When Demi Lovato split from Joe Jonas, it all started going wrong. She ended up suicidal, self harming, developing an eating disorder and in rehab. It was pretty gruesome really, seeing as she was only about six years old or something.

We might have that completely wrong. We can’t tell these young stars apart. However, she had one person she could rely on – Colombian footballing legend Carlos Valderrama.

Recent reports noted that the pair were romantically involved, but alas, before we could all thrill at such an amazing union, it’s believed the couple have now ended their relationship.

So what makes us think they were a thing? Well, some cryptic messages that Lovato has posted on her Twitter profile have clanged clues our way.

The first of the messages was a re-tweet of somebody else posting a Marilyn Monroe quote:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

She followed this up with a message of her own:

“The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.”

The flame haired footballing genius, Carlos Valderrama has recently been spotted partying with Joe Jonas and they reportedly spent the first weekend of January 2012 at Beacher’s madhouse in Hollywood.

Maybe this could’ve been the cause of Valderrama and Lovato’s split? Maybe it was the presence of Rene Higuita, the erratic ex-con Colombian goalkeeping eccentric?

Or maybe Carlos wouldn’t shut up about his time spent playing for Montpellier?

Wait. What?

Demi Lovato was going out with Wilmer Valderrama from That 70s Show? Really? REALLY? And we’re supposed to care about that?

Wilmer may be a pretty cool name but it’s nothing compared to Carlos’ hair! Seriously! We were supposed to care about Wilmer Valderrama?

Teenage warbler and spawn of the devil (aka Billy Ray) Miley Cyrus,  recently ‘fessed up to being the raging pothead we all suspected at her 19th birthday party in Los Angeles.

Guest included, Kelly Osbourne and Rumer Willis, boyfriend Liam Hemsworth and of course her parents who were probably out the back, line-dancing through the piles of money they’ve  made from selling their child to the Disney factory.

Miley was presented with a Bob Marley cake and before devouring it face first, she gave a small speech, made up of words.

She said:

“You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Miley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed!”

She failed to mention whether the cake had ‘jam-in’ [we're sorry] but subtle as a brick in the face friend, Kelly Osbourne decided to try and be funny and distract everyone from the fact she was ramming fistfuls of cake into her handbag.

Referencing the 2010 incident where Miley was caught bonging herself into oblivion she laughed,

“I thought salvia was your problem!”

What? Could it be that in fact Miley wasn’t smoking perfectly legal salvia but in fact something much more fun-filled and arrest worthy?

Stop shouting “YES!!”, you have no proof.

Kelly, obviously aware that she’d come across as a complete shit-stirrer, ran to tweet and make sure everyone knew it was a joke, m’kay?

‘Let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her Bob Miley as a JOKE! The cake was also A JOKE.’

She kept digging that hole.

‘It makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called ‘friends’ would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!’

Um, isn’t that EXACTLY what you just did Kelly?

‘U guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possibly do all that is she was a stoner! #think (sic)

That’s a very good point daughter of Ozzy Osbourne.  We’ve never heard of anyone in the music business being able to maintain a career whilst using drugs.

However, Miley didn’t give two hoots and tweeted;

‘Can’t thank @MissKellyO for the best partyyyy ever! =]]]] i loveeeee you! Let’s just say there was a unicorn in the lobby!’

No. No there wasn’t.

Bloody hippies.

Here’s the stupid video.

Apparently, Miley Cyrus has put on some weight. No-one actually cares, but y’know, when weight is mentioned around women, everyone starts shrieking like someone just revealed a semtex waistcoat.

Some trollers, trying (successfully) to get a rise, pointed out that Miley had put some pounds on and thought it might be funny to call her ‘fat’.

Of course, Miley Cyrus isn’t fat. However, she does hate skinny women and wandered ever closer to the idiot arena of ‘real women have curves’. Get that thin ladies? You’re body shape is sexless compared to that of someone with a bit of an arse. HURRAY!

After being called fat, she took to twitter to lash out at her detractors. Did she sensibly point out that women come in a variety of shapes and sizes, all as viable as the next?

Of course not. She’s a blithering simpleton.

Posting a picture of an emaciated, ribby woman, she wrote:

“By calling girls like me fat, this is what you’re doing to other people.”

“I love MYSELF & If you could say the same you wouldn’t be sitting on your computer trying to hurt others.”

How wrong she is. Here at hecklerspray, you’d be surprised at how high our opinion is of ourselves. We’re amazing and you’re all rubbish. That’s why we have been afforded the ability to chide everyone on Earth. EVER. They should build a statue of us all because we’re so insultingly amazing.

Anyway, Miley did what all idiots do, and proved her ‘curves are better’ point by tweeting a picture of Marilyn Monroe – a woman who notoriously sucked her gut in  for pictures so she looked thinner (great message for the girls there) as well as having a figure that is just as unrealistic as some supposedly emaciated waif.

“Proof that you can be adored by thousands of men even when your thighs touch.”

“I don’t wanna be shaped like a girl. I LOVE being shaped like a WOMAN & trust me ladies your man won’t mind either ”

Hey! Thin ladies! You’ve got the body of a CHILD! Miley Cyrus says so! You disgusting pigs. You’re boy/girlfriends are essentially paedophiles because they like your child body. That’s what Miley is implying. God, you make us sick.

Demi Lovato got in touch, yelling:

“god I love you. SO DO YOU!!! And whoever called you that has it coming. ps SO proud of you for posting that! #curvesareBEAUTIFUL.”

Miley replied:

“AMEN. I will destroy any one that calls you the F (fat) word. You have the SEXIIIESTTT curvyyyy body! I LOVE IT! Werk those curves.”

Miley probably meant to type ‘work those curves’ but her ‘curvy’ fingers are too big to type properly. Either way, at least she’s cleared something up for us: Women – the best way toward equality is to attack each other about the shape of your body. Well done. Feminism isn’t dead after all.

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There is a definite trend of companies recycling their expensive adverts of yesteryear in order to save themselves a bit of cash. To be honest, there isn’t a lot we can say as a criticism of that. Times are tough and if your product hasn’t changed very much then why bother going to the effort of making a whole new advert to extoll the exact same virtues.

While there’s nothing wrong with it on the face of it, some ads remind us that they were completely awful in the first place and, like last week, we’re looking into the murky, sugar-loaded world of soft drinks.

Are they a bargain? ‘Cause everyone loves a bargain, and don’t try to pretend that you don’t. There is evidence to suggest that we are more likely to buy things if they are on some kind of offer, be it ‘buy one get one free’, ‘two for the price of one’ or ‘buy six and get thirty free pictures of stick-men in various sexual positions’.

However sometimes getting two for the price of one isn’t as good as it may seem.

Take this prime example from Fanta:

Let’s not waste too much time on this. Why are these cuddly cartoon characters partying it up with Fanta? Fanta with no alcohol in it. Perhaps it’s a very British attitude to have but alcohol is party juice. We’ve never had a sip of Fanta and felt compelled to crowdsurf, unless it was to crowdsurf to the Coca Cola Company’s HQ and tell them that it doesn’t taste as good as it used to and ask them if they’ve tried Orangina.

Still. Perhaps this ad will teach us the best way to recover from awkward social situations at parties. This las recovers using mime as a form of modern dance. MIME! If you used mime as a method of recovering from an embarrassing door-face-interaction you’d be laughed out of that party into the waiting arms of a junkie who would promise to take you back in time to 1936 when that move was cool.

Boys don’t like to be phantom-lassoed. Just a hint there, ladies.

Demographically, the first part of the advert is confusing. This party infested by Bieber/Jonas-ites (similarity to parasites withstanding) who don’t want to drink or have crazy sex at a party but just stand around and drink Fanta. Who’s the demographic for this advert? Is it only being shown on the Disney channel?

We thought that this train of thought might peter out but then we popped on to Fanta’s official website and saw The Fantanas; a girl band manufactured to sing songs about the beautiful taste of Fanta.

Is it too much to hope that Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato will be sharpening their bitch-sticks and trimming their mullets ready for some kind of gimp-pop showdown with these girls? Coming to Disney Channel Pay-Per-View soon!

Still, let’s move onto the tagline, shall we?

“MORE FANTA. LESS SERIOUS.”

More Fanta, less serious is the entire tag to this advert. Less serious about fun, less serious about taste, less serious about music, less serious about styles of dancing that aren’t entirely anachronistic, less serious about advertising.

Possibly the thing that irks us the most is the fact that it’s not over yet.

You probably don’t want to buy a bottle of Fanta yet so let’s have an entirely different advert with an entirely different feel. Why they did this, no-one knows, but we can only imagine that the graphics people were on a roll and just launched straight into a new advert.

They’ve taken the most boring situation possible, some kind of lecture where the lecturer stands in silence, reading the latest Dan Brown novel and ignoring the class. They’re bored of the lazy, untalented writing style which oozes from the page like a noxious gas. This putrid, useless pile of paper is scarcely worthy of propping open the door of this classroom. The door through which the class are about to rush out of into the Friday sun to their friends and Fanta and a complete lack of fun or entertainment.

The clock dings (helpfully, it says Friday so it saves you having to climb inside the television and consult a calendar) and suddenly the room is transformed into a club. A club. It’s 5 o’clock on a Friday! Go home and get changed. Have some dinner or something! Responsible drinking kids. Drinking Fanta in excess will make you all gassy.

“GRAB A TASTE OF FRIDAY.”

Answer us this, ladies and gentlemen. Does Fanta taste like Friday? Just because it’s alliterative? Of course it doesn’t. For a start, we’ve seen one of these things on a Tuesday. What are they saying to us?

“You still have most of the week to get through before you’ll be able to lick any surface and it will taste like Fanta! Ha!”

How dare they.

What’s a true taste of Friday? Revomitted vodka. Get to work, people.

Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.

Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.

And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!

Even more amusing is that Lovato’s parents were so concerned about their starlet daughter’s well-being, that they needed to stage an intervention!

IMAGINE! HAHAHA! HOW FALL DOWN FUNNY!

The young star was treated in rehab for ‘emotional and physical issues’ in November after she promptly went about attacking one of her dancers while on tour with The Jonas Brothers. The only thing we see wrong there is that she didn’t attack The Jonas Brothers.

Either way, this PANT WETTING breakdown was coupled with a OOH STOP IT MY SIDES ARE HURTING FROM LAUGHING eating disorder, leaving Lovato with the most uproarious, mirth inducing battle with her self image, ever!

WAIT! WHAT’S THIS? WE CAN BARELY CONTAIN OUR GUFFAWS! She’s apparently been self-harming as well!

Lovato says:

“I basically had a nervous breakdown.”

“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, “You need to get some help.” It was an intervention. I wanted freedom from the inner demons. I wanted to start my life over.”

HAHAHA! HOW BRILLIANTLY FUNNY!

And now, in a move that will see us referring to her as a mewing, self-worthing tit, she’s teamed up with some people to help young women to tackle self-esteem issues, fronting the ‘Love is Louder Than The Pressure to Be Perfect’ campaign.

YEAH! WHATEVER! DO A SUICIDE BID OR SOMETHING!

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It doesn’t matter if you’re a vaguely famous human, you’re still a human. That means you’re still prone to being an unreasonable, ratty, snarky prick. Take troubled Disney star (we’re legally obliged to say that every time we mention her name) Demi Lovato for example. She’s been acting like a tool after being dumped by a Jonas Brother.

She sent a bitchy email, probably flooding her keyboard with mascara filled fluid, to her ex-Joe Jonas’ current beau Ashley Greene.

Apparently, Lovato was so pissed-off by the Clone-ass Brother’s decision to date Ashley Greene and… well… his decision to flaunt her and rub Lovato’s nose in it like forcing a puppy’s face in its own excrement when it makes a mess of the new rug, that she fired off what has been described as “a very nasty e-mail” to Greene.

Allegedly, Lovato was thunderously angry for…

“stealing her boyfriend and parading him around with him on tour.”

If you recall (which you won’t. That’s why we’re here. We remember all this crap to regurgitate it back to you as context for pointless drivelling stories like this), Jonas invited Greene along on the Camp Rock 2 tour, which Lovato was also performing on. Lovato then mysteriously jacked the tour in and went mental.

So this is a tale of a mad girl sniping at a happy couple? Not quite. See, Greene decided to poke glass in the open sores by responding in kind.

It is reported that an email was sent to Lovato of Greene and The Jonas Brother together looking really happy and junk. If she was really nasty, she would have been cradling a Jonas ballbag while holding a crudely made sign saying “Remember these? They’re mine now – you insane witch!”

Instead, it is more likely that the email said “LEAVE US ALONE!”

Of course, at the start of this month, Lovato entered a rehab facility for “emotional and physical issues,” after allegedly getting into a physical altercation with someone called Alex “Shorty” Welch. He’s a backup dancer on the Camp Rock tour.

Ladies and gents! We might just have a new mentalist to fill the boots on Lindsay Lohan, should she decide to clean her act up. Sounds like Lovato is a real-deal nutjob, unlike Taylor Momsen who is merely playing at it while parading her brattishness around (or, as they’re known normally, ‘tits’).

Come on Demi! We want more nutso action from you! Kill someone! Take drugs! Saw a leg off! Our helplessly pointless and empty lives are depending on you!

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Demi Lovato is something of a troubled star. For a kick-off, she’s religious. Secondly, she went out with one of the Jonas Brothers. It is little wonder that she ended up getting treatment for ‘emotional and physical issues’. A god-fearing woman who dry-humped with one of the most boring humans ever to walk the Earth. Poor lamb.

Still, at least she can take solace from the fact that people would like to give her money to bare her genitals.

That’s right. One company who deal in bongo films have made Lovato a most curious offer. Basically, they’re willing to pay for something that doesn’t exist. Presumably, that means we can all have non-existent wanks then?

Lovato, who was in Camp Rock, should you be staring at her face and wondering who the shitting crikey she is, has the opportunity to pocket $100,000 once she gets out of rehab… provided she signs over the rights to the sex tape that doesn’t exist.

Let it be on record that hecklerspray have a non-existent sex tape featuring all the writers wriggling around in each other’s debasery and muck and are completely willing to sign over the rights to it for anything in the region of 80 pence upwards.

Anyway, TMZ have obtained a letter from the kindly souls at Pornhub who are offering Demi the chance to be featured on their site.

The letter says:

“You don’t have to star with male talent, we are willing to accept a solo or Girl-Girl scene just as long as it’s shot in HD.”

The chances of an American Christian who nearly held-hands with a Jonas being in a video involving any sort of sexy sexiness at all is slim, let alone her getting off with a girl or having a leaky solo-bang. If those videos did exist, then you can be sure that they would close with God-fearing Demi weeping openly on her bed, praying for forgiveness and ringing up a priest for a quick exorcism.

In fairness, that would probably stick another $100,000 on the asking price for the tape. Which doesn’t exist.

Demi’s representatives have said:

“Perpetrating these completely unfounded rumors from supposed sources while Demi is in treatment dealing with serious physical and emotional issues is disgusting.”

“The sourcing on this report is so spotty that it is hard to fully respond.”

Who read spotty and thought of sickly genitals? Just us? Oh.

Still, the rumours abound about Lovato. Some people are claiming that Demi’s uncle Francisco kept people out of her dressing rooms and the like while she had sex inside… which is one of the more distressing images to flash through the celebrity gossip radar in 2010.

Demi’s rep, to paraphrase, says that this suggestion is a load of bollocks.

Anyway, nice to see that people are willing to offer money for tapes of private moments to someone while they’re in a treatment centre crying all the fluid from their body and wondering whether life is worth living.

Merry Christmas every one of us! Apart from Muslims, Hindus and anyone else who doesn’t believe in Christianity. Although not including those who don’t believe in Jesus, but like getting presents.

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Look, you don’t mess with Demi Lovato. You just don’t. In fact, you don’t mess with any tweeny Disney stars.

Vanessa Hudgens? No. Miley Cyrus? No, her face has seen things, you can tell. The Jonas Brothers? No, not unless you want to have your arse kicked by the full force of their furious three-way eyebrows/ virginity combo. But you really, really don’t want to mess with Demi Lovato.

You may recall that Demi Lovato recently went to rehab. Some suggested that this was because she was addicted to drugs. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to alcohol. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to purging ever meal she eats. But no. If the rumours are correct, then Demi Lovato is in rehab because she’s addicted to punching one dancer in the face once and then freaking out about it. Who knew?

In the league table of Disney tween poppets, Demi Lovato is way behind the likes of Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens. This is because she’s never posted pictures of herself naked or nearly-naked on the internet. True, she starred in Camp Rock with the Jonas Brothers, and she’s fairly well-known for definitely never having any sex with any of the Jonas Brothers whatsoever, but when the time came to further her career by taking photos of her naked body and leaking them onto the internet, she choked. And thus a potentially great career was snipped off before it could even begin.

A setback like that has to hurt a girl, so it was sad but not surprising when Demi Lovato recently wound up in rehab. After all, something has to be seriously wrong with you if you have to go to rehab. You have to be addicted to drugs. Or booze. Or sex which, as David Duchovny or Tiger Woods will tell you, is definitely a real addiction and not just something you make up when your wife catches you nobbing a slag. So which was it? Which of these awful addictions had Demi Lovato succumbed to?

Actually, none of them. If reports are true, then Demi Lovato is in rehab being treated for her addiction to punching a solitary dancer in the face one single time, because she thought that the dancer had blabbed about a secret party of hers. Which is apparently a genuine addiction that needs professional residential treatment now. CNN reports:

Lovato confronted a young dancer, whom she thought might have been the one to blame for telling on her. “There was a short, physical altercation,” says the source, adding that it was “one-sided.” “Afterwards, Demi felt awful about her behavior and realized she needed to take personal responsibility for it,” says the family source.

So there you have it. Demi Lovato is apparently in rehab because she might have punched someone. Look out for Demi’s next single, a cover of Amy Winehouse‘s Rehab that’s been rewritten to include the line “I tried to check myself into rehab/ They said ‘But Demi, you’re not even addicted to anything and rehab really isn’t the most suitable course of treatment for you. In fact, you’re basically making a mockery of the entire rehab system here, you gigantic bellend/ No no no’”.

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Remember the Jonas Brothers? Of course you do. Giant eyebrows. No sex before marriage. Possible lack of sex organs.

You remember. Anyway, the Jonas Brothers lost some of their mojo when Jonas Brother The Elder decided to get married. And now that his eyes have been opened to the exciting world of monthly, perfunctory, emotionally-distant, missionary-style sexual intercourse, the rest of the band have become a bit of an afterthought.

But at least Joe Jonas – or Middle Jonas as everyone knows him – has still got it. Why, Joe Jonas has just split up with Demi Lovato from Camp Rock. Thank God – maybe this’ll mark a return to the old swinging, carefree, Bacchanalian evenings of absolutely no sex that we’ve come to expect from him.

As one of the leading forces in sexless, big-eyebrowed, manipulative corporate pop, Joe Jonas gets his pick of girls. And he’s got a definite type, too – he’s previously been linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Camilla Belle. That means if you’re sort of pretty but a bit dead behind the eyes and you generally look as if you’ve never had an original thought in your entire life, you’re in luck – you’re precisely the type of girl that Joe Jonas goes for.

In fact, you’re in double luck. Joe Jonas has just split up from Demi Lovato – the sort of pretty, dead behind the eyes star of Camp Rock who looks as if she’s never had an original thought in her entire life – so he’s on the rebound. Hooray! People reports:

Joe Jonas is back on the market! The singer, 20, and girlfriend Demi Lovato, 17, have called it quits, a source tells PEOPLE, but will still be hitting the road together this summer, starting July 27 in Dallas.

We’re heartbroken. Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato were made for each other. No, literally, they were actually made for each other – they were both injection-moulded at the same underground Disney plant and their hair was stolen from the same wailing Korean toddler. True story.

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Hey you! If you like news stories about people you’ve barely heard of possibly being somewhat rude about people you’ve never heard of, are you ever in for a treat!

And, since this story contains a public apology, you can bet your balls that it features Miley Cyrus as well. And it does! Miley Cyrus has apologised for a YouTube video of her apparently mocking Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, who are apparently Disney stars or something. Honestly, not a clue.

Anyway, we have the offending Miley Cyrus video for you after the jump. Chances are it’ll make just as little sense to you as did to us, but at least it proves one thing beyond reason – that Miley Cyrus has the speaking voice of an abusive, chainsmoking pensioner.

Oh for God’s sake. Stop it already. We’ve barely just got round to working out what Miley Cyrus is for (answer: paying for the upkeep of the Disney Corporation’s executive unicorn stables and speedboat lounge) and you’ve started to chuck new Miley Cyruses at us? That’s hardly on.

And, what’s more, you’ve made Miley Cyrus rivals with the new Miley Cyrus? Oh, you. If we had any idea who we were directing this angry threat at, we’d come and get you. We really would.

So. The new Miley Cyrus, then. That’d be Selena Gomez. She’s just like Miley Cyrus in that she’s the star of a Disney show and she sings a bit. There are a few subtle differences – Selena Gomez doesn’t have a creepy washed-up country singer for a dad and she wears a purity ring whereas Miley Cyrus’ motto seems to be “Wahey! Cop a load of these, boys!” – but other than that they’re mostly identical.

Anyway. The rivalry. Apparently Selena Gomez recently made a video with her friend Demi Lovato, who we assume was also squirted out of the same giant Disney child star battery womb as Miley and Selena. The video is mostly unintelligible, but the key points are that one of them wears too much make-up, one of them had a gap in her teeth fixed and one wears an ironic kid’s TV show T-shirt.

That’s important to remember, because right after Selena Gomez’s video, Miley Cyrus came out with this. We should warn you now that we can’t be held responsible for the computer monitor you’re almost guaranteed to headbutt in a furious rage within the next three minutes…

Not a clue. Seriously.

But anyway, as well as being a powerful tool of persuasion to convince normal, well-adjusted grown men into rushing out and punching the first child they see, Miley Cyrus’ video has also been seen as the opening salvo of a turf war between Miley Cyrus and her plucky young challenger. And she’s not backing down from it, either, as the New York Daily News reports:

“If we offended them, we’re super sorry. We were just, like, having fun, you know what I mean?… Elvis says imitation is the greatest form of flattery. We were like, imitating them, you know? Like, being funny.”

OK, actually Miley Cyrus is backing down from it. Quite a lot. But still, this is how celebrity feuds tend to start, so Miley would be well advised to cut out the bitching. Or at least do it behind her rivals’ backs like everyone else does.

Incidentally, what’s with the Elvis quote there, Miley? Don’t start living your life by Elvis Presley’s rules, otherwise the next thing you know you’ll be snuffing it on the shitter with 25 kilos of deep-fried squirrel burger up your arse. Is that what you want, Miley? Is it? Because you’re certainly going the right way about it.