As if battling stage 4 pancreatic cancer and holding on for much longer than anyone anticipated wasn’t enough, Patrick Swayze now also has pneumonia beat. Last week Patrick Swayze checked himself into hospital with pneumonia, but he’s already well enough to be released.

It just goes to show Patrick Swayze’s tenacity. In fact, we’re starting to think that this Ghost’s final scene all over again – God isn’t letting Patrick Swayze die until he chops a baddie in half with a window or something.

Since he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer last year, Patrick Swayze has never taken the easy option. Not only has he dealt with the illness in public, letting everyone know his fears and bravery in intimate detail, but he’s also found the time to film an entire TV series – foregoing painkillers and only taking one day off throughout the shoot.

And if that wasn’t enough, Patrick Swayze has even decided to take on additional illnesses as well. Last week Patrick Swayze admitted himself to hospital with pneumonia, and obviously the world feared the worst – the chemotherapy had ravaged his immune system and if it didn’t finish him off for good then at the very least everyone expected an indefinite hospital stay.

Turns out, though, that all the worry was unnecessary. Just one week later and Patrick Swayze is well enough to leave hospital and return home, as BBC News reports:

Actor Patrick Swayze has been released from hospital one week after checking himself in with pneumonia, his publicist has confirmed. Annett Wolf would not elaborate on the Dirty Dancing star’s condition, but said he was “well enough to have been released”, and was resting at home.

It almost defies belief that Patrick Swayze can continue to do so well in the face of such gigantic hurdles. In fact, if we were Swayze we’d see how far our luck could go and riverdance across a motorway or deliberately enrage a bear with a stick or something. The way he’s going, we’re pretty sure he’d escape from both unscathed.

Honestly, our admiration for Patrick Swayze is tempered only by the fact that he didn’t show this strength of spirit when he was choosing his movie roles. Because, really, he can fight off pneumonia but he couldn’t say no to Steel Dawn? Disappointing.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

We know this because we once attended Samantha Ronson’s productivity seminar Shut Up Coal Miners: I Work Much Harder Than Any Of You Idiots. True, we only went because we heard Lindsay Lohan was going to be there, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, Samantha Ronson works so hard that she recently went to hospital for exhaustion. Apparently she went straight to the Overdramatic Tosspot clinic, where she was diagnosed by a Dr Getarealjob. True story.

If you want to know why Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson go so well together, you just have to look at a list of their common interests. They’re both lesbians, for example, which helps. And they both love to blog about what a horrible dickwad Lindsay Lohan’s dad is. But more than that, both Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson know the value of hard labour.

Just look at Lindsay Lohan. That woman works so hard that she gets hospitalised for exhaustion all the time. Like when she got dehydrated and collapsed on that film set because she was just working too bloody hard? That was an awful, perfectly legitimate, moment in Lindsay Lohan’s life, and the main contributing factor for Lindsay Lohan not making many films any more. It isn’t that she’s box office poison and has one of the worst reputations in Hollywood. It’s because she gets exhausted.

And now that goes for Samantha Ronson as well. Her DJing career has really taken off now that nightclubs have realised that Lindsay Lohan will definitely turn up as well if they booked her. We don’t why that it is. Maybe she’s just a really good DJ.

But anyway, because she’s so in-demand lately, Samantha Ronson’s life has turned into an endless orgy of travel and work. And, seriously, if you think you know what exhaustion is, you should try getting paid thousands of dollars to stand in a roped-off section of a grotty nightclub playing records with a bored look on your face for a couple of hours at a time. That’s work.

And it’s why Samantha Ronson was recently hospitalised for exhaustion. But don’t worry, because she’s fine again now, as the New York Daily News reports:

“I’m home and all good,” Ronson, 31, said in a MySpace Celebrity blog post on Monday after being released from a Los Angeles hospital. LiLo’s gal pal visited Cedars-Sinai Medical Center Sunday afternoon, mere hours after spinning tunes at Hollywood’s Ecco Ultra Lounge alongside her girlfriend. “Was just pretty exhausted from traveling and working too much,” Ronson said, adding, “my Jewish mother was worried about me.”

Actually, we shouldn’t mock Samantha Ronson – sources are claiming that her exhaustion actually stems from a mixture of depression, lack of food and lack of sleep, which doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy combination. But if Samantha Ronson started eating and sleeping, then she’d quickly lose her trademark look – that of a novelty eraser-tipped pencil shaped like Mickey Pearce from Only Fools And Horses – and that’d be no good either. It’s a catch-22 if ever we saw one.

However, it’s almost Christmas – the perfect time for Samantha Ronson to put her feet up and take it easy. True, she’ll have to wait for scientists to discover a new way to take it easy that exerts even less energy than the thing she does for a living, but she can wait.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And nor did Angelina Jolie. And nor did any of their kids. But they might have done, after it was reported last night that paramedics were sent to Brad Pitt’s house. Or near Brad Pitt’s house. Or past it. Or one of the paramedics looked at a picture of Brad Pitt about half an hour before the call. Or something.

But Brad Pitt is fine. The reports were all wrong. Nobody went to hospital. It’s definitely not a slow news day.

Brad Pitt knows just how to burst Jennifer Aniston’s bubble, doesn’t he? Their movie promotion war – he’s releasing The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button on the same day that she’s releasing Marley & Me – is reaching its final week, and there’s nothing that Brad Pitt won’t do to undermine his ex-wife at every turn.

What’s that, Jennifer Aniston? You want children? Well Brad Pitt’s got children. Loads of them. You’ve got naked on the cover of a magazine? So what? Brad Pitt’s girlfriend got naked in a film about a supermodel and she actually played the supermodel and he loves her very much.

And, oh, what’s that Jennifer Aniston? You’ve decided to sell the tie you wore on your naked photoshoot for charity? Well, um, Brad Pitt’s, um… oh no! His heart! He’s having a heart attack! Quick, everyone, look at Brad Pitt! He’s actually having a heart attack!

Except, oh, no he’s not. He’s fine. Brad Pitt’s fine and so is everyone in his entire family. But an ambulance stopped quite near Brad Pitt’s house yesterday and everyone got very excited about it regardless. MSNBC reports:

On Thursday night, OK! Magazine reported that paramedics were called to the Los Angeles home shared by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Thursday night, and that an elderly man was transported to the hospital. But later, TMZ.com reported that the call was not made from Pitt’s house, but from a neighboring residence, and that a 100-year-old man was transported from that home to the hospital. The man was not identified.

So that’s essentially it. The biggest non-story that we, or any news organisation, has ever run in the history of time. Brad Pitt didn’t go to hospital but an ambulance did sort of go past his house to pick up a very old man. That’s it. Show’s over.

Unless – wait a minute – a very old man? But isn’t Brad Pitt’s new film about… a very old man? Oh, now we get it! This is all just an elaborate promotional stunt for The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button! Ingenious! Ha! How are you going to follow that, Jennifer Aniston? You can’t, can you? Brad Pitt wins again! BRAD PITT WINS AGAIN!

Unless, you know, that 100-year-old man died or something. That wouldn’t be so nice. But anyway, BRAD PITT WINS AGAIN! WOOOOO!!

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

That’s right, it’s time for another installment of our four-billion-part series ‘Amy Winehouse Goes To Hospital For Something That’s Probably Got Something To Do With Drugs.’ In this edition, Amy Winehouse goes to hospital for something that’s probably got something to do with drugs.

Apparently Amy Winehouse was admitted to a clinic on Sunday after reacting badly to medication, and she’s been kept there to undergo tests. Sadly, those tests include the ‘Here’s a picture of a fan, do you sincerely thank them for their support or punch them in the face?’ test and the ‘Is it better to look like a human being or a cave drawing of a rampaging lizardman?’ test, so it looks like Amy will remain in hospital for the foreseeable.

You know how jokers always say that planes should be made out of the same material as their black box recorders? They’re wrong. If planes want to be completely indestructible, they should be made of bits of Amy Winehouse.

True, it’d make air travel noisier, more erratic and far more terrifying – plus all the planes would be so smelly and dirty-looking that everyone would have to coat their seats with newspaper first so as not to catch any sort of horrible disease, but the planes would be indestructible.

And that’s because Amy Winehouse is indestructible. Yes, she might look like an extra from a Popeye Variety Hour spoof of 28 Days Later, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that if you tried to keep up with Amy Winehouse’s lifestyle – the drug overdoses, the fistfights with strangers, the being married to a steaming wazzock – you’d be dead within a week.

Not Amy Winehouse, though. She’s still going strong. Well, not strong, obviously – Amy Winehouse is in hospital because some medication went crazy inside her body – but she’s still going. She’s barely going. Amy Winehouse is barely going. Reuters reports:

Singer Amy Winehouse is in hospital after reacting badly to medication, a spokesman said on Tuesday. The 25-year-old Grammy winner was admitted to a clinic after falling ill on Sunday and has been kept there for tests.

If that sounds familiar, it’s because it is – four months ago Amy Winehouse ended up in hospital for the exact same thing. And in four months’ time it’ll happen again. And again after that. Look, we’re no medical experts or anything, but if your medication keeps making you so ill that you have to keep going to hospital, maybe you should stop taking it. Or, you know switch to Tixylix. Amy Winehouse’s doctors are idiots.

But still, at least Amy Winehouse is in hospital being treated properly for her illness now, and the biggest danger while she’s in there will be withdrawal. No, not her withdrawal from drugs, silly – we’re talking about our withdrawal from seeing paparazzi photos of Amy Winehouse standing on her doorstep in newspapers every single day.

Honestly, if we don’t see a brand new picture of Amy Winehouse dressed up like Mumm-Ra’s concussed and scabby stepmother every single day, we don’t know what we’ll do. We might have to downgrade to looking at pictures of serious burns victims or something equally meek in comparison. Bleurgh.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And, as such, Winona Ryder has decided to try out a brave new look for visit to London this week. It’s a look that fashion insiders have already dubbed ‘worryingly ill on an aeroplane chic’. And Winona Ryder pulls it off with aplomb, or at least she did yesterday when she got ill on an aeroplane to London and had to be rushed to hospital upon landing.

But don’t worry, solitary remaining Winona Ryder fan – despite rumours of an overdose, your skinny hero was quickly discharged from hospital. And for an extra dollop of good news, Winona Ryder left the airport by ambulance, so she didn’t even set off the metal detectors with all the cutlery she’d been compulsively stashing down her trousers for the duration of the flight (please don’t sue us for making that last bit up).

Winona Ryder might have had her years in the wilderness. OK, her decade. Winona Ryder might have had her entire decade in the wilderness, but now she’s coming back with full force. As Spock’s mother in the upcoming Star Trek movie, Winona Ryder has been given a second chance at the big league, and she’s going to grab it with both hands.

So there’ll be none of the old Winona Ryder craziness any more, OK? No high-profile shoplifting stories, no disgusting stories about having sex with angry hobbits, no drawing attention to yourself by suddenly falling ill on an aeroplane and being rushed to hospital amid rumours of an accidental tranquiliser overdos… wait. Oh Winona, you didn’t.

She did. Or she might have done. Here’s what we know – on a flight from London yesterday, Winona Ryder suddenly got ill and was taken to hospital as a precautionary measure, where she was checked out and quickly discharged. However, The Sun has a slightly different take on the matter:

Winona, 37, had her stomach pumped at a West London hospital. It is believed she mistakenly took too many Xanax pills — used to treat anxiety. One passenger said: “She turned a deathly shade of pale. It was scary.” The Boeing 747’s captain requested a ‘priority landing’ and touched down 22 minutes early at 11.13am.

If it’s true, then that’s fair enough – flying is terrifying. Everyone has their own way to relax on a flight – some do exercises, some listen to jazz. Winona Ryder just seems to enjoy getting shitfaced on tranquilisers, collapsing and getting rushed to hospital to have her stomach pumped. And that’s perfectly fine. Rather that than sit through the in-flight movie, anyway. Especially if it happens to be any Winona Ryder movie made since 1999. Bleurgh.

But look at The Sun’s paragraph again. Because Winona Ryder suddenly got ill on her flight, the pilot managed to get to Heathrow 22 minutes quicker than usual. That’s incredible. Forget neck pillows and support stockings, it seems like all you need to make your long-haul flights slightly less unbearable is a skinny barely-famous idiot with delusions of grandeur who seems to be constantly on the brink of pharmaceutically-assisted death.

That’s it. Winehouse, you’re coming on holiday with us next year. If our theory hold up we’ll reach America in about 25 minutes.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

On Sunday Britney Spears got to take her children out of California for the very first time since she lost custody of them. And that’s the exact moment that her two-year-old son Jayden James decided to get hospitalised for an allergic reaction to something he ate. Apparently kids don’t take too well to eating shards of broken Lego bricks wedged between slices of frozen animal piss. Who knew?

Oh, we’re joking – Britney Spears’ son wasn’t hospitalised for anything Britney did, and he’s now been released. In fact, we get the feeling that he only went to hospital because all the men in white coats reminded him of when he used to live with mummy.

There’s just something about Britney Spears, isn’t there? It doesn’t matter what she does, she just can’t quite seem to achieve total across the board happiness. The happiness of Britney Spears’ marriage was ruined when she realised that her husband was a cornrowed redneck waste of skin. The happiness that should have accompanied the freedom of her divorce was shattered when it properly sent her mental.

And now this. Britney Spears might be on the brink of a full-scale professional comeback with her Womanizer song doing so well and her next single Kill The Lights looking set to do the same because it’s basically the exact same song, but that hasn’t stopped something genuinely upsetting from happening in her private life.

Last weekend marked the very first time that Britney Spears was allowed to leave California with her children since she lost custody of them to Kevin Federline earlier this year. It was Britney Spears’ big chance to prove that – after the dangerous driving and the skull fractures and all the rest of the frenzied crap that resulted in Britney Spears losing them in the first place – she could actually be trusted around her children.

And then one of them wound up in hospital. Whoops.

It was reported yesterday that Jayden James, the youngest of Britney’s kids, had a seizure and was rushed to hospital. Luckily, though, that diagnosis has now been downgraded to ‘allergic reaction’, and Jayden James has now been discharged. Newsday reports:

Jayden James, 2, was admitted to the Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center on Sunday after having “a reaction to something he ingested,” a representative for Spears’ family said in a statement, according to The Associated Press.  The hospital is near Spears’ home in Kentwood, La., where she was reportedly staying with family.

Although ’something he ingested’ sounds worryingly vague, we’re positive that whatever it was had nothing to do with Britney Spears’ state of mind or skills as a parent. We just hope that this ends here – after all, if Jayden James realises that he can get some time away from Kevin Federline and Britney Spears by going to hospital, God knows what he’ll do to get back there next week.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

We’ll give you the good news first, and then the better news. The good news is that Janet Jackson has left hospital. On Monday night, when Janet Jackson suddenly fell ill and was hospitalised right before a concert, there were fears that Janet had succumbed to some sort of incredibly serious disease.

But it’s OK, because she didn’t stay in hospital for long enough for that to be feasible, as E! Online reports:

According to Rebecca Burns, a spokeswoman for the hospital, the 42-year-old Grammy winner “was discharged after a few hours.” Burns declined to elaborate on the singer’s condition, citing patient confidentiality rules. In a brief statement, the singer’s publicist did not address her ailment but said Jackson “is recuperating.”

A few hours? That’s how long it takes to even get seen in a hospital, isn’t it? If you went to hospital for a few hours anywhere around here you’d spend the entirety of that time sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair watching Cash In The Attic repeats on a TV with the volume turned down next to a coughing old lady.

If Janet Jackson was only in hospital for a few hours, chances are she hung around for a bit, listened to a doctor say “There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting my time,” and went home again. She’s going to be OK!

However, that’s not something we can say for sure, because nobody is disclosing what Janet Jackson’s illness actually is. Based on highly scientific arbitrary guesswork, though, we think we’ve narrowed down Janet Jackson’s mystery illness to one of the following:

* Gout

* Green Monkey Disease

* Dandy-Walker Syndrome

* Uveomeningoencephalitic Syndrome

* Probably, like, a cold or something

Oh, we promised you better news, didn’t we? Well, the better news is that following her hospitalisation, Janet Jackson has cancelled her concerts in Boston and Philadelphia.

That means that up to 4,000 boyfriends in each area will now get to breathe a sigh of relief because they will no longer be dragged to a bloody Janet Jackson concert when they could be doing something more constructive, like picking their belly buttons or seeing how long they can hold one of their eyes open for before it starts to hurt.

And if there’s one thing worse than going to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada, it’s getting ready to go to a Janet Jackson concert in Canada and then finding out you can’t because Janet Jackson’s gone and been struck by some sort of super mystery illness.

Which is what happened last night, as it happened. Five minutes before the opening act of Janet Jackson’s concert in Montreal was set to take the stage, Janet ’suddenly fell ill’ and had to go to hospital. Nobody would say what illness Janet Jackson had, although it’s thought to be the rare Nogoodalbumsfortwodecades Syndrome. Or it might be something serious, in which case – whoops.

Janet Jackson must be glad she kept that secret teenage daughter of hers a secret, because there could be a chance that Janet’s going to need to start harvesting her organs before long.

Why? Because that bout of the sniffles that wrecked Janet Jackson’s SNL appearance in March has escalated into a full-blown mystery illness that has disappointed literally dozens of Canadian Janet Jackson fans. Well, disappointed is a strong word. And so is dozens, for that matter.

Anyway, the point is that Janet Jackson suddenly got ill right before a concert last night and had to cancel the show. BBC News reports:

The 42-year-old had to cancel her Montreal show after she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check, her publicists said. Jackson was being monitored at an unnamed hospital but no further details of her condition have been released.

Are you getting this? Janet Jackson is ill with a disease that’s a secret in a hospital that’s unknown in a country that nobody cares about. Don’t any of you say we never give you the facts.

For the time being, Janet Jackson hopes to reschedule her cancelled concert – leading us to believe that she’s either not that seriously ill at all or that she plans to surprise the population of Montreal in the future with a number of sexy dance routines performed inside an iron lung attached to a stationary bleeping piece of hospital equipment.

Hopefully it’ll be the first one, otherwise we’re going to look a right bunch of dicks.

It sprang forth from its mother’s womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table – and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother’s colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma’s smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like.

You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It’s unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that’s why Clay Aiken’s baby wanted out so bad – and it did!

That’s right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody’s freshly stretched woo-woo, he’s here to stay.

Clay Aiken had a baby. We knew this day would come. Thus far reactions from most Aiken-friends have been Simon Cowell saying the kid squeals like an unpleasant pig, Randy Jackson stating he really likes the groove the tot seems able to establish, and Paula Abdul verbally wondering what wine would taste like when sipped out of the child’s hollowed skull.

Also Rubin Studdard said he’d really like the baby to not keep hugging him all the time on-camera during finales for various music competitions.

None of that was true.

What is true though is that the baby seems to think the outside world is just so much roomier than the petrie dish he was conceived in. To this we say ‘Duh, Einstein.’

Aiken says of his child’s bloody arrival:

“I’m sure you know…I hate putting the cart before the horse. Not my way to tempt fate. But I wanted to stop by, if only for a second, so you could be the first folks I tell…HE’S HERE! Parker was born at a hospital in North Carolina just this morning at 8:08 a.m. Wow…8:08…08/08/08.”

The child weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces, and was over two hundred meters long.

This all reminds hecklerspray of the first time we had a baby. It was so exciting. First we saw the head, then we saw an arm, and then we saw our first wife’s toothy vagina start trying to re-swallow junior. Well needless to say we weren’t having it. After three elbows to Deborah’s abdominal region she relinquished the child, and was immediately sucked back to hell through a black-wormy tunnel that opened up where her drip was supposed to be.

And don’t worry about Junior – he’s fine. He spends all day under the stairs playfully reciting chants in Latin, Greek & some language that sounds an awful lot like live cats being split open by an angry, disgruntled butcher.

We think it’s French.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ’serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.

Morgan was travelling with an unnamed female companion when the crash occurred. Travelling eastbound on Highway 32, Tallahatchie Country, Mississippi, their car flipped several times before coming to rest. The name of the female passenger has not been released, but she is said to have suffered bruises as a result of the crash. The jaws of life were used to good effect and Freeman was airlifted around 90 miles for hospital treatment. He was upgraded from critical to serious condition, and more recent reports have left the actor with an even more positive prognosis.

Fortunately, both drugs and alcohol have been ruled out of the running for what caused the accident, meaning we don’t have to put up with another was-he wasn’t-he situation like young Shiny the Beef has had to contend with in recent weeks. Nor do we have to put up with possible insanity, like we did all those years back with Melvin. Obviously the wily old veteran that is Morgan Freeman would never be brash enough to take part in such an obviously stupid pursuit as driving under the influence.

Those young whippersnappers could learn a thing or three from God Himself.

But it would seem that the lord almighty can’t save himself from the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, which wild speculators (hello!) are claiming is the cause of Heath Ledger’s death and Christian Bale’s descent into alleged assault.

Now, let’s be honest here – Ledger’s death was a sad thing, unexpected and unwarranted. Bale’s case may have been his own fault, he may have been coaxed into it. Freeman’s crash is believed to have been as a result of falling asleep at the wheel, swerving and overcompensating. If this is a real curse then it’s a bit rubbish – none of your plagues on the family, eight arms on the first-born or evil gremlins turning up and wrecking your place up.

No, it’s an accidental overdose, some alleged shenanigans and an old man falling asleep at the wheel. These curse-makers really should go back to the drawing board and think up some new cursey goodness – or just stick with the classics. Doesn’t the bible have some good ones? Morgan Freeman should know about that, he is God after all.

Hecklerspray is sending you more get well beams through the internets, Morgan. Also some extra beams to help make sure the rubbish ‘curse’ doesn’t strike again. We have these kind of powers, you see.

Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.

Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.

Bernie, 50, admitted himself to hospital on the 3rd of August and was subsequently placed into treatment for pneumonia. It didn’t take long for something of a mild frenzy to whip up, though at first most news was simply taking the ’straight report’ route – as favoured by journalists that can’t be bothered trying very hard – telling the public Mac had been admitted for treatment.

Not long after, a new element was added to the game when reports emerged of an unnamed source – the most trustworthy of all the sources – saying Bernie was in a ‘very, very critical condition’ and alluding to him being either near to death or actually dead. Now, frankly that’s a bit unfair on the man, don’t you think? So, yes, he did do a far worse job than Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels 2 and his role in Transformers was forgettable at best – but there’s no need to start spreading rumours that he’s actually dead now, is there. That’s just low.

Thankfully, reports have surfaced today quoting Bernie Mac’s rep as saying these words with their mouth – whether they were angry, crying or simply aloof when spouting these communications, we do not know:

“Bernie Mac is still alive and being treated at a Chicago hospital for pneumonia and is expected to make a full recovery.”

But regardless of the emotional state of this so-called ‘rep’, at least they were concise, to the point and didn’t bother with baseless speculation. Frankly, those aspects make the guessing game too hard to judge. At least with direct statements you can almost accept it as fact, especially when it comes from one of these ‘rep’ things with a name, Danica Smith. She went on to say:

“Mr. Mac is responding well to treatment and will be released soon.”

The disease is, according to those that report these things as fact, not related to Bernie’s long-standing sarcoidosis – a chronic disease that can cause inflammation of tissue, especially around the lungs. Mr Mac, as it would appear he likes to be called, has seen the remission of the disease since 2005.

All good to know. Hecklerspray sends our get well soon psychic beams out to you, Bernie.

It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach.

Many people have placed bets on her dying before the end of the year due to her body slowly fading away and her apparent ability to always be pictured with a ciggie and a can of Superbrew.

Yesterday saw a couple of people prematurely attempting to cash in that betting slip, but they were wrong to do so – those good people at the NHS managed to fix her up with some sticky tape and drinks straws.

It’s now surfaced that she’s returned to hospital and her ever-suffering father Mitch has told us what caused her freakout. It was indeed an issue with drugs, but not the good kind. Oh no!

Mitch claims that Amy’s drink had been spiked with ecstasy, causing the young crooner to react violently. It has to be said, hecklerspray loves hearing that excuse from pretty much every person who is sick after a weekends drinking (why do you think Stu is off?). Of course the seventeen pints of lager and no food didn’t make you sick. It was a little white tablet that made you look the village idiot. Again.

But did an ecstasy tablet really cause Amy Winehouse to go in to relapse and bring her a bit closer to death? We all have to remember that she eats drugs like Smarties and drinks heroin like Ribena, so surely this wouldn’t have bothered her? If anything, her body was rejecting the drug because it wasn’t up to the usual standard of getting her wasted and reducing her to walking around in her pants.

Normally when Winehouse does get off her tits on pills, crack, heroin or anything else she can wrap her lips around, she starts screeching for dear hubby Blake. It will probably turn out that this time her harpyish screams have been curbed by Blake appearing in her dreams, telling her to battle on. Or something like that. She’s sure to make up some crap, so long as it isn’t straightforward or normal.

A source told the pack of journalists permanently outside Amy Winehouse’s (wine)house:

“Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink – and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to have a fit.”

This is just another story in the long line of drug related problems for Winehouse. For her it’s just becoming more like real life, and if anything we want to see another celebrity from the world of music flip out like a crazy fool on drugs. Remember the moon face man from Keane? He tripped off his man tits on the old white powder, apparently, but still managed to remain totally dull.

We hope Dougie from McFly is a secret glue sniffer, or at least a fan of poppers. He’s in a band, so they must have done something extreme apart from give their album away in the Sunday Mail. Or is that classed as hard for them?

But this is good news. No really, it is.

This provides science with empirical evidence about the number of cigarettes and mini bottles of booze cardiac muscle can tolerate, plus Amy gets another punch on her hospital card. One more visit and she gets a free colonoscopy with the purchase of a stomach pumping.

There are certain people in life that make you look at your own life and feel a whole heck of a lot better about yourself by comparison. Such as Jerry Springer guests, Angelina Jolie’s nanny, people who watch any Brad Garrett-related sitcoms, and Amy Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse seems to have created a regular spot in the media for herself, as well as probably a reserved parking spot at the hospital. She was in the hospital last month for about 10 days with what may or may not have been emphysema. Only the creatures living in her beehive know for sure, although some mention of it may have worked its way down to the crusty impetigo lesions as well.

Then, Amy Winehouse got all punchy-punchy on a fan last month during a performance, along with other increasingly erratic behavior, like getting all punchy-punchy on a defenseless chain-linked fence over the weekend.

So what took Amy Winehouse to the hospital this time? The preliminary reports say that Winey had a bad reaction to a medication. But really, who can blame the, ahem, medication for flipping out once inside Winehouse’s body? Calls to the beehive creatures for confirmation were not immediately returned, but her spokes-slave made the following statement:

“Amy Winehouse suffered a reaction to medication at home this evening and was taken to hospital. Doctors have advised that she will be kept under observation overnight and is likely to be released tomorrow.”

Kudos to the PR people who have came up with a new vague way to explain Amy Winehouse’s most recent medical incident. Given her history of reported drug use, rehab visits, and hospital vacation stays they should probably have a few more excuses on standby for future use. Those guys might wanna break out the thesaurus for synonyms to ‘overdose’, ‘addiction’, ‘crack whore’ and ‘balls-out crazy’ for some suggestions.

It’s not so much Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble that we miss, rather the dazzling array of misinformation thumped out by a billion sources directly after Lindsay Lohan got into any trouble. What? You missed that too? Well this must be your lucky day.

You see, it’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was hit by a motorbike in New York this weekend – reports backed up by the fact that the hospital she went to admitted someone called Lindsay Lohan on the night the accident took place. But Lindsay Lohan’s family and publicist are denying that anything happened at all.

Welcome back Lindsay. We’ve missed you.

Rehab has certainly worked out well for Lindsay Lohan. Before her string of DUI arrests caused her to seek help, Lindsay Lohan’s life was a mess of accidental nudity and bad films and the stink of booze and cigarettes and traffic accidents. But now things are completely different for her.

Now Lindsay Lohan’s life is a mess of deliberate nudity and no films and the stink of just cigarettes. But thanks to the motorbike scrape that Lindsay Lohan reportedly got into this weekend, at least she’s still keeping up the traffic accident quota.

According to reports, Lindsay Lohan was out on the town in New York on Saturday night when a motorbike clipped her outside a nightclub on 32nd Street.

While we assume that the driver of the motorbike caught a glimpse of Lindsay’s ginger hair, sharp teeth and oddly reflective eyes and drove into her deliberately, wrongly guessing that she was an urban fox out to eat someone’s baby, we’re pleased to report that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. Unless they were. Assuming the crash even happened in the first place. Here’s where it gets confusing.

You see, the reports say that Lindsay Lohan was taken to the Beth Israel Medical Centre for treatment after the crash. Well, the reports and the employee of the Beth Israel Medical Centre who confirmed to the New York Post that someone called Lindsay Lohan had been admitted on the night of the accident.

But that doesn’t mean that the accident actually happened, does it? Not if you’re Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s family or Lindsay Lohan’s publicist. The New York Daily News reports:

“Dina said it was just gossip. I don’t think that anything actually happened,” Lindsay’s father, Michael Lohan, said after speaking to his ex-wife, Dina, yesterday. “I asked her and she said it didn’t happen,” said Lindsay’s publicist, Leslie Sloane. “She says she wasn’t [at the hospital].” He added, “Dina said it’s a bunch of bull doodie.”

Interesting. So did it happen or was it bull doodie? Who the hell knows, frankly. But if you were Leslie Sloane, you’d deny it too, wouldn’t you. Ever since Lindsay Lohan stopped drinking, Sloane’s had nothing to deny at all – not like the good old days where she’d pass off what could have been Lindsay’s alcohol-fuelled collapses as everything from asthma to dehydration. She probably leapt on this one as fast as she could.

In fact, we don’t know why Leslie Sloane doesn’t just start denying everything that Lindsay Lohan ever does. It’d much more fun. Remember when Lindsay Lohan had sex in a toilet? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan stole that woman’s coat? Didn’t happen. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was a well-respected actress rather than a dumbly monotonous tabloid fixture? Didn’t happen.

No really, that one didn’t actually happen.

But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.

Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!

There are basically two types of criminal in the world – evil, facially-scarred criminal masterminds who test the world’s notions of good and evil via a series of diabolical life or death morality games conceived to lure the Batman out of hiding, and really stupid criminals who only get arrested because they’re massive idiots.

Guess which one of these DMX is.

That’s right. DMX doesn’t break the law because he’s evil. All DMX wants is to paint the world rainbow-coloured with his sunny feelgood hits like Fuck Y’All, Kiss Of Death and Keep Your Shit The Hardest. Problem being, of course, that DMX is an idiot.

Since hecklerspray started, DMX has been arrested for an endlessly mind-boggling array of utterly pointless crimes. Like the time he crashed his car and told everyone that he was in the FBI.

Or the time that he didn’t want to fasten his seatbelt on a plane.

Or the time that he hid a gun from some police officers in a breathtakingly cack-handed way.

Or the time that police discovered the partially-burnt corpses of several malnourished dogs in his garden.

We could go on. But the point is that DMX is hardly a Bond villain, is he? Unless Quantum Of Solace turns out to be about 007 chasing a slightly dim rapper who tried to avoid paying a hospital bill in a really stupid way.

Because that’s what DMX has been arrested for this time. According to reports, DMX was arrested on suspicion of felony identity theft on Saturday after he attempted to give a fake identity and social security number to the hospital that treated him for pneumonia back in April.

DMX was arrested for this offence at a shopping mall in Phoenix but, before he was hauled off to the police station, DMX did perhaps the funniest thing anyone has ever done during an arrest. E! Online has details:

As he was being carted off by officers, the rapper turned to the hastily congregated group of local news cameras, said, “harrassment,” and shook his head.

Genius. Anyway, since this is the fifth time that DMX has been arrested within the space of three months, there’s every chance that he could wind up in jail if he’s convicted. That would be an absolute outrage, because pithy celebrity news blogs like us rely on DMX’s continued arsefaced stupidity for our livelihood.

What if DMX goes to jail? What will we have left to write about then? The occasional in-cell stabbing? A violent bumming or two? That’s boring. Free DMX! Or send him to jail. In retrospect we don’t actually care that much.