Video games get sequels all the time. We’re near-constantly being beaten around the head with them. Yet, there are few video games that prompt more feverish excitement amongst fans than the Resident Evil series, so let’s have a gander at the trailer for Resident Evil 6 shall we?

The uneducated will confuse this with the trailer for some dreadful Underworld-style actual film, but hardcore Resident Evil fans will be simultaneously excited and dismayed by the teasers for ‘the gaming experience of 2012’ (ie: ‘the gaming experience of four hours of 2012 so they can be the first to post a review on gamefaqs.com’).

Use your bleary, bloodshot eyes to watch the trailer and read our jokes over the jump:

0:11 Oh God it’s Leon from Resident Evils 2 and 4. And he’s still not ditched the whole emo/military thing. Get a haircut Leon.

0:39 The president of the United States informs Leon what a great relationship they have. HE’S JUST LIKE JACK BAUER. Hang on though. Bloody hell, Leon and his hair have now shot the president of the United States. Some random woman is involved. Crackers. This isn’t like 24 at all.

1:11 “90% of the population of Tall Oaks have been infected with the virus. That runs at about 70,000 hostiles.” Says some woman in a Situation Room.

“Yeah, this is Raccoon City all over again.” Says Leon and his hair.

No, this is Resident Evil 2 all over again. Resident Evil 2 was not a good game. Bugger.

1:29 The action has transferred to Japan! Because the Japan bit was the best bit of The Dark Knight! (The Japan bit was not the best bit of The Dark Knight. It wasn’t even in Japan! It was Hong Kong! Pay attention, Capcom!) It’s got Chris Redfield from the first Resident Evil in it! He’s part of some sort of Alpha Team. Oh dear. Fans of the series will know that being part of an Alpha Team is like wearing being beamed down to a planet in Star Trek wearing a red shirt.

2:06 Yeah, Alpha Team seem to meet some terrible grief. Involving Nemesis from Resident Evil 3 by the look. The one no-one enjoyed. Yawn.

2:16 Oh no. Surely not. The squeaky voice… yes, it’s Ashley from Resident Evil 4. Massively annoying, complains-if-you-look-up-her-skirt, only-useful-for-crawling-through-the-very-few0obviously-placed-confined-spaces-in-the-whole-game Ashley. “The world needs you!” She squeaks. Monumentally tiresome Ashley.

2:40 Chris Redfield in full effect! He nearly says “Bitch” but it’s edited. A young male colleague warns him against a “personal vendetta” like he’s Chase Edmunds out of series 3 of 24 or something. And we all know what happened to him. Rumours that you get to chop the cocky little bastard’s hand off yourself are currently unconfirmed by Capcom.

2:47 onwards. Standard scenes to be honest. This viewer could be watching any trailer for anything at all.

Oh do you know what? It’ll be like this – abysmal control system as always, inability to run whilst shooting as always, co-op throughout that no-one wants (even in single player), bunch of hardcore fans going all “it’s not even a Resident Evil game, I liked it when it wasn’t fully-rendered 3D and you had to wait 30 seconds for a door to open on the Dreamcast so the next bunch of gloomy corridors and rooms could load” and otherwise it’ll be brilliant.

Enjoy. Or don’t.

The DEA investigation into the death of Heath Ledger has been closed with a great deal of secrecy, confusion and ‘embarrassment’ all round.

Yes, it would seem that everyone involved in the investigation – which covered the whole of the US – can breathe a sigh of relief, as they will not have to present themselves in front of a grand jury. This includes one Mary-Kate Olsen, whose involvement with Ledger was something questions have been raised about for a number of months now.

Fortunately for the twin-billionaire, with the case being dropped she will no longer be forced to appear for any legal proceedings, nor will she have to keep up her claims for immunity.

The collective eyebrow of the world probably isn’t quite as raised any more.

Reports on TMZ have highlighted the amount of confusion and ridiculousness in what they call a ‘power grab’ by the DEA. Heath Ledger‘s death was something that should have been investigated by the NYPD, in many people’s views, and there was no reason for the feds to get involved in the whole thing.

Basically because it was ruled an accidental death and there was no criminal element linked to the proceedings. Which, y’know, is pretty much necessary for the federales to get involved, normally. What with that being their job description and all – not hassling people because someone accidentally killed themselves.

This does mean that we may never get to see Mary-Kate Olsen doing her best to look like she’s capable of functioning in the real world, as she explains her case to a grand jury and tries not to look as rough as a badger’s arse. Which would all surely come as huge challenges to her.

It’s a shame, as that would have made for some interesting reading, as well as actually letting us know whether the one half of a child from Full House did have anything to do with Ledger’s death.

It would also mean we would know where we stood legally, and wouldn’t have to avoid baseless accusations. Stupid laws…

No, we will simply have to put up with the Olsen’s book, possibly watching as Mary-Kate decides to add a new chapter at the end, telling all about her experiences with the feds. Obviously Ashley would have to put something in there as well for the sake of twinly balance, so she could talk about what it was like to get all jiggy and stuff with a cyclist.

Though anyone that wanted to read that part would have to be clinically insane, downright sick or probably blind. A combination of all three would definitely be a benefit.

Wait – we had a point somewhere… oh yes!

So the Drug Enforcement Administration’s seemingly frivolous investigation into the death of The Dark Knight star Heath Ledger has been dropped, with one reason given being:

“Because they don’t believe there’s a viable target.”

Which is, well – a pretty good reason to stop an investigation, if we’re honest here. We may never know if there was a third party that contributed willingly or unwillingly to the death of Heath Ledger, but at least this strange investigation can be forgotten about and the man can be left alone.

At least until they launch a new investigation, of course.

The start of a new year is a time to wipe the slate clean, to reflect on one’s past negativity and move on determined to right one’s wrongs imbued with a fresh sense of goodwill and radiant positivity.

And that’s why the very first hecklerspray post of 2008 is all about celebrity divorces. Not only that, but it’s a betting odds post, meaning that we’re effectively giving you the chance to make a crazy amount of money by exploiting the misery of others. Over the next couple of days we’re giving you the chance to bet on which celebrity couple will be the first to file for divorce in 2008. Bah, radiant positivity is overrated, anyway.

So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman, Posh and Becks and Ashley and Cheryl Cole, with help from Paddy Power…

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas – It’s a possibility that Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas will file for divorce in 2008, but we can’t see it happening. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have a strong, watertight marriage based on honesty, trust and Catherine’s cat-like ability to wipe liquidised vegetable from Michael’s chin with a napkin before anyone else notices. And anyway, would you try and get your claws on half the Douglas millions if you were Catherine Zeta-Jones? Of course not – you’d wait a couple of years and pick up the whole lot in the will. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 50/1

Christina Aguilera & Jordan Bratman – As anyone with even a semi-functioning set of eyes will be able to tell you, Christina Aguilera is pregnant. Almost disgustingly so – the woman looks like a massive juddering cyst that’s learnt how to wail, for Christ’s sake. So would Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman really file for divorce in the same year as their newborn baby was born? Maybe – after all, Aguilera looks like enough of a nightmare as it is, so imagine what she’d be like after six months of staying awake to let a screaming naked animal chew on her tit. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 25/1

Posh & Becks – Fact: there has never been a marriage  in all of history as strong as that of Posh and Becks. It’s rock solid and based completely on love and not a cynical determination to exploit an invented brand for financial gain like some people think. But 2007 was a tough year for Posh & Becks since they spent much of it apart – with Posh traipsing around the world honking out one single line in the Spice Girls reunion concert and Becks screwing up his big American football move – so will 2008 see a divorce? Oh, we don’t bloody care. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 20/1

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – In many ways, Katie Holmes is the perfect woman for Tom Cruise because she’s far less famous than him, is largely silent and owns a womb that’s in the perfect shape for blasting out enigmatic Cruise baby after enigmatic Cruise baby. Despite this, the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes marriage has never been completely convincing, so could it all end in divorce this year? Sweet baby Xenu, we hope not – even if it’s all a total sham, we still want Tom and Katie to stay together. Anything that stops Katie Holmes from acting is just dandy by us. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 18/1

Ashley & Cheryl Cole – Has there ever been a celebrity marriage as thunderingly pointless as that of Ashley & Cheryl Cole? They’re just like Posh & Becks but without all the sparkling conversation and intimidating intellectual insight and not a single person would even muster the tiniest fart if they filed for divorce in 2008. Having said that, we do think that Ashley and Cheryl Cole should try as hard as they can to work through whatever marital problems they encounter in 2008, because a divorce would probably spark off a billion different new vapid ghostwritten autobiographies between the pair of them, and we don’t know if our minds could take it. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 10/1

Tomorrow – celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power celebrity divorce betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

You know Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the young twins who you've barely ever thought about in your entire lives, especially recently?

Yeah, PETA bloody hates them. Although Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are just living the sort of life that people of their youth and wealth are expected to – riding around in carriages made of knitted saffron, employing small Taiwanese children to cling onto the soles of their feet and act like super-chic screaming shoes, eating spacedust through straws made of the spines of deceased international dignitaries, that sort of thing – PETA has singled the pair of them out for the full brunt of their abuse because they wear fur coats now and again. That's right, PETA doesn't call them Mary-Kate And Ashley Olsen any more – it calls them Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen.

And that's fighting talk right there.

PETA – the organisation that promises to keep showing us pictures of naked women until the fur trade has been stamped out entirely, the bastards – tends to only deal in black and white. If PETA likes you then it'll call you sexy. But if PETA doesn't like you, then you should expect a right rough ride from the group.

If it's not dumping horseshit on your doorstep or spoiling your dinner or – worst of all – making Heather Mills chase you around dressed in a great big telly, then PETA is destroying your credibility by making a vaguely substandard Flash game about you on its website. And that's the hell that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going through right now.

PETA's new campaign to stop people wearing fur or eating meat or wearing leather or torturing rabbits or smiling or having fun involves two characters named Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen, obviously based on Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen – two people who PETA has got the hump with because they won't stop wearing bits of dead animals when they go out. According to PETA:

Some say that Hairy-Kate and Trashley are guilty of offending their fans with some major fashion boo-boos, but here at peta2, we think that's the understatement of the year! The twins' heartless decision to wear fur and include it in their new fashion line, The Row (more like "Death Row"), is worse than a fashion no-no—it's cruelty to animals. The Trollsens have ignored our pleas to stop wearing fur—and have since added horribly ugly fur items to their new clothing line. It's obvious that we need your help to convince them that wearing fur is wrong and hideous!

And it doesn't stop there – PETA has also made a video about Mary-Kate and Ashley that's based on a sitcom we've never watched and full of references that mean nothing to us. It's hilarious… 

All very clever, we're sure. But none of these dreary tactics endear us to PETA at all – in fact, if anything it just makes us feel sorry for the Olsen twins. After all, it's easy to judge and mock them for wearing needlessly cruel pieces of outerwear, but one of them is doing it with Lance Armstrong, for God's sake. Lance Armstrong! Haven't these people suffered enough already?

Read more:

Meet The Trollsen Twins – PETA