Another week, another loosely adhered to theme for Dancing on Ice. This week the theme was “Pop”, although really it should’ve been “Katarina Disagrees”. But that wouldn’t have fitted in so well with One Direction’s appearance, so pop it was.

Some teenage boys with suits and sideways hair weren’t going to stop Katarina, though. She has monumental cleavage AND Olympic medals. Nothing’s getting in her way.

Not even fellow Olympian Chemmy Alcott, who Katarina infamously called “big” a few weeks back, before begging her not to ever do any lifts ever again. Chemmy wasn’t having any of it though, and decided to do a handstand on her partner’s leg. Queen Katarina tried to pretend that she only wanted to keep Chemmy safe for the next Olympics. Nobody believed her.

Unlike Rosemary, who everyone believes all the time, bcause she’s lovely. Which is why the evil overlords of ITV decided that she had to be tipped upside down and spun round in circles until she was nearly sick all over the ice. Katarina loved it and gave her a seven. Everyone else was deeply, deeply indifferent.

As they were when Jennifer Ellison took to the ice. According to her VT, she needed to “go for it”, which is becoming such a recurring theme that we expect it will soon be given its own show. What Jennifer went for this week was some seriously unfortunate hair, supposedly because she was skating to ‘Vogue’. Really, we think the stylist just hates her.

Still, at least Jennifer can take comfort in the fact that the stylist hates Sam more. He was given a very, very dodgy blonde wig and made to skate to Wham. Which was presumably punishment for dropping his partner repeatedly in practice. Or for forcing everyone to see him in bed, as he did at start of his routine. It’s one or the other.

Despite his best efforts to traumatise the entire country, Sam still lost out on his attempt to become “Most Disturbing Person on Dacing on Ice”. Because Chico and Heidi were there.

Heidi skated to the caterwauling wreck that is Jessie J, and decided to pay homage through her wardrobe. Which was a catsuit. With spangles. On the vadge. Again.

Chico said the word “fluidity” and then donned a skin-tight silver t-shirt, leaving the entire country feeling more queasy than Rosemary after her upside-down-vom-spin. Robin told Chico to “keep something for himself”. We assume he meant the t-shirt. Please, please, make Chico keep that t-shirt for himself.

Whilst the midfield were battling their wardrobes, Jorgi and Matt were continuing their ice dance war. Except that it was a bit one-sided this week, because while Jorgi was skating around in a paedophile’s dream of a school uniform and getting top scores, Matt had ruined his back a bit.

Not really ruined, you understand. Just ruined enough to make him miss two days of training and struggle a bit with the sexual assault that is the sit lift. Robin and Louie thought he pulled it off. Katarina, shockingly, disagreed. She gave him 6.5 and a shake of her shoulder pads.

And then she ruined all of her credibility.

It all started when Andy came out and did a weird stomping dance to the Proclaimers. We were expecting Katarina and her bosom to point out that it was an awkward crock of dung, but instead she tried to tell everyone that it was entertaining. The lying bitch.

And she didn’t even try and stop Robin and Louie from throwing endless clichés at Sebastian. Apparently, he is on a journey, and has a lot to offer, and various other inane and predictable things. We were mostly just annoyed with him for trying a strange new jump and not falling over.

Also trying very, very hard not to fall over was Charlene, who was given a fast routine and a Lady Gaga outfit, which she then used to terrify everyone. It turns out that Charlene can do the splits. So she did. In the air. With her ladybits pointing at the camera. It was part of her attempt to ditch her status as the “skate-off queen” and get straight through to next week.

It didn’t work.  At all. Not even a little bit. Because she didn’t just end up in the skate off with Sam, she got booted off the show. So now we know; when middle-aged women flash their lycra-clad bits at you, bad things happen.

Now can someone please tell Madonna?

What springs to mind when somebody says “duel”? People flouncing about with swords, trying to kill each other? Yes? Well, forget about that. Because this week, Dancing on Ice brought us the least threatening duels of all time.

There were no swords. There was no serious injury. There were just two celebrities on the ice at the same time, skating one after the other, and wearing vaguely coordinated outfits.

And the prize for winning the duel? Did they get to use their skating blades to hack their rival’s costume to pieces? Or to inflict some dramatic but non-lethal wounds upon them? Or steal their partner? Or do anything? Anything at all?

No. They got immunity from this week’s skate-off. That was it.

First to compete for the world’s least exciting prize were Chico and Sam, who as well as sharing the ice and the music were also sharing their costume. Not literally, unfortunately, even though a pantomime horse on ice could be utterly brilliant.

Instead, they were both dressed a bit like Freddie Mercury and as per the rules of this particular “duel”, they started off facing each other. Doing push ups, which we assume was considerably easier for one Freddie than the other.

In fact, everything seemed to be easier for Chico/Freddie, who was just shitloads better than Sam/Freddie. He was faster, and better at the lifts, and did more complicated fancy stuff. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more devastating for Sam he had to finish the routine with yet more push ups, even though his arms were presumably burning more than Lindsay Lohan’s ladybits.

Next up were Jennifer and Sebastian, who were set up as the ULTIMATE SKATING DICHOTOMY. Jennifer, you see, has a background as a dancer but isn’t a great skater. Sebastian is shit-hot at skating, but can’t perform. If you could smush them together, they’d be great. But you can’t, so they were both just mediocre.

They couldn’t even match their costumes as well as the two Freddies. The judges just about managed to muster enough enthusiasm to give immunity to Sebastian. And then they had to attempt to be sympathetic towards Corey and Chemmy.

Corey and Chemmy don’t have any confidence, you see, and so they were united in the Duel of Low Self-Esteem. Luckily for Chemmy though, Corey also suffers from severe and long-lasting delusions. He’s under the impression that he can dance and skate, even though he’s still wearing kneepads. Like a toddler. Which is apparently what he is.

Yes, it turns out that Corey is just a great big deluded toddler. After his professional partner wouldn’t bow down to his greater skating wisdom he threw a massive strop and stormed off of the ice. Or just kind of wobbled off of it slowly. It was up to Chemmy to calm him down, which she did very nicely.

And then she shat all over him and got immunity.

Unable to summon up any such drama were Heidi and Charlene, who have both been in the skateoff and are therefore equally, unremarkably god-awful. Still the judges were forced to choose between them, so they gave immunity to Heidi because she’s got better hair. Maybe.

Jorgie and Matt, meanwhile, are both stupidly ridiculously good and so everyone was very excited about their duel. Jorgie had a lift that makes her dizzy and a bit vomitous. Matthew had ruined his back and dropped his partner. It was all INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC.

Then we saw their outfits. Matt had been put in something silver and shiny, and Jorgie was in a spanglebra and leggings. Who cares about skating when you’ve got people dressed like that?! The judges do, apparently. As they chose to give the sacred immunity to Matt, just because they had to give it to someone.

And then there was an anti-climax.

The producers had forgotten about Andy and Rosemary so had to just tack them on the end and hope that everyone hadn’t already switched off. Rosemary hadn’t got through a routine cleanly, but apparently she changed her attitude this week and that helped and now she is better at not falling down. So the judges gave her immunity, leaving six of the celebs facing the public vote.

In the skate-off, the public proved that they don’t like Americans who were famous in the 80s and have names beginning with the letter C, and so left Corey and Charlene in the bottom two. Somewhat inevitably, Corey barely managed to stay upright and got booted off. Which he apparently took VERY SERIOUSLY.

And so, we have lost deluded Corey and his stupid hair but that’s OK, because we’ve still got 11 other bland celebrities to will serious injury and deep humiliation on. We just need to hope that next time they duel, the producers let them have swords. Please, please, give the cretins swords.

This week’s Dancing on Ice was apparently Movie Week. Really, it was just dodgier outfits than usual, a few rubbish puns and some nicely manufactured drama. There were injuries! There were dangerous lifts! And there was Heidi Sugababe’s golden vadge! Her terrifying, terrifying golden ladybits.

Before old Bigface Sugababe assaulted our eyes with her genitals though, the rest of the skaters were subjected to injury and actual sexual assault. Like Jennifer Ellison, who has ruined her ribs, apparently. Which was INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC and caused her to change her routine at the last moment and look like she was about to die when she came off the ice.

We did not feel the required amount of sympathy. Although that’s maybe because we have no soul.

Trying to nab herself some non-existent sympathy was Charlene, who gatecrashed Jennifer’s ruined ribs party. She forgot to do the requisite crying and looking upset, but she did dress up as Marilyn Monroe. Which was frankly terrifying.

But not as terrifying as what happened to Rosemary Conley. Poor, sweet old Rosemary Conley. Her partner grabbed her by the ladybits and hoiked her onto his shoulder, which looked both uncomfortable and wrong. It was a bit like watching someone molest your gran. But with added lycra, and some extra sequins.

It wasn’t just the old who were being interfered with on live TV though. Jorgie Porter also found herself being touched inappropriately when she was made to do a “sit lift”. Which involved her quite literally sitting on her partner’s hand as he held her above his head and kept a tight grip on her pants. At least, he said it was her pants. We didn’t want to think about it too hard.

Whatever was going on in Jorgie’s pants clearly worked, as she found herself top of the leader board and pitched against the previous week’s skating master Matt. Who is more about actual assault than sexual assault; he dropped his partner AND crushed her in rehearsal. Which clearly scared the judges enough to make sure they gave him the same score as Jorgie. Which was just bloody boring of them, really.

Person least likely to assault anyone meanwhile was Sebastian, who needed to be reminded that he even had a partner at all. He and Brianne had been working all week to remember to be good with each other, which sort of kind of worked. A bit. Apparently Sebastian’s “style” was cocking things up a bit. Whatever his “style” is.

Down at the other end of the leaderboard, ITV was rubbing salt in the wounds of Corey Feldman’s failed career by making him skate to a song from his own movie, Stand by Me. He responded by announcing himself to be a great dancer. His only evidence seemed to be that he was friends with Michael Jackson. Clearly Michael was already heavily sedated when he told Corey that he was a great dancer though, because Corey was dismal. Really, really dismal.

A bit like Mark of Sam and Mark. According to partner Frankie he’s improved, but she doesn’t have a surname and does have an annoying face, so we chose to ignore her. They spent as much of their routine as possible off of the ice and then were the happiest anyone has ever been to make it into double figures. It’s good to know they’ve got low standards.

The other half of Sam and Mark, meanwhile, was trying his absolute best to kill his partner with a backflip. On live TV. He’d been cocking it up all week and throwing her off in seemingly random directions, but he annoyingly managed not to throw her onto her head in front of the entire nation. He did do some really embarrassing kung-fu dancing though. The poor bastard.

Also struggling with a move was Chemmy, who was scared of a lift. What she should’ve been scared of though, was the wrath of God. Because Chemmy started off dressed as a nun, and then did some stripping. The two of them couldn’t get it up though. The lift, that is. Because God didn’t want them to. Then Katarina Witt told Chemmy that she was a Big Woman, because Chemmy had insulted God, and so God told Katarina to call her fat.

It wasn’t just Chemmy’s costume that was playing silly buggers though. Chico got stuck trying to be romantic and passionate in that most romantic of outfits, the boilersuit. Andy got his hand stuck in his ridiculous Grease wig. And Heidi. Oh dear God. Heidi.

After horrifying us with shots of her golden catsuit throughout the show, Heidi appeared as the final skater. Because she wanted to maximise the amount of time she could horrify us for. Apparently the catsuit was part of her attempt to “sexify” a Bond theme. We definitely became very well acquainted with her anatomy, but it was more traumatic than sexy.

Still, somebody somewhere clearly liked it, because after being unceremoniously dumped into the skate off in the first week, she made it through. As did everyone except for Charlene and Mark, who were forced to skate again.

It turned out that Mark’s “improvement” wasn’t enough, and he got sent home, leaving poor Sam alone. Hopefully he’ll realise that life is actually better without Mark, thus leading to the end of Sam and Mark as any kind of televisual unit and making the world a far, far better place. We’ll be voting to keep him in. Because a world without Sam and Mark is something we’ll never stop hoping for.

Head Judges. Every reality show has one, even the ones where they can’t quite work out who the head judge is (yes, we’re looking at you, X Factor). And on Dancing on Ice, that privilege lies with Robin Cousins. Unfortunately for everyone else though, it seems the producers forgot to explain the show to him.

Robin Cousins, you see, has pretty much entirely missed the point of the show that he presides over. Which is a competition to find the celebrity that is best at skating round in circles and doing a bit of twirling. According to Mr Cousins, though, the celebrities only have to compete with themselves. Get that?

They’re not competing with each other, just themselves. Which makes for a pretty shit show unless ITV have been cloning celebrities in some kind of spectacular reality-meets-unnatural science experiment.

Oh, it seems that they haven’t. The idiots. So we just had the normal celebrities going round in circles.

Really taking the “competing with yourself” words to heart was some bloke called Sebastian, who apparently leaps about a bit and was once in Casino Royale. He was so busy competing with himself that he forgot about his partner, and just went around on his own being all spins and leaps and speed and spangles. If this were a competition he’d be a contender. But it’s not a competition.

Also focussed on herself was Jennifer Ellison, who apparently has self-esteem issues. She should come to the hecklerspray bedsit. We’ll show her some low self-esteem. Young Jennifer though decided to get her confidence back by skating about in a leotard and doing the splits a lot, thus ensuring that a lot of teenage boys will be focussing on her as well. Well… aiming.

Just when it looked like everyone in the entire show was a self-centred knobjockey, along came Rosemary Conley. Who has been learning to skate for two years and yet is still the slowest thing on earth. That’s OK though, because she’s also lovely and grandmotherly and takes tea to practice. She’s so very nice that her partner even felt compelled to save her from falling over when she nearly stacked it at the start of her routine. Because he loves her more than the audience. Not because it’s a competition. Definitely not.

The competition was so non-existent that not even Sam of the appalling freakshow that is Sam and Mark could be arsed. The producers tried to make out that there was a rivalry between the kids TV cretins, but neither of them seemed to really care. Which reduces the chances that one will a little bit maim the other with those sharp skate blades. Which is a real shame, especially as Sam was the one most likely to be maimed since he’s much, much better than Mark.

Considerably more likely to snap and maim someone is former childstar Corey Feldman. He doesn’t care what people think of him. He just doesn’t want to hurt himself. Unfortunately for Corey though, he’s pretty much entirely useless and spent his entire routine looking quite a lot like he was going to fall over. It’s ok though, because his partner has clearly found a time machine which has brought her straight here from the 80s, so she can take him back in time and give him a few more rehearsals. About five more years should do it.

That time machine could also come in handy for Laila Morse, who managed to hurt herself back before the show had even started properly. She had the audacity to injure her shoulder off-camera, which was just selfish and boring of her as we didn’t even get to laugh at her pain. Still, who cares about her shoulder; apparently she’s Gary Oldman’s sister. Gary Fucking Oldman. How the hell did we miss that?

Last-minute replacement Chico, meanwhile does not have stability or balance. We weren’t sure if they were talking about his skating or his life in general, but either way it wasn’t going to be a problem, because Chico had the power of Chesney Hawkes behind him. Which is clearly very, very strong, because Chico matched Jorgie’s crazy high score from last week.

It looked briefly like Chico was going to end the night on top of the leaderboard, but unfortunately for him some bloke called Matthew from Emmerdale did remember it was a competition. And Matthew wants to win that competition and beat everyone else into a pulp. So he set ridiculously high standards, swore at himself a bit and put on some pleather. Because apparently that’s how you win a competition that isn’t a competition. By dressing like a ridiculous gimp. He got a huge score though, so clearly the judges liked it.

At skate-off time it turned out that Corey’s time machine clearly wasn’t working all that well. He joined Laila-secret-brother in the bottom two, where the judges all booted Laila off “for the sake of her health”. Not because she was old and rubbish, but because she was competing with herself, and herself – in the form of her shoulder- had won.

So there you have it: Laila misses out on next week’s Movie Week extravaganza, where we expect the time machine and cloning that were hiding out the back of this week’s show to really be put to better use. Or, y’know, some celebs might skate round in circles a bit. It’ll probably be the circles.

We look forward to that.

Dancing on Ice. It’s always been the runty sibling of the celeb reality shows, hasn’t it? Relegated to Sunday nights in January when anyone with any sense is in the pub breaking every single resolution all at once. They may be missing a show that clearly has the best premise of any show ever broadcast ever, but they don’t care. The fools.

The magic of DOI is that its full celebrities so desperate for attention that they’re willing to brain themselves on some frozen water in the vain hope that they might get a feature in Closer magazine about their incredible new figure.

They’re putting themselves in actual, mortal danger. Because they want to be back on TV. Does anything ever get better than that?

Clearly, ITV think it does, because they’ve only gone and totally mucked around with the entire show just to irk us off. Gone is Holly Willoughby and her spectacular, heaving rack, leaving the Dads of Britain with one less thing to jerk over. That’s because she’s been replaced by Christine Bleakley and her incredibly pointy and sackable (and punchable) face.

Even the judging panel isn’t safe; it’s still led by ‘Olympic Champion’ Robin Cousins, but Jason Gardner and his hair transplant have been replaced by Louie Spence. Emma Bunton, meanwhile, lost her her place to some bint called Katarina who apparently does actually know some stuff about skating because she won a few things once or something.

Although who cares about the credibility. We just want some good bitchy quotes.

Thankfully they’ve still managed to dig out 15 fame-hungry cretins who are willing to attach blades to the bottom of their feet and spin round in circles a bit, so some things never change. We’d tell you who they are, but we did that last week and you should’ve been paying attention. What we will tell you though, is that Chesney Hawkes broke his entire self and has been replaced by Chico. Which can only make things more ridiculous.

And last night the first seven “celebs” tried not to kill themselves on live TV. Even though the entire country was willing everyone to do a little bit of falling over. First up BigFace Sugababe Heidi wore a blazer to practice, which was clearly hugely inappropriate. Then she broke her original partner by destroying his absolutely massive arms. We briefly expected Brendan Cole to appear and save the day, but some Russian guy did instead.

Then she did her routine and didn’t fall over and the judges said some things and it wasn’t that exciting.

Next up was Mark from “Sam and Mark”, that dreadful Pop Idol-spawned kids TV monstrosity. He was paired with Frankie-no-surname. And according to the VT, he was awful. Truly, appalling dreadful. And probably person most likely to fall over, which was why they made him skate to ‘I’m Still Standing’.

Annoyingly, he didn’t fall over, although he did have the best wobbly leg that TV has ever seen.  It was like he was being electrocuted from the waist down. Whilst pulling a stupid face. And getting low marks.

Out for the Mum votes was Charlene Tilton, who was apparently once in Dallas. hecklerspray’s mum says she was called the ‘poison dwarf’. Everyone on Dancing on Ice says she has “loads of energy”, which possibly translates as “more annoying than ten Timmy Mallets.” She definitely annoyed us by being a little bit good.

Jorgie Porter may not be able to spell her own name, but according to her VT she’s up for anything. And has none of the fear.  But she did have a slow song, which, through some weird reverse logic is apparently harder than a quick one. She did all sorts of complicated lifts and scored 18.5 which was apparently the best thing any of them had ever seen.

Stuck attempting to follow Jorgie and her flounciness was Chemmy Allcott who is apparently a downhill skier who has broken everything in her body. Including shattering her leg. So obviously going on ice is a really, really great idea and not at all likely to end in a horrific injury.

Thankfully for both Chemmy and the future of British skiing she made it through without damaging anything else. Which is probably for the best. Because if she fell over there’s every chance she’d actually break into a million tiny little pieces. And then ITV would have to pay out a lot of compensation to traumatised viewers and would have no budget left to produce such classic telly as Wild at Heart. And nobody wants that.

Following Chemmy, the human Humpty Dumpty, was some bloke called Andy who is apparently a Blue Peter presenter. And was far too chirpy for his own good. He spent a lot of the VT dropping his partner Maria, which got our hopes up that he might do that on actual live TV.

He didn’t. In fact, he was quite good. Which means that we have no interest in him at all.

Closing the show was some other Andy who is apparently the comedian of Coronation Street. We were led to believe that he’d be comically dreadful, but instead he was boringly mediocre.  The selfish twat.

And yet, Mediocre Andy didn’t find himself in the skate-off. Nor did useless Mark. That questionable honour was reserved for Heidi and Chirpy Andy, because ITV viewers apparently hate joy. And the Sugababes. The ice panel chose to save Heidi, presumably because they couldn’t be bothered with the hassle and confusion of having two Andys in the competition. Who cares about talent and ability? Not Robin Cousins.

Still, the nice people at ITV have given us another full week to recover from the unfulfilled promise of tonight’s show and prepare ourselves for the first skates of the other half of the celebrities. Hopefully one of them will do what they’re meant to and stack it spectacularly.

Our money’s on Chico.

Still reeling from the Christmas carbohydrate intake and eventually calming down from the unfortunate and thinly veiled insults from your elderly, racist grandmother? Well don’t get too comfortable because your rage-meter is set to reach all new, Jeremy Clarkson-esque highs with the unveiling of the Desperate Slags on Ice lineup.

Dancing On Ice always been a one-stop WTF shop, comprised of people you’d generally forgotten had even existed, only to turn up, get their face smashed off ice and then slink off into The Bill or Holby City, or if they’re lucky, series 300 of My Family.

It’s the final stop on the bus ride to celebrity oblivion before Celebrity Big Brother with Michael Barrymore and whatever natural body parts of Pete Burns are left.

This year doesn’t show any signs of being less dickish, in fact, some might say that this year’s is the best line up yet.

Not us, obviously. Why would we say that? Anyone desperate to appear on Dancing On Ice will be turning tricks for three Kit Kats and a Bounty before Year’s End. But, consummate professionals as we are, we should take a cursory glance over who’s putting themselves up for our derision.

It’s only right.

Corey Feldman, with some ridiculous Jackson-esque fringe nonsense leads the list of desperadoes, followed closely by (soon to be ex) Sugababe Heidi Range and professional Student Union performer, Chesney Hawkes as the triumvirate of twats that everyone will have heard of. Especially with Gremlins being on ITV2 every night over Christmas. That film is full of the Feldman.

Then there’s fitness expert Rosemary Conley, who we can’t bring ourselves to speak ill of, Sam and Mark, who we do nothing other than speak ill of, Emmerdale spunky hunk Matthew Wolfenden and his binary opposite Andy Whyment (its Kirk. Kirk. Him with the nose).

Giving it a college try there’s also Laila Morse (the fattest Eastender now that Pat Butcher went to the Great Kathy’s Cafe in the sky *sniff*), ex-Blue Peter presenter and soon to be cocaine addict, Andy Akinwolere and the great big pair of tits that is Jennifer Ellison.

And Chemmy Alcott, Charlene Tilton and Sebastien Foucan, who we don’t know, and don’t need to know.

Who’s your favourite to fall flat on their face and dissolve into a mess of blood and tears? We’d quite like to see what damage a collision with ice will do to Kirk’s already deformed nose.

If this article were a Facebook page, which it’s not and never will be, it would be called “That Awkward Moment When You Realise That Jeff Brazier Probably Describes Everything He Does With An Obscure Simile”.

Naturally that would be without the minute attention to spelling and grammar that we have. We really did get that awkward, aching feeling in the pit of our collective stomach (we all share one to save money) when we read in an interview with New! Magazine that Dancing On Ice star and celebrity father Jeff Brazier “kisses like a Jedi”.

What does a statement like that even mean? Presumably Jeff was implying the finesse and poise that a Jedi Knight might employ when kissing a lady; if they were allowed. Which they’re not. Primarily because it’s against their ‘code’ and secondarily because they’re entirely fictional and no amount of wearing a hooded dressing gown and hilariously filling it in as a religion on your Census form is going to change that.

Perhaps though, Jeff was referring to the moments leading up to the kiss. Waving his hand in front of a woman and speaking in a softened, more wizened version of his trademark ‘cheeky-chappy-Artful-Twatter’ accent says; “You do want me to stick my tongue down your throat.”

All this got us thinking though; what other things does Jeff Brazier do like other things?

Does he brush his teeth like Morrissey? Cut his toenails like a Cylon?

hecklerspray has made a list of the most likely candidates.

Showers Like The Robot from Lost in Space

It’s a little known fact that Jeff Brazier is actually afraid of water. It started out as a small fear of jellyfish until he began to believe that jellyfish lived in all bodies of water, regardless of their size or status of containment. In the world of being a celebrity dad, Jeff has to look his best and therefore must take showers. However, in order to properly fend off the “immediate” threat of being stung to death by the box jellyfish that lives in his shower-head, Jeff will flail his arms wildly in order to parry the necrotising tentacles of the beast if and when it decides to attack.

Gardens Like Astro (from The Jetsons, you berk)

Jeff Brazier is a keen gardener and has been ever since Alan Titchmarsh stopped doing Ground Force and Jeff thought he might have an ‘in’ with Charlie Dimmock. Jeff’s main skills were digging up the garden with the focussed drive and verve of Astro chasing his tail. Unfortunately when it came to putting plants in, Jeff remained non-plussed and decided instead to make a Mississipi Mud-Pie dessert for himself. Out of mud. Unfortunately, Jeff was left heartbroken as, during an audition for Ground Force Episode VI: Return of the Force Dimmock and handyman Tommy Walsh decided to finally do one-another and with it stripped back 15 years of sexual tension leaving the show’s revival redundant. You can still hear Dimmock orgasm in the background of those Van Insurance ads that Walsh does*.

Drinks Like Mad Max

That’s not to imply that Jeff drinks as heavily as Mel Gibson. Only one man on earth drinks more heavily than Mel Gibson. In fact, we have a chart on the wall of the hecklerspray bedsit with two pictures on it. Mel Gibson is at the bottom and Charlie Sheen is at the top. It’s like a league table of outright insanity. However, Jeff is far from an alcoholic and instead smacks of a man who is more likely to tank a bottle of banana flavoured milk than a bottle of bourbon. He’s to be saluted for that. However, he occasionally drinks so much banana milk that he falls into a sugar-coma for hours. It’s the only way to relax and escape a world obsessed with celebrity and vanity. Apocalyptic.

Shags Like A Vulcan

You know… once every seven years! Right? Right?! Oh, sod off.

“Shoots” Like a Stormtrooper

hecklerspray articles are very much like porn films. Most of the time, they end with the money-shot and leave you feeling cheapened and dirty. After such a film has finished- and once they’ve had a chance to clean themselves up- ask any sci-fi fan about the accuracy of a Stormtrooper with a blaster. They’ve probably told you that a Stormtrooper is far from accurate with a blaster gun. Unfortunately for Jeff, this is another similarity that he shares with science fiction characters. He nearly always misses his intended target. Mr Brazier has never been guilty of inflicting “the painter’s radio” scenario.

*No you can’t. Stop trying.

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Fear not everyone, science hasn’t given birth to an experimental creature that promised so much, yet delivered very little. This could have been an exciting post about some sort of weird creature that looks like a wolf, walks like a human and still humps your leg for no apparent reason.

Instead, it’s much more disappointing than that. Someone called Jeff Brazier can lick his genitals, you know like a dog. In fact, he might hump your leg for no reason, we just don’t know.

You’ll probably accuse us of reporting this because of actual news in Egypt dominating the headlines and there’s bugger else happening.We’ll be honest, we just want to make Jeff Brazier’s PR work overtime to correct the foolish remarks he’s uttered.

Unless viewers of Dancing On Ice, the show on which he features are sex-mad, then this probably won’t help him win the overall prize of a multipack of Magnum ice-cream.

Presumably, the talent of cock licking – which we assume will lead to a DIY blowjob – is something that Jeff Brazier wants us all to know about. But is it a skill that he’d ever demonstrate in front of three judges and booing audience members?

Britain’s Got Talent is still auditioning people so we believe. Perhaps he can try and impress unfunny comedian Michael McIntyre, a man who has turned in to the programme’s hard-to-please individual by making small children cry.

So, let’s try and get down to the mystery of how Jeff Brazier discovered his fascinating talent. Logically, there isn’t a definitive way of realising the hidden ability to suck your own winky. Realistically, we think he was forced to shove a hotdog down his foreskin before being forced to remove the object only using his teeth all part of some weird initiation ceremony for a gang or book club.

DS reports Jeff as saying:

“It originated from when I was an apprentice at Leyton Orient. The older pros had noticed that I had a talent, and one night, when I was on reserves, one of them said to me, ‘I bet you could probably suck your own thingy, couldn’t you?’ And then another one went, ‘Go on, try it!’”

For those only familiar with football clubs in the Premiership, Leyton Orient play in English football’s League One where it’s more pies and whippets than prawn sandwiches and WAGS. This incident of being asked to “suck your own thing” must have happened after a post match shower, with all the players examining each other’s tackle as they scrubbed up.

Brazier continued:

“I did, yeah. I was young and pretty impressionable. I managed to touch myself with my tongue. I didn’t spend too long down there, I have to say. It was just making the contact that was the impressive part. But I think it was just to do with being young and flexible.”

Who said footballers, commentators and anyone else connected with the game only sexually objectified women? If footage of Jeff Brazier licking his own fireman’s pole ever surfaces, we know they’ll be thousands of women looking to smash or stomp it.

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No matter what Dancing On Ice does in the future – even it somehow finds a cure for Piers Morgan – it will always be remembered for Todd Carty wobbling about on the rink like a drunk trying to stand up on a lilo in a pool.

Maybe that’s because the celebrities hired for the show are so eye-poppingly poor that no-one ever really manges to recall a full memory of the show… and the new series looks like it’ll be no different.

That’s because Vanilla Ice and Calum Best are being lined up to take part in the Strictly Come Ice Skating show, as well as a whole other bunch of no marks.

Of course, this isn’t the first time either of these slebs have appeared on reality/format TV. Vanilla Ice is no longer famous in our collective heads as being the man who rapped “Ice ice baby”. That’s in part, thanks to the Halifax now claiming it as their own, prompting people to clench their fists so hard their knuckles go white and their finger nails drop-off.

No, Vanilla Ice (real name: Something really amusing) is only famous for his appearance on The Farm where he hilariously got his arse handed to him by an irate Paul Daniels who shouted at him ’til his ears evaporated.

Best, of course, is famous for sticking his penis into various women despite being of No Fixed Talent. He, of course, appeared in Celebrity Love Island, bearing witness to Paul Danan’s staggering and numerous nervous breakdowns, which in a way, we really should applaud him for.

The other rumoured participants on the show are equally grim.

There’s been mutterings that Kerry Katona, Jonathan Wilkes and Tim Westwood have been lined up to skid around an ice rink on their ears. If these all transpire to be true, then by God, there’s a chance that this could be the worst/best programme ever aired.

Just think of it. Westwood and Vanilla Ice talking each other up before breaking numerous bones live on our television sets.

Wonderful.

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If television isn’t bad enough to watch on a daily basis, TV execs make it ten-times worse by hiring unrelenting prick-jobs like Jason Gardiner. Under the assumption that Everyone Loves A Pantomime Dame, he chirrups away like a tumble-drier loaded up with idiocy, upsetting everyone and anyone he can. And guess what? He’s at it again (and thereby leaving the door wide open for everyone else to call him every name under the sun).

Yep. Gardiner is a man that thrives on faux-controversy on his Dancing on Ice gig and, regardless of what has actually happened in front of his piss-hole eyes, he arches an eyebrow and volleys up things like ‘you remind me of a shit in a bowl, swirling ’round and ’round’ and ‘your arms look like the veins on my member – you’re disgusting, arousing and I’m going to either eat you or dismantle your cranium… you shit ice-skater.’

So who is in his sights now? Well, he’s said that  former Emmerdale actress Hayley Tamaddon (who?)  is certain to win the pointless prancing cake of a show… only because the other finalists are “pillocks”.

Tamaddon will piss about on a lump of frozen water against Gary Lucy and Kieron Richardson (both former Hollyoakers) in Sunday’s final after Daniella Westbrook was voted off the show last weekend.

When asked by The Sun about Lucy and Richardson’s chances of winning he commented:

“With those pillocks, do we need to even rock up on Sunday? Can we just give Hayley the crown and go home?”

Did no-one think to tell him that indeed, the show was over and that he would be free to return to some vapid non-celebrity status and anonymity post haste? Clearly not as, bafflingly, ITV seem intent on paying this vacuous testicle a wage.

Naturally, he didn’t want to merely slag off the contestants. Any ol’ chump can do that. No, he wanted to ensure that the staff-room (if indeed, Dancing on Ice has a staff-room) was frostier than Santa’s arse-eye.

Gardiner criticised fellow judges Karen Barber, Nicky Slater and Robin Cousins for choosing to save Lucy over Westbrook in the semi-final saying:

“Danniella wasn’t as good a skater as Gary but was a better performer. We have three skating judges on the panel and only two performance and dance judges.

“So they decided to go with skating prowess over the dance performance and it annoys me as it is called Dancing On Ice. What people at home pick up on more is the dancing.”

No Jason, what people pick up at home is the remote control. If only the studio audience sat behind him would pick up a rubber brick or two and launch them at his head during a transmission… then we’d have a programme really worth watching. Even Holly Willoughby would stick the boot in!

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Reality shows have often confused and left us scratching our heads as to what they’re about.

Big Brother isn’t about siblings. Strictly Come Dancing sounds like some sort of torturous experience. And A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila? That could literally be anything if you’ve got a filthy enough mind.

What is plain, simple and to the point is Dancing On Ice. It literally does what it says on the tin. Some people will attempt to skate on some ice whilst falling over for our amusement. But they aren’t just any people – they’re celebrities! Therefore it adds immediate coolness. Because we wouldn’t watch if it was a family from Stoke battling against one from Coventry. After the jump, the personalities who’ll be breaking their arms on the ice when the show returns in January.

Sinitta – Does she really have one name or is she one of those Brazilian types who like to add dramatic effect to themselves? Despite being a singer once, we can’t remember anything she’s ever sung. All she’s known for now is being Simon Cowell‘s ex-girlfriend and scarily wearing just banana leaves on this year’s X Factor.

Mikey Graham – Are Boyzone still going or are they just on an extended holiday? This Irishman is a member of the group, so he’ll quite likely squeal a pitch-perfect tone if he accidentally gets his ballsack stuck to the ice while making an arse of a routine.

Tana Ramsay – Wife of Gordon Ramsay. Could win from sympathy votes alone.

Heather Mills – She would like to be known as a charity worker, peg-leg or the star of a 1980s German sex manual, but this won’t happen. Legions of sad Beatles fanboys will watch in vain hoping she breaks her one remaining leg. If I’m A Celebrity-style challenges could be used on this show, Heather Mills would be voted to do them all.

Dr. Hilary Jones – Just give the man the title now, he is a legend of morning TV. Thanks to his advice, we’ve been able to safely clean up our leaky nipple problem without going to see a real GP. The sort of man you wouldn’t let near your children despite looking so trustworthy.

Bobby Davro – Look at this video. Fast-forward to 3.50. Realise that you don’t want this man to be famous again. Vote him off Dancing On Ice at the first possible opportunity.

Danniella Westbrook – Most famous for losing half her nose then her rubbish acting on EastEnders, she is going to be the producers’ modern and trendy’ contestant. Even though pensioners will hate her for being an ex-drug addict.

Jeremy Sheffield – Starred in second rate Casualty spin-off Holby City where he fixed dying people and told relatives that the insides of their loved ones are splattered across various motorways. Once starred in a car advert, so he’ll be looking to expand his profile after the show. Also a trained ballet dancer, which hardly seems very fair.

Hayley Tamaddon – No idea.

Danny Young – From Coronation Street, which might mean something to some of you.

Gary Lucy – Started off in Hollyoaks and went up the shit TV ladder to Footballers Wives. Presumably living off the income off DVD sales of stuff he’s starred in, this will give him a cash boost until he resorts to doing porn.

Emily Atack – This shows how desperate the programme is for ‘celebrities’ when they ask someone whose major TV role has been to play ten-second roles as Neil’s sister in Channels 4’s The Inbetweeners. Won’t get very far as she is a model and fat girls who can’t ice skaters will hate her. Related to Paul McCartney, though, so that could (won’t) be interesting.

Kieron Richardson – Another Hollyoaks person. Says it all.

Sharron Davies – Someone must have lied to this poor Olympic swimmer. Not only is she the most talented there, but she will find it hard to breaststroke through solid ice.

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Lights on, lights off.

Folded:

• Our redesign (radical)
• This clip of upcoming car wank-fest Fast and Furious (‘cos it’s, like, mental)
• Quantum of Solace on DVD (give it another chance. It’s short)
• Surrendering to Twitter (even dead people are using it now)
• Watchmen: The End is Nigh (simple Streets of Rage/Final Fight style fun)

Creased:

• Our redesign (er, radical)
• 1408 (this film is worse than scalding yourself. John Cusack though, as good as ever)
• Dancing on Ice (it’s finished, it’s done, let’s never talk about it again)
• Rip-off squirrel crisps (no actual squirrel, not actually interested)
• People who model their own clothes on eBay (yeah, it looks crap on you so I’m likely to buy it, aren’t I?)

So this is it, our last Dancing On Ice dispatch of the year. We won’t pretend that it’s been fun. Or good. Or worthwhile.

But over the months we’ve seen all kinds of Dancing On Ice-related excitement take place. Todd Carty almost falling over, um… no, actually Todd Carty was the only piece of Dancing On Ice-related excitement to happen this year. But who’ll win? That’s down to you. Well, not you. The people who vote on shows like Dancing On Ice. You know, the illiterates.

Anyway, here’s our final look at the inevitable Dancing On Ice winner, Ray Quinn…

Ray Quinn – Thank God the Dancing On Ice final is almost here. It means we can get all this nonsense over and done with now. Yes, Ray Quinn is going to win, just like he’s been going to do from the first second of his first performance all those months ago. Or will he? Donal MacIntyre hasn’t been tested by a skate-off either, so for all we know he could be the public favourite instead. It’d be just like the X Factor final all over again, wouldn’t it, except with a creepy old man beating him into first place instead of a world-class vocalist.

Oh, who are we kidding, Ray Quinn’s going to win Dancing On Ice. And it’s going to make him unbearable. Not as unbearable as he was on Sunday, mind you – ahead of his routine to some old shit that sounded like it had been taped from inside a ropey tapas bar, Ray Quinn needed to learn passion. And for that he basically got taught how to pull a facial expression that made him look like a rapist. As for the routine itself? Yeah yeah, well done, you’re so good at ice skating. Now go away. Dancing On Ice score – 28

Next week: EUROVISION!

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It’s the final of Dancing On Ice on Sunday and, despite all the nasty things we’ve said about it lately, we’re sad.

Why? Because we’ve just realised that throughout Dancing On Ice, Jane Torvill has been dressing in an increasingly inappropriate way, culminating on Sunday with an outfit that she appeared to have stolen from a teenage girl. If Dancing On Ice had lasted just a month longer, we swear we’d be seeing her in a nappy and bib. And now we won’t. Sad.

Never mind, here’s the Dancing On Ice final rundown for Donal MacIntyre…

Donal MacIntyre – Everyone says that, on shows like Dancing On Ice, the public loves a journey. And, in a series of Dancing On Ice where Ray Quinn started good and ended good and Coleen Nolan started crap and ended crap, Donal MacIntyre has had the closest thing to a journey, given his very marginal improvement  throughout the last few months. Just getting to the final has been huge for him – to the extent that he’s probably looking for an undercover journalism/ skating crossover show to maximise his appeal. It’d be great, like a version of The Cook Report where all the crooks are either hockey players or small children. Donal’s routine to Live And Let Die on Sunday came in two parts. The first part seemed to involve him spelling out ‘I’m a creepy old tit’ in semaphore with his arms with an anguished look on his face, and the second part was about him barrelling around the ice rink looking like he was going to topple over at any second. Needless to say, neither were great. Dancing On Ice score – 22.5

Tomorrow: That’s right, Ray Quinn.

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Next week sees the Dancing On Ice final take place – and it’ll be taking place without Coleen Nolan.

Things were against Coleen Nolan from the very start. Last night Coleen Nolan had to contend with a back injury that she picked up in training. And to her credit, during her routine to You’re Still The One, it didn’t seem as if Coleen was injured at all. Admittedly that’s because she always skates like a woman with a smashed spine, but never mind.

So who’ll win Dancing On Ice on Sunday? Here’s our rundown for Jessica Taylor…

Jessica Taylor -  If you judged Dancing On Ice purely on its merits then Jessica Taylor would finish the final in second place. Then again, if you judged Dancing On Ice purely on its merits then it would have been cancelled after the first episode. Anyway, the point is that, despite being comparatively decent at Dancing On Ice, the judges have had to save Jessica Taylor from elimination twice now, so it’s almost certain that she’ll be first out next week. Maybe one day we’ll find out why Jessica Taylor was so disliked – maybe it was jealousy, maybe the public was intimidated by her talent, or maybe it’s just that she gives off the impression that holding a conversation with her would be like trying to persuade a monkey to tapdance. Who really knows? Apparently, according to the Dancing On Ice judges, Jessica’s fundamentals during her routine to Why last night were even better than Ray Quinn’s. We don’t know if that’s true or not because, as usual with Jessica Taylor’s routines, we completely drifted off about 10 seconds in and started to think about crisps or something. Dancing On Ice score – 26.5

Tomorrow: the Dancing On Ice final profile for Donal MacIntyre.

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