Over at the hecklerspray bedsit, we've been getting a little bit worried about our favourite singing foetus, Justin Bieber. We genuinely thought that the little runt had burnt himself out after constant album promotion, touring and trying to work out how Selena Gomez?s vagina works.
Apparently not though: Justin has still found the time to record a new, undoubtedly woeful, track with buck-toothed punching enthusiast Chris Brown.
Instead of recording rubbish new songs, it seems that Justin Bieber has been working to exploit other gaps in the market. Basics such as posters, cutlery and blenders have probably been covered. So now he's taking the plunge into perfume (not literally, you understand).
With young female fans normally moistening their front bottoms while thinking about Bieber, it seems a logical move to suggest that they moisten some other areas of their body with his pungent signature scent. From initial sales figures, it appears that bottles are flying off the shelves (and not just from us throwing them on the ground).
But hold on a second, we know what you're thinking. Why the hell would anyone over the age of fourteen be interested in buying this fragrance? We?d use it to mask the putrid stench of our dead pet dog but beyond that, is there really any need for an adult to buy it? Can't think a reason? Then perhaps the advert for ?Someday? will give you one:
Most perfume adverts are gash. They just feature anorexic women who seem to spend most of their time posturing in the direction of men who inevitably turn out to be on fire. Justin Bieber doesn't quite share the same target market. Because his fans are juvenile enough to still believe in the tooth fairy, Santa and the Easter bunny Bieber can pretty much get away with anything.
That's pretty much what he's done, not once but twice. Girls everywhere will now be under the illusion that once they throw on his smelly water, the midget Canadian will burst through their windows so they can be together. If popstars of the past had known about this, the world we live in today might be a grim and eerie place. Just imagine if Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson had the knowledge of that sort of fragrance-based pulling power.
More importantly though, the power of ?Someday? seems to give you the power of flight! For decades, mankind has dreamt of being able to fly, either using a hoverboard, trainers or a comedy jetpack that will probably result in death when the user propels themselves straight into the side of a building but it seems that all of these are to be confined to the realms of science fiction.
That’s right, a quick squirt of Justin Bieber?s essence seems to be the solution to the problem of individual powered flight that scientists have been wrestling with for years. Sci-fi geeks will be licking their lips in anticipation at being able to copy their heroes such as Spiderman. Though they?ll have to make their own jizz-like spider goo. Shouldn’t be a problem…
There is probably a simpler reason to explain the flying caused by the perfume. The dodgy factory that manufactured Justin Bieber?s ?Someday? fragrance laced the bottles with LSD, providing each wearer with the mind bending experience of thinking that they might- Someday- receive oral sex from the Biebernator himself.
Chance would be a fine thing.