One thing is that people will play anything: penguin launching, paper throwing, dog shuffling.

Another is that the games are generally tripe, only good for a few minutes before you move on.

One other thing is that sometimes you stumble on something that could be – should be – a full, retail release, but is instead free to play. This time it’s Naked War and even ignoring the fact that it’s free to play (you can pay if you want extra privileges) it still manages to be an absolutely stunning game.

Playing like an even more cartoony Advance Wars – one of the finest series on the Game Boy Advance/DS – this is a play-by-email strategy game that will eat up more of your time than you care to imagine. Thing is though, as it’s email-based you don’t have to commit to one session in one sitting – it can be stretched over a period of days or weeks, even months.

There isn’t much room to go on here, but we couldn’t recommend Naked War enough – go and sign up, download the client then accept your challenge from one of the game’s creators. Oh, and prepare to get battered by them. It is a bit unfair, but you can go on to play other people who aren’t as good.

Get It Here:

Naked War

So what happens when you combine the two? TUMIKI Fighters, that’s what.

You shoot things, they die, you try and catch destroyed enemies as they plummet off the screen, you get bigger, it’s fun. That’s about all the explanation we can offer, so instead – as a special treat – here’s a video of it with some excellent music:

Get It Here:

TUMIKI Fighters

So here it is:

Just play it.

Download-o Here:

Charles Barkley: Shut Up And Jam Gaiden

It’s just a shame that you’d probably end up getting shot and killed. But wait! For you – yes you – can still be a bodyguard without having to put your actual, real life on the line! Plus you won’t have to get embarrassed should you decide to do a runner instead of looking after your VIP.

How? By playing Black Shades, the bodyguard game.

You are a bodyguard and you have to protect your VIP, playing about in an infinitely generated city full of blocky little people, half of which seemingly want to shoot the man in white you’re looking after. Kill them, disarm them, knock your VIP out of the way – you decide how to deal with the attacker.

It looks shonky but it still plays really well, and is oddly compulsive – as with a lot of freebies. It is a download, mind, and not a browser-based timewaster, but it’s well worth the 1MB file size.

Download Black Shades Here:

Black Shades

It means they can remember… things… about stuff. And not… forget them.

Anyway – Basho Kioku is a simple memory game that is sure to test your ability to the fullest. Simply click on a square – that’s a level done. Repeat until the end. That’s it. Oh, but if you happen to click on a square you’ve already tagged before then you lose a life.

It starts out simple but soon gets that grey matter working, we can tell you that for a fact. It also manages to be as captivating as it is frustrating, so try not to play it for too long when you should be working. ‘Just one more go’ syndrome has been known to kick in often with Basho Kioku.

Play It Here:

Basho Kioku

As was Dune – well, the game at least. Well, Dune II at any rate. Basically, things with giant subterranean worms in them are great, though usually because you get to see Kevin Bacon stoving their heads in over a couple of hours.

But what would it be like to actually be one of these underground annelids? Death Worm aims to answer that question, along with ones like ‘how many camels could I eat in one jump if I were one of these worms?’ and ‘how much forward momentum is necessary to eat that stupid bird flying around up there?’ or the ever-popular ‘could I really take down that helicopter?’

Yes, you get to be a giant worm. You get to scramble around underground and fly out of the surface, eating those overland-dwelling scummers that we all hate so much. Do enough damage, armed enemies come along. Survive, eat, throw yourself in the air using your momentum – it’s all fantastic fun and well worth wasting some time on.

The game can be played online or can be downloaded to play it later if you like.

Play Death Worm Here:
Death Worm

Not that hecklerspray has an actual age, of course – we are but a huge hive-mind entity made of pure carbon and powered entirely on bicep juice. But still – you mortals know what we mean.

One of these talented young chaps, known around the world of gaming as ‘Yahtzee’ is one Ben Croshaw; creator of the frankly hilarious Zero Punctuation video game reviews and part-time game-maker. The first of the fruits of his labour was 5 Days a Stranger, a horror adventure game starring what became Croshaw’s trademark character, ‘Trilby’.

For a free game that clocks in a fairly short amount of playing time, you still feel satisfied with what’s on offer. Cleverly written, witty, logical and with just enough challenge to keep you playing, 5DaS is a fantastic example of free, independently-developed games at their best.

And he’s made a series out of them, so there are more games to download once you’ve finished this one. Which is nice.

Go and Check Yahtzee’s Stuff Out:
5 Days a Stranger

Zero Punctuation

The post rock outfit are one of the best in the genre, after Godspeed You! Black Emperor pretty much created the genre and Explosions In The Sky and Sigur Ros brought it to the masses.  

People sometimes call Mogwai moody and depressing, but anyone who presses up a line of t-shirts saying 'Blur: are shite' are winners in our eyes. This free track, The Sun Smells Too Loud is taken from their new album The Hawk Is Howling and won’t hit the shelves until September 22. So use this song as a sampler for an album which will more than likely be another success.  

Download The Sun Smells Too Loud here

Just like The Rolling Stones, Kiss are one of those bands who seem to have been around for ever and won’t disappear. Their records are slowly becoming heirloom for millions of families around the world as this dinosaur band’s early recordings are passed down from grandmother to great granddaughter.

In the very beginning of Kiss’s existence, technology wasn’t much of a thing. The wheel had just been discovered and recording techniques were slowly being developed. Fast-forward a few million years and crazy Gene Simmons faces a problem for his band of nutty rockers. Blasted technology has bypassed the band and made it easy for followers of the archaic group to get a Kiss song for free.

This has angered chief Kiss man Gene Simmons wants to club anyone who has down this and stopped him from receiving his royalty payments of two sticks to rub together to generate heat for his homely cave.

Recently, Kiss decided to go and play a handful of groovy numbers to the future generation of our country at Download Festival. Every time we see the band play live, we have to try hard not to spit out our lemonade as we chuckle at the sight of them. They are so wacky and crazy that they play all their pop hits dressed up in face paint!

We thought that after their set, the band would be in high spirits after entertaining the crowd and not being booed like Kanye West. But something must have angered Gene Simmons. Maybe he got delivered PG Tips instead of Tetley tea, we don’t know, but during a press conference he took a furious swipe at the fans. It wasn’t because they weren’t wearing the bands trademark ridiculous makeup. Gene was foaming about how listeners got hold of the bands music. And he’s probably referring to you:

“They’ve decided to download and file-share. There is no record industry around so we’re going to wait until everybody settles down and becomes civilised. As soon as the record industry pops its head up we’ll record new material.”

So that’s it everyone. Unless you cough up some cash for that rare song that was only available on a limited North Korean 12” EP, Kiss won’t be releasing anymore songs. How does that make you feel? You should feel bad, because Gene feels:

“The industry is dead.”

We can honestly say we’ve never listened to any ropey Kiss songs. But we still feel bad that the band are being ripped off. They surely deserve a nice retirement home with a DVD player, widescreen TV and an endless supply of makeup to paint themselves with. Just so they can relive the “old days”.

Give us a few days and we’ll set up a Paypal account where you can donate anonymously to the band. We promise not to pass on your details to angry rockstars who may come and beat you round the head.

Read More In The NME Article Entitled “Download Headliners Kiss: ‘Fans Have Killed The Record Industry’”

Warning Forever is another download-and-install jobby for you technophobes to be afraid of, but it’s yet another one in the list of ‘jesus H everything this is bloody brilliant’. One of the most addictive experiences you’re ever likely to encounter, this is pure, all-out scorewhore fun.

But how to describe the game? Detail? Subtle intonations covering the many facets of the design? Nah, we’ll just let the game’s creator speak for himself:

“A shooting game with vertical scroll. In this game there are only you and the boss ship. The more you beat a boss, the more next boss becomes strong. You have 180 seconds in first time, and it decreases. Time will increase, if a boss is beaten, and if you die, it will more decrease. Beat more bosses, before time is lost.”

Now, not to sound like a patronising twathole – but isn’t that the cutest description you’ve ever read? And it should make you immediately visit the site, download the game and get hopelessly, thoroughly, completely and totally addicted.

There are hidden depths to the game too, with secret powers sitting alongside special methods to play through more successfully – note: not methods to help you finish the game, as you can’t actually do that. It just goes on, and on, and on. But that’s one of the things that makes it so great – it’s a pure gamer’s game, one that forces you to challenge and better yourself constantly. It’s just… great.

Let’s not forget that it looks bloody lovely too.

Free games are awesome, and not just limited to flash-based boredom-busters. Don’t forget that when I’m dead* and gone.

*Not dead, just gone.

GET WARNING FOREVER HERE

The world of free games just welcomed a new son into its midst, one full of psychics, violence, a crap story and some of the best pure fun you can have in a game – Psi Ops is being given away for free. This, friends, is a wonderful thing.

The game only came out a few years ago, so as well as a fairly hefty download size, you’re also looking at system requirements that not everyone can hack – though if you bought your PC within the last Ice Age you should be fine to set off on your merry Mindgate Conspiracy way.

There’s a story behind the game, but it’s sub-80s action flick shit. There’s a game to follow, but it’s pretty basic. The meat comes in the shape of the psychic powers that let you pick things up and throw them around, with your brain. A fire extinguisher? Done. A barrel? Done. A man? Done. Throw shit everywhere, use paving slabs to air-surf, throw people at walls for a laugh – this game covers all your most devilish ‘I wish I had psychic powers’ fantasies.

Did we mention you can blow heads up too? With the power of your mind? No? Oh. Well you can. And if you don’t laugh at that then you’re an idiot.

For what it was at the time, Psi Ops was worth picking up on the cheap for some decent laughs. When it gets released for free (even if it is ‘ad supported’) it’s near-essential. A fantastic game to unwind to, infinitely cathartic and criminally overlooked back in the day.

Point your web navigation mega-systems here.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

As the sun sneaks out from behind one of his many clouds, the hot weather looks like it may arrive for one of the festivals that kick starts them all. Download is the chance for 75,000 people to gather together and rock out to leather clad men drenched in tattoos and piercings. Sounds like a bit ropey if you ask us.

Download festival means one thing: it’s the only weekend of the year when parents of angry teenagers can drop off their sprogs so they can all share a common love of hating the world together. Of course it may mean forking out over £300 for little Jimmy’s ticket, food supplies, tent, waterproof clothing and suncream but it means mum and dad can have Saturday and Sunday free of Norwegian mega death metal.

For the kids, it will be an opportunity to meet fellow angst ridden emo lovers. This gives the ideal opportunity for everyone to compare their generic star tattoos, lip piercings and why My Chemical Romance means so much to them.

Because the festival attracts a younger audience, expect a quick queue at the bar. Hopefully the Download staff will stick to alcohol laws and won’t serve beer to sixteen year old children. Though we’re sure that some young rascals will get their mucky paws on a few pints of cider and vomit up their £6 gravy and chips.

The Mr Whippy van will have to call in extra supplies of cotton candy to cope with the demand as children look for a sugary high as opposed to the one they’d get when they’d smoke cannabis cut with Oxo cubes.

Think of this festival as a massive childminding event where the entertainment isn’t a Punch and Judy show, but the screaming’s of some pissed up rock band. You’ll be lucky to see a synthesiser. Held over three says, Download offers the best new rock talent and aging crippled artists who won’t go away.

Friday – Go go go!

Kiss – You know that porn film which had Gene Simmons in it? Well boys and girls, this is what he does as a ‘proper’ job. No, he doesn’t paint faces for a living! He rocks out, probably with his cock out.

Rolo Tomassi – We love these young guns from Sheffield. They will surprise you with how loud and crazy they can be.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Motörhead - They have one song that everyone knows and that’s about it. They’ll only play it at the end of the set to make you wait.

Kid Rock – He’s an American Badass apparently. But we think of him as just an arsehole. Once upon a time he married Pamela Anderson. Go ask him about it, he probably tell you all about it.

Saturday – Go go go!

Ash – They may be cracking at the seams, but they’re always up for a song and a dance. Something which comes with bucket loads of sweat.

Biffy Clyro – Scottish rockers who don’t fall into the trap of being the same thrash metal track thirty-two times over. Ask nicely, and they may sing their version of Rhinna’s umbrella song.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pendulum – For fuck’s sake, are they booked to play at every festival this year? Just like 50 Cent playing Leeds in 2004, Pendulum are Download’s random booking.

The Offspring – Apparently we we’re wrong to label them one hit wonders. After Pretty Fly [For a White Guy] they’ve had more hits. How are they headlining?

Sunday – Go go go!

Lethal Bizzle – The guy’s amazing. His crossover blend of rock/hip-hop/electronica should appear to all. Even My Chemical Romance fans might crack a smile.

Exit Ten – One album done and many more to follow. A band to say you saw before they made it big and sold their souls to Simon Cowell.

Sunday – Avoid The Plague:

Fightstar – Get ready to piss in a bottle and launch it at Charley. The former Busted goon doesn’t really seem to fit in.

Jimmy Eat World – We don’t get them or understand their popularity.

Battle for Wesnoth is a totally free, open source (meaning you can get the code for it and modify it yourself, if you have the time, patience and know-how. In other words: you can’t) and feels very professionally made, even with its freebie status. Certainly something of a rarity in the world of gratis games.

The game plays like – for anyone familiar with it – Fire Emblem, a highly regarded and thoroughly excellent strategy game available on all sorts of Nintendo consoles. They’ve yet to bring the version out on Wii where even your granny can play it though, so it hasn’t exactly achieved the mass market penetration the company has been hoping for.

It’s the usual fantasy setting you should expect from many games of this ilk, but for the love of everything don’t let this put you off. Snobbery will rob you of a fine experience and one that shows the indies can do things just as well as the big guns.

For those that don’t know, the game basically involves you taking turns to move about and fight. It’s like chess, but with more variables and less Gary Kasparov.

Yes, so it is another one you can’t waste time on over your lunch hour, but it’ll exercise your bloody brain cells and last more than fifteen minutes before you get bored of launching penguins into the sun. So stop whining, download it and play it. For a thoroughly free experience it really is very well made, and it’s updated regularly to kill off any annoying bugs that may plague the thing.

Just don’t come running to us if you do happen to get hopelessly, completely and totally addicted to Wesnoth. It’s good enough to become an obsession, that’s for certain. And did we mention it’s free?

Get it here.

Don’t worry, the flash crap will come back when I’m not in charge anymore. Philistines.

So, you’ll need to actually download something (a fair bit, actually), install it and spend more than four minutes playing it, but… well… it’s Command and Conquer, for free, so shut up.

The original from the multi-million selling series, released about a billion years ago and home to some wonderful video of hammy acting (hence the large file size), Command and Conquer essentially made real-time strategy games what they are today.

It wasn’t the first and it isn’t the best, but it’s damn good fun and how many times does EA give away their classic titles for free? Increasingly often, you say? Well, yes. But still.

You take control of the do-gooders at GDI with their overpowering might or the sly baddies of NOD with their weaker, stealthier units. It’s a simple balance but it works.

Numerous units are available – tanks, men with guns, men with bigger guns, bigger tanks, flying things, huge lasers from the sky, nukes and so on and so forth. You use these weapons to blow ten shades of crap out of your opponent in increasingly difficult levels. And that’s it in a nutshell, really.

The main attraction of the game though (well, aside from the game), is the wonderful full motion video (FMV) sequences between missions, when non-actors take centre stage and inform you of your progress, or how they hate the evil-doers, or how they’re going to blow up the Pentagon to show them there goodies a thing or two about international terrorism.

It’s a nice reminder of a pre-9/11 time when things could be made involving terrorism and didn’t have to include endless moralising, or some self-satisfied Hollywood prick masturbating their holider than thou stance into our faces. The bastards.

And Joe Kucan is excellent as Kane, leader of NOD.

Get it here

Sigur Ros creates some of the most amazing music known to man/woman/child/budgie. The epic vocals of singer Jonsi are totally unique and nothing like we’ve heard before. Combined with gorgeous fragile music that has the power to stop you in your tracks, the band is nothing short of amazing. Icelandic may not be the first language of everyone, but this does not matter at all – the songs sound better then they ever would do then if Chas & Dave were to give them the old cockney treatment.

Gobbledigook is taken from the bands fifth album Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust (With a buzz in our ears we play endlessly). The new record is set for release at the end of June and we can’t wait. If it’s anything like this song, it won’t disappoint. Oh, that buzz in your ears may be tinnitus. Best get it checked out.

Download Gobbledigook by Sigur Ros here