The hype surrounding the new Batman film (Batman 3 or The Dark Knight Rises… it’s up to you what you call it) is getting bigger and bigger, with the entire world stalking its every movement.

Seriously. No other film has been as spied on during the shoot like this one has.

And there’s more of it. And it’s great. How about a giant fight scene, a video of Batman and Bane going at it and a sneak peak of Catwoman on a motorbike? If you’re crying ‘YES PLEASE!’, then get yourself over the jump.

This new footage, spotted all over YouTube, was shot at Wall Street in New York City.

In one video, you can see Batman (Christian Bale) and Bane (Tom Hardy) having a punch-up in the middle of a giganto riot. That’s exciting enough in itself.

In another vid, you can see the sheer size of the production with a huge scrap.

Then, lastly, there’s a video of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman on some monstrous bike, bombing down the road.

It’s all very exciting. Here’s the videos for you to look at. Batman 3 is going to be AMAZING.

Hopefully.

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Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, is probably the most highly anticipated film release floating around the ether at the moment. The superhero genre has been revitalised by the brooding adventures of Bruce Wayne and everyone is intrigued as to how the whole thing will wrap up.

As such, each little morsel and near-set fanvid has been met with many a watering mouth.

And here’s the news: it’s pretty much a certainty that Christopher Nolan’s revamp will be getting shown in six-minute prologues in various cinemas at Christmas time. BUT WHERE? Well…

The Dark Knight Rises is going to play before IMAX showings of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (which is going to be a steaming pile of dreck, no doubt), which is a similar move to when the Joker was revealed to cinema audiences before IMAX screenings of I Am Legend in 2008.

AMC released a statement on their blog (which they’ve since taken down) that read:

“The six-minute Dark Knight Rises prologue footage will only be shown on the higher resolution 70mm IMAX screens. Not the digital IMAX screens. Locations haven’t been confirmed yet, so stay tuned for an update on AMC Theatre locations that will be showing the prologue Dark Knight Rises footage at a 70mm IMAX screen nearest you.”

Of course, this hi-res business means that the clip will show in far fewer cinemas, but it’ll invariably end up online, so you won’t miss out AND you won’t have to watch Mission: Impossible.

Either way, everyone is getting excited about it. And so are we. And we’re cynical about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

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Michael Jackson’s Misery Concert Of Cash Cowdery And Crassery (or: Michael Forever Tribute) is going ahead next weekend in Cardiff, despite the fact that absolutely no-one from Michael’s family wants it to go ahead, for fear of distracting everyone from the trial of Dr Conrad Murray.

Wait. What’s that?

Sorry, nearly everyone in the Jackson family doesn’t want it to go ahead. So who is letting the side down and letting money come first? It couldn’t be anyone else! That’s right! It’s La Toya Jackson and she’s going to actually perform at the show too! What a gasping idiot.

So, just in case you need a catch up, this is where we’re at.

Michael Jackson died a couple of years ago and everyone is saying that Dr Conrad Murray manslaughtered one off all over the former King Of Pop with a hospital worth of Propofol. Okay?

Now, the whole family has been pretty angry that a tribute show is going ahead (in Wales, obviously a place hugely associated with Jackson) while the trial is going on and, worse still, the line-up of performers is weaker than MJ during the This Is It rehearsals.

So step forward La Toya, a woman who once said that Michael actually did touch some children inappropriately, stripped for Playboy, bailed on a series of shows at Moulin Rouge and appeared on British Celebrity Big Brother… now, to perform at a tribute gig that her siblings are on record as being squarely against.

Class.

She says:

“I have put musical performance behind me for roughly two decades, but there will never be another magical moment such as this to celebrate Michael with his fans to perpetuate the importance of his legacy. I am honoured to share the stage with the incredible performers in this line up and am certain that nothing would make my brother smile bigger or brighter than this tribute concert.”

“In speaking with my mother yesterday, I asked her where she thinks Michael would rather have us be, in this courtroom filled with negativity and lies or on a stage celebrating his music, his legacy and his life and she said without a second of thought, ‘Celebrating his Life with family and fans. I looking forward to putting on a great show and making my brother proud.”

We can only hope that she performs ‘Sexbox‘ because it’s got such a brilliant title.

Anyway, La Toya will join legends like… uuuh… Alien Ant Farm, 3T, Alexandra Burke, Pixie Lott and… ummm… Diversity.

It really is what Michael would’ve wanted. A boundary-pushing spectacle filled with the biggest, envelope-stretching stars.

Christ.

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Over in America, Dr. Conrad Murray is being accused of administrating some mental sounding drugs into Michael Jackson and causing him to carry out his last boogie.

However, it isn’t just the remaining members of the Jacksons that he has to prove his innocence to. The singer’s children also want answers and then, we have the fans that all seem to have been touched by Michael in their own special way.

The Moonwalking For Justice trial is expected to last for months, but this hasn’t stopped a cultish gathering of Jackofans to gather in Cardiff on Saturday 8th August. There, the king of pop’s life will be celebrated whilst a man is still being tried. With both events happening at the same time, some say it’s a bit sickening. But hey, they’ll be mincing their words now. After all, the gig has been injected with totally mad and uber kewl Fearne Cotton. Who wouldn’t want to go?

Don’t know who Fearne Cotton is? For non UK residents, she presents a mid-morning radio show where she educates the nation’s youth with brand new and exciting music that isn’t playlisted or dictated for her to play. At all. No way.

Now and then, she’ll play some rock music because she likes that sort of stuff. And tattoos. We’re constantly reminded that someone has permanently etched a Chinese symbol on to the back of her neck which probably says ‘Totally rad!’ or ‘Genius’ because, according to Fearne, all the music that passes her vacant glare is ‘genius’.

But it’s not just music that Fearne is a fan of. She’s bang into fashion and has been involved with all sorts of launches. Entire blogs are set up in honour of the DJ where they scrutinise every last detail of her apple green pumps against stone washed denim jeggings and orange tinged sunglasses.

Gnarly dude!

Like any media type, Fearne Cotton loved Michael Jackson.

“I was always a massive fan of Michael Jackson himself. Without him there’s a whole generation of performers and entertainers who might never have got their break in music. His contribution was crucial and his premature death a complete tragedy.”

Really?

Paula Abdul got her break via Michael and… uuh… umm… aaah… well… that’s it. Fearne Cotton thinks MJ is worth paying tribute to – for money – based solely on the existence of Paula Abdul and possibly 3T?

*prepares noose*

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As a doctor, presumably you know when a human is a lost cause. That’s why Dignitas exists, right? And so, if the rumours that Michael Jackson was knocking back Propofol like milk, he probably thought ‘sod it’.

And who can blame him?

During the Moonwalking for Justice trial, it seems that MJ was dying in his bedroom while Dr. Conrad Murray spent 45 minutes on the telephone, calling a cocktail waitress (according to the prosecution). He probably wanted a Long Island Iced Tea or something from doing all that hard work staring at Jackson’s increasingly peculiar face.

The medic has been accused of making five calls to friends and for business purposes after he allegedly administered a 25mg dose of anaesthetic Propofol to the singer at 10.40am on June 25, 2009.

Remember that night? God that was weird wasn’t it? It was Glastonbury weekend and the syphilitic swines in the Somerset mud all heard the typical Dead Sleb rumour and passed off Jackson’s death as a hoax while the rest of us pressed REFRESH on TMZ and more reputable news sources.

Anyway, back to the trial, and the gallery was an autograph hunters’ wet-dream, occupied by Michael’s family – Katherine, Joe, Janet, La Toya, Tito, Randy and Jermaine.

Jackie, Randy and Marlon couldn’t be bothered turning up it would appear.

They all looked on with their surgery enhanced eye-sockets, while the prosecution and defence gave their opening statements in Dr. Murray’s trial yesterday.

They heard a load of boring stuff about the time of this, that and the other… the best bit being that Jackson died so quickly that he didn’t even have time to close his own eyes. That said, you could easily argue that the C. Montgomery Burns of Pop actually had a lackey to do that job for him.

The defence team, meanwhile, are still pointing at Michael’s ghost (as seen on CNN) and mouthing the words “he did it himself. Look at him. He’s a weirdo.’

What we want to know is what the cocktail was like!

The trial/circus continues.

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The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine.

We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not to mention the champion hurdler Colin and Hobbit botherer, Peter.

What a family! However, Michael Jackson’s son is not like the rest of his clan. He’s ‘nervous’ about testifying in the trial related to his dad’s death.

Apparently, the former King of Pop’s eldest children – Prince and Paris (not to be confused with the singer Prince and the city of Paris) -  are both understood to be completely determined to give evidence after Michael died from… drum roll please… acute Propofol intoxication!

We’ve tapped out the word Propofol so many times since 2009 that we honestly feel like we have a decent case to get some kind of royalty.

A man who hasn’t exactly done the brand any favours is doctor Conrad Murray who has been charged with involuntary manslaughter.

Murder by medicine if you will. That’s not a legal term we’ll point out. We’re just trying to make a catchy buzzphrase that will take-off. You can have that one for free if you write a dreadful book about the whole Jackson’s Corpse v. Murray trial.

AAAAANYWAY.

Prince and Paris were both eyewitnesses to, ostensibly, their ‘dad’ dying. They watched him cease to be on the bedroom floor which is enough to ensure they’ll grow up warped. Well,  Katherine Jackson did say that her grandchildren were going to grow up just like their father.

It’s reported that sources close to Prince say the 14-year-old is nervous and worried that if he’s called to the stand he might get flustered and mess up,’

The trial against Murray begins today in Los Angeles

It has been reported that if Prince (again, not to be confused with the singer of the same name – it really is making the whole thing stupidly confusing) does give evidence, the lawyers may well clear the courtroom so his nerves don’t get the better of him.

If the court isn’t cleared, then Joe Jackson will get a performance by beating the living shit out of the poor tyke and throwing him into the spotlight. POSSIBLY.

Interestingly, one story that’s not being talked about much – the one we like the best because it has a filthy air of mystery about it – is that the fingerprints found on the syringe that killed MJ haven’t been identified and that they apparently don’t belong to Murray or any member of Michael’s family or staff.

Conspiracy theorists reckon it’s a ‘Mr. X’ who dished out the lethal dose and fled the scene of the crime with over $1 million in cash in their back pocket.

It definitely wasn’t us, okay?

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Catwoman, oh Catwoman. Good looking, sexy and kinky in the ’60s and regrettably less-so from the ’90s onward, you are going to return to our pathetic lives in your figure-hugging suit with your wily charms and depraved purring.

But we’re slightly worried. Anne Hathaway is the new Catwoman and we’re not sure we’ve ever seen her in a role that convinces us that she’ll be able to vamp it up enough for Batman 3, or The Dark Knight Rises to give it the proper title.

Does she look the part? Well, there’s some pictures of her on-set with Christian Bale and Gary Oldman. Make your own ‘purr’ jokes like ‘purrfect’, ‘purrlease!’ and such.

Hathaway has bemoaned that her Catwoman jumpsuit is ‘unforgiving’, and in the leaked snaps, it seems she’s been working out incredibly hard to stay in it.

Of course, Anne will be donning the suit next to Christian Bale who once again plays the Bruce Wayne and still completely fails to buy any Lockets for his ravaged voice. Also still bumbling along is Gary Oldman who will once more be playing police chief James Gordon.

Mercifully, Hathaway won’t be trying to do a Yorkshire accent in Dark Knight Rises, which of course, saw the actress roundly hooted at in the film version of One Day.

Anyway, you don’t care about all that just yet because you’re far more interested in seeing a tall, slender woman wearing an impossible outfit so you can either have lusty thoughts or, worse still, judge yourself against it despite the fact it isn’t real life.

Well done you. Here’s the photographs of Anne Hathaway in a Catwoman outfit from Dark Knight Rises.

Images via JustJared, obviously

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Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, roll up for what promises to be the greatest court case spectacle that the world has ever seen!

In the UK, we only get hastily sketched drawings of court proceedings, sometimes making us think that cartoon characters actually carry out heinous crimes. But in America, good old fashioned family time can be spent watching an alleged murderer on TV! AMAZING!

We’re not sure if the court case brought against Dr. Conrad Murray will suffer a similar fate, but after endless delays and arguments, the trial is set to go ahead. No doubt it’ll drag on forever and the eventual outcome will be appealed, but for now, everything is running correctly. One of the most difficult tasks was the jury selection process and, after months of screening potential jurors, twelve have been selected. Are there any questionable doubts? Of course there are, stupid. It is a Michael Jackson trial after all.

Normally, a jury selection process is a piece of cake. In high profile cases like murder, the likelihood is that members of the jury will be called in from different cities around the country. Or if you live in America, from a different states. But in the “Moonwalking For Justice Trial” where Dr.Conrad Murray has to convince everyone he didn’t let the singer do a boogie on the floor after his brain and heart were tripping out, this can be a little bit tricky.

How do you remain impartial to the death of a world famous musician who has not only been making records since the sixties, but has a money-sucking family exploiting his name after his death? It’s quite difficult, especially because Jackson died two years ago and multiple reports and opinions have been knocking around.

So who is on the jury then? It’s been reported that:

“The trial of Michael Jackson’s former doctor Dr Conrad Murray will face a jury of 12 people, it has emerged. It will feature, among others, a male who briefly met the singer when working at a Disney Theme Park in 1980, a bookseller, a school bus driver and a professor.”

Hold on a doggone second! A male who briefly met the singer at Disneyland?! It’s a given that Jackson regarded him as a nobody but we would’ve thought that any minimal contact or interaction with the person at the centre of the trial would be an issue.

If this was a life changing experience for the individual, then chances are his opinion on Dr. Conrad Murray will be a little biased. We assume they’ll see Murray as some kinda cold hearted evil murderer. After all, this is under the proviso that all his fans are missing a few screws. Jacksonites continually tell us that the king of pop touched a lot of peoples lives.

[insert child molestation court case joke here]

The only way that the “Moonwalking For Justice” trial won’t go ahead as planned will be if Dr. Conrad Murray falls sick and can’t attend, which would be ironic. If news of this got out, we’re sure that a mentalist Michael Jackson fan impersonating a doctor would be on hand to administer some sort of wacko cocktail of drugs to Murray instead of making his headache go away.

Either way, let the circus begin!

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With the Michael Jackson v. Conrad Murray’s Syringe court case imminent, we need to keep Jacko in the news because come the trial, we’ll need to convince ourselves that we’re informed.

There’s no danger of you lot being uber-informed though because, chances are, you have absolutely no life outside of scouring the internet for articles about the former King Of Pop (since MJ’s death, the crown has been handed over to Pitbull).

However, as Michael is completely and utterly dead, we have to look elsewhere for stories. And so, we bring the tale of Jackson’s daughter – Paris – sleeping with a jacket. Isn’t jacket one of Michael’s other children?

So the news is that Paris Jackson is sleeping in the same bed as Jacket Jackson? That’s barely news at all. Loads of children… especially siblings… sleep together in the same bed.

It’s perfectly innocent isn’t it? Children sleeping together is the most natural thing in the world… unless of course, you’ve got an ageing popstar bunking down with them too.

What is peculiar though, is that Paris Jackson insists on sleeping with Jacket as a pillow.

Poor Jacket Jackson. That’s the kind of mental torture that made Michael so mental as an adult. Can we then assume that Jacket Jackson will end up with a music career that will, say, eclipse that of 3T? That’d be something wouldn’t it?

WAIT! Jacket Jackson doesn’t exist! We’re getting confused! It’s Blanket Jackson!

It appears that Paris is sleeping with one of her late father’s jackets as a pillow! That makes more sense we guess. Unless it’s the horrible S&M buckled thing that he wore in the Bad video. We imagine that’s less comfortable to sleep on than a conch shell.

Apparently, the jacket still smells like him. A mixture of remorse and Hi Karate aftershave then?

Worryingly, MJ’s mother Katherine believes his children will grow up to be “just like him”, especially Paris, who insists on having her walls filled with pictures of her pop legend father.

Well, we know how much Michael liked having oil paintings of himself haunting his walls. If his children are going to grow up just like their dad, this means we have to start coming up with scurrilous jokes to slap them with once they worm their way into the public eye.

Jeez. They’re a gift that keeps giving aren’t they?

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Michael Jackson’s death may well be very sad for those who still bought his albums post-Dangerous (yes, these people actually exist), but it hasn’t been all bad news for the world.

You see, like deep sea creatures gorging on the carcass of a dead whale, Michael Jackson’s cadaver has created something of a cottage industry, where everyone is making a nice living out of an injection of Propofol.

And one person doing very well out of Michael’s death is Jermaine Jackson who, ironically enough, is paying his mortgage by scalding everyone who is making money out of Michael’s deathly mishap.

So what’s the deal?

Well first off, Jermaine thinks that MJ was killed by greed, power and money. Again, that Propofol may have something to do with it and years of alleged substance abuse. But yeah, greed, power and money.

Speaking before the manslaughter trial of Conrad Murray (coming to a TV near you later this month), Jermaine says that those surrounding his brother failed to look after him, as they pushed him to play his money spinning comeback gigs.

Of course, you could argue that Jermaine failed to pick the phone up frequently enough to make sure his quite obviously ill for a number of years brother was up to the job.

JJ say:

“Why didn’t somebody call me or Jackie or Tito or Marlon or his family, to say, ‘Come down here, your brother is not acting normal?’ Had we been called, he would be alive today. We would have taken him to the hospital”

“Because they wanted the show to go on… It’s all about — this is a story about greed and power and money. And not looking at the person in Michael.”

That’s Jermaine Jackson there, who is currently promoting a book he’s written about Michael Jackson. A book that he wasn’t writing when his brother was alive.

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Oooh, Batman! You think you’re sooooo cool don’t you? With your Kryptonite and truth lasso. You ain’t all that. You’re just some rich kid with a load of gadgets. You may as well be one of the girls from Something For The Weekend.

If you should end up on SFTW, do us a favour and give Tim Lovejoy a pasting wouldya?

Speaking of gadgets though, last week, we showed you a sneaky peaky of the Batwing that will star in Batman 3/Dark Knight Rises. You couldn’t see much of it and it was a little disappointing. However, for you Batfans, there’s another video which has surfaced which is much more revealing.

One of our readers – they’re called ‘fuel’ – sent us a video of the new Batwing and this time, you can get a really good look at it.

Like all the vehicles from the Batman films (well, from the ’90s onward at least), it’s another hulking great beetle of a thing, all black and looking like a detail from Massive Attack’s ‘Mezzanine’ album.

We still prefer Batman’s car from the ’60s really. It looked like something you’d see in a drag race!

Anyway, there’s still things to be edited out in post-production, there’s no question of that… but if you can use your imagination, here’s a video of the newest Batwing.

Batfans, start masturbating whenever you see fit.

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Emo wet-dream, Batman is coming back to the cinema screens all growly and grunty, in The Dark Knight Rises, complete with hipster approved cast members, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Tom Hardy.

It’s just short of having a chest-tattoo, loafers with no socks on and a one-speed racer.

Speaking of vehicles, Batman 3 with feature the Batwing and, over the jump, we’ve got a video of it which should either disappoint you enormously or, indeed, make you soil yourself with a massive nerdgasm.

Naturally, being stubborn simpletons, we preferred Batman when he was wooden, camp and armed with a utility belt which held the most preposterous items like ‘Shark Repellent Spray’ and such.

However, this massively successful Christopher Nolan remix has proved our opinions to be massively unpopular.

Anyway, some div with a camera was perving around 6th Street Bridge in downtown Los Angeles and spotted the shoot of the new film, with the Batwing bombing around beneath it.

It appears that the vehicle is like a Harrier Jump Jet, able to use boosters to fling itself into the air like some horrible farting robot.

You don’t care about that though. You want a sneaky-peak at anything you can concerning this wretched film… so have it.

Watch your stupid video. See if we care.

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The only people counting down the days to the Michael Jackson ‘Moonwalking For Justice’ manslaughter trial, are members of his immediate family and his slightly psychotic followers.

Oh, how we look forward to seeing scores of Jackson fans with badly scrawled banners, candlelit shrines and people walking around in monkey costumes.

And poor ol’ Dr. Conrad Murray – who’s accused of administrating the lethal drugs that caused Michael Jackson to go in to cardiac arrest – has a few hurdles to mount before the trial even begins.

Over in Cardiff, an ill-timed tribute to the King of Pop will be taking place and somehow, the American authorities have the comedic task of sifting through jurors, so they’re totally impartial. Despite the focus of this trail not focusing to the times Jackson allegedly spent with children, it’s great to see Jermaine Jackson dragging up this grey period of the families’ life for us to ponder over again.

Whatever your opinion on Michael and his sleepover trial, which involved accusations of more than just holding hands, it seems there’s always a Jackson member around to remind us of the incident. The bloke didn’t face court appearances just the once – he had allegations thrown his way twice. To most outsiders like us, this didn’t look good at all. Surely if Jackson got off the first time he wouldn’t make the sloppy mistake that got him caught again? Apparently so it seems and brother Jermaine Jackson was fearful that things could get bad. He said:

‘If they were going to sit and crucify my brother for something that he didn’t do, America deserves us not to come back here. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be the land of the brave, home of the free, democracy, freedom of speech. The way they were treating him, none of that existed. Why should he go to jail for something he didn’t do?’

As we all know, the courts decided that despite his name being tarnished forever, Michael Jackson was cleared of all charges in 2005. But why did the Jacksons have a Plan B in place in case everything went belly up? Again, it has been reported that:

‘A private jet financed by a friend was on standby to whisk the King of Pop to Bahrain if Michael was convicted in his 2005 court case. The former Jackson 5 member said his younger brother was not aware of the escape plot, but would have agreed to flee America ‘in a heartbeat’ because he would not have survived in jail.’

Not being able to survive in prison? We’d agree on that point. Looking at the frail and skeletal figure of Michael Jackson, he wouldn’t have the energy to bend over in the shower and pick up the soap. He’d only anger fellow inmates with his constant whining and requests of someone to do it for him. Once again, questions have to be asked why Jermaine Jackson has decided to post this statement that’ll please mental fans of Michael’s that he wouldn’t be thrown into the slammer.

It seems that Jermaine Jackson has a book out! How about that, a piece of merchandising conveniently planned for the Murray trial and weirdly placed tribute show in Cardiff. This is where we’d finish off with a tasteless joke, but the title of Jermaine’s book is better than anything we can muster up:

You Are Not Alone: Michael Through A Brother’s Eyes.

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As we saw in a recent rape trial involving a certain influential banker and a maid, judging someone on their character is a big deal in the American legal system. Basically, if you’re a dodgy sod, people are less likely to believe your defence.

However, with Michael Jackson, he gets special rules because he’s really famous.

See, in the upcoming manslaughter trial, starring Dr Conrad Murray ‘as himself’, many aspects of Jackson’s dark past won’t be taken into account. That sounds fair doesn’t it?

Of course, there are MJ fans who will think that this is exactly the way we should go about our business, not judging people by the things they’ve been accused of in the past. Although, that said, they weren’t quite so forgiving of Gene Simmons and Kiss when they were announced on the bill of a Michael Jackson tribute show to be held in Cardiff.

And so, even though it is widely accepted that Jackson battled an addiction to painkillers in his past, Murray’s attorneys won’t be able to bring this up because Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Pastor has barred testimony from a half-dozen doctors who have said that Michael was drug-dependent.

Basically, all they’ll be able to do is agree that Conrad Murray should go to prison.

Murray has admitted that he gave Jackson Propofol, but the defence attorneys suggest that it was Jackson who administered the fatal dose himself, while Murray was out of the room.

Arguing this seems like a near-impossible task. More tricky is finding an impartial jury. It’s obvious that there is a very good chance that, whoever is called upon, they’ll either love him or hate him.

If a jury panel can be found, the show starts in the last week of September.

This means that fans of the King of Pop should start making their fancy dress outfits now and update their banners that said “WE’LL NEVER FORGET YOU MICHAEL” to “CONVICT THIS BASTARD OF MURDER OR WE’LL ANNOY YOU TO SUICIDAL POINT”.

Of course, these mental fans will sway the jurors as they walk to the courthouse and, chances are, they’ll be so grated by people in red sequin jackets and half mast drainpipe disco trousers, that they side with Murray, even it transpires that he actually choked Jackson to death with the plug flex from a penis pump.

Let the circus commence.

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We’re a little obsessed with Michael Jackson here in the ‘spray hole. Well we would wouldn’t we? He’s fascinatingly odd. We could stare at his gargoyle face all day long. Y’know, that one that didn’t change at all in the 40-odd years he hobbled around this poor planet.

His behaviour was like a particularly odd drama too. It was both hilarious and hugely upsetting. What a strange chap he was. And strikingly, it’s the weird that was picked up by his fans. Sure, they couldn’t ever hope to match his talent, but they sure could act like reserved lunatics. That’s definitely attainable.

Of course, these fancy-dress, groin-grabbing goons give sensible people the eebie-jeebies, and not exempt from that is Beyonce, who is happy to perform at the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute concert, provided its nowhere near those wide-eyed evangelical Jacksonites. She’s going to perform from the safety of a satellite link-up. Smart girl.

B has been confirmed for the ‘Michael Forever Tribute’ event, which will harrow everyone in Wales when it takes place on October 8th at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium.

Because she doesn’t care too much for this particular show (what will Michael’s brothers all thinking that it’s a little on the crass side, seeing as they’re going to be in court that weekend), she’ll just be appearing on a big screen performing a Jackson 5 song.

She may not even do it live.

She’ll be joined by such luminaries as Leona Lewis, Christina Aguilera, JLS, Cee Lo Green, Alexandra Burke, Pixie Lott, Craig David and Smokey Robinson.

Even the latter, an obvious legend, isn’t that big a draw, what with years of plastic surgery leaving him looking like he’s got tights on his head, always ready to rob a bank somewhere.

What a terrible tribute to a fantastically famous man.

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