Video games get sequels all the time. We’re near-constantly being beaten around the head with them. Yet, there are few video games that prompt more feverish excitement amongst fans than the Resident Evil series, so let’s have a gander at the trailer for Resident Evil 6 shall we?

The uneducated will confuse this with the trailer for some dreadful Underworld-style actual film, but hardcore Resident Evil fans will be simultaneously excited and dismayed by the teasers for ‘the gaming experience of 2012’ (ie: ‘the gaming experience of four hours of 2012 so they can be the first to post a review on gamefaqs.com’).

Use your bleary, bloodshot eyes to watch the trailer and read our jokes over the jump:

0:11 Oh God it’s Leon from Resident Evils 2 and 4. And he’s still not ditched the whole emo/military thing. Get a haircut Leon.

0:39 The president of the United States informs Leon what a great relationship they have. HE’S JUST LIKE JACK BAUER. Hang on though. Bloody hell, Leon and his hair have now shot the president of the United States. Some random woman is involved. Crackers. This isn’t like 24 at all.

1:11 “90% of the population of Tall Oaks have been infected with the virus. That runs at about 70,000 hostiles.” Says some woman in a Situation Room.

“Yeah, this is Raccoon City all over again.” Says Leon and his hair.

No, this is Resident Evil 2 all over again. Resident Evil 2 was not a good game. Bugger.

1:29 The action has transferred to Japan! Because the Japan bit was the best bit of The Dark Knight! (The Japan bit was not the best bit of The Dark Knight. It wasn’t even in Japan! It was Hong Kong! Pay attention, Capcom!) It’s got Chris Redfield from the first Resident Evil in it! He’s part of some sort of Alpha Team. Oh dear. Fans of the series will know that being part of an Alpha Team is like wearing being beamed down to a planet in Star Trek wearing a red shirt.

2:06 Yeah, Alpha Team seem to meet some terrible grief. Involving Nemesis from Resident Evil 3 by the look. The one no-one enjoyed. Yawn.

2:16 Oh no. Surely not. The squeaky voice… yes, it’s Ashley from Resident Evil 4. Massively annoying, complains-if-you-look-up-her-skirt, only-useful-for-crawling-through-the-very-few0obviously-placed-confined-spaces-in-the-whole-game Ashley. “The world needs you!” She squeaks. Monumentally tiresome Ashley.

2:40 Chris Redfield in full effect! He nearly says “Bitch” but it’s edited. A young male colleague warns him against a “personal vendetta” like he’s Chase Edmunds out of series 3 of 24 or something. And we all know what happened to him. Rumours that you get to chop the cocky little bastard’s hand off yourself are currently unconfirmed by Capcom.

2:47 onwards. Standard scenes to be honest. This viewer could be watching any trailer for anything at all.

Oh do you know what? It’ll be like this – abysmal control system as always, inability to run whilst shooting as always, co-op throughout that no-one wants (even in single player), bunch of hardcore fans going all “it’s not even a Resident Evil game, I liked it when it wasn’t fully-rendered 3D and you had to wait 30 seconds for a door to open on the Dreamcast so the next bunch of gloomy corridors and rooms could load” and otherwise it’ll be brilliant.

Enjoy. Or don’t.

Martial arts legend and screen icon Jackie Chan survived his own death yesterday, proving once again that he is definitely much harder than Ross Kemp.

But that really isn’t saying much.

Jackie Chan became a top trending topic on Twitter worldwide after rumours of his death began to circulate on the micro messaging site. Now, far be it from us to criticise the users of Twitter, but how stupid do you have to be to rely on it as your primary source of news about celebrity deaths?

Surely that’s what hecklerspray is for?

The dribbling morons who specialise in retweeting anything and everything they see, in some vain hope that people will care about what content they’re pissing into the vast ocean of pointless information, began spreading the news around almost immediately after the initial Jackie Chan RIP tweet was… erm… tweeted.

God forbid people would actually check to see whether a story was true before they spread it around, even we here in the hecklerspray bedsit took the time to consult our good friend Google for confirmation of Chan’s death, only to be disappointed by the news he was still alive and had also recently starred in some sort of bizarre remake of Vin Diesel’s opus, The Pacifier.

We’re putting this down to the fact that people want to be the first to break the news to you that someone famous has died. A few years ago this was done with text messages, we all remember receiving text messages informing us that Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger had died.

But no one cares about texting any more because we have Twitter, which is like texting only on a larger scale and infinitely more annoying. But because Twitter is instant you have to be quick, so those few seconds you spent Googling the facts could be the difference between being retweeted or having to retweet.

It was either that or an extremely bizarre viral campaign by Channel 5 in the UK, who were showing one of Chan’s more commercially successful films, Rush Hour, on their digital sister station 5* last night.

The best moment of this story came from the London trending topics on Twitter though, where Jackie Chan’s name appeared right next to the hashtag, #thingsblackfolksscaredof.

Come to think of it, Chris Tucker did look a little uneasy during Rush Hour…

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When will Gary Glitter realise that his punishment isn’t over?

Yes, he served three years in a Vietnamese prison for molesting young girls, but when he eventually gets back to Britain – where seemingly everyone in South East Asia is trying to make him go – he’s not going to be able to sit back, relax and record his new album as he said he wants to.

Though we are convinced that being a convicted kiddy fiddler wouldn’t stand in the way of chart success.

But Gary Glitter is making it all rather hard on himself, by refusing to travel back to the UK to face his further punishments. Instead he’s running about like a paedo-Benny Hill from airport to airport around the Asian region he was kicked out of, being turned away from one country then the next as everywhere locks arms with the sole purpose of keeping him out.

Now we’re all for human rights, we can be surprisingly liberal and we believe in equality for all – but we can’t help but find all this delightfully funny. No one likes you Glitter, and no one wants you.

After being released from prison on Tuesday, Glitter was placed on a flight that would connect him back to Britain. On reaching hecklerspray‘s homeland he would be met by police who would – after presumably stopping him from getting lynched by an angry mob, like we’re so good at forming in this country – make the glam-rock-pederast sign the sex offender’s register. His location and movements would then be monitored in a very thought policey way, though he’s a convicted child molester so we can make an exception for that particular Orwellian nightmare.

That was the plan, at least.

Instead, Glitter made sure he missed the connecting flight from Bangkok to Blighty by feigning first a heart attack, then a sudden bout of tinnitus. After waiting in the transit lounge for 24 hours, he accepted the offer of a flight to Hong Kong – probably expecting no one to have heard of him, what with that particular region having no connection whatsoever with Great Britain.

So it must have come as a real shock when he was refused entry to Hong Kong and instead forced to board a flight back to Bangkok, lest he be arrested for illegally being in the country.

If it were anyone else you really might feel a twinge of sympathy for them… oh well.

According to The Sun – a newspaper that once printed a countdown to when an underage popstar would be legal, yet at the same time prides itself on being something of a moral crusader – Gary Glitter said this while on one flight:

“God, am I happy to be leaving Vietnam and that jail. I should never have been in there.”

Though unconfirmed, one report (that we just made up in our head) suggests a response to this was:

“Shut up you fat old paedo, shave that beard off that makes you look MORE like a paedo and stop doing dodgy things with kids. You paedo.”

Unfortunately it would seem that Glitter will have to return to his home nation at some point, and stupid international law dictates that we have to let him in. As Colonel Voravat Amornvivat stated:

“We have to expel him to Britain, his homeland and the only country which must allow him to enter as he’s a national.”

Oh well, at least we know that if he survives the inevitable lynching, the press won’t ever leave him alone. Plus his new album will probably be shit.