Hey gays! How are you? Sat their being all gay, poking at stuff with your gay hands? Good. Don’t think that we’re using your gaydom as some kind of comedic device. We’re not. We’re just saying you’re gay. Okay?

We write that disclaimer because some people can be a little jumpy when they’re mentioned. It might be through a comment on your sexuality or your chosen job. Whatever, it might make your eyes widen and spine stiffen.

So what do you make of T.I. saying that some homosexuals aren’t proper Americans? Does it get your dander up?

If you’re already bristling about T.I. – he’s a rapper if you’re wondering – he’s said that some gay people need to get over themselves.

That’s awful isn’t it? How can he say such a thing? Why is he singling out the gays?

Okay. He’s pointing at the gay people who, in his view, try and censor people from telling harmless jokes. See, he was discussing gay rights with Vibe and he says he wholeheartedly supports the gay community.

He then mentioned something Tracy Morgan said earlier this year:

“Man, I will say this, the funniest joke I ever heard Tracy say during a stand-up was, ‘C’mon man, I think gay people are too sensitive. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.’ [Cracks up laughing.] That shit was funny to me. And it’s kind of true.”

Okay? Are we all up to speed?

T.I. went on to say that he thinks there’s oversensitivity in the gay community. In his eyes, that betrays the First Amendment which guarantees freedom of speech in America.

“They’re like,‘If you have an opinion against us, we’re gonna shut you down.’ … That’s not American. If you’re gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you’re against it you should have the right to be against it in peace.”

This takes us, once again, toward the debate about The Right To Be Offended which we cursorily looked at last week.

What do you think?

You know how people sit around talking? They sit around and talk about all manner of things. Sometimes they know what they’re talking about. Sometimes not. Sometimes, people say really appalling things that would make someone sound like a monster, if taken out of context. Some people are just dull.

Well, comedians are no different. Not that they care. They’re hired to make people laugh in any way possible. Some tread an offensive line. Some are right-on. Some are aware that they’ll never make anyone laugh as hard as someone accidentally doing a particularly angry fart in a public place.

And so, Jimmy Carr has come forward to talk about his joke about people with Down Syndrome.

Carr – probably a nice bloke and obviously intelligent – has insisted there are no taboo areas in comedy and any subject is “up for grabs”.

If you missed his joke, basically he said:

“Why are they called the Sunshine Variety coaches when all the kids on them look the fucking same?”

In response to the outrage, he told Absolute Radio’s Christian O’Connell’s breakfast show that

“some people just like being offended”.

“You go, well, you can’t joke about race. Well, if you’re from a different race and that’s your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can’t talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that. Well, OK… I think anyone can talk about anything, anything’s kind of up for grabs.”

He added:

“But people are allowed to be offended as well. It’s fine to be offended. Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right. Just because you’re the comedian doesn’t mean you’re right.”

Of course, the real problem here is that Jimmy Carr is a omnipresent, dislikeable div, making it near impossible to work out whether or not to agree with his stance. So, in the interest of fairness, here’s some other comedians talking about the right to offend.

Doug Stanhope says:

“[Offended People] define themselves by their misfortunes because they can get sympathy from them. I was a victim of this or a survivor of that. They use their trials and tribulations in place of unique personality traits. Sympathy is just another form of attention and everybody loves attention – so if you can’t get on Pop Idol, get cancer. And never go out in public without wearing the ribbon on your chest.”

“This is why humour is such a danger to them because if humour can diffuse the subject matter, it will diminish their sense of martyrdom. It threatens the very foundation of their identity. Media coverage like this only supports and fuels that delusion.”

Don’t like Stanhope either? Then here’s a sketch from Steve Hughes about being offended. Okay? Have we got that clear? Before you go here’s an important message:

NEVER ACTUALLY STOP BEING OFFENDED BY STUFF BECAUSE COMEDIANS ACTUALLY THRIVE ON IT. THE MINUTE YOU STOP BEING SHOCKED OR INSULTED BY WORDS IS THE DAY EVERYONE HAS TO WORK HARDER AND NO-ONE HONESTLY WANTS THAT OKAY?

*ahem*

Hecklerspray is known for not really liking anything but when it comes to fuzzy-wuzzy, cuddly, comedic characters- we’re all over it. So you can imagine our delight when we realised that the new Muppets film draws ever closer.

The Muppets is going to be wonderful. Even if it’s the worst film ever made by human hands, it will still be wonderful, such is the strength of feeling and nostalgia for Jim Henson’s creation. That’s the kind of film that people want to see.

Admittedly, the film company seems to think that those of us in the UK want to wait three months before we see the film in cinemas but you can’t have everything.

So without much further ado. Why don’t you brighten up your Friday by taking a look at some sneak peeks of the new Muppets movie?

SONGS!

THE DESPERATE NEED FOR A CELEBRITY HOST!

ELECTROCUTION!

80s’ Movie Robots!

How can you not be excited?

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Over at the hecklerspray bedsit, we’ve been getting a little bit worried about our favourite singing foetus, Justin Bieber. We genuinely thought that the little runt had burnt himself out after constant album promotion, touring and trying to work out how Selena Gomez’s vagina works.

Apparently not though: Justin has still found the time to record a new, undoubtedly woeful, track with buck-toothed punching enthusiast Chris Brown.

Instead of recording rubbish new songs, it seems that Justin Bieber has been working to exploit other gaps in the market. Basics such as posters, cutlery and blenders have probably been covered. So now he’s taking the plunge into perfume (not literally, you understand).

With young female fans normally moistening their front bottoms while thinking about Bieber, it seems a logical move to suggest that they moisten some other areas of their body with his pungent signature scent. From initial sales figures, it appears that bottles are flying off the shelves (and not just from us throwing them on the ground).

But hold on a second, we know what you’re thinking. Why the hell would anyone over the age of fourteen be interested in buying this fragrance? We’d use it to mask the putrid stench of our dead pet dog but beyond that, is there really any need for an adult to buy it? Can’t think a reason? Then perhaps the advert for “Someday” will give you one:

Most perfume adverts are gash. They just feature anorexic women who seem to spend most of their time posturing in the direction of men who inevitably turn out to be on fire. Justin Bieber doesn’t quite share the same target market. Because his fans are juvenile enough to still believe in the tooth fairy, Santa and the Easter bunny Bieber can pretty much get away with anything.

That’s pretty much what he’s done, not once but twice. Girls everywhere will now be under the illusion that once they throw on his smelly water, the midget Canadian will burst through their windows so they can be together. If popstars of the past had known about this, the world we live in today might be a grim and eerie place. Just imagine if Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson had the knowledge of that sort of fragrance-based pulling power.

More importantly though, the power of “Someday” seems to give you the power of flight! For decades, mankind has dreamt of being able to fly, either using a hoverboard, trainers or a comedy jetpack that will probably result in death when the user propels themselves straight into the side of a building but it seems that all of these are to be confined to the realms of science fiction.

That’s right, a quick squirt of Justin Bieber’s essence seems to be the solution to the problem of individual powered flight that scientists have been wrestling with for years. Sci-fi geeks will be licking their lips in anticipation at being able to copy their heroes such as Spiderman. Though they’ll have to make their own jizz-like spider goo. Shouldn’t be a problem…

There is probably a simpler reason to explain the flying caused by the perfume. The dodgy factory that manufactured Justin Bieber’s “Someday” fragrance laced the bottles with LSD, providing each wearer with the mind bending experience of thinking that they might- Someday- receive oral sex from the Biebernator himself.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Americans either have a sense of humour or, maybe, they just like the press they get from controversy (that could well explain Sarah Palin’s baffling rise in power). We say this because apparently, Ricky Gervais has been asked to host the Golden Globes again.

Of course, you’ll remember that he upset some humourless dullards with a series of jokes that made everyone else laugh.

Dry heaving while pretending to wank-off Hugh Hefner? That’s exactly the sort of thing that will see hecklerspray jumping to our collective feet for a standing ovation. Not to mention ripping celebrity Scientologists a new one.

While smart slebs laughed along (a particular doffing of the cap must go to Robert DeNiro who looked like he was going to shit his pants he was chortling so hard), the Hollywood press decided that they didn’t like some Limey turning up and tearing strips off their hallowed Hollywood.

They took great glee in assuming that he wouldn’t be asked back to the Golden Globes, probably giving Billy Crystal the sly thumbs-up for the gig.

What they didn’t reckon on was the Golden Globes fondness for the money that comes with increased interest over imagined worldwide outrage. The largely insignificant award ceremony became the talk of the town and, should Gervais get next year’s gig, it’ll probably be transmitted live all over the world while they encourage him to go in with studs showing.

This, in fact, could be a turning point for the Golden Globes as they turn it into a comedy roast instead of some backslapping event that no-one outside of LA give two hoots about.

Gervais said:

“I don’t know what I could do better. I certainly couldn’t get more press for them, that’s for sure. The response was staggering.”

“It was discussed on every news channel and chatshow for weeks.”

And now it’s rumoured that he’s going to be asked to host it again. However, we know that Gervais doesn’t like to tread water.

In fact, he’ll probably turn it down and they’ll get Sarah Silverman to do it and… well… she’s about as funny as a blazing school full of children (which isn’t funny at all, should you need the staggeringly obvious pointing out to you).

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Like we noted yesterday, America can occasionally forget what a sense of humour is, despite the fact they’ve produced some of the most acerbic comics in history and invented the notorious advent of the comedy roast.

Yet, when on the receiving end of abuse from a British comedian, they can get a bit huffy and wounded. The great big touchy soft shits.

This has left Ricky Gervais having to defend his studs-showing stint which he delivered while hosting the Golden Globes, even though he shouldn’t have to. Gervais came armed with jokes, not guns, eh America?

Of course, us Limeys pride ourselves on our innate sense of satire and constantly chide America for not understanding sarcasm properly… unless of course, Sarah Palin is a gigantic slab of satirical comedy and no-one has cracked up through their poker face yet. If that’s the case, well done America; you had us for a moment then.

Anyway, jokes aren’t as funny when you have to either explain them or justify them. However, such is the hissy-fit being thrown in some quarters, Gervais has taken to his blog to stick two fingers up and, essentially, to tell everyone to piss-off and grow-up.

He wrote:

“I enjoyed the Globes more this year. I think I had better gags. More along the lines of the Mel Gibson one last year”

And what about the rumours about him getting taken backstage to be shot/told off?

“Obviously the rumour that the organisers stopped me going out on stage for an hour is rubbish.”

“I did every link I was scheduled to do. The reason why the gaps were uneven is because when I got the rundown I was allowed to choose who I presented to.

“I obviously chose the spots that I had the best gags for. They couldn’t move around the order but I could move around however I wanted.”

So, not only is the very notion of joking being dissected, but now, we’re being shown the admin of an awards ceremony. Thanks America. Your lack of humour has dragged us all into a scheduling hell. In triplicate.

Gervais added:

“All the same conspiracy theories as last year too … ‘so and so was offended’ … ‘hasn’t been invited back yet’ … exactly the same as last time. ‘Paul McCartney was furious’ … no he wasn’t. And nor was Tim Allen and Tom Hanks. I was drinking with them after.”

So there you have it. The only people offended are those with no funny bone. And Scientologists. And people who thought Gervais wasn’t that funny and expected better.

Happy now? Good. Now shut your traps.

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The 68th annual Golden Globes happened last night and, once again, hecklerspray‘s invite was lost in the post despite having previous when it comes to getting hold of really pure cocaine for very competitive and good prices.

Maybe we have to pretend to be Scientologists or something? Either way, we weren’t there, which means we have to rely on hearsay and reports. Please note – the former doesn’t mean we got a text from Suzanne Shaw, now starring in Emmerdale.

Anyway, apart from the winners, which no-one really cares about, the big story of the show focused on the host, Ricky Gervais who reminded us all that, sometimes, Americans don’t understand humour. Or they don’t find English people funny. One of the two.

The ceremony was buzzing with questions as Gervais went missing for nearly an hour.Rumours abounded that, after going in for the jugular almost from the off, Ricky had been fired backstage by the bosses of the show. Some idiots even speculated that he’d been taken to a parking lot and shot through the face with a great big gun (not that America has a fixation and problem with guns. God no. Not them. Or Sarah Palin. Guns don’t kill people – the bullets that guns fire into human flesh, do).

Anyway, Gervais kicked things off by ravaging Charlie Sheen, Scientology, Mel Gibson, Lost and Hugh Hefner. He also introduced Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad”. The wag. He also joked that he had to help president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, Philip Berk, to go to the toilet and “put his teeth back in”. We bet he was thrilled, especially as Gervais made jokes about them accepting bribes.

What did anyone expect? A nice, safe routine? Either way, what everyone got wasn’t too far from the level of comedic abuse you see at a Comedy Roast.

After pulling everyone’s noses, Gervais then vanished, leaving people to speculate about him being sacked or killed. Either would have been a good story to write this morning (in the case of the latter, a really brilliant story, once you’d got past the ‘tragedy’ element of it).

When Gervais returned to the fore, it was clear he wasn’t dead, however, observers muttered that he looked rather subdued, with the always pleasant and reasonable Piers Morgan (America – we’re sorry for him, okay?) noting that Gervais looked “haunted”.

So what did they do to him backstage? Suffice to say, whatever happened didn’t make Ricky Gervais laugh because, well, lets face it, if he did laugh, he would have woken the whole world up with it because, as you know, he’s got the loudest, most irritating chortle in the universe.

Either way, despite being rather funny (what? Praise from hecklerspray?), it certainly appears that Gervais won’t get a third stab at hosting the show. Next year, brace yourself for a routine from someone from the ever-appalling Big Bang Theory or something.

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Since Frankie Boyle left the BBC, he’s been sulking. He’s decided that the BBC squashed his right to free speech and, of course, freedom of speech essentially means making the most offensive jokes you can think of. A bit like a teenager chuckling over the word ‘rape’.

This has left Boyle in the unique position of being a Post Modern Jim Davidson. He doesn’t mean it maaaaan, it’s all in the name of his art, okay? His show, Tramadol Nights, has seen Muslim women being hung, jokes about mental illnesses and one that has got him in hot water with Katie Price.

Boyle made a joke about Price’s disabled son and now Ofcom will be going after him, probably leaving Boyle to see himself as some lone gunman in the West, staunchly defending something on behalf of comedy itself.

Jordan’s lawyers allege that Channel 4, who are refusing to apologise for the offensive gag, and Frankie Boyle breached the “harm and offence” clause of the Broadcasting Code.

The joke was this:

‘Jordan and Peter Andre are still fighting each other over custody of Harvey – eventually one of them will lose and have to keep him.’

He added:

‘I have a theory about the reason Jordan married a cage fighter – she needed a man strong enough to stop Harvey from fuckin’ her…’

Blammo! A two-for-one! A rape joke AND a disability joke! If he’d got AIDS in there, it would have been the most perfect joke ever written… if of course, you’re the kind of person who likes laughing at jokes that Chubby Brown would have done if he was considered ‘alt’.

Talking to a newspaper who can piss off if they think we’re giving them any traffic, Katie said:

“’Harvey Price is a little miracle. Every day he overcomes so many difficulties with the help of family and medical experts and has so many tiny battles to win due to his medical problems and autism.

‘I love him and am deeply proud to be his mother. If Mr Boyle had a tenth of his courage and decency he would know that to suggest, let alone think funny, that Harvey may sexually attack me is vile and deeply unfair.’

‘Mr Boyle clearly has serious issues and those that give him a TV platform to say such disgusting things need to look at themselves very honestly.

‘To bully this unbelievably brave child is despicable, to broadcast it on television is to show a complete and utter lack of judegment. I have asked my lawyers to write to Channel 4 on Harvey’s behalf.’

And what do Channel 4 have to say about it all?

‘Frankie Boyle is one of the highest profile comedians in the UK; he’s well known for his controversial humour and the programme carried appropriate warnings as to the nature of the material.

‘The joke aired in the context of a late night comedy show. The joke itself has been performed by Frankie as part of his stage show and, as with much of his material, is an absurdist and satirical comment on high profile individuals whose lives have been played out in the media.’

Oh, that’s alright then. Three cheers for Frankie Boyle! Defender of our right to say a disabled kid might rape his own mother!

Of course, what makes this even trickier is that Katie Price is an infuriating celebrity who makes it incredibly difficult to side with in any instance, so to be on the safe side and join in with this new found freedom to say disgusting things about famous people, we think that this whole sorry scenario can only be resolved by killing them both in a televised event.

Throw some rape in as well just so we look edgy. Don’t be disgusted! We’re just jokinglol!!!!4!!

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What happens when you make an idle joke about blowing an airport up on Twitter to a couple of hundred followers who all know that what you’re saying is meant to be a joke at the expense of your frustration?

Well, in the UK, you’re branded a terrorist, that’s what.

Yesterday, Paul Chambers was convicted of being a “menace” after saying something in jest. He’s now expected to cough-up the fees and probably won’t get a job for a very long time, thanks to Judge Jacqueline Davies’ completely non-understanding of humour. So what does this mean for hecklerspray?

Okay. First thing is first. What did Paul Chambers say?

“Crap! Robin Hood airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!!”

It would appear that, when you say something that is so blatantly a joke, you can still find yourself getting your collar felt by the long arm of the law.  Obviously, any potential terrorist would announce their plans on twitter before going through with any murderous activity. That’s how easy it is to catch ‘em these days, eh? Yeah. You tell that to those still chasing the militants out in the Middle East.

And while you may think that this joke was in poor taste and that there was always a threat that this may get taken seriously, we do now have to consider what each of us say online, as Judge Davies has now kicked open a door that could see people chasing prosecution for the flippant things you say on the web – and that includes hecklerspray, which many readers consistently fail to realise is a satirical site that says things in jest which are sometimes incredibly close to the knuckle.

Chambers and his partner are now left to consider whether they want to appeal again, with Stephen Fry offering to pay their costs. You wouldn’t blame them if they felt they just had no fight left in them, considering that the law on this occasion has so badly failed them.

Their main concern will be to clear Chambers’ name, so he can go back and rebuild his life. He’s already been fired from two jobs as a result of this.

To be selfish for a moment, hecklerspray is worried about the wider implications of this hearing.

If you want to know how this is already affecting people, a Tory MP has just been arrested for a Tweet. In a crude attack, delivered via humour, Gareth Compton said:

“Can someone please stone Yasmin Alibhai-Brown to death? I shan’t tell Amnesty if you don’t. It would be a blessing, really.”

While this gag is in poor taste, it’s not unlike some of the things we’d say on these pages. Only recently, we joked that sometimes, John Lennon’s murder could be seen as a good thing. The article noted that this was a crass joke and that we don’t wish murder on anyone, but like these tweets, taken out of context, hecklerspray could be effectively tried for condoning the murder of an innocent man.

What is so troubling is that this pathetic verdict came on a day when we paid tribute to those who fought for our freedom of speech. Remembrance Day 2010 was the day that showed just how woefully out of touch the law is. Both of these arrests were based on a law that was designed to protect switchboard workers from nuisance calls in the 1930s. A law, incidentally, that wasn’t used to haul John Betjeman in after he wrote “come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! It isn’t fit for humans now.”

It seems that this war on terror, which is wielded so awkwardly by the powers that be, with such a dismally heavy fist, isn’t in fact an attempt to protect the British public, but rather, an attempt to criminalise those who refuse to be terrorised.

This may well set a dangerous tone for those wanting to make light of a serious situation – something comedians and satirists have done since humans could talk. And with our hammed-up jokes, teed-up with the understanding that you realise that we’re horsing around, we’re now looking at going through our work with a fine tooth comb for fear of getting arrested. Arrested for writing some words that were meant to make those that get it laugh.

So we’re faced with two options here. Go for the jugular, or, start holding back on what we say. This is a very worrying moment indeed where we have to be very, very careful about how we word a joke. The contempt and disgust at this verdict is palpable at the moment, but we have to remember that, while we selfishly worry about our collective position in all of this, there’s a normal bloke who could well be looking at a rather bleak future, thanks to the backward, regressive views of someone divorced from the modern world.

The judge viewed the tweet as obviously ‘menacing’, when really, the only menacing thing we’re dealing with here is that the judicial system hasn’t been able to understand what the world is like now the internet is embedded into it. The landscape has changed, yet sadly, the processes still involve people who are unable to understand what is going on – even though they’re the ones who are to pass judgement on how we live our lives and, seemingly, what it’s acceptable to joke about.

So, thanks for that Judge Davies. Someone really ought to [JOKE REMOVED].

If you’d like to donate to Paul Chambers’ appeal, then do so here.

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UK newsreaders are supposed to be impartial, which is why our news is so very boring compared to the mental rantings they have in the States. They lean so heavily on their views, claiming freedom of speech all the way, that you’re almost guaranteed one nervous breakdown per show.

The latest is from CNN anchor, Rick Sanchez, who is now looking for another job after being thrown out of the office for quite possibly being a bit anti-Semitic.

Sanchez was fired last week over remarks made on a Sirius radio show programme, where he branded Stewart a ‘bigot’ and claimed that the media was run by ‘people like him’… which is a see-through reference to Stewart’s Jewishry. Unless, of course, he meant ‘smart-arses’.

Anyway, Sanchez was told to clear his desk… what he had on his desk is none of our business, but if you’d like to make Nazi jokes, then feel free. You’d be wrong though. Sanchez isn’t Aryan, he’s just wheezingly dim.

And so, it was only a matter of time before Stewart got a dig in back at the hugely stupid CNN anchor.

Opening a show to raise funds for autism, Stewart suggested that donors feeling guilty about something should donate money for the benefit’s good cause.

He said:

“If you dented a car, $50. If you cheated on something to get ahead, $500. And if you went on radio and said Jews run the media, in that case you better hold onto your money.”

Then, implying that Jews actually do run the whole of the media world, Stewart added:

“All he has to do is apologise to us and we’ll hire him back.”

Veteran newsdude Tom Brokaw and pants-down chat show king, David Letterman joined in taking the piss out of Sanchez. Letterman said that he was in Manhattan over the weekend helping Sanchez ‘clean out his office’ and NBC anchor Brokaw joked:

“In junior high I didn’t want to sit next to Rick Sanchez either.”

If you missed the initial furore, Sanchez said:

“[Stewart] is upset that someone of my ilk is almost at his level.”

Sanchez said that Stewart was bigoted toward ‘everybody else that’s not like him’ and that Stewart ‘can’t relate to what I grew up with’.

Of course, someone pointed out to Sanchez that Stewart is also from a minority, Sanchez said:

“I’m telling you that everyone who runs CNN is a lot like Stewart, and a lot of people who run all the other networks are a lot like Stewart, and to imply that somehow they, the people in this country who are Jewish, are an oppressed minority?”

He signed off with a sarcastic flourish of:

“Yeah. I can’t see someone not getting a job these days because they’re Jewish.”

Uh-oh.

Jon Stewart is a funny man – we can all agree on that.

Whether it’s his numerous quips on The Daily Show or his hosting of the Oscars, he very rarely fails to make us smile.

In fact, Jon Stewart is so funny he could probably make us laugh while telling us we have terminal cancer. Or that our dog had just been run over. He is so funny, politicians go on his show just to have the pleasure of getting the piss taken out of them.

He could even make us giggle at Stu’s TV programme, Tonightly, or Dane Cook. Because he’s that funny.

Actually, the last two are probably pushing it, but you get the gist.

He is a very funny man. Not that he could be funnier, mind. Employ a few hecklerspray writers and you really would be the funniest funnyman in the history of funny things, Jon. You can do it, Jon! Just pick up the phone. Forget, Stu’s Tonightly programme, he was going through a bad time. He can be much funnier than that, honest. Just answer one of the million emails we sent you begging for jobs. What’s the matter, funnyman? Can’t handle the competition?

Anyway, did we mention Jon Stewart is a funny man? And with Barack Obama‘s inauguration happening tomorrow, we thought it would be nice to deliver a timely reminder of just how funny Jon Stewart is by recounting some of his most humorous quips.

Please feel free to suggest any more. There must be millions, he’s that funny….

20. The Christian Right
“They always throw around this term ‘the liberal elite.’ And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What’s more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?”

19. On Bush
Jon Stewart: “Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for – the official halfway point of the Bush presidency.”
President Bush: “I George Walker Bush do solemnly swear…”
Stewart: “At which point 49 percent of the country also solemnly swore.”

18. On Bush (again)
“You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.”

17. On journalism
“Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.”

16. On the Republican party
“Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.”

15. On John McCain’s medical records
“Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000
pages of medical records.”

14. On an historic election
“Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.”

13. On Bjork’s absence from the Oscars
“I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her.”

12. On the Republican party
“This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was unarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behaviour. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush’s Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren’t stranded in Monica Lewinsky’s vagina.”

11. On the US’ international standing
“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”

10. On Thanksgiving
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

9. On the commercial breaks during the Oscars
“In case you’re wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you’re all wearing at home.”

8. On Canada
“I’ve been to Canada, and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in two days.”

7. On Timothy McVeigh
“Timothy McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.”

6. On Amazon
“Do you guys have to sell everything? I’d like to buy the Earth’s core.”

5. On rival presenters, 2004
With reference to Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala: “They said I wasn’t being funny. And I said to them, ‘I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow’.”

4. On Liza Minnelli and David Gest, 2003
“I don’t know how it didn’t work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.”

3. On Arnie
“Critics noted Schwarzenegger’s only previous government experience was serving as chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, where [his] only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was doing anyway.”

2. On Ronald Reagan’s funeral
“I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we’re not getting that.”

1. On Iraq
“We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem – it’s in North Korea.”

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Dane Cook is a talentless hack, unfunny to the nth degree and now, it would seem, is something of a preening twit about his image.

In hecklerspray‘s opinion, of course.

Aside from running around on stage, being both sickeningly popular and yet managing to remain devoid of any actual ‘comedy’ – a special achievement for a comedian, no doubt – Dane Cook is now complaining about the poster for his new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, because on it he looks weird.

What the actual issue is, we’re not sure – he always looks weird to us.

Posting on his MySpace blog, Cook lambasted the poster, whoever made it, Photoshop, his own face, some other things and… well, we got bored, because he’s even less funny than we are on our bad days. Instead of reading it we just went back to the enlightening YouTube videos that claim he steals his jokes from other, less-known, funnier comedians.

Not like that’s ever happened in stand up before now, is it? Just as it’s not like mainstream bands steal from ones on the underground, Hollywood steals from indie cinema and advertising steals from everything that’s ever existed ever. Unfounded, ridiculous allegations. In a way.

Anyway, we would go and post all of Dane’s lovely blog, but it’s really long and boring, full of the type of sitting-on-the-fence language where he wants to slate the poster and whoever was involved in its creation while at the same time making sure to go on about how great the movie itself is, just so he doesn’t fall foul of the studio bigwigs.

And they say integrity is overrated.

Part of the blog, at least, said these words:

Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

The rant went on:

The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears’ vagina.

Well, at least we know he can’t spell now. Just another thing to add to the list.

There’s a lot more of it, but it’s all ‘ho ho ho look at me I’m a funny man!’ pseudo-criticism that makes him look like more of a whiny prat than normal, so we’ll just stick with those two bits for now. If you want to find the rest, go to MySpace and search for ‘overrated hack’.

Anywho, in the list of Dane’s complaints, he mouths off about his face, his skin, his eyes, what he’s wearing and just about everything else about his image. Does that mean he’s resorted to stealing hecklerspray‘s material too? We are more than happy to have a go at him for all of those things, you see. We’ll have to adapt and go for his personality as well, just to see if he’ll follow suit.

That would be a blog post worth reading.

You should never rip off one of Jay Leno's jokes – mainly because it's bound to be so unfunny that you'll lose your job, be dumped by your girlfriend and end up dying alone on the streets.

But also there's a chance that Jay Leno will sue you and win. And that's what's just happened. Jay Leno has just won a lawsuit against Judy Brown, who published compendiums containing jokes stolen from his routines.

And as a result Judy Brown will have to publish something less funny instead, like… nope, there isn't any less funny than one of Jay Leno's jokes. 

This writers' strike has been tough on a lot of people, but none have suffered quite as much as Jay Leno. For the strike means that Jay Leno has to host his big-rated nightly hour-long talkshow completely unscripted. And if anything that even so much as looks like a scripted moment occurs, Jay Leno gets called a bastard by the entire WGA.

Worse still, movie stars don't want to cross the picket lines to appear on Jay Leno's show, so he's been reduced to interviewing people like Jimmy Kimmel – which is basically the equivalent of shouting questions into an empty, vaguely ape-shaped, well.

But things aren't completely bleak for Jay Leno because he's just managed to sue the ass off a woman who stole some of his jokes for compendiums she put together. Reuters reports:

The publishers of such compendiums as "Jokes to Go," "Comedy Thesaurus" and "The Funny Pages" vowed to immediately stop printing and distributing the books in a settlement with Leno and fellow comedians who sued author Judy Brown. "In my books, I have published jokes of Jay Leno and the other comedians in this lawsuit without their permission," Brown said in a statement. "I sincerely apologize for doing so. I greatly admire the creativity, wit and energy of stand-up comedians, and I recognize that comedy is as much an art form as other types of creative expression."

Ethically it's a tricky one. On the one hand Judy Brown obviously put Jay Leno's jokes in her books because she's such a big fan of his, and it looks a little unfair when a multimillionaire TV star sues his fans.

But on the other hand, Judy Brown is a Jay Leno fan, so she's probably mad as a biscuit and deserves to be shut away in a lightless box for the rest of her life.

See? We told you it was a tricky one. 

Read more: 

Jay Leno gets last laugh on joke books - Reuters