Do you hear that noise? That loud, regular, cracking noise that sounds like a constant 21-gun salute? You do?

Turns out that’s Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s biological clock. Loud, huh? So loud, in fact, that it appears to have sent Jennifer Love Hewitt a bit berserk. You see, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t married yet. Or engaged. But all that’s going to change, yes sirree.

Jennifer Love Hewitt says that if her boyfriend hasn’t proposed to her in a year, there’ll be ‘a situation’. Save the date, kids – June 4 2010 is the date Jennifer Love Hewitt officially becomes a gnarled old spinster. Fun!

Deep down, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Nothing’s really turned the way she wanted. A decade ago it looked like she might become one of the biggest actresses on the planet, with a glittering pop career that’d rival the likes of Britney Spears and a blissful marriage to an A-list husband. Fast-forward to now, though, and what does Jennifer Love Hewitt have?

A CV full of nightmarish phrases like ‘Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties‘, ‘Jackie Chan’s The Tuxedo‘ and ‘That awful programme about the woman who grimaces sympathetically at ghosts’, that’s what. Add to that plans to record a country album – everyone’s favourite last-ditch bid for musical recognition – and a total lack of any form of wedding bells whatsoever, and you’ve got yourself a sad little picture of unfulfilled desire.

And that’s something that Jennifer Love Hewitt just isn’t going to stand for any more. She already has one broken engagement behind her, so she’s decided to grab life by the scruff of the neck and take matters into her own hands the only way she knows how – by publicly warning her boyfriend that if he hasn’t proposed to her in 12 months’ time, she’s going to rip his balls off and shove them up his nose. Marie Claire reports:

The actress has been dating her Ghost Whisperer co-star Jamie Kennedy since December last year. However, talking on Arizona radio’s Johnjay And Rich show, the 30-year-old [said] ‘By this time next year, if we’re not planning something, then there’s a situation,’ she stressed.

Attagirl, Jen. After all, everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through a series of humiliating public ultimatums. Keep this up for long enough and you’ll have broken his spirit so much that he won’t just become glumly resigned to the fact that you’re going to marry him, but also to the fact that you want chihuahuas for bridesmaids and a first dance accompanied by a medley of Shania Twain songs performed on a harp, too. Not bad for someone who you haven’t even been going out with for a year yet. Take note, girls.

But still, it’s a little bit sad that Jennifer Love Hewitt has been forced into a position where she literally has to terrify a man in front of an audience to even get close to getting married. What’s the moral of this story? We say it’s that none of this would have happened if Jennifer Love Hewitt had done the decent thing and taken her top off once or twice in a film back when people liked her.

Then again, that is our answer to everything.

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Over the years, horror films have produce some of the sexiest girls ever seen on screen.

Whether it’s an attractive blonde kicking the crap out of anything with sharp teeth, sultry vampires wanting to suck you dry or busty babes who are destined to be hacked to pieces the minute they decide to go off to the woods with the local jock, it’s a winning formula.

If we were psychologist we would say their appeal has something to do with wanting to rescue damsels in distress.

But we actually think it has more to do with the fact horror films are usually stocked with a seemingly never-ending supply of teenage girls desperate to get their kit off.

But just who are the real Queens of Scream?

Well, Hecklerspray has decided to come up with a list. Just take in mind there are whole load of horror babes to filter down into just 26, so please feel free to suggest your own. Not that you usually need any encouragement.

Enjoy.

26. Kim Poirier
Notable horror appearance: Dawn of the Dead (2004)

She’s the one in the clip prancing around in her underwear if you are not sure.

25. Adrienne Barbeau
Notable horror appearances: The Fog (1980), The Twilight Zone (1985), Creepshow (1982)

She’s the radio host with the sexy voice in The Fog. Still not sure, OK, she was one of the sexy girls in the lamborghini that kept flashing her breasts at policemen in Cannonball Run. Now you got it!!
Anyway, enjoy the clip of her in The Fog trailer. It’s terrible.

24. Anne Parillaud
Notable horror appearance: Innocent Blood (1992)

She’s so sexy in Innocent Blood you forget just how terrible it is.

23. Angie Everhart
Notable horror appearance: Bordello of Blood (1996)

Has to be the sexiest ever portrayal of a vampire prostitute.

22. Soledad Miranda
Notable horror appearances: Vampyros Lesbos (1971) and a whole lot more

True scream queen.

21. Jennifer Tilly
Notable film appearance: Bride of Chucky (1998)

Not sure about her acting, but she’s certainly hot.

20. Shannon Elizabeth
Notable horror appearances: Thir13en Ghosts (2001) and, errr, Jack Frost (1996)

Check out the clip. Humped to death by a snowman. That’s no way to die.

19. Naomi Watts
Notable horror film: The Ring

Of course, the clip I wanted to put in is the one in Mulholland Drive, but I just could not justify it.

18. Rose McGowan
Notable horror appearances: Planet Terror (2007), Scream (1996)

The hottest thing on, errrr, one leg.

17. Jenny Agutter
Notable horror appearance: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Jenny Agutter as a slutty nurse. Brilliant.

16. Neve Campbell
Notable horror appearances: Scream series (1996-2000)

Would have been higher, apart from the fact that I personally do not rate her. I just knew if I missed her out, people would be very unhappy.

15. Jamie Lee Curtis
Notable horror appearances: Halloween series (1978-2007), The Fog (1980)

A true scream queen with one of the finest racks in Hollywood. Not bad for a man.

14. Ingrid Pitt
Notable horror appearances: Countess Dracula (1971)

A true horror legend and sexy to boot.

13. Kate Beckinsale
Notable horror appearances: Underworld series (2003-2006)

We’re not huge fans of Kate Beckinsale or Underworld, but you got to just love that outfit.

12. Fay Wray
Notable horror appearances: King Kong (1933), Doctor X (1932), The Vampire Bat (1933)

Great pair of lungs.

11. Salma Hayek
Notable horror appearance: From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

One of our favourite ever scenes.

10. Asia Argento
Notable horror appearance: Land of the Dead (2005)

Asia is perfect scream queen material: she’s tough, sexy and isn’t afraid to get her breasts out.

9. Janet Leigh
Notable horror appearance: Psycho (1960)

Now that’s what I call a shower scene.

8. Edwige Fenech
Notable horror appearances: Hostel II (2007), Case Of The Bloody Iris (1972)

Very sexy, French-born Italian actress more noted for her ‘erotic comedies’. By the way, she’s not the one getting stabbed at the beginning of the clip. She’s the dark-haired on a bit later.

7. Monica Keena
Notable horror appearance: Freddie v Jason (2003)

OK, the film was a load of rubbish, but she was certainly worth watching. Not sure why they deleted the scene above though.

6. Eliza Dushku
Notable horror appearances: Wrong Turn (2003), Buffy, Angel…

5. Barbara Steele
Notable horror appearances: Too many to list

One of the greatest and sexiest scream queens of all time. But don’t take my word for it. Let Clive Barker fill you in.

4. Linnea Quigley
Notable horror appearances: The Return of the Living Dead (1985) and loads more

A true horror legend. That scene in The Return of the Living Dead will live long in the memory. OK, the clip above is not that great.

3. Anna Falchi
Notable horror appearance: Dellamorte Dellamore (1994)

She’s so sexy even Rupert Everitt fancies her.

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Notable horror appearance: I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

We just love the Hewitt.

1. Sarah Michelle-Gellar
Notable horror appearances: Buffy, I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997), Scream 2 (1997), The Grudge (2004)

It was a tough call between her and Jennifer Love Hewitt, but Buffy wins by the fact she kicks ass and is in more horror films. OK, the clip has nothing to do with horror, but who cares.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was a blubbering wreck, on the verge of destroying her career by not weighing next-to-nothing.

Fortunately, the girl saw sense and has shed that disgusting weight that was – both figuratively and literally – holding her down. Yes, friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has gone and lost 18 pounds, after those photos appeared of her last year when she looked normal.

Obviously when we say ‘normal’ it’s meant by our standards – if we were judging by the usual Hollywood standards then you could take it to mean ‘foul, disgusting and haggish, really fat and unworthy of ever working on anything – film, TV or even radio – ever again’.

Because apparently that’s what we consider ‘normal’ is to these people.

It was around November of last year when these evil, disgusting photos emerged – around the time Jennifer had confirmed her engagement to a man who did some voice overs in Call of Duty 2. She was pictured frolicking around in a bikini, in some water, without a size 0 waist.

This was, apparently, tantamount to a war crime. The holocaust had nothing on her hips. The world of showbiz news went (quite literally) insane, but Jennie Loving Hew stuck to her guns, telling people:

“I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.”

The newly-appointed crusader for moral weight-related justice went on:

“A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family, and like all women out there should, I love my body.”

After thankfully making it clear that she knew how much she had disgusted us all with her blubberous behind by acknowledging she ‘knew what she looked like’, she finished by saying:

“To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.”

Which obviously made us all vomit everywhere straight away, as the sheer thought of someone that didn’t look like a carbon copy of a stick insect brings the bile rushing up faster than we could ever hope to keep it down.

But Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn’t seem to be a woman that stands by her words, and instead it looks as if she feels that the world of the celebrity press can dictate to her how she should live her life. Appearing in some new photoshoots in some crap that’s printed, she opened up on losing 18 pounds, bringing herself back down to the stupidly skinny way she’s supposed to be. According to magazines and a moronic public.

Speaking to the press, her personal trainer responsible for making her acceptable to the human eye once more said these words:

“With her, it’s not, ‘I want to look good in that dress’. She wanted to start moving around because she thought it would make her feel better. [Jennifer] told me, ‘They said some rude, mean things, but that’s not why I wanted to change’.”

Actually, we don’t believe that. Hecklerspray believes the reason Jennifer Love Hewitt lost the weight is because of that exact reason – because some “rude”, “mean” things were said. She felt the pressure that comes with being judged by a press and public that have only ever seen you as the size 0 commodity that you are to them, and as soon as you do something with your own body that you want to do, they jump on you.

But hey, who are we to complain? As long as she still has cracking norks.

Janice Dickinson has just spent three weeks in the jungle living off nothing but kangaroo anuses and the nervous energy that comes from listening to Christopher Biggins shriek like a schoolgirl every two seconds.

And all this has made Janice Dickinson thin. Not only that, but it's turned Janice Dickinson into a sort of fat-fairy who can twinkle into any room, wiggle her wand and declare that people are either fat or thin depending on nothing more than how she feels at any given moment in time. And, as such, Janice Dickinson has just told the world that Tyra Banks is fat on the Today show. Although Tyra Banks has yet to respond to Janice's fat claim, it's thought that she'll issue a statement by teatime declaring that Janice Dickinson lives in a cardboard box, has fleas and buys all her clothes from Asda.

That's unless she eats it first, the lardy moo.

God, we'd love to be models. Sadly our pallid skin, greenish teeth and aversion to vomiting up every meal we ever eat means we'll probably never get to live that dream, but what a dream it is. If you're a model you get to travel the world looking gaunt and never thinking about anything more challenging than lovely frocks for fear that your brain will burst into flames and – if you're really lucky – you get to knob Pete Doherty. That's the lifestyle we want, damnit!

Oh, also models get to sneer at everyone else in the world because several ancestral genetic flukes have left them with a lucratively withered face and jutted-out ribcage while the rest of us are all slightly paunchy in places. And some of them – like Janice Dickinson – can even sneer at other models for being fat when they clearly aren't anything of the sort.

Janice Dickinson has threatened to kick-start a war of words with Tyra Banks after she called her fat on the Today show yesterday. While discussing Jennifer Love-Hewitt, who was recently pictured on the beach with buttocks so dimply they could be used as novelty peanut dispensers, Janice Dickinson said:

"Jennifer Love Hewitt is a healthy, not emaciated woman. She is a healthy girl. These are unflattering camera angles on her. You want to see someone fat, I'm sorry, Tyra, Tyra Banks is fat!"  

Janice Dickinson's words might seem to you like nothing more than a vaguely childish playground taunt, but they words will cut much deeper for Tyra Banks. Firstly, for a former supermodel to call another former supermodel fat is the third-biggest insult in the trade – after 'Are they split-ends?' and 'Oh my God, did you just, like, actually digest some food?' – and also Tyra Banks already knows she's fat, thank you.

Tyra Banks has such a weird obsession about her weight fluctuations that every third episode of her daytime TV show is devoted to either wearing a fat-suit to understand what being fat is like, shouting angrily into cameras about why people shouldn't call her fat or standing about in a bikini screaming "Worship me! I am a fraction of one percent less fat than I was a month ago!"  

And now Janice Dickinson has just fuelled the fire of Tyra Banks' weight-based neuroses even further with her remarks. While we await Tyra's inevitable public reply – which we assume will either be an outraged monologue on her TV show or a slow slide into weepingly inert Krispy Kreme dependency – perhaps Janice Dickinson should take some time to look at her own behaviour.

After all, Janice Dickinson is one of the lucky ones – we can't all look like a knotted-up sheet of dried-out pigskin, you know.

Read more:

Janice Dickinson: "Tyra Banks Is Fat!" - OK! 

Sorry boys, Jennifer Love Hewitt has just got engaged – so the closest you'll ever get to an intimate moment with Jennifer Love Hewitt will remain that time you furtively licked her ear on the DVD cover of Garfield: A Tail Of Two Kitties.

But who is this awful monster who, by getting engaged to Jennifer Love Hewitt, has wrecked your dreams of running your hands through Jennifer Love Hewitt's hair while riding pretty horses together in a rainbow-dappled meadow? Why none other than completely unknown Scottish actor Ross McCall. Still, the least we can do is congratulate Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall on their engagement. Well, that and fear the day that their offspring is born, because if the genes of the woman from Jackie Chan's worst movie and the man from one episode of Pie In The Sky can't combine to create the world's most powerful super-villain, we don't know what can.

Jennifer Love Hewitt might not have become the giant movie star people once thought she'd become – preferring instead to star in a dull TV show about helping ghosts with emotional issues – but Jennifer Love Hewitt will always have one thing to her advantage, and that's her norks.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's norks are the stuff of legend, albeit the sort of rubbish legend about being the seventh runner-up in a competition to find famous people with good boobs. But the most special thing about Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts is that she possesses a rock-hard resilience to ever showing them to anyone ever. In the past Jennifer Love Hewitt has turned down Playboy offers and film roles because they meant she'd have to finally reveal the shape and colour of her nipples.

And the situation has got so bad that some bloke's got so desperate to see what Jennifer Love Hewitt look like naked that he's just got engaged to her. Ross McCall – a Scottish actor who you'll remember from one episode of Bones, one episode of CSI: NY and one episode of The Brittas Empire – met Jennifer Love Hewitt during his stint in one episode of Ghost Whisperer and the two of them embarked on the sort of high-octane relationship that meant that nobody even knew they were even together until they got engaged.

And make no mistake, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall are definitely engaged. Jennifer Love Hewitt's slave said so. Look:

"They got engaged last week."

See? But while we're happy for Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ross McCall – who apparently presented his fiancee with an antique ring that's been in his family for 100 years – we can't help feeling a little bit sorry for Jennifer Love Hewitt's small army of male fans, who'll all have to resign themselves to pausing their Jennifer Love Hewitt DVDs when she's making an "ooh" sound so it makes it look like she's kissing back when they slobber all over their TV screens. Which, um, we heard some people do.

Ahem.

Read more:

Love Hewitt Engaged – Daily Dish