If you’re unemployed, a student or a drug addict, leaving the four walls of your house isn’t something that high on your list.

Think about it, whilst millions of poor saps go to work to earn money, you get to lie in bed while scratching your arse and reheating last night’s kebab for breakfast.

The only problem is that things can get boring. Take E4, for example – in the daytime it shows Friends. And nothing else. But if you are sick of seeing the same episode for the millionth time, there is hope for you. Rumours circulating around Hollywood are suggesting a Friends movie. We’ve haven’t been this excited since the announcement of The Sex and the City film. Honest.

Let’s be honest, the only people that have benefited from Friends are The Rembrandts. Does anyone know any other song of theirs apart from I’ll Be There For You? Of course not. Remember kids, every time the overly jazzy guitar chords lurch from the TV to our ears, they get paid. Whilst you’re reading this, they’ll probably be surrounded by piles of money while prostitutes make them crazy sandwiches such as paprika and diesel oil.

Anyway, what would an extended version of Friends bring to the big screen? Obviously you’d be about £6 lighter off after buying a ticket. Next, you’ll pick up annoying American words and catchphrases that pretty much makes you a walking punchbag if you recite them. We imagine the plot of the film to go along the lines of this:

“It’s Thanksgiving in America and all the Friends have reunited for a special one off meal to celebrate freedom and memories from days gone by. Before arriving, Phoebe hasn’t defrosted the turkey! Whoops! She puts it on a shelf to unfreeze. But uh-oh! The shelf is wonky. Only the slightest nudge would knock it off and on top of someone. Cue someone dopey like Chandler to enter the flat, tap the shelf and send the turkey on to his head! Thus, making way for 91 minutes of repetitive comedy. Some of which that will be stolen from the TV show.”

One of the minor stars of the TV show, James Michael Tyler, told Now Magazine:

“Friends: The Movie is definitely on. I still keep in touch with a lot of the cast and they say that they are really keen.”

However, none of the six recognised people who make the show have confirmed anything. Whilst most of them have done bugger all since the show finished, we guess they’ll be haggling over money before agreeing to do an utterly gash film.

None of them will have learnt from The Sex and the City film. TV to film really doesn’t work.

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Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

When it comes to barely-even-dead TV shows heading to the big screen there are few occasions when it's a genuinely good idea. The Sex and the City film proved it was a lucrative idea, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. It does if you're a money-hoarding twit, mind, but if you have any integrity whatsoever it's probably better to leave these projects alone. Let them die, especially when they went on for ten years and tied up every loose end imaginable over the course.

Don't re-open the wounds, don't rehash the same storylines, don't break up the established relationships and don't create new problems from lives that fans of the show have accepted as being 'on course'. Oh, and retroactively: don't give Joey a spin-off. It won't work. hecklerspray feared the worst when rumours popped up earlier this week that all of those sins were about to be committed in one glorious two-hour epic of utterly unbelievable lives, 'being there for yoooou' and Phoebe being a shit character.

But thank crikey if there haven't been two massive wedges of sense in the space of a day – first the tabloid 'zines turn down messr Lohan's approaches to sell the story of the child that may not even be his, and now it would seem that the raping of an only very recently dead TV corpse is to be left alone. For the time being, at least. Matthew Perry – or Chandler, or that one off that cancelled TV show that was quite good, for those who don't know him outside of Friends (i.e. most people, thanks to his stellar movie career) – has a publicist, Lisa Kasteler, and she said these words using her mouth:

"Nothing is happening in this regard, so the rumour is false."

She couldn't have put it better if she tried. Well, she could – she could have swore or something, as we all know swearing is fucking cool. But for 'getting straight to the point' points, she scores high.

But this leaves something of a void in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers. Well, we should say 'more of a void than the normal vacuous space that should resemble the creative part of a human brain in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers'. Without a tried-and-tested formula, what can they do? Come up with something new? Do a sequel? Release the same rom-com again with a different title?

hecklerspray has a suggestion, one that we're willing to give up for free, just this once. It covers the TV-remake base and has genuine potential, as well as being a worthy transition from small to big screen, not just a bloated cash-in.

Arrested Development: The Movie.

Make that and most of your sins for being rubbish bastards will be forgiven.

But that's exactly what has hap… no, we're only joking. Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck aren't fighting any more, but only because Rosie though to send Elisabeth's newborn some gifts.

Still, we had you with the sex thing, right? Right?

The View has always been about disagreements, and it always will be – whether it's a disagreement about how much Danny DeVito has had to drink or about if murdering dogs is really brilliant or just quite brilliant. But no disagreements on The View were ever like the splitscreen battle royale between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck back in May. 

Founded on their inherent political differences – basically that one is a rightwing lunatic and the other is a paranoid conspiracy theorist – the Rosie O'Donnell/ Elisabeth Hasselbeck televised face-off was so vicious that we think it actually tore a hole in the space/time continuum. It'd explain a lot if it were true.

It would explain why Rosie O'Donnell left The View in a tantrum immediately and subsequently failed to find any other TV work, and it'd also explain why Elisabeth Hasselbeck got knocked up and gave birth to a baby boy pretty soon afterwards, even though we imagine that she thinks sex – even sex within a loving marriage – is filthy and wrong and will send you to hell and is something that only immigrants do.

But, despite keeping a tentative distance from each other since their on-air scrap, now it looks like Rosie and Elisabeth are ready to act like grown-ups around each other again. Apparently Rosie has decided that enough is enough, and that children are the future and that she and Rosie should teach them well and let them lead the way. Rosie's been speaking to People about her new softer relationship with Elisabeth:

"He's very, very cute. I saw him on TV, and I sent him a lovely gift, and [she and Hasselbeck] have been e-mailing each other. And peace prevails… We e-mail back and forth. She seems good. She looks like she adopted, like she didn't give birth. She looks perfectly fit and gorgeous already."

It's almost enough to bring a tear to the eye, isn't it? Not the fact that Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are slowly becoming friends again – we couldn't give a stuff about that – but we're just overwhelmed to learn that Rosie O'Donnell doesn't speak in that ridiculous blog haiku-speak all the time. Truly, this is a time of goodwill on Earth.

Read more:

Rosie Sends Baby Gifts to Elisabeth Hasselbeck – People 

But just because The Break-Up was so dire that it makes us want to vomit poo into an elf's face, it doesn't mean that its stars Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston don't get along. In fact, although they spilt up in 2006, Vince Vaughn has told Parade magazine that he's still great friends with Jennifer Aniston.

If this means there's going to be a sequel to The Break-Up any time soon, so help us…

Jennifer Aniston strikes us as possibly the worst ex-girlfriend in the history of everything. Look at how she coped when Brad Pitt dumped her for Angelina Jolie – she screamed at the sea, she organised pity-parties, she complained bitterly at every turn and she junked almost everything he owned, all the while giving off the impression of the bitterest woman that ever did live.

However, right after Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston rebounded into Vince Vaughn. They did all the things that lovers typically do – they moved in together, they starred in a film together that was so terrible it made us want to tear our hair out and braid it into a golden rope and hang ourselves with it, they spoke of getting married and then they split up once the DVD promotion came to an end.

History says that at this point Vince Vaughn should have built himself a concrete bunker in the desert to escape Jennifer Aniston's neverending fiery wrath, but he didn't. Oddly, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are still friends with each other. Just to blow your minds even further, Vince Vaughn told Parade magazine:

"I have such a great friendship with Jennifer. I still talk to her constantly. I have a real, genuine connection with Jen. I also have a real appreciation of her. That continues to this day. I always try to keep my relationships quiet and my work at the forefront. I haven't been someone to go and talk about those things, because that's not what I want to be known for. In regular life, people date, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. We just get more attention because we're more known."

Now hold on, because here's where things get complicated. This means that Vince Vaughn still likes Jennifer Aniston but dislikes Reese Witherspoon, who played Jennifer Aniston's sister in Friends. It seems like there's some rather severe Friends-cast friendship inconsistencies going on here on Vince's part. We wonder how he feels about Christina Applegate, who played Jennifer Aniston's other sister in Friends.

Probably deep ambivalence. Much like the rest of us.

Read more:

Vince Vaughn's Aniston bond – Monsters And Critics

Amy Winehouse has moved out of her old Camden house and into a new flat to try and rid herself of all the troubling memories she's gained over the last few months. However, that might just be because she wants room for all kinds of new troubling memories, because Amy Winehouse has been befriended by none other than Pete Doherty. Rest easy, though – Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are just platonic friends at the moment. And we'll know if it ever turns into a physical, sexual relationship because the sky will turn blood-red and a plague of vomiting locusts will descend on North London. Or something.

Sometimes it's like Amy Winehouse does this on purpose, you know. As sad as she might be that her husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been remanded in custody for the foreseeable future, at least Amy's fans and family know that removing her from what appears to be a malign force will be better for her in the long-term.

And what's the first thing Amy Winehouse does? She cosies up with Pete Doherty – a mirror image of Blake Fielder-Civil, provided you're using one of those fairground mirrors that makes you look all grossly overweight and almost dead. For instance, Pete Doherty was Amy Winehouse's first guest at her new place, turning up at 4am with a battered old guitar and a well-thumbed dictionary of 1950s British prison slang tucked nicely into his jacket where nobody could see.

This new friendship won't be welcomed by Amy Winehouse's parents – in fact, it's rumoured that Amy's father Mitch Winehouse has already hit Pete Doherty in the face with a guitar – but you can't stop the force of such spellbinding creativity. Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are writing a song together that we think is called either You Hurt The Ones You Love or You Hurt The Ones You Love (And Anyone Else With A Fully-Working Set Of Ears Whenever You Open Your Mouth).

But it's not just Pete Doherty hanging around that's caused Amy Winehouse's new neighbours to worry – there's also the matter of the giant bag of white powder that was photographed in Amy's car as she was moving in, although Amy's spokesperson is adamant that it wasn't a bag of drugs – more likely some loose make-up or powderised hand-towels or whatever.

Regardless of this, though, by choosing Blake Fielder-Civil and then Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse has shown that she only really likes vastly unsuitable men. That's bad news for the world at large, but good news for the ghost of Dr Harold Shipman, who we hear is investing in a trilby and some breath spray as we speak.

Read more:

For Pete's sake: Amy Winehouse's world is falling apart…then Doherty visits at 4am - This Is London