Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Cox said:

“No guy’s asked me out. I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general.”

Then, she talked about sticking her hand down her kecks and having a crygasm.

“I have sexual feelings, there’s ways to deal with that. It’s time for me to get out there. It’s not easy to meet people. They don’t call me.”

“I’ve not had a man since David… [I've] made out with one guy.”

The guy in question is a celebrity and no, we don’t know his name. Let us just assume she tapped-off with one of the cast of Friends. Maybe that staring, beady eyed coffee guy with the German name.

(Shh. It’s totally co-star Josh Hopkins)

Either way, one thing we’ll all have to live with now, is the thought of Cox’s weirdly taut body trembling with self-abasement while she’s gawping at online smut with a hand up her skirt.

No. We won’t pay for your dry-cleaning bills if you just lost your breakfast.

Calling all you single ladies! Have you starred in a successful sitcom in the last 20 years that’s completely overshadowed the rest of your career?

Then good news!

You can follow in the footsteps of Sarah Chalke and resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never amount to anything more than a 1 dimensional stereotype that never managed to get top billing and decide to see out the rest of your days rubbing your thighs and being all sassy on, what is fast becoming television’s equivalent of a hospice, Cougar Town.

The artist formerly known as Elliot from Scrubs has traded her stethoscope for a 14 year old Philipino boy with rock hard abs and an oh-so-stylish moustache that just about makes him look legal, to join forces with the woman formerly known as Jordan from Scrubs, as well as that one from Friends who used to be married to David Arquette and the one from Freaks and Geeks who was the only one to not have a semi decent career.

With Chalke now on board, we here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will be next to spread their legs and fly genitals first into Cougar Town.

Julie Benz

Benz was dramatically offed at the very end of Dexter, series 4, so maybe it’s time for her to dramatically get off with the pool boy and just accept that Dexter was the pinnacle of her career. Unless you count that last Rambo sequel… in which case we suggest you get help.

Kristin Davis

Sex and the City was massive. So massive that every woman in the world is either a Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or A Ginger One. The TV series was so massive that it spawned 2 entire films that seemed to be specifically designed to torment boyfriends and male cinema staff all over the world. Let’s be honest Kristin, no matter how many sex tapes you release you’ll never escape the fact that you ARE Charlotte. Why not embrace this inevitability and have her strut her way back onto our screens via the mean streets of Cougar Town.

Sean Hayes

Actor/producer/writer. Sean Hayes, much like his Will and Grace character Jack McFarland, really is a triple threat. Unfortunately this threat hasn’t been too threatening since his stint as the ultra camp performance artist. Sean needs to tap dance his way back onto our screens and provide Cougar Town with the musical numbers it so richly deserves. Besides, Cougar Town is going to need at least one old queen to mop up its snail trail sodden streets.

Place your bets now, before the menopause takes hold and dries Cougar Town up.

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At hecklerspray, we like to take real celebrity news and mangle it until it barely resembles the original source material and then watch on and laugh as people take our word as gospel. Sometimes though, there are so many possible corruptions of a story that we’re forced to decide on just one. The others that are rejected instantly go into a state of depressive rage and begin to tear away at the backs of our minds until we eventually self-harm.

In an effort to stop that happening, this story contains 3 mini stories. Think of it as your favourite sitcom doing a clip show because they’ve run out of ideas or, if you will, the last two seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. This is slightly different of course, we have too many ideas.

The fact of the matter is that Green Day front-berk Billie Joe Armstrong was thrown off an internal American flight because his trousers were hanging too low and he questioned the Flight Attendant who told him to pull them up. In all honesty, that’s kind of fair enough. It is every 39 year old’s right to wear his trousers round his thighs if he wants. You’re only as old as you feel and Billie Joe obviously feels 13.

However, what if there were other reasons he was thrown off? Here’s five possible suggestions:

Using His Guy-Liner As A Weapon

Billie Joe’s love of male eyeliner (hilariously marketed as guy-liner) is obvious to anyone that isn’t a simpering teenager who wishes that he was either sleeping with them or sleeping with their mum. Being a man approaching 40, Billie Joe’s love of makeup doesn’t seem to be passing. Perhaps the Flight Attendant pointed out that he looked like an emo child with millions of dollars to blow on makeup pencil sharpeners.

We know that if we were in the same position, we’d threaten to stab someone who pointed out how silly we looked.

Doing “A Depardieu”

It’s obvious by Billie Joe’s eyeliner that he just desperately wants to be cool. In fact, he wants to be cool so desperately that he is willing to relieve himself in full view of his fellow passengers in an effort to mimic the effortlessly cool (and slightly eccentric) Gerard Depardieu. Pissing in full sight of an assembled group of people would also enhance the singer’s ailing cool credentials and make him seem more ‘punk’, something he hasn’t been called in the best part of fifteen years.

Musical Terrorism

Billie Joe isn’t the real guilty party here but then, it’s not unusual to see someone punished for a crime that isn’t really their fault. Green Day themselves have morphed from a popular exponent of a musical sub-culture into a popularity-driven hype machine punctuated by changing musical tastes amongst teenagers and studio executives alike. Reprise Records (Green Day’s label) have changed and have dragged Green Day along with them.

This seems to have left the band desperate to appeal to ‘old school’ Green Day fans and teenagers in heart grenade hoodies who believe that 21st Century Breakdown is “deep and really speaks to them”. In becoming a pop band, Green Day have stretched themselves too thin.

If Billie Joe was thrown off the plane and arrested for musical terrorism then he would be nothing more than an accessory to the crime.

When E4 had eventually grown tired of showing endless repeats of Friends and Scrubs, the channel eventually spat out its own unique programming, aimed at the sort of person that hecklerspray writers aren’t; the young, the cool, the hip and the trendy. Arseholes, basically.

On one end of the spectrum, there was Skins, a programme which captured everyone’s dream college lifestyle, in a show which frequently used drugs, booze and sex, but portrayed them in the most extreme way to great effect.

Skins was escapism for most whilst The Inbetweeners offered a firmer dose of reality, especially for hormonal teenage boys. These are the sort of people who couldn’t quite make that move from fingering a girl to using an empty packet of Space Raiders as a makeshift condom when that first awkward sexual experience arrived.

The show has, like many of its Channel 4 predecessors, made the leap from small screen to the cinema, or a dodgy DVD off someone in the pub. The Inbetweeners Movie has broken UK box office records, even though it feels like a watered down version of the TV series.

We don’t have a total feeling of hate towards The Inbetweeners. If anything we truly admire something that was able to last an impressive three series, despite having the same jokes more or less each week. Whether they’d be about Will’s mum, mocking Jay’s supposed conquests, alternative words for the female lady garden or generally being rejected by women when a vague opportunity arose.

After series three finished, it almost seemed like the natural place to finish. For once, a TV show wasn’t going to finish with flashbacks, somebody waking up in the shower or a gathering of ninjas bursting into kill everyone. Instead, the main characters went on a camping trip following on from taking their A-Levels. As per real life, this is the time that most people take their first independent holiday abroad and this is where The Inbetweeners film takes us.

In a nutshell, the film goes along these lines of all four characters going to Magaluf one of them keeps on seeing an old flame, four new women enter the scene, they all fall in love and make a mess of it, all before patching things up at the end. Suffice to say, it’s a run of the mill plot which could be applied to any situation in life, such as moving to a new city or starting a job, all be it with minor script changes.

Sitcoms like The Inbetweeners always do well as people incessantly latch onto and copy the catchphrases. These are the same people who delight in posting the term “lol” on your Facebook status. Choice highlights from the TV show include “bus wanker”, “clunge” and mocking anyone who says the word “friend” in a tone similar to someone who’s just experienced a stroke.

In this movie however, there doesn’t seem to be any memorable moments that stick in the memory once you’ve left the cinema. Of course there are moments of humour but based around a lad’s holiday abroad, most people have been there and done it, making the viewing experience nothing out of the ordinary. Erratic drunken behaviour and unexpected surprises? Not particularly groundbreaking or imaginative.

But the people of Britain have flocked to the flicks, catapulting it in to the record books for a UK comedy. Whilst the movie industry will be celebrating high visitor numbers, we’re sure that pissed off cinema staff won’t be happy when they have to clean up spilt drinks and thrown snacks after pack screenings finish. Unless you’re a cinema buff, you probably won’t know this little snippet:

“Between Wednesday and Sunday The Inbetweeners Movie took £13.2m, putting it comfortably on top of the UK and Ireland box office chart. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason held the previous record for highest opening by a UK comedy. According to the producers of The Inbetweeners Movie, that film took £10.4m in its first weekend in 2004.”

If movies based on real life experiences are going down a treat at the box office, then we’ll be working on a script over the next few months in which three people have an awkward conversation in a launderette. Eventually, one of them will realise that they’ve mixed their colours with their whites… with hilarious consequences.

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Remember Matthew Perry? Y’know? Chandler from Friends? If you do, you’ll remember he went as thin as a heroin-addict’s dog for a while, before ballooning to the size of a shed full of butter, before going thin again and walking off the edge of the Earth, never to be seen again.

Well, Chandler is back to tell us something!

That’s right! He is here to announce that he’s been looking at himself in the mirror, horrified with what he’s seen and been drinking or gobbling handfuls of pills or something to deal with the wreck he is. And so, without anyone actually caring thus far, he’s announced he’s off to rehab to ‘focus on his sobriety.’

This time ’round, the Friends star hasn’t said what he’s addicted to, but in the past, he’s had an almost admirable fondness for painkillers.

He got himself addicted to Vicodin after he had a little accident on a jet ski and was later found throwing 20 to 30 pills a day down his neck. He then found himself in hospital with pancreatitis due to amazing amounts of booze in his bloodstream.

He should’ve spoken to Michael Jackson. Propofol is obviously where it’s at! Anyway, what has the former famous person got to say from himself?

In a statement, Perry says:

“I’m making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery.”

And while you may think ‘Awww, what a shame! I kinda liked him. You idiot so-called journalists should get a life and stop being so nasty to a sitcom superstar!’, we’ll point out that Perry noted in his statement:

“Please enjoy making fun of me on the world wide web.”

So there you have it. If you have a problem with us poking fun at a desperately unhappy man, you should note that we’re only doing as the actor says and disagreeing with him is just like wanting him TO DIE.

HOW COULD YOU, YOU HORRIBLE GHOULS?

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Apart from some really woeful photoshop jobs and some rubbish paparazzi shots, Jennifer Aniston has only ever given us sideboob and taken her shirt off with her back to us. Of course, that’s not to say she hasn’t flaunted her chest in the past. She seemingly spent three whole series of Friends with erect nipples and no bra on, leaving hallow faced onanists to squint their eyes up nightly.

Well, wonder no more. Apart from taking her top off to promote her new perfume, she’ll be getting them out for a new film of hers, if rumours are to be believed.

Aniston, who unbelievably, is 41-years-old, will derobe for the first time in her celluloid career as part of the Judd Apatow-produced comedy Wanderlust.

Aniston is going to play the role of a married woman who suddenly decides to go all hippie along with her husband, played by Paul Rudd.

During one scene, Aniston’s character is apparently going to tear off her shirt to distract the driver of a bulldozer. Granted, that’s a bit lame.

However, here come the goods.

Her character also sleeps with numerous men in a commune, engages in a threesome with two other women and takes drugs during the course of the film.

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Remember Friends? Every inhabitant of Earth gathered in Times Square to watch the last episode and openly wept when one of them did that thing that meant a lot to their character or whatever it was. Then Joey probably did a bad impression of the Fonz and they all laughed their shoulders up and down like the closing moments of a M.A.S.K. cartoon.

Then, all the careers of the Friends crew almost evaporated overnight. Anyone seen Matthew Perry recently? That woman who played Phoebe? Anyone? Is she selling contraband rolling tobacco out of the back of a Nissan Micra?

Now we’ve got Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. They’ve fared a little better over the years but haven’t ever hit the heights of when they were regularly on TV. Aniston is the only one who stayed in the public eye, mainly thanks to being referred to as That Woman Who Keeps Stabbing Photos Of Angelina Jolie.

In a bid to remind themselves of the glory years, Aniston and Friends co-star Courtney Cox Arquette plan to work together Cox Arquette’s show Cougar Town.

Aniston will play a therapist named Bonnie who Courtney’s character will visit for treatment.

Explaining the character, Cougar Town executive producer Bill Lawrence said:

“She’s kind of a get-too-involved-in-her-life-type of therapist. Those guys are so close in real life they kind of do that for each other anyway. Bonnie has the life Jules wishes she has.”

There have also been rumours that Aniston would also show her face in a Scream sequel with Courtney Cox Her Name Is Too Long To Continually Type Out. The film is called Dimension and the rumour is, apparently, a crock.

Lawrence added

“We’re very intentionally implying that it’s a therapist Courteney’s character has been using for a while, and we’re certainly not going to make it like they’ll never see each other again. So I’m crossing my fingers that if she has a good time it’ll happen again.”

So anyone hoping that Aniston and Cox’s short-lived lez-off in ‘Dirt’ would be furthered in the name of a nostalgia wank… sorry, this is a shirts-on reunion.

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Jennifer Aniston used to get paid $1,000,000 for every episode of Friends she flipped her hair and whored about in.

Adam Sandler has appeared in some of the highest-grossing film comedies ever and won acting plaudits for more serious roles in movies like Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.

Nicole Kidman has a Best Actress Oscar.

AND NOW THEY’RE ALL APPEARING IN A FILM WITH HEIDI MONTAG!

Heidi Montag, whose name translates in German as ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ has signed up for Just Go With It, an intense and deeply disturbing insight into torture methods used on both sides during the first Gulf War. Oh, no. Sorry. That’s not it, it’s a romantic comedy about a man and woman and love and blah blah blah…

Whatever.

Jennifer Aniston is apparently pleased about the latest sign-up. When she was asked about the Montag joining the cast, she said: “I just heard that. That’s interesting and fun”, adding that Montag is ‘perfect’ for the role, but declined to give any details about what she will be doing. Crying uncontrollably? Singing tuneless pop songs badly? Marrying a Pratt?

If her cringe-worthy antics in The Hills are anything to go by, where she fails to convince even when playing herself, we’re in for a real treat with this.

If her awful cameo in How I Met Your Mother is anything to by, where she failed to convince even when playing herself, we really are in for a real treat here.

If her quality Superficial album, which has sold just 15,000 copies despite costing nearly $2,000,000 to make, is anything to by, well – you see what we’re saying. She’s awful.

Although we’ve long suspected that Heidi Montag is not the surgically-enhanced, airheaded pillock that everyone takes her for. Why do we think this? Well, because we’re idiots. But nevertheless, it is hecklerspray’s firmly-held belief that Montag is a satirical comedy creation, designed to highlight the insignificance of talent, fame or charm. A character that will one day soon be revealed to us, to show us all how far off course we have gone, the personification of the futility of earnest achievement and hard work in today’s society.

Or is that just bollocks?

Just Go With It arrives in cinemas to a collective shrug next year.

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Since Friends ended, David Schwimmer hasn’t done a single thing that’s worth mentioning in any meaningful way.

But now he’s engaged. Which we wouldn’t usually count as something that would be worth mentioning in any meaningful way, but it’s a very slow news day. So hooray! David Schwimmer’s getting married! To his long-term girlfriend! At some unspecified point in the future!

Details of David Schwimmer’s wedding are being kept firmly under wraps – but it’s thought that his bride-to-be Zoe Buckman is planning to wear a dress of some kind for the service, while we’ve heard rumours that David Schwimmer himself is anticipating to experience at least one brief moment of happiness during the day, although he’s refusing to state when because he wants to keep something to himself.

If we told you a decade ago that David Schwimmer was engaged, it’d be huge news. You’d be all like “What? The star of the biggest show on the planet is getting married? What a lucky girl! This is huge news!” And all the cast of Friends would have attended the wedding – Jennifer Aniston and her husband Brad Pitt would have been there, sexy heartthrob Matt LeBlanc would have been there and even Matthew Perry – prescription drug addiction allowing – would have been there.

Now, though, it’s a different story. David Schwimmer actually is engaged – to long-term girlfriend Zoe Buckman – and you’re all like “What? The director of mediocre, little-watched Simon Pegg vehicle Run Fat Boy Run is getting married? I’m completely apathetic about this! I suppose it’s news!” And hopefully the cast of Friends will still attend the wedding – Jennifer Aniston will be there, getting drunk and trying to feel up the waiters. Fat middle-aged hasbeen Matt LeBlanc will be there and even Matthew Perry – addiction to not being famous any more allowing – will be there.

But just because David Schwimmer might not be as famous as he once was, it doesn’t mean that he isn’t happy about his wedding. He is, after all, easily old enough to be his fiance’s dad, and that has to count for something. UsMagazine reports:

Former Friends star David Schwimmer is set to walk down the aisle with his longtime girlfriend Zoe Buckman, UsMagazine.com has confirmed. The actor/director, 43, and his photographer girlfriend of three years, 24, reportedly met in London while Schwimmer was in town directing the 2007 comedy Run Fatboy Run.

No date for the Schwimmer/ Buckman wedding has been set but, since we’ve devoted so much space to the engagement, it goes without saying that we’ll be covering the ceremony itself. Unless something more exciting happens on the same day, of course – like if there’s a celebrity death, or someone more famous gets married, or a cat falls down a well, or someone tries to put their shoes on the wrong way round or something. That is our promise.

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Doing the same thing again and again can sometimes make you want to die a little bit inside. Like watching Friends, for instance.

After all, it was never funny the first time and, despite being repeated over and over, it didn’t get any more amusing. Hey look! Phoebe is a little bit mental in the head, let’s all laugh!

Now, the actual show finished in 2004 but has still remained a keystone of Channel 4′s output. Repeat screenings of the show are broadcast daily across its different channels to entertain students or the unemployed. Because Friends is to be permanently cancelled, it might mean that people will buy the boxsets that have been collecting dust in various HMVs across the country. Sky+ what you can! Come autumn 2011, it’ll be gone for good.

Of course, you might be wondering why we are reporting this now and not in a year’s time. Well, we like to be helpful and wanted give you a warning so you don’t forget. To some people out there, this will literally be life and death news. Forget going for an STD check, it’s time to ensure that the zany adventures of some Americans are recorded.

Is it really a bad thing though? Come on, you can only watch something so many times before it gets boring. And after all, won’t it mean that we’ll get to see programmes that are actually fresh and modern as opposed to ones from the last millennium? Thankfully Gill Hay, head of acquisitions of Channel 4 agrees. She told The Times:

“After 15 years, 10 hit series and 236 terrific episodes it’s time to say goodbye to old Friends and welcome new ones, in the form of more comedy, drama and entertainment from the US and UK.”

So that’s one American comedy to go, but what about the others? We don’t have much to complain about with Scrubs, but it’s starting to become like an unwanted relative. Always around, it never seems to be an hour or so away. Of course you can switch Scrubs off, but not a pensioner. Unless you take them over to Switzerland.

However, there is one loser in all of this. The Rembrandts composed the annoyingly catchy theme tune for the show and earn a pretty penny every time the show gets aired. They are the definition of one-hit wonders as we can’t name anything else they’ve done. Not that they probably mind either. Jacuzzis in gold plated trunks are now a part of their daily lives.

If Channel 4 plans to repeat footage of programmes for another ten or so years, then let’s get ready to watch endless repeats of previous Big Brothers. From the comedy moment when Jade Goody got naked to when the fat bird wanked herself off with a bottle, we know it’ll be family entertainment just like Friends.

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If you’re unemployed, a student or a drug addict, leaving the four walls of your house isn’t something that high on your list.

Think about it, whilst millions of poor saps go to work to earn money, you get to lie in bed while scratching your arse and reheating last night’s kebab for breakfast.

The only problem is that things can get boring. Take E4, for example – in the daytime it shows Friends. And nothing else. But if you are sick of seeing the same episode for the millionth time, there is hope for you. Rumours circulating around Hollywood are suggesting a Friends movie. We’ve haven’t been this excited since the announcement of The Sex and the City film. Honest.

Let’s be honest, the only people that have benefited from Friends are The Rembrandts. Does anyone know any other song of theirs apart from I’ll Be There For You? Of course not. Remember kids, every time the overly jazzy guitar chords lurch from the TV to our ears, they get paid. Whilst you’re reading this, they’ll probably be surrounded by piles of money while prostitutes make them crazy sandwiches such as paprika and diesel oil.

Anyway, what would an extended version of Friends bring to the big screen? Obviously you’d be about £6 lighter off after buying a ticket. Next, you’ll pick up annoying American words and catchphrases that pretty much makes you a walking punchbag if you recite them. We imagine the plot of the film to go along the lines of this:

“It’s Thanksgiving in America and all the Friends have reunited for a special one off meal to celebrate freedom and memories from days gone by. Before arriving, Phoebe hasn’t defrosted the turkey! Whoops! She puts it on a shelf to unfreeze. But uh-oh! The shelf is wonky. Only the slightest nudge would knock it off and on top of someone. Cue someone dopey like Chandler to enter the flat, tap the shelf and send the turkey on to his head! Thus, making way for 91 minutes of repetitive comedy. Some of which that will be stolen from the TV show.”

One of the minor stars of the TV show, James Michael Tyler, told Now Magazine:

“Friends: The Movie is definitely on. I still keep in touch with a lot of the cast and they say that they are really keen.”

However, none of the six recognised people who make the show have confirmed anything. Whilst most of them have done bugger all since the show finished, we guess they’ll be haggling over money before agreeing to do an utterly gash film.

None of them will have learnt from The Sex and the City film. TV to film really doesn’t work.

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It's become quite sad how strapped for ideas Hollywood has become. Not content with raiding everything from our childhoods – Transformers, Thundercats, The Smurfs – and not even leaving it alone after travesties such as Starsky and Hutch or Miami Vice, the top bods have had to look to things that haven't even left the collective consciousness of the public.

Take the Sex and the City movie, for example. Rehashing a series that had finished on TV less than five years previously seemed to hecklerspray as something of a cynical cash-in. And it worked. Did it ever work . So who can blame the struggling execs in tinseltown for turning to another much-loved TV property with a push at converting it for the big screen, even though the topsoil on its grave is still fresh?

Yes, friends, there are rumours they're re-doing Friends. But for now, even though everyone in the world seems to be harping on about it, these rumours are nothing but that. There may be hope yet.

When it comes to barely-even-dead TV shows heading to the big screen there are few occasions when it's a genuinely good idea. The Sex and the City film proved it was a lucrative idea, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. It does if you're a money-hoarding twit, mind, but if you have any integrity whatsoever it's probably better to leave these projects alone. Let them die, especially when they went on for ten years and tied up every loose end imaginable over the course.

Don't re-open the wounds, don't rehash the same storylines, don't break up the established relationships and don't create new problems from lives that fans of the show have accepted as being 'on course'. Oh, and retroactively: don't give Joey a spin-off. It won't work. hecklerspray feared the worst when rumours popped up earlier this week that all of those sins were about to be committed in one glorious two-hour epic of utterly unbelievable lives, 'being there for yoooou' and Phoebe being a shit character.

But thank crikey if there haven't been two massive wedges of sense in the space of a day – first the tabloid 'zines turn down messr Lohan's approaches to sell the story of the child that may not even be his, and now it would seem that the raping of an only very recently dead TV corpse is to be left alone. For the time being, at least. Matthew Perry – or Chandler, or that one off that cancelled TV show that was quite good, for those who don't know him outside of Friends (i.e. most people, thanks to his stellar movie career) – has a publicist, Lisa Kasteler, and she said these words using her mouth:

"Nothing is happening in this regard, so the rumour is false."

She couldn't have put it better if she tried. Well, she could – she could have swore or something, as we all know swearing is fucking cool. But for 'getting straight to the point' points, she scores high.

But this leaves something of a void in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers. Well, we should say 'more of a void than the normal vacuous space that should resemble the creative part of a human brain in the minds of the Hollywood decision-makers'. Without a tried-and-tested formula, what can they do? Come up with something new? Do a sequel? Release the same rom-com again with a different title?

hecklerspray has a suggestion, one that we're willing to give up for free, just this once. It covers the TV-remake base and has genuine potential, as well as being a worthy transition from small to big screen, not just a bloated cash-in.

Arrested Development: The Movie.

Make that and most of your sins for being rubbish bastards will be forgiven.

The feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck was one that not even the most hardcore pervert could have imagined turning sexual.

But that's exactly what has hap… no, we're only joking. Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck aren't fighting any more, but only because Rosie though to send Elisabeth's newborn some gifts.

Still, we had you with the sex thing, right? Right?

The View has always been about disagreements, and it always will be – whether it's a disagreement about how much Danny DeVito has had to drink or about if murdering dogs is really brilliant or just quite brilliant. But no disagreements on The View were ever like the splitscreen battle royale between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck back in May. 

Founded on their inherent political differences – basically that one is a rightwing lunatic and the other is a paranoid conspiracy theorist – the Rosie O'Donnell/ Elisabeth Hasselbeck televised face-off was so vicious that we think it actually tore a hole in the space/time continuum. It'd explain a lot if it were true.

It would explain why Rosie O'Donnell left The View in a tantrum immediately and subsequently failed to find any other TV work, and it'd also explain why Elisabeth Hasselbeck got knocked up and gave birth to a baby boy pretty soon afterwards, even though we imagine that she thinks sex – even sex within a loving marriage – is filthy and wrong and will send you to hell and is something that only immigrants do.

But, despite keeping a tentative distance from each other since their on-air scrap, now it looks like Rosie and Elisabeth are ready to act like grown-ups around each other again. Apparently Rosie has decided that enough is enough, and that children are the future and that she and Rosie should teach them well and let them lead the way. Rosie's been speaking to People about her new softer relationship with Elisabeth:

"He's very, very cute. I saw him on TV, and I sent him a lovely gift, and [she and Hasselbeck] have been e-mailing each other. And peace prevails… We e-mail back and forth. She seems good. She looks like she adopted, like she didn't give birth. She looks perfectly fit and gorgeous already."

It's almost enough to bring a tear to the eye, isn't it? Not the fact that Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are slowly becoming friends again – we couldn't give a stuff about that – but we're just overwhelmed to learn that Rosie O'Donnell doesn't speak in that ridiculous blog haiku-speak all the time. Truly, this is a time of goodwill on Earth.

Read more:

Rosie Sends Baby Gifts to Elisabeth Hasselbeck – People 

Nobody talks about The Break-Up any more, mainly for fear that it'll trigger some sort of psychotic post-traumatic stress malarkey and they'll end up with a nosebleed.

But just because The Break-Up was so dire that it makes us want to vomit poo into an elf's face, it doesn't mean that its stars Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston don't get along. In fact, although they spilt up in 2006, Vince Vaughn has told Parade magazine that he's still great friends with Jennifer Aniston.

If this means there's going to be a sequel to The Break-Up any time soon, so help us…

Jennifer Aniston strikes us as possibly the worst ex-girlfriend in the history of everything. Look at how she coped when Brad Pitt dumped her for Angelina Jolie – she screamed at the sea, she organised pity-parties, she complained bitterly at every turn and she junked almost everything he owned, all the while giving off the impression of the bitterest woman that ever did live.

However, right after Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston rebounded into Vince Vaughn. They did all the things that lovers typically do – they moved in together, they starred in a film together that was so terrible it made us want to tear our hair out and braid it into a golden rope and hang ourselves with it, they spoke of getting married and then they split up once the DVD promotion came to an end.

History says that at this point Vince Vaughn should have built himself a concrete bunker in the desert to escape Jennifer Aniston's neverending fiery wrath, but he didn't. Oddly, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are still friends with each other. Just to blow your minds even further, Vince Vaughn told Parade magazine:

"I have such a great friendship with Jennifer. I still talk to her constantly. I have a real, genuine connection with Jen. I also have a real appreciation of her. That continues to this day. I always try to keep my relationships quiet and my work at the forefront. I haven't been someone to go and talk about those things, because that's not what I want to be known for. In regular life, people date, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. We just get more attention because we're more known."

Now hold on, because here's where things get complicated. This means that Vince Vaughn still likes Jennifer Aniston but dislikes Reese Witherspoon, who played Jennifer Aniston's sister in Friends. It seems like there's some rather severe Friends-cast friendship inconsistencies going on here on Vince's part. We wonder how he feels about Christina Applegate, who played Jennifer Aniston's other sister in Friends.

Probably deep ambivalence. Much like the rest of us.

Read more:

Vince Vaughn's Aniston bond – Monsters And Critics

We don't know about you, but we're going to invest in a battered old trilby and something to poke our eyes with until they're bleary because we want a shot at Amy Winehouse too.

Amy Winehouse has moved out of her old Camden house and into a new flat to try and rid herself of all the troubling memories she's gained over the last few months. However, that might just be because she wants room for all kinds of new troubling memories, because Amy Winehouse has been befriended by none other than Pete Doherty. Rest easy, though – Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are just platonic friends at the moment. And we'll know if it ever turns into a physical, sexual relationship because the sky will turn blood-red and a plague of vomiting locusts will descend on North London. Or something.

Sometimes it's like Amy Winehouse does this on purpose, you know. As sad as she might be that her husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been remanded in custody for the foreseeable future, at least Amy's fans and family know that removing her from what appears to be a malign force will be better for her in the long-term.

And what's the first thing Amy Winehouse does? She cosies up with Pete Doherty – a mirror image of Blake Fielder-Civil, provided you're using one of those fairground mirrors that makes you look all grossly overweight and almost dead. For instance, Pete Doherty was Amy Winehouse's first guest at her new place, turning up at 4am with a battered old guitar and a well-thumbed dictionary of 1950s British prison slang tucked nicely into his jacket where nobody could see.

This new friendship won't be welcomed by Amy Winehouse's parents – in fact, it's rumoured that Amy's father Mitch Winehouse has already hit Pete Doherty in the face with a guitar – but you can't stop the force of such spellbinding creativity. Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are writing a song together that we think is called either You Hurt The Ones You Love or You Hurt The Ones You Love (And Anyone Else With A Fully-Working Set Of Ears Whenever You Open Your Mouth).

But it's not just Pete Doherty hanging around that's caused Amy Winehouse's new neighbours to worry – there's also the matter of the giant bag of white powder that was photographed in Amy's car as she was moving in, although Amy's spokesperson is adamant that it wasn't a bag of drugs – more likely some loose make-up or powderised hand-towels or whatever.

Regardless of this, though, by choosing Blake Fielder-Civil and then Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse has shown that she only really likes vastly unsuitable men. That's bad news for the world at large, but good news for the ghost of Dr Harold Shipman, who we hear is investing in a trilby and some breath spray as we speak.

Read more:

For Pete's sake: Amy Winehouse's world is falling apart…then Doherty visits at 4am - This Is London