Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry!  Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.

So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we?  O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.

Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.

Here at hecklerspray, in a brand new feature, we hope to eradicate all that shame, and take Twitter back to the haven that it once was when it started all the way back when in 2006, when times were simpler, and Twitter looked like this.

We have taken it upon ourselves, and only us alone, (like that bit in The Matrix where they let Keanu Reeves have some lunch on a bench because he didn’t feel like chatting) to sort out this whole sorry mess, in a mature, selfless and all manner of sexy way, and single handedly try and solve every single  problem one of our HAPPYFACE-challenged celebrity friends have found themselves taking to Twitter for help this week.  Or about five or six or something. Come on.

GLADIATORS READY.

@Christine Bleakley: “How amazing were our celebs tonight. The best bunch ever xx”

Phew.

Hey Christine, welcome to hecklerspray!

Although this isn’t strictly a question, we think we see what you’re trying to say. You feel so overwhelmed by the plight of the celebrity subconscious that you are fearful you won’t live up to your standards. Like those press cars shrieking down that secluded French alley that brutally butchered the Princess of Wales: not with flying bits of metal and internal bleeding: But with curiosity. Yes, we totally understand. We get that too. We just don’t varnish or try and be happy. So, as you were saying, Christine. You’re really worried about dying. Well Christine, no one wants to die. But unfortunately, we all do – but never fear. In these waking moments before the inevitable strikes, we suggest spending time with loved ones, cancelling all your TV contracts if needs be, and just getting the most Christine Bleakley can get out of being Christine Bleakley.

If you’re curious now, we hear freezing to death is actually quite euphoric. Thanks for writing in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Ah, well that’s very good news, Julian. You clearly appreciate good cosmetics. Not all problems have to be bad. Thanks for checking in.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.“

Oh.

@thekeithchegwin: “What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?”

Hi there Keith.

We don’t know!

@thekeithchegwin: “Half of Essex“

Ah we see. Very amusing.

@SnoopDogg: “wat u on 2day? it’s #puffpuffpasstuesdays!!“

@Dane Bowers: “Why do people always point out miskeyed tweets or misspelling?! So what! Keys are pretty close together people! Bore off!!“

Dear Dane,

Come on, sport. It’s not like you to get all boiled up in such idle pedantry. Just think of what championed wordsmith Hunter S Thompson, or Dane Bowers might say! Oh wait – how embarassing. THAT’S YOU! Just remember, it’s important to keep face (Especially your lovely one with all that Dane Bowers molecular structure all over it. Phwoar.) at times like this. So somebody ‘miskeyed’. Big whoop. We’re sure even Queen Elizabeth or Stevie Wonder did once too.  Just remember, you always will be the one who wrote ‘Shut Up And Forget About It’ in 2009, Dane. That will never not be you.

“Hope your silicone bursts
You’ll never get signed
But I feel sorry for you
‘Cause your baby is blind”

@MissAmyChilds: “Really random bit I must be the only person that doesn’t like nandos x”

Hi Amy,

We have to say we were rather moved by this. It’s not every day you get a celebrity quite as upbeat and up for a laugh as yourself on Twitter these days. And considering you look mid-arterial embolism 80% of the time, it makes what you have had the guts to tell us here even more admirable.

So, feeling left out from the pack. Amy, this is unfortunately commonplace, especially for a girl with your particular choice of zany hue for a hair colour. First and foremost, the thing to know is this: It’s not your fault. Nandos does serve, admittedly, quite a lot of chicken. And hey, not everyone likes chicken. The key thing to remember is this does not make you a freakish bog-eyed ITV2 psychopath. It does not. Far from it. As for those people who say that all neutral flavoured things transgress back to tasting like chicken? Nought but lonely young boys with eating disorders whom’s nerves have been deadened by the lack of a motherly touch, pretending the air surrounding Robin Williams is actual food. So we’d say you have the edge on them at least, Amy.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Sorry Alex, we’re just not emotionally stable enough to deal with this right now.

@JulianClary: “Fortunately I’m sponsored by Mac.”

Oh GOD FINE. We’ll deal with the Alex Reid thing.

@Only1AlexReid: “Lying in bed with Mrs Bump in a hotel in Westminster completely done in from the 10k mud marathon followed by jiujitsu.Up early 4 DayBreak”

Dear Alex,

All of that is amazing and we know it must be hard having a baby with Chantelle Houghton. Especially with Beyonce and Jay Z copying your exact idea and then writing cruel songs about how Beyonce can’t have a miscarriage because she’s magic. As for all of the other things you mentioned. Well it’s fairly easy to decipher.

WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORG
WWW.SAMARITANS.ORGSIJSOISJPSOIKSO

Christ…

And there you have it, another week of celebrity mishaps all cleaned up. If you come across any lost souls, collecting their jars of hearts, tearing their love apart because they’re going to catch a cold from the ice inside their soul, then please do not hesitate to email in or leave a comment, and you could be saving a life too. Such as Michael Barrymore and his constant conquest to get in touch with Dara O’Briain. And remember, Dr Heckle is only licensed to deal with menial problems such as these. For emotional health and race hate, go to Dear Deidre.

Goodnight!

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Maths. That most hated of subjects for millions of schoolchildren every year. It’s truly evil. And last night, it proved that its terrifying evil grip extends beyond the classroom and into reality TV, as Lord Sugar found himself having to fire four people at once because somebody somewhere had forgotten to match the number of candidates to the number of weeks they’re on air.

You’d think that one of Lord Sugar’s minions can count, wouldn’t you? But it seems that millions of pounds can’t buy you competent staff or stop simple maths from cocking up your reality TV show.

And so Lord Sugar found himself with six children, and only two spaces in next week’s final. His solution to this problem? Popcorn.

Yes, the Dark Lord wanted his tiny little minions to come up with a new brand of popcorn. And then he was going to fire the entire losing team. And one person from the winning team, just because he felt like being really, really unfair. He said something about it being a first on the Apprentice which we assume was meant to make us go “oooh, how exciting!”

We didn’t.

After the rejig, Posh Harry and Other Harry found themselves working with Lizzie, whilst Zara, Irish James and Heya formed the other team. And then they were all irrationally dragged up to Leeds, presumably just so they could sit in the back of the car and whinge about whether or not they were there yet, and maybe give each other dead legs a few times.

Once safely in the hotel, it was time for the weekly battle for the position of Project Manager, which oddly became like the last election as Lizzie and Heya found themselves playing Nick Clegg and picking the winner. Strangely enough though, both of them steered clear of the posh idiots, and so Other Harry and Irish James became Project Manager. Which stomped on our Clegg-Cameron analogy quite nicely. Stupid children.

Posh Harry was inevitably deeply unhappy about not being appointed PM, and so decided to act like a spoiled brat. Just for a change. He came up with a dreadful idea to name their popcorn “Smoochies” and WOULD NOT SHUT UP about it.

Even after Lizzie and Other Harry had decided on American-style popcorn and called it Empire State, he still kept going on and on and on and on and then a bit more on about Smoochies. Apparently it had something to do with molesting people in the back row of the cinema. Which is something we NEVER want to think about Posh Harry doing.

Irish James & Co meanwhile had come up with a plan to sell Mediterranean popcorn. Unfortunately for them though, they suffered from a terminal lack of imagination and a complete misunderstanding of where the Mediterranean actually is, and so called their popcorn “La Popcorn”. Because obviously, popcorn with Italian flavours should have a French name.

The name wasn’t even the worst of their problems though, because it turned out that their feta and olive popcorn tasted like the rankest thing on earth. Everyone who tried it pulled faces so disgusted, that you’d think they were watching a girl defecate into a cup.

After the teams went off and did some disappointingly good pitches, it was time for the boardroom, where Irish James’s team and their cheesy popcorn surprised everyone by winning the task thanks to a gigantic order from Morrison’s. Evidently, their customers don’t own tastebuds, so it isn’t surprising at all really.

It was a business decision that seemed to completely cock up the Sith Lord’s plan though, as he found himself having to pretend that he was absolutely fine with having what was quite clearly the worse of the two teams through to the final. He gave the Harrys and Lizzie his card, and tried his best not to sob like a child when saying his overly emotional farewell to them. It was so overly emotional that he didn’t even tell them they were fired. THAT’S feeling for you. We know your secret, Sith Lord.

But maths wasn’t done playing its evil, horrible tricks on Lord Sugar just yet. No, he still had to ditch another child, so he called the winners back in to interrogate them about who was a bit shit.

The unanimous decision was that Heya was a bit hopeless, so she got sent home, leaving Zara and Posh James in the final. And Lord Sugar probably in need of some form of therapy. Or a maths tutor. Either would probably be fine.

Shopping. If there’s one thing teenage girls are meant to be good at, it’s that. Right? Well, apparently not. For last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar’s minions proved that particular stereotype spectacularly wrong.

The task they were set was simple enough; they just had to buy stuff. That’s it. Not buy stuff and sell it on, not buy stuff and brand it, not buy stuff and make an ad for it. No. Just buy stuff. Specifically, they had to buy 10 items for the waxwork figures at Madame Tussauds.

We’re not sure if the Sith Lord was intending to use the task to smash gender stereotypes, or if he’s just recruited a particularly useless bunch this year. Either way, they were utterly hopeless.

Before the children could fail at buying stuff though, there was the usual team rejig. Which now seemingly exists to try and get Posh Harry out of the competition, for he was moved over to be on a team with Lizzie, Hayley and Zara. Other Harry, Irish James and Heya meanwhile, formed their own little miniature team. Lord Sugar tried to use their original names, but frankly there’s been more swapping of members than even an average day in the Sugababes, so we’ve lost track of who’s meant to be who.

What we do know is this; Other Harry made the most pathetic attempt of all time to put himself forward for project manager. He said he’d be alright with giving it a shot but he didn’t know London, so maybe Heya should do it. AT LEAST A HUNDRED TIMES. Eventually, Heya said she’d do it if she really had to. And so began the most disorganised shopping trip of all time.

It turns out that Heya had no actual plan at all, just a vague list of places in London that she might’ve been once. She muttered some stuff about sort of knowing Camden, and then her team all got into taxis and just went off to try and look for things.

Heya stayed with Irish James – presumably to stop him from using his “negotiating skills” to tell people that they were utter cockmonkeys – and embarked on some ridiculous lying to try and get a cheap guitar. Apparently, at the tender age of 6, these children have already worked out that lying is the way to get to the top in corporate life. And so they went around guitar shops saying they needed one cheap for Heya’s brother’s birthday, the lying bastards. What would the Occupy London protesters say?

Unfortunately for Heya, once she’d tricked people into giving her a cheap guitar, it became apparent that she’d forgotten to actually work out who was looking for what. Or even what they were looking for. They’d been told to try and find a Dashiki, which they couldn’t even pronounce, let alone find. Other Harry took to roaming the streets of Shepherd’s Bush asking passing strangers if they knew what it was. Which they didn’t. Although maybe they did, and just didn’t fancy telling a besuited infant with a film crew in tow. Find it out the hard way, Other Harry!

Unbelievably enough, the other team actually did manage to find out what a Dashiki was, but were utterly shite at everything else. Project manager Lizzie decided that maybe some organization might be a good thing, and got her team to ring around before the set out. Which seemed like a good idea. Except it wasn’t.

Because it turns out that ringing around isn’t enough to stop two teenage girls ignoring all logic and reason and heading off to Croydon to try and buy a pocket watch. Croydon. That place which is best known for Kate Moss, Ikea, and being on fire. Sod all the jewelers of London, Hayley and Zara really fancied a nice little day trip and a £130 pocket watch. Who doesn’t?

Posh Harry, meanwhile, was busily ignoring everything everyone ever said, and was trying to buy a child’s suit in an adult’s tailor on Savile Row. It didn’t matter how many times Lizzie yelled at him to try a kid’s shop, he wasn’t having any of it. It’s almost like he can’t hear anyone whose household income is less than £250,000 per year. Which means even if he sees this, he won’t be able to understand it, so we can be as horrible about him as we like. The cockwhore.

Which is a good thing, because clearly everyone thinks he’s a total dickwad. Everyone, that is, except for Lizzie. After her team lost the task by spending a whacking great £500 more than the others and not even getting all the stuff, she decided to let Posh Harry go back to the house, and brought Zara and her pocketwatch and Hayley and her manners back into the boardroom with her.

After some debate about whether or not Zara is an evil, domineering bitch from hell, Hayley found herself sent home for being just too quiet. Which really, was missing the two most important lessons of this week’s show. Firstly, Zara really needs to find a new boardroom outfit. And secondly, it turns out shambolic disorganization IS the way to win at life. Which is great news all round.

The stench of Lynx. The smell that strips paint off walls and causes everyone’s eyes to water. It’s only ever been found to have one use, and that’s letting you know that a teenage boy is on his way.

Clearly though, it’s a market Lord Sugar wants to get in on, because this week he wanted his teenage oiks to create and brand a new deodorant. And to then make a TV ad for it. To tell them this, he inexplicably appeared on a giant screen at Wembley Stadium, which seems a bit ostentatious to us (small penis).

But then we were distracted by Lizzie’s incredible naked trousers, so maybe we simultaneously missed the point and became horrific would-be child-molesters.

Zara was made project manager of Atomic, which she claimed is a good thing because she loves film. Which we assume means that she spends a lot of time sat on the sofa watching High School Musical 2: The Electric Boogaloo.

Over at Kinetic, Posh Harry was made project manager. He was very, very keen to go for the female market and completely overruled the rest of the team. He then asked everyone else to come up with names and had a massive fight with Irish James, during which he just pointed out repeatedly that he’s project manager and failed to offer up anything useful at all. Not yet done with his crusade of idiocy, he then tried to come up with ideas for the ad and basically just described really bad pornos.

Typical teenager.

Gbemi and Lizzie went to the product designers, where they busily insulted Posh Harry for going on about “Big Bright Colours” and Lizzie remained blissfully unaware that she’s forgotten to put trousers on. After Posh Harry rang them and said some words, they made a horrible, ugly, 1990s can with a mirror on it. A mirror. On a deodorant can. Even Nick pointed out that it was spectacularly dated, but since these children can’t remember the 90s they didn’t seem to realise they’d gone wrong.

Atomic, meanwhile, were struggling with the revelation that the focus group hated their entire concept. This news came after poor Zara and her spangle-eyes had already drawn up half their storyboard, so they had to ditch the whole thing and start again with a breakdancer (the laziest shorthand in the advertising world, like graffiti, for something being ‘cool’).

Still, they were doing better than Kinetic, who hadn’t even grasped the concept of a storyboard. They just appeared at their ad shoot with no clue what they were actually doing, and Posh Harry and Irish James just wandered around a bit having a nice big fight. They eventually ended up with a girl in glasses doing an embarrassing dance. And they still didn’t have a concept, which was almost impressive.

In the boardroom the Sith Lord briefly had a go at Atomic for naming their deodorant “Raw”. Apparently he thought this might give really stupid people the impression that using it would strip all your underarm skin off and leave you with a nasty case of leprosy pit. This clearly had not occurred to any of the children, as they just sort of sat there and muttered some stuff.

Luckily for Atomic, though, Posh Harry had managed to lead his Kinetics to a whacking great defeat, and so it was they who found themselves back in the boardroom. After everyone pointed out that he was just about the worst project manager of all time, The Posh One took Gbemi and Irish James back in with him. There was a lot of pointing out that it might’ve been a good plan to have a concept. And that the can looked ridiculous. And that the ad didn’t really work, because they didn’t have a concept. And they did have an ugly can. In the end Gbemi got sent home because Lord Sugar was so unimpressed with their strange mirror-can.

And so, all that was left was for the surviving minions to return to the house, where everyone continued to be shocked and horrified at Posh Harry’s continued survival. They can’t even be bothered pretending to be nice to him anymore, so it’s probably an idea for Lord Sugar to hide the knives, just in case someone decides to hack up the Posh One in his sleep.

Because that would be a terrible shame. Obviously. And if you’re Posh Harry’s parents and you’re reading this, one question: Have you heard of condoms?

Just before last night’s Young Apprentice started, the BBC’s voice-over man promised us that it was like the Generation Game. He lied. It was absolutely nothing like the Generation Game. There were no cuddly toys, and no poor attempts at pottery, and definitely no Bruce Forsyth.

It turned out that he just meant that the teams had to try and sell things to the over-50s market, the lying bastard.

Before this week’s task started, Lord Sugar met his child-slaves at the Natural History Museum. They all thought they were doing something to do with old stuff, which was a joke that was dragged out for about 20 years. Really though, we were just amazed that the Dark Lord made them go all the way there and then didn’t let them even go see the animated T-Rex. Does he not realise he is dealing with CHILDREN? And that everyone loves the T-Rex?

Once Lord Sugar had finished really labouring the “old creatures” point, he smushed the teams around and sent Heya and Hayley over to Atomic. Where Heya became team leader purely because she’s spent some time with her gran. Over at Kinetic, James became team leader because he was a grumpy old toad.

If there was one thing that James didn’t want the potential suppliers to realise though, it was just how grumpy he is. So he instructed his team to be insanely cheerful at everyone, and tell all the suppliers that their products were fantastic. Which led to some cringe-inducing acting from team Kinetic, who pretended to love everything that crossed their path.

They could’ve been met with a genocide corpse harvester and they would have grinned inanely, talking about how innovative and wonderful it all was.

Team Atomic, meanwhile, was busily becoming a vehicle for Lewis to continue to make a complete tit of himself. Not content with leaving his phone on in last week’s pitch, he spent this week’s product meetings asking questions like “is this bag any good in the wind?” and then blithering on incoherently. And yet nobody tried to sew his mouth shut at any point, which really, was just cruel.

Heya’s excuse for her lack of mouth-sewing was that she was too busy declaring war on Posh Harry. He wanted them to sell an inflatable pillow, but Heya was determined to ignore everything he said and went for a pie maker and “designer trolley” instead.

Unluckily for her, Kinetic also wanted the trolley and since they weren’t dragging around a verbally incontinent scouser, the supplier decided to go with them. And so Atomic were left with the pie maker and a wanky bird box, whilst Kinetic had a mini-hoover and the oh-so-prized trolley.

And so, the teams went to some over 50s show to try and sell things to old people. Which was mostly unremarkable, except for the fact that Atomic couldn’t seem to decide on a price for any of their products. At all. The bird box was £100. And £125. And recommended to go at £150. And the pie maker? Depending on how much they liked the pensioner’s face it was £29.99, or £19.99, or £14.99.

Inevitably enough, this complete inability to decide on a price meant that Atomic lost the task. By about £300, which according to Lord Sugar was something of a massacre. And so Kinetic were sent off to the London eye to look at some magic tricks, whilst Heya dragged Hayley and Lewis back into the boardroom. Where Lewis truly excelled himself.

Not content with having asked a series of idiotic questions earlier in the process, Lewis promptly demonstrated a total lack of understanding of what the hell was going on and declared that he deserved to be fired. That is not how this works! You sit there and tell the Sith Lord that you are a thing of wonder and majesty and pin the blame on someone else, you fool! He should’ve said Hayley! She’s quiet! She’s a great victim! Or best of all, maybe he should’ve JUST STOPPED TALKING!

Alas, Lewis ignored both our advice and common sense, and so Lord Sugar sent him home. He spent the journey saying that he was happy and had done his best and it was his time. We’re not sure he even knows where he’d spent the previous few weeks.

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Young Apprentice. It’s a bit mean, isn’t it? Taking a bunch of kids away from their parents, turning them against each other, mocking them on national TV and then killing them off one by one. If hecklerspray had a heart, it’d break. But we don’t, so we just find it entertaining.

But last night, it looked like Lord Sugar had some level of guilt for destroying 12 young lives, as he started the day and the episode by sending some lovely flower to the house.

Unfortunately for the Apprentice Brats, he then remembered how irritating they were, and had to desperately backpedal. And so, the floristry task was born.

Yes, that’s right. The Dark Lord wanted a bunch of teenagers to make and sell flower arrangements, and as always, the team with the biggest profit wins. Since the boys have been a bit crap though, he had to reorganize the teams. So Posh Harry and Lewis found themselves joining the team formerly known as the girls’ team, whilst Lizzie, Haya and Hayley buggered off over to the boys. Which means we have to start using their dreadful team names; Kinetic and Atomic.

Sadly, we were denied one of the classic fights of each episode, as Lord Sugar had already picked his project managers. Hannah was leading Kinetic, and Lizzie was in charge of Atomic. We have no idea why he picked those two; presumably it’s because we’d really not noticed them before and he wanted to remind us that someone other than Posh Harry exists.

Thankfully, the Sith Sugar still made sure that the teams had a chance to make complete dicks of themselves by going to some pitches. Atomic sent Irish James and Other Harry, just because they’re boys and they had no interest in playing with flowers. Excellent casual sexism there, Young Apprentice, excellent casual sexism.

Unfortunately for Atomic, the boys turned out to have no idea what they were doing and pitched some kind of ridiculous “rainforest chic” idea to a swanky hairdressers. They were awarded one of the three contracts, and had to make nice flower arrangements for a ruby wedding anniversary. Except seemingly, nobody told them that, and they made rubbish flower arrangements fit for a child’s tea party and had to lower their price because they were just that crap.

Over at Kinetic, things seemed to be going rather better despite Lewis’s irrational insistence on attempting to ruin yet more pitches. Apparently trashing his team’s chances last week just wasn’t enough for him, and so he turned up with his phone still on and then had no idea how to turn it off. Despite this Zara and her spangly eyes succeeded in winning two out of the three pitches, and bringing in some money for the team.

And so we came to selling time. Kinetic provided a terrifying glimpse of the future as Zara and Posh Harry wandered around London delivering flowers and flirting at each other, and for a moment we thought we were going to be subjected to the world’s most obnoxious teenage couple. But then Posh Harry reverted to type and swanned off around West London with Gbemi and acted like a bit of a twat. Just for a change.

The rest of Kinetic meanwhile had decided to double their profit margin, because they thought that seemed like a good idea and presumably couldn’t be arsed with any more complicated maths. Atomic decided to be greedy and went with a triple profit margin, despite their flowers being a big dreadful. They all stood around at market stalls yelling at passing people about their flowers, whilst Nick and Karen scowled on. As always.

In the boardroom everyone was expecting Kinetic to win. Especially after Posh Harry succeeded in selling a flower that looked like a bouquet of dead hamsters to a bar for £150. But this being Young Apprentice, and the BBC being the sneaky editors that they are, it turned out that Atomic had actually won. By £12. Everyone was INCREDIBLY SHOCKED.

Kinetic’s team manager Hannah seemed to be so shocked that she lost all sense and reason and decided to bring her two most arrogant team members back into the boardroom with her. Even though Useless Lewis admitted that he was the worst one on the team. He actually took the blame for their failure, and still she spared him, the giant idiot. Hannah inevitably paid the ultimate price for her tactical error, as Lord Sugar fired her, and she got sent off in his swanky car, hopefully to some firing squad.

Back in the house everyone was incredibly upset by the possibility of Hannah leaving. But none more so that Useless Lewis, who stormed off when it became apparent that she’d been the one to go, thereby revealing why she’d saved him in the first place. They had a disgusting, youthful fancying thing going on! They wanted to stroke each other’s faces and tell each other they were so very good at business, the filthy young perverts!

Thank the Darth Sugar Lord that he had the sense to split them up before we got nasty Apprentice baby. Although come to think of it, Useless Lewis would doubtless have been too useless to work out where to put it, so we probably would’ve been safe from their spawn after all.

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Last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar evidently had second thoughts about putting a bunch of teenagers in a house together, and decided to scare them all into NEVER HAVING SEX.

No, he didn’t direct them all to lemonparty; he made them hang around lots of babies as they developed a product for the parent and baby market.

Luckily for Lord Sugar and the teenage pregnancy rates, none of the Apprentice Brats seemed to quite understand what babies were, or where they came from. Over with the girls, Gbemi put herself forward for project manager because she’s got a 9 year old sibling. Either her sibling has some serious problems, or she’s missed the point of babies.

The baffling lack or awareness didn’t end there, though. After the girls decided on a concept of “support and comfort” – which is apparently a cushion for the baby’s head, but really just sounds like a bra – the show became Britain’s Next Top Baby, as the teams tried to find a suitably cute baby to model their product. The girls completely misunderstood the basic concepts of genetics, and matched a white as snow baby with a black mother, which proved a source of total hilarity for Gbemi.

Spangle-eyed Zara, who’d been responsible for this shining example of utter idiocy, tried to pretend that she had decent reasoning for selecting a family that could never be a family, so asked Gbemi to shut the hell up. She was sure her logic would become obvious at the photo shoot, where she was going for a fresh, clean look on the photos. Which meant strong colours. Which highlighted the fact that the family did not fit in at all.

Over with the boys, they seemed to at least  grasp the concept of infants. Scouser Lewis made himself product manager, because he’s incredibly creative, apparently. He immediately announced that he’s got lots of ideas, but isn’t confident about them. Which was a good start. Irish James and Posh Harry got into some kind of ideas war, where they refused to acknowledge each other and kept just spouting rubbish. Not content with irritating each other, they went to John Lewis and threw ideas at an unsuspecting manager, before having a fight about whose ideas was whose.

But it turned out that Posh Harry wasn’t content with being obnoxious in the brainstorm and in a department store. No, he had to act like a public school cliché at every possible opportunity. And so at the product designer, he picked a fight about what the main point of their product was and refused to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

And so it came to the pitches, where both teams proved themselves to have incompetent product managers. Gbemi wanted to lead the pitches, even though she was spectacularly rubbish. So rubbish that at the end of her pitch John Lewis didn’t even know what the product did. Lewis at least managed to get the vague concept of his product across, but still succeeded in looking like a bumbling fool who had his notebook sewn to his hand. The only saving grace was that both of them had the sense to swap out for the final pitch, thus giving their teams some minuscule chance at actually getting some orders.

Flogging done, it was time for the teams to make total fools of themselves in front of the Dark Lord. Zara tried to explain the logic of picking the inexplicable baby, but Lord Sugar told her that it was a big mistake. Being as it looked ridiculous and all. It looked for all the world like the girls were going to lose after getting no orders from Gbemi’s pitch, but at the last moment Mothercare ordered 7,500 units and saved them all.

Which led to the inevitable boardroom battle. Lord Sugar attacked Lewis for insisting on pitching, even though he was obviously rubbish. Everyone told Posh Harry that he was a total bell-end, but he carried on being an obnoxious twat, so Lewis took him back into the boardroom. Along with someone called Ben, who we hadn’t even noticed before, but who seemed to wear far too much hair gel.

Ben announced that he had a relaxed approach to working, which is sure to win favour with the Sith Lord. Posh Harry told Lord Sugar that it was everyone else’s fault that he just kept crapping on, and if they’d just listened to him he wouldn’t have been such a little shit. Ben was the one who ended up getting fired, presumably because nobody even really knew he was there.

On the journey home, Ben said that Lord Sugar didn’t get to see the best of him. Which is a bit of an understatement. Lord Sugar didn’t get to see anything of him, except for his violently pink shirt, which we assume was the only thing to get Lord Sugar’s attention in the first place. The fool should’ve just gone with plain white. That way nobody would’ve noticed him, and he could have carried on until the end of the competition, like a creepy silent hair-gelled ghost.

Because that’s what every show needs. A ghost in hair gel.

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Here at hecklerspray, if there’s one thing we hate more than people, it’s teenagers. Horrible, obnoxious little peach fuzz adolescents who stomp around being all arrogant, irritating and smelling of Lynx Africa.

Strangely though, Lord Sugar doesn’t feel the same. In fact, he seems to love teenagers so much that he’s invited a bunch of them up to London to play dress-up and have a crack at being Real Adults.

Children, like Whitney Houston said, are the future. Lord Sugar agrees. What he clearly hasn’t realised is that if the future is going to be run by a bunch of hormonal twerps who would rather spend their precious youth wearing suits than drinking until they vomit in a hedge, then we’re all doomed.

Never one to let the imminent decline of the planet stop him, Lord Sugar has brought back Junior Apprentice. Which is exactly the same as normal Apprentice, just with more acne. He’s even putting all the candidates up in a swanky townhouse, as per Big Apprentice, once again showing incredible foresight. That’s not going to end in teenage pregnancy. Not at all.

Before the candidates had a chance to remove their suits and experiment sexually though, Lord Sugar called them in to meet him in the boardroom to tell them all he loved them. In a business-y way, of course. He also informed them that they shouldn’t try to pretend they know it all, because that would be embarrassing. An instruction that was promptly ignored by absolutely everyone.

Because this week, the tiny little idiots had to make and market their own range of frozen treats. Or ice-cream as the rest of the entire planet calls it.

The gits were split up into boys and girls and sent on their way to come up with as much profit as humanly possible. Because that would show our Lord who has their heads screwed on.

Unfortunately for Sith Sugar though, he seems to have recruited a bunch of blithering nincompoops. The boys managed to work out their profit margins, but decided to sell their stock ridiculously cheaply, apparently just because they felt like it. And so the tradition of ignoring instructions began.

The girls, meanwhile, proved to be a maths teacher’s worst nightmare despite Hayley’s proud boast that she has a GCSE in maths. They couldn’t manage to get their brains to work for long enough to even figure out their costs, so just made as much ice cream as they possibly could. And then ditched half of it, because they didn’t have anywhere near enough fruit. It truly was a masterclass in goonery.

We anticipate a hysterical editorial about the sliding standards of maths education in the Daily Mail any day now.

Where the girls did prove themselves though was in the art of sneaky selling. They set up their stall at Chessington World of Adventures, where Zara adopted a sales technique which basically consisted of handing ice creams to small children and then forcing their parents to pay up. One woman was particularly horrified at the thought of having to shell out nearly £4, but clearly unwilling to steal on national TV, paid up anyway. It was the work of evil genius.

The boys, unfortunately, had no such evil on their side. They’d inexplicably decided to give their ice cream a pirate theme, and so found themselves at Southend-on-Sea with James (Tory spin wanker in the making) dressed as a pirate, and Mohammed (so tiny he could live in a thimble) chasing people down the seafront informing them that they DEFINITELY WANTED SOME ICE CREAM. Project manager Harry H (blah) meanwhile decided to head down onto the beach and do some deliveries. Presumably so he wouldn’t have to spend any more time with his team.

In the boardroom, two things became immediately apparently.

Firstly, the boys had completely fucked themselves over by selling their ice-cream stupidly cheaply, and so they lost. And secondly, as well as having appalling taste in suits, Mohammed is entirely deluded. He believed he’d come up with all of the ideas and made all of the sales, and was generally fantastic at everything.

The truth of the matter is that he was entirely useless. But he was so very, very small. Small enough to lie lengthways inside a blue bottle’s lung. He obviously got fired, leaving Pirate James and his ridiculous blazer to annoy people for another week.

This is going to be gruesome.

Watch Young Apprentice On iPlayer if you missed it.

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Last night was the Apprentice final. The week where we get to finally find out who wins, and what they’re going to do with Lord Sugar’s money! But really, who cared who won? MARGARET WAS BACK. Everybody loves Margaret. Except maybe the Apprentice candidates, who had to face her wrath in their interviews.

It wasn’t just Margaret doing the interviewing though. No, Lord Sugar had brought in a team of four scary-looking people who were out to make the candidates cry, and scream, and maybe piss themselves. And so, we got to find out their rubbish business plans. And more importantly, their massive flaws. Because let’s be honest, they’re bound to be more crap than good.

Susan wanted to expand her existing business and make everyone pretty. Unfortunately though, she’s both a tax-dodger and a bit of an idiot. She had no idea what it takes to actually set up a company, or to get her products tested, or even that you’re meant to pay tax and national insurance, but she’d read about it on the internet. Apparently this means she’ll make £1m profit in her first year. Nobody seemed convinced, but her confidence remained unaffected.

HELEN WANTED TO ORGANISE EVERYONE. Her plan was to take all the rubbish little tasks off people’s hands and do them for them. But she doesn’t know anyone, and so wouldn’t be able to get anything done. And then Margaret pointed out that Helen had such a non-existent work-life balance that she might not even be a human. Which would make sense of her awesome winning streak. The woman’s a robot! HOW DID WE NOT CLOCK THIS EARLIER?

Tom, meanwhile, wanted to solve back pain with a chair. Which he forgot to mention in his business plan. He’d also made his numbers up, and forgotten to cost his chair. Well done, Tom. Strong showing all round.

After all this, we still didn’t know what Magic Jim is planning on doing. We just knew he’s a massive cliché, who’d had a meteoric rise from zero to hero. And when asked to talk about himself without clichés, he said that he’s ‘what it says on the tin’.  When they eventually got the idea out of him, it turned out he wanted to go into schools and brainwash children to be just like him. He wanted to call his business AmSmart, because he’s trying to seduce Lord Sugar through the power of money. Which is just a mental image hecklerspray could really, really do without.

After the interviews, it was back to the boardroom, where Susan was mocked extensively for her £4m turnover estimate. Tom and Helen meanwhile, both got a bollocking – Helen, for just being a great big disappointment, and Tom for adding to Lord Sugar’s health and safety nightmare. Jim stayed out of it and just carried on trying to seduce his way to the money. He even called Lord Sugar just plain “Sugar”.

It didn’t go down well with Lord Sugar though (thank God, because we don’t think we could have coped with that mental image on top of everything else), and so Jim was first to be fired. Susan was next to go, because Lord Sugar’s scared she’ll spend all his money attempting to professionalise her company without actually achieving anything. Which seemed a fair and valid point.

And so it came down to Tom and Helen. Really, what we all knew was that the two of them should go into business together, possibly get married, and take over the world with their incredibly inventive and organized children. Unfortunately, that wasn’t an option, and so Lord Sugar had to pick just one.

Before he could, Helen decided to make one final, desperate grasp for the money and announced she was actually going to start a chain of bakeries. Unfortunately for her, Tom’s oddly stalkerish tactics for getting his products into shops impressed Lord Sugar more, and so he was made Lord Sugar’s business partner. Finally. Despite losing everything.

And so, another year of the Apprentice has come to an end, and hecklerspray finds itself at a loss as to what to do on Wednesday nights from now on. We might take to wandering the streets throwing insults at people in a desperate attempt to fill the void in our lives. Or we might just start communicating exclusively via Amstrad E-M@iler. If we can find one, that is.

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This week’s Apprentice turned out to be Cultural Ignorance Week, which was a bit unexpected because everyone thought it was going to be interview week. The poor candidates got all dressed up for it – Magic Jim even put on a waistcoat – and then they realized they were actually going to have to launch fast food restaurants. Honestly, what a waste of an outfit.

For the first time in about a decade, Lord Sugar decided to keep everyone in the same teams. So that meant it was Tom and Helen against Jim, Natasha and Susan, who seemed to have an advantage. Not just because they had more people. They also had Natasha, who was very keen to point out that she’s got a BA (Hons) in Hospitality Management.

Unfortunately for her, nobody gave a shit, and so Magic Jim ended up project manager anyway.

And so, the cultural ignorance began. Tom and Helen managed to be entirely ignorant of their own culture, which takes a special kind of idiocy. They based their MyPy idea on the great British institution of pie and mash, which seemed a plan until they started coming up with the names of “great Britons”. At which point they decided to name a pie after that terribly well-know Brit, Christopher Columbus. It took Nick pulling a stupid face at them for them to realise he’s not 100% British, and even then they don’t quite seem to get it. Bless.

Jim and co. meanwhile, decided on a Mexican theme and inexplicably chose to name it after the capital of Venezula. Except they didn’t realise that. They thought that Caracas was a made up word. And then they put an apostrophe in there and turned it into Caraca’s, so that’s OK. Unfortunately they still decided to cling to old cultural stereotypes and filled the place with sombreros, but that was the least of their problems.

Because it turned out that Caraca’s weren’t just dabbling in some mild racism. They were also completely awful. Their food was cold, and looked like vomit, and took 25 years to arrive. Their test run customers weren’t impressed, Lord Sugar and his judges weren’t impressed, and their kitchen hand wasn’t impressed. And yet somehow, they all thought that it had gone well. That’s some industrial-strength delusion right there.

Unsurprisingly, MyPy won in a quiet and not massively entertaining kind of way. And so Jim, Natasha and Susan found themselves in a desperate scrabble for the final. Susan and Natasha both thought that Jim should go, because they’d decided that he’s the Apprentice’s very own Lord Voldemort and would eat their souls if he stayed, or something. But Jim wasn’t having any of that.

Ever the bullshit artist, Jim decided to turn his magic to Natasha’s seemingly ill-fated degree. You know, her BA (Hons) in Hospitality Management. During the course of which she refused to focus on food, because she didn’t like it. Lord Sugar didn’t seem to like her argument that she couldn’t be expected to know things about hospitality just because she had a degree in it, and seemed to accuse her of killing people. Or maybe we misunderstood. He was saying something about first aid, anyway, which might be the same as hospitality. Or at least is what you’re likely to need after eating this lot’s food.

Anyway, Natasha ended up getting fired, mostly because she didn’t pay attention during her degree. That sent Jim and Susan through to join Tom and Helen in the final, but they weren’t done with insulting each other yet. No, they still had to tear each other to shreds in the taxi. Not literally, unfortunately. That would’ve made some truly great TV.

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Last night saw the Apprentice candidates plumb new depths of idiocy. Lord Sugar literally told them what to do, and they still managed to cock it up. Spectacularly. Apparently having someone explaining everything to you step-by-step isn’t enough for this bunch of imbeciles.

Their task was simple; sell a load of crap, reinvest in the most successful crap, and then sell some more of it.

Somehow, this was too complex a concept for any of them to grasp, with the exception of Magic Jim. And, shockingly, Tom and Susan. Seems there might be some truth to that crap about the meek inheriting the earth, although for our own sake hecklerspray hopes not.

Anyway, there was one question which had everyone’s attention (well, maybe three peoples’ attention). Can Helen ever actually lose? It seemed impossible, but then she got stuck with Melody, who, shockingly enough, had absolutely no idea what was going on. The two of them ended up trawling around pound shops in the East End, trying to sell them £50 watches, before becoming fixated on selling duvets to one shop. Apparently it hadn’t occurred to them that these places already had wholesalers.

Tom, meanwhile, was down on the Southbank, selling nodding dogs to tiny little children. He tried to tell Melody that they should buy more of them – after all, Lord Sugar had repeatedly told him to “smell what sells” and then get more – but Melody wasn’t having any of it. Instead, she inexplicably bough a crapload of weird electrical items. Nobody seemed quite sure why.

Over at Venture, Natasha hadn’t grasped the task either. She refused to reinvest, because she’s an idiot. Luckily for her though, she had Susan and her tacky jewellery, and Magic Jim, who is a selling genius. And he’s not afraid to pimp himself out. He offered hugs and kisses free with his goods. He even got his nemesis Nick to say he quite liked him. After a few quiet weeks, it seems that the magic is back!

In the boardroom, Lord Sugar couldn’t understand how Natasha ENTIRELY MISSED THE POINT of the task, even after he’d told it to her. He was so angry that he fined them £100, but unfortunately stopped short of giving her a smack about the head with a mallet. Thanks to the Magic of Jim though, they still managed to get through, but they weren’t given a treat. Natasha then tried to blame it on Susan, whilst Jim just sat there. We anticipate bitching. And sniping. And then a bit more bitching.

So that means the impossible happened – Helen lost. Lord Sugar heard about Helen’s attempt to steal the project manager job from Melody, and wanted to know what she would have done. Her plan would have been to try and get massive orders from retailers and to ignore the general public, so she completely missed the point of the task as well. Can any of them follow simple instructions? It appears not.

Before making his final decision, Lord Sugar gave everyone one last chance to redeem themselves. Melody tried to justify herself by pointing out that she was in the Queen’s Speech or something, whilst Helen just tried to point out that she’d won every task. All Tom had to offer was the fact that he still has a huge amount to show Lord Sugar, which sounded a bit dirty. Disturbingly, hecklerspray quite liked it.

In the end, Lord Sugar seemed to be at a bit of a loss on who to fire. Eventually though, he got round to firing Melody and her epic eyeliner, mostly because she’s too gobby to be in a boardroom with him. We’re sure the Dalai Lama will be glad to have her back.

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Last night on the Apprentice it was all-out war. About biscuits. Yes, that’s right, those little snacks that you dunk in your cup of tea were enough to inspire vitriolic hatred of hecklerspray proportions. We’re almost proud.

It turns out that biscuits are a very serious thing. So serious that Lord Sugar felt the need to interrupt a nice Sunday evening at the Apprentice house to make an ominous entrance and demand that his minions make him shiny new biscuits to pitch to some supermarkets. Of course, he had to reorganise said minions first, so Helen, Jim and Natasha became Venture, whilst Zoe, Susan, Melody and Tom formed Logic.

And then the fighting began.

Project Manager Helen booted Magic Jim off to Wales to come up with their biscuit. He decided that what the world needs more of is hyperactive children, so produced a sickly-sweet flapjack with a whacking great chocolate star on it. Apparently, it was an after school treat that was for any time, which perplexed Natasha. She spent large chunks of the show claiming that their biscuit had the power to alter time and make after school any time (yep, she lost us too), whilst Helen and Jim just told her repeatedly to shut up.

That wasn’t the real warfare though.

No, the apocalyptic battle was over at Logic, where Melody and Zoe spent most of the show just about managing not to claw at each other’s faces. It all started at the factory, where Zoe dispatched Melody and Tom. Melody wanted to make biscuits the new popcorn – which as far as hecklerspray could tell meant making biscuits which look like a massive shit covered in some undigested marshmallows – but the focus group weren’t having any of it. So she switched to heart-shaped biscuits. Which Zoe hated.

Zoe, it turns out, is allergic to the concept of a target market. The heart biscuit would have had too obvious a niche, and she wanted to make a biscuit for the masses. And so Zoe sided with Tom and his weird biscuit within a biscuit which is sort of covered in chocolate and which you can definitely share, leaving Melody whinging “I don’t like it” down the phone line at her. Zoe obviously didn’t care, because she apparently couldn’t give a shiny shit about Melody.

But that was just the beginning of the battle. Yes, the nuclear apocalypse was yet to come, and it happened in a south London branch of Asda, of all places. Still determined to not have any kind of target market, Zoe instead launched herself at Melody, causing a giant row right by the flowers. Right before their pitch. Where they then proceeded to act out some strange role-play where they were best friends having the magical sharing biscuit.

Once again though, the true magic was with Jim. He was planning to use his skills to create an insanely expensive advertising campaign for their after school anytime Shooting Star biscuit, and wanted to tie-in with Harry Potter. Apparently you have to go big, or go home.

Luckily for Jim, his magic seemed to pay off. Asda put in an order for 800,000 units, completely destroying Zoe who got a resounding zero orders from three different supermarkets. The win meant that project manager Helen is still yet to lose a task. She’s clearly amazing. They may as well just give her the money now.

Of course, they won’t be doing that, because there’s still some reality TV to be dragged out of the carcasses of this lot’s dignity. And so, in the boardroom, Zoe launched into another battle with Melody, because apparently she hadn’t quite got it out of her system in Asda. Apparently she had no personal problems with Melody. Nobody believed her.

And so, it came to the inevitable firing. Lord Sugar led us briefly to believe that “hindsight man” Tom was going to be the one to go, but in the end he got rid of Major General Zoe. Outside the boardroom, Melody walked straight past her without even saying goodbye. That’s the kind of hatred hecklerspray likes to see.

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Last night The Apprentice dabbled in poor Franglais and mildly racist yet entirely subconscious accents. Yes, Lord Sugar sent his minions to Paris to sell their crap to the French. He wants international business people, you see, as you can’t take over the world if your company’s only in the UK.

Unfortunately for everyone else, Melody was the only one who could actually speak French, setting in motion her plan for world domination. She’s like The Brain, but with better eyeliner. And Leon was her (slightly more attractive) Pinky.

Before Melody could get cracking with taking over everything though, Lord Sugar needed to rejig the teams. Helen got booted over to Venture, where Susan put herself forward for project manager, despite seemingly having no idea what France even is. That was OK though, because she got to play with fun little products, like the kiddy’s chair and the kiddy backpack. She clearly missed it when Lord Sugar told her to act like a “Big Person” at the end of last week.

Over at Logic, Melody was being big enough for everyone. Tom wanted to sell the much coveted children’s backpack (apparently it turned into a booster seat or something. hecklerspray wasn’t really listening, because if there’s one thing we hate more than people in general it’s children) but Melody was having none of it.   She and Leon had been sent ahead to Paris to do some market research whilst Tom and Natasha stayed back in London to pick the product.

Unfortunately for Tom though, Melody’s version of market research seemed to be to just make things up. According to her, nobody drives in Paris and so those massive traffic jams are the result of evil cars getting too smart for their own good and just planting themselves in the middle of the road. It’s not really what anyone said to her, but it was her story and she was sticking to it. She could get away with this devilish plan because Leon’s complete lack of linguistic skill meant he had no clue what was going on at any point in time and so just stood there drawing some pretty pictures and smiling awkwardly.

Not content with forcing Tom to sell a stupid teapot light and some weird postcard with added cress, Melody then refused to hand over any appointments to anyone else and just went to them all herself. Tom and Natasha were reduced to phoning strangers and asking to speak to the postcard manager, whilst Leon just stood around looking pretty. For a change.

Back at Venture, meanwhile, Susan’s idea of a great pitch to a massive company was to sit on a booster seat and go “look how small I am!”. Thankfully for her, Helen was there to completely ignore her and bash ahead, netting the team over £200,000 of orders for the weird kiddy chair. The woman might actually be a genius.

Having been comprehensively shat on from a great height by Venture, Tom inevitably elected to bring both Pinky and the Brain back into the boardroom with him, where everyone ignored the fact that Brain-y Melody attempted to ruin the task single-handedly. Leon insisted he was at a disadvantage because he couldn’t speak the language, thereby completely ignoring the fact that everyone else was speaking English the entire time. Tom, meanwhile, tried to cover the fact he sold absolutely nothing by telling Lord Sugar he’s going to be bigger than Dyson.

And Melody?   Well, Melody’s an award-winning genius, don’t you know? She’s even Woman of the Future, which means we’re in for a terrifying time of odd beverage-themed lighting and huge eyeliner.  At the end of it all, Leon got fired for having done nothing but drawing pretty pictures, and some standing about.  Because it turned out that, Lord Sugar liked Melody’s hunger, so she got to stay. Despite being a megalomaniacal monster who is hell-bent on the destruction of the human race.   So a bit like hecklerspray then.

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Last night’s Apprentice was the filthiest yet. It turns out that Natasha wants everyone to blow their loads, which frankly is a mental image that hecklerspray could do without. Especially the image of Tom. He looks like he’d probably cry, and nobody ever needs to see that. We might need therapy just to get over the thought of it. Lots and lots of therapy.

Thankfully the filth wasn’t just there to disturb us. No, it was filth in the name of publishing. And we don’t mean the stuff that’s hidden on the top shelf. We mean the free magazines that annoying people shove in your face on the way to work in the morning, which are apparently called “freemium” magazines. That’s a horrible term though, so we won’t be using it ever again.

Before he let the contestants loose on the publishing world though, Lord Sugar had to make a scary entrance and re-jig the teams again. Jim got moved over to Venture, whilst Leon took over his spot at Logic. It seemed a pointless move, but then Lord Sugar announced from his ominous looming spot that he wanted Natasha and Jim to be project managers. Which is where the filth came in.

For Natasha, it seems, is a complete filth merchant. Seriously, the girl’s disgusting. If she were a Hollywood starlet we’d be faced with photos of her unmentionables on an almost daily basis, and she’d absolutely love it. But thankfully, so far her filth is contained to the pages of her little lad’s mag, which she was hell-bent on publishing.

In her endless quest for smut she managed to ignore her team, her focus group, and even the title of her own magazine. They were all pointing towards a more “high-brow” lad’s mag experience with a bit of a business focus, but that would’ve got in the way of the tits. And so, Logic ended up with a magazine called “Covered” with a scantily-clad woman on the cover, and a feature about how people “blow their load”. Which managed to embarrass the entire male population of London during the on-street interviews. Natasha claims she’s talking about spending money, but we know she lies.

Over at Venture, Nick declared war on Magic Jim. Apparently trying to nail anything on Jim is like “trying to nail jelly to a wall”, because he’s just so bloody charming he makes everyone else agree with him. And it seems Nick might be right. Jim made them all agree they should launch a magazine aimed at over 60s. He convinced them all that they should produce a really boring and condescending magazine even though that’s exactly what their focus group told them not to do. He even talked everyone into going with Zoe’s appalling name “Hip Replacement”, despite the fact it was obviously going to alienate everyone. It may as well have been called ‘Oxygen Thieves’ or ‘Just Die Already. You may think that’s far fetched, but ‘Coffin Dodgers’ was a genuine suggestion for this tawdry freebie.

It turned out though, that alienating readers was the least of Venture’s troubles, because they still had the advertising pitches to worry about. For all his magic, Jim just couldn’t grasp the concept of negotiation, and so swung wildly from refusing to negotiate at all to slashing his advertising rates in half. Meanwhile Natasha couldn’t stay away from the filth long enough to allow Leon to finish his pitch, but that didn’t seem to matter since apparently their concept was SO 1995, darling.

Despite having fallen into some smut-coated time warp, Logic ended up on top (we’re sorry. We had to) after one agency bought up all the ad space in their entire publication, thus setting up the biggest boardroom battle yet.

We’re not talking about Jim and Glenn both turning on Susan (which they did, but with that tiny meeping voice, that’s to be expected). No. We’re talking about Nick’s deep-seated and passionate hatred of Magic Jim. He’s picked up on the magic, you see, and he’s not at all happy about it. And he seemed really pissed off about Jim running an article in his magazine which teaches over 60s how to use the phone. And he hates the way Jim covers his arse. Really, he just seems to want him dead.

Unfortunately for Nick though, Lord Sugar decided to give Jim another chance, and fired Glenn instead. Which seemed to be just because Glenn is an engineer, and apparently they’re shit at business.

What we’re really looking forward to though, is finding out what Susan does with the advice that she needs to be a Big Person. We’re really hoping this means she’ll spend all of next week’s task on stilts, and maybe in a sumo suit. She won’t get much bigger than that.

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