Aside from the bit where it staggered to a conclusion after about 16 interminable hours, what was your Grammy highlight?

Ours was the Jonas Brothers/ Stevie Wonder duet. No, of course we’re joking here – watching a gang of pubeless bumstreaks like the Jonas Brothers and what appeared to be a morbidly obese sealion huff and screech their way through Stevie Wonder’s Superstition was the dictionary definition of unbearable. Honestly, you’d need to be a monumental cockhammer to enjoy something as clearly abhorrent as that.

Incidentally, the Jonas Brothers have called the duet ‘perfect’. We’re just going to leave it at that, we think.

The Jonas Brothers have had quite the year. This time in 2008, nobody who counts really knew who any of them were, but look at them now – one of them isn’t having sex with a girl whose eyebrows clearly weigh twice as much as she does, they’re getting to make spectacularly awful-sounding films and they’re even being invited to the White House. Not bad for a gaggle of virgin wolfmen who have to tolerate Miley Cyrus for a living.

But they needed a cherry to put on their cake. And, if possible, a great big blind creatively-spent cherry. Which, funnily enough, is what the Jonas Brothers got during Sunday night’s Grammys, when they were asked to perform a duet of Superstition with Stevie Wonder himself. Now, before we go on, here’s a video of that duet…

Pick a word to describe what you’ve just seen. Clumsy? Awkward? Cringeworthy? Upsetting? The word that’s probably furthest from your mind at the moment is ‘perfect’. Not even if you like the Jonas Brothers would you describe their Grammy duet as ‘perfect’, because if you like the Jonas Brothers you’re statistically a remedial-level three-year-old and you haven’t got round to learning any two-syllable words yet.

But if you happen to be one of the Jonas Brothers and all of your objectivity has been blurred by fame and your fringe and your ridiculous eyebrows then, yes, maybe you would describe your hideous Grammy abortion as perfect. Which they’ve done, in fact. Reuters reports:

“I don’t think we would have wanted to perform with anyone else. I mean, there were stars in that room who we’d love to perform with, but that was such a perfect opportunity and a perfect collaboration.” “We walked away very, very happy,” added Kevin. “We were raised on Stevie Wonder and his music. We were blown away. To be at the Grammys for the first time performing with Stevie Wonder was awesome.”

OK, so the Jonas Brothers are wrong about the quality of their duet – gloriously, apocalyptically wrong in fact – but you can’t fault their enthusiasm. After all, as they say, they were brought up on Stevie Wonder. It’s just a shame that Stevie Wonder can’t reciprocate the praise.

After all, just look at Stevie Wonder. It’s pretty obvious that he wasn’t raised on anything other than great big wads of deep-fried cheese. Really, Stevie Wonder is very fat.

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