Guess what tech fans! Those Chinese tinkerers have made another copy of an Apple trademark that’s bound to cause a stir, if not entirely offend fanboys and turtle neck wearers everywhere.

Having already found success with the SciPhone and a full sized replica Apple store, those crown princes of piracy, the Chinese, have now created THE ULTIMATE ACTION FIGURE, in the form of Apple founder Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs. ACTION figure. ACTION… Steve Jobs?

Girls have their Barbies, boys have their Action Men and now, the long forgotten subset of androgynous hipsters that swathe around Shoreditch coffee houses will have their own doll to play and sexually experiment with.

Naturally, being an Apple product (albeit a fake Apple product) it’s ludicrously expensive, costing a whopping £65, doesn’t work with flash and it can’t play any real games. Not that you’d want it to play games, no, this action figure is all about the way it helps you do your design work, isn’t it?

You smarmy tit.

Rather predictably, Apple haven’t responded to this trademark infringement well. After all, what was Steve Jobs if not another trademark for Apple to profit off of?

Apple issued a statement to the Daily Mail, saying:

“Mr Jobs has not consented to the use of his name and/or image in the product.”

NO SHIT SHERLOCK, HE’S DEAD! We’re no experts, but we’re pretty sure it’s never going to be the easiest thing in the world for a Chinese company to obtain the image licensing rights to a deceased technology behemoth.

Aside from stating the obvious in the Mail, Apple are believed to have started legal proceedings against the two companies behind the Steve Jobs iAction figure, InIcon and Dragon in Dream.

They’re also rumoured to be preparing a press statement for the Independent that will confirm that the Pope is indeed a Catholic.

Hold the phone, word’s coming in that the unthinkable has just happened – brace yourselves, Sharon Stone has done something that isn’t utterly stupid.

This doesn’t happen often, so make the most of it. After saying that the recent Chinese earthquake, which has killed 70,000 people and left another five million homeless, was the result of bad karma for the country’s mistreatment of Tibet, Sharon Stone has managed to finally issue an apology.

Sharon Stone says she’s so sorry for offending the Chinese people with her thoughtless remarks that she’s going to devote herself to helping those affected by the earthquake however she can. Does anyone else get the feeling this is going to end with a patronising feature-length documentary entitled Damage Limitation: Sharon Stone Cries At Some Chinese People And Insincerely Refers To Them As ‘Incredible Little People’? Just us?

History shows that Sharon Stone doesn’t have the best grasp of things. If Catwoman and Basic Instinct 2 weren’t clear enough signs of this, then perhaps the time she called Germans “naughty” and “nasty” will do. Still not convinced? OK, Sharon Stone may have had sex with Christian Slater. Yeah, we thought that’d do it. We’re all on the same page now.

So, given that she’s a pretty dreadful judge of, well, everything, it wasn’t really a surprise when Sharon Stone called the Chinese earthquake ‘karma’ for not giving independence to Tibet. A week after it happened. To a Chinese TV crew. On camera. Just because it’s so staggeringly ill-judged, here’s what Sharon Stone said again:

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Retribution – or is that karma? – was swift. The largest chain of cinemas in China instantly banned all Sharon Stone movies from being shown, while it’s also been reported that Christian Dior is removing Stone from all its advertisements in the country, and Louis Vuitton is considering doing the same.

So, with so much furious criticism thundering around her, Sharon Stone has done the inevitable and released a statement apologising for possessing roughly as much basic intelligence as an infant. We’re paraphrasing – here’s what Sharon Stone actually said:

“Due to my inappropriate words and acts during the interview, I feel deeply sorry and sad about hurting Chinese people. I am willing to take part in the relief work of China’s earthquake, and wholly devote myself to helping affected Chinese people.”

And, lest you doubt, this is the most heartfelt and sincere apology a celebrity can give – the apology that can only come when a number of huge companies threaten to stop paying you endorsement deals because you’ve fucked off an emerging superpower. Sharon Stone has never meant anything more than this apology in her entire life, we’re sure.

And perhaps this experience will help Sharon Stone as a person, too. For starters it might mean that her level of interest in any causes extends to more that ‘Tibet good, China bad’, but it might also bleed into her decisions as an actress as well, as evidenced by the way we’re fairly certain that her next movie will be a dramatisation of the earthquake starring Sharon Stone in some racially-insensitive Chinese make-up.

But only if it’s written so that Sharon Stone stops the earthquake from happening by giving freedom to Tibet and then gets worshipped as a god by all the citizens of Earth, naturally. All movies need a hero.