Then, just when you’ve decided that Bill Murray is an indie wunderkid he’ll go and do Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties. Then, right when Bill Murray is being accused by his ex-wife of being a violent drunken drug addict, he goes and leaps out of plane to raise money for wounded war veterans, which he plans to do next month.

It’s so confusing, isn’t it? Why can’t Bill Murray just try and combine his various identities into one manageable identity. Yes, that’s right, we are suggesting that Bill Murray makes a zany comedy movie about a cartoon cat searching for meaning in his life by getting leathered on booze, jumping out of a plane and punching a woman in the face. That’s exactly what we’re suggesting. What of it?

Bill Murray is notoriously hard to pin down. Instead of an agent he’s got a voicemail that he chooses to answer as and when he wants to. Instead of an entourage he has whichever students are at the nearest drunken party he decides to crash. Instead of Access Hollywood he has bewildering appearances on American Chopper.

But lately, even by his standards, things seem to be going awry in Bill Murray’s life. Maybe all these years of playing middle-aged men in the throes of deep mid-life crises have rubbed off, because Bill certainly seems to be sliding off in that direction.

Look at the facts. Drink driving arrest? Check. Recent messy divorce from a long-term wife? Check. Completely unexplainable decision to star as the mayor of an underground city in a generic Walden Media film that nobody in their right mind would watch? Sadly, check.

Jumping out of an aeroplane? An actual flying aeroplane in the sky? On purpose? We’ll be darned if Bill Murray isn’t planning to do that too. We fear that leather trousers and an earring are only weeks away. E! Online reports:

The funnyman has signed up to parachute out of a plane next month to honor veterans during the 50th Annual Chicago Air and Water Show. The publicity stunt is on behalf of USO Illinois, an organization that provides aid to wounded war vets at home and overseas.

Wait, so Bill Murray is only jumping out of a plane to help injured soldiers? That’s not very mid-life crisisy at all is it?

Bill Murray, it’s important you stick to within the badly-defined parameters we set you. Look, let’s meet in the middle. You can still jump out of a plane, but you have to grow a ponytail first. And then eye up a dolly bird young enough to be your granddaughter. And then pretend that you think Vampire Weekend are cool. It’s the only way.

You would always be rolling on the floor with laughter and your text messages would be constantly filled with zany LOLs and your knee would have a constant bruise from all that knee-slapping hilarity.

That is unless you’re Bill Murray’s wife, in which case you’d be rolling on the floor after being clocked by your drunk, drugged up husband and you’d have non-hilarity induced bruises. Or at least, those are some of the things Bill Murray’s wife is saying led to her filing for divorce from Bill Murray just now.

Now what do we learn here, ladies? We learn that marrying a man for his stunning good-looks does not make for a lasting relationship.

Bill Murray has brought us many things over the years. He’s brought us movies about ghosts and busters and ghostbusters, and a bunch of other movies, but we really just remember him for Ghostbusters. He also brought many an unfortunate-looking funny men across the world hope in the ways of acquiring ladies like Andie McDowell and Scarlett Johansson.

According to Bill Murray’s wife of ten years, Jennifer Butler Murray, Bill Murray also brought chapters from the Charlie Sheen sex addiction and Dennis Rodman physical violence into their marriage, along with a little pot smoking and whatnot. According to court documents, Bill Murray’s wife cited the following reasons for wanting to divorce Bill Murray:

“…adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Bill Murray’s wife isn’t just mad that Bill Murray frequently abandoned her at grocery stores, public parks, parties, and the Oscars, but there are lots of juicy, sickening examples in the documents saying that Bill Murray:

“would often leave the state or country without telling [his wife]; travels overseas where he engaged in public and private altercations and sexual liaisons; hit her in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ And left threatening voice messages on the home telephone which the minor children have heard.”

Surely, we’ll be hearing statements from Camp Bill pretty soon about how these allegations are false and how Bill Murray’s wife is actually the slimy twat in all of this. Actually, Bill Murray doesn’t have a publicist, or an agent, so maybe we’ll just get a slurred, belligerent voice mail from Bill Murray calling everyone stupid little pigs, confusing himself with Alec Baldwin, and confusing us with his kids.