You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?

Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?

What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.

Of course, one thing we do know about Shia is that he’s an outrageous idiot. Even Han Solo called him an idiot after he started blabbing about Indiana Jones 5.

Well, this idiot got into a fight last week (we didn’t write about it because we’re hopeless idiots ourselves) and a nice man tried to calm him down.

Shia responded to this kind act by (ALLEGEDLY) threatening to pull a knife on him. That’s right. An eye-witness said that LaBeouf had been drunkenly laying into everyone within a mile-radius (possible exaggeration) before he was told to calm down.

The witness said that Shia replied with:

“Oh yea? Or what? What are you going to do about it?”

That’s when the actor got his behind handed to him, WWE style.

Then, the witness said he tried to stop Shia from getting back inside, but LaBeouf got aggressive, spouting:

“Well what if I grabbed my knife on you?”

Moments later, Shia re-appeared to make a throat-slashing gesture at him before heading off toward a hangover and some snide articles written about him.

Lovely stuff.

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With remakes, reduxes and various tinkerings of our childhood favourites plaguing cinema at the moment, there’s been little joy looking back at the films we once loved. However, here’s a little something that should slap a smile across that stupid head of yours.

Unseen for many, many years, footage has leaked from Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom set, where Harrison Ford is on the receiving end of a practical joke.

This ain’t any ol’ joke though. This is a prank that features Carrie Fisher, Irvin Kershner and… get this… Barbra Streisand as a dominatrix.

Director Steven Spielberg invited Fisher and Streisand onto the set to torment Harrison during a whipping scene, which sees Indy strapped to a rock.

The footage is a little grainy sadly (but still gold), and we see Ford with his back turned, no idea who is whipping his ass. As Babs thrashes away, she shouts:

“This is for Guns of Navarone! For Force Ten! This is for Hanover Street! This is for all the money you’re going to make on Return of the Jedi!”

Then, Fisher appears and plants a huge kiss on Harrison Ford’s bemused face, seeing him asking who the devil it was, to which Carrie replies:

“Someone who needs you!”

Ultimately, Harrison Ford yells:

“Really hit me! Really hit me this time!”

Watch the video here.

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You’ve got to pick sides these days. There’s no grey in life anymore, no nuance. It’s black and white. Guilty? Then throw away the key!

A victim? Then everything you say is sacred and righteous. Think the most recent album by x band is okay, but not as good as their last one? No you don’t- you’re a HATER!

Israel vs Palestine. Dawkins vs God. Left vs Right. 0 vs 1. But even in these binary times we’re stumped on where we stand on Harrison Ford vs Shia LaBoeuf .

Last May, Shia “charisma repellent” LaBoeuf gave the fourth Indiana Jones film (Indiana Jones and the CGI Fuck-Up) a slagging-

“I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished. I have a relationship with Steven Spielberg that supercedes our business work. And believe me, I talk to him often enough to know that I’m not out of line. And I would never disrespect the man. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball.”

In a recent interview though, he was called out by Harrison Ford, starting a beef with LaBeouf. His surprisingly un-boring rant was…

“I think he was a fucking idiot. As an actor, I think it’s my obligation to support the film without making a complete ass of myself. Shia is ambitious, attentive, and talented – and he’s learning how to deal with a situation which is very unique and difficult.”

Now our automatic reaction is to side with Ford. Han Solo versus the kid from Transformers is a no-brainer, surely? The problem we have is that Shia’s words ring rather true. Lest we forget he’s talking about a film that has successfully given the world the phrase “nuking the fridge” as an alternative to “jumping the shark“.

On the other hand, Ford’s words sound like wise advice for LaBoeuf from the man who was in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back and Blade Runner. However he also refers to LaBoeuf as being talented so what the hell does the narky old git know?

See, it’s difficult isn’t it?

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The Indiana Jones franchise should’ve stopped when it got to film 3. Sean Connery didn’t exactly light the screen up in a decidedly average film, but still, it was a decent enough romp which signalled that the team behind the films were clean out of ideas.

But did that stop them? Of course it didn’t. George Lucas is involved and he can’t stop picking at his own scabs, god forbid he actually tries to make a brand-new film that has no legacy to fall back on.

And Shia LaBeouf has cleared his little throat to confirm that a fifth Indiana Jones movie could be in cinemas soon, to which we must all now start making our excuses not to go see it.

Shia spoke of the Indy5 project while out promoting the third Transformers film, another film that is trading solely on some imagined nostalgia for the ’80s which, if you were there, will testify how awful it was. We can’t let that get in the way of some coins for a movie studio though… although, why they haven’t tried to make a feature length swashbuckler of The Mysterious Cities Of Gold is quite beyond us.

LaBeouf says:

“I talked to Harrison. He said he’s staying in the gym. He said he’s heard no word, but he does know that George [Lucas] is out there looking for a MacGuffin [plot device].”

“He said he’s staying in the gym, so it means, you know, it’s not so far off.”

That, or he’s been eating too many Twinkies and he’s being slagged for his muffin top hanging over his Levi’s.

Of course, the last Indiana Jones movie, The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, was a stinker, only adored by the most deluded fans of Indiana Jones, George Lucas and Harrison Ford (of which there are many, granted).

Even LaBeouf admits that Crystal Skull had “dropped the ball”, presumably hoping that a new flick will pick it back up again, lest it transpires that the ball is actually a giant stone marble, willing to crush the puny humans that get in its way.

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Hey nerd baskets! Get this! You’re gonna love this! You know Blade Runner? That sic-fi film you weally weally weally love? Some people are going to tinker with it. Feel free to say “is nothing sacred anymore?”

Ridley Scott’s bleak look at some typically horrible future (why are no films set in the future kinda cool?*) is about to have a whole new set of digits, prodding and poking it and fizzing with excitement about filming in 3D and ‘better’ CGI, when really, the original’s clunky effects only added to the menace of it all.

Aaaanyway, more than thirty years on, the film is about to become a franchise seeing spin-offs on television and new movies.

Some company (they’re called Alcon if you remotely care) is bagging the rights for Blade Runner to make a whole buncha new things which will probably end up looking like those awful Stargate shows that we all endured when there was nothing else on the box.

Bud Yorkin, who produced the original, is set to produce a new untitled Blade Runner project.

The people from Some Company, say:

“We are honored and excited to be in business with Bud Yorkin. This is a major acquisition for our company, and a personal favorite film for both of us. We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multi-platform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium only.”

So expect video games and lunchboxes then.

Blade Runner, of course, starred Harrison Ford as Rick Dekard. Dekard was a retired cop who was tasked with hunting down some clones who escaped from a colony and decided that Los Angeles sounded like a nice place to hang out.

So who will take the role of Dekard in a prequel? It has to be someone with reasonable acting chops and butch enough to tackle the thrills and spills of the story.

In that case, our money’s on either Tom Hardy or Dustin Diamond.

*Granted, a film set in the future where everything and everyone was happy would be immensely dull, but y’know?

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Harrison Ford – who famously played Chewbacca in the Star Trek films – really hates Indiana Jones or something. So much so that he wants him dead. Dead than Hugh Hefner’s loins.

He wants to kill Indy so Shia LaBeouf (one of the stupidest names ever) can continue the franchise as Indy’s son, Mutt.

Imagine that. A film called Mutt Jones. How dreadful. Would anyone be able to ask for a pair of tickets to go see Mutt Jones and the Crusade of the Fantastical Bone Arse? No. No they wouldn’t. You’d mutter it like you were asking for condoms or jazz mags.

Apparently, some twerp reckons:

“Harrison thinks it would be good for Indy to die and pass on his hat to his son in the next one. George [Lucas] especially is resisting the notion but Steven [Spielberg] is considering it.”

“Funnily enough Harrison wanted the same for Han Solo in the final Star Wars but George put an end to it. This time he doesn’t have all the say though.”

Now, LaBeouf was pretty critical of 2008′s Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull but, being an actor who is constantly in fear of getting no more work, he might be up for towing the line should Spielberg, Lucas and Ford decide on an idea for the plot of Indiana Jones 5.

LaBeouf has reportedly been given a script treatment and he thinks that the whole thing…

“sounds crazy, but sounds really cool.”

Indiana Jones 5 won’t be hitting the screens anytime soon as Spielberg is busy making a Tin Tin movie, as well as working on movies about Abraham Lincoln and giant robots (hopefully in the same film).

George meanwhile is staring at a room filled with Jar Jar Binks merchandise and wondering why everyone hated a homosexual Rastafarian so much and gently rocking back and forth, talking to himself in a Jawa voice.

Sad really.

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Right chaps, this film is was made for you. Yes all of manly-kind. Cowboys & Aliens is more manly than having a stick specifically for stirring paint. A cock-shaped stick. With tits on.

Forget the stupid name, we know it’s crap, like they’ve mashed two genres together and hoped that someone else would have a good idea. But look, it’s got James Bond and Indiana Jones in it! Would you like to tell them you don’t like their films?

They’re really tough and they’ll beat you up with whips and special devices to cause you absolute agonising man pain. Thought not.

Every man needs to see this film. It’s got Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford in it, which can only be a festival of moody looking off into the middle distance followed by outrageous stunts and intense violence. It’s directed by John Favreau [I read that as 'John Fashanu' which would be a very different film - Ed.], the guy that did Iron Man. Yeah. Tony Stark made you feel inadequate too didn’t he?

You need to man up. Watch this film and maybe you’ll learn something.

The trailer doesn’t give much away, but we are expecting a mysterious start in a dusty Western setting which would make Ol’ Clint feel at home. Then someone starts pouring testosterone on the script and Craig gets all punchy, then arrested, then all moody and tries to outscowl Indy.

And then stuff starts blowing up.

Because spaceships arrive.

Yes, we know how that sounds. Rubbish. But have a look at the trailer, it’s awesome. They don’t go overboard with the aliens, the fight scenes are all the more brutal for their realism and Craig’s bracelet/WMD becomes all the more awesome with it’s increasing weirdness.

Ford and Craig’s blossoming friendship is not an on-screen reacharound like most ‘buddy movies’, there’s some woman involved but she’s neither token tart or drippy damsel. She’s a manly woman. Or something.

Summer 2011 can’t come around quickly enough. This could be the perfect cocktail of movie genres, intense action, old school tough guy acting and flatout coolness. It’s got the classic “man with no friends/name/past/morals” western storyline and adds in the “blowing stuff up is really cool” element of sci-fi and action.

This film is going to become a right of passage for future males. Along with the first shave, passing the driving test and losing the V plates, Cowboys and Aliens will become one of those moments that make us dewy eyed as old men.

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Extraordinary Measures is one of those movies you don’t see very often. That’s because they’re usually on telly at around 2pm on a weekday, while us normals are resenting the turd-headed followers who watch such weekday dross.

It’s all pretty underwhelming stuff, all smiles from the physically crippled and cemented frowns from the theatrically crippled; it’s almost soap opera material. That’s probably because this is CBS’s first foray into the features. It marks a sly move on their part: poor cinemagoers were denied the opportunity to change the channel.

But don’t worry, it’s all based on a harrowing true story about a man’s struggle to cure his children’s terminal disease. You’ll feel so emotionally blackmailed that you’ll convince yourself it was good.

Harrison Ford surrenders himself to mediocrity, coming across wearier than any interview he’s ever given. You almost forget that he had charisma once, and a chin that doesn’t resemble Foghorn Leghorn‘s. As Doctor Stonehill, he plays a scientist who thinks he’s cracked the cure for the improbably named Pompe Disease.

Competing with Ford on the puffing challenge is Brendan Fraser. You almost forget that he used to be an attractive rogue once, and didn’t have a face that looked like it is in a state of perpetual allergy reaction. Fraser and Ford stand around and puff their cheeks, exhausting air from their gums as if they run the risk of over inflating. Fraser at least comes out the better of the two, earnest, noble but he’s been driving in this gear for too long now, hardly making for an enthralling screen presence.

The children suffer greatly. Not from Eviscerated Roman City disease but from Annoying Children in Movies syndrome. They’re a little too happy, a little too quirky; a little too much of syrupy cinematic magic. Perhaps that’s why Ford looks so unhappy all the time. Perhaps that’s why the pharmaceutical giants are look so sadistically happy to squish the hopes of saving these poor little blighter’s lives.

If anything, the film at least reveals an interesting and overlooked side to the development of drugs, even if it does paint the corporate fat cats as ‘tache twirling scoundrels. Sure, it’s a tricky world that we’ve barely seen, but the corporation here seems to just want the whole thing to fail, which hardly makes for logic.

But this is mainly left aside for rousing speeches. ‘I’m a scientist, I don’t care about money!’, and other ho-hum to draw thick lines around the good guys, while anyone who may oppose might as well drip Vaseline to emphasise their overtly slimy exterior.

The broad brushstrokes become tiresome, everything too scripted and no real grit or hardship felt. Worse of all, you never emphasise with the family’s plight, or whether the children live or die. The latter is really a fatal floor. Sure, children are annoying, but dying children is the simplest of heart-string pullers, and this can’t even function on that simple emotional level.

It’s pretty grim stuff. As horrible, cynical and narcissistic as we are here at hecklerspray, we’re usually pretty much against children dying. Except Justin Bieber. He could die and we still wouldn’t be satisfied.

‘Spray Rating: 1.5/5

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If you’re an asshole, chances are you’ll end up in the film industry. It’s full of them – actors, producers, PR people, agents, critics.

It would have taken years to compile a list of the biggest assholes in film. Possibly even decades. That’s just how ripe with assholes the movie world is. So we’ve decided to bottle out and go for fictional assholes who only appear in movies instead. Don’t judge us.

All 30 of the swines, after the jump…

30. Miss Piggy

From: The Muppet films (1979-present)

Voiced by Frank Oz

Nerotic, needy, shallow, possessive, manipulative, aggressive, violent, self-obsessed, vain.  We’ve all got an ex-girlfriend like this.
“Hello little people, what an absolutely splendid day.”

29. The Hunter

From: Bambi (1942)

Played by Jean-Claude Van Damme (OK, maybe not)

He killed Bambi’s mum.  In the pulling of an off-screen trigger, The Hunter destroys all childhood illusions of safety and security within maternal care.  It’s a cruel, cruel world kids.  Only a Belgian could be so cruel
“BOOM!”

28. Cruella De Vil

From: 101 Dalmations (1961)

Voiced by Betty Lou Gerson

She wants to kill puppies for God’s sake! 101 of them! How evil can you get?!
“I don’t care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!”

27. Warden Norton

From: The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Played by Bob Gunton

Norton begins the film as a strict God-fearing disciplinarian, running one of the toughest prisons in America.  Then falls rapidly from grace when he begins capitalising on the skills of Andy Dufrense.  He’s running his prison for personal profit, keeping Andy inside despite knowing he’s innocent and killing those who threaten his business.
“I believe in two things: Discipline and the Bible. Here you’ll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank.”

26. Biff Tannen

From: Back to the Future trilogy (1985-1990)

Played by Thomas F. Wilson

Biff manages to consistantly be a cock over the course of about 70 years.  He remains an idiot, a bully and a sex pest throughout.  Even his ancestor “Mad Dog” Tannen was a total brown eye.
“My insurance? It’s your car. Your insurance should pay for it. I wanna know who’s gonna pay for this. [Pulls at his shirt]  I spilled beer all over it when that car smashed into me. Who’s gonna pay my cleaning bill?”

25. White Witch

From: The Chronicles of Narnia (2005-2008)

Played by Tilda Swinton

Completely evil, she seized power in Narnia and plunged it into a terrified, freezing winter. Anything less than total obedience is punished by magical transformation into a tacky garden ornament.  She is Lewis’s representation of Satan, but she scared off Father Christmas, that’s enough to get her on the list!
“I have no interest in prisoners. Kill them all.”

24. Stu Shepard

From: Phonebooth (2002)

Played by Colin Farrell

Stu finally accepts that he’s a manipulative little tosspot, breaks down and spills out this rambling apology.  All it took was a sniper rifle and a few dead innocent bystanders.
“I have never done anything for anybody who couldn’t do something for me.”

23. Sheriff of Nottingham

From: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Played by Alan Rickman

Good old Alan, you can rely on him to provide a loathable bad guy. The Sean Connery has gone off to the Holy Land for some pillaging and this little turd comes to the fore. As well as being a merciless, cruel, money-grabbing sexual deviant, he’s a devil worshipper. Could there be a better bad guy for Robin and his band of ethnically diverse communists?
“What a beautiful child. So young, so alive, so unaware of how precarious life can be. I had a very sad childhood, I’ll tell you about it sometime. I never knew my parents; it’s amazing I’m sane.”

22. Hans Gruber

From: Die Hard (1988)

Played by Alan Rickman

Egocentric, ruthless, German.  It’s easy to hate him. Hans takes an entire building hostage to rob its vault. He ruins the office Christmas party quicker than realising you weren’t the first person to bareback Tracy from accounting on the photocopier that night.
“And When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer”

21. Saddam Hussein

From: South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut (1999)

Voiced by Matt Stone

He’s so evil that even Satan thinks he’s a bit of a dick. In his own words, he’s “a sandy little butthole” and he really is, he’s tricked Satan, who really is a nice guy, into bringing about a kind of Canada-induced apocalypse that will unleash the fires of Hell on to the earth. And he doesn’t even cuddle after sex.
“Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?”

20. Begbie

From: Trainspotting (1996)

Played by Robert Carlyle

He’s an asshole, not a madman. While he’s got an explosive temper with the sortest of fuses, Begbie has a sense of right and wrong. He knows that glassing a girl to start a fight with her boyfriend is wrong, but it’s fun. He just doesn’t care about other people, be they friends or otherwise. Actually he’s the only one in the film that ISN’T suffering a crippling heroin addiction, he’s probably the only one who really is in control of his actions.
“That lassie got glassed, and no c*nt leaves here till we find out what c*nt did it”

19. Colin Sullivan

From: The Departed (2006)

Played by Matt Damon

Now here’s a slimy wanker. Idolises the irish mob boss Frank Costello so much that he sets off to become his informant on the inside of the police department. He’s so good at being both cop and stoolie that he’s assigned to find the mole… that’s him! The film revolves around Sullivan building his career, spinning lies and getting good cops killed. Oh, and he can’t get it up.
“You got a nice suit at home, or do you like coming to work everyday dressed like you’re going to invade Poland?”

18. Prof Severus Snape

From: Harry Potter series (2001-2009)

Played by Alan Rickman

A greasy little worm, but dangerous enough to be wary of. He’ll gladly push around children and weasel his way around adults. He’s a racist too, having referred to those of a less than pure magical upbringing as ‘mudbloods’, even though he is one himself.
“Veritaserum. Three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets. The use of it on a student is, regrettably, forbidden. However, should you steal from my personal stores again, my hand might just slip over your morning pumpkin juice.”

17. Tony Montana

From: Scarface (1983)

Played by Al Pacino

Kills everyone who stands in his way. He really isn’t impressed by anything other than more money for him.  He starts the film as an ambitious refugee and the end he’s losing his mind to powder-fuelled paranoia. It was being an asshole that got him to where is today… shot to tiny bits by angry Colombians.
“You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”

16. John ‘Axe’ Adcox

From: Backdraft (1991)

Played by Scott Glenn

This film really is the pinnacle of hero worship cheese movies. If Top Gun was the foreplay, this is the awkward cuddle in the wet patch afterwards. An arsonist is setting some really specific fires to kill men connected to the closure of fire houses. Doesn’t take a genius (thankfully, because all we had was the cheapest of the Baldwin brothers) to realise it’s probably a firefighter.

Adcox is a fireman who spent far too long to be believable surveying the lethal power of fire. So when it looks like the city of Chicago will be less capable of dealing with fires, he starts setting more.  While you can sympathise with being a bit peeved with this, it seems a bit counter-productive, especially when the newbie dies. Cue Bruce Hornsby, roll montage, jog on.
“Your Dad died saving my life and these people were killing firemen for MONEY!”

15. Norman Spencer

From: What Lies Beneath (2000)

Played by Harrison Ford

This is an asshole you don’t see until late on, because it’s Harrison Ford. It’s Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he’s a bit of a sleaze, but a good guy. Not a cheating, lying murderer who was such a cock that spirits come back to get their revenge. But Norman Spencer is a devious git. When his wife discovers his affair, she has a car ’accident’, in which she suffers a brain injury. The girlfriend has disappeared, along with any real memory of the whole incident. Norman has his cake, eats it, licks up the crumbs and hides the empty plate.

Then his girlfriend contacts his wife in the time-honoured horror fashion: Using steam, mirrors, an old computer and a mild dose of demonic possession. Indy… sorry, Spencer finally twigs what’s going on and decides another murder will solve the problem.
“Yes. I had an affair with her. And when I tried to break it off… she became unstable. She came out here to the house. She threatened to kill herself… or you. I didn’t think she’d go through with any of it. But then she… She disappeared.”

14. Howard Payne

From: Speed (1994)

Played by Dennis Hopper

OK, so he doesn’t spend much time on screen at all, and his plan does involve killing Keanu Reeves, so what makes him an asshole? He was a cop that defused bombs and saved lives. Then he has an accident and looses a digit. Rather than taking this as a warning about how dangerous explosives are and thus, how important his job is, he goes on a very long-winded bombing spree. Rather than just threatening to blow up a bus, he rigs so it must remain at speed unheard of for public transport. How selfish do you have to be? You lose a pinky and decide it is worth killing dozens of people to get a ridiculous amount of ransom/compensation.
“See, I’m in charge here! I drop this stick, and they pick your friend here up with a sponge! Are you ready to die, friend?”

13. Dennis Nedry

From: Jurassic Park, (1993)

Played by Wayne Knight

Here’s another asshole who kills Samuel L Jackson. Well, technically a dinosaur does the killing, but you can’t blame it. He was just hungry and Samuel L Jackson tastes like chicken. Nedry is a disgusting fat pie of a man with massive debts. He gets a job as a computer programmer at dinosaur Disneyland, which can’t pay badly.

Unfortunately, Nedry’s lard addiction outstrips his earnings and he decides to sell dino babies. So far, nothing too bad, I can forgive bit of thievery. But here’s the kicker. He switches off the power to everything to make his getaway. Including the electric fences, the only things keeping the island’s humans from becoming a smorgasboard for Dino. And it’s not as if he didn’t know what he was doing: HE DESIGNED THE SYSTEM! Yeah, if I was a dilophosaurus, I’d spit in his face too.
“Oh, ah… I finished debugging the programmes, but there were some errors. So for the next 10-15 minutes some power might shut down, but it’s only temporary, nothing to worry about.”

12. Brick Top

From: Snatch (2000)

Played by Alan Ford

Unlikeable if hilarious, this horrible hole only shows any kind of affection for his pet piggies, whom he feeds people to.
“Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible c*nt… me.”

11. Dr. Rene Belloq

From: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Played by Paul Freeman

A greedy little git to say the least. He’ll do just about anything to get his hands on whatever booty takes his fancy. He’s happy to let our heroic Indy do the life-threatening work for the gold idol, then even has a tribe of Hovitos indians on hand to chase him off. But then again, this is the Jewish guy working for the Nazis, so he can be the first guy to discover history’s greatest weapon and GIVE IT TO HITLER!
“You and I are very much alike. Archeology is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.”

10. Idi Amin

From: Last King of Scotland (2006)

Played by Forest Whitaker

Nothing says asshole like a spot of genocide. So Idi really earns his place on this list. The cannabalism just adds to the chap’s charm
“Look at you. Is there one thing you have done that is good? Did you think this was all a game? ‘I will go to Africa and I will play the white man with the natives’. Is that what you thought? We are not a game, Nicholas. We are real. This room here, it is real. I think your death will be the first real thing that has happened to you.”

9. Gny. Sgt. Hartman

From: Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Played by R. Lee Ermy

It’s a bit worrying that Ermy was only supposed to be a technical advisor on the film, but after proving far more intimidating than anything Kubrick could invent he was cast in the film. Hartman manages to blend a volatile cocktail of wit and pure hate. He doesn’t care about skin colour, you are all maggots. He shows no mercy to those who are slow to keep up and punishes the group for the sins of individuals.

He strips recruits of their identities and push them until they crack. Ultimately, one of them shooting him for it.
“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy, fucking, walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!”

8. Sgt. Barnes

From: Platoon (1986)

Played by Tom Berenger

In a film packed full of assholes, Barnes is by far the biggest. He puts little value on human life and none at all on “gook” lives. He’s got this good and evil thing going on with Willem Dafoe‘s pot smoking Sgt. Elias. The duelling of wills and morality between the two reaches a high point when Barnes whips his men up into a murderous frenzy in a Vietnamese village, willing to kill children and old men for imformation.

Most of this sequence is based on the factual massacre at My Lai, firmly anchoring Barnes in the realms of realism  The more outrageous he gets, the more real it seems, the more of an asshole he becomes.
“Y’all loved Elias. And you want to kick ass. Yeah. Well, here I am, all by my lonesome. And there ain’t anybody gonna know. Six of you boys against me. Kill me”

7. Maj. Vic ‘Deake’ Deakins

From: Broken Arrow (1996)

Played by John Travolta

John Travolta’s got that smug look that shows he believes he can make panties dissolve with a smile and a wiggle of his hips. It just makes the rest of the world want to slap him. Which doesn’t help Deake’s appeal. He swaggers about, tries to kill his co-pilot, tries to steal two nuclear warheads, tries to hold the government to ransom. He tries to do a lot and buggers most of it up.  Christian Slater survives to be a pain in the ass and ultimately watch as Deake recieves a warhead in the balls.

“I just realised something. I never actually killed anyone before. I mean, I dropped bombs on Baghdad, but, uh… never face to face. I don’t know what the big deal is. I really don’t.”

6. Bill

From: Kill Bill I & II (2003-2004)

Played by David Carradine

A prize prick this one. Lass falls in love with him, he trains her to be a killer, he gets her up the duff, she realises Mothercare don’t make kevlar, she quits and goes to get married. Asshole gatecrashes wedding rehersal, acts all sweet and charming, then has everyone killed… even Samuel L Jackson!  Not only does he shoot his lass IN THE HEAD! Then he somehow raises their lovechild, keeping the whole thing a secret, while lass goes on the rampage thinking child was never born!

THEN, doesn’t even hold back in trying to kill lass once mother and daughter have just started to bond. If this guy went on Jeremy Kyle, there’d be some serious “this is my show, you disgust me, shut up, this is me, you’re on my show, you disgust me, shut up you’re on my show” moments.
“I didn’t say I was going to explain myself. I said I was going to tell you the truth. But if that’s too cryptic, let’s get literal. I’m a killer. A murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. You experienced some of them”

5. Nurse Ratched

From: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Played by Louise Fletcher

One of the few women to make it on to our list of sphincters. And a massive one she is. She rules her psychiatric ward with a total lack of humour or compassion, and total control. When some of the patients begin to show signs of improvement and discuss their recovery, she destroys them with notching more than a few choice words and a raised eyebrow. She’ll really ruin any of those kinky nurse fantasies you had.
“If Mr. McMurphy doesn’t want to take his medication orally, I’m sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don’t think that he would like it.”

4. Amon Goethe

From: Schindler’s List (1993)

Played by Ralph Fiennes

Goethe does well in asshole top trumps. He runs Plazow concentration camp with a particular callousness.  Outwardly showing no regard for the suffering around him, he only flirts with mercy after Schindler convinces him it could make him appear stronger. This fails miserably and Goethe resumes his habit of sniping the camp prisoners from his mansion balcony. He does, however, battle his conscience when confronting his house maid, Helen, who he can’t decide whether to love or shoot.
“I would like so much to reach out to you and touch you in your loneliness. What would it be like, I wonder? What would be wrong with that? I realise that you are not a person in the strictest sense of the word, but, um, maybe you’re right about that too. Maybe what’s wrong, it’s not us, it’s this… I mean, when they compare you to vermin, to rodents and to lice. I just, uh, you make a good point. You make a very good point. Is this the face of a rat? Are these the eyes of a rat? “Hath not a Jew eyes?” I feel for you Helen.”

3. Carter Burke

From: Aliens (1986)

Played by Paul Reiser

A career company man through and through, Burke sends a family of salvagers into the wreck that contained the alien from the first film. When the entire human population of that planet go quiet Burke decides sending a squad of marine in to have a look is a good idea. Seem stupid to you? Get this, HE GOES ALONG TOO!

So, he’s a bit slow? No, he’s a bit of a dick, so focussed on promotion and paypackets that he’ll gladly put himself and others in the line of sharp claws and acid blood. He tries to infect Ripley and Newt with the alien so he can smuggle it back and help the company turn it into a bio-weapon. When the aliens come looking for a snack he legs it out the back door, locking everyone in with the hungry little blighters. And he wears a body warmer. Asshole.
“Those specimens, are worth millions to the bio-weapons corperation. If you’re smart, we can both come out of it as heroes and we’ll be set up for life.”

2. Ozymandias

From: Watchmen (2009)

Played by Matthew Goode

He’s the world’s smartest man, he’s quicker than a bullet and he’s got no people skills. His genius is only surpassed by his ego. Ozzie cons a man so powerful that can alter time, space and matter as well as be huge, blue and naked. He also sinks as low as giving innocent people cancer to fool the poor giant smurf. Ozymandias is unlikable because he’s got just about everything tied up. His dastardly plan is so coolly considered through his super grasp of logic that it starts to seem reasonable. He’s going to avert nuclear disaster… by blowing up the world’s biggest cities.
“The only person with whom I felt any kinship with died three hundred years before the birth of Christ. Alexander of Macedonia, or Alexander the Great, as you know him.”

1. Forrest Taft

From: On Deadly Ground (1994)

Played by Steven Seagal

An appalling film from beginning to end. There’s something about Seagal movies that can make great actors like Michael Caine, R. Lee Ermy, Tommy Lee Jones, John C. McGinley, Billy Bob Thornton, Colm Meany, Pam Grier, Sharon Stone, Kurt Russell, Halle Berry, John Leguizamo, Brian Cox, Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper and countless others look totally ridiculous.

Perhaps it has something to do with Steven being involved in the writing, directing and/or producing of most of his films that condemns potentially great films to the bargain bucket in the supermarket. I’m not saying this because I once met Seagal and he was a grumpy old git who really is as wooden and emotionless in real life as on film.

It’s mostly because of On Deadly Ground. Lots of explosions and shooting and a pretty good idea for a plot are diluted with Seagal spouting total arse gravy about kung-fu Inuit zen spiritualism. But back to the point, Forrest Taft is an asshole. His idea of getting all Greenpeace on an irresponsible oil company is to blow up their rig.

Yeah, that’s a pretty big plot hole there Steve, I know you only directed this one, but please. Taft is supposed to be the man who PUTS OUT potentially catastrophic fires on oil rigs. So he gets revenge for fires caused by faulty equipment but starting fires using a pony tail and firearms. I hold Steven Segal personally responsible for the nonsense going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Wanker.
“I wouldn’t dirty my bullets”

Honourable mentions:

Withnail
The Fratelli Family (The Goonies)
Eddie Temple (Layer Cake)
Angel Eyes (The Good, The Bad and the Ugly)
Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)
Senator Palpatine (Star Wars I,II,III)
Norman Sansfield (Leon)
Mr Blonde (Reservoir Dogs)
Hatchet Harry (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels)
Anton Chigurgh (No Country For Old Men)
Michael Corleone (Godfather Trilogy)

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For a long time now, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have hands-down been our favourite celebrity couple.

We love everything about them. We love the way that Harrison Ford is clearly old enough to be Calista Flockhart’s dad. We love the way that Harrison Ford has taken to wearing an earring to compensate for that. We love that Calista Flockhart’s Ally McBeal was written by Michelle Pfeiffer‘s husband, and the character was loosely based on Michelle Pfeiffer and Harrison Ford played Michelle Pfeiffer’s husband in a film once and that sort of makes it all a bit creepy.

So we’re thrilled that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have finally decided to get married. Well, maybe not thrilled. We’re happy. No, maybe not that either. We’re aware that Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have finally decided to get married. There, that’ll do.

You might not know this, but Calista Flockhart is now Harrison Ford’s third wife. And may we be the first to suggest that Harrison Ford leaves it at three. Three’s a lovely number. A perfect trilogy. You can tie it all up in three marriages. Move onto the fourth, and that’s where the trouble starts. It doesn’t matter how many people urge you to get married again, or what the financial incentives are. You should definitely not even consider going back for a fourth marriage, Harrison Ford.

Chances are that Shia LaBeouf will probably end up being your son, and there’ll be all sorts of giant ants and weird mind-reading aliens running around and Cate Blanchett won’t be as sexy as you thought and you’ll constantly be fighting the urge to shield yourself from nuclear blasts by hiding in fridges.

It’s a terrible idea, Harrison. Stick with three.

Anyway, Harrison Ford got married to Calista Flockhart yesterday. That was our original point, wasn’t it? ABC News reports:

Actors Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have finally said “I do,” marrying in a ceremony at the governor’s mansion in the U.S. state of New Mexico, according to media reports on Wednesday. The couple’s representative confirmed that Ford, 67, tied the knot with 45-year-old Flockhart in Santa Fe on Tuesday. The ceremony was conducted by Governor Bill Richardson.

As lovely as this news is, it does leave a bit of a vacuum. Now that Harrison Ford is no longer the world’s sexiest 67-year-old bachelor, who’s going to take his place? That crazy old man from down the road who spends his afternoons chasing the children around with a garden rake in just a tatty old vest, now’s your time to step up.

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10 – It’s Cinco De Mayo! So here’s a music video by Sisqo… - YouTube

9 – …And here’s a video about Tenacious D… - YouTube

8 - …And here’s a video of some people eating entire spoonfuls of mayonnaise with a spoon. See? Happy Sisqo D Mayo! – YouTube

7 – A safe for work trailer of a porn parody of the 1960s Batman series. Very interesting, um, production values - Geekologie

6 - Miley Cyrus in a very weird outfit – AmyGrindhouse

5 – Harrison Ford saying “My family! My wife!” a lot. Funnier than it sounds – BestWeekEver

4 - A German man has married a dying cat. Seriously, those dying cats have such little self-esteem - Asylum

3 - A collection of famous women dressed as divvies - Popsugar

2 - Watch this and remember that nobody died – TPS

1 – Readers, a question. In seconds, how long would it have taken you to punch this man in the face…

Mid-January is always depressing – back at work, broke from Christmas, fat from Christmas, surrounded by grey skies.

What could cheer us up? Oh, we know! What about Forbes magazine printing a great big list of all the celebrity couples who make more money in a day than any of us will ever see across the duration of our entire lives? Great! But only if it comes with splashy headlines about how Jay-Z and Beyonce earnt $122 million last year, though! We won’t be happy unless our noses really get rubbed in it!

What? That list exists? Jay-Z and Beyonce really did earn $122 million in a year? Why, Forbes magazine, you’re even better than Father Christmas! Please don’t start ignoring us like he did, though.

Look at Jay-Z and Beyonce. Sure, they’re two of the most famous people on the planet. Sure, they could record themselves farting into an eggcup and end up getting swamped by platinum records. Sure Beyonce is still being taken seriously as an actress despite only making hokey Fatal Attraction rip-offs with Stringer Bell and the annoying one from Heroes. Sure they’re incredibly wealthy. But ask yourself this – does all the money make Jay-Z and Beyonce happy?

Probably, yes, because they’re so rich. And even if they’re not happy, they can always go out and buy puppies and cakes and loads of Scalextic, and that’ll make them happy. Happy happy happy, that’s Jay-Z and Beyonce.

In fact, why don’t you just take a minute from completing that spreadsheet in your grey, strip-lit office next to the noisy eater and the woman who won’t stop telling you about her children, and just think about exactly how happy Jay-Z and Beyonce must be with all their money at this precise moment in time? Done it? Wow, aren’t they just so much happier than you?

Anyway, this is all just a roundabout way of telling you that Forbes magazine has just named Jay-Z and Beyonce the highest-earning couple in Hollywood. Look:

The couple… oversee clothing lines, perform around the world and endorse products from companies like American Express and Budweiser. All that hard work has paid off. Between June 2008 and June 2009 the couple earned a combined $122 million putting them squarely at the top of our annual Top-Earning Couples list.

Now it’d be incredibly annoying for us to destroy your spirit even further by breaking down Jay-Z and Beyonce’s $122 million salary to tell you that it means they earn $10,116,666 a month or $2,346,153 a week, or $334,246 a day or $13,926 an hour or $232 a minute or $3.80 a second. So we won’t do that.

Instead, let’s look at who Forbes magazine picked as its second-highest earning couple of the year – Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart. Now, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart don’t share as much of an even split as Jay-Z and Beyonce, with most of their $69 million total coming from Harrison’s role in the last Indiana Jones movie. But don’t be fooled into thinking that it’s all Ford’s money – we heard that Calista sold a roll of unused wallpaper on eBay last November and that has to count for some of it, right?

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George Lucas has come up yet with another plan to convince you to hand over your hard earned money to him.

After he made millions with Indiana Jones 1, he sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 2. It worked. But what next? He sat down for a while, thought about what to do next and came up with Indiana Jones 3. Incredible.

How was he to beat that? It wasn’t easy. For twenty years he brooded, furrowing his brow and scratching his little beard, and finally his eureka moment came: Indiana Jones 4.

But, people asked, what about the fact that Indiana Jones will be far too old? Don’t worry, said George, if we make jokey references to it throughout the film no one will care. Wow, he’s good. What next? George says ‘how about Indiana Jones…5, with Shia Labeouf as the lead?’

Time to retire George.

Old man Lucas doesn’t scoff though. He told Fox News:

I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this, but I have an idea to make Shia the lead character next time and have Harrison come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out.

Before we jump to the conclusion that the corrupting culmination of his success, wealth and age is turning George prematurely senile, it is worth remembering that he is also responsible for the casting of Jar Jar Binks.

Rumours suggest Shia LaBeouf has stipulations in his contract which lock him into a sequel/spin-off if Paramount want to make one, and Shia (a distant cousin of French footballer Frank LeBeouf) told MTV he would be interested:

I don’t think a Mutt spinoff would be as big as Indiana Jones, but fingers crossed!

Mutt Williams and the Temple of Doom. Mutt Williams and the Last Crusade. Mutt Williams and Another Piss-Poor Offering from Lucas and Spielberg That Makes Us All Wish They’d Retire. He’s right – probably wouldn’t be as big as Indiana Jones.

But what about Harrison Ford – won’t he be dead by then? Not so, according to Lucas:

It’s not like Harrison is even old, I mean, he’s 65 and he did everything in this movie. The old chemistry is there, and it’s not like he’s an old man. He’s incredibly agile; he looks even better than he did 20 years ago, if you ask me.

Harrison himself has said he’d consider playing a part should the fifth installment happen, and even Steven Spielberg won’t rule it out. Ages ago he told the Chicago Sun Times:

Oh, I don’t know. Of course, I said the third Indy would be the last one. And obviously it’s not. So I can’t even comment whether the fourth will be the last one or not. I’m not looking to redesign the wheel. I just want to continue the saga.

Bless him. We bet for a moment there he thought back to the days when selling out on his principles seemed a cheap thing to do.

Read More – George Lucas: Indiana Jones 5 a possibility, The Celebrity Truth

Archaeologists have made a stunning discovery.

After weeks of carefully sifting through piles of rubbish, they came across a fossil that they saw as another useless dinosaur, but wait! It’s not just a useless dinosaur; it’s a useless dinosaur with an earring! It must be Harrison Ford. The discovery was confirmed by the presence of a frail skeleton next to the fossil that was classified as ‘the old dinosaur’s girlfriend, Calista Flockhart’.

All of this excitement has prompted the American Archaeological Society to put Harrison Ford on the board of directors. So, we may be a bit fuzzy on the details, but the board of directors thing is for reals.

Seriously, though, apparently the real reason the American Archaeological Society is putting Harrison Ford on the board of directors is because of all the made up fantasy archaeological work Harry Ford has done as the character Indiana Jones.

And by archaeological we mean getting jiggy with buxom blonde undercover Nazi scientists, and by work we mean George Lucas giving him a script to memorise and an adventuresome-looking hat to wear. Oh, and there’s the whip too. One mustn’t forget the whip.

Anyway, the society is grateful to Harrison Ford for raising interest in the field of archeology. Ok! magazine reports:

“President Brian Rose praised Ford’s contribution on Thursday, saying his Indiana Jones character has played a major part in boosting interest in archaeological exploration”.

That’s right. Because of Harry/Indiana, history nerds have emerged by the dozens from library basements across the land with dreams of wild adventures and swooning ladies, only to find themselves developing hunchbacks from crouching over endless piles of dust in the sweltering desert heat, dusting off rocks with little brushes.

It’s an odd thing when someone receives an honour such as a board of directors position just for pretending to be someone who vaguely represents what they do, isn’t it.

Next up is Vin Diesel, who will be honored by the National Au Pair and Childcare Society for his portrayal of a nanny in The Pacifier, which has increased interest in high ranking military personnel who take on the role of babysitter by an astounding degree.

Read more:

Harrison Ford is a Real Life Indiana Jones - OK