Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

A source close to Jolie, no longer a weirdo, has revealed that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can’t wait to play mom again.

The source says:

“She’s almost three months along. It’s not something she wants to officially announce but she’s at a point where she is telling a select group of people.”

Regrettably, one of the select few has gone and blabbed to a motormouth and they’ve told us, who can’t keep a secret to save our lives (apart from those secrets we have which have injunctions on them, which is really, really irritating).

Adds an insider:

“Angelina is really savoring every moment. she’s having a tough time with morning sickness but says it’s all worth it.”

Apparently, Ange has said this as well, though christ knows when and where:

“I love being pregnant. You feel like more like a woman than you’ve ever felt. You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

There you have it folks! Want to feel like a woman? Don’t listen to Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’, but rather, adopt a parasite.

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

However, you may be correct as even Jolie knows that one day her children will want to live in one place and she can’t bear the thought of leaving one behind.

That’s right. SHE’D STILL BUGGER OFF ON HER ADVENTURES, WITHOUT OR WITHOUT THE FREE THINKING INGRATE.

She stopped doodling in blood on her wedding dress long enough to say:

“Right now they love it. If we’re in the same place for two months they wanna know why we’re not getting on an airplane. They really love to travel….Beacuse they’re such a big travelling pack….it’s not one child moving around the world and missing friends, there’s so many of them they have constant play dates and are always together…

“But I’m sure they’re gonna say: ‘Mum, let me stay home’ and when that happens I’m gonna cry…I don’t want to settle, I love travelling, but we’ll see.

We’re sure they’re going to say:

“HOLY FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MUM!, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH UNCLE JAMES???”

She joked:

“They’ll probably end up living all around the world and my old age will be Brad and I travelling, trying to visit all our grandchildren in random countries.”

Brad was not available for comment, except to say that Jennifer Aniston is boring.

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Well, it appears that the feuding pair have called a truce and now, Angelina and Jane Pitt are acting like adults. Nice adults. Not those fighting adults.

Six long years these tits have been at it!

Why? Well, Jane, reportedly criticised Angelina’s mothering skills when she threw some kind of dreary children’s party for those babies they stole from some undernourished country. That ‘degenerated into a bitter showdown’.

Sources told NOW magazine:

“Ever since Brad got together with Angie, her poor relationship with his mom has been hanging over them like a dark cloud.”

They continued:

“Jane adored Jen and was devastated when Brad left her for Ange. It didn’t help that Ange’s attitude was pretty much: ‘Hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care. I am who I am – just deal with it.’ “

You can picture her saying it can’t you? Puce faced, tight-lipped sneering mother glaring at faux-sass indignant Hollywood bozo stood beside a greying Brad Pitt who wishes they’d both just piss off.

At least they’re all playing nice though, eh?

BUT NO-ONE CARES! EVEN US WHO ARE WRITING THIS GODAWFUL ARTICLE. WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE US FOR WASTING YOUR STINKING TIME?

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Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

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Angelina Jolie is quite often at the front of charitable causes, giving us the plead-eye so we give our scant pennies to whatever plight she’s decided to pose before. It’s all very fulfilling being Brad Pitt’s other half.

And while she works for the UN and pouts at starving children, she also likes to blow loads of money on tat.

While visiting a shop in London, the actress forked out £1,300 in 15 minutes. Probably on clothes made by infant hands in sweatshops.

All the suffering and hurt in the world weighed heavy on her shoulders as she quickly flicked through the racks, splashing out a admin monkey’s monthly wage on a number of pieces, including a mustard camisole, whatever the shit that is.

As well as worrying about the poor and needy, she was flanked by her stolen children, a bodyguard and personal assistant to help her carry the bags to her expensive car.

How wretched Jolie’s existence is.

And she’s not getting married. Nosiree. Jolie told Vanity Fair this week that she was not planning a secret wedding or anything like that, adding:

‘I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting at the moment.’

She’s far too busy acting like Bono for any of that nonsense.

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In further evidence that the world has entirely lost it’s mind, the actress Angelina Jolie – who plays make-believe for a living – was last night awarded the Heart of Sarajevo purportedly for her “active engagement in the complexities of the real world”.

As the Cyborg 2 star tearfully accepted the award, the rest of the world was reminded of the moment the satirist Tom Lehrer resigned after Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize at the height of the Vietnam War, claiming that satire had just become obsolete.

Applauding Hollywood’s most high-profile blood-vial wearing nut-job for her grasp of “the complexities of the real world” is like applauding a toddler for its grasp of the complexities of nuclear fission. Her own father claimed she had “serious mental problems” for God’s sake.

The Kung Fu Panda star attended her first wedding in black rubber pants and a white T-shirt, upon which she had written the groom’s name in her blood, claimed she almost hired a hitman to kill him, and was sectioned for three days at UCLA’s psychiatric ward shortly before marrying Billy Bob Thornton.

BILLY BOB THORNTON.

If the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow star lived round our estate she’d rightly be a social pariah, not have people queuing up to pin awards on her crazy-ass self.

Anyway, apparently she’s made some film about how it’s, like, a bit grim and that in Bosnia, and they’re all chuffed about it. Which is news to the rest of the world who – prior to Jolie’s selfless intervention – thought that the whole country was like a sort of giant Center Parcs or something.

We’re with Tom Lehrer on this one.

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Initially, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren’t bothering to get married because… well… it is a completely redundant institution for those who are petrified of being lonely, compelled to contractually oblige someone to stay with them, rather than, y’know, continue to make an effort.

That and they didn’t want to get married while there were gays in the world that weren’t being afforded the opportunity.

Then, the press then decided that they Brangelina were actually going to tie the knot, despite no indication from either of them. And just as suddenly, the press have decided that the whole thing is off… THANKS TO SOME HARRIDAN MYSTERY WOMAN AND BRADLEY PITT’S WANDERING LUST-EYE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON.

The angle on this tattle is this: Angelina Jolie is going mental with jealous rage because Brad Pitt has started to let his penis wander, like some kind of sex dowsing rod. Ergo, now Jolie knows just how Jennifer Aniston felt.

After six years together, with the seven year itch imminent, Pitt has apparently got some sort of relationship with another woman! A woman he works with! Because men and women find it physically impossible to avoid having sex with each other once they’ve struck up some kind of friendship! RIGHT?

There’s even photographs of Brad with a young, brunette female human, enjoying her company. It might as well be a close-up of him entering her.

And now, concerned insiders are winding everyone up by spouting off that Angie’s jealous rages are started to push Hollywood’s Brad Pitt away.

A source, clearly full of shit, says:

“Brad resents that Angelina is trying to control him. He told Angelina outright, ‘I’ve always had women friends, I’m always going to have women friends. End of story.’ ”

Naturally, Pitt loves the fact that Jolie is insane with overbearing rage.

“Of course, there’s a part of him — even though he would never admit it — that likes it. Angelina is usually this cool, unaffected, kind of untouchable woman, and when she shows some jealousy, it lets him know she has a weak spot — and that, obviously, she’s crazy about him.”

But. But. He is sticking his thingy up the mystery woman’s doo-dah, right? She’s not being jealous, she’s just found him out, right? That’s the story here isn’t it? The moral is that we shouldn’t ever trust other humans because, essentially, they’re all depraved liars who are hellbent on causing as much heartache as possible… that’s the vibe here isn’t it?

No?

What’s going on then? Surely people wouldn’t just assume a bunch of stuff in the name of getting a load of internet traffic?

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Because America is only about 4 years old compared to the rest of the world, it has to pin its dreams on daft things. They don’t have a royal family, so they obsess over various Kennedy family member and celebrities.

Concerning the latter, celebrity weddings are the closest thing they have to experiencing the collective thrill/antipathy of a Royal Wedding.

And now, America’s first couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – are going to get married, which will be met with a whole range of emotions, starting at ‘boredom’ and ending at ‘anger’. ‘Vaguely pleased because they might be nice people for all we know’ probably makes an appearance somewhere in the middle.

After a whole six years together, where they adopted a child per year and force fed us all a stream of bile smelling charity, Brangelina/Jitt are going to tie the knot. Which knot we don’t know. We’re not allowed to go to weddings so we assume a vicar ties the bride and groom’s fingers together in some stupid, agonising religious ritual.

Apparently, this glamorous and irritatingly likeable pair will be saying “I do” in the renovated Chateau Miraval in Correns, France, which is nice if you’re getting an invite. For those of us who aren’t, we’ll just have to choose between of seething envy or blind, pie-eyed reflected glee.

As is par for the course these days, ultra famous celebs don’t want super lavish bashes (not like in the past. Pitt has already had a million dollar nuptials when he snared Jennifer Aniston) and will be having a wedding that will be “intimate and informal”, according to a completely unreliable insider.

They’ll probably get married on the moon now that’s been said, just to irritate us all.

This is something of a turnaround though. The pair have resisted getting married until it became legal for everyone, be they gay or straight… it seems they couldn’t care less about the gays now.

The monsters.

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A man! A man has tried to kill himself! His life has become so unbearably bleak that he stared into the pit of misery and felt compelled to end it, seeing his precious, fragile life as so worthless that it was no longer required to continue, aiming to snuff it out like a flickering flame.

Of course, because the man in question is actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers, we must see this as a titillating and ultimately amusing thing. No sympathy here. No-one wants us to be sympathetic.

And so, hilariously, Rhys Meyers was rushed to hospital by ambulance after his suicide attempt, which we’ll now pass off as a dreadful example of attention seeking. After seeing him act, we can’t possibly believe that he meant it. Have you seen Velvet Goldmine? Exactly.

Meyers, who you may recognise from his stint as boorish Henry VIII in the arousal-killing series The Tudors, is understood to have gobbled handfuls of pills at his very nice £3million home in west London. We have to mention the price of his house so you can either surmise that he was either rattling around the manifestation of his success like a lonely nutjob or, indeed, sneer because someone with that much money can’t possibly have problems big enough to warrant a suicide attempt.

But Johnno does have problems y’know? He’s long battled a drink problem, presumably brought about by the fact that he knows full well what a terrible, terrible actor he is. We can sympathise. We also fell into a job which we’re not very good at and, as such, are constantly staring self-inflicted death in the face as we wait for readers to call bullshit on our careers, which of course, will tip us over the edge or, at best, see us feigning suicide in an attempt to stave off criticisms with a sympathy vote.

Alas, what we don’t have is lots of money like Rhys Meyers, who just so happened to check into a five-star rehabilitation centre in South Africa not too long ago. It was his fifth stint in a rehab, which is clearly not working for him.

Just like his acting ability.

Scotland Yard today confirmed:

‘Officers were called by London Ambulance Service to a residential address following reports of man refusing treatment. ‘

One of the officers probably considered leaving him to die after remembering the woeful Bend It Like Beckham which JRM starred in before reluctantly remembering his duties.

So there you have it. Suicide. It’s funny isn’t it?

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We’re going to start this off by dragging your collective minds out of the gutter… we mean the lips on her face. Anyone who thought different will be made to sit and write 1,000 lines, with an also-ostracised Editor Mof Gimmers.

Explaining why her breasts were cast to offset the bombastic and yet somehow monotonous and threadbare work of Michael Bay, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has spoken about the facial features that got her bullied in secondary school.

It’s going to be a long summer filled with less-than-special effects and poorly-implemented 3D that’s going to make you whimper for something lower tech. A few of this season’s films look especially ropey on the old effects there; The Green Lantern and Captain America among the worst. As not even boys can suffer through 120 minutes of explosions, all of these films are going to have bonus boobs. Boobs, attached to some pretty-but-interchangeable woman, who’s onscreen intermittently to remind you there is a God.

In this case, those boobs belong to Rosie. She replaces an angry Megan Fox who left to join the Spice Girls, or something, according to an annoyed-sounding Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, did we not mention, Rosie was cast in Transformers: Dark Of The Moon because she’s comfortable larking about in her skivvies. Speaking about Megan’s departure, Shia told a newspaper that

‘Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Megan] never got comfortable with it… Rosie comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different.’

Boobs. We actually weren’t kidding about that.

The model seems passable at worst in the trailer. But she’s doing herself no favours in her interviews. Not that it’s her fault, but time and time again she’s asked about her famous pout. Speaking to Maxim, Rosie admits her lips have magical powers. Which, of course, means she’s a witch and should be burned at the stake.

‘The rest of my body requires a lot of upkeep, but the lips are one thing I don’t have to work on. They’re funny, because they change colour with my mood. They get really, really red when I’m angry or passionate, and pale when I’m miserable or tired. But I suppose everyone else’s do too. They have a life of their own. they get me in trouble. You know mood rings? I’ve got mood lips.’

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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You there. You probably fancy Brad Pitt. You probably fancy Angelina Jolie as well. There’s laws written which mean that everyone must lust after one of them at some point in your pathetic excuse for a life, or else risk the punishment of certain death.

And now, we’re about to have our collective nose rubbed in the aggregate goo as it appears that this impossibly glamorous pair are going to wedding one off all over each other.

You can buy a hat, but there’s absolutely no chance of you being invited, unless Sir Elton John is reading this, in which case, bring us back some cake wrapped in a cheap napkin please or we’ll have to tell everyone that awful, awful secret of yours.

It would seem that Brangelina (or Jitt, if you prefer) are thinking about tying the knot (which knot? We’ve yet to see a knot at a wedding! Unless it means the knot in the stomach of attending mistresses and ex-lovers still hung-up on the bride or groom).

Why? Something to do with their stupid children probably (called Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox, sounding like a range of lifestyle electrical goods).

Brad says, seemingly unrelated initially:

“There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.’ They go, ‘Eww, gross!’ But we demand it.”

Does that sound like a euphemism for ‘Hey, kids! Don’t come knockin’ as the bed’s about to be rockin” to anyone else? If that’s the case, they’re going to have some delightfully warped children.

On marriage, Pitt and Jolie have said that they wouldn’t marry until gay people could do so legally… however…

“The kids ask about marriage. It’s meaning more and more to them. So it’s something we’ve got to look at.”

Or, y’know, just do what every father should do and thrash them with a belt and send them to bed for even daring to talk without raising their hand first.

Just us?

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Oooh! Brad Pitt! He’s got a well-made face hasn’t he? Remember when he had his top off in Fight Club?! That was good acting wasn’t it? Yeah, everyone loves Brad Pitt. Women want to be him, men want to kiss him on the ear!

But what do we know about Pitt? Well, we know that he’s shacked-up with Angelina Jolie, who is universally accepted as the most beautiful woman on Earth (for some reason) and together, they’ve amassed quite a collection of children. Um. And that’s it.

So what about God? Does Brad Pitt believe in God? We need to know because we’re not going to carry around the guilt, worry and odd views on contraception and homosexuals until we know if Brad Pitt thinks that it’s okay. So come on Brad! TELL US ABOUT JESUS OR ALIENS OR BUDDHA OR WHATEVER THE SAM HELL YOU BELIEVE IN!

Well, it would appear that Pitt doesn’t want to say too much because… well… that would make him edge dangerously close to being interesting.

Speaking with his mouth-hole at the thesp-junket, the Cannes Film Festival, he said:

“I got brought up being told things were God’s way, and when things didn’t work out it was called God’s plan.”

Okay, so far, so exactly the same as millions of other children who were raised by religious parents with short fingernails and a lack of biscuits in the house.

But wait! It would appear, like all good religiously reared children, his Southern Baptist upbringing isn’t something he’s particularly fond of when he looks back on it…

“I’ve got my issues with it. Don’t get me started. I found it very stifling.”

It goes without saying that, in America, you MUST AND SHALL be a Christian because, as we all know, America invented Jesus, despite the fact if the Bible Belt saw a bloke from the Middle East walking around trying to convert people to his religion while trashing the occasional market, they’d probably ship him off to Guantanamo Bay before he could say “I’ve not done anything wrong!”

So is Brad Pitt a Godfearing Christian then? America MUST know! Well, he’s not too keen to say (which would suggest he isn’t) and would rather talk about his parenting skills.

“I think of everything I do now that my kids are going to see when they grow up and how are they going to feel. But they know me as a dad… and I hope they’ll just think of me as a pretty damn good actor.”

They’ll probably be mental by the time they’re 16 thanks to their obscene wealth, so while they may well rate your acting prowess, chances are, they’ll be dead-eyed coke fiends so we wouldn’t worry too much.

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Rod Stewart is one of the most unlikely sex symbols in history. Face it, he looks like a melted waxwork of Sarah Jessica Parker crossed with a dead leopard and a nylon bag filled with hammers. Yet somehow, women still want to have sex with him.

One sexual encounter produced a child called Kimberley who, rather than suffering the misfortune of looking like her father, is a carbon copy of Joely Richardson. It’s eerie.

And now, the Russian doll effect continues as she’s about to give birth to a child after Kimberley swapped fluids with ice-cream vendor, Benicio del Toro (who these days, looks like Tim Curry if he lived in a tea pot). This means, for the first time, Rod the Mod is to be a grandfather.

However, this story has a very modern (and rather dull) twist! While Kimberley Stewart and Benicio Del Toro are indeed having a baby together, Del Toro’s spokesperson was incredibly keen to point out that the pair are not a couple.

In fairness to Kim, this is one of her better conquests. She has been seen on the arm/down the throat of Jude Law (who hasn’t?), Jack Osbourne (yes, really), Rhys Ifans and some people you’ve never heard of called Cisco Adler, Talan Torriero and Joe Francis. For all we know, the last three could work in chip shops.

Del Toro is quite the swordsman too, having had flings and romances with Alicia Silverstone, Scarlett Johansson and Minnie Driver.

Alas, Benny Boy isn’t one for settling down. Previously, when asked about it, he indignantly said:

“Why? Everyone says, “Why isn’t he married?” But it’s like, ‘F***! Why do I have to get married? Just so I can get divorced?”

He also described his house as a cave, which makes us hope that his lounge looks exactly like the Vegas hotel room from his scenes in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, complete with flooded floor, crying painter girl and stabbed water melon.

He’ll be a great father!

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Smokers are having a hard time of it in certain quarters. In many places, they’re no longer allowed to smoke in pubs and bars, leaving them to brilliantly stand in doorways blowing stinkin’ plumes over mewing non-smokers as they walk on by.

In parts of America, you can be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay for merely thinking about a crude pencil drawing of cigarettes.

This has seen British actor Jeremy Irons getting all irate, which presumably makes him want to pace around chain-smoking. Y’see, Irons – a man who has absolutely zero colour in his face – is angry at the whole city of New York for new smoking rules, which prompted him into making a rather odd comparison.

Looking at the lack of rights that smokers have, Irons has leapt to his feet, coughed up a greenie and spat that smokers need to be protected like ‘handicapped people and children’.

This all kicked off after NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg banned smoking in city-owned open spaces, yet obviously, didn’t actually go as far as banning tobacco products altogether, nor indeed, actually do something useful like tackling the city’s dreadful heroin problem or the fact that huge sections of the place smell like tramp’s urine.

But we digress.

Irons grimaced:

“I turned vigorously against the mayor because of the new law (banning) smoking in parks or on the beach, which I think is ludicrous and a terrible bullying of a minority that cannot speak back.”

Presumably because they’re too busy having a good time smoking fags or coughing up their lungs through their noses. He added that smokers deserve to be protected like “handicapped people and children”.

This of course, hasn’t gone down well with charitable organisations who work with those with disabilities.

A spokesperson for the National Organization on Disability said:

“It’s a very inappropriate comparison”.

Irons should move to the Czech Republic. You’re given 20 smokes at birth and actively encouraged to smoke inside pubs and bars. And restaurants. And while you’re conducting eye-surgery. And while you’re teaching children to read. It’s fantastic.

LET’S ALL MOVE TO PRAGUE!

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Canada’s shame – Justin Bieber – has spoken of his desire to play the part of Oliver Twist as they share a common heritage. In addition to this, they also share the common trait of being easily led into money that comes around all too easily as the result of singing a few dreary,  saccharine tunes that they didn’t actually write.

Young Justin Haircut’s dream to play the rags-to-riches runt can be traced back to being laughed out of Selena Gomez’s trailer after crawling towards her sighing “Please miss, I want some more.”

Unfortunately for Bieber, no-one on Earth can actually believe that he’s ever read the source material for Lionel Bart’s  “classic” Oliver! Sources close to the star who, like most newspapers, we’ve made up claim that Bieber refuses to go to sleep unless someone reads the novelisation of ‘She’s All That’ to him every night but nothing has been conclusively proven yet.

Libraries up and down Britain have reported that copies of the Dickens classic Oliver Twist which has been dramatised and adapted on numerous occasions have been seen trying to set themselves on fire in anticipation of another screen adaptation starring a doe-eyed, gooey idiot.

In an interview with The Sun, who appear to have a direct line to Bieber, probably through some kind of massive, novelty red phone, he said of his upbringing in a Canadian council flat:

“That place was really dirty. We had mousetraps everywhere because there were mouses – uh, mice – in the house.”

Yes. Justin Bieber thinks mice are called ‘mouses’. We almost did a whole article on that.

“I didn’t have a real bed. I slept on a blue pull-out couch in my room. We didn’t have anything in the fridge, except maybe luncheon meat for school and macaroni and cheese. I’d love to play Oliver Twist.”

Oliver Twist. An orphan who lived in a work house and ate gruel under the draconian “Poor Law” before running away and getting involved with a “lovable” gang of pick-pockets, a violent drunk and a paedophile. Yes, the similarities between the fictional Twist and the seemingly equally fictional Bieber are almost too obvious to be ignored.

Naturally, Oliver came good in the end as Bieber has, becoming a super-rich, in-demand popstar. Of course in the conclusion of Oliver Twist (not the musical) most of the people that had wronged him were either shown the error of their ways, hanged or maimed in preposterous circumstances. Perhaps Bieber and his army of Beliebers will be hoping that the same fate will befall the hecklerspray team.

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