It’s hard to feel sorry for rock stars. They are, after all, rock stars, which usually means they get a paid a lot of money to be pretentious, go out with supermodels and trash hotel rooms.

Or something like that. Very rock and roll.

So when we hear they have somehow come up a cropper, it’s hard to stifle a chuckle. None more so than when they are onstage performing their ‘art’.

And if it’s an injury they inflicted on themselves doing something stupid, then, well, that’s just perfect. Not that we enjoy laughing at the misfortunes of people who are more successful than us.

Actually, that’s a lie – we dedicated an entire website to doing that.

The point is, we are not cruel people. Actually, just forget it.

Look it’s just another list, enjoy.

24. Noel Gallagher

Where and when: Toronto 2008

Certainly, the funniest mishap to ever happen to an arrogant, self-important member of a Manchester band that are not nearly as good as they think they are.

Thankfully, the whole incident was captured on film, but those of you who were on a different planet when it happened, here’s a recap. Basically, Oasis ‘mastermind’ Noel Gallagher had to be taken to hospital after being shoved into his monitor by a ‘fan’.

He broke some ribs and brother Liam got all angry. Hilarious.

23. Patti Smith

When and where: London 2007

Proof – if it was ever needed – that it can even happen to the biggest stars – as the Godmother of Punk tripped over a stray speaker onstage and fell flat on her face.

For some reason, her only injuries were a slightly improved face and a badly-cut elbow.

22. Ian Brown

When and where: Sheffield 2008

The former Stones Roses ’singer’ was left with whiplash and 10 stitches after, in the words of Brown, ’some crackhead pulled me off stage’.

21. Jim James of My Morning Jacket

When and Where: Iowa 2008

The singer/ guitarist was enjoying his guitar solo so much he fell of stage, badly slicing open his head and forcing the gig to be cancelled. If their music is anything to go by, he was probably falling asleep.

20. Tommy Lee of Motley Crue

When and where: Wyoming 2005

Video star Lee had to be rushed to hospital after being hit in the face with a firework from the pyrotechnics display that was accompanying his mid-air drum solo.

19. Arthur Brown of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown

When and Where: Windsor, England

Burning his face was an occupational hazard for rock’s self-proclaimed ‘God of Hellfire’, who would regularly turn up to gigs with a flaming crown.

However, on one occasion, Brown was very lucky to escape serious injury when the liquid methane which fuelled his crown ran down his face and body. Thankfully for him, some fans in the front row quickly doused him in beer.

18. Gene Simmons of Kiss

Where and when: New York, 1973

The Kiss bassist has always been a bit of a showman. But in New Year’s Eve it cost him his hair and almost his life. In the final throes of Firehouse, the bass player indulged in a bit of fire-breathing on stage.

However, the fireball quickly set his heavily-lacquered locks ablaze. Thankfully, a quick-thinking roadie saved him permanent damage by throwing a wet towel on his flaming hair.

It did not put him off doing it – and he has since had half-a-dozen similar incidents. The show-off must go on.

17. Jamie Reynolds of The Klaxons

Where and when: France, 2007

Stage-diving is never a good idea, especially when you are the singer of a band which has virtually no fans. Reynolds broke his leg, but bravely tried to carry on regardless, only to find he couldn’t walk.

16. Matt Bellamy of Muse

When and where: 2004

Michael Vaughan lookalike Matt Bellamy accidentally headbutted his guitar while Muse were performing one of their ’stadium rock anthems’. Funnily enough, I know how he feels.

15. Krist Novoselic of Nirvana

Where and when: Hollywood, 1992

During the 1993 VMA Awards, Nirvana bassist Krist was forced to crawl off stage with a bleeding head after he apparently had forgotten that he had just thrown his bass up in the air seconds before.

14. Shingai Shoniwa of the Noisettes

When and where: London’s Buffalo Bar in 2005.

The Young Knives‘ The House Of Lords poked Noisettes singer Shingai Shoniwa in the eye with a bass guitar string while attempting to kiss her goodbye.

13. Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy

Where and when: New Orleans, 2007

Pete Wenz got so excited jumping up and down he broke his foot. Just brilliant.

12. Gary Jarman of The Cribs

Where and when: England 2007

Not sure if this was actually done onstage, but Jarman once had to be hospitalised while on a UK tour because he got blood poisoning after cutting himself on one of his bass strings.

He discharged himself after an overnight stay in order to attend a gig in Norwich, against doctor’s orders.

11. Mike Skinner of The Streets

Where and when: Cambridge Corn Exchange, 2009

OK, so maybe Mike Skinner doesn’t exactly qualify as a rockstar, but, anyway, while indulging in a bit of crowd surfing, one eager fan grabbed hold of his belt and refused to let go.

In fact, the excited fan pulled so hard, he managed to reopen The Streets singer’s hernia scar. Skinner said: “Looks like a wee organ might pop out of its purpley red, bloody gash.” Nice.

10. Roger Waters from Pink Floyd

When: 1969

The grumpy one from Pink Floyd was hit in the forehead by a penny hurled at him by a disgruntled fan. They must have been playing Money.

9. Lou Reed

Where and when: Buffalo, 1973

We all know Lou Reed has long disappeared up his own arse, but did you know that one crazed fan actually bit him on the bum while he was performing?

8. Iggy Pop

Where and when: London, 2008

The wild rocker has had his fair share of injuries while performing to hostile crowds, but the most recent was of his own making when he hurt his leg badly falling off a speaker stack at the Get Loaded in the Park festival.

7. Till Lindemann of Rammstein

Where and when: All the time

Rammstein’s frontman Till Lindemann is a licensed pyrotechnician who spends entire songs engulfed head-to-toe in flames.

He has burned his ears, his hair and his arms, but as the band frequently incorporates fake accidents into their shows, it’s difficult to know how much of it is planned and which are mishaps.

It doesn’t seem to bother Till though. Bandmate Christoph Schneider explains: “Till gets burned all the time, but he likes the pain.”

6. Aldrin Montecinos of Megiddo

Where and when: Valdivia, Chile, 2004

Montecinos, the singer for Chilean black metal band Megiddo, suffered first degree burns after setting fire to his long beard while performing his fire-breathing routine mid-song.

5. Pete Townsend

Where and when: Tacoma, Washington, 1989

While performing his famous ‘windmill’ guitar-strumming technique, The Who guitarist got a bit carried away when he accidentally impaled his tremolo through his right hand.

Clearly the guitar wanted to get revenge for all the guitars Townsend had destroyed in the past.

4. David Bowie

Where and when: Oslo, Norway, 2004

Bowie is used to having flowers and praise thrown his way, but in 2004 he was almost blinded – by a stray lollipop.

As incredible as it sounds, he was literally millimetres from being having his left eyeball skewered by the sweet’s stick after it was thrown by an ‘adoring’ fan.

Thankfully, it wedged in between his eyeball and eyelid and was removed by one of his entourage. Ever the pro, Ziggy Stardust finished the show.

3. James Hetfield of Metallica

When and where: Montreal 1992

The Metallica frontman suffered second and third degree burns on his hand, arm, eyebrows, face and hair after accidentally stepping into a 12-foot tower of flame that had been rigged to shoot from the lip of the stage at Montreal’s Olympic Stadium in 1992.

Thankfully, his guitar protected him from having worse injuries, but he was unable to finish the tour.

2. Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P.

Where and when: Someplace during the 80s

W.A.S.P frontman Blackie almost blew his dick off when his flame-throwing codpiece exploded, lifting him several feet into the air.

Thankfully for Blackie, all he got was burnt legs. Apparently, while nursing his wounds offstage he said to bandmates: “If we wrote better songs we wouldn’t have to resort to stunts like this.”

1. Frank Zappa

Where and when: London, 1971

Frank Zappa was forced to stay in a wheelchair for months after being pushed off stage and into the concrete-floored orchestra pit.

The rest of The Mothers of Invention even thought he was dead. But he survived (obviously), but he had to take six months off touring after suffering serious fractures, head trauma and injuries to his back, leg, and neck, as well as a crushed larynx.

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Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that’s now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn’t a joke – this show really is going to exist quite soon.

OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show’s called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What’s That In The Toilet? Oh, It’s Gene Simmons’ Career.

As we all know, Gene Simmons is a business mastermind. He can slap the Kiss logo on anything he wants and he’ll make a buck out of it. He can spot world-changing music talents like Lil’ Chris a bloody mile off and he’s so sexy that women want to sleep with him even when he’s all gross and inert and on film and stuff.

And now that Kiss have properly broken up forever, Gene Simmons can go back to his first love – shamelessly narcissistic self-promotion. And what better way to do that than by judging a reality TV show based on the creative process of writing advertising jingles? Huh?

Oh wait. Every single way you could possibly ever think of in a million lifetimes is better than that. Never mind, Gene Simmons has already signed up for the bastard, so there’s not a lot he can do about it. Reuters reports:

CBS has tapped Simmons to judge the reality show “Jingles,” the latest TV series from Mark Burnett. The show, slated to premiere later this year, will feature contestants writing and performing jingles for a variety of subjects, ranging from food products to sports teams.

Read that again. Read it slowly. There’s going to be a reality TV show about jingle-writing, and Gene Simmons is going to judge it. A reality TV show about jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Genegles. We think we’ve just had a stroke.

We genuinely can’t imagine how terrible Jingles is going to be. There’ll be five minutes at the start where someone will say to the contestants “Write me a jingle about biscuits,” then 45 minutes of the contestants looking into the distance with a notepad on their knee, then five minutes of the contestants hitting the ‘Samba’ button on their Casio keyboard and singing “Biscuits biscuits yum yum yum/ I can stick them up my bum,” and another five minutes of Gene Simmons telling them it’s rubbish. End of show.

We’re starting to get the impression that Mark Burnett picks his reality TV show subjects by jabbing a pin into a copy of the Yellow Pages, you know. That theory will no doubt be proved next year when he premieres his new show about carpet and rug manufacturing. Judged by the bassist out of Def Leppard.

But you're not the only person to be annoyed by the Gene Simmons sex tape. Gene Simmons isn't especially thrilled with it either.

And like you, Gene Simmons is fighting back. But where you fought back by punching a hole in your computer, stapling your eyelids together and trying to destroy the part of your brain that remembers it by ramming a knitting needle up your nose, Gene Simmons has decided to fight back against the Gene Simmons sex tape by doing clever legal stuff. Which probably makes more sense.

The recently leaked Gene Simmons sex tape raises more questions than it answers. Like 'Why doesn't that girl want to kiss Gene Simmons?' and 'Why doesn't Gene Simmons take his top off?' and 'If he's got a tongue like that, why doesn't Gene Simmons get round to using it?' and 'Why?' and 'Why? Why, in God's name? Why? Why?'

Because, honestly, if you haven't seen the Gene Simmons sex tape, you're missing out on perhaps the funnest way to ensure that you'll spend the rest of your life compulsively self-medicating with drugs or alcohol to escape the pain. The Gene Simmons sex tape is basically an old man with crap hair lackadaisically having disinterested, partially-clothed sex with an Austrian bimbo who resolutely won't let him kiss her. To the sound of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.

We're explaining this to you, you see, because chances are it won't be on the internet for long. Gene Simmons has switched his 'old man having the worst sex anyone has ever seen' head with his 'diamond-sharp business mogul' head, and he's out to get whoever put the Gene Simmons sex tape on the internet. A hint of what was to come appeared on Gene's website a couple of days ago:

Hi everyone. You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options. And us?  Shannon, Nick and Soph are happy and healthy. All is well. And thank you all for the kind words of support.

And now Operation Get Everyone To Stop Looking At My Tired Old Knob has launched into full effect. As TMZ reports, the Gene Simmons sex tape isn't long for the world, and it's all thanks to our old friend copyright infringement:

We're told Gene's lawyers contacted Webmastercentral.com, which is responsible for the content on the website promoting the video — ordering them to cease and desist because of copyright infringement. How, you ask, is this copyright infringement? Gene's lawyers claim the site had no right to use face paint to promote the skin flick, because face paint is a KISS thing. And now we're being told, the tape is old and the copyright owner is … drum roll … Gene Simmons! Apparently, Gene got wind of the tape a few years back and bought the rights.

Now, the danger hasn't completely passed yet and the Gene Simmons sex tape is still on the various parts of internet. What we suggest you do is take your family into the shelter room immediately and wait there. There's a chance that some members of your family may have already been infected by the Gene Simmons sex tape, in which case you need to stove their head in with some pipe, label the body clearly and take it into another room. It's hard, but rather that than they try and actually describe the full horror of the Gene Simmons sex tape to you.

This is only a temporary measure, though – Gene Simmons seems to be doing everything in his power to eradicate all traces of the Gene Simmons sex tape from the internet forever, so everything will be back to normal soon.

The fact that Gene Simmons is doing this is heartening in itself, though – for a while there we weren't sure if he was able to do anything with any amount of enthusiasm any more.

Read more:

Gene Simmons to Sex Site: Suck My Copyright! – TMZ 

Having trouble visualising that? Don't be – because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.

Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.

Gene Simmons makes no secret of the fact that he's probably had sex with every female on the face of the planet at least once, including all female animals and your mother. And chances are you're probably wondering how a man with hair that dire manages it.

Well, now an alleged Gene Simmons sex tape has been released to the internet, and his secrets have finally been revealed to the world. And they mainly seem to involve moving really slowly, 1980s soft rock powerballads, keeping your T-shirt on, not taking the chewing gum out of your mouth, being repeatedly refused kisses and generally giving off the impression that you hate every single minute of it.

Anyway, we're rushing ahead of ourselves. Listen – there's a Gene Simmons sex tape on the internet. Gene Simmons from Kiss. A Gene Simmons sex tape. Take that thought in. Savour it. Now run to the toilet, throw up and we'll carry on.

According to the website that it surfaced on, the Gene Simmons sex tape captures an encounter between Gene and some bimbo who helps flog energy drinks. It explains things so much better than we ever could:

What is Gene's Secret? Actually, it's a WHO, and she is a hot little Austrian babe, named Elsa. She is a model, and one of the Frank's Energy Drink Girls, a brand which Gene endorses (apparently to fuel his sex drive.) Elsa and Gene party like rockstars, and we have it all here, EXCLUSIVELY on GenesSecret.com. Elsa loves to Yodel, she loves Octoberfest, maple syrup and Rock & Roll! And of course, she loves Gene's Family Jewels… and even his reality show.

Sources suggest that Gene Simmons is furious that his sex tape has been made public, and this could be for several reasons. Perhaps the tape wounded Gene Simmons' dignity, or perhaps he's just fuming that he hasn't made any money out of it. Or perhaps – just perhaps – he's frightened that viewers of the Gene Simmons sex tape will watch it and realise that they're probably quite a lot better at sex than Gene appears to be.

If Gene Simmons really is as angry about the sex tape as he's reported to be, then we can expect the tape to be removed from the internet pretty sharpish. So take it all in while you can – the music, the movements, the jaded facial expressions that suggests Gene just wants to go home and have a nice cup of tea. More real than the Meg White Sex tape with less of a disgusting poo fixation than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape, catch the Gene Simmons sex tape now. Permanent loss of libido or your money back.

Fleshbot has Gene Simmons sex tape clips. They're obviously not safe for work, or for anyone with eyes, or for anyone who doesn't really, really like Foreigner.

Basically, what we're saying is thank heavens for Celebrity Apprentice – the all-star version of the Donald Trump bellowing vehicle that's going to single-handedly save all of American television from imploding in on itself. Or at least that's what Celebrity Apprentice would do if, you know, it actually had any celebrities in it. The line-up for Celebrity Apprentice has been announced, and the two biggest names involved are Gene Simmons from obsolete rock band Kiss and Lennox Lewis from the RAC direct insurance adverts, with 12 other nonentities added to make up the numbers.

We hear the Celebrity Apprentice producers wanted to up the show's mean level of celebrity, but the old man who was in one episode of Casualty for three seconds with a broken finger in 1989 was too busy to take part.

Although it's British incarnation is still going strong thanks to it being exactly the same week after week and year after year, the original American version of The Apprentice fell on its arse a long time ago. People stopped watching sometime between Martha Stewart buggering it all up, Donald Trump firing his icy fembot sidekick and the show decamping to LA, where each week's losing team were forced to sleep in tents, and the show was axed – a shame, because it meant that Donald Trump and Mark Burnett never got round to debuting their 'losers must kill, disembowel and eat each week's fired candidate' gimmick.

However, thanks to the success of the British charity Celebrity Apprentice – where Rupert Everett pulled out midway through even though it was for charity, probably directly causing the deaths of up to 15 starving African orphans – Donald Trump was thrown a lifeline in July when NBC decided to make its own version of Celebrity Apprentice.

Finally, Donald Trump could get back on TV and stop hawking bits of meat and intimidating Scottish fishermen who don't want him to build a golf course on their house. And, although Rosie O'Donnell declined Trump's Celebrity Apprentice invite, good old Donald Trump has managed to get his hands on 14 of the most insanely famous megastars on the planet to take part on the show. Donald Trump himself says:

"This will be the most exciting season of The Apprentice yet—maybe even better than season one. Our 14 celebrity contestants are incredible individually, and as a group they will make The Celebrity Apprentice one of the hottest shows on television."

So who are these incredible contestants, these gods among men who variously inspire magisterial levels of subordination and outright lust in the general population just by the sound of their names alone? Well, the truth is we don't really know. None of the Celebrity Apprentice are really that famous, you see. But we're sure it was deliberate on Donald Trump's part – he probably turned down Madonna and Nelson Mandela and Tom Cruise and Ringo Starr and Princess Diana's ghost and whoever invented the Soulja Boy Dance in favour of the real Celebrity Apprentice contestants. And in case you were wondering, they happen to be:

Gene Simmons – Most famous for: discovering Lil' Chris

Stephen Baldwin – Most famous for: being Barney Rubble in The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas

Lennox Lewis – Most famous for: punching people for a living

Vincent Pastore – Most famous for: turning into a fish in The Sopranos

Piers Morgan – Most famous for: doing a vaguely unconvincing impression of Simon Cowell on America's Got Talent

Tiffany Fallon – Most famous for: her tits

Trace Adkins – Most famous for: singing songs about crop silos or something

Tito Ortiz - Most famous for: rolling around the floor with men in a homoerotic way

Carol Alt – Most famous for: her tits

Marilu Henner – Most famous for: being in a sitcom that hasn't been on TV for 24 years

Nadia Comaneci – Most famous for: being a Romanian gymnast

Nely Galan – Most famous for: hosting a three-year old reality TV show

Jennie Finch – Most famous for: playing softball. Softball

Omarosa – Most famous for: being on The Apprentice

You can see all of these A-listers get yelled at by Donald Trump when Celebrity Apprentice premieres on… oh, who cares. It's not as if you're actually going to watch Celebrity Apprentice, are you? Are you?