In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby’s name, Blue Ivy.

We’re not sure if we’re allowed to even write ‘Blue Ivy’ without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually…

Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.

This patent furore is proof positive that they still, one month on, think that Blue Ivy is a good name, rather than the stripper-endorsed-detergent fuckstorm that it clearly is.

We were unsure of the bloody point of this whole ridiculous faff, until some random family law expert who has absolutely no connection to the Beyonc’Jays piped up on MTV (of all bloody places):

“Seeking the trademark forestalls competitors from using the child’s name and or third parties from attempting to sell the baby’s name back to the couple. They are likely trying to protect what they rightfully own or created, shall we say, by trademarking Blue Ivy’s name.”

See! It’s not mental or weird to brand your baby! It’s just a totally reasonable action, as long as you believe that having mixed up your sperm’n’egg cocktail and made a person grants you ownership not only over them, but over random, dreadful, clunking couplings of words.

In the spirit of the Beyonc’Jays’ flagrant madness, we’d like to announce that we are pre-emptively trademarking these names, for any future lovechildren that may emerge from the hecklerspray loins after we’re done huddling together for warmth:

• Bum Twaddle
• Green Flange
• Edna Deathray.
• Masonic Groatherder
• Elongated Gusset
• Extension Plug Waffler
• Sneaky Toothexplosion
• Barkquis HundredHandSlap
• Kenny Flymo
• Clodhopper P. Kneesupport
• James Parker

Outstanding idea, thanks, Beyonc’Jays!

Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Hova and Bey stayed out ’til arout 4 am at Jiggaman’s club 40/40 according to various people staring at some drunk celebrities, clearly having nothing better to do with their evening.

An obviously concerned source noted that Beyonce attended the afterparty:

“She arrived with her mother, Tina Knowles ,” and her mother-in-law, Gloria Carter. After “sprinting through a side entrance” shortly before midnight, Beyoncé toured the club for the first time since its renovation”

So far, so spectacularly dull.

However, Beyonce was seen sipping ‘what appeared to be a glass of bubbly’ around 3am, while tottering around in a cleavage-erupting red dress and embroidered Christian Louboutin shoes like some kind of expensive prostitute… and all the while, Jay stuck around ’til kicking-out time, throwing drinks down his famous, but irresponsible neck with Nas and some marketing bozo called Steve Stoute.

All the while, Blue Ivy was nowhere to be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.

We can only hope for that poor, poor child’s sake, that she won’t be left to fend for herself in the wild again with her awful parents off having the time of their lives like they don’t have an obligation to look after their newborn.

This is all incredibly troubling. It seems Jay Z meant it when he rapped ‘I got 99 problems but my newly born daughter ain’t one’.

We’re legally obliged to parody 99 Problems. Sorry.

There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs.

The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power for unspeakable evil.

Like what? Well, at the wave of his nailless foetal hand, it appears that the world’s young are donating their organs. Oooh, the horror!

Bieber is getting credit for a recent spike in organ donor registrations. Some dweebs called The Trillium Gift of Life Network have noted that, since JB answered a plea made by Helene Campbell, who’s awaiting for a lung transplant, more than 1,200 people have registered online for donation.

Bieber’s Twitter exchange with Campbell (username @alungstory) started off with the usual annoying charitable plea from a pleb to a sleb, before Justin took the sob story on and shared it with his trillion followers.

He then started tweeting about how people really should donate their organs.

However, no-one is that altruistic and we suspect that Bieber is using the organs for himself, after his young fans presumably donated them while they were still alive, cutting out their kidneys and such with Hello Kitty safety scissors and plopping them through his letter box.

And if our thoughts that Bieber is actually an illuminati goon are true, then we can only assume that he’s using the organs for nefarious purposes.

If indeed, Bieber is an illuminati lookalike, then there’s a chance that the singer is actually in his 40s and is gorging on tween organs in a bid to stay youthful. We have all noticed that he’s looking older than he used to and this fiendish scheme is clearly not working.

Spread the word. There’s a new devil among us.

People are really, very very stupid. They’ve always fallen for the oldest trick in the book and, wanting to eschew the popular kids and good-looking folk, they’ve adored those who trade in false-modesty. The ‘I’m crap like you too!’ brigade.

Then, best of all, when the facade slips, the falsely modest get a hot girlfriend and have the temerity to be happy and in love. This sends fans into a jealous slump, picking holes in the work of their former fave. They’ve changed! They’re not as funny as they used to be! How dare they hang around with celebrities!

In other news, Charlie Brooker is about to become a father to a shrieking baby with Konnie Huq who he loves more than all of you goons put together. Awww!

That’s right. Your daydreams of being able to prise Brooker away from Konnie Huq (you want to steal him because you ‘understand’ him more than a Blue Peter presenter could, right? You get him don’t you? Not like the rest. You properly, properly get him) are currently being defecated on as she harvests his child inside her.

That’s right! Charlie Brooker, the person you thought lived in perpetual darkness before his television, unhappy and distrusting of the world is actually a man who has a woman he loves, a very healthy bank balance, a man who enjoys running (he even wrote about how much he likes to keep fit!), a man who bought a Mac after saying he hated them, a man SETTLING DOWN WITH A CHILD?!

HOW DARE HE!

Next you’ll be finding out that, long before you started your inner backlash, Charlie Brooker isn’t nearly as awkward as his comedic persona! What? He met Chris Morris at a dinner party… eating sushi… surrounded by other celebrities… which saw Nathan Barley hitting our screens? THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! WE LIKED HIM THEN! NO! HE DIDN’T! HE WAS AT HOME… ALONE… LIKE ME… ON THE INTERNET… CRYING.

Nope. Konnie will be having a baby in Easter apparently and her agent, Jonathan Shalit says:

“Konnie is telling friends how happy she and Charlie are.”

This must be awful for you. Simply awful. Just think of it. That bloke you’re really fond of has gone and betrayed you by becoming fulfilled and contented.

Terrible. At least we’ve still got David Mitchell who totally isn’t happily in a relationship with Victoria Coren, eh?

Dreadful orange sloppy-seconds-bargain-bin-Jordan Chantelle ‘Chantelle’ Houghton, not content with hawking her fake breasts, fake eyelashes and, we presume, non-fake pregnant belly has this week launched an all-out assault on anyone with any sense of decorum whatsoever.

Appearing in nothing more than a bikini in more tatty publications and websites than we were even aware existed (Celebrity Baby Scoop anyone? Anyone? We’re not even making it up) Chantelle has been coining it something rotten from her four-month old child, serving only to remind the world that she is swelled with the product of ex-Katie Price ‘Reidenator’ Alex Reid.

‘Reidenator’. Yes. Katie ‘Jordan’ Price said that out loud.

Do you know what Chantelle said out loud, discussing her apparent inability to get pregnant – because that’s just the thing to mention when promoting one’s new range of fake eyelashes that no-one will buy when the Girls Aloud ones are still on the shelves in Boots no matter how pregnant you are – do you? This:

‘What’s the saying? Where there’s a sperm, there’s a way. I only release an egg three times a year, so the chances of me actually getting pregnant naturally were one per cent – slim to none. I think maybe it happened because we weren’t just having sex to get pregnant any more.’

Ensuring that any right-thinking person vomits from their very eyes at the thought of ‘Reidenating’ in action and never has sex with anyone again.

Chantelle’s unborn foetus was unavailable for comment at time of publication, but sources claim it could live without all the front-page manky magazine coverage until it’s at least born, but is getting-on ok with its housemates and has even nicknamed them “The Silicone Twins”.

And is very proud of it’s mother.

Don’t recognise the name of the person in the article heading? Don’t worry, most people don’t either. It’s only when you mention that she’s the alleged bearer of Justin Bieber’s child that causes people’s ears to prick up.

In a strange way, we kinda like this paternity situation because Bieber went totally badass on her. He must have grown some balls or at last spouted a few pubes as he has promises to sue her for spreading these rumours.

Alas, the DNA test seems to be taking bloody ages to come back, which seems odd. We wouldn’t have thought that a few samples of a spit could take so long to analyse, especially given that Bieber is hardly old enough to have formed that much DNA. If they were British, they’d have the results fairly rapidly thanks to Jeremy Kyle. He can do them in 20 minutes, like developing Polaroids. Assuming that Bieber was able to maintain and use and erection, he will be thrilled to hear that his bundle of baby is allegedly living with a mother who takes drugs. Shock! Horror!

Some people claim – and it isn’t those who are close to Bieber – that he couldn’t possibly father a child. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that a seven year old couldn’t possibly produce anything other fluid other than urine from his penis. The suggestion that he fancies women is basically obscene. As far as he’s concerned, girls are “smelly” and “kisses carry diseases.”

But even if everything claimed by Mariah Yeater turned out to be true, we’d be amazed on a couple of fronts. Not because she wasn’t a psycho looking for a cheap payday, but because the hilarious circumstances involved in their sexy time were true. She was quoted as saying:

“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.”

“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*** the s*** out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.”

“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to ‘feel everything.”

So when this whole messy situation is over, can’t we at least think of the innocent child involved? Being used as a pawn so his mother can make a pot of money is something that’ll probably haunt him in later life. Everyone who writes for hecklerspray was sired by negligent celebrity one-night stands. Why on Earth do you think we’re this bitter?

But according to reports, it doesn’t seem that Mariah Yeater is a perfect mother. Footage which hasn’t been released yet, meaning that THIS MIGHT NOT BE TRUE suggests that Yeater smoked pot infront of a toddler and said:

“We’re about to get high! Burning weed, burning weed.”

Of course we don’t know if she was smoking the green whilst growing a baby human inside of her, but friends of Yeater have told Star magazine in America that she:

“May have smoked marijuana once or twice while carrying Tristyn.”

You’d have to be stoned to pick a dreadful name like that. Anyway, fear not Mariah! In the UK you’ll probably end up being crowned mother of the year. After all Katie Price has bagged the prize despite whoring out her own family to make a career whilst Kerry Katona has won despite being a financial and drugged up mess.

There’s hope for us all it seems.

Pint Sized Canadian Pop Prince, Justin Bieber, really is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Fresh from “definitely” fathering a love child in a sweaty 30-second romp with a woman whose testimony is as reliable as that of Dr. Conrad Murray, Bieber has decided to, once again, showcase how empty the space between his ears is on national television.

Bieber’s lack of geographical knowledge was previously showcased on television in New Zealand, when he admitted, in a somewhat uncomfortable and borderline racist moment, that they don’t have the word German in America.

But now he’s taken his ignorance to the next level, by going on the David Letterman show and failing to be able to name all 7 of the Earth’s continents.

Justin had stated to Letterman that he believed he had performed on every continent, only to have the late night legend challenge him to name the continents he has performed on.

Asia, North America, South America. Boom, Bieber was almost half way there, but after that strong start he began to struggle. After a few seconds he pulled Africa out of the bag and quickly followed it up with Antarctica.

But that’s where the knowledge train de-railed and Bieber began to clutch at straws. His next 2 answers were The North Pole and Canada, neither of which are actually continents, just in case you didn’t already know.

Thanks to a little prompting by Letterman, Bieber was able to just about struggle his way to the end of the list, although he did refer to Oceana/Australasia as just Australia, so even after being handed the answers he still managed to get it wrong, Letterman obviously overlooked this glaring error in order to keep the show moving, otherwise he’d have been there all week. Pedantic? Us? Never.

We’ve included the video of the bumbling Bieber’s inability to name the 7 continents below, so you too can sit there and shout at him for being so thick.

Let’s just hope Justin isn’t asked to name the children he’s sired on each contient!

When a baby is born via parents no longer together, it isn’t uncommon for a Jerry Springer style argument to develop, with penis owners shouting ‘Well, it ain’t mine that’s for sure, you womanly leech!’

Justin Bieber is no different, looking at the whole situation and shrugging ‘I haven’t even met the girl! No way. Nuh-uh.‘

Apart from, that is, the ex-boyfriend of Justin Bieber’s alleged baby harvester, Mariah Yeater, who has NO DOUBT IN HIS MIND AT ALL (apart from the vague doubts in his mind) that the baby is his and, he so certain, he wants to take a DNA test to prove it. Roll on child support payments from whoever!

Remember TMZ sharing a story which showed a load of SMS messages, which seemingly showed Mariah Yeater saying that her ex, Robbie Powell, was the father of her baby?

No? Well, that sentence you’ve just read has got you up to speed. Stop being such an idiot.

Where were we? Oh yes, Robbie Powell. Well, Robbie and his super sperm are demanding a DNA test because he’s apparently tired of Yeater using the child for media attention.

Basically, he wants some media attention as well. Then baby sitting rights. Then countless sleepless nights and soiled nappies.

TMZ’s sources says Robbie has been telling friends that Mariah has already told him that this whole Bieber story is a crock of dung and Robbie believes she did conjured it up because she was desperate for cash.

If she’s that desperate, why doesn’t she sell her baby? You’re allowed to do that in America right? Angelina Jolie will probably take it off her hands.

Of course, Powell will now be getting approaches by media outlets, which is nice for him. Maybe he’ll buy some condoms with any fees he receives.

You know the woman who said Justin Bieber rode her for 30 seconds backstage at one of his gigs, and as a result, popped out a small baby? Well, Mariah Yeater is at it again, asking for more of Justin’s DNA.

Presumably, the first DNA test came back with a report noting that Bieber was too young to have even developed any.

However, now he’s grown some finger nails and the fontanelle has started to harden on his famous head, she’s asking for another test. Maybe she’s going to swipe it and clone him because she’s mental or something? You’d have to be to willingly tell the world you’d had sex with a superstar infant with a face like a boiled kneecap.

Bieber has, of course, already taken one test, but Yeater,wants one that he hasn’t initiated. Perhaps she doesn’t trust the hippocratic oath?

Some bloke called Jeffery Leving said that, even though he has yet to provide evidence of the two’s alleged sexual encounter, Yeater deserved the right to meet Bieber with her baby and lawyers present so they can watch him actually take the test.

That’ll be a nice awkward meeting won’t it? If they did do the dirty, imagine the small talk! If they didn’t, imagine the simmering rage from the young pop-star and the doe-eyed chancer holding a baby, looking on and wondering if it would be okay to ask for an autograph.

Leving says:

“I want a new DNA test with both sides together at a lab in California as soon as possible… As soon as I tell her to do it, she’ll do it. We need proper protocol and a chain of custody.”

“For me to feel comfortable, I want a member of my legal team in the room when Justin Bieber’s genetic fluid is sampled”

Genetic fluid is potentially what got everyone into this mess in the first place. Leving added:

“This case is unique in terms of media interest, celebrity and the amount of potential child support at issue. There could be motives on the parts of many different people to corrupt the evidence”

It’s nowhere near as fun as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s secret lovechild story, is it?

Good news for all you Royalist dicks out there. It turns out that Prince William, him what wed that “commoner” earlier this year, isn’t a complete waste of semen as reports are coming through that he’s managed to knock up his new wife. Congrats, eh?

According to a Buckingham Palace insider, some chatty US magazine has confirmed that royal couple are “relieved.”

Maybe the years of Royal inbreeding has shrivelled their genitals to the size of Walnut Whips? Perhaps the overwhelming worry that any child with a learning disability would be hidden away in the “Special Dungeon” deep below the Palace was too much to bear?

Despite only being around six weeks pregnant, Kate is jumping the gun and has reportedly, picked out names and some possible nurseries ready for the privileged sprog.

She wants to call the brat Edward, Philip or Michael if it’s a boy. Or Alice and Rose if it has a vagina.

Other members of the Royal Family are said to be over the moon, obviously.

Even Prince Charles is said to want a granddaughter. Presumably to run her off the road in a Parisian tunnel when she auditions for X Factor 2021.

So congratulations to the happy couple! We simply cannot wait until the Daily Mail rolls out hundreds of speculative articles about EVERY SINGLE ASPECT OF HER GESTATION.

WE CANNOT WAIT!

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STOP THE PRESSES! The Bieber baby drama may not be quite as dead as we all thought.

Jeffrey Leving, the lawyer representing Bieber’s baby momma, Mariah Yeater, has come out and said that the DNA test is still on! Meaning there’s still a chance that Justin really was bustin’ to get freaky with the single mother.

So forget everything we said yesterday, IT’S BACK ON BITCHES!

Leving stated in an interview that:

“I did not step down and there is a legal team. It’s a new legal team… negotiations are going on right now with Bieber’s council and we’re trying to negotiate a private, secure DNA test with the same safe guards that would exist if there were a court order, but without a court order.”

Which, if true, means that Bieber and his allegedly wandering willy may well still face the needle, in order to determine whether or not he did actually eff young Mariah’s brains out on that warm October night in L.A.

If it transpires that Bieber is indeed the father of Mariah Yeater’s baby, it will be the first time in human history that a father has turned out to be younger than his own biological child.

Rather annoyingly, Leving stated that his goal is to keep everything confidential, meaning we may never actually find out the truth about the Bieber baby, baby, baby.

Justin is still denying any and all responsibility for what fell out of Yeater’s chuff and is adamant that the DNA test will conclusively prove that he isn’t the father.

Apparently the current defence of, “his balls haven’t dropped yet,” doesn’t cut it in court anymore

Anyway, we all know the greater likelihood is that the father of the little bastard (the baby that is, not Bieber) is Frankie Cocozza.

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You know who Patti LaBelle is don’t you? Basically, she’s the woman who made Lady Marmalade in the ’70s. Yeah, the one that taught you the only French phrase you know outside of ‘bonjour’, ‘ça va bien’ and ‘j’ai douze ans’.

Well, it seems our Patti a maintenant des maladies mentales after she got accused of some very amusing things.

Basically, someone has accused her of screaming obscenities at a toddler and throwing a punch at the child’s mother in Manhattan. Isn’t that lovely?

Kevin and Roseanna Monk made the allegations about LaBelle’s fracas with their daughter Genevieve  in a lawsuit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court.

The Monks’ lawyer, Sam Davis, said Genevieve, then 18 months old, was scampering around the lobby of a Riverside Blvd. apartment building on the upper West Side in November when LaBelle, in full star regalia with oversize shades and a fur coat, started yelling.

“‘What are you doing letting your kid run around like that?’”

Then, allegedly, LaBelle started

“screaming at my client, throwing water from a bottle at the mother’s face and the baby’s face.”

When the mother asked if LaBelle was ‘happy that this is what you have done to this baby?!’, the soul singer thought it best to try and “take a swing” at the mother.

At this point, LaBelle was whisked away by her entourage and the baby violently threw up all over her mother.

Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da! Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Here!

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So Justin Bieber got all pissy when he heard that some lass was saying that she’d given birth to his baby, baby, baby oooh. He told us to forget those stupid claims and focus on his criminally awful Christmas album instead.

However, one thing Bieber wasn’t too good at refuting was the small matter of whether he’d actually sexed one up Mariah Yeater or not.

And now, in what appears to be an admission of shagging, he’s said that he’ll happily take a DNA test to show that he is not the father of Yeater’s child and then he’ll sue her good and proper.

Bieber, who is currently in Europe (poor Europe) will take the paternity test in two weeks when he returns to the United States and hopes to put an end to what he believes is a totally bogus story.

Ambulance chasers TMZ report that Bieber’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, contacted Mariah Yeater’s attorneys on Friday (gotta get down on Friday) and noted that the DNA test will happen.

In fact, so determined are Team Bieber, that they’ve directed Weitzman to find a lab to do the test. It is rumoured that Yeater’s lawyers appeared ‘nervous’ when they heard the news.

Bieber and his team seem to think that the lawsuit that is planned is of utmost importance so they can make an example of Yeater, showing the rest of us plebs that you can’t go around saying that celebrities have had sex with your without a condom on if it didn’t happen.

Which, incidentally, is not what Bieber is saying. What he’s saying is that the baby isn’t his. While he’s saying that he doesn’t even ‘know the woman’, he’s still not said that he didn’t have sex with her.

Oooh, this is a magical tale. Imagine if it turns out to be his baby. That would be HILARIOUS. We can look forward to a shit-eating grin and a subsequent cloying version of ‘Just The Two Of Us’, with Bieber and a baby, making up for that lost time when a girl indulged in a little statutory rape.

Or not, natch.

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So. The big news about Justin Bieber is this: He’s putting a Christmas album out that is so bad that the holiday season is going to be cancelled (the terrorists have finally won). He’s also adopted a dog. He’s also sired a child with a woman who kinda raped him, legally speaking.

Okay? We’re up to speed? Good. Now, here’s the ‘facts’.

Justin Bieber was keen to talk about the big story swirling around him on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. He’s basically saying ‘NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! YOU THINK I’M READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT? I HAVE NOT ADOPTED A DOG!‘ Right. The baby, baby, baby oooooh Justin. That’s what everyone’s talking about y’little puke!

Finally, Bieber has spoken about the allegations that he has illegitimately fathered a child with a 20-year-old fan. When he was 16. That’s the whole statutory rape thing we mentioned.

So what does El Biebo have to say? Of course, he went on twitter to clear things up once and for all!

“I’m going to ignore the rumours and focus on what is real. Judge me on the music!”

Judging him on the music is the only more damning thing he could’ve chosen outside of his unsavoury beliefs on abortion.

Meanwhile, being a little more assertive, Bieber’s publicist has called the allegation

“malicious”

That’s not stopped Belieber Mariah Yeater heading to the courtroom though. She definitely believes herself when she said:

“He suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone – a bathroom.

He promptly went and ‘fucked the shit’ out of her without a condom because he wanted to ‘feel everything’. That’s according to Yeater’s suit. And lo, on 6th July 2011, she gave birth to a baby boy, which she says was

“exactly 36 weeks and two days after the sexual encounter.”

She’s now requesting that Bieber does a paternity test and thinks about paying child support. Yeater’s lawyers say that their client…

“…is pursuing a modest and rightful claim. There is credible evidence that Justin Bieber is in fact the father of her baby.”

Bieber is not denying the claim that Little Bieber went into Yeater’s ‘back stage area’ unprotected. Did you notice that? This goes against his whole ‘mom, I promise I’ll stay pure’ schtick that he’s been wheeling around, eh?

Only last February he said:

“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them.”

So. Hands up if you can tell the difference between what you believed happened, and what you want to believe?

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CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don’t know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.

‘Hugh Grant’s publicist’ (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:

“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not  be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”

Because honesty really, really is by some considered to be something of a policy.

Oh, and for those who prefer their Hugh Grant news in a safer sounding, slightly witty, and altogether more endearing way, as always, here’s the Richard Curtis version of the same official statement.

“Blimey!”

That’s right. Hugh, who is 280 years old, has done a ‘Hugh Grant’ (that’s a bit of a Hugh Grant humour for you there) and become a father for the very first time to an accidental infant girl. Christ, some people have all the 1999 Kids Choice Favourite Movie Couple Blimp Awards luck, don’t they?

No word yet from Hugh on whether or not he gives a toss about this yet. Does he even know? Does Hugh Grant look like the kind of gent who reads the ‘PS’ section of emails? Not with haphazard, free-falling locks like those, that’s for sure.

As you may imagine, we’re head over heels for Hugh, and of course the glowing, irrelevant, and forever anonymous mother, and wish to send a special hecklerspray congratulations to the happy couple.

But wait! What will this little bundle of joy (but more importantly: RESPONSIBILITY) do to Hugh’s saucy, libidinous, constantly-happening-all-the-time sex life, we hear you cry?

What’s that, you say?

Go on. Don’t be shy.

‘Hugh Grant never met a vagina he didn’t like?‘

Guys. That is sick.

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