Imagine being Kate Moss. What do you do with your life? You stand around in a variety of clothes, which people hang off your bony frame and generally lord it up like you have an actual talent other than your genetic make-up.

Despite a clear lack of anything worthwhile, other than being sufficiently bland enough not to distract people from the garments you’re wearing, that still doesn’t mean you can’t act like a pompous, deserving buffoon.

And that’s exactly what’s happening as Kate Moss has revealed that she isn’t keen on interacting with her admirers on Twitter. Basically, you plebs don’t deserve her musings.

The supermodel would never sign up for a twitter account.

“I couldn’t think of anything worse than people knowing what I’m doing all the time. I just don’t understand it. I don’t get it at all. Why would anybody want to know? I try to be the opposite, so people don’t know anything that I’m doing. I don’t want people to know anything!”

Perhaps people wouldn’t want to know what you’re getting up to. Maybe people would like to see what you’re like beneath that hallow veneer? Maybe people would like to view you like you’re an approachable human-being, rather than some odious twerp, forever hiding behind the velvet rope of stardom?

Apparently, this isn’t the case though.

“Just to go into a shop without getting stared at would be nice. I mean, I don’t walk around like, ‘Oh, I’m famous’ – I try to live as normal a life as possible – but sometimes it’s a bit annoying. It’s fine; it’s not a massive problem, but sometimes it’s just a bit uncomfortable”

“You can’t be ‘poor me’ about it – it’s not the worst thing in the world, but sometimes it’s a bit uncomfortable.”

With insight like that, perhaps we’re all better off without Moss’ twitter dribblings?

Models are, if we’re being honest, the most crashingly wearisome humans on Earth. They’re hired to be transparent when wearing clothes (why would a designer hire a human who actively distracts you from their clothes, huh?) and work so much that their lives are a series of non-events.

The only time anyone gets truly interested in a model is when they start talking about the terrible regimes they endure to stay so sickeningly thin. Laxatives, cigarettes and bulimia doesn’t make for a glamorous proposition.

And so, Kate Moss has started work on her first autobiography, which will hopefully be mostly focusing on what a monster Naomi Campbell seems to be.

The model, who became vaguely more interesting recently after marrying The Kills’ Jamie Hince last month, has already started work on her biog, which will include revealing details of her past and career.

We can assume she’ll talk about drugs (she went out with lightbulb of pus, Pete Doherty for starters) and wealthy businessmen making dodgy propositions at her. In other words, we’ve heard it all before but Moss will absolutely be under the impression that she’s writing the most important book in the world.

A source says:

“Kate has always held back from giving interviews so the public don’t know what she’s really like and what’s she gone through in her life.

“She’s never opened up about her parents’ divorce, having daughter Lila or her relationships with former boyfriends including Johnny Depp and Pete Doherty. Her fans will be desperate to read it and she’ll make an absolute fortune.”

Fawning, idiot fans of Moss will be wetting themselves no doubt, hoping to live vicariously through her past without actually getting ’round to living their lives for themselves.

How wonderful.

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Lady GaGa is a huge Anglophile. Now, that doesn’t mean she sexually preys on isosceles triangles, but rather, she’s a big fan of England and Britain. That can only be attributed to the fact she hasn’t been a regular visitor to this godforsaken raincloud.

Either way, this weekend, she’s been in Blighty and in turn, hanging around with the entirely pointless Kate Moss before making her way up to Carlisle to upset just about everyone who listens to Radio1 on a regular basis.

For this is a tale of booze, thin legs and jazz.

GaGa played a small show in London over the weekend and Kate Moss was in attendance to show off her brittle collar bones, lifeless smile and ability to drink heavily. While performing, GaGa got heckled by the model to get some booze inside her… which is only a decent heckle if you’re dealing with a recovering alcoholic. And GaGa isn’t.

This saw GaGa reworking the lyrics to some of her songs to include Kate Moss’ name. In return for this splendid gesture, Kate Moss got to her feet like a newborn foal and began chanting:

“Drink, drink, drink! Gaga drink!”

What a scrote. What an unbearable, boorish, tin-ribbed hooligan.

Then, being one of those detestable pricks who talks constantly throughout at gig, Moss could be heard enlightening the world by drooling:

“I really need the loo but I’ll hold it. I don’t want to miss Gaga.”

Hilariously, while all this was going on, will.i.am stood shivering in the cold London air with all the other unbearable media pricks and Camden hangers-on because the security didn’t recognise him as someone famous.

Of course, GaGa’s weekend was capped off by her appearance in Carlisle for Radio 1’s Big Weekend. Hilariously, GaGa kept everyone waiting, solely to underline the fact that Fearne Cotton can’t adlib to save her life, leaving her to constantly remind us that the two had met earlier in the day.

The Telephone singer then appeared on-stage in a coffin (already spoilered by the idiots at BBC Three) before bursting into a hit-filled set.

Well kinda.

Not before GaGa hilariously forced a load of conservative pop-fans to sit through a 4 minute bebop solo, a shit-load of jazz, three piano ballads and a whole load of self-indulgent amusery. This left many pop fans complaining and mewing on twitter, looking for all the world like those bearded idiots who had a massive cry when Dylan went electric.

Fearne Cotton meanwhile, is probably telling everyone she met GaGa still and saying ‘legend’ and ‘genius’ over and over and over again like the simpering bag of sycophantic sputum she is.

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Clothes are quite an integral part of our lives. Not only do they stop our dangly bits getting in the way of sharp pointy objects but they allow designers to flog all sorts of overpriced garments that cost peanuts to make in sweatshops all over Asia.

But if you have no real ethics or morals, the main purpose of clothing is to keep look more fashionable than everyone else.

Out of the two fairer sexes, women are the ones who’ll often do battle with each other as they attempt to outdo everyone else in the fashion stakes. Stilettos will be used as makeshift daggers as fights break out over pairs discount leggings that at best look like they were modelled on a bin bags.

You might think that the local barmaid down the social can pull of her Primark buys the best, but the truth of the matter is, Vogue have decided Kate Moss is a more worthy winner.

Models are usually thought of as pretty one dimensional creatures. All they do is don some clothes and use all their energy to produce a smile. For the more advanced, some are asked to take to the catwalk whilst photographers do their upmost to blind them. Sometimes the dedicated model will perform her party piece of turning to the side, giving the illusion that they have disappeared due to their paper-like structure.

For some reason, Kate Moss is one of the lucky models that has broken through and become a household name. Otherwise, she’d have had a run-of-the-mill career before forging a lacklustre career in the Argos catalogue modelling socks.

Unlike Naomi Campbell, she doesn’t have a rage problem, nor has she accepted so called “blood diamonds” and been dragged off for a merry day in court, sporting a classy Gucci three piece suit.

Instead, Kate Moss has gone down the avenue of having not one, but two mainstream rock ‘n’ roll boyfriends. First up was all round waster, sixth formers favourite and blood artist Pete Doherty. Many so-called carers of Kate Moss blame Doherty for sending her down the path of booze, cocaine and other hard drug addiction.

Saying that, she has since scored lucrative contracts with Virgin and Topshop, obviously proving that powdering your nose does wonders for a career. Now she’s with Jamie Hince from The Kills – nope, we can’t think of any of their songs either.

We might describe Kate Moss as a haunted mannequin, however, as The Associated Press report, Vogue don’t seem to share our viewpoint. They report Moss as being:

“Tousled sexiness a la Bardot and for being the celebrity whose style is most emulated by other women.”

We have no idea what the hell the first five words are harping on about. To us, it sounds like something you’d order in a fancy French restaurant that literally translates as being ‘trout and broccoli.’ However, we’ll agree about Kate’s style being copied by other women.

Basically, your average teenage girl can’t fork out for a £100 dress that bumped up in price to £1800 because it has the name Prada attached to it. Common Topshop clones are now a common sight across the highstreet.

The Associated Press again reports:

“The British supermodel topped a list declared by the magazine as the “world’s most sartorially stylish celebrities”, which included Lady Gaga, Carey Mulligan, Michelle Obama and Sarah Jessica Parker.”

Did we say Topshop common? Scratch that, we mean Gak Chic.

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Kate Moss is a dribbling simpleton isn’t she? No, not because she’s a model who are all uniformly thick. You know Moss is a dunce by looking at her circle of friends and lovers. She was in a romance with wailing barf-bucket Pete Doherty, as well as (reportedly) chasing Courtney Love around a hotel so she could stick fingers into Hollywood’s largest vagina.

She’s also chums with the bass player from The Most Overrated Group In The Whole World The Clash and hangs around with glass-eyed Sadie Frost. Her world is filled with people hurr-hurring to themselves about how funny clouds are and filled with silences teaming with brains trying to work out how people manage to grow sausages in a can.

And now, she’s swapping bodily fluids with Jamie Hince (a nobody from nothing band The Kills) and having a marriage which may or may not be a figment of our collective imagination.

Apparently, the wedding she had to Hince IN A CHURCH wasn’t real. These days, it seems that Sicilian Catholic churches are willing to sidestep tradition and sort out wealthy models with a blessing. Obviously, churches in Italy are famous for that sort of thing aren’t they?

Clearly, Kate Moss is learning that musicians are generally the most boring people on the planet and that, if you’re going to shack-up with one, then you should at least brace yourself for the moment when you realise just how crashingly dull they are, and safeguard against the inevitable break-up and money demands that always arise from celebrity marriages.

That’s right. If you say a wedding is a blessing, then it makes it alright to dump someone and not give them any of your money.

That means you don’t have to stop forking out cash on your decadent lifestyle choices like buying compilation videos of CCTV footage featuring Naomi Campbell throwing various objects and blood-soaked diamonds at assistants and hangers-on. ALLEGEDLY.

Of course, Kate is aping the Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger who has pulled the I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Real Marriage stunt with loads of women, famously, model Jerry Hall. He got wed at a Hindu ceremony in Bali before annulling it saying that the whole thing wasn’t legally binding.

A source says:

“Kate is convinced Jamie is The One… or at least, The One for now.

“When Jamie proposed, she accepted – but only after giving it a great deal of thought. She was adamant the wedding would be totally secret and very boho.

“Her mucker Mick once joked to her that blessings were the way to go because they meant no loss of independence – financial or otherwise. Kate told Jamie their wedding would be as traditional and sacred as any other wedding, which is why they exchanged rings.

“There just wouldn’t be as much paperwork.”

Anyway, we’re not supposed to know about this marriage because, aside from not giving the remotest of monkeys, Moss wanted all hush-hush.

However, we do know, so we all get too look forward to various reports of Kate Moss throwing tantrums and tiny, skeletal punches toward people who we’ll never know the names of.

Brilliant.

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Look at Courtney Love. Seriously, look at her – look at her bedraggled hair and giant fishy mouth.

That woman is SEXY. Don’t deny it. Whatever your gender or sexual persuasion, you can’t deny that you’d like to have sex with Courtney Love. It’s her deeply-ingrained sexuality that does it. Or her basic lack of communication skills. Or the way that her eyes don’t seem to point in the same direction sometimes. Or the way that having sex with Courtney Love is the closest that most people will ever come to having sex with a 75-year-old homeless man.

That’s why we can forgive Kate Moss, who Courtney Love named as one of her sexual partners, before denying it. And it’s also why we can’t understand Courtney Love’s boyfriend Andre Balazs, who’s just dumped Courtney Love over the claims. Because, really? He chose that reason, out of everything? Weirdo.

Spare a thought for Andre Balazs today. As a boyfriend of Courtney Love he was always going to face unflattering comparisons to Kurt Cobain. And, because all things are finite, he knew that when he inevitably split up with Courtney Love he’d probably be the subject of about 800 angry and spectacularly incomprehensible tweets. But he can’t have known that he’d end up splitting up with Courtney Love because she might have had sex with Kate Moss two decades ago.

Last week, for whatever reason – possibly because she was tired of living a lie, or possibly because people hadn’t openly expressed concern about her mental health for eight or nine minutes – Courtney Love decided to tell the world about the time that she and Kate Moss had a lesbian fling in Milan in the 1990s. She’s since denied it on Twitter, but now because of that – possibly out of shame or possibly because he knows that he’ll never look as good in a minidress as Kate Moss – Andre Balazs has ditched Courtney Love. The Sun reports:

A pal said: “Andre was very fond of Courtney, but found some of her behaviour embarrassing. “And after a series of rows last week – including one over why she felt the need to ‘out’ Kate – he told her it was over.”

That’s sad. But Courtney Love has bounced back from worse, so she’ll easily be able to bounce back from this. And if Andre Balazs doesn’t want her, we’re sure she can find solace by recreating her time with Kate Moss. By which we obviously mean that she should find a Twiglet with a minge and dry-hump the crap out of it.

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Kate Moss is a model who has made her living by prancing up and down various catwalks in vile overpriced garments.

She’s also a world leader when it comes to helping musicians record their worst material. Pete Doherty, The Lemonheads, Primal Scream – at one point or another, they’ve all decided that what their sound really needs is a flatly disinterested Croydon mew droning out of the left speaker.

Now that Kate Moss is with another rubbish indie frontman, That Tit From The Kills, she’s inspired a whole new album of wrongness. But it’s OK – she destroyed the only known recordings! Go Kate! You earned that Jaffa cake!

After realising that heroin and cats were more important to Pete Doherty than her, Kate Moss is now shacked up with Jamie Hince from The Kills. While Jamie Hince doesn’t get arrested every ten minutes like Pete Doherty, they do have something in common. The music of Babyshambles and the music of The Kills ain’t too great.

While Doherty seems to blab on about drug-induced confrontations with Mexican dancers and telephone poles, Hince just spouts out generic indie rubbish. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of real flare or bite to him. Quite likely because he is still over the moon that he’s been able to pull a model and not a girl from Camden who’d suck him off for a packet of chips.

During her time with Pete Doherty, Kate Moss didn’t destroy any of his stuff. Well, that we know of. He was already gone mentally. But Kate has done the world a favour by destroying the only known recordings of her current squeeze’s songs! Hooray! Now we won’t have to see The Kills give shit performances to backing tracks because they can’t recruit a drummer.

Will the world be a worse place without these songs? Only if your skinny jeans have cut off the circulation to your brain and the only thing you crave is twangless indie bilge. According to reports, the couple had a bit of a tiff on a weekend break, where they most definitely planted trees and didn’t get naked or anything. Digital Spy say:

“Kate Moss hurled the musician’s manbag, which contained a laptop, Blackberry and personal diary, into the water.”

Jesus, not his manbag. How’s the poor sod going to carry his various moisturiser and other unmanly things around? His pockets? Hince seemed a bit pissed off about this and supposedly:

“Jumped into the pool to rescue his possessions because the computer contained new songs for his band The Kills.”

So, dear reader, will you be able to sleep tonight? What will you do without having some tedious indie missing in your life for another six months or so? You could always mooch down the local indie club. Or you pray that the same thing happened to everyone else. Especially Razorlight.

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10 - Let’s play ‘guess what the snake ate’ – Best Week Ever

9 – Bald hedgehogs = ugly – Dailymail

8 – Kate Moss continues to look a bit weird - Popsugar

7 – A day late, sure, but here are some terrible Irish accents - Irishcentral

6 – A man complains about the American Office - LAT

5 - Perverts! Now you know which students to target with the most success – Forwardon

4 – TWO CAMELS IN A CAR! - YouTube

3 - Want to make your own dog treats? OK! - Instructables

2 - Want to see a picture of a toddler on a spike? You do? You’re weird – Telegraph

1 - We’re beginning to think that dolphins are just great big fishy stoners, you know that…

10 - Genuinely not a clue what this is, but can there be a British spin-off please?…

9 – The internet’s greatest hits - TIME

8 – Behind the scenes of Lesbian Vampire Killers – Greenroom

7 - How old are your ears? – Trihorn

6 – Kate Moss wears some sort of awful beard as a coat – Popsugar

5 - Official: Bjork is adorable. Bjork describing television operation is ADORABLE – YouTube

4 - A 90mph motorbike crash, with helmet-cam – I Am Bored

3 – The best last great roles ever - EW

2 - The Watchmen movie isn’t very good, then – Joblo

1 – 20 horrifying photos of Ronald McDonald – Unrealitymag

10 - Oh Miley Cyrus, you’ve gone and done it now. The world’s most annoying man has had it with you…

9 - Actual mad scientists – Cracked

8 – Tess Daly and a tramp, for your viewing pleasure – Holy Moly

7 – Hey foreigners, the Daily Mail thinks you’re just hilarious! – Daily Mail

6 - Ten berserk cities. We’re making it our mission to visit at least one of these in 2009 - Askmen

5 - A list of sexy prostitutes. Seriously – Manofest

4 – Kate Moss isn’t pregnant. So that’s something – Popsugar

3 - Some computer games that will probably turn your children into murderers – Gameist

2 - Awful celebrities and their terrible tattoos – Popcruch

1 - Children’s dreams as illustrated by artists. Odd – Flickr

It’s a well known fact that supermodels are competitive amongst their own kind. The Friday night binge and purge contests, the number of perverts that stalk you, the length of community service for drug and/or violence related offences… the list goes on.

But if you’re a supermodel and someone were to make a gold statue of your likeness, then that pretty much gives you most super supermodel of the universe status. Take Kate Moss, for instance. Some artist has made a gold statue out of her, and that’s quite an honour.

Just like it will be a tremendous honor when we finish our David Hasselhoff statue made from fingernail clippings of German teenage girls and kitten tears.

Kate Moss has quite the rocky history. A phenomenon among supermodels, Kate Moss has had a knack for capturing the waif look, sometimes known as ‘heroin chic’ that became so popular in the 90s. It really speaks for her character that she’s been able to create that look whilst remaining free of drugs and loser boyfriends.

Anyway, Kate Moss is the definition of beauty at the moment, dontcha know. Or at least some artist dude seems to think so. For artist Marc Quinn, the years of living in his parents basement, studying the female form in great depth and detail via pictures of supermodels has allowed him the time and lack of social interaction to create a stunning replica of Kate Moss made out of gold.

Not really. The artist just finds Kate Moss really beautiful or something. According to Quinn:

“I thought the next thing to do would be to make a sculpture of the person who’s the ideal beauty of the moment.”

We’re not highly into the arts, but apparently in the art world, ideal beauty of the moment is equated with cocaine scandals and greasy ex-boyfriends in fedoras. Who knew?

The statue is called Siren, and it will be on display starting October 4 at the British Museum in London.

Sources suggest that Kate Moss is actually quite unhappy with the statue, and has repeatedly requested that it be upgraded to platinum. Not only does the gold not match her hand bag, but gold makes her look like a lardy arse. Like a size 2, or something.

So, mark you calendars to see Kate Moss’s statue. No word on the progress of the dirty taco wrappers being sculpted into the likeness of Pete Doherty. Story developing…

We asked and you responded – here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It's a prestigious title, that's for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let's find out…

10 – Joss Stone, 2%
Although only being the country's tenth-biggest Trainwreck might come as a disappointment to some, Joss Stone still has every reason to celebrate her inclusion. That's because Joss Stone managed to pack an entire year's worth of Trainwreckiness into 35 glorious seconds at the Brits in February.

Stumbling around in the dark, dedicating "big love" to Robbie Williams while doing a spot-on impression of Lloyd Grossman, singing a soul-destroyingly self-conscious snatch of an Amy Winehouse song, Joss Stone packed it in tight. "Why does everyone in the UK hate me?" Joss has often been heard to cry throughout the year. We really have no idea, you purple-haired transatlantic wazzock.

9 – Naomi Campbell, 2.3%
Sneaking through on residual Trainwreck fumes from 2006 is Naomi Campbell, the supposed 'violent super-bigot' supermodel whose idea of an employee bonus is to lodge a diamante-encrusted Blackberry deep inside the back of her cleaner's skull instead of a regular plastic one.

This year, though, Naomi Campbell has sadly dialled down her Trainwreckiness – she pleaded guilty to assault rather than smashing the courtroom to splinters with her bare fists, and she even managed to complete community service without trying to choke a stranger on the business end of a ploppy mop. A disappointing year, all said – but we'll be rooting for Naomi to shriek back to form and punch a nun or something in 2008.

8 – Charley Uchea, Big Brother, 3.9%
Even though Big Brother has basically turned into Britain's Got Aggressive Histrionic Personality Disorder, this year Charley Uchea managed to accomplish the impossible feat of out-Trainwrecking almost every other Big Brother housemate in the show's history.

Loud, obnoxious, self-absorbed to the point of mania, this summer Charley managed to briefly unite the whole of the UK in wondering if there was a well somewhere that we could push her into. Now that she's a civilian again, Charley's full-time job seems to be either falling over outside nightclubs to try and get in the papers or being attacked by kindly passers-by who just want to put the poor girl out of her misery. Spectacular.

7 – Kate Moss, 4%
Even though 2007 was the year that she dumped Pete Doherty for good – an act so audaciously anti-Trainwrecky that it makes us feel physically ill to the pits of our stomachs – Kate Moss nevertheless made a blazing last-ditch effort to get onto our list in the closing stages of the year.

First Kate Moss had a bit of a loud party that upset the poshos she lives near, and then a DJ claimed that he saw her fall off the drug wagon so violently that she single-handedly managed to invent a fleet of enduring Trainwreck catchphrases. All together now: "Make me rave! Make me rave!" Come now Kate, we don't think you need our help for that.

6 – Kerry Katona, 6.2%
If Kerry Katona was legitimately famous instead of being the lardy northern chav off the Iceland adverts – incidentally: sterling work Iceland, you picked a blinder of a representative there – then we don't doubt she'd have gained herself a podium Trainwreck finish.

But since she barely counts as a celebrity, Kerry Katona should be proud of her sixth-place status. Truly Kerry is an inspiration to women everywhere, proving that they only need to fall pregnant 38 separate times each month (and smoke throughout), develop a suspected drug habit, get robbed at gunpoint in their own house and declare themselves to be bi-polar and they too can end up in the anonymous midway point of an sarcastic British blog's end-of-year idiot list.

5 – Victoria Beckham, 6.9%
2007 was meant to be Victoria Beckham's year – the year she went to LA with David to become a big TV star in her own right. But anyone with even a semi-functioning set of senses can see that it just hasn't happened for her.

Instead, Victoria Beckham has looked isolated and alone, with just Tom Cruise's suspicious wife and her own ludicrous breast implants for company. Victoria's TV career has tanked – consisting of a failed special, three seconds on Ugly Betty and one jabbered, indecipherable line on an advert for a supermarket. Worse still, Victoria Beckham isn't even as famous as Mel B any more. To Victoria Beckham, that's literally worse than an acid-bath suicide.

4 – Jade Goody, 10.8%
We know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Jade Goody is officially the fourth-biggest Trainwreck in the country because of her outrageous display of bigotry and racism on Celebrity Big Brother this year; a display so utterly repellent that people in India actually made little Jade Goodys out of straw and set them on fire in protest.

But you're wrong – Jade Goody isn't here because in the space of three angry January minutes she destroyed her entire career by racially abusing a Bollywood millionaire over some stock cubes. No, in fact Jade Goody is the UK's fourth-biggest Trainwreck because of the Celebrity Big Brother moment where she let her mute boyfriend jizz up her leg. Obviously.

3 – Pete Doherty, 12.3%
Pete Doherty carries a heavy weight on his shoulders today, and we don't mean his constantly-ballooning chubface, either. In fact, Pete Doherty is the only male to have made the 2007 UK Trainwreck top ten. But, by God, is he ever representing the gender well.

The Trainwreck that other Trainwrecks judge themselves against, at various points this year Pete Doherty has lived in a caravan after being dumped by a supermodel and was accused of angrily threatening to slit the throat of a young woman's mother, all the while churning out music that sounds like a cheap Buddy Holly tribute act as heard through a couple of kitchen funnels sellotaped to the side of your head – and yet somehow he's managed to avoid jail for all these things. We're so stunned that we haven't even worked out if that's a good or a bad thing. Bad, we'd imagine.

2 – Heather Mills, 24.6%
Heather Mills is either a saintly woman bravely fighting evil with the sword of social justice, or a mental weirdo who keeps saying the word "paedophile!" in a funny high-pitched voice on breakfast TV a lot. And, of course, this depends mostly on whether you're Heather Mills or not.

Already a high-ranking Trainwreck contender for the way she basically forced the world into siding with a granny-faced millionaire with a bad dye-job over her divorce, Heather Mills really kicked her Trainwreck campaign into overdrive this autumn by going on every single TV show in the land to roll her eyes, froth at the mouth, compare herself to Princess Diana and generally do a far better job of sending herself up than we ever could. That's an unattainably high level of Trainwreckiness, right? Not quite…

1 – Amy Winehouse, 26.5%
Who else could it possibly be. You want to know why Amy Winehouse is the biggest Trainwreck in the country this year and you're not? Have you overdosed on heroin, cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy and alcohol all in one go? Have you got a husband accused of beating a man so severely that he needed metal plates inserted into his face? Have you then threatened a crowd of 13,000 disappointed booing concertgoers with violence at the hands of said husband? Have you ever stalked through London barefoot on a winter's night in just your bra? Have you ever got into a gory razorblade fight with anyone who tries to stop you taking drugs with a hooker you just met?

Chances are you haven't, but Amy Winehouse has. Winning the 2007 hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year poll must be a bittersweet way for Amy Winehouse to end the year – any initial elation at winning such a prestigious title will probably be tempered with the gut-churning realisation that somehow she's going to have to top all this next year. But you can do it, Amy! We believe in you!

A supermodel taking drugs isn't a massive surprise to anyone, less so when a supermodel takes drugs at a rave – but a supermodel's rave-based drug-taking behaviour shocking a DJ? That hardly sounds right at all.

But it seems to be the case anyway. Two years after Kate Moss was hounded out of most of her modelling contracts following a picture of her possibly taking some drugs, it's been claimed by a DJ that she's at it again. Elliot Eastwick was the DJ at a recent party to celebrate Davinia Taylor's 30th birthday, and he claims that throughout the party Kate Moss kept screaming things like "I want some gear!" "Get me some gear!" and "Who's got the drugs?" – statements that seem innocuous enough to the average listener, but are all thought to be carefully-coded underworld slang-phrases that can only be understood by other drug-addicts which may or may not detail Kate Moss' desire to take some drugs. 

Kate Moss is getting it from all sides at the moment. While the rest of her life should spent in a state of constant bliss because she doesn't have to wake up and see Pete Doherty's puffy, scab-covered old lady's face every morning, it seems like people are lining up to take the shine off Kate Moss' day.

First Kate Moss' eyelashes got reprimanded for being unnaturally telescopic, then all of St John's Wood ganged up to tell the world what a crummy neighbour Kate Moss is – and now a DJ has decided to tell the press about a bunch of drug-taking antics he claims to have seen Kate Moss get up to recently.

Apparently Elliot Eastwick, who was the DJ at bog-roll heiress Davinia Taylor's recent 30th birthday, saw Kate Moss get up to so much shocking drug-based behaviour that he had no choice but to tell whichever newspaper would buy his story for the most money. Highlights of Eastwick's interview include:

"She was a total nightmare. It was obvious she was on drugs. I've seen enough drugged-up people to know."

"Kate pulled some poppers out of her handbag and started snorting them in really heavily. It went straight to her head. You could see her loll as it took effect."

"She grabbed my lower arm, pulled me towards her and yelled, 'Who's got the drugs?' I told her I didn't know and I didn't have any, but she said, 'I want some gear. Get me some gear. You're a DJ, you must have some'. She was tapping on a record sleeve in the motion of someone racking up lines of coke. It was obvious what she was after."

If any of this is true – and at the moment the only evidence around is the word of a DJ we've never heard of – then Kate Moss should really know better. It was just two years ago that her career was almost ended by a grainy photograph of her seeming to snort up drugs, and for new allegations to come out so soon after she's managed to haul her career upright again smacks of either irresponsibility, deep stupidity or both. Because of one alleged moment of madness, Kate Moss risks losing everything – and for good this time.

On the plus side, if this happened it'd mean we wouldn't have to hear Kate Moss mimble "Get the London look" like some sort of pikey fieldmouse every 15 minutes in her useless Rimmel adverts. In fact, we'd probably crawl through her window and plant drugs in all her clothes if we knew it'd mean she'd stop making those bloody things. 

One of the upsides to being the world's most famous odd-looking supermodel is that you're expected to be a bit raucous, which is perfectly fine unless you happen to live quite near Kate Moss when she's doing it.

Now that it finally looks as if even Kate Moss and Pete Doherty have joined the rest of the world in not caring about the status of their relationship, Kate Moss has moved out of the home they shared together and into the mansion belonging to her friend Davinia Taylor, who was in Hollyoaks for a fraction of a second over a decade ago. Anyway, it seems like all Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor want to do is party all the time like a couple of hen-night pikeys in some grotty provincial town on 50p vodka-shot night, but Kate Moss' new neighbours don't share their enthusiasm. They're so furious that they want to get the police and the government involved and stuff.

Thanks to Kate Moss' new TopShop range – and the obligatory window-sized posters of Kate Moss staring off vacantly into the middle-distance like she's trying to work out basic arithmetic that go with it – we can't walk past a branch of the store without thinking that Kate Moss is our giant, vacant, two-dimensional neighbour. And that alone is a terrifying thought – so imagine what really living next to Kate Moss must actually be like.

Even though it might appear to be a blessing that Kate Moss doesn't live with Pete Doherty any more – at least the place doesn't smell like blocked drains or sound like this bloody awful noise – now Kate Moss has moved in with toilet-roll heiress and one-time actress Davinia Taylor, things have only got worse for her neighbours.

Apparently Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor like to use their St John's Wood mansion to kid themselves that they're young again, by listening to loud music and singing and having guests like Liam Gallagher over at all hours. And even though you'd think that the natural reaction to seeing Liam Gallagher, Kate Moss and Davinia Taylor titting around together in St John's Wood would be to rub your eyes and wonder if you've fallen asleep and woken up in 1996, it seems that local residents haven't been doing that at all.

In fact, local residents are so angry with Kate Moss' parties that we'd almost feel sorry for them if only they didn't live in St John's Wood and were therefore all bastards. Like this one, 61-year-old Diane Macintosh, who told reporters:

"I don't want anything to do with them. Since they have come it has been impossible to live here. Everybody has been complaining, especially those with children. I can assure you everyone on this street is angry. I have written to the MP and to the police – everyone I can think of. It has been absolute hell since they came over. They sleep all day and go out all night. My son is going to write them a letter explaining the trouble they have caused."

Quite right too – and we're sure that the day Kate Moss learns to read she'll immediately see the error of her ways and calm down.

However, a noisy neighbour is a noisy neighbour – and the best way to fight fire is with more fire – so perhaps the residents on St John's Wood should start thinking about making a din of their own when Kate Moss is trying to sleep to see how she likes it. So if you're in the area one day and you hear a bunch of deafening harpsichord music or people making grilled halloumi cous-cous tagines really loudly, then you know it's just the good people of St John's Wood fighting back.