And if you went to the reunion concert, at some point you more than likely woke up in the trunk of a car next to a spare tire and several bloodied police batons. Had you your senses about you, you’d have noticed there were 193 other unconscious people crammed in there with you – all of them wearing rainbowy shirts.

That’s because local police really cracked down at the show – enough so to confiscate over $1,000,000 in illegal drugs, among other things.

If for some reason you decided to attend the recent Hampton, VA Phish concert dressed like a giant doobie – heaven help you. Not only would your lame, all-day joke be hotter and sweatier than you ever imagined, but you’d have a devil of a time fitting into the typical port-a-johns as well.

Not so funny now, is it? Not with urine on your legs it isn’t! Your experience would get even worse. Imagine it – there you are gaily playing hacky sack with all of your unshaven, dreadlocked, itchy friends – and you’re having the game of your life. The sack’s been passed to you three times and you haven’t even had to apologise to anybody yet – when suddenly you get tackled and dragged off by your big fuzzy yellow boots.

You don’t know where you’re going yet – and you’re scared. The next thing you know you’re getting shaken upside down by three men in blue cop uniforms. Everything falls out of your pockets – including all your weed, your pot, your dope, your grass, your reefer, your herb, your Mary Jane, your Aunt Mary, your gangster, your boom, your ganja, your skunk, your kif, your buds, your nuggets, your blaze, your whacky tobaccy, your hay, your rope, your stinkweed – and worst of all – your pocket picture of the blessed Mother Theresa who watches over you while you sleep.

And you know what happens next – the cops take it all from you. No, really they do. As the Washington Post so delicately explains things:

“Police said Monday they confiscated about $1.2 million in illegal drugs and more than $68,000 in cash from concertgoers. Authorities also arrested 194 Phish fans during the three-night celebration of the band’s return to the stage after a nearly five-year absence. Most of the arrests were for drug possession, use and distribution, police said.”

The cops sure saw them coming, eh? And do you know where that confiscated money will go? Probably to police cruisers or something. And do you know where the drugs will go? Probably also to police cruisers once its been properly sold and what not.

Ah, who are we kidding? That would be completely unethical. Although the local police force couldn’t in good conscience sell drugs to raise patrol car money, they probably could shape some of the moistened cocaine into something fast with wheels.

Now just imagine seeing that flashing in the rear view.

We know – terrifying.

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Oh, alright, alleged lunatics. Just a couple of weeks after Sharon Osbourne apparently attacked a bikini model after hearing a slur about Ozzy, Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist who insinuated that her boyfriend didn’t know what an earthquake was.

If you ask us, Jack Osbourne must be feeling left out. Maybe if we make up a good enough lie we’ll be able to goad him into punching a nun unconscious or something.

Kelly Osbourne has always been the member of the Osbourne family who we’d least like to get into a fight with. Ozzy, obviously, would be a pushover. Sharon’s main line of attack is traditionally the liquid fling, which we’d be able to counter with the aid of, say, an umbrella or a cagoule or whatever. Jack Osbourne has climbed mountains with Craig David without ever pushing him off, so we doubt we could even make him angry enough to initiate us in a fight anyway.

But Kelly Osbourne? Different story. Kelly Osbourne not only has the heft to make mincemeat of us, but she also looks the kind of girl who’d cry immediately afterwards, and there’s nothing worse than a mixed message when it comes to hypothetical intergender fistfights.

So that’s why we feel sorry for Zoe Griffin from The Mirror, because she apparently found herself on the wrong end of a Kelly Osbourne fury attack last year. According to reports, Kelly took offence at a column claiming that her fiance Luke Worrall didn’t know what an earthquake was and slapped Griffin across the face. We’re not making this up, although to be honest we sort of wish we were.

Anyway, as MTV reports, the police have finally got around to arresting Kelly Osbourne for assault:

Although authorities wouldn’t disclose her name, they released a statement about the incident. “I can confirm that a 24-year-old woman attended a central London police station by appointment at 3 p.m. on January 2 … She was arrested for common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of 29th August 2008. She was bailed to attend a central London police station on a date in March.”

Why did it take so long to arrest Kelly Osbourne for this incident? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect that officers wanted to make sure that it really was Kelly Osbourne who slapped Zoe Griffin and not someone who just looked a bit like her, like Matt Lucas or a sad Moomin or something.

Anyway, we’re hoping that this mess gets sorted out quickly without anyone resorting to locking Kelly Osbourne up. We hear she can start fires in her sleep, you know.

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But forget that. Because everything that Johnny Knoxville has ever done – like getting shot, riding a bicycle off a diving board, being smacked in the testicles with a mallet, trying to make polite conversation with Jessica Simpson, especially trying to make polite conversation with Jessica Simpson – looks like the work of a highly respected quantum physicist compared with what he’s just done.

Johnny Knoxville has just been arrested. For trying to take a hand grenade onto an aeroplane. Top that, Wee Man.

You need a certain mindset to be able to do what the cast of Jackass does. In Steve-O’s case, that mindset happens to be that of a drug-addled mental patient who is genuinely terrifying. And in the case of Johnny Knoxville, it would appear to be the mindset of the Shoe Bomber.

Since the last Jackass movie was released, Johnny Knoxville has been keeping something of a low profile, only appearing occasionally to divorce his wife or attach himself to any number of movies that nobody in their right mind would ever dream of watching. But that’s because he was biding his time – waiting to pull off the biggest stunt of his life.

And that stunt involved appearing to accidentally trying to board a plane with a hand grenade in his luggage. Which, in fact, Johnny Knoxville did yesterday at LAX. The Daily Breeze reports:

Knoxville, whose given name is John Philip Clapp, was detained by Airport Police as he was about to board a 7 a.m. American Airlines flight to Miami, LAX spokeswoman Nancy Castles said. Knoxville, 38, of Malibu was moving through passenger security when a Transportation Security Administration officer saw the image of a hand grenade in his carry-on bag, Castles said.

Now, although the grenade was inspected by the bomb squad and found to have no explosives or firing pin, Johnny Knoxville was still arrested, with police hoping to charge him with possession of a prohibited item within the sterile area of an airport.

For what it’s worth, Johnny Knoxville claims that the grenade was a prop for a photoshoot that he’d forgotten to remove from his luggage. Which is no doubt a familiar excuse to anyone who remembers when Snoop Dogg was arrested for trying to take a 21-inch police baton onto a plane in 2006. His excuse, too, was that it was merely a prop for a video. Not that we’ve ever seen the video, of course. We believe it was entitled Cosh Yourself Thin With Snoop Dogg or something.

But anyway, Johnny Knoxville should be thankful that, at worst, he’ll only be slapped with a misdemeanour charge. Because taking a hand grenade onto an aeroplane on the exact same day that an aeroplane crashed into a river in New York is undoubtedly the stupidest thing anyone has ever done in an airport.

Or, you know, the second-stupidest thing if you don’t count David Hasselhoff wetting himself. Which we’re not sure we should, in honesty.

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Oh, and a boozy tit. Allegedly. Sam Shepard – from films like Black Hawk Down and Baby Boom – has been arrested on suspicion of speeding and driving drunk in Illinois. And that’s more or less all there is to the story.

Except that Sam Shepard now has something else to put on his CV alongside acting, directing, being a prize-winning writer and getting arrested on suspicion of DUI – his mugshots also make him look like Gordon Ramsay’s homeless uncle. That’s something to be proud of.

Reading through Sam Shepard’s list of accomplishments makes him sort of seem a little bit like Forrest Gump. A really angry Forrest Gump. He always seems to be involved in what’s going on – he was a drummer in a band that was on the Easy Rider soundtrack. He won the Pulitzer Prize for his 1979 play Buried Child. He wrote Paris, Texas for Wim Wenders. He’s an Oscar-nominated actor. He played the banjo on Patti Smith’s cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit. It’s almost exactly like Forrest Gump, a film that we admittedly haven’t watched for several years and can barely remember.

However, there is one difference between Sam Shepard and Forrest Gump – where Forrest Gump ended with Forrest running everywhere as fast as he could, the last few moments of Sam Shepard’s life have seen him allegedly getting tanked up on twice the legal amount of booze and driving around as fast as possible until he was arrested for it, at which point someone took of a photo of him where his hair looked a bit mad.

What else is there to this Sam Shepard DUI story? Embarrassingly little, to be honest. The Boston Herald reports:

Police Lt. Mark Kotte says officers stopped Shepard early Saturday in the central Illinois town of Normal. Kotte says the 65-year-old Shepard was driving 16 mph over the 30 mph speed limit. Kotte says a breath test indicated Shepard’s blood-alcohol level was double the legal limit… A man who answered the jail phone said he did not know the amount of bail.

It’s like Sam Shepard is daring us to find something even vaguely interesting in this story, isn’t it? Yes, he was apparently speeding, but only slightly. Yes, he was drunk, but it’s not as if he started raging at the police about how much he hates the Jews. People care so little about Sam Shepard’s DUI arrest that nobody even bothered to ask the man who answered the phone at the jail he was kept in who he was. He even did it all in a town called Normal, for crying out loud. Sam Shepard’s fiendish, we’ll give him that.

Still, at least now he’s been arrested on suspicion of DUI, Sam Shepard can continue his slow transformation into Paris Hilton. Next thing you know, Sam Shepard will be falling out of cars in a miniskirt with no underwear on, then he’ll start hosting a reality show called Sam Shepard’s My New BFF, where he’ll audition a gaggle of clueless fame-hungry numpties to see who’ll be his best friend, all the while muttering “I co-wrote Brownsville Girl with Bob Dylan, for God’s sake. Where did my life go so very wrong?”

Well we’d watch it.

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But not this year! Oh no, this year is completely different – this year we’ve got some real news for you! And that news? Matt Dillon was caught driving his car a little bit faster than he should! And he got arrested! In VERMONT!

No, really, this is big news. Huge news. Matt Dillon is one of the most famous actors in the world and… oh wait, it’s not 1988 any more, is it? OK, carry on. Sorry.

We’ve always had a soft spot for Matt Dillon, and that’s why you’ve never seen a hecklerspray story written about him. It’s not because Matt Dillon is such a thundering charisma vacuum that he could set himself on fire and run through the streets machine-gunning kittens while repeatedly screaming his own name into a loudhailer made of matted blood and toddler-hair and you’d still be hard pushed to find anyone who’d care. It’s because we’ve got a soft spot for him.

But, look, let’s not kid ourselves. This is January 2. Nothing has happened. Nothing ever happens on January 2. We’re so desperate for stuff to write about that we’re completely prepared to pretend that people care about the minor legal infractions allegedly committed by past-it James Dean impersonators who once chose to star in both Herbie: Fully Loaded and You, Me And Dupree within a particularly harrowing 13-month timespan.

And that’s why we’re pleased to report that Matt Dillon has been arrested for driving his car at 106mph in a 65mph zone. In Vermont. In a rented car. A red rented car. But wait! That’s not all – MSBNC reports:

Dillon, of New Rochelle, N.Y., was photographed, fingerprinted and released with a citation to appear at Orange County Court, police said.

OK, actually that was all. Matt Dillon drove a car quite fast, got arrested for it and was released. What happens next is anyone’s guess – chances are that if Matt Dillon is found guilty of speeding then he might have to complete a community service sentence, possibly in a field that he’s already an expert at. And that means he’ll have to teach some deprived kids how to either a) mumble a lot or b) drive a red rented car at 106mph in a 65mph zone in Vermont. Because they are the only two things that Matt Dillon is good at. And the second one seems a little bit counterproductive, frankly.

However, at least by allegedly speeding Matt Dillon has broken his hecklerspray duck, and we look forward to writing about him again in the year 2013 when he does something equally newsworthy, like prodding a cat with a pencil or thinking about some crisps or whatever. We can’t wait!

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So, when anybody does lunge at Lindsay Lohan, it’s best to arrest them on suspicion of being weird. And that’s what happened to Daniel Combs after he allegedly flung himself at Lindsay Lohan outside an Arizona nightclub yesterday.

A man excited to be around Lindsay Lohan? That doesn’t sound right. Our theory is that Combs was just trying to give Lindsay some underwear, which explains his cries of “For the love of God, cover it up! My eyes! They burn! THEY BURN!”

2008 is almost through, and we’re almost completely certain that the overriding memory that people will take from it is that Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex was an unmitigated failure. Sure, it started off well enough – with Lindsay Lohan colonising small European islands using only her tongue – but after that? Deathly silence.

There was a glimmer of excitement when Lindsay Lohan decided to hook up with a girl, but that faded away when everyone realised the girl in question looks like a joyless semi-retired investment banker from Wiltshire named Gerald, and that her only intention was to glumly follow Lindsay Lohan around with a face that suggested she was contractually obliged to do so.

So Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Political Failure? Maybe. Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Not Even Being Famous Enough For Ugly Betty Any More? Definitely. But Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex? No chance.

In fact, Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex has now become so moribund that random strangers are now doing everything they can to give it a last-minute second wind. And by ‘random strangers’ we mean ‘alleged Lindsay Lohan stalker Daniel Combs’. And by ‘give it a last-minute second wind’ we mean ‘lunge at Lindsay outside a nightclub until he gets arrested.’ Because that’s basically what happened, as E! Online reports:

A man accused of stalking the actress was busted in Scottsdale, Ariz., early this morning, after making an aggressive play for Lohan’s attention as she exited a local nightclub.”The gentleman became very excited when he realized he was so close to Samantha, and he has a history of being a stalker with Lindsay Lohan, so he immediately attacked her and started yelling ‘I love her, I love her,’” said the club’s owner, Dan Wiecrk.

What gets us here isn’t the borderline-unbelievable notion that Lindsay Lohan still has fans, let alone fans who care about her enough to apparently try and attack her, but that this Daniel Combs character knew how to find Lindsay Lohan so easily. Because, come on, outside a nightclub at 1:30am? That’s only where Lindsay Lohan is 98% of the time. She could have been anywhere else for the remaining two percent, like inside a nightclub or… actually, no. Inside a nightclub. That’s it.

So, yes, Lindsay Lohan’s life may have possibly been put in a tiny amount of danger by this wayward fan accosting her in such a terrifying way, but we’re pretty sure that Lindsay won’t pursue charges against him. After all, we get the impression that if he goes to jail, Lindsay Lohan’s forthcoming comedy Labor Pains will be the first film in history never to be watched all the way through by a single human being.

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Seriously, don’t. There’s so much more to Vinnie Jones than being in an X-Men film, like being the mute thug in that John Travolta thriller from seven years ago, or being the ninth male lead in Eurotrip. Honestly, the man is an artist.

So don’t tell Vinnie Jones that you recognise him from X-Men because, if you do, he’ll beat you up until he gets arrested. Which seems to be more or less exactly what happened in South Dakota last week.

Vinnie Jones is something of a national treasure. He just seems to symbolise the British psyche better than anyone else on Earth. Maybe it’s because of his grit and no-nonsense attitude, maybe it’s because he looks like he’s been genetically designed to participate in shitfaced 3am bottlefights outside pikey nightclubs or maybe it’s because he disappeared to America at the first sniff of money but, either way, Vinnie Jones is British through and through.

And just to prove how British he is, Vinnie Jones got himself arrested on Thursday night in South Dakota after allegedly getting into a bar brawl because somebody looked at him funny. Our hearts are literally bursting with pride right now, you have no idea. AP has details:

Police said Jones, 43, got into a scuffle late Thursday at Wiley’s Tavern and suffered cuts on his face from a beer glass. A police sergeant said Jones apparently charged at Jesse Bickett of Montrose, who hit Jones with the glass. One of Bickett’s roommates, Juan Barrera, said they were playing pool when Jones asked to join, then got offended when one of them asked if he was “that guy from X-Men.”

Now, to be fair, if this version of events is true it sounds like these idiots had it coming. How dare they recognise Vinnie Jones from the largest-grossing movie of his career! That came out like two years ago – if Bickett or Barrera had any sense, they’d have chosen to recognise Vinnie Jones from one of his more recent movies like The Riddle, The Heavy, The Condemned, Strength & Honour, Tooth & Nail or Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties.

When will these people learn that Vinnie Jones only likes to be recognised as the star of movies with titles that begin with the word ‘The’, or contain two randomly-chosen words with an ampersand in the middle, or are funny cartoons about lazy orange cats? Because, honestly, when it comes to Vinnie Jones, that knowledge is basically gospel.

Anyway, according to reports Vinnie Jones was quite badly injured when he was hit in the face with the glass, with his nose allegedly being cut to the bone. That’s the sort of injury that’ll leave a nasty scar, and it’s bound to have a negative effect on Vinnie’s movie career.

It means that, from now on, Vinnie Jones is only going to be cast as silent, glowering, goonish criminal hooligan henchmen in everything he stars… oh, hang on.

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Following Richie Sambora’s DUI arret in March, Ava’s mother Heather Locklear has gone and followed suit. According to reports, Heather Locklear was arrested for DUI on Saturday night after police found her parked on a motorway, blocking an entire lane.

However, it’s also been reported that alcohol wasn’t a factor in Heather Locklear’s arrest. That begs the question – what was Heather driving under the influence of? The best guess at the moment is that it was prescription medicine – but having seen Heather Locklear’s arrest mugshot we’re pretty sure that she was driving under the influence of either onions or the dark lord Satan.

But anyway, back to Heather Locklear’s daughter. She’s going to be in for a bumper Christmas, isn’t she? There’s nothing like parental guilt for amassing giant presents, and both her parents have plenty to be guilty about.

True, both Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora have been arrested for DUI within six months of each other, but they’ve both got their own individual reasons to feel stupid. Her father Richie Sambora should feel stupid because his daughter was in the car with him during his DUI arrest, and her mother Heather Locklear is probably feeling stupid because she appears to be in the middle of a giant mental and physical breakdown that she urgently needs to seek help for.

The signs have been there for a while, to be honest – not because of the way that Heather Locklear unconvincingly denied that story about her suicide attempt or her admission into rehab on the grounds of depression soon after, but because of the way that she let David Spade have it off with her. Urgh, David Spade.

And now all those warning signs seem to have come to fairly upsetting fruition – Heather Locklear has been arrested for DUI. But not any old DUI – potentially lethal DUI that appears to stem from the consumption of prescription medicine. The LA Times reports:

According to TMZ, alcohol was not a factor and the police believe she was on prescription medications. A resident reported Heather was “driving erratically” while pulling out of a parking lot. The California Highway Patrol say they found Locklear’s car parked on a state highway and it was blocking a lane.

After being tested for alcohol and drugs, Heather Locklear was released without bail. But, really, the arrest isn’t the important thing here – the important thing is the gradual deterioration of Heather Locklear’s condition. For God’s sake – things have got so bad for Heather that she’s now basically just copying Nicole Richie. That’s literally as bad as anything in this world can get.

Fingers crossed that Heather Locklear takes this arrest as her cue to seriously seek help to iron out her problems, for her daughter’s sake as much as her own. After all, would you really want a child of yours to be raised under the sole care of Richie Sambora from Bon Jovi? Of course you wouldn’t – the haircuts they’d receive alone would be enough to traumatise them permanently.

And, since Richard & Judy isn’t on the telly any more, that means that George Michael only has one way to respond to his arrest this weekend on suspicion of sitting on a toilet in Hampstead Heath trying to eat a chunk of crack the size of an owl, or whatever it was that he was arrested for.

In short, now that he’s been cautioned for his possession of crack, George Michael has issued an apology to all his fans promising that he’s going to try and overcome his drug problems once and for all. And a good thing too, because all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today.

When you think of George Michael, you don’t instantly think of crack cocaine. That’s because, as history has shown us in the form of Pete Doherty, the music that a crack addiction produces is a sort of off-kilter retro indie that sounds like a tranquilised cat being tortured until it makes a noise that sounds like the worst song The Kinks ever wrote.

And since George Michael deals solely in insipid, mimsying soul ballads that only hairdressers and nurses are allowed to like, nobody really made the connection.

But it seems as if the connection is there. On Friday George Michael was arrested on suspicion of the possession of a Class A drug though to be crack after a toilet attendant in Hampstead Heath saw him acting all peculiar and reported him to the police.

It’s not the first time that George Michael has found himself in trouble because of drugs – in the past he’s been found slumped at the wheel of his car with cannabis in his possession, smoking as much cannabis as possible on national television and taking loads of whatever drug it is that makes you feel up unemployed van drivers in a bush in front of the world’s press.

But crack? That’s a much more serious problem. As we all know, prolonged exposure to crack makes you grow a funny haircut and start screeching the word “BLAKE!” at intermittent points throughout your songs, and that would never do.

However, it seems as if this arrest has made George Michael come to his senses a little, because in his obligatory post-arrest apology to fans, George Michael has hinted that he might be about to attempt something of a clean-up:

“I want to apologise to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I’ll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them.”

Sorry, but this sounds like the most insincere piece of tosh we’ve ever heard. Not because George Michael constantly apologises to his fans after these drug arrests and yet he never seems to do anything about it, but because George Michael obviously doesn’t care about how much he bores people. If he did, all copies of Jesus To A Child would currently be sealed inside a lead box, encased in concrete and buried 400ft underground where it couldn’t do anybody any more damage.

Still, at least an arrest on suspicion of crack possession is probably as bad as things will ever get for George Michael. And, on the bright side, he’s now got something to pin his confusing friendship with Geri Halliwell a few years ago on. After all, a fevered crack-dependent mind is just about the only logical reason why anyone would willingly want to go through a mental torture like that.

Because, without question, a TV show about the family life of Ryan O’Neal would hands-down be the best piece of television ever made. Especially if it explained why Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were yesterday both arrested on the felony charge of methamphetamine possession.

Wow. So Oscar-nominated actor Ryan O’Neal (father of Tatum O’Neal, the actress who was recently arrested for buying crack) and his son Redmond (who last year tied his half-brother to a staircase like a dog and hit his girlfriend in the head with a fireplace poker until Ryan O’Neal actually had to fire a gun at him to make him stop) might be on drugs. Who knew?

You know what? We’d give anything to be an O’Neal. Seriously, anything. When we were kids, our Dad would just take us out for fishing trips or bike rides or something equally dull. But not Ryan O’Neal. Ryan O’Neal’s a real dad, and here’s why:

*Ryan O’Neal taught his kids that the only way to deal with the grief of losing a pet is to go and buy crack and then pretend you didn’t know it was crack when you’re arrested for it.

*Ryan O’Neal knows that sometimes the only way you can stop your son from waving a fireplace poker around so haphazardly that he injures his own girlfriend’s head because you overreacted to the sight of him tethering your other son to a bannister like a dog to stop him buying drugs is to fire a gun at him.

*Ryan O’Neal knows that the family that gets shitfaced on methamphetamine together stays together. Allegedly.

How much of that did you do with us, Dad? None of it. Thanks Dad. Thanks a lot.

Anyway, Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond O’Neal have both been arrested on the felony charge of narcotics possession. The New York Daily News reports:

Deputies found what is believed to be methamphetamine on them during a probation sweep of their Malibu home. Father and son were later released on $10,000 bail each. “Authorities found Redmond in possession of narcotics and later discovered the father, Ryan O’Neal, was also in possession of narcotics,” spokesman Steve Whitmore told the Daily News

Of course, the lion’s share of the blame for the arrest has to go to Redmond O’Neal. If he hadn’t got arrested earlier this year for going on a pre-dawn joyride through the streets of Malibu with all sorts of heroin and crystal meth in his possession then the probation squad would have never come a-knocking, leaving Ryan and Redmond to get as allegedly munted on methamphetamine as they like in the privacy of their own home.

Still, it doesn’t matter whose fault the arrest was, or even if Ryan O’Neal and Redmond O’Neal are guilty or innocent. What matters is that the justice system doesn’t punish either of them for this. Seriously. Imagine if this arrest shocked the O’Neals into cleaning up their act and behaving like responsible members of the public for once. This website would go under in seconds. Seconds. We beg of you, don’t let that happen.

We have this all on good authority. We wouldn’t publish it any other way.

When West is getting that springtime fresh pixie breath whispered into his ear – well we bet nothing has ever felt better. When he’s not though – that’s gotta just bring him down. He definitely didn’t have any magical fairy friends with him when he grabbed a photographers camera, lifted it way over his head and then threw it to the ground as hard as he possibly could.

This was all caught on tape by the way – video tape, to be exact.

Kanye West went and got himself arrested. While incarcerated we understand he decided to finally make something of himself by going back to school, and majoring in refrigerator repair.

You see, West was in an airport recently when a photographer started snapping pics of him. Kanye was displeased, and he smashed the photog’s camera until it was broke, broke.

It’s thought that what sparked the rapper’s rage wasn’t the fact that pictures were being taken, but that the picture taker was eating a Whopper while doing so. He hates Big Macs too. He also hates whatever Wendy’s main sandwich is, and he can’t for the life of him understand why someone would opt for an inferior burger when the one’s he’d gladly make you are fortified with so much more essential nutrients and iron.

We don’t understand it either Kanye. We also don’t understand why you’d go on such a weird rampage when you’re clearly surrounded by paparazzi with video cameras flashing little red dots in your general direction.

TMZ owns one of Kanye’s unfortunate victims, that’s why they are in the perfect position to describe the scene:

“You see Kanye (in a gray hooded sweatshirt) and his bodyguard/road manager (in the red) grabbing the camera away from the photog. It appears the bodyguard, Don Crowley, gets the camera and Kanye gets the lighting component. Crowley smashes the camera to the ground and Kanye does the same with the light.

“Erik, our camera guy, then comes closer and the bodyguard then comes up and wrestles his camera away, ultimately breaking it. As we first reported, both Kanye and his bodyguard were arrested for vandalism. They’re both being held on $20,000 bail.”

Taken at face value it looks like West is acting astoundingly villainous. What you don’t know is that the photographer who suffered the brunt of the attack had just been mocking all of West’s feeble attempts to end kiddie porn forever, bring peace to Georgians and to prepare a landing pad way up atop the Mount of Olives.

See, such mockery is something we just couldn’t stand for either.

Make that a great big bear with an exceptionally unflattering beard and a nasty habit of driving round Las Vegas punching women in the head and threatening them with knives until he gets arrested. Or punching one woman in the head and threatening her with a knife, at least. And that woman’s his girlfriend. Allegedly.

Suge Knight has been arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence. Oh, and possession of a controlled substance too, because he allegedly had Ecstasy and hydrocodone on him when he was busted. Like we’ve always said, there ain’t no violent knifey drug party like a Suge Knight violent knifey drug party.

You have to feel for Suge Knight a little bit, don’t you? Once feared by all who met him, his life has recently turned into a bit of a farce.

Where he was once the man who apocryphally held Vanilla Ice by his ankles off a 20-storey building and forced one of Diddy’s associates to drink a cup of urine, now he’s the fat bankrupt bloke who shot himself in the leg that time. Hardly compares, does it?

Still, that’s not to say that Suge Knight has lost his ability to physically intimidate others. He allegedly did a pretty good job of physically intimidating his girlfriend recently, for example. And when we say ‘physically intimidate’ we obviously mean ‘driving in a car punching her in the head until she escaped and then threatening her with a knife.

Because that’s what Suge Knight has been arrested for in Las Vegas. Or, as E! Online puts it:

The 43-year-old Knight had allegedly been punching his girlfriend of three years in the head while he was driving, per the incident report. The woman… grabbed the steering wheel in an attempt to escape, and the vehicle ran up against the curb, coming to a stop. She then managed to flee the car on foot with the burly Knight in pursuit. Just as he caught up to her and brandished a knife at her, officers arrived.

What’s more, a police search uncovered a stash of Ecstasy in Suge’s possession as well. It hasn’t been reported whether Suge Knight was under the influence of Ecstasy at the time, but it’d explain a lot if he was. After all, the drug Ecstasy is renowned for its violence-inducing properties, as explained in the 1988 techno hit I’ll Pull A Knife On You, You Bitch by Altern-8.

But anyway, at least this arrest might end up carving out a new career avenue for Suge Knight. Provided, of course, that VH-1 got our pitch for the reality TV show Celebrity Wifebeaters starring Suge, Vanilla Ice and Dennis Rodman, and featuring special guest star Bill Murray as the inexplicably violent next door neighbour Punchy McSexualaddiction.

Look, shut up – it couldn’t be as bad as Flavor Of Love, OK?

Honestly, look at Shia LaBeouf’s adorable little puppydog face – it’s as if a single drop of alcohol has never passed his lips. But apparently it has – early yesterday morning Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of DUI after he crashed his car in Hollywood.

Really though? Shia LaBeouf? DUI? There must be another explanation. Perhaps Shia was impaired on something other than alcohol, like Haribo or Um Bongo. And perhaps he only crashed his car because his adorable little legs couldn’t stretch all the way down to the pedals, the wubby little lamby wamb.

Admit it, when you look at Shia LaBeouf you just want to grab him by the cheeks, muss up his hair and give him a shiny sixpence to buy some bon bons with. This is because Shia LaBeouf couldn’t be any more adorable if he was made from kitten whiskers and angel breath.

Or is he? Because lately Shia LaBeouf has found himself getting into more and more trouble. Real trouble too, not the sort of imaginary 1950s schoolboy trouble that we keep assuming Shia gets into, like being clipped round the ear by a bobby for carrying a peashooter or being chased from the farm by Old Man McGee for scrumping apples from his orchard.

Instead Shia LaBeouf has committed the heinous crimes of using homophobic slurs on YouTube and smoking cigarettes and sort of standing around in a pharmacy when he wasn’t supposed to.

With a track record like that it’s only a matter of time before Shia LaBeouf does something really stupid, like get drunk and drive his car around until he cras… what? He’s already done that? On Sunday morning? Oh Shia, you adorably illegal scamp. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving early Sunday in Hollywood after he and two other people were hurt in a crash. Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputies said LaBeouf made a left turn and collided with an oncoming car about 2:30 a.m. at the intersection of La Brea and Fountain avenues. The actor’s Ford F-150 pickup truck rolled over in the crash.

Well, it’s certainly fortunate that nobody was seriously hur… what? Shia LaBeouf drives a pickup truck? A pickup truck? What for, to store all the logs that he chops down during a hard day’s acting? To transport all the manual labour equipment he needs to pretend to be Indiana Jones‘ little boy? Shia LaBeouf can’t even grow a beard properly, for crying out loud! What’s he doing bombing round in a titting pickup truck?

Anyway, back to our original point. It’s fortunate that nobody was seriously injured in the crash. If he’s charged with DUI, perhaps this incident will serve as a wake-up call for Shia to reign in his youthful excesses before he causes some serious damage.

But why did Shia LaBeouf drink-drive in the first place? He doesn’t seem as much of an irresponsible douchetard as Lindsay Lohan, and surely he can’t be filled with as much obvious self-loathing as Mel Gibson, can he?

Well maybe he can. That last Indiana Jones movie was pretty rubbish. We’d be drunk all the time if we were Shia LaBeouf, actually. But if only we could be as adorable…

But, in all of this possibly-illegal motherclown-beating kerfuffle, one question has stood out above all others – what makes a newly-minted megastar like Christian Bale start whaling on his mother and sister on the happiest day of his life?

Turns out the reason might be cash. According to reports today, Christian Bale kicked off after his sister asked him for £100,000 to help raise her three children. Frankly we’re disgusted – doesn’t Christian Bale know that all children have the right to receive occasional gifts of more than the average British annual working wage that their mother has managed to guilt out of their moviestar uncle? Shame on you, Mr Bale. Shame on you indeed.

One of the downsides to being famous is that your success tends to attract unwanted curiosity – people know that you’re loaded and they want to take a little slice of your cash for themselves.

When this happens the best thing you can do is to retreat into the bosom of your family. But if you’re Christian Bale, and it’s your family that’s doing the begging, well then you’re pretty much effed up the bum.

That’s apparently the reason for Christian Bale’s still-bemusing assault arrest this week. For the newcomers among you, Christian Bale was arrested on Tuesday on suspicion of assaulting his mother and sister right before the London premiere of The Dark Knight. He denies the charges and his family denies calling the police.

Since then, Christian Bale has been bailed and the assault has been described as a strong verbal attack, possibly combined with a mild push. At first the reason for this alleged attack was that Bale’s mother was slagging off his wife, but now The Sun has spoken to a source who claims that Christian Bale got a bit shirty when his sister Sharon asked for £100,000 to help raise her kids:

“Christian is a very wealthy young man and was asked to help his sister out financially. He was asked to loan her £100,000 but he refused and that caused an almighty row. During that row, the women claim, he assaulted them by pushing and shoving them… They are both devastated that it has come to this but want him to be taught a lesson.”

Yeah! Jesus, Christian Bale is such a bastard, isn’t he? He deserves to be taught a lesson – the lesson that you’re supposed to financially bail out any of your relatives who appear to be either greedy or living beyond their means whenever they want just because you’ve starred in a couple of films about a funny-voiced crimefighter in a gimp suit.

Sharon Bale could hardly ask any other members of her family for support, could she? Her mother’s a part-time clown – what kind of financial help could she possibly offer? Those kids need £100,000, not a shipment of abnormally large shoes and a tiny spluttering car that keeps falling apart!

Still, not to worry – even though Christian Bale chose not to help his nieces and nephews out, they’ll still get their cash one way or the other. Probably from all the royalties from their forthcoming memoirs I Wear Rags Because My Uncle Is Stingy And Allegedly A Bit Violent.

That is, unless you decide to go home and assault your mum and sister, as it was alleged Christian Bale had gone and done yesterday. That takes things a bit far, away from the Pacino not talking to people unless they address his character ’slight mentalness’ and well into the zone of ‘whoops he may well just be a bit odd in the head’.

But rejoice! For the Baler has bailed out of the cop shop pending further questioning!

Though that does mean he may go and strike again, if he did do anything in the first place. God knows the tabloids warn us of these repeat offenders in Gordon Brown’s Britain.

It must have been difficult for the police questioning Bale, what with his penchant for not revealing any personal information in interviews, ever. The fact that he makes a habit of staying in character – accents and all – beyond filming and throughout promotional tours may well have pushed the whole police grilling into the realms of farcical. You could say it was something of a Dark Knight for all involved.

Amid rampant speculation about how or why Bale may have attacked his family comes very little in the way of actual, concrete information. There has been speculation that he simply shouted at his mum after she said something about his wife. But Christian’s close relatives are keeping just as schtum as the Batman himself, so we are still in the dark.
This, of course, irritates us in the world of highbrow journalism at hecklerspray, as it means we don’t get to employ our nifty quote function. There is this though, a statement released by Bale’s lawyer Simon Smith – it works as an excuse to bring up those large quotation marks:

“Christian Bale attended a London police station today on a voluntary basis. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police.”

No charges have been made as of yet, and Bale has been ordered to return for further questioning in September. That gives him nearly two months to roam the streets. Maybe all that time spent working with Russell Crowe on 3:10 To Yuma wasn’t a complete waste after all, and Christian took away some fine life lessons on things like phone hurling and general fighting round the world.

We can only hope that the release of Terminator Salvation, which stars Bale, isn’t hampered by a similar incident of alleged assault. Who knows? We can say one thing for certain about the Baler – he really is unpredictable.