Eddie Murphy is a jealous, jealous man who doesn’t like to share screentime with anyone else. This is why he plays every single character in the films he makes. Of course, sets must be incredibly lonely for him.

Why else would he have willingly had sex with Mel B?

Anyway, Murphy is all set to be the voice of cartoon character Hong Kong Phooey in a new feature length caper. Don’t remember Hong Kong Phooey? Let us fill you in while being dismissive of stuff.

Murphy, of course, has previous in feature length animations as he provided the voice for Shrek’s Donkey. Now, he’ll get centre stage (as well as stage right, left, top, bottom and whatever else there is going) as he voices the ‘number one super guy’.

Of course, Hanna-Barbera’s Hong Kong Phooey (which kicked off in ’74) isn’t particularly super at all. In fact, he’s hopeless.

Phooey is the alter ego of Penrod “Penry” Pooch who is a “mild-mannered” police station janitor. Oddly, Penry lives in a world run by humans who don’t seem to mind a talking dog walking around on its hind legs while brandishing a mop. Indeed, Rosemary, the Telephone Operator in the show wants to have sex with Penry. Penry the dog.

Penrod also has a pet cat. Honestly. It’s never addressed. A dog with a pet cat who is the real hero of the hour. See, when Penry turns into Hong Kong Phooey, he doesn’t become brilliant. In fact, he’s a screw-up. He ballses everything up but gets all the credit for his cat’s smarts.

Think Inspector Gadget and Penny. Phooey had all his moves stolen by the famous bumbling bobby.

Anyway, this flick will no doubt be in hideous 3D with the theme redone by Blink 182 or something. It’s going to be dreadful isn’t it?

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This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.

No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.

And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.

It goes without saying that Harper Seven is just the latest in a long line of stupid names for a sleb offspring. Jason Lee’s stupid child is called Pilot Inspektor, Jermaine Jackson hilariously named his kid Jermajesty and Sly Stallone takes the biscuit with the impressively awful Sage Moonblood, which sounds like the sort of nonsense that Charlie Sheen might come up with. And we all know about Zappa’s kids but you get the impression he gave them daft names on purpose.

In a statement on his Facebook page, the footballing half of the duo said:

“I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham.

“She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx.”

So, that’s David and Victoria heading up a household which also stars Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper. Sounds like a collection of air fresheners. Bad air fresheners at that.

But why Harper Seven? Well, seven was David’s number when he played for Manchester United and England and… well… Harper… you imagine Victoria simply looked around and gawped at her vapid life and saw a copy of Harper’s Bizarre on the coffee table and *BING* a baby was christened.

Slightly better than calling it Take A Break we suppose.

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When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.

At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.

And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!

Like girls who sync their periods when in close proximity, the Spice Girls have unfathomably all becoming pregnant at the same time (well, everyone except from Geri and Sporty Spice who can’t find anyone who will willingly have sex with them).

This leads us to think that they’ve done it on purpose so that, in 15 year’s time, they can force their unfortunate offspring into being in a band called Revenge Of The Spice Girls.

Anyway. The snubs (a great name for a band that). Preggo Mel B has folded her arms and loudly given Victoria Beckham the silent treatment in a Twitter message.

Mel B announced her pregnancy to the world earlier this week, reminding everyone that she once had it off with Eddie Murphy in what must have been the ugliest sex ever. This baby doesn’t belong to Murphy, but rather, some dude called Stephen Belafonte who we couldn’t care less about.

And so, Peach Mel B promptly went about thanking everyone that isn’t Posh Spice for their words of encouragement about the fact her womb works.

‘Ahh big thanks to my spice girls mel c, geri and emma for all the baby well wishes! Love you! Xxxxx’

Speaking to Hello!, the former leopard print fan said:

‘We’re really excited. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four years to have a baby if we weren’t really excited about it and ready for it, even though you can never really be truly ready’

She then stabbed a crude wax figurine of Victoria Beckham directly through the heart with a hot cleaver.

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First the good news: it seems likely that the Batman 3 casting rumours can end now. Are you ready for the bad news?

The bad news is that Batman 3 director Christopher Nolan appears to have banged his head quite hard on a doorframe and is badly concussed. We’ve deduced this thanks to reports that Nolan has signed Eddie Murphy to play The Riddler in Batman 3. Eddie bloody Murphy.

But it’s not all bad, because it’s not as if he’s also signed Shia LaBeouf to play Robin in Batman 3 as well, is it? It is? Christopher Nolan, you great big sod, what have you done?

Casting Batman 3 was always going to pose a problem for Christopher Nolan. The Dark Knight was such a massive success that the logical thing to do would be to bring back the same villains for the sequel. The problem with that plan, though, is that one of the baddies died onscreen and the other one died in real life.

So all Christopher Nolan had to start Batman 3 with was Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and a man with a stupid voice being chased by some dogs like a great big morally-ambiguous sausage. And that’s how the great Batman 3 casting rumours started. Several names were all thrown into the pot, but none of them stuck. Here’s why:

Angelina Jolie as Catwoman – Would have contractually requested a sequence where Batman goes to Darfur and weeps for 30 minutes.

Johnny Depp as The Riddler – Will Batman 3 be a) directed by Tim Burton or b) an impenetrable kid’s film? No? Well there’s your answer.

Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin – Philip Seymour Hoffman in a popular film? Whatever next?

Cher as Catwoman – Not even Christopher Nolan wants audiences to leave the cinema covered in vomit and eye-blood because they’ve seen Cher’s latex-covered vulva in close-up on an Imax screen.

Actually, the real reason none of the above were cast for Batman 3 is simple – it’s because Christopher Nolan had a secret wishlist that was far, far shittier. How shit? Shia LaBeouf shit. Eddie Murphy shit. The Sun reports:

Funnyman Eddie Murphy will play The Riddler in the next Batman movie, The Sun can reveal. The Beverly Hills Cop star, 47, has been signed up by British director Christopher Nolan. Execs have also signed up rising Transformers star Shia LaBeouf, 22, to play Robin. Meanwhile, Brit Rachel Weisz is said to be up for the Catwoman role.

Now, OK, we can see Rachel Weisz as Catwoman in Batman 3, because she’s very clearly lovely. But didn’t Christian Bale say that he’d be ‘chaining himself up and refusing to work‘ if Robin appeared in the sequel to The Dark Knight? And Eddie Murphy? Eddie Murphy? Eddie titting Murphy?

Obviously The Sun‘s report should be taken with a pinch of salt at the moment, partly because nothing has been officially confirmed and partly because Eddie Murphy was referred to with the prefix ‘funnyman’ as opposed to the technically more accurate ‘woefully unfunny dickmunch’. But still, what if the rumours are true?

If Eddie Murphy really is going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, then we’ve whittled down the movie’s storyline to three possible options:

1 – Batman 3 won’t just feature The Riddler played by Eddie Murphy, but also The Riddler’s mother, father, obese girlfriend and racist stereotypical Chinaman neighbour, all also played by Eddie Murphy.

2 - Batman 3 will be about Batman chasing The Riddler to take a DNA test because he knocked up a Spice Girl and denied the baby was his. The movie ends with Batman catching The Riddler in a honeytrap sting involve a transvestite prostitute.

3 - In Batman 3 everyone sits around puzzled by the fact that they’ve actually become slightly nostalgic for Jim Carrey, something none of them thought they would ever do.

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Beverly Hills Cop 3 left all manner of questions unanswered – ranging from “A big wheel? Huh?” to “Deary piss, why hasn’t this film ended yet?”

So praise be that Eddie Murphy has finally decided to go and make the long-anticipated but massively unwanted Beverly Hills Cop 4. We haven’t been this excited by anything Eddie Murphy’s done since every single lunatic decision about his personal life that he’s made in the last decade.

However, it’s been 14 years since the last Beverly Hills Cop movie was released, so Beverly Hills Cop 4 will need to reflect where Eddie Murphy’s career has taken him in the meantime. In short, all the characters in Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be played by Eddie Murphy and they’ll all wear female fat suits and the whole thing will be set inside Eddie Murphy’s head and there’ll be a talking raccoon in there somewhere as well. Oh, and it’ll be crap.

Now here’s a surprise – after Die Hard 4 and the last Rocky movie and the last Rambo movie and the new Indiana Jones movie all did rather well at the box office, every single washed-up actor on the face of the planet has hatched a plan to wheel out a semi-retired character of theirs for a career-revitalising sequel.

But while we’ll have to wait a little longer to see Tom Cruise in Cocktail 2: Yup, He’s Still A Dick and Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard 2: Maybe In Retrospect I Should Have Let That Annoying Whore Die, Eddie Murphy wants in right away, and he’s bringing Axel Foley with him.

Yes, 14 years after the last installment and 24 years after the original was released, Eddie Murphy and Paramount have decided to put Beverly Hills Cop 4 into production. But don’t worry if you have fears that Beverly Hills Cop 4 is going to shit all over your happy childhood memories of the original, because Paramount isn’t stupid. It’d never let a hack like, say, Brett Ratner take the reigns of such a cherished franchise. MSNBC reports:

Paramount Pictures has given the go-ahead for a fourth installment of its “Beverly Hills Cop” franchise, with Eddie Murphy on board to return to the role that launched his movie career, the studio said on Thursday. Brett Ratner, the filmmaker behind the similarly themed ”Rush Hour” movies starring Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, is in negotiations to direct the latest “Beverly Hills Cop” adventure, a Paramount spokesman said.

Oh. Balls. Still, at least this way there’s a chance that Eddie Murphy will have an insensitively stereotypical ethnic sidekick. That’s something, we suppose.

Anyway, it’s a brave move for Eddie Murphy to want to make a Beverly Hills Cop 4, because we were under the impression that he already rode the wheels of that particular franchise long ago.

When adjusted for inflation, the original Beverly Hills Cop stands as the 38th biggest movie in history, while Beverly Hills Cop 2 is the 151st biggest movie ever. And then there’s Beverly Hills Cop 3, which at the moment is somewhere around the 1,200th biggest mark. If this pattern continues, then Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be watched by a solitary pensioner who only wandered into the cinema to escape a thunderstorm and almost instantly decides to take his chances with the lightning and the skull-sized car-destroying hailstones instead.

Still, you can’t blame Eddie Murphy for wanting to hark back to a simpler, more successful time, before he decided to get caught up in various scandals involving transvestite prostitutes, pregnant Spice Girls and crazy two-week marriages that didn’t ever exist.

In that respect, Beverly Hills Cop 4 is a way for Eddie Murphy to reset the clock on the career. Which is great – because this means the next time he throws a shitty tantrum about not winning an Oscar, it’ll be like that magical first time all over again.

By getting married to Tracey Edmonds on New Year's Day, Eddie Murphy proved to the world that he was a responsible, mature adult and not the prize bell-end that everyone thought.

And now that the he's proved that to the world, Eddie Murphy's chucked her.

Yes, two whole weeks after getting married, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have split up. Eddie Murphy must be distraught – he didn't even get the chance to knock Tracey up, let alone angrily deny that he had anything to do with the pregnancy.

If you've ever seen Norbit, you might be under the impression that Eddie Murphy is not a funny man. But he is. Not in the traditional 'ha ha' sense, though – more in the sense that nothing he does has even the vaguest splinter of logic to it, especially the way he goes about his relationships.

By now you'll all have an almost PhD-level understanding of the relationship between Eddie Murphy and Mel B – that went through the traditional stages of meeting, tattooing, engagement, pregnancy, televised dumping and paternity denial, birth and embarrassing DNA test – and it's a relationship that Eddie Murphy clearly examined and identified several problems with.

And he decided to put them all right with Tracey Edmonds, the woman who Eddie Murphy started going out with before he'd properly split up with Mel B. "There'll be no phantom pregnancies with Tracey," Eddie vowed, "and I certainly won't split up with her just because the thought of being a father terrifies me."

No. Instead, Eddie Murphy split up with Tracey Edmonds because of her surname.

It's emerged that, exactly two weeks after Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds got married in French Polynesia, Eddie and Tracey decided to split up, even before they had the chance to make that marriage legally-binding. According to Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds, this is the reason for the split:

“After much consideration and discussion, we have jointly decided that we will forgo having a legal ceremony as it is not necessary to define our relationship further. While the recent symbolic union in Bora Bora was representative of our deep love, friendship and respect that we have for one another on a spiritual level, we have decided to remain friends.”

While, according to E! Online, this is the reason for the split:

“He was insisting she change her name. It was a huge issue. They were arguing about it before they left for the wedding… There was a knockdown, drag-out family fight two days ago.”

And, according to just about everyone with the most rudimentary knowledge of how these things work, this is the reason for the split:

"It's Eddie Murphy, for Christ's sake. Frankly it's a shock that Eddie didn't hold the wedding up mid-ceremony, split up with Tracey in front of the vicar and then dash over and get three or four bridesmaids pregnant while everyone watched."

So already 2008 looks like it'll be a lame-duck year for Eddie Murphy. January isn't even over yet and he's got a broken marriage behind him, plus he's still got all those child-support bills to pay. And to make matters worse, nobody knows if the Oscars will go ahead next month or not – which might mean that Eddie Murphy won't have anything to storm out of like a tit this year either.

Still, at least Starship Dave sounds hilarious.

Ahem.

Read more:

Why Eddie and Tracey Split So Fast – E! Online 

Remember a couple of days ago when Eddie Murphy got married to his girlfriend Tracey Edmonds in French Polynesia? Yeah, didn't happen.

Yes, we know it looked like it happened, and that everyone said it happened and there was a ceremony and everything, but it wasn't a wedding. Apparently Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds were just performing a 'spiritual binding' that wouldn't hold up in court if Eddie, say, knocked Tracey up, denied the baby was his and then dumped her on a European television programme, for example. However, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have announced that they do plan to have an official wedding ceremony just as soon as they return to America – which technically still leaves Eddie long enough to, say, do the knocking up/ denying/ dumping thing. If he wants to, that is.

Eddie Murphy is quite the fan of denying things – he's denied that Mel B's baby was his, he's denied that he left last year's Oscars in a huff when he didn't win and he's denied doing anything to that transvestite prostitute he was caught with in 1997 expect help the poor gender-confused whore out a little.

And now it's Eddie Murphy's turn to deny that he got married earlier this week. Although we reported Eddie Murphy's marriage to Tracey Edmonds on Wednesday, and people witnessed the wedding, and it was announced in a statement by Eddie Murphy, and official wedding photos were taken of Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds, apparently they didn't get married at all.

In fact, what happened was a 'spiritual binding' ceremony that has no legal purchase whatsoever because they'd been in French Polynesia for less than a month and they got married on a beach instead of in a building. But movie producer Tracey Edmonds knew all about this anyway, and she's going to marry Eddie Murphy properly when she gets home, as her slave explains:

"As is typical when couples get married in foreign countries, a legal ceremony will take place when they return to the U.S. The wedding that took place in Bora Bora was a ceremony to bind Eddie and Tracey spiritually in the presence of family and friends. The couple plan a legal ceremony as soon as they return to the States."

We wish we knew what a 'spiritual binding' actually involves, because it sounds really cool. We think it's either a ceremony where you get hair extensions made of ghosts, a public display of everlasting commitment or a sneaky way for Eddie Murphy to try and convince Tracey Edmonds that they're married even though it won't stand up in court at all if he ever decides to knock her up, dump her on TV, deny that he fathered the baby and move onto a brand new woman before he's even finished speaking.

Oh, we're kidding – let's hope that Eddie Murphy has learnt from his past indiscretions and never ever gets Tracey Edmonds pregnant. Because, let's face it, in the last year alone the two of them have been involved in the creative process of Norbit and Who's Your Caddy, and with genes like that no baby stands a chance, really.

Read more:

Eddie & Tracey to Hold Legal Wedding Ceremony in U.S. – People 

If Eddie Murphy ever proposed to you, chances are you'd either think "Not with your wayward reputation," or "Hang on, I'm a chap and we've never even met. How odd," but not Tracey Edmonds.

Eddie Murphy married his girlfriend Tracey Edmonds yesterday on a private island in French Polynesia, simultaneously putting all his past relationship woes behind him. And isn't getting married on New Year's Day the perfect way to start a year? It's like Eddie Murphy is looking Tracey Edmonds in the eye and telling her "This is how it'll be for us all year, or at least until I get you pregnant, deny getting you pregnant, leave you for another woman, repeatedly dodge your requests for a DNA test until I'm ordered to take one by a court and then do the voice of a funny donkey for a tired cartoon sequel to pay off all my child support bills. So about three weeks, then."

Women are desperately complicated creatures, so hats off to Eddie Murphy for figuring them out so flawlessly. If you want a woman to like you, Eddie Murphy has reasoned, you don't need to bother with flowers or chocolates or compliments or any of that crap – all you need is a willingness to get matching tattoos and sperm so potent that it dissolves metal.

It certainly worked for Eddie Murphy as far as Mel B was concerned, and the pair of them would have absolutely got married if Eddie hadn't blown it all by splitting up with her on Dutch TV and claiming that the baby wasn't his. We've heard that women view this kind of behaviour on the same kind of level as when you don't empty the kitchen bin for them, and as such Eddie Murphy and Mel B were over as soon as they began.

However, this left an opening for film producer Tracey Edmonds, who saw the way that Eddie Murphy knocked Mel B up, dumped her, tried wriggling out of taking a paternity test several times and eventually grudgingly admitted that he was the father of the baby and thought "I want a bit of that!" Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds got engaged and yesterday they got married – a turnaround so fast that Eddie didn't even have the chance to even slightly knock her up first, let alone get tattoos or accuse her of being a slag on European television. Reuters reports:

Comedian Eddie Murphy married film producer Tracey Edmonds on a private island in French Polynesia on Tuesday, People magazine reported. The sunset ceremony, attended by 25 guests, took place off Bora Bora, a Pacific island about 140 miles northwest of Tahiti, People said, citing the couple's representatives.

Of course, it'd be churlish of us not to wish Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds a long, happy, uncomplicated marriage. They're both grown-ups and know exactly what they're getting themselves into, and we don't don't doubt that they'll be completely perfect for one another for as many days as this marriage lasts. 

The only thing that does concern us, though, is that Tracey Edmonds might get herself involved in a horrible game of one-upmanship with Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte to see who's the most unsuitable film producer partner for their respective spouses. Because, you know, how do you top killing a duck with a brick?

Read more:

Eddie Murphy marries in French Polynesia: report - Reuters