Good weekend, was it? Had some enjoyable sandwich fillings and simulated some erogenous zones, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Us neither.

Never mind, because The X Factor was on too, and if that wasn’t amazing enough it was a 2 hour special Judges Houses special as part of a special exclusive double X Factor weekend special. Which is pretty, amazingly special when you think about it.

But, that’s the X Factor for you. Always fulfilling our dreams, always making Pinnochio look lacklustre. So what was in store? As if you didn’t know. As if you didn’t Sky Plus it at your X Factor party with custom made flags. Actually, that sounds like a pretty wild night, you probably do need reminding. All those Pringle cans to clean up and all that psychological torment. We’ll sort you out. Come here. It’ll stop bleeding eventually, we promise.

So, just to quickly sum up – 320,332 people applied for the X Factor and 293,023 people got through to Boot Camp. So that leaves us with approximately the entire population of Austria in the Judges Houses stage of the competition. The world has never seemed smaller. Kelly’s mentoring the girls, Tulisa’s got the groups, Gary’s got the boys, and Louis’ got the terminally ill mentals. All in all, things seem pretty straight forward so far. But Jesus, guys, stop dwelling on the past – that’s how you got into this situation of watching The X Factor and THEN reading an X Factor blog about The X Factor in the first place.

Peter Dickson informed us that the X Factor has gone ‘global’, which is true, because yes – the X Factor has gone to America where it is infinitely going to be more successful, cheers for reminding us Peter. Come to think of it, isn’t Peter Dickson just making an entire mockery of The X Factor in a sort of modernist pastiche kind of way anyway? A man who makes stinking wads of cash by having a stupid voice, whilst ex-contestants do UK Tours of the nations Shakeaways? Blimey. That’s going to take a hell of a lot of Antonioni films to help us fully understand the scope of that one.

Anyway, Tulisa  firmly told her girls that ‘NO ONE IS HERE TO LOOK CUTE’ – cue the camera cutting to a thousand girls wearing braces with accordians sellotaped to their gussets. It was always going to be an emotional. We mean, Gary Barlow’s going to take ‘risks’ for god’s sake. How often does that ever happen? Oh, and Louis is going to cry again.

It was funny the first time, but now it’s just kind of awkward to watch.

All the contestants were so darned excited about being able to go on an actual plane to an actual country, because they’re all poor and starving to death for the sake of their talent. One of the contestants (who we don’t know the name of, because we didn’t want to) actually shared to the camera her fears of ‘not being able to get on the plane’, she’s so emotionally incapacitated by the state of her musical aspirations. Can you imagine THAT much sentiment on one plane? No WONDER Ryanair announced plans to temporarily cut capacity by grounding 80 aircraft in the winter schedules between November 2011 and April 2012 due to the high cost of fuel and continuing weak economic conditions! RIGHT GUYS? Oh, they’re travelling by Virgin Atlantic. Well, there goes all our laughter.

The judges met their new prospective new definitions of music in LA, Barcelona, Miami and Greece, which is lovely for us to watch and lovely for Olly Murs, who’s probably been gagging to check out the Parthenon ever since he watched the Malayalam version of Alexander the Great last year, which we heard he just adored. Meanwhile, Gary Barlow standing on a ledge in LA is the most uncomfortable thing we’ve ever seen.

Firstly, we met with Tulisa and the definitelygoingtowinthisyear group category. Tulisa is ‘so excited to get her hands on the final four’. Christ, our EARS, Tulisa. We can’t all be as sexually experimental and all knowledgable about hip hop and leather like you. Tulisa’s all important celebrity helper is for some reason Jessie J, who has a broken leg, in case you didn’t get the NASA report about that 400 years ago. Jessie apparently used to be in a group, so it’s totally relevant for her to be there and she has a fringe and a Brit award so she must know what she’s on about.

Either way, this is going to be a much better combination of musical minds than that time Dannii Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia were teamed up to see who could sing Damien Rice with the most sincerity.

It kicked off to a flying start with Jessie J informing the groups with every ounce of Morgan Freeman’s prefrontal cortex that the best thing for the groups will be is if ‘they all pull together.’ Oh god, that’s actually really good advice. Imagine if they all sung together at the same time as well. That’d be like some sort of mental thing Sigourney Weaver would have to flame thrower the shit out of, make no mistake. And we’re not the only ones, as one of the members of one of the groups (that’s as accurate as we can get, sorry) sighs that she is ‘literally in awe’ of Jessie, which we can totally relate too because we too thought it was pretty phenomenally staggering that Jessie saved the entire ruptured state of the economy by writing Price Tag. Isn’t it nice when you can relate to people?

Next up was Miami, where we got to pretend that we were hanging out with Kelly Rowland. Kelly’s celebrity guest was Academy Award winning incredibly successful human being Jennifer Hudson. ITV1 do their bit for equality by immediately cutting to Misha, the only black finalist of the category, for her reaction, because black people like to see other black people. True, Jennifer Hudson is quite a good celebrity guest judge, but she still never supported Cyndi Lauper’s 2008 ‘Bring Ya to the Brink’ tour at any point, so overall we’re still not impressed.

Then we joined Louis in Barcelona (oh god, if only) to take a look at the mental old contestants. Louis says that ‘he probably has the most hopeful category of the year’, which is true. Not talented, mind. Just hopeful. Speaking of hope, look! There’s Carolynne from Fame Academy 2, who says she is here to ‘work’. Well, that was very nice of the ITV1 camera crew to film some of the opinions of the bar staff in that case. Moving on from all the mass hilarity, we are introduced to Louis’ celebrity expert… Sinitta.

Okay, you can carry on laughing now. What the hell was she doing there? Has Louis not checked under all of the seats of the Westlife tour bus or something? Nonetheless, Sinitta is there. Being Sinitta, once again. Quite possibly the 2004 British Comedy Award-winning X Factor’s most unfunny inside joke. The tears of joy and LITERAL AND NOT FIGURATIVE AWE of the youngster categories are put into harsh perspective with Louis’ category awkwardly clapping and Terry reasoning that he didn’t expect her to be a bit fit, as if the man wasn’t clutching enough straws in his life already.

Finally, we got to be with Gary and the boys in LA. Gary goes on about the fact he got dropped from his record label once and had to come to LA to ‘find himself’/find anyone on Planet Earth who hadn’t seen this and of course his celebrity friend is Robbie Williams. And yes, he was wearing a comedy palm tree outfit, and yes, he did explain why he was wearing a comedy palm tree outfit, which obviously made it even funnier. God, it was funny when he did that. God, it’s funny when Robbie Williams gets naked, like that time he did it for Comic Relief once and how that was funny also, and also for charity which just made us all feel really great whilst we were laughing too.

Hey, isn’t it weird how Robbie has battled depression and self esteem issues for most of his adult life and probably uses his nude body as a comedic shell to hide from his brutalised view of his inner self? Still though. Palm leaves. LOOL!

For a laugh, the auditionees then began to actually sing for their mentors. Because they’re not on holiday, they’re here to have a horrible time in three quarter length trousers. Here is a rundown of their auditions and just how horribly awkward it really was.

THE GROUPS

The Vesty Divs The Keys – Sang one of the really boring Beyonce songs that nobody gave two hoots about at Glastonbury. You know, the one where she didn’t shake any part of her body. Terrible. And yeah, we know she’s withchild now and that would ultimately be an awful thing to do, but still. Can she really give us bootylicious and then take away said bootylicious? Just like that? Really? Well, maybe we’ll just take away her first born child and make it listen to loads of Tori Amos, see how she likes it. What were we talking about?

The Estrelles – Rubbish name that doesn’t make any sense. If you want to sound ‘exotic’, call yourselves Las Ketchup. Also – bad at singing songs. Obviously, not a major issue – but just thought we’d mention.

We Forgot to Write Down Their Name but Essentially Two Crying People –  Hey there! Did you accidently turn up on The X Factor and sing a Kings of Leon song? Did Jessie J absolutely rip the shit out of you once you were done? Never fear! Next time just paralyze yourself on gin and tonics and rip your clothes off and fall off a table, and all your dignity will come flooding gently back. That’s a hecklerspray promise.

The Lovettes – The Wedon’treallyfindwecanemotionallyattachifwe’rebeinghonest-ettes MORE LIKE.

The Risk – There’s quite a funny bit where one of the guys says how he just completely doesn’t want to be in the group and thinks he’s better than the others. Come on, you know us too well to know we don’t paraphrase, don’t you? Oh, sorry, we didn’t mention their singing. Well, they sing No Air. There. Now you’re crying and can’t open your paracetamol lids. That’s what you get.

Two Shoes – Apparently Two Shoes are ‘not just a pair of Essex girls here for the crack’. Based on this, we want them to win. They’re actually really good and we would love to give them some crack.

Nu Vibe – Oh look at us, we have penises and we sing songs written by people with vaginas instead. Novel. Voltaire never thought of THAT ONE, did he?

Rhythmix – Isn’t this a type of biscuit that one of The Apprentice teams made up once?

GIRLS

Amelia Lily – Kindathoughtthiswasgoodsowhatever.

Jade Richards – Yeah yeah. Vowel splitting and being in the sub consciousness of Kelly Rowland is probably exactly how David Bowie did things at the start too, but this was rubbish. That’s right Jade, you don’t fool us. You’re probably secretly happy and everything. You probably go home and do happy eyebrows and watch porn and feel really good about yourself.

Sophie Habibis – YES, Sophie Habibis. With your impossible last name and your sex organs. We like you.

HER NAME MIGHT BE SARAH – BUT QUITE FRANKLY WE FORGOT – Boring.

Melanie McCabe – Nice bun, but ultimately boring.

Holly Repton – Jesus, how many of them were there? Well done Holly, you bored us too.

Misha Bryan – AKA OLIVER TWIST – Poor Misha. She’s never even eaten a Marks and Spencers ready meal, let alone been on a plane with two floors before. We bet she’s never even looked at a lobster. Someone give this poor woman a fucking fiver so she can buy a rag to sleep in at night or something.

Janet Devlin – “I love not wearing shoes. It makes me feel more grounded.” You know what makes us feel more grounded? Trench foot.

THE MENTALS

Johnny Robinson – If Johnny Robinson took Viagra, they’d instate a national law to surgically remove every woman’s ovaries.

Natalie Cassidy Sami Brookes – Sorry Alicia Keys, someone just made your song even less interesting, if you can imagine.

Terry Winstanley – Old man got older.

Carolynne Goode – Blah blah blah vocal chords blah blah blah.

Some Guy – Yeah, he sang Bruno Mars. I think we’re done here.

GOLD-AMAZING-IE – Amazing.

Jonjo – Oh god. THIS GUY. Never has a man been more deserving of the name ‘Jonjo.’ Has his wife had her boring baby that won’t amount to anything yet?

Kitty Brucknell – Ha. Mental diseases. They’re so funny. Kitty says some sort of botched line from Notting Hill and then jumps in a pool. When is Louis going to stop mistaking borderline personality disorder for charisma?

THE BOYS

Frankie Cocozza – Skinny jeans? BUT THEY ARE FOR GIRLS, FRANKIE! HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? Long hair? BUT THEY ARE FOR GIRLS FRANKIE! YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING. God, we hope you get through and screw everybody until they’re bone dry.

John Wilding – When we have a weird face, we like to compensate with even weirder hair too.

Joe Cox – Olly Murs just called. We didn’t answer, because we just didn’t feel like chatting with Olly Murs. Ever.

James Michael – Poor POOR creative and amazing James Michael literally cannot sing without a guitar because he plays guitar. You need to know this. James Michael has the ability to play the guitar.

Max Vickers – “He sings like his mum has just told him to turn his X Box off.” Says Robbie Williams, who once released some albums, so we’ll assume in some sort of mental universe that makes a scrap of sense and just go with that.

Luke Lucas – A boy with the ability to buy green headphones and bad at singing songs. Give us some of that DNA NOW.

And that, our emotionally disturbed friends is that. Tomorrow, find out who got through in our EXCLUSIVE REVEAL THAT YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE SHUT UP YOU DON’T KNOW.

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It has been 8 months now, since we all obligingly sat down with a couple of friends, some choice lunch meats, and self loathing, and watched Matt Cardle furiously leaking into his corduroy jeans.

Oh, and won X Factor 2010.

Some would say the healing process after viewing this will need a considerably longer time frame. Every daily tabloid feature for the entire of 2011 would possibly argue otherwise. Yes, that’s it. X Factor is certifiably, and unequivocally ‘BACK’. Which is just as well, because the hysteria over rivals down at C5 Celebrity Big Brother completely died the moment Kerry Katona earnestly admitted to Brian Dowling that her ‘life has been a rollercoaster’.

But if you truly have been soaking your brain in balsamic vinegar since ‘When We Collide’ hit Number 1 last December and have absolutely no idea where Cheryl Cole is, or listened to Katie Waissel’s solo single on the Alan Titchmarsh show – then here is the drill on what the 2011 UK series eventually settled to be. (And yes, Katie Waissel’s solo single on the Alan Titchmarsh show did involve the phrase ‘Shoop Shoop De Langalang’, now that you ask.)

Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue are out. Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland, and Tulisa InstanbulnotConstantinople are in. Louis Walsh is still there. Except he actually IS a sex pest now. And before you start harping on about how the charges were dropped, just remember that they also dropped the charges on a Japanese cannibal who wrote an open confession on how he killed and ate a woman once.  Not that any of this will stop ITV1 cramming in another 4 million pounds to beam a 3D hologram of Simon Cowell to provide a variety of coy homosexual jibes for Louis every week of the live shows. Probably. That ‘joke’ will die with us all.

As we enter into the haven of choirs, bright lights and panning shots of mass gangbangs up and down the UK in the opening titles, we discover immediately that ITV1 have decided to go about this giant exile from the US business in the healthy, British way of dealing with things. By lying to themselves and everybody else. The most amazing part of this, is their decision of entitling the incredibly strange collection of new judges as ‘the next generation’. ITV1, please GOD, show a little decorum. Do you understand how much time and therapy and dry humping we had to endure to get over the whole Sugababes thing?

As expected, Gary Barlow fills the void of Simon Cowell, and presumably also X Factor’s bottomless Take That quota. (Like that time they appeared in the last year’s live final three times when nobody asked, par exémple.)

Tulisa is of course there to accommodate the gaping urban crevasse that Cheryl brutally left behind, lest the whole Cher Lloyd thing SOMEHOW doesn’t work out. Louis Walsh, as we half-heartedly established some time earlier has somehow managed to become the only original judge standing. Possibly through violent sexual threats. Because he is a serial rapist now, if you remember.

ALSO – Kelly Rowland is also there. Because sometimes, Kelly Rowland just has to be there.

So a Cowell-less X Factor. Surely a more optimistic place, a sanctuary of promising talent, or as Dermot is constantly saying whilst revolving manically on the spot – time to face something that vaguely represents music?

The first contestant is a teenage boy who has the exact formation of hair flicks as Alex Turner from 2007. Also, he has a penis.

Not a great start.

With all the sexual charisma of a Louis Walsh basement party (Which would’ve been funny in 2010, but now of course is a sensitive matter due to all that whole Sadist Cult thing he apparently founded) he saunters on stage, sings a fucking Zutons song in the most terrible way imaginable, and then shows his arse crack to the world. Which has tattoos of women’s names on it. Because this gentleman has had sex with some women. And how else was he going to prove it? Luckily, because this show is all about the music now, he gets through. Because sometimes, pop music actually is about having your conquests names inked on to your Gluteus Maximus in a lovely Lucinda Handwriting style of font, so shut up.

By this point in the programme, it has been 21 minutes and we’ve seen one person perform so far. The updated Talk Talk adverts are a grave disappointment also. But, it’s early days yet, and things could still improve. After all, with time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes satin, does it not?

Next up, is a outrageous bint of a woman called Kitty. Kitty has about 1800 faces on top of her regular face, enjoys pleather, and being an idiot called Kitty.

Kitty saunters up to the judges with her blonde hair, and her confidence, and her incredibly clever idea of singing a Lady Gaga song acapella. (Quick note to confused music fans: You may have noticed pop music of this kind of calibre tends to have music attached on to the back of it. What Kitty has cleverly deduced in some sort of bizzare John Lennon-esque twist, is to sing the song WITHOUT the music.) Then, if she wasn’t horrifyingly original and unique enough, she tells the judges about how she’s had a terrible life, because her friends couldn’t get the day off work and come and see her perform or something. And we’ve got to say, in all seriousness, we know here at hecklerspray, we like to have a little chuckle at people’s expenses sometimes. But in this respect, Kitty’s problems really put it into perspective that some of the people on these shows actually use those sort of stories for their OWN PERSONAL GAIN, so we’d just like to draw attention to that, if we may. Like that guy whose wife died, and then sang Tom Jones’ It’s not Unusual, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Disgusting.

The montages continue thick and fast. It becomes apparent to Kelly Rowland that the UK is a bit different to the US, and is consequently amazed by everything, including the degree of shininess of her own fringe. Unless that’s just the cocaine, of course. Gary Barlow pretends that he has musical integrity (He co-wrote a song with Natasha Bedingfield) and gets his own personal montage where ITV1 sufficiently ram it into our heads that he is supposed to be ‘the mean one’. So just in case you’re still confused, we’ll just quickly run through it one more time, just to make sure we understand.

This is not the well known singer Gary Barlow from Take That, who wears scarves and coats sometimes like a regular human being. This is Gary Barlow, the meanest bastard on reality television. Like Craig Revel Harwood, or the one with alopecia from Dancing on Ice. Or some other tyrannical, square-haired, cock-thirsty talent show judge. Absolutely no idea who. Shame we’re in a convent where we can’t use Google.

There’s a beautiful intermission period in amongst the pointless phone-in competition and the continuous wide shots of riot-addled major cities where a fundamentally mental woman called Goldie Cheung comes on stage and encapsulates a beautiful Grace Jones/Ke$ha hybrid performance piece whilst vomiting profusely into a Morisson’s bag. Meanwhile, BBC4 is being axed.

The main focus for tonight’s opening show however (Because it’s definitely not the judges, who are probably too boring to even try and catch malaria, right?) is 16 year old Janet Devlin, (or ‘Janis Joplin’ as everyone horrifically  keep appearing to be saying) because she’s been on the news. Well, you know. It’s been a slow news year. She sings songs on the internet, if you dare to dream of such a thing. We of course, just thought YouTube was some sort of transport system in the south of England, so what do we know, eh?

Okay, we do know this. If you didn’t think life could get more jarringly twee than an Ellie Goulding cover of Your Song – why not try a 16 year old in a cardigan singing an Ellie Goulding cover of ‘Your Song’ instead? Okay, fine – obviously the fact she doesn’t brush her hair is so unbelievably madcap you’d think she was out of a Leslie Neilson movie or something. But ultimately, there is nothing quite as horrible as four people congratulating an impressionable teenager for being ‘unique’.  Since when did being a limp little girl musically come back into fashion, anyway? Even Kate Nash stopped wearing plaid dresses once someone for the love of mankind thrusted a Le Tigre record in her face. Just awful.

Obviously our own ‘personal highlight’ of the show was the ending, which closes upon a very upset young man who doesn’t sing very well at all calling Tulisa IstanbulnotConstantinople ‘a dog’ without a shadow of remorse.  THEN – in a moment of pure Orson Welles-esque brilliance, Dermot tells him to ‘watch his mouth’. Yeah. You can keep your malaria, and your trousers, Simon Cowell. You may be in the US with your sexy Herve Leger-clad prostitutes and tall T4 presenters, but we’ve got something you’ll never have. Badly educated men with anti-social behaviour issues.

Tune in next week, where Louis Walsh cries for non-Freudian reasons, Tulisa and Kelly put their arms up at the same time, and absolutely NOBODY releases a song called ‘Put the Needle On It’. Next up on ITV1, Chris Tarrant legitimately tries to get on board with a show entitled ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire Soapstar?’ – which in all frankness doesn’t even work on the level of an oxymoron now, does it?

Until then!

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We feel sorry for Dannii Minogue: she’s never really had it as good as her older sibling. Kylie has been given all of the bigger, better and catchier pop hits, she looks better and oddly, Kylie has been given her own range of car adverts which don’t make any sense. Perhaps Simon Cowell gave Dannii the X-Factor job out of pity. Or he lost a bet.

Even though the actual show hasn’t started, X-Factor has bored us rigid already. Cowell has buggered off to launch it in America while Cheryl Cole finally was announced as judge after the American authorities turned a blind eye to her conviction of assault. Arguably, the shows two biggest judges have gone Stateside, leaving Kylie Minogue’s sister and Louise Walsh to crush the dreams of thousands.

Only problem is that says before filming starts, Kylie Minogue’s sister has left the show. Surely this couldn’t be a PR stunt?

In theory, this leaves Louise Walsh left to judge solo, therefore guaranteeing that nearly all the Irish acts will get through. History will surely repeat itself this year as he gives us yet another rubbish act from his homeland. Just look at Jedward and the woman who worked in Tesco. Saying that though, we might have to stop being rude to Jedward seeing they finished higher than the UK in Saturdays Eurovision song contest. Though, it was only Blue they had to battle. Nobody decent.

So why has Kylie Minogue’s sister decided to quit the UK version of the X Factor? Is it down to visa issues? If that had been true, she could have hilariously been shipped off on a prison ship back to her native Australia, but sadly it couldn’t be more from the truth. She said:

“During discussions for me to return it became clear that, unfortunately, the audition dates in the UK clash with my live shows of Australia’s Got Talent during June and July.”

Yup. We’re thinking what you are. Somehow, Kylie Minogue’s sister has got herself work though we’re not entirely sure what talent our Australian buddies have to offer. Can someone play the didgeridoo whilst on a BMX made out of lager? How about fitting in a kangaroos pouch while singing Especially For You? Or will someone recreate Michael Hutchence last moments on Earth with a sad clown face painted on their genitals?

Honest, we just don’t know. Though they’ll probably be someone there proudly displaying his or her collection of knives like Crocodile Dundee.

Damn work commitments, what a pain in the arse, it means that we can’t see a second rate pop star tell slightly worse singers than her that they’ll never make the pub circuit. So who’s lined-up to replace her? Is it someone well known and loved across the world like erm…Britney Spears? Imagine the fun we’d have of potential mental breakdowns every week. Whilst we’d all love to see that, we never will. Instead, we’re going to get Tulisa Contostavlos from N-Dubz.

Tulisa is from ghetto street band N-Dubz who sing gangster raps about stealing sweets from the corner shop and penning moody R&B ballads about dirtying their box-fresh trainers. Even though she has been confirmed a judge by various papers, no comment has been released yet. Perhaps she is trying to write down a sentence in her best handwriting.

People might argue that Tulisa won’t connect with the X-Factor audience, but if the X-Factor production team want someone who’ll come across as a moron like half the people who audition, they’ve struck gold!

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Twitter has been a lovely device for sharks like us. We sit around staring idly at celebrity accounts, counting down from ten for when they start spouting off about things. The Osbourne Family, who aren’t exactly strangers to opening their mouths before kicking their tongues in gear are clearly perfect for the direct-line of social networking.

This week, it’s Kelly Osbourne who is letting rip in a seven-post-long rant defending her mum Sharon over claims made in Dannii Minogue’s new book.

We know! Dannii Minogue has a bloody book out! Can you believe it?

Extracts were released from Dannii’s Minogue’s soon to be released autobiography, imaginatively titled ‘Dannii: My Story’ (perhaps she should’ve called it “Living In The Shadow Of My Famous Sister, Grabbing At The Nearest Coat Tail” or something instead),.

Dannii claims that Sharon Osbourne reduced her to tears on her first day in the new X Factor job. That’s not news – Sharon Osbourne reduces us all to tears every single time she hauls her motionless chops out onto our television sets.

Dannii says that Sharon ‘bowled in’ and ‘demanded to know why I hadn’t gone to the press to tell them what a nice person she was’ on her first day, adding:

“The minute she left, I burst into tears. I’d managed to hold it together while Sharon had been there, but once she’d gone I couldn’t hold it in, and I wept into my hands.

“I wasn’t crying because I thought there was any truth to what she’d said – I was crying because someone I had previously looked up to had bawled in my face and ruined my big night.”

Kelly Osbourne wasn’t going to let that lie was she? In fairness, she had to be the mouthpiece for the family because brother Jack’s fingers are too chubby to press his Blackberry keys and Ozzy’s feed would look like this:

“Mwnmn mm mhm fuckin’ shmmlb mhhm Sharon.”

So what did Kelly have to say? Well (and feel free to stick [sic] at the end of each snippet):

“the best thing to happen to dannii’s career was that my mother hated her she needs to shut her mouth and concenterate on motherhood!

‘i will be the first one to admit that my mother did not play her cards right when came to dannii but trust me when i say dannii is the devil,’

‘dannii you are so lucky that i respect simon enough to not tell the truth about what really happened. wa wa wa you poor middle aged victum’

This, of course, saw Dannii’s fans leaping to her rescue (or, if you prefer, typing obscenities to a stranger after being angered at someone else being rude, thereby making the whole debacle a festival of hypocritical shit-slinging).

Kelly explained herself:

“to the 12 dannii fans out there i ask you this question what would you do if someone wrote a book of lies about your mother?”

“i think you all forget i was there i saw everything and if my mum was the “bully” why was she the one the left the show?”

“sorry i have just had to deal with this bulls**t 4 years and i have kept my mouth shut but i am sick and tired of her lies enough is enough.”

Then, finishing with a flourish, she closed with:

“what the f**k is wrong with some of you people its not just some friend i am defending its my MOTHER!!!!!”

Isn’t twitter a wonderful tool for making celebrities go stir-mental?

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Cushion faced TV and media mollusc, Piers Morgan, is bafflingly successful. He’s a man of no discernible talent who, oddly, is asked for his opinion on popular culture despite the fact he looks like he’s dressed by the same tailor who throws clothes at Jeremy Clarkson.

As well as claiming to be good at stuff, he’s now claiming that it was in fact he who got Dannii Minogue pregnant. Imagine that? Imagine Piers Morgan hunkering down on Dannii Minogue. Think of each grotesque little squirting detail. Go on.

Anyway, I’m not sure having a fiddle over her ill-advised nudey calendar that she released in the late ’90s counts, eh Piers? Oh… hang on… 

Of course, this is all one big wheeze from the suet faced TV chump!

As well you know (don’t pretend you don’t) the lesser-Minogue and her partner Kris Smith recently celebrated the birth of their first child Ethan.

Minogue made an appearance on Morgan’s Life Stories series last year, and now boiled cabbage Morgan says that the dates all add up.

“I effectively made Dannii Minogue pregnant because you may recall I interviewed her for my Life Stories show and asked her, ‘Do you think you may want to have children soon?’ and when it was announced she was pregnant and three months pregnant, I got my diary out and realised it was three months to the day since my interview!”

HAW HAW HAW!

Now pay child support you needlessly wealthy twerp.

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There was a rumour floating around yesterday that Dannii Minogue had signed a brand new million-pound record deal.

You probably reacted just like we did – by losing all sense of perspective, wrapping yourself in as much carpet as you could find and trying to convince the operator of the nearest industrial woodchipper that you were actually a tree. The world is full of bad things, but none are quite as bad as the thought of Dannii Minogue becoming a singer again – not least a singer with an X Factor level of exposure.

Fortunately, though, it’s not true. Step down from the ledge. Switch off the gas. Remove the carpet. Dannii Minogue has denied the rumours. There is no record deal. But there is a clothing line, a reality show and a continued presence on X Factor, so it’s not all sunshine and monkeys.

Speaking objectively, it’d make sense for Dannii Minogue to sign a record deal. After all, she’s an X Factor judge, and X Factor treats its judges right. Look at Cheryl Cole – Fight For This Love was played endlessly on the show in the run-up to its release, and no doubt that if Louis Walsh ever decided to become a singer, he’d also be allowed to dress up like a Flashdance Nazi and perform a sub-Janet Jackson routine to his first single during a results show as well. And the same would obviously go for Dannii Minogue.

That’s why it wasn’t a surprise yesterday to hear that Dannii had signed a million-pound record deal with Ministry Of Sound and that she was making an ITV2 reality show about it. Yes, she’s pregnant, but that didn’t make anyone question the deal – since when has pregnancy stopped anyone from providing anonymous vocals on a selection of painfully outdated dance tracks?

Sadly, though, the news turned out to be a big lie – one that Dannii Minogue was only too happy to correct on her Twitter account:

Sunday Mirror not quite right… Haven’t signed with record label. ITV2 doco about launching #ProjectD #fashion range.

In the end, what with X Factor, her clothing line, the reality show about her clothing line and her new baby, Dannii Minogue would have simply been too busy to relaunch her music career at this time. And that’s why we have to make sure that a) Dannii Minogue wins X Factor again, b) everyone loves Dannii Minogue’s clothing line and watches the reality show and c) Dannii Minogue remains pregnant for the rest of her life. It sounds like hard work – but if it’s the only way to stop her releasing music, it’s easily worth the effort.

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10 – Like cheese? Like human breast milk? Then boy oh boy, have we got the perfect delicacy for you! - Monsters And Critics

9 - Like cats? Like puns? Like reading cat puns on your iPhone? Then boy oh boy, you probably need the Witty Kitty iPhone app! – Lobstur

8 – A website called Lazertits. Without exaggeration, it will change your life – LAZERTITS

7 – James Corden in ‘not very good’ shock – Watch With Mothers

6 - Oh Ryan and Tatum O’Neil, we much preferred you both when you were estranged - Bestweekever

5 - Danni Minogue is now so pregnant that the only thing that’ll fit her is a second-hand muppet costume – Amy Grindhouse

4 - Ha ha ha Mark Owen ha ha ha – Popsugar

3 - Sunglasses that probably won’t make you look like too much of a twat, even though it’s only bloody March - Clothesonfilm

2 – Prince Philip is the most awesome man who has ever lived. We wish we were him SO BADLY – Asylum

1 - The Trolololo man reviews Trolololo YouTube parodies. He is so wonderful…

Good news – the X Factor live finals are back! Better news – Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.

But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too – one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can’t wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians.

But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?

Rachel Adedeji - Rachel’s obviously a bright girl, because she left university to appear on X Factor. It’s a smart move because, while graduating from university is likely to increase your earning potential, most people who go on X Factor end up bitterly playing to tiny groups of disinterested pensioners in Welsh caravan parks for the rest of their miserable lives. Anyway, on Saturday’s X Factor, Rachel did a sort of muffled version of Let Me Entertain You accompanied by about 50 nightmarish mime artists who looked as if they’d like nothing better than to abduct your children and eat them. Horrible.

Kandy Rain – As well as being the first act out, Kandy Rain were the first act to kickstart a controversy on X Factor when, after their admittedly awful performance of Addicted To Love, Cheryl Cole essentially told them that they dressed like sluts. This caused Simon Cowell to remind Cheryl that she only got famous because she dressed like a slut too, which isn’t strictly true. In actual fact, Cheryl Cole got famous by dressing like a slut and by screeching violent racial epithets at nightclub toilet attendants. Get your facts straight, Simon. Yeesh.

Olly Murs – So Olly Murs desperately wants to be Robbie Williams, and Robbie Williams was the guest mentor on Saturday’s X Factor. So what did Olly sing? That’s right – a Robbie Williams song. In the style of Robbie Williams. On the plus side, Robbie Williams did say that he wanted to be friends with Olly, but that’s only because Olly is exactly like Robbie Williams and Robbie Williams looks like the sort of person who masturbates to pictures of himself. Fact.

Rikki Loney – On Saturday’s X Factor, Rikki performed Back To Black by Amy Winehouse and wasn’t particularly good. However, that’s not what we want to talk about. We want to talk about all of Rikki Loney’s poxy hats. We’re starting to believe that Rikki uses hats as a kind of personality substitute. And if that’s the case, it works. Because we do think that Rikki has a personality – it’s the personality of a dickhead who wears too many stupid hats.

Stacey Solomon – On Saturday’s X Factor, Stacey Solomon performed The Scientist by Coldplay, and was promptly complimented by all the judges for her brave choice of song. It just goes to show how dull X Factor is when a ballad by the world’s dreariest bunch of namby-pamby pissbags gets held up as a leftfield experimental voyage into the terrifying unknown. Maybe next week Stacey Solomon will sing a Keane song and Louis Walsh will have an aneurysm. Who knows?

Miss Frank - We’ve never really hidden our desire to see Miss Frank win X Factor. And we’re still standing by that following Saturday’s show – their rendition of Who’s Loving You was timeless and soulful and actually pretty amazing. We hesitate to call perfect, because the one in the middle didn’t arbitrarily break off and start rapping in a foreign language halfway through, but it was close enough for now.

Jamie Archer – Jamie Archer is a big-haired titsack who we dislike for any number of reasons, like the way that his version of Get It On was a pile of dreadful, overblown guff and the way that we can’t help feeling as if he’s probably Jamie Oliver’s favourite contestant. However, Jamie shouldn’t leave X Factor just yet, because he’s the star of our new favourite X Factor game – the How Many Times Will Jamie Archer Interrupt His Own Song To Bellow ‘Come On’ At The Studio Audience game. On Saturday’s X Factor it was twice. Can he beat this next week? We hope so. We believe in you, Jamie. WE BELIEVE IN YOU.

Lloyd Daniels – A theory: if hair straighteners were banned tomorrow, Lloyd would never stand a chance of winning X Factor. Because that’s all he is – a silly haircut plopped on top of the world’s dullest boy. On Saturday, his X Factor performance of Cry Me A River was lifeless and lacklustre and anaemic and only livened up by the mental dancer next to him who kept flinging herself around like she was on fire. The judges don’t like him. The musical directors don’t like him. Robbie Williams didn’t seem to like him. But despite all this we get the feeling that Lloyd’s going to go far. It’s a very silly haircut, after all.

Lucie Jones – Lucie is pretty, has a pretty voice and can sing ballads quite well. On Saturday’s X Factor pretty Lucie used her pretty voice to sing a ballad. We’re probably going be cutting and pasting that last sentence into every X Factor recap we write about Lucie from now on, because we get the feeling that she’ll be doing that a lot.

John & Edward - This year’s designated hate targets, John & Edward used Saturday’s X Factor to perform Rock DJ. And you know what? It wasn’t terrible. Now, was that because our expectations of them are so low that we’d be pleasantly surprised if they managed to go for two minutes without kicking a puppy in the ribcage or curling out a turd on the stage? Well, yes. Duh.

Joe McElderry – Joe McElderry is such a gaping charisma vacuum that he may as well not even exist. Case in point: on Saturday’s X Factor, Joe performed No Regrets as if he was auditioning for Robbie Williams: The Musical. It was dire, but on the plus side at least now we know what it’s like to see a desperately bitter song performed by a grinning toddler. So that’s something.

Danyl Johnson - Outed by Dannii Minogue following his performance of And I Am Telling You, to his obvious distress. It’s important to remember that Danyl is a teacher, and this sort of muck-spreading is bound to have a number of upsetting ramifications for him. Although, you know, if Danyl has got this far through his career in education without being the target of merciless bullying from his pupils, then his pupils obviously aren’t trying hard enough. Kids these days, eh? They don’t know they’re born.

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What’s that smell?

Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man’s syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You’re bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says ‘I love you’ like rating your partner’s performance in the sack.

No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You’ll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.

The personality cult has hit an all-time low. Forget about the talent, it’s all about the talent-show judge: Someone who can’t sing… but knows what good singing sounds like. “What about Cheryl Cole?” you ask. Yeah OK, she’s behind a desk and she’s not paid to think. She’s paid to endorse products, like Geordie handbags, crap shampoo or TV show perfumes. Cheryl and the other panel members each reportedly earnt £250,000 for selling their smells. We thought we’d give you an idea of what’s in store:

Eau de Simon Cowell: Crisp banknotes blended with petals of egomania and the backside of Sharon Osbourne, this fragrance suits a particularly useless breed of human being, but one with character. Loaded with special pheromones that attract gold-diggers and industry psychopaths.

Essence of Walsh: Irish bog-water and Kensington High Street combine for a special one-off whiff of Louis, designed for two-faced nice guy types who ‘just wanna help you out’. Wearing the Essence of Walsh will get you out of anything. Anything.

Cole 187: A lovely mix of Byker Grove, girl-band knickers and cyanide that changes your voice and somehow makes you less attractive, especially if you’re married. Want to put a stop to those pesky one-liners? Go for Cole 187, it’s absolutely lethal.

Dannii Miasma: Smell like your sister with this refreshing and flirty outback musk. Made from ethically sourced children and crocodile oil, Dannii Miasma can summon your siblings at will. Especially useful when you need a second opinion or some backup in a scrap.

After meeting with experts to discuss their odours this week, the four will release fragrances under the X Factor brand name in time for Christmas, parting thousands of idiots with their money. Simon Cowell is rumoured to be smug about his man-smell, as one source revealed:

“Simon says his will be the top-seller – he’s already winding the other three up.”

Jade Goody musicals, X Factor fragrances… What’s next? We think that saving money has never been more attractive.

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And so it was the weekend when the big pulsating brains behind X Factor decided that they might as well do two shows in two days. That equals around three hours of hot singing action, plus judges comments. Dannii Minogue, fast receding into the background, has ceased to say anything of worth, and the occasional flashes to her still, eerie face have carved her a niche as the only subliminal judge on the panel.

The other three still cast their important judgements, and Cheryl has now taken to the stage on at least three occasions to hug the weeping contestants, much like Mother Teresa would, had she ever been given the chance to get out of the slums to judge a singing contest instead. She’s dead now, bless her. Has been for ages.

Of this weekend’s stand out contestants, there was a prison worker who looked like she was on the game. She’s called Faye. She made Simon’s loins go all funny. There was a band called Harmony Hood, who looked like they’d shiv you in the neck. A big lump of a woman had a bash at Janis Joplin, as her granny looked on wearing a humiliating pink vest. And a couple of Pontins maniacs called It Takez 2 plundered their way through some rubbish song, then had a bit of a cry, because they love each other to bits.

During the second helping, one of the tits from One True Voice has reinvented himself as a father-of-two by having unprotected sex with his girlfriend – and now he’s decided that the only way to stop the little blighters from damn near starving to death is to become a pop star. He has, it seems, a rather short memory. A girl called Amy was the recipient of a limp Cheryl cuddle after she started crying because no one liked her singing. She then blubbed so much that everyone changed from “no” to “yes”. An autistic man got through, prompting Cheryl to question in her head whatever could be wrong with being “artistic” anyway. And to cap a fine series of auditions, a genuine street criminal did a love song. It was very moving.

Plus, of course, there were the usual rabble of unfortunates with genuine mental health problems, wheeled out in front of the studio audience to sing from their cages. Particularly jeered were Jarrod Morrison, who took his top off to reveal the body of a hungry prisoner of war. A set of first cousins, who had clearly used “singing practice” as an excuse to secretly practice kissing without their family knowing. Eyebrows will surely be raised in that particular household now. Plus there was the old woman who wanted to have sex with Simon. She was rubbish.

Great stuff.

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Just like Christmas, Easter, St George’s Day and the mourning of our office hamster, X Factor has made its mark and become a regular calendar fixture.

Entering series number six, the programme will once again whittle down a select few hopefuls from hundreds of thousands and give them the belief they’ll win an elusive record deal.

And for the rejects? Well for a good five weeks ITV can boost its audience share by editing together programmes that contain utterly shoddy performers. Will there be tears? Burly council estate dads threatening the judges when their tubby daughter is rejected? Quite likely yes, but will there be Japanese monkeys wheeled in to work with the chosen few in bootcamp? We don’t really know, which is why we present our predictions for X Factor 2009.

It would be brilliant if X Factor could be tied up in one neat little package that lasted about a month. Sadly this isn’t going to happen and quite likely, the show will be dragged kicking and screaming into December. By then the contestants will have completed their ‘country & western’, ‘traditional North Korean spoken word’ and ‘90’s acid house’ theme week performances.

Based on five previous series of X Factor, knowing the judges and the way people react to the show, we will know have a stab at guessing what’s going to happen. Don’t go down the betting shop at once now; they’ll assume you’ll have insider information.

• They’ll be a sob story. Every pissing year we are treated to a range of tales that are designed to soften us up and make the judges cut them some slack. From “My dog Brian just got ran over in the car park” to “If I don’t win I won’t be allowed back in my flat” they’ve all been used before. Throw in some soft music and slow motion and you’re there.

• After escaping the sinking ship that is Big Brother, Dermot O’Leary will attempt to build tension and fail miserably. During the audition stages, he’ll try not to laugh at people who have no chance of winning and be used as a human cushion from crushed rejects.

• Simon Cowell will say “you’re the best thing I’ve ever heard.” Amazingly, he said this in series one, two, three, four and five. He also said it on the sly in American Idol. But we’ll forgive him. The main is so rich he can probably ejaculate money. No doubt he’ll make crap put-down comments to rivals and be a total arse as usual, too.

• Aww it’s Cheryl Cole. Nearly everyone in the world loves her. Before Cheryl, there was Sharon Osbourne. Thankfully this replacement worked as now we can look at pretty Cheryl all day. Shame she is married to a bellend footballer. Honest, we’d like to just be in her company and tell her how ace she is. Erm… oh yeah, and she’ll quite likely have the winning act.

• Louis Walsh will continue to have old man moments. By this, we mean he’ll forget where he is and get upset easily when someone slags him off. Louis will also mention he has something to do with Westlife approximately four billion times during each episode.

• Urghh, it’s whiney Dannii Minogue. Why can’t the bosses trade her in for a better model who’d be prettier, less complaining and more charismatic than a cloth? Oh wait, they can! Please get her sister Kylie in. As per normal, she cling on to the show until The Daily Star launch a campaign to get her out so she can go back to releasing crap dance records,

• Guest performers! Rumour is rife that Madonna is going to make an appearance on the show. However, a hidden rule means that the loser on the night gets to be abducted by Madge and join her other African playthings. Michael Jackson was meant to be visiting too, but probably not in Thriller form now.

• It’ll be full of morons. From pensioners nearing death to the obese making music from their gut, we’ll see them all. 95% of people who go to audition sing in front of eleven people at crap karaoke bars and assume a limp applause means they’re mega!

• At the end of it all, we won’t remember what the winner will do. So far, only Leona Lewis has conquered the charts in the UK and USA. Last year’s winner Alexandra Burke has gone quiet and previous winner Leon Jackson has been abandoned by record company bosses. Now you can buy his tears in 500ml bottles for £4 in certain branches of Aldi.

Phew, and that seems to be about it really. Don’t bloody get us started on Strictly Come Dancing, that’s another kettle of onions altogether. The BBC’s move to make Alesha Dixon their version of Cheryl Cole will quite likely go wrong.

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If you ever meet our fisherman friend Mike The Pike, it’ll take him about two minutes to mention his greatest achievement.

Spreading his arms wide he’ll say he caught Untanga, the beast of the local lake. Sadly though, it was the one that got away and he only caught an abandoned shopping trolley.

Sharon Osborne has something in common with our friend. Ever since she left X Factor, everyone has lost interest in her. But don’t worry, Sharon is trying to reignite a war with another one of the programme’s boring additions – Dannii Minogue. We can’t confirm or deny if Sharon reeks of fish like Mike The Pike”. Only Ozzy knows that.

In the 2008 series of X Factor, there was a slight mix-up on the judging panel. Music’s worst enemy Simon Cowell remained to sink his demonic claws in to some young-faced hopeful, Louis Walsh chipped in occasionally with his jolly Irish twang and the less successful Minogue sister was just thankful she didn’t have to join the line at the dole office.

Sadly though, changes have to be made and water-throwing Sharon Osborne had to go. She’d already thrown a strop earlier in the series when she walked off the show after all her shitty acts got voted out in the first few weeks. Being offered a measly £1.6million wasn’t enough for Sharon to endure some boring Australian for another year and she decided to bugger off and run her mouth on other reality shows like America’s Got Talent.

But X Factor got a new judge and a few extra viewers as millions of perverts tuned in to see the lovely Cheryl Cole. Watching it with the sound down was good enough for us as we gazed in awe at Cheryl’s lovely face. So was Sharon Osborne pissed off that they replaced her with a much nicer-looking judge and forced Dannii to become the older, wrinkly and annoying women?

Well kind of…

Like some sort of messed-up plot of Hollyoaks or Skins with random drugs thrown in, Sharon thinks Dannii is only using the show as a tool to get into Simon Cowell’s pants. Meanwhile Leona Lewis is crying in the corner because she hasn’t been moulded completely into an American singer and has been told she must instead look like a horse. OK, not all of that may be true but the accusation of Dannii going after Simon’s nutsack apparently is.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, who no doubt managed to somehow make the questions relate to him, Sharon said:

“All Dannii wanted to do was fuck Simon Cowell. That’s why she’s on the show.”

Great. We think. We expect a swift attack from Dannii as she finds out where Sharon lives and hides all her shoes. Ha! That’ll teach her. Thers’ nothing like a schoolgirl slagging match. Before we know it, they’ll be pulling each other’s hair extensions and fake noses off behind the bike sheds.

By the time the new series of X Factor rolls round, we expect Louis Walsh to be replaced by Robocop and Simon Cowell to still be there but in the form of a giant arse that he slowly disappears up. But as long as lovely Cheryl is there we don’t mind. She can do no wrong. Apart from ignoring our calls.

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The live X Factor finals start tomorrow, which we’re giddy about because it means we get to watch the exact same thing every week until we want to die.

However, there’s just one little thing that could derail the entire show, and that’s that the X Factor judges are being great big babies. According to reports, X Factor judges Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole are all fighting because some of them don’t want to sit next to other judges and one of them has a slightly bigger dressing room than the rest.

What’s more, Cheryl Cole doesn’t like Louis Walsh because he’s got BO, and Louis Walsh doesn’t like Dannii Minogue because she keeps her lunch inside an ice cream tub instead of a real lunchbox like he does, and Dannii Minogue heard Carly Robinson from 7F tell her best friend’s cousin that Cheryl Cole had nits and was a lesbian IDST.

We’ll admit that we haven’t really been paying attention to X Factor this year. That’s mainly because, whenever we’ve tried to watch it, someone has been crying. If the contestants aren’t crying because they’re happy or because they’re sad or because their dead rabbit’s last wish was for them to enter X Factor and it’ll never get to see them succeed, then Cheryl Cole’s crying because, like, getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to tell a bad singer that they’re bad at singing is the most difficult thing she’s ever had to do.

And if neither of those are happening, then chances are we’re crying because X Factor is shit and it makes us want to kill ourselves.

Tomorrow sees the start of the X Factor live finals – the culmination of months of hard work after which one lucky contender, if they believe in themselves and strive to be the best they can be, might wind up a tenth as famous as Chico.

However, it’s been reported that tensions between the X Factor judges might threaten to tear the entire show apart, and it’s all down to who sits next to who and who and who gets the biggest dressing room. Apparently, the biggest faultlines lay between the following:

Louis Walsh – An X Factor stalwart, Louis Walsh has been on the show since the beginning, apart from the time when he decided to spuriously resign for a week and the other time when Simon Cowell fired him for about 30 minutes. Louis Walsh doesn’t like fellow X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, because he’s loyal to previous X Factor judge Sharon Osbourne – who Dannii didn’t get on with – even though it was Sharon Osbourne who once threw a glass of water over Louis on a live TV show.

Dannii Minogue - Unfamous sister of Kylie Minogue, Dannii Minogue joined X Factor last year and didn’t get on with Sharon Osbourne because Sharon went on TV with clingfilm wrapped around her head and Dannii thought she was mocking her heavily botoxed face. After the rift caused Sharon to leave X Factor, Dannii Minogue decided she also didn’t like her replacement Cheryl Cole, because Cheryl Cole is young and pretty and sexy and Dannii Minogue was supposed to be the young, pretty sexy one on X Factor even though she’s almost 40 and has a face like a brass doorhandle. Dannii also doesn’t get on with Louis Walsh because, oh, who cares.

Cheryl Cole – Nobody likes Cheryl Cole because she cries all the bastard time.

Got all that? Good. Now here’s The Mirror to explain their new scrap:

Dannii Minogue insists she should sit apart from Louis Walsh – and the feeling is mutual. But all-powerful Simon, 49, likes to sit next to this year’s new girl Cheryl Cole, 25. A source explained: “Dannii is fuming she is placed next to Louis. The pair are well known for their disagreements and both are not keen on having to sit next to each until Christmas. Simon wants Cheryl beside him – but she wants to sit beside Louis!”

What’s more, there’s one dressing room in the X Factor studios that’s slightly bigger than the others, and Louis, Dannii and Cheryl all apparently want it. And we’re promised that these arguments are real, and really could put the future of X Factor in jeopardy. You know, just like how they’re real every year and aren’t just a way of getting people to stop watching Strictly Come Dancing.

Still, whatever stops people from remember they’re going to have to spend the next three months of their lives watching endless piss-weak Whitney Houston karaoke, eh?