makeup to paint themselves with. Just so they can relive the “old days”.

Give us a few days and we’ll set up a Paypal account where you can donate anonymously to the band. We promise not to pass on your details to angry rockstars who may come and beat you round the head.

Read More In The NME Article Entitled “Download Headliners Kiss: ‘Fans Have Killed The Record Industry’”

You know what he was thinking? He was probably thinking ‘His lips….they’re perfect….’ or something along those lines. We know this because a thought bubble briefly appeared on screen while we were watching at home once. Also this kind of clears up why in his wrestling days his secret move looked so much like he was trying to help an unconscious opponent breathe.

He’s in the Get Smart movie that’s gonna be unrolling on us soon, and in it he has to practically suck the lips right off of Steve Carell. You know what he said about it? He said it was ‘…fantastic.’

To make it in Hollywood you really only have to do one thing – help fill Steve Carell’s bottomless bucket of passion and hope he likes it – he’s a career maker you know. What happened to Oscar on the Office after he let Michael Scott kiss him? His bank account got bigger – he suddenly started on that new-ish Comedy Central show, remember?

All we’re saying is, make-out with Carell and maybe you can be in Horton Hears A Who 2: Horton Hears Another Who. We bet Dwayne Johnson at least has an interview for it, because he’s had to kiss the man recently. Johnson says:

“One of the skills I had to learn and become proficient in is kissing a man. I had never kissed a man. Will Smith did it in his movies, so did Jake Gyllenhaal, and I figured it was my time. So it was me and [Steve] Carell — fantastic.”

No mention of preceding romance was given, which makes us think Dwayne might have gone to easy. We’d like to ask him though, was it worth it?

Hardly, we bet. Not that there could never be a good reason to kiss a man. For instance if you were failing tenth grade math and your teacher holds you after class. He says he really likes your new Gap jeans as he slowly flips through the grade book. Then maybe he stops on a page, glances down at it for only a minute and says ‘looks like you’re gonna fail, hecklerspray. That’s a real shame, a bright website like you with a 100% guaranteed ruined future. If only there was something we could do about this.”

See, now that’s a good reason.

We sometimes still get the night-shakes though.

Read More in an MSN article entitled ‘Carell jokes about on-screen kiss with The Rock’

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

As the sun sneaks out from behind one of his many clouds, the hot weather looks like it may arrive for one of the festivals that kick starts them all. Download is the chance for 75,000 people to gather together and rock out to leather clad men drenched in tattoos and piercings. Sounds like a bit ropey if you ask us.

Download festival means one thing: it’s the only weekend of the year when parents of angry teenagers can drop off their sprogs so they can all share a common love of hating the world together. Of course it may mean forking out over £300 for little Jimmy’s ticket, food supplies, tent, waterproof clothing and suncream but it means mum and dad can have Saturday and Sunday free of Norwegian mega death metal.

For the kids, it will be an opportunity to meet fellow angst ridden emo lovers. This gives the ideal opportunity for everyone to compare their generic star tattoos, lip piercings and why My Chemical Romance means so much to them.

Because the festival attracts a younger audience, expect a quick queue at the bar. Hopefully the Download staff will stick to alcohol laws and won’t serve beer to sixteen year old children. Though we’re sure that some young rascals will get their mucky paws on a few pints of cider and vomit up their £6 gravy and chips.

The Mr Whippy van will have to call in extra supplies of cotton candy to cope with the demand as children look for a sugary high as opposed to the one they’d get when they’d smoke cannabis cut with Oxo cubes.

Think of this festival as a massive childminding event where the entertainment isn’t a Punch and Judy show, but the screaming’s of some pissed up rock band. You’ll be lucky to see a synthesiser. Held over three says, Download offers the best new rock talent and aging crippled artists who won’t go away.

Friday – Go go go!

Kiss – You know that porn film which had Gene Simmons in it? Well boys and girls, this is what he does as a ‘proper’ job. No, he doesn’t paint faces for a living! He rocks out, probably with his cock out.

Rolo Tomassi – We love these young guns from Sheffield. They will surprise you with how loud and crazy they can be.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Motörhead - They have one song that everyone knows and that’s about it. They’ll only play it at the end of the set to make you wait.

Kid Rock – He’s an American Badass apparently. But we think of him as just an arsehole. Once upon a time he married Pamela Anderson. Go ask him about it, he probably tell you all about it.

Saturday – Go go go!

Ash – They may be cracking at the seams, but they’re always up for a song and a dance. Something which comes with bucket loads of sweat.

Biffy Clyro – Scottish rockers who don’t fall into the trap of being the same thrash metal track thirty-two times over. Ask nicely, and they may sing their version of Rhinna’s umbrella song.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pendulum – For fuck’s sake, are they booked to play at every festival this year? Just like 50 Cent playing Leeds in 2004, Pendulum are Download’s random booking.

The Offspring – Apparently we we’re wrong to label them one hit wonders. After Pretty Fly [For a White Guy] they’ve had more hits. How are they headlining?

Sunday – Go go go!

Lethal Bizzle – The guy’s amazing. His crossover blend of rock/hip-hop/electronica should appear to all. Even My Chemical Romance fans might crack a smile.

Exit Ten – One album done and many more to follow. A band to say you saw before they made it big and sold their souls to Simon Cowell.

Sunday – Avoid The Plague:

Fightstar – Get ready to piss in a bottle and launch it at Charley. The former Busted goon doesn’t really seem to fit in.

Jimmy Eat World – We don’t get them or understand their popularity.

Three cheers for Woody Allen and his much maligned interest in younger women!

The news should finally shut up all the player-haters out there – you know who you are! The ones of you who thought it ‘weird’ for a man to show a sexual interest in his own adopted daughter.

Well you can now jump off your high horses because, like World War 2 before, the ends always justify the means and the sight of Scarlett and Penelope lezzin’ off is no doubt a joyful scene.

The on-screen lezathon is being credited with reviving the career of the sputtering genius filmmaker, whose film received a ten minute standing ovation, which is a weird amount of time to clap for anything, but well done.

According to OK! Magazine, one critic said of the scene:

It woke up all the dopey critics and practically got a standing ovation.

The film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, is a romantic comedy wherein Cruz’s character meets Scarlett’s character in Barcelona, things happen, they lezz off, more things happen, and it ends.

The film also stars Penelope Cruz’s real-life boyfriend, Javier Bardem, who plays a character in the film that gets caught up in the plot somehow, doesn’t matter.

The scene was apparently intended by Woody to be his most erotic scene to date, and that’s something, as only Cliff Richard, Bill Cosby, Bruce Forsyth and Dennis Norden have stayed in their respective games longer.

Woody Allen said:

I want people to see the romance, and I wanted some laughs. I wanted to see two young women who go to Barcelona…and gradually things start to disintegrate [lezz off].

‘Disintegrate’ eh? Is that how today’s old people are referring to it, hmm? What happened to a good, old-fashioned lemonfest? They’re a morbid bunch, aren’t they?

Yes, they are. It’s largely because they’ll be dead soon and as we have no idea what that’s like lets pity them and let them have their own slang, lets even incorporate it into our own speech, as a way of saying: Well done old people! Despite the appalling strain you put on society you’re quite like us youngsters in many ways, what with the way you like watching girls kiss and stuff, so with that in mind thanks for everything!

Because we too literally cannot wait to see Scarlett disintegrate all over Penelope Cruz’s face, and it’s OK if you can’t wait too.

Viva la dirty, old bastard!

Read More – Lesbian Kiss Saves Woody, OK! Magazine

Look, we know that most people would rather remove their bellend with the rough side of a cheesegrater than actually watch a Woody Allen film these days, primarily because they’re all uniformly rubbish, but this one – entitled Vicky Cristina Barcelona – is different.

OK, it’s probably not that different at all really – we’re willing to bet it’ll be as painfully rubbish to watch as anything else Woody Allen has released in the last 20 years – but in this one Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a bit of a kiss. We’ve got the video after the jump, effectively saving you the price of a cinema ticket. We’re good to you, no?

It must be brilliant being Woody Allen. Just because he made maybe three good films in the 1970s he can get actors to do pretty much whatever he wants now. One minute he’s all like “Hey Scarlett Johansson, swan around in a tennis skirt for me,” and the next he’s like “Hey Ewan McGregor, be in this film of mine even though it’s obviously going to be awful. And do a funny accent while you’re at it!”

And now that he’s started making films in Spain, Woody Allen can be all like “Hey Scarlett Johansson again, get off with Penelope Cruz while I film it! Do it! I’m Woody Allen, director of Annie Hall, for God’s sake! It’s art! What? No, this isn’t an erection, whatever gave you that idea?”

Woody Allen’s new movie is called Vicky Christina Barcelona. It’s been billed as a ‘comedy drama’, which mean it’s either a naval-gazing exploration of blah blah blah snore, or a film that Woody Allen thinks is a comedy but since he stopped being funny several years ago it had to have the word ‘drama’ bunged onto the end to stop people feeling sorry for him.

But that’s not why people will go and see Vicky Christina Barcelona. Actually, nobody’s going to see Vicky Christina Barcelona anyway, because it’s a late-period Woody Allen film and they’d rather spend two hours doing something more fun, like letting infected AIDS monkeys chew on their balls.

But if anyone does go and see Vicky Christina Barcelona it’s because there’s apparently a lesbian sex scene between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in it, plus a threesome with Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz and the bloke with the funny haircut from No Country For Old Men.

And guess what? There’s a hint of this Scarlett Johansson on Penelope Cruz action in the just-released Vicky Christina Barcelona trailer. Have a look…

Do you see what we did there? We made you watch one minute and 12 seconds of hopelessly dull, dialogue-free trailer for a film you’re never actually going to watch anyway just so you could see Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kissing for less than two seconds. You pervert.

But has the promise of a Scarlett Johansson/ Penelope Cruz sex scene whetted your appetite to see Vicky Christina Barcelona? No, us neither. Looks rubbish, doesn’t it?

Not Paul McCartney, though, now that his divorce is finalised, he's flown off to the Caribbean to jam his tongue down the throat of his American millionaire friend Nancy Shevell in front of some probably fairly nauseated holidaymakers.

So congratulations to Paul McCartney for moving on. True, Nancy Shevell might not regularly scream the word 'paedophile!' on breakfast TV in a funny voice, nor did she embark on a gruesome 1980s soft-porn career, not does her mouth wriggle sinisterly up one side of her face when she tries to smile, but Paul McCartney was never going to hit the jackpot twice in a row, was he?

Paul McCartney suits the role of husband very nicely, doesn't he? That's partly because he's been almost constantly married for the best part of the last 50 years, and partly because the idea of Paul McCartney's old man fingers creeping seductively towards a woman's bra creeps us the hell out. Mostly the last one, in fact. Imagine Paul McCartney whispering come-ons into your ear. Imagine it. Yeuuurgh.

Anyway, while we may physically shudder at the thought of Paul McCartney putting his hands all over our body like some sort of very old pervert, one person who doesn't is Nancy Shevell. You remember, Nancy Shevell, the woman who Paul McCartney possibly got all kissy kissy with last autumn. Millionaire. American. Young enough to just about be his daughter. You remember.

We thought that Paul McCartney was through with Nancy Shevell about the time that he put the moves on that Arquette woman, but now it's emerged that Paul has flown Nancy to an exclusive resort in the Caribbean to regale her with stories about what John Lennon was like until she lets him put his mouth on her tit. The Mirror reports:

One witness told the Mirror: "They were kissing each other passionately, giggling and smooching just like any other couple in the throes of a new relationship. They were so wrapped up in each other they seemed oblivious to everyone else. Paul certainly wasn't behaving like a world-famous rock star who has been battling a bitter divorce. He seemed like your average middle-aged man keen to impress his girlfriend. The only difference was that he was regaling her with tales of his days on the road with Britain's biggest band. Nancy seemed to be hanging on his every word."

We'd like to think that, after the trauma of his marriage to Heather Mills, Paul McCartney will spend a lot of time in private with Nancy Shevell reacquainting himself with what love feels like again. She seems a lot more suited to him than Heather did – plus every second that Paul McCartney spends with Nancy Shevell is a second that he can't close any ten-a-penny high-profile musical events with a godawful 35-minute singalong version of Hey Jude.

It's perfect – everyone wins. Well, everyone except for Nancy Shevell. But give her an injection of Chloroprocaine, a blindfold and a piece of wood to bite down on and she won't even feel a thing.

Read more:

Sir Paul McCartney and new girl Nancy Shevell frolick on beach – Mirror 

Having trouble visualising that? Don't be – because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.

Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.

Gene Simmons makes no secret of the fact that he's probably had sex with every female on the face of the planet at least once, including all female animals and your mother. And chances are you're probably wondering how a man with hair that dire manages it.

Well, now an alleged Gene Simmons sex tape has been released to the internet, and his secrets have finally been revealed to the world. And they mainly seem to involve moving really slowly, 1980s soft rock powerballads, keeping your T-shirt on, not taking the chewing gum out of your mouth, being repeatedly refused kisses and generally giving off the impression that you hate every single minute of it.

Anyway, we're rushing ahead of ourselves. Listen – there's a Gene Simmons sex tape on the internet. Gene Simmons from Kiss. A Gene Simmons sex tape. Take that thought in. Savour it. Now run to the toilet, throw up and we'll carry on.

According to the website that it surfaced on, the Gene Simmons sex tape captures an encounter between Gene and some bimbo who helps flog energy drinks. It explains things so much better than we ever could:

What is Gene's Secret? Actually, it's a WHO, and she is a hot little Austrian babe, named Elsa. She is a model, and one of the Frank's Energy Drink Girls, a brand which Gene endorses (apparently to fuel his sex drive.) Elsa and Gene party like rockstars, and we have it all here, EXCLUSIVELY on GenesSecret.com. Elsa loves to Yodel, she loves Octoberfest, maple syrup and Rock & Roll! And of course, she loves Gene's Family Jewels… and even his reality show.

Sources suggest that Gene Simmons is furious that his sex tape has been made public, and this could be for several reasons. Perhaps the tape wounded Gene Simmons' dignity, or perhaps he's just fuming that he hasn't made any money out of it. Or perhaps – just perhaps – he's frightened that viewers of the Gene Simmons sex tape will watch it and realise that they're probably quite a lot better at sex than Gene appears to be.

If Gene Simmons really is as angry about the sex tape as he's reported to be, then we can expect the tape to be removed from the internet pretty sharpish. So take it all in while you can – the music, the movements, the jaded facial expressions that suggests Gene just wants to go home and have a nice cup of tea. More real than the Meg White Sex tape with less of a disgusting poo fixation than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape, catch the Gene Simmons sex tape now. Permanent loss of libido or your money back.

Fleshbot has Gene Simmons sex tape clips. They're obviously not safe for work, or for anyone with eyes, or for anyone who doesn't really, really like Foreigner.

Lindsay Lohan, you see, was in Capri recently for a film festival – something that she celebrated by snogging the arse off almost all of the island's men. Well, three of them at least – if accounts are to be believed, Lindsay Lohan managed to smooch waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio and actors Dario Faiella and Eduardo Costa all within the space of 24 hours. So it seems that Lindsay Lohan's type is Italian men from Capri. Well, Italian men. Well, men. Well, humans. Well, any living creature of any kind, really. Or objects. Any living creature or any inanimate object. We hope that's narrowed it down a little.

Lindsay Lohan is a woman who enjoys dividing her years up into themes. For example, to pick two years at random, Lindsay Lohan's 2007 was the year of cocaine, booze, rehab and arrests while 2005 was the year of wacky family movies about magical cars.

And, by the looks of it, 2008 is going to be Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. The boyfriend that Lindsay Lohan picked up in rehab recently claimed that she's replaced her addiction to drugs and alcohol with an addiction to sex, and that she's made an unspoken pact with herself that, come December 2008, there won't be an inch of anything on the whole planet not covered in the sluglike goo trail from Lindsay Lohan's worn-out vagina.

Judging by her exploits at the weekend, it seems as if Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex started in Capri. On the island with Hayden Panettiere to attend a film festival – the annual Capri Straight To DVD Gala, perhaps, or the Festival Of Shit Films About Amnesiac Strippers – Lindsay Lohan made it her duty to smash through as many of the men who strayed into her path as possible. The Sun reports:

The Mean Girls actress, 21, was first snapped smooching with waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio shortly after arriving in the Italian island of Capri for a film festival. But just a few hours later she was locking lips with a new Italian stallion – handsome actor Eduardo Costa. Lusty Lindsay then rounded off her naughty weekend by kissing another local thespian – long-haired actor Dario Faiella, the son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri. 

Judging by the speed that Lindsay Lohan batted through those three men – and the length of time left in 2008 – it's a statistical certainty that someone reading this is going to become a victim of Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. Now, it's important to remember that Lindsay Lohan is promiscuous by profession, and you're probably just an enthusiastic amateur at best, so if you even happen to blunder into Lindsay Lohan's eyeline, chances are it's already too late for you. Just remember to always pack some protection and you'll be fine.

No, not condoms, you idiot. We mean cyanide capsules hidden in your false teeth. It won't stop her, but at you won't be able to feel anything.

Read more:

Lindsay has 3 Italians in a day – The Sun