Harry Potter star, Harry Potter (or, Daniel Radcliffe as his mum refers to him when she’s shouting abuse up the stairs) is a wimp of the highest order. Why? Because wickle Dan Dan can’t handle his ale.

And he’s proud to admit it.

Apparently, Radcliffe had a drink problem. The problem was that, every single stinkin’ time he drank some lovely booze, he’d ‘black out’. Get that! He didn’t pass out a few times. He blacked out so frequently it became ‘his thing’. What a wimp. He probably passes out after eating those horrible chocolates with liqueurs inside them.

When asked if he had ‘fun drunken nights out’ before giving up alcohol in August 2010, Radcliffe said:

“Yeah, but I can’t remember them. Seriously, in the last three years of drinking I blacked out nearly every time. Blacking out was my thing.”

This reeks of someone wanting to paste an edge onto themselves doesn’t it? When lacking in personality, get yourself a problem. It’s definitely a thing – just look at half of twitter pretending to be socially awkward.

And Radcliffe’s problems didn’t end there. He was so concerned with his behaviour when he’d been having a nice glug that he became ‘a recluse at 20’, drinking alone at home like a sad old soak.

‘The drinking was unhealthy and damaging to my body and my social life. That’s beyond question… I was living in constant fear of who I’d meet, what I might have said to them, what I might have done with them, so I’d stay in my apartment for days and drink alone.”

“I was a recluse at 20. It was pathetic – it wasn’t me. I’m a fun, polite person and it turned me into a rude bore. For a long time people were saying to me, “We think you have a problem,” but in the end I had to come to the realisation myself.”

And so, what did Daniel do? He talked to Gary Oldman of course!

“I did talk to him about it once. I didn’t say I had a problem -–because I didn’t think I did at that point – but I told him I shared that mentality he had for actively seeking out chaos.”

“He just said, “You can’t keep doing this. You’ve got too much to lose”. And that really went in. But not even he could have stopped me alone – I had to stop myself.”

“And stopping has shown me a world of happiness that I didn’t think was possible.”

Gah. Sounds like someone’s about to find religion, doesn’t it? Still, America will love this chat, mainly because they’ve got a gigantic problem with those who take a little refreshment on a night out.

Meanwhile, Europe raises a glass like a massive tough guy.

We all love the Harry Potter don’t we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price’s vagina.

All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don’t they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They’ll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.

We’re romantics at heart aren’t we?

Well, someone who they won’t be throwing an intervention for is Rupert Grint, who, according to Harry Potter Himself is a smelly git.

Daniel Radcliffe has taken a break from getting his penis out to publicly bitchslap his co-star while at the same time, blow so much smoke up Emma Watson’s vagina that she’s starting to resemble a wigwam when she walks.

“If I see him every six months or so, it’s a friendly ‘hello, how’s things with you’ but that’s about it. I’m just going to put it out there, Emma and I text all the time but Rupert and I never text each other, we never see each other.”

Remember when girls at school would freeze out one of the clique because she had a Polly Pocket duvet cover when everyone else was into My Little Pony? This is just the same. Grint doesn’t want to be a luvvy and whack his schlong out at every opportunity and thusly, has been froze out.

Or maybe it’s just because he’s meant to be a fat pothead now.

Apparently, only Radcliffe and Grint know what the problem is, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t speculate wildly about a complex threeway with Emma Watson that just got so heavy, even though they said that it wouldn’t.

This news will come as a shock to massive fans of homo-Harry Potter-fanfic, but we’ll be round in a few minutes to throw an intervention. Or maybe you could do us a favour and kill yourself now?

There’s a good girl.

Puny Disney milktoast, Nick Jonas, is so lacking in edge that he’s akin to some amorphous blob with eyebrows. However, it is vitally important that young women fancy him, or else he loses all sense of value to his team.

So what can he do? How can he aimlessly wander into the fantasies of pre-pubescent women again? There must be something!

Hey! What’s this? Here’s a news story about Nick Jonas feeling that he’s “open” to the idea of going naked on stage. How useful!

If you didn’t know, Nick Jonas (chances are, you’re still wondering who the hell he is – suffice to say, The Jonas Brothers have occupied a million teenage wanks and that’s all you need to know) is taking over from Daniel Radcliffe in the Broadway show ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’.

In that play, Daniel Radcliffe showed everyone his genitals. Everyone couldn’t quite believe a human could be that pale without being certified dead. Apart from the Celts of the world who actually thought he looked ‘quite tanned’.

And so, will Jonas Brother be showing everyone what he’s been hiding in his underpants all this time? Well, he’s not against it. Putrid.

“I love theatre and I understand the difference between acting and who you are as a person.”

“I don’t know that it’s something I would’ve done in the end, but I definitely would’ve considered it. You have to be open to everything.”

Realising that his young fans will, at some point, grow out of him, Nick Jonas threw a wink to the gays in the hope he can spin silk from his sow’s ear.

“We love our gay fans. It was definitely cool when we realised that, because the more you can grow your audience, the more people you can impact.”

“They’ve been incredible over the years. My brothers and I totally look forward to meeting them, because they really respond to our style, and it’s cool to see how our influence has impacted what they’re wearing.”

“They also give really good gifts at our meet-and-greets — hats, scarves, and other things. They always have good taste.”

Oh, there you have it.

Ever looked at Daniel Radcliffe’s face and thought to yourself: ‘That looks exactly like the kind of thing I’ve been after, especially regarding the absorbing of my faecal matter’. Well have you? If not, then you’re stupid.

Why?

Well, that’s because you can now completely and legally wipe your mucky hoon on Daniel Radcliffe’s face. Obviously, the Harry Potter star isn’t particularly thrilled about it, but that matters not because his world is about to become rather 2 Girls 1 Cup and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Naturally, this isn’t a call-to-arms, with us expressing our will for you, dear reader, to go and defecate on an actor’s face. Rather, Radcliffe has just found out that his Harry Potter face is going to be plastered over some toilet roll thanks to the lovely marketing bosses of the Potter franchise.

Daniel says:

“I have heard my face is on toilet paper, which is really not pleasant. But I haven’t seen it and I don’t know if that is much of a compliment. The guys from American Pie had their faces on condoms. I know you can get Barack Obama condoms, although they haven’t done that for us yet. I don’t think it would be appropriate.”

You’ll have to move to somewhere like Thailand or Vietnam to get the chance to wipe your hole on Daniel Radcliffe’s face, but anything goes over there doesn’t it?

Radders continued:

“I have nothing to do with the merchandising and marketing of the films. Any actor is involved in their performance but not that side of things. It is something you become a little blasé about to a degree because it was a job but I pinch myself and think that I have an amazing job.”

Shut up and let us shit on your face.

Thousands of Harry Potter fans with nothing better to do decided to stand in a queue all night while the heavens opened on them, making them wetter than Ron Weasley’s demeanour. Trafalgar Square is now overrun with Potterists with the local council considering exterminating them like rats as they breed in the streets, birthing runts diseased with magic.

Of course, these poor souls stood beneath the rainclouds ahead of the world premiere of the final instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (pt 2), posing the question – why not wait a couple of weeks and watch it online where you won’t get pneumonia from sleeping like tramps in the road?

Naturally, they’ll be hanging around to see the cast, which includes recovering alcoholic Daniel Radcliffe and Emma ‘Are We Still Calling It A New Haircut?’ Watson. It’ll be thrilling for the stars to meet their fans, who will, by the time it gets to this evening,  smell so bad that even a botfly would vomit in their presence, refusing to lay their eggs in the foetid skin of the Potterites.

The film itself doesn’t see release ’til 15 July and it’d be hilarious if tonight’s premiere was postponed until then, just to test the fandom of the people in the streets right now, who invariably, have started a small scream which will gradually turn into a deafening, rasping shriek of wonderment.

Some of the 8,000 fans have been staking out their spot beside the red carpet since Monday, with some fools travelling from China just to get crushed in a throng while Daniel Radcliffe walks by wishing he was drunk.

And one weird factoid surrounding this event is that the red carpet itself is three-quarters of a mile long. Seriously. That’s a long carpet. Unless they’ve just got Gene Simmons to unfurl his tongue for them to all pad down?

It’s all a bit weird for the stars though. Rupert Grint, who plays Ron, says:

“Back then I was so fearless and on such a high and nothing fazed me. A few years down the line you’re a bit more self-conscious – it’s that awkward stage you go though when you’re a teenager.”

Critics have preemptively praised the film, probably without having seen it. It’s better to do so because you can then hope that you’ll get more freebies from the studio and Potterists will buy your worthless rag in droves.

We’ve seen it. And it’s shit. (We’re just saying that to be contrary, but it definitely won’t be as good as Cannonball Run).

ARE YOU WALKING PAST THE PREMIERE TODAY? WHY NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF THE STUPID PEOPLE DOWN THERE AND TWEET IT TO US ON TWITTER? ADDRESS BELOW. STUPIDEST PICTURE WINS A PRIZE.

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Daniel Radcliffe seems like a nice chap doesn’t he? That’s despite that fact he got naked once and showed everyone his ghastly, sinewy, gym-honed body which made him look like a pale He-Man figure (didn’t see it? Click here at your peril).

How does someone get the confidence to derobe before the public’s eyes? Easy. Get absolutely hammered ’til your liver starts to hurt.

See, what you didn’t know about the Harry Potter star is that he had a drink-problem. These days, he’s tee-total. The odd thing about that is, is that he’s no more or less interesting than he was when he was hitting the sauce with an impressive regularity.

Radcliffe says:

“I became so reliant on alcohol to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamoured with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.

“I really got away with that because there were many instances when a paparazzi shot like that could have been taken.”

Drinking to have a good time? That’s wimpish talk. The hecklerspray writers drink heavily to become more maudlin than when we’re sober. Still, Radcliffe seems irritatingly happy now.

“I’m actually enjoying the fact I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I’m really pleasant and I’m not fucking up totally all the time. As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me.

“I do that very unsuccessfully. I’d just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that’s been the realisation of the past few years for me.”

PARDON?! There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life?! That is utterly appalling, shame-filling talk! We want our celebrities to be jaundiced and in a constant state of disrepair, falling face-first out of nightclubs and being sick into their expensive clutch bags!

Radcliffe. You have some work to do. Get addicted to sexy auto-asphyxia or something! Or heroin! ANYTHING! PLEASE! WE NEED TO WRITE ABOUT YOU WHILE THAT STUPID DEATHLY HALLOWS PT 2 COMES OUT! DON’T MAKE US EARN OUR ARTICLES!

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Howdy pardners! Emma ‘YeeHaw’ Watson is in the good ol’ U S of A to work on her American doodle dandy accent for a role in ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’, which is one of those varmint adaptation of the hella controversial book doobry  about teenage life and sexuality.

Whyayeoudda!

As you critters can see, we Limeys are rootin’ and tootin’ when it comes to doing the American accent! We can all do the New Yoik accent too. We even have the punchline, but not the joke, for a New Yoik accent joke about dolphins. The punchline is ‘they were suffering from crossed porpoises’. And so, like, Emma Watson will like, toootally be great at doing, like, an American accent, like. She ain’t so sure.

When taking a break from the shoot of ‘Wallflower’, she spoke of doing the accent.

“I was really nervous! I think it sounded terrible.”

However, dudes and dudettes, she’s totally optimistic in a bodacious way.

“Having been out in Pittsburgh for four weeks — it’s OK. It’s good. I’m hopeful about it.”

All she has to do now, to really become Apple Pie, it to develop an unhealthy loathing of Mexicans, buy a gun and start believing in Jesus Christ.

Easy.

Now here’s Emma trying an American accent a while back with the rest of the Harry Potter cast who are all irritatingly charming.

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In a shocking revelation this week, pop entity Cheryl Cole laid down the gauntlet to that lassie from Harry Potter that it’s now all right to fancy, Emma Watson. Harry Potter girl has been accused by former Girls Aloud star and alleged racist Cheryl of stealing her Style Crown, given to her by Glamour Magazine for being the world’s best dressed woman

The Harry Potter star has topped Glamour’s 9th Annual Best Dressed Woman List, beating renowned malaria sufferer Cole and Twilight actress Kristen… Kristen… uhh… yeah, that lassie out of Twilight to the top spot.

The other female X Factor judge Dannii Minogue also makes the most pointless top 10 list since a hecklerspray advertorial along with Rihanna and some bimbo from Glee.

Cheryl Cole was supposedly so incensed at the literal theft of the ‘Best Dressed Woman’ crown from her walled mansion that she immediately hired a team of private investigators to track it down.

They supposedly found a long paper-trail of editorial emails hidden in the servers of Glamour Magazine stating that the crown would be stolen back from Cole in order to present it to Emma Watson who, by some numerical miracle, had managed to actually win the (supposedly) coveted title.

When confronted with the information, Glamour Magazine instantly folded its offices down to the size of an envelope and flushed itself down a nearby public lavatory leading conspiracy theorists to wail pointlessly that Glamour might be ‘in the pocket’ of a certain boy wizard and his friends, which would explain Watson’s sudden and unexpected victory.

Cheryl, being the incredibly rational human being that she is, has supposedly laid down the gauntlet (in this case believed to be a single Burberry glove) to Watson and challenged her to an all-out scrap with no rules and hair-pulling very much on the agenda. She wants her crown back and is willing to get in the ring to do it. Many celebrity commentators are already predicting a win for the peevish Geordie over the Franco-Oxfordian Watson.

Here at hecklerspray, we don’t like to comment on celebrity fights but even we have to admit, on previous form, Cheryl Cole does seem to have the upper hand and, most likely, the upper-cut. Will she take her crown back? Who cares?

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Oi! People who like Harry Potter! It’s the trailer for the thing you’ve all been waiting for! That’s right kiddiekins (and adultkins as well), the final instalment from Hogwarts is upon us with Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2 looking rather explodey.

In the trailer, which you can see over the jump, you’ll see Harry squaring up to Lord Voldemort who still hasn’t found his nose. No matter though, because what the baddies lack in noses, they make up for with gigantic fire-breathing monsters.

And the flick seems to be keen to go out with a bang, which is remarkable seeing as the early books/films were so twee. This is going to give some kids nightmares. And nightmares are great.

Like all Potter films, half of the British equity members will be appearing, with Helena Bonham Carter, Robbie Coltrane, Tom Felton, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson, Richard Griffiths, John Hurt, Jason Isaacs, Helen McCrory, Bill Nighy, Miranda Richardson and Alan Rickman all showing their faces.

Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson et al, will all be on the red carpet in London when the film opens on July 7th in what is one of the most highly anticipated films in recent memory.

And so, sneering naysayers (our favourite type of human), you have a few weeks to brush up on your cusses about the film and how awful it is that adults are reading books designed for children (unless it’s Alice In Wonderland or The Little Prince, which are socially acceptable children’s books which adults can delve into).

Here’s the expensive looking trailer.

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This week in cool and crap.

Folded:

• Daniel Radcliffe seems right up for a laugh (good on him for not taking the shinola too seriously)
• Advent (providing you have this advent calendar it’s the most wonderful time of the year)
• Twenty minutes of soundtrack brilliance (buy the whole thing on 7th December. Money well spent, kids)
• Baggs ‘The Brand’ (gawd help us, he’s becoming likeable)
• Farmers (heroes at this time of year; blighters who pull out in front of you on tight country lanes any other)

Creased:

• Leslie Nielson RIP (we’ve done all the jokes, so find yourself a copy of The Naked Gun and watch him do them better)
• Christmas is just 22 days away (and you haven’t bought a thing, HAVE YOU?!)
• Snow in London (it’s the end of the world!!!!)
• Cheap mulled wine (listen, pubs and bars, it takes more than just heating a bottle of Lindeman’s over the stove and popping in an orange segment, ok?)
• Anne Hathaway and James Franco to host next year’s Academy Awards (if you don’t care about this story you’re a heartless fiend)

Girls, we have some bad news for you – it’s Daniel Radcliffe. He’s off the market. We know, it’s upsetting.

And a shock, too. Like you, we had always assumed that Daniel Radcliffe was one of those creepy asexual child stars who’d grow up collecting dolls and singing to dolls and carefully brushing the hair of the dolls every night because they’re the only ones who understand and they’d never leave him. But we were wrong. Apparently Daniel Radcliffe has found himself a girlfriend.

Her name is Olive Uniacke, and she’s the stepdaughter of the Harry Potter producer. But, girls, don’t hate Olive Uniacke. This isn’t the end of the world. After all, Rupert Grint is still on the market. Actually, you’re right, this might be the end of the world.

Even though he’s already spend several months of his life waggling his naked penis at thousands of strangers, it’s hard to think of Daniel Radcliffe as a sexual being. Try it. Try thinking of Daniel Radcliffe as a sexual being. You can’t, can you? Not without dry-heaving for six hours and then voluntarily placing yourself on the sex offender register.

It’s not a problem with the other Harry Potter stars. It’s easy to imagine Alan Rickman having sex, or Emma Watson having sex, or even Dobby The House Elf having graphic, eight-way intercourse in a dingy pub back room, but for some reason it’s impossible to think of Daniel Radcliffe that way. And we’ve tried. God knows that we’ve tried.

Shows what we know. Because, while we’ve been doubled over a toilet trying to exorcise the fictional mental image of Harry Potter’s testicles by unsuccessfully attempting to bring our dinner back up, Daniel Radcliffe has reportedly found himself a girlfriend. Her name is Olive Uniacke, they’ve apparently been inseparable for the last few weeks and, according to The Daily Mail, she’s as homely and as clean cut as you could imagine:

Olive is renowned for holding some of the best house parties, really great bashes. She can be quite wild. She loves to drink champagne, particularly Moet, and she chain-smokes Camel cigarettes. She also loves to go nightclubbing.

What? The harlot! How dare Olive Uniacke behave like a normal 19-year-old girl! Doesn’t she know that she’s Daniel Radcliffe’s girlfriend now, and that certain things are expected of her? Honestly Olive, he might have fallen for your bad girl ways at first, but if you want to keep Daniel Radcliffe, you need to change your ways fast. You should learn how to sing to dolls while brushing their hair. That’d be a good start.

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Between the budget, the oil spill and the football, this week has the potential to be the most depressing ever.

But wait. You haven’t heard the half of it. Daniel Radcliffe has given an interview to MTV where he genuinely used the phrase “I couldn’t make pop music like now, like what the kids of today like.” What the kids of today like. Daniel Radcliffe said that. Little Daniel Radcliffe. Little ten-year-old, apple-cheeked Daniel Radcliffe the magic wizard, talking about the generation gap between him and some children. We are all so very, very ancient.

Happily, though, Daniel Radcliffe does seem to be labouring under the impression that Justin Bieber is a girl. So it’s not all bad news, is it?

People see different things when they first see Justin Bieber. Some see a pop hero. Some see the cynical, injection-moulded construct of a desperate music industry. Some see an unholy mix between Peter Beale from EastEnders, a middle-aged lesbian and that little stabby goblin thing from Don’t Look Now. But not Daniel Radcliffe. Oh no, Daniel Radcliffe sees a pretty young maiden who he’d very much like to squire.

In the middle of an interview with MTV where he desperately tried to distance himself from Harry Potter by pretending not to know anything about things that people his age enjoy – like music and pop culture and presumably things like trainers and graffiti and ice cream and Tomy Water Games – Daniel Radcliffe let out this gem of a quote:

“I only heard Justin Beiber like for the first time like two weeks ago. I genuinely thought it was a woman singing. I’d never heard it before.”

OK, so Daniel Radcliffe only thought that Justin Bieber was a girl because of his voice. So that probably means he hasn’t actually seen him yet. That means we’re not too late. Perhaps we can still convince Daniel that Justin really is a girl – a girl with the hots for him.

Sure, they’re both from different sides of the tracks – Daniel Radcliffe likes books and poetry and Broadway musicals while Justin Bieber likes haircare and text messaging and pulling a different moronic hand sign every couple of minutes – but we really think that Daniel and Justin have got what it takes to go all the way. All the way. All the way.

Oh, wait, we’ve creeped ourselves out again. Sorry, everyone.

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Lost has finished, 24 has finished, U2 are crocked, nobody likes Justin Bieber any more – this is a time for endings.

That goes for Harry Potter, too. In six months, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be released – and that’ll be the last we hear of Harry Potter. Apart from the second part of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, which comes out six months later. But that’ll be the last we hear of Harry Potter. Apart from the theme park. And the conventions. And the 2025 made-for-TV reunion show put together to pay off Rupert Grint‘s tax bill, obviously.

But despite all this, filming is coming to an end on the Harry Potter series. And apparently the Harry Potter stars are quite sad about it. Who knew?

To most people, the Harry Potter films are just something they’re dragged to see every couple of years because they lack the balls to stand up to their girlfriend. But for the stars of the films, Harry Potter has been their entire lives. They started off as children and now they’re adults. They’ve been through every conceivable stage of biological development – the stage where they catch swine flu, the stage where they find dreadful indie singers attractive and the stage where they decided to get their penis out for paying strangers night after night. We’ve all been there.

Anyway, throughout all of this, they always had Harry Potter. But not any more. There are only two weeks of filming left on Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, and Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson have been describing how sad they are to see the series come to an end. But, hey, at least they’re being rational about it – it is only a film, after all. Right, Emma? BBC News reports:

“I feel like someone’s dying, it sounds like an exaggeration but I really do,” said Watson… Daniel Radcliffe, who has played Harry Potter since the age of 11, said: “I’m going to be devastated to some degree. It’s going to be very sad because it’s been such a part of my life.”

OK, maybe not rational as such. Sorry.

Still, if Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe want to keep making Harry Potter films, they should. Just because JK Rowling has stopped writing books, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t any stories left to tell. There’s plenty of Harry Potter fan fiction knocking around for example. Maybe the next film should be based on the story where Harry Potter gets shot off to another dimension and then dies, or the one where Harry Potter has fairly graphic sex with Draco Malfoy. You’d watch that, wouldn’t you? Anyone? Hello?

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The greatest theatrical double act in living memory – Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis – have split up.

We know. We’re heartbroken too. Between them, Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis could play anything – disturbing psycho-sexual melodramas, um… OK, actually Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis could only play disturbing psycho-sexual melodramas, but what a team they were. Between Daniel Radcliffe’s charisma and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis’s winning smile, they won audiences over across the world with their production of Equus.

But now, sadly, they’re no more. Daniel Radcliffe has decided to go it alone in an upcoming Broadway musical production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis, on the other hand, is thought to have signed up to be a recurring panellist on a wizard-themed comedy quiz show to be aired at 2am on Wednesday nights on BBC Three.

When people come to look back on the legendary double act of Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s penis, they’ll no doubt pinpoint their 2007 production of Equus as the high watermark. Their chemistry was effortless – Daniel Radcliffe set up the audience with his gripping portrayal of a young man compelled to blind horses by a malevolent horse-shaped godhead of his own creation, and then Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis stormed in at the end to push the play into a brand new direction.

But double acts can’t stay as fresh as Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s penis forever. Soon they found themselves with some serious competition, in the form of Taylor Lautner and Taylor Lautner’s Nipples. Not only did Taylor Lautner and Taylor Lautner’s Nipples have the benefit of being a three-piece, but they were younger and their bonds were stronger. You’d never see Taylor Lautner anywhere without at least one of Taylor Lautner’s Nipples by his side, but Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis would often go for days without being seen together.

Perhaps because they know that they can’t keep up the pace with newcomers as hungry as Taylor Lautner and Taylor Lautner’s Nipples, Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis have announced a trial separation. Rather than let momentum drop, though, Daniel Radcliffe has already signed up for his first-ever Broadway musical, a production of How to Succeed at Business Without Really Trying. BBC News reports:

Daniel Radcliffe is to make his Broadway musical debut in 2011 in a revival of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. The show, to open next spring, marks the 20-year-old’s first stage role in New York since Equus in 2008. Radcliffe will play a young mail room employee who rises to the top of the corporate heap in this musical satire, first seen on Broadway in 1961.

You can’t help feeling a little sorry for Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis after hearing this news – it seems like he’s doomed to become the Andrew Ridgeley to Daniel Radcliffe’s George Michael. But we have faith in Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis. If anyone can come hard from behind, he can.

Jesus, that was disgusting. Sorry, everyone.

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Hey, don’t just take our word for it. Go ask the hedge-haired boy wizard himself. He’s the one that said it, not us.

In other news, it has been reported that 85% of people would rather drink a gallon of sour milk than a cup of tramp’s widdle.

Who do you think of when someone says the words “sex symbol”? Well, if you’re a normal lady with a healthy libido, the answer is probably Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Stuart Heritage.

If, though, you are a tweenage girl or a mid-thirties mother who drinks wine at lunchtime because you have a deeply unsatisfying marriage, you would answer “Ooh, Robert Pattinson! He’s a sex symbol! With his hunky physique and strokable hair and the way he nibbles my earlobe when I’m in the bath having a sexy daydream ” Because you use emoticons even when you talk.

And then you’d probably run to the toilet because just thinking about The RoPa makes you lose all sphincter control.

Well, it turns out that you’re sort of correct. Don’t get carried away, The RoPa is not an actual sex symbol – he still looks like one of those Easter Island statues that’s been carved from a bar of soap and then had a layer of soft, downy bird feathers stuck on top – it’s just that he is now officially slightly more attractive than the one from those films who isn’t the pretty girl and isn’t the ugly boy with the face like a frog that’s just smelled another frog’s fartgas.

Hey, Us Magazine, what’s the story behind this sexy/not-sexy/uglier-than-a-constipated-pufferfish hullaballoo?

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe says ladies are better off lusting after Twilight’s Robert Pattinson. ‘Rob Pattinson is a sex symbol. Rob Pattinson is a genuine sexy guy. He’s got the height,” Radcliffe, 19, told Usmagazine.com Thursday at the NYC premiere of Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince. “If girls like short and nerdy, then I’m a sex symbol!“

So there you go: the boy who looks exactly like somebody’s stuck a photograph of Jude Law‘s face onto a melon and then played football with it for half an hour, has admitted that he is less attractive than the boy who seems to be a caricature of Elvis Presley drawn on an ice lolly stick by an blind artist whose only knowledge of Presley’s appearance was a description given to him by his Filipino boyfriend.

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