Azealia Banks is attractive, ballsy and is responsible for some outrageously fun tunes. 212 was a thrilling slice of pop which had one of the filthiest refrains in memory. And now, a new track is online (which you can hear below) which samples Aaliyah!

And so, talented newbie samples RnB legend? What could possibly go wrong?

Well, once you’ve heard it, you might be tempted to think ‘everything’. See, Azealia Banks has gone and made something really very boring indeed. Is she a case of all hype and no knickers? We should lower our hopes.

Banks’ new track is called ‘NEEDSUMLUV’. She posted it on her tumblr because she’s all modern and that.

The track samples Aaliyah’s ’96 single ‘One In A Million’, and is sure to get buried under sycophantic praise from all corners… that’s because the music rags are too scared to miss out on potentially the Next Big Thing and certainly don’t want to fall out with anyone on the rise, in case they hold a grudge and withhold all future complimentary tickets and freebie records.

‘NEEDSUMLUV’ is probably going to end up on her forthcoming debut album, which doesn’t have a name yet.

We’re not saying that it’s going to be lousy, but if NEEDSUMLUV features on it, then you can mark it under ‘filler’.

Can we have more in the seam of 212 or L8R please?

Ta.

Anyway, have a listen to the new track now and tell us how grotesquely off the mark we are about it.
NEEDSUMLUV (SXLND) by Azealia Banks

OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.

You won’t.

Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.

None of that matters though because there’s always something better than a list and in this case adverts are willing to take on the role of your conscience and the New Year ad schedule is packed with sanctimonious bullshit designed to get you out there into the world looking svelte and feeling amazing thanks to some pro-biotic yogurt.

That’s the thing about adverts, isn’t it? They play up to an accepted norm about the society that you live in. Take the hideous Morrisons advert in which two middle-aged children discuss the recession and the need for people to ‘tighten their belts’ in January. You think this is fine because they’re Northern but they’re actually creating a sickening dystopian vision of a world where children are no longer free to be children and have to think about food vouchers and Freddie Flintoff’s bath of gold doubloons. Of course, Morrisons are trying to add an innocent expression onto something that responsible adults seem to talk about all the time whereas some ad campaigns are just cynical.

Take a moment, shut your eyes and imagine a meeting room where six people are sitting. None of them are wearing suits or any kind of formal business attire and one is wearing a pair of tattered brogues with no socks. One man fiddles nervously with his spectacles as he examines the stoney faces around the room. They’ve been given the ultimate contract; a weight loss brand that needs a change of direction.

One woman in the group suddenly rolls back in her ergonomic back-supporting office chair and makes a loud exclamation of joy. “I’ve got it,” she shouts, “why don’t we show overweight people that if they follow the Weight Watchers plan, it’ll make them thin?!”

There is a stunned silence in the meeting room and the glass walls begin to de-mist as their collective breath is held. Everyone looks to the man wearing a rugby shirt at the head of the table. He nods sagely and the room erupts in applause. The creatives have done it again! Fat people can be thin and they will show them the light!

“Wait though!” Cries the man with no socks. “How can we convince our target audience of saturated fatties that they want to be thin and beautiful?” The room falls silent again: all that can be heard is the nervous tapping of pens on the table.

“What about writing a song and getting a pop star to sing it?” The quietest woman suggests. “We could make the lyrics really motivational so that they really speak to our target market?”

There is some muted discussion in the room. It’s too quiet for us to hear but we all know that they’re discussing who to have sing it. Rik Waller and Michelle MacManus are busy making babies and Craig Colton from last year’s X Factor is far too shit. They need someone that people can aspire to be like. Someone sassy and respectable that will quite literally sell their soul for money.

If only there was someone that fitted the bill. They have a long conversation and seem to come up with nothing. They’re standing up to leave, presumably off to think about it over some champagne and oysters when a Britain’s Got Talent judge walks into their office, looking for scraps.

“Hark!” They cry in unison as this fictional account becomes alarmingly Dickensian. They’ve found their woman. A sassy, respectable woman with a big, idiotic face who would quite literally sell her soul for money. They don’t even need to negotiate with her. Alesha’s shaking hands with them all before they even name a figure. Her only stipulation is that she doesn’t have to touch any of the fatties and that she doesn’t have to rap. She’s moving in a new direction.

Now you know how the Play Weight Watchers campaign came into being, aren’t you a little more open to its message and its 3 minutes and 14 seconds of bad miming, worse dancing and sanctimonious ‘body positive’ thrust? Doesn’t the sight of these people who, you’ve got to hand it to them, look great inspire you to go out there and go to meetings, living by a strict ‘point controlled’ system which requires you to lose weight by emptying your wallet?

Or does it still make you want to tear your own eyes out and stuff them into your ears so that you don’t have to see or hear this abomination ever again? What’s it going to be, fatso?

People dying is a terrible thing, it’s almost as bad as when annoying songs get stuck in your head, but what’s even worse and more inconceivable than either of those things is when you have fake songs about dead people stuck in your head.

Readers of the ‘Spray, tonight we are disgraced to tell you that we find ourselves in this very situation.  Currently we are dancing round the bedsit singing “Ga-da-fi is d-ead,” to the theme of the Conga, any second now the crew from Insidious 2 will be round to start filming.

One day no new music videos will have been posted on all the pretentious sites, and NME Video, that we patrol to inform you what the beautiful people are doing and you’ll just be left utterly heart-broken and convulsing on the floor while singing the jingle from the Match.com advert, because let’s face it you go there every night like the filthy love-hound you are.  Until this day comes though we can this week offer you some of the finest dirge on the web and Rihanna, who is so non-dirge that she forgave Chris Brown—according to our sources; the Metro.

We’re going to request you watch the video for ‘We Found Love Now’; it’s the one that got all the Irish farmers up in arms.

Now can we just take five minutes please to think about the spoken word opening please? Now an argument I’m sure you’ve all had many times is about the cultural significance of All Saints and all we’re saying is ‘Never Ever’ again will you be losing this debate.  It was actually a slight disappointment that the intro didn’t morph into this slow burning classic, but you know, when lightning strikes in your bedroom what else are you going to do other than call Calvin Harris in? Exactly.

Rihanna just loves raucously rubbing herself against walls and clearly the world is all for that, but once again she’s at the forefront of controversy here at hecklerspray with this illicit piece of propaganda.  The woman condones mind altering substances, home tattooing, sex, violence, sexual violence, theft, and fruit machines, her life insurance must be a nightmare.

RiRi (kill us now) is an Irish fashionista here with her bowler-hatted above average looking bruiser of a boyfriend constantly blowing smoke in her face, it’s no wonder she wants to escape the depravity of the non-lucky Irish for a nice corn field.  We’re with you all the way girl.

It can only really go downhill from here on out, so famous people is where we’ll take it next, and the word famous here is used loosely to mean people you should have heard of if you want us to like you even a little bit.  We Are Augustines are a band on tour with a boring indie band that don’t deserve a mention, in fact We Are Augustines with their trilbys and denim shirts and clear unadulterated love for Bruce Springsteen barely deserve a mention, but then they did make a music video with Brady Corbet and we like him, he has heart.

The song is called ‘Book of James’ which recalls the King James Bible to our educated minds, but in fact we have no idea what’s happening so let’s pretend we’re right and then you all win too, yeah? Great. Brady, yes, Brady Corbet he’s the guy from the classic indie films Mysterious Skin and Funny Games, but while everyone else got careers, he got this, poor soul probably says he’s ‘friends with the band’. Here he looks exactly like the cold blooded murders from Funny Games, though slightly less sycophantic, and with added drugs and sleep deprivation, so it’s all fairly horrible when he wakes up on a train with a man resembling a droopy faced Brad Pitt singing and staring at him.

Here is the space where we would be telling you all about the new music video, sorry- short film, by Coldplay for their song, sorry- symphony, ‘Paradise’ but within the first 30 seconds or so it featured a swinging ape and after the whole Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes thing destroyed our life we decided it was time to quit.  You can watch it yourself though and let us know how disgustingly amazing it gets in four minutes.

By this point in your life you’ve probably resigned yourself to the fact that Canada has nothing to offer you apart from ice hockey, safety, and an easy joke, but you’re wrong and Canadian group Stars have been quietly proving that for nearly a decade, but their newest album is breaking these international stereotypes, erm, internationally.  If you take their newest song and video literally then ‘Dead Hearts’ is about dead children and even if it’s not the notion is so charming it doesn’t matter anymore Canada is good again!  The video isn’t spectacular, though artistically it’s a classy beast; it simply sees hearts forming out of any and every material, before brutally being wiped away or ‘dying’.  These Canadians are a cold people, but they sure do write lovely pop songs.

When E4 had eventually grown tired of showing endless repeats of Friends and Scrubs, the channel eventually spat out its own unique programming, aimed at the sort of person that hecklerspray writers aren’t; the young, the cool, the hip and the trendy. Arseholes, basically.

On one end of the spectrum, there was Skins, a programme which captured everyone’s dream college lifestyle, in a show which frequently used drugs, booze and sex, but portrayed them in the most extreme way to great effect.

Skins was escapism for most whilst The Inbetweeners offered a firmer dose of reality, especially for hormonal teenage boys. These are the sort of people who couldn’t quite make that move from fingering a girl to using an empty packet of Space Raiders as a makeshift condom when that first awkward sexual experience arrived.

The show has, like many of its Channel 4 predecessors, made the leap from small screen to the cinema, or a dodgy DVD off someone in the pub. The Inbetweeners Movie has broken UK box office records, even though it feels like a watered down version of the TV series.

We don’t have a total feeling of hate towards The Inbetweeners. If anything we truly admire something that was able to last an impressive three series, despite having the same jokes more or less each week. Whether they’d be about Will’s mum, mocking Jay’s supposed conquests, alternative words for the female lady garden or generally being rejected by women when a vague opportunity arose.

After series three finished, it almost seemed like the natural place to finish. For once, a TV show wasn’t going to finish with flashbacks, somebody waking up in the shower or a gathering of ninjas bursting into kill everyone. Instead, the main characters went on a camping trip following on from taking their A-Levels. As per real life, this is the time that most people take their first independent holiday abroad and this is where The Inbetweeners film takes us.

In a nutshell, the film goes along these lines of all four characters going to Magaluf one of them keeps on seeing an old flame, four new women enter the scene, they all fall in love and make a mess of it, all before patching things up at the end. Suffice to say, it’s a run of the mill plot which could be applied to any situation in life, such as moving to a new city or starting a job, all be it with minor script changes.

Sitcoms like The Inbetweeners always do well as people incessantly latch onto and copy the catchphrases. These are the same people who delight in posting the term “lol” on your Facebook status. Choice highlights from the TV show include “bus wanker”, “clunge” and mocking anyone who says the word “friend” in a tone similar to someone who’s just experienced a stroke.

In this movie however, there doesn’t seem to be any memorable moments that stick in the memory once you’ve left the cinema. Of course there are moments of humour but based around a lad’s holiday abroad, most people have been there and done it, making the viewing experience nothing out of the ordinary. Erratic drunken behaviour and unexpected surprises? Not particularly groundbreaking or imaginative.

But the people of Britain have flocked to the flicks, catapulting it in to the record books for a UK comedy. Whilst the movie industry will be celebrating high visitor numbers, we’re sure that pissed off cinema staff won’t be happy when they have to clean up spilt drinks and thrown snacks after pack screenings finish. Unless you’re a cinema buff, you probably won’t know this little snippet:

“Between Wednesday and Sunday The Inbetweeners Movie took £13.2m, putting it comfortably on top of the UK and Ireland box office chart. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason held the previous record for highest opening by a UK comedy. According to the producers of The Inbetweeners Movie, that film took £10.4m in its first weekend in 2004.”

If movies based on real life experiences are going down a treat at the box office, then we’ll be working on a script over the next few months in which three people have an awkward conversation in a launderette. Eventually, one of them will realise that they’ve mixed their colours with their whites… with hilarious consequences.

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Is there any more fun to be drawn from rap/rock? Judging by Hyro Da Hero, the answer is “Fun, yes. Essential music, perhaps not.” This is the straighter end of alt/noise rock (think a less experimental At the Drive-In) with rapping over the top rather that the normal approach of recreating hip-hop’s bounce and swing with live instruments.

A welcome change on a rainy morning after all the white men shouting, but ultimately inconsequential.

Norway’s Kvelertak describe themselves as Black n’ Roll, and it’s a good a label as any. Rock n’ Roll with metal vocals. Like a less-pantomime Turbonegro, they sound like Satan’s favourite blues band. Another feather in Scandinavia’s already feather-stuffed cap.

We stick around for Gwar as it would foolish not to. We hope we can be forgiven for not paying too much attention to the thrash/hardcore music they were making. This was the first time we’ve seen them so we were too busy enjoying the violence and blood-letting on stage. People were stabbed, monsters disembowelled and the Queen had her breasts cut off.

A memorable afternoon’s entertainment.

It’s easy to see why Frank Turner is such a divisive figure. He lacks any of the detached cool of more traditional alternative icons and his lyrics are so humble and earnest he makes Kermit the Frog sound like the Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

What is less obvious is why metallers ‘get’ him, but get them they do. Maybe it’s the lack of cynicism with which they approach their music? Either way, if you’re prepared to experience sentiment and an anger sprinkled with optimism then there’s enjoyment of a very affecting sort to be had from Frank live.

Songs from the new album England Keep My Bones sound promising after his last album’s disappointing lack of hooks, and Photosynthesis with its rousing choruses is a fine way to end the weekend.

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Why are metal bands of such a high quality when playing live? We’ve lost count of the mind-numbing quantity of indie bands we’ve seen over the years that sounded passable on record but dreary once they sheepishly shuffle onto a stage.

Benji Webb knows how to work a crowd and Skindred are an amazing vehicle for his talent. The self-styled ‘ragga-metal’ [Jesus fucking Christ, really? - Ed.] band understand completely the musical forms with which they are playing.

Webb’s versatile vocals (roots crooning, rapping, metal roaring) allow the songs to change tempo all over the place so they are free to drop drum and bass rhythms without it sounding in the least bit contrived. Extra bonus points for getting a metal crowd doing the robot.

We love listening to Clutch records. Neil Fallon’s backwoods bark and those tight rhythms just fit together like simultaneous roars from the same beast. But as soon as we turn the album off we can never remember a single song. That super-cool sound just turns to smoke. They make a far greater impression here though with a set as convincing as it is too short.

Down pull a surprisingly unresponsive crowd. Maybe they’re offended by the band playing the riff from Walk by Pantera but not seeing it through. Phil Anselmo seems to be having a ball. Not that he has ever been in shortage of balls. His masculinity intimidates us.

Avenged Sevenfold are just too much for us. The rest of the crowd clearly think they’re nothing short of triumphant, and there’s passion at work, but their brand of operatic bombast just seems silly to us and the pyrotechnics too affected.

Much has been made of the importance of System of a Down’s current tour. The word is that it’s make or break, and all eyes are on them for any indication. It’s like watching a Dickensian rock opera with two Fagins (one of whom, guitarist/singer Daron Malakian, is absolutely mesmerising).

Intense as they are fascinating to watch, they are still utterly unique. No-one else does anything approaching this. Radio/Video may be the one that rocks the most but Lost in Hollywood is the highlight and, alongside Tool’s Aenema, the best ever poison-pen letter to LA.

Part three of this review comes tomorrow. You must be wetting yourself in anticipation.

“Oh, goody, a festival review! I was there! I can’t wait to see whether this review entirely shares my opinions, or whether it has its own mind. Tell us what you think?”

Thanks for asking! There’s an inclusivity to heavy metal that makes spending time with fans of it a total joy. They don’t sneer at how you’re dressed, and their music exists in a vacuum. Metal has had varying popularity in different forms but it hasn’t been ‘cool’ since Nirvana were knocking around.

Free of the need to conform to notions of cool, they are also free to concentrate on rocking. Kurt Cobain was consumed with an exaggerated attention to the subtle cultural and intellectual differences that separated his band from the ‘corporate’ rock that it (temporarily) replaced. And look how that ended. Heroin addiction, history of depression, and permanent physical pain aside, we always got the impression that Kurt killed himself because he couldn’t live in a world where Nevermind outsold Doolittle. The fact that it was outselling Dangerous meant the poor beautiful bugger didn’t stand a chance. What we’re trying to say is that Kurt missed the point. By a massive distance. You know the distance between the interesting idea of Lady Gaga and the piss-poor reality of her actual music. About that far.

“er, hecklerspray, you’re doing that thing again where you would rather detail the history of popular music than actually review anything”.

Alright, alright, we’re getting there. We’re just trying to get you to see why metal festivals rule- we’ll try to come back to it later. We walk past CKY and notice that they seem harder than we remember. That’s all we’re going to say since we were on our way to see Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows, purely on the strength of their name. Remember Dominic Monaghan’s unconvincing rock star character from Lost? Well him + irritating voice + slightly shouty emo rock = this band. Still think they sound good? Well that name that initially seemed awesome shortens to D.R.U.G.S. Our thoughts exactly.

We grab some lunch and sit down. Puddle of Mudd just happen to be playing near us. Is there a word for the opposite of serendipity?  Puddleofdipity perhaps?

You know how your parents thought all your music sounded the same. Well Young Guns do that to us. Are they the archetypal emo-rock/pop band or are we just too old? We ask a nearby 14 year old. A response of “fuck off paedo” doesn’t specifically address the question but manages to answer it regardless.

Does the world need The Darkness right now? Embraced by the mainstream rock press for having their tongues firmly in their cheeks, they were abandoned when their audience started including fans of the genre they were lovingly satirising. Unlike the NME, the masses have no difficulty in rocking out and laughing at the same time Then their audience abandoned them when they started taking themselves seriously. But even they abandoned the band when they started taking themselves too seriously. They certainly remind everyone what made that first album so damn fun, causing the first big sing-alongs of the weekend. Occasionally we find ourselves thinking “this one sounds like if the Darkness had made a second album”, before realising that they did and this one is from it. Maybe the band having fun again is the first step on the way to a successful comeback?

Bored with joy and laughter we check out Korn but the change in mood doesn’t really work for us. It’s not that Got the Life doesn’t rock, it’s just that we’d prefer to see it somewhere with sweat on the walls.

We never expected Pendulum to be the band that steal the day. The only distinction they have normally is of being rubbish at multiple genres but right here, right now they make total sense. Maybe we’ve been missing big electronic sound, maybe it’s the fact that they are making an effort to entertain but whatever it is, these guys are making us dance like idiots- a worthy festival headline act. We like being surprised by a band and retire happy.

Tune in tomorrow for views on Saturday and Sunday if you can possibly stand the it. And yes, Glastonbury was on this weekend wasn’t it? Everyone’s talking about that aren’t they?

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Anyone who says they hate Beyonce is either a liar or a former member of Destiny’s Child, jarred and infuriated by her monumental success. Fact is, Beyonce Knowles is one of the most likeable pop-stars we’ve ever had. She’s just marvellous isn’t she?

And if you’re thinking ‘yeah, but I hate her music! All that stupid histrionics! It makes my turds hang sideways!’, you’re forgetting that she just looked really, really great in the ‘Crazy In Love’ video. Right?

Now, she’s got a new album due called ’4′ and, well, loads of people have heard it in its entirety thanks to it getting leaked online (where else? The trad. arr. press couldn’t leak a septic tit). She’s not particularly happy about it.

The long-player was supposed to see release on 27th June, but alas, it is already available now to those who know how to get access to music illegally. Of course, the people that do are in a massive minority, not that the recording industry would ever acknowledge it. The vast majority of the universe doesn’t have a foggiest about how to illegally download a track and is frightened of doing so in case they infect their precious computers with malware and the like.

Either way, those that have leaked the LP have been giving B’s newbie really good reviews, and she “appreciates” that, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she worried that all the effort she puts into the packaging and artwork of albums is just a huge waste of her time.

Which it is really. The majority of MP3 players don’t feature LP artwork and even the ones that do rarely see the light of day, being tucked away in pockets as people commute or *spit* jog around sweating all over themselves.

Beyonce says:

“My music was leaked and while this is not how I wanted to present my new songs, I appreciate the positive response from my fans”

“When I record music I always think about my fans singing every note and dancing to every beat. I make music to make people happy and I appreciate that everyone has been so anxious to hear my new songs.”

So she’s reasonably happy then, safe in the knowledge that she’s already gigantically successful and doesn’t really need to worry about it all like a new band would. WRONG.

It seems Beyonce has set her legal team on everyone, and they’re threatening action against blogs who do not remove links to the leaked LP.

The legal team must be incredibly busy because they’re going about taking action against every single person who uploads any of the new songs to YouTube and Twitter, which must be like trying to staple vomit to a cloud.

All in all, this story only tells us one thing: If you didn’t know you could get Beyonce’s ’4′, it’ll be on a torrent now. Sell burned copies to the plebs at work for a quick buck if you’re smart.

Apologies if the headline made you think that this was about lactating breasts.

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Yeah, we know it’s already June, and that with each passing day, the notion of it being a preview becomes more absurd. Shut up and read, because these are the festivals that you should be thinking about going to this month.

Arguably if you actually use us as some kind of tastemaker, then perhaps it’s best to stay in and not inflict yourself on the wider public.

With that in mind, here’s what everyone should be doing while you stay in, looking at old photographs and wondering where it all went wrong.

Festival for those about to rock – Download 10-12 June, Derbyshire

You’d be hard pushed to find a less pretentious crowd, metallers know how to have fun in an wonderfully inclusive way. And metal bands shit all over indie bands when it comes to playing live. Headliners this year are Def Leppard (if you’re not afraid of cheese), System of a Down (who are just great) and Linkin Park (if your tastes are more mainstream). Other acts include Avenged Sevenfold, Pendulum, Korn and the divisive cynicism-free zone that is Frank Turner. Oh and Clutch. Who are quite a long way down the bill but worth mentioning because they’re bloody marvellous.

Festival for those who prefer beats to riffs – Glade Festival 10-12 June, Norfolk

Not content with running the best dance bits at Glastonbury, the Glade crew have been running their own event since 2004. This is definitely our June tip if dancing all night is high on your agenda. Sub Focus, Andrew Weatherall, Krafty Kuts and Hybrid who amongst those going whumpwhumpwhump in the night.

If you don’t mind travelling – Rock Ness – 10-12 June, Loch Ness

OK, we know it’s the same weekend again, but if you want a line-up that’s a bit more..er.. festivally, then you could do a lot worse than this bad boy. Highlights include Frightened Rabbit, Fake Blood, Two Door Cinema Club, DJ Shadow, Simian Mobile Disco, and Chemical Brothers, who are still one of the best live acts about, and creators of a recent ‘return to form’ album. As in their best in ten years. As opposed to ‘return to form’ when it means sound-a-bit-like-they-used-to-but not-as-good, for example “have you heard Invaders Must Die by The Prodigy, it’s a real ‘return to form’”).

Camping? No thanks! – Parklife Weekender – 11-12 June, Manchester

Platt Fields is a great location, and this weekend includes Chase and Status, Metronomy, Darwin Deez, 2manyDJs, Everything Everything and Grandmaster Flash. The weekend is sold out but there are still day tickets available.

If you want more than just music – Goldcoast Oceanfest 17-19 June, Devon

Tunes-wise this reasonably priced one has The King Blues, Seasick Steve, and Ed Sheeran. There’s also lots of sport. Don’t worry it the kind of sport that cool people in baggy clothing play, and is more fun to watch.

If you’ve never been to Glastonbury, then you really should go – Glastonbury 22-26 June

We could write a great deal about why Glastonbury became a great deal better when the big fence went up, but how it’s been losing it’s vibe over the last few years. However if you’ve never been before you’ll probably have the best weekend of your lives and think us insufferable bores. Luckily everyone who agrees with us seems to have started their own events.

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The Darkness, they were an odd band weren’t they? Operating around the period of 2003/2004, it was a time when indie music was at a low with bands getting signed more on their fashion sense than musical ability. If you could pull off the skinny jeans and hat look, then you were on to a winner. And hailed from somewhere “trendy” like Camden.

Instead of targeting the traditional market of angst ridden teenagers, The Darkness decided that they’d bring back the seventies in to everybody’s lives. Did we want that? Not particularly. Hair metal and over the top antics weren’t that exciting.

A few people took interest in the band with the majority of the fanbase being elderly people having a mid life crisis and reverting back to their youth. The band split in 2006 and five years later, they’ve returned with threats of a new album and touring.

Don’t worry, The Darkness aren’t going to be turning up to your local venue anytime soon. Instead, they have booked up to play the UK’s most dire festival, Download. Filled with people wearing dark denim with security chains so they don’t lose their wallet and mobile phone, this look is topped off with leather jackets with sewn on patches by their mums featuring happy band logos like “Mega Corpse Punch”, “Satanic Ball Blender” and our favourite from group from Norway, “Black Pig Pudding Revenge.”

The festival has a habit of repeating the same crusty acts year after year, forcing new hopefuls to rot in tents miles away where real the action is. Anyone sill booking AC/DC or Iron Maiden must have forgotten that the majority of audience are fifty year old bikers who still live at home and have seen their heroes a billion times.

Therefore, The Darkness will go down a treat as scores of people can embrace the sound of weak metal as a man sings like he’s got string wrapped round his testicles while a roadie pulls hard.

Various members of The Darkness have been in other musical projects including the badly named Hot Leg and The Stone Gods. Reading between the lines, we take it that all of the money has dried up after their surge in popularity when they won a couple of Brit awards.

Lead goon from the band Justin Hawkins said:

“The main thing for us is to make sure that musically we turn the experience into something positive again. We’ve been remembering why it was so much fun in the first place, just four men making loud music in a room.”

Grr, how manly does that sound? Just a group of buddies hanging out, strumming some chords and rocking out without a care in the world. Of course when the various members did this in their other groups, it didn’t feel right. Kind of like drinking non alcoholic beer. The intent is there, but the end result is rubbish. Therefore a pointless reunion to generate a quick amount of money seems the most logical option to us.

We’re going to go grow our hair and mould it in to a perm so we can rock out with rocks biggest novelty, The Darkness. Peace out.

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When you traipse through the world of free gaming on the internets, you realise some things.

One thing is that people will play anything: penguin launching, paper throwing, dog shuffling.

Another is that the games are generally tripe, only good for a few minutes before you move on.

One other thing is that sometimes you stumble on something that could be – should be – a full, retail release, but is instead free to play. This time it’s Naked War and even ignoring the fact that it’s free to play (you can pay if you want extra privileges) it still manages to be an absolutely stunning game.

Playing like an even more cartoony Advance Wars – one of the finest series on the Game Boy Advance/DS – this is a play-by-email strategy game that will eat up more of your time than you care to imagine. Thing is though, as it’s email-based you don’t have to commit to one session in one sitting – it can be stretched over a period of days or weeks, even months.

There isn’t much room to go on here, but we couldn’t recommend Naked War enough – go and sign up, download the client then accept your challenge from one of the game’s creators. Oh, and prepare to get battered by them. It is a bit unfair, but you can go on to play other people who aren’t as good.

Get It Here:

Naked War

Katamari Damacy is great, and so are side-scrolling shooters.

So what happens when you combine the two? TUMIKI Fighters, that’s what.

You shoot things, they die, you try and catch destroyed enemies as they plummet off the screen, you get bigger, it’s fun. That’s about all the explanation we can offer, so instead – as a special treat – here’s a video of it with some excellent music:

Get It Here:

TUMIKI Fighters

There is absolutely no point in writing anything about this game when there is such an incredible synopsis available.

So here it is:

Just play it.

Download-o Here:

Charles Barkley: Shut Up And Jam Gaiden

Being a bodyguard is one of those jobs that would be – as those kids tend to say – ‘awesome’.

It’s just a shame that you’d probably end up getting shot and killed. But wait! For you – yes you – can still be a bodyguard without having to put your actual, real life on the line! Plus you won’t have to get embarrassed should you decide to do a runner instead of looking after your VIP.

How? By playing Black Shades, the bodyguard game.

You are a bodyguard and you have to protect your VIP, playing about in an infinitely generated city full of blocky little people, half of which seemingly want to shoot the man in white you’re looking after. Kill them, disarm them, knock your VIP out of the way – you decide how to deal with the attacker.

It looks shonky but it still plays really well, and is oddly compulsive – as with a lot of freebies. It is a download, mind, and not a browser-based timewaster, but it’s well worth the 1MB file size.

Download Black Shades Here:

Black Shades

Having a strong memory is one of the most worthwhile assets in a person’s life.

It means they can remember… things… about stuff. And not… forget them.

Anyway – Basho Kioku is a simple memory game that is sure to test your ability to the fullest. Simply click on a square – that’s a level done. Repeat until the end. That’s it. Oh, but if you happen to click on a square you’ve already tagged before then you lose a life.

It starts out simple but soon gets that grey matter working, we can tell you that for a fact. It also manages to be as captivating as it is frustrating, so try not to play it for too long when you should be working. ‘Just one more go’ syndrome has been known to kick in often with Basho Kioku.

Play It Here:

Basho Kioku