Lights on, lights off.

Folded:

• Our redesign (radical)
• This clip of upcoming car wank-fest Fast and Furious (‘cos it’s, like, mental)
• Quantum of Solace on DVD (give it another chance. It’s short)
• Surrendering to Twitter (even dead people are using it now)
• Watchmen: The End is Nigh (simple Streets of Rage/Final Fight style fun)

Creased:

• Our redesign (er, radical)
• 1408 (this film is worse than scalding yourself. John Cusack though, as good as ever)
• Dancing on Ice (it’s finished, it’s done, let’s never talk about it again)
• Rip-off squirrel crisps (no actual squirrel, not actually interested)
• People who model their own clothes on eBay (yeah, it looks crap on you so I’m likely to buy it, aren’t I?)

But over the months we’ve seen all kinds of Dancing On Ice-related excitement take place. Todd Carty almost falling over, um… no, actually Todd Carty was the only piece of Dancing On Ice-related excitement to happen this year. But who’ll win? That’s down to you. Well, not you. The people who vote on shows like Dancing On Ice. You know, the illiterates.

Anyway, here’s our final look at the inevitable Dancing On Ice winner, Ray Quinn…

Ray Quinn – Thank God the Dancing On Ice final is almost here. It means we can get all this nonsense over and done with now. Yes, Ray Quinn is going to win, just like he’s been going to do from the first second of his first performance all those months ago. Or will he? Donal MacIntyre hasn’t been tested by a skate-off either, so for all we know he could be the public favourite instead. It’d be just like the X Factor final all over again, wouldn’t it, except with a creepy old man beating him into first place instead of a world-class vocalist.

Oh, who are we kidding, Ray Quinn’s going to win Dancing On Ice. And it’s going to make him unbearable. Not as unbearable as he was on Sunday, mind you – ahead of his routine to some old shit that sounded like it had been taped from inside a ropey tapas bar, Ray Quinn needed to learn passion. And for that he basically got taught how to pull a facial expression that made him look like a rapist. As for the routine itself? Yeah yeah, well done, you’re so good at ice skating. Now go away. Dancing On Ice score – 28

Next week: EUROVISION!

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Why? Because we’ve just realised that throughout Dancing On Ice, Jane Torvill has been dressing in an increasingly inappropriate way, culminating on Sunday with an outfit that she appeared to have stolen from a teenage girl. If Dancing On Ice had lasted just a month longer, we swear we’d be seeing her in a nappy and bib. And now we won’t. Sad.

Never mind, here’s the Dancing On Ice final rundown for Donal MacIntyre…

Donal MacIntyre – Everyone says that, on shows like Dancing On Ice, the public loves a journey. And, in a series of Dancing On Ice where Ray Quinn started good and ended good and Coleen Nolan started crap and ended crap, Donal MacIntyre has had the closest thing to a journey, given his very marginal improvement  throughout the last few months. Just getting to the final has been huge for him – to the extent that he’s probably looking for an undercover journalism/ skating crossover show to maximise his appeal. It’d be great, like a version of The Cook Report where all the crooks are either hockey players or small children. Donal’s routine to Live And Let Die on Sunday came in two parts. The first part seemed to involve him spelling out ‘I’m a creepy old tit’ in semaphore with his arms with an anguished look on his face, and the second part was about him barrelling around the ice rink looking like he was going to topple over at any second. Needless to say, neither were great. Dancing On Ice score – 22.5

Tomorrow: That’s right, Ray Quinn.

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Things were against Coleen Nolan from the very start. Last night Coleen Nolan had to contend with a back injury that she picked up in training. And to her credit, during her routine to You’re Still The One, it didn’t seem as if Coleen was injured at all. Admittedly that’s because she always skates like a woman with a smashed spine, but never mind.

So who’ll win Dancing On Ice on Sunday? Here’s our rundown for Jessica Taylor…

Jessica Taylor -  If you judged Dancing On Ice purely on its merits then Jessica Taylor would finish the final in second place. Then again, if you judged Dancing On Ice purely on its merits then it would have been cancelled after the first episode. Anyway, the point is that, despite being comparatively decent at Dancing On Ice, the judges have had to save Jessica Taylor from elimination twice now, so it’s almost certain that she’ll be first out next week. Maybe one day we’ll find out why Jessica Taylor was so disliked – maybe it was jealousy, maybe the public was intimidated by her talent, or maybe it’s just that she gives off the impression that holding a conversation with her would be like trying to persuade a monkey to tapdance. Who really knows? Apparently, according to the Dancing On Ice judges, Jessica’s fundamentals during her routine to Why last night were even better than Ray Quinn’s. We don’t know if that’s true or not because, as usual with Jessica Taylor’s routines, we completely drifted off about 10 seconds in and started to think about crisps or something. Dancing On Ice score – 26.5

Tomorrow: the Dancing On Ice final profile for Donal MacIntyre.

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Famously Dancing On Ice has the stupidest viewers on TV – as evidenced by the way it keeps voting off the good skaters – and that’s given us a terrifying thought: is Coleen Nolan going to win Dancing On Ice? She hasn’t been in a skate-off yet, so the viewers obviously love her. She might win. That’s a chilling proposition. Someone hold us.

Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Ray Quinn…

Ray Quinn – You want to know how good Ray Quinn is at Dancing On Ice? You want to know why a man who looks like an Atom Boy doll with radiation burns is bound to win Dancing On Ice? OK, here’s why – last week Ray Quinn ballsed his routine up spectacularly, by wearing a hat back to front and being unable to throw things without looking like a polio-stricken girl, and yet he still came top on the Dancing On Ice scoreboard. He’s just that much better than his competitors. In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king, they say. We think that means someone should partially blind Ray Quinn.

But until that happens, we’ve got to put up with even more typically excellent routines, like Ray’s performance on Sunday to Use Somebody. The routine’s high point was a sort of starjump that would have scuppered a lesser skater. However, Ray pulled it off with aplomb. This, we’re sure you’re aware, is because Ray Quinn doesn’t actually have any genitals. Dancing On Ice score – 28

Next week: our final week of Dancing On Ice rundowns.

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There was no more clowning around on with hats, or doing pansified synchronised spins, on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice. No, instead they had to pull off one of the hardest moves known to man. They had to jump up and down. Truly, Dancing On Ice, you’re advancing the nature of humanity as we know it.

Here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Donal MacIntyre…

Donal MacIntyre – Donal MacIntyre has faced many challenges in his life, like going undercover with some hooligans or having a gun pulled on him (Has he mentioned that someone once pulled a gun on him? Because it happened, and Donal didn’t even cry or anything), but nothing has been tougher than Dancing On Ice. Somehow, though, Donal is succeeding at it. True, he might be technically limited, awkward and just a little bit creepy, but he hasn’t been voted out yet. Don’t ask us why. We’re just as bewildered as you. For his routine to Let’s Stick Together on Sunday, Donal tried two brave new tricks – the first was a move called The Car, which he struggled with. The second was dancing like Old Man Steptoe, which he mastered instantly. All in all, Quite Good. We Suppose. Dancing On Ice score – 22

Tomorrow: oh look, Ray Quinn again. Whoopy doo.

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Really, we honestly love it. It doesn’t matter what they do, Torvill and Dean always deliver. Like on Sunday’s show, for instance, Torvill and Dean’s routine was almost completely unforgettable, apart from the fact that he was dressed like a stroppy waiter and she was dressed like a discarded Ferrero Rocher wrapper. It’s attention to detail like this that makes Torvill and Dean number one!

Here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor…

Jessica Taylor – This is odd. Since the start of Dancing On Ice, Jessica Taylor has been second only to Ray Quinn in the rankings, but now she’s officially doing worse than Coleen Nolan and that rubbish undercover reporter bloke. Clearly you don’t have to be a genius to work out why this has happened: Jessica Taylor only has two facial expressions – one that’s utterly blank and another one that makes her look like a bear that’s been booted in the balls, which we think is meant to symbolise happiness or something. Either way, if you can’t connect to your audience you’re done for. And Jessica was in Liberty X, so she hasn’t had an audience for years. But, desperate to win her fans back, Jessica opted for a danger-packed routine on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice, full of lifts and spins that could all potentially end in puddles of blood. That didn’t happen, of course, but it’s a testament to Jessica’s lack of personality that she take a daredevil routine and make it look sort of dreary. Well done Jessica! Dancing On Ice score – 26

Tomorrow – Donal MacIntyre’s Dancing On Ice rundown.

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That’s because last night Zoe Salmon was voted off. We can see why – Zoe’s routine to Run was preceded by a VT about what a deranged little madam she is, and it actually looked like she was crying through the performance – but this means that either Coleen Nolan or Donal McIntyre will definitely make the final now. How completely messed up.

Anyway, Zoe Salmon is out of Dancing On Ice, so here’s the rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Coleen Nolan – Here’s a tip: if you ever wanted to do well at Dancing On Ice, you should probably think about endorsing frozen £1 sausages for cash first. That’s literally the only reason we can think of as to why Coleen Nolan is still on Dancing On Ice. Her scores have been terrible for a month and her routines have been embarrassing slow motion panty affairs, and yet she hasn’t even been in a skate-off yet. It has to be because she’s the nice frozen sausage lady off the telly, or it could be that all Dancing On Ice viewers are idiots. We’ll accept either answer, really. This week on Dancing On Ice, Coleen fell over so hard that she busted her wrist enough for her to be hospitalised – and then went on to get her best score of the series for her routine to Diamonds Are Forever. So if a knackered wrist can help her get her best score, we reckon that if she shatters her shins with a mallet before next week’s show she’ll be up there with Ray Quinn. You can do it, Coleen! We believe in you! Dancing On Ice score – 18.5

Tomorrow - Jessica Taylor’s Dancing On Ice rundown.

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It must have – just look at how the skate-offs are turning out. For two weeks in a row now, the Dancing On Ice viewers have tried to vote off the second-best skater. This is clearly wrong – any fool knows that the viewers should be voting off the least-talented performers. Or Ray Quinn. We wouldn’t mind if they voted off Ray Quinn.

Speaking of the devil, here’s Ray Quinn’s Dancing On Ice rundown…

Ray Quinn – Oh, look, everyone knows that Ray Quinn is going to win Dancing On Ice, and they’ve known it since his first routine all those weeks ago. The judges say that Ray Quinn is their best contestant ever, Christopher Dean appears to consider him good enough to become professional and the viewers haven’t realised that he’s essentially a Scouse Chucky doll with knives on his feet yet. The only way that Ray Quinn couldn’t win Dancing On Ice at this point is if he pooed a White Rule slogan on the ice while he was dancing. And, admit it, even that’d be a little bit impressive. Being asked to hold a hat and ice skate at the same time, however, was the opposite of impressive for Ray on Sunday. His routine to Since I Met Miss Jones was full of mistakes – he stumbled, he dropped the hat, he couldn’t put it on properly, he actually put it on back to front - and yet he still got the highest score of the week. He looked like he was going to cry afterwards, too, the massive girl. Dancing On Ice score – 26

Next week: Even! More! Dancing On Ice!

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Usually Torvill and Dean’s Dancing On Ice openings are flaccid displays of ego that just hold everything up and make the show five minutes longer than it needs to be. But not on Sunday – on Sunday their routine legitimately defied description. It was a sort of arctic gay-off that culminated in an actual rainstorm. Sadly Christopher Dean wasn’t struck by lightning at the end but, hey, maybe next time.

Anyway, on to the Dancing On Ice rundowns for Jessica Taylor and Zoe Salmon…

Jessica Taylor - If you had any money on Jessica Taylor winning Dancing On Ice, you should probably start crying now. Despite being one of the best dancers on the show, last week saw Jessica Taylor forced to compete in the skate-off. And it’s obvious why – although she’s graceful and poised on the ice, the moment she has to do anything that involves talking, thinking or displaying any trace of character whatsoever, it becomes massively clear that there’s not a lot going on upstairs. And, while Dancing On Ice is a show about technical achievement, you’re screwed if nobody likes you. And, let’s be honest, nobody does like Jessica Taylor, do they? On Sunday, Jessica Taylor danced with an umbrella to Umbrella, which was a genius musical choice. Upcoming bands – write a song called Spangly Broomstick, and you’ll almost definitely get it used on Dancing On Ice.  Jessica’s routine continued her nice-but-dull pattern, but it’s good to see her try to correct this by pulling actual facial expressions now and again. True, they all make her look like an angry tiger, but give the girl a chance. She’s new to this. Dancing On Ice score – 23.5

Zoe Salmon – Well look at this. It says here that Zoe Salmon is now the second favourite to win Dancing On Ice thanks to Jessica Taylor being in the skate-off last week. This is great news for Zoe – her chances of winning Dancing On Ice have just shot up from zero to, well, zero, and all for the simple fact that she isn’t Ray Quinn. Not even the routine that Zoe Salmon managed on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice – a fast, dazzling, almost epileptic performance with a baton to The Boy Does Nothing – will help her win the show. But did Ray Quinn go to majorette school to learn how to twirl a baton to the level of a podgy toddler? No. No he didn’t. And Zoe Salmon will always have that. Dancing On Ice score – 25.5

Tomorrow: Ray Monkeyloving Quinn.

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And what daredevil props were the Dancing On Ice contestants given to work with? A set of flaming torches? Razor wire? That lion on ice skates that we wished for last week? No. In actual fact the props included a hat. And a scarf. And a stick. Well done, Dancing On Ice. They were the three most exciting things we could think of as well.

Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Donal MacIntyre…

Donal MacIntyre – Thank goodness Donal MacIntyre almost fell over a couple of times during last week’s Dancing On Ice – because anything that stops his steady improvement is perfectly fine by us. Each week Donal has been given constructive criticism by the Dancing On Ice judges, and every week he’s acted on it. That’s probably great for Donal’s self-esteem, but less good for the viewers. After all, Dancing On Ice is all about wanting to see bloody skull fractures on live TV, right? Annoyingly, Donal’s even working on this, given that he’s fallen over so much that his entire left leg now looks like the septic arm at the end of Requiem For A Dream.

For his routine to I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues, Donal was given a broom, which led to two things. The first was the same old ‘Aw shucks, I’m just a poor cleaner’ choreography that we get every single year on Dancing On Ice, and the second was insipid broom-based choreography. You don’t know how long we’ve waited for a chance to write ‘insipid broom-based choreography’. Ages. Dancing On Ice score – 23

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice rundowns for Jessica Taylor and Zoe Salmon.

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That’s not really a surprise – dressing up like a kind of porno version of I Dream Of Jeannie on a show primarily watched by middle-aged housewives is never a good tactical choice – but it’s still sad to see Roxanne Pallett leave Dancing On Ice. Especially since her prop last night was a chair that she barely got up from, making her just about the sexiest Ironside impersonator we’ve ever seen.

But with no more Roxanne Pallett, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Coleen Nolan…

Coleen Nolan – Without a doubt, Coleen Nolan has exceeded her wildest dreams on Dancing On Ice. That’s mostly because Coleen Nolan’s wildest dreams on Dancing On Ice probably involved her not smashing her face into liquid during the first second of her first training session. However, despite being the oldest, plumpest and least convincing female remaining on Dancing On Ice, she’s still going strong. OK, maybe ‘strong’ is the wrong word. But she’s still going – to date, Coleen hasn’t been in a single skate-off. And that’s just weird. Given her confusing Dancing On Ice routine with a feather boa to I Just Want To Make Love To You on Sunday, though, her days must surely be numbered. Not only was her interaction with the boa limited to wearing it around her neck, but she also struggled so much with looking sexy that she had to get someone in just to teach her what sexy looked like. And, if your definition of sexy involves pulling a face like an asthmatic cat anus, then Coleen did very well. If you don’t, though, it was disappointing. Dancing On Ice score – 16.5

Tomorrow: the Dancing On Ice rundown for Donal MacIntyre.

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So what can we look forward to on Sunday’s show? Well, as we’re constantly being told, the bar keeps raising week after week. That means that the remaining Dancing On Ice contestants are going to have to toil like never before if they want to achieve the ultimate accomplishment of coming second to Ray Quinn.

Speaking of which, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown of Ray Quinn…

Ray Quinn – OK, we’ll admit it – all out anti Ray Quinn attacks over these last few weeks have been entirely rooted in jealousy. In fact, we’d even go as far as to say that Ray Quinn is a goo… he’s a good ska… he’s good at ice skati… no. No. We physically can’t do it. We physically can’t praise that swivel-eyed little turnip. We don’t care that he’s been getting amazing scores on Dancing On Ice week after week. He gives us the creeps. Can you imagine Ray Quinn standing at the foot of your bed while you sleep, fingering a knife and crying? Because we bloody can. But, that aside, Ray Quinn is very good at Dancing On Ice. On Sunday he performed a routine to Rock Around The Clock which was amazing but not quite perfect, probably because he was dressed as a possessed Cliff Richard mannequin at the time. Dancing On Ice score – 29.5

Next week: This, all over again.

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We’re just asking because the required element on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice was just rubbish. They had to skate on one leg, bend down, spin around and then stop. Hey, Dancing On Ice, that’s not what we want from our required elements. We want the required element to be a lion, on skates, chasing Ray Quinn around. Got that?

Here’s the Dancing On Ice review for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor…

Zoe Salmon – Statistically, Zoe Salmon is on to finish Dancing On Ice in third place. It might not be what she wants, but it’s incredibly fitting. She’s spent her whole life being overshadowed, either by Konnie Huq or that naked woman off Big Brother or all those people who beat her on Fame Academy, and it’s only right that the same thing should happen again on Dancing On Ice. Still, at least Zoe’s still on to beat Donal MacIntyre. That’s something. Something rubbish, obviously, but still something. But at least Zoe’s got her emotions in check – this week her tears were replaced by a horrible horrible confidence. And it resulted in a weird routine to Mamma Mia, which told the story of a woman who was angry with her boyfriend, then her boyfriend chucked her around a bit, then she cheered up. Not a clue. Dancing On Ice score – 23.5

Jessica Taylor – Even though she’s one of the most talented skaters, we’ve spent the last three weeks wishing that Jessica Taylor would be voted off Dancing On Ice. Why? It’s obvious – because we ran out of things to say about her ages ago. Seriously, once you’ve mentioned Liberty X, her crushing lack of personality and the fact that she’s quite skinny, there’s absolutely nothing left to say about the woman. We’re stumped. Can’t she shatter her shin or something? We’d be alright with that, really. Sort of. This week, Jessica danced to Unbreak My Heart in a routine that was nice, but a little bit boring. If that’s not the perfect description of Jessica herself, then we don’t know what is. Dancing On Ice score – 24.5

Tomorrow: Yeah yeah, bloody Ray Quinn. We know.

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The Dancing On Ice theme nights that we’ve been enjoying so much weren’t there at all on Sunday. Instead we had to make do with a choreographed interpretation of a Will Young song. Will Young, for crying out loud. The only choreographed interpretation we’ve ever done to a Will Young song has involved slowly drifting off to sleep at the wheel of a car. Disappointing.

Here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown for Roxanne Pallet and Donal MacIntyre…

Roxanne Pallet – Roxanne Pallet, you’ve been a profound disappointment to us. Not just because you’re not nearly as good at ice skating as everyone thought you’d be, but because all the newspapers said you were sexy. You’re not sexy, Roxanne Pallet – you look like an obnoxiously overconfident 13-year-old. And you haven’t even managed to slash anyone’s throat with your blade yet. Rubbish. No wonder your hopes of winning Dancing On Ice are getting thinner by the minute. Still, for Roxanne’s routine to I Wanna Be Loved By You, she decided to have another go at the Headbanger, since she arsed it up so much a fortnight ago. The good news? She managed it. The bad news? Her entire contribution to the move involved laying still, and even that looked like it sapped her brainpower completely. Dancing On Ice score – 19

Donal MacIntyre – What the chub is going on here? No, seriously, we mean it. Donal MacIntyre isn’t the least favourite to win Dancing On Ice any more. We don’t understand – he doesn’t seem to be an especially likeable human being, his skating’s not up to much and he only ever bangs on about having guns pulled on him all the time. We get the feeling that Donal’s moving up the Dancing On Ice rankings because he’s responding to constructive criticism and improving week on week, but that hardly counts – he’s only improving in the sense that he used to skate like a blind one-legged donkey and now he skates like a partially-sighted one-legged donkey. For Sunday’s routine, Donal had to perform a routine to Everybody Hurts, which is difficult for him because he is a MAN’S MAN and never displays emotion. So what is Donal MacIntyre like when he has to express emotion? Boring and fairly clumsy, as it happens. Dancing On Ice score – 17

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice rundowns for Zoe Salmon and Jessica Taylor.

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