Bloody hell, why aren't people paying attention to the wants and needs of one woman?
OK, let us rephrase that, there are nasty individuals who are making the world's most famous mentalist opera singer a little bit uneasy. Now we're not being cruel, but it's safe to say that Susan Boyle isn't the sanest of folk. Tell her there's a portal to Mars directly through your belly button and she'd try and enter it.
Only the week did we tell you that it's easy to make Susan Boyle cry. Because it's only natural to pick on someone different, a brutish gang of louts laughed and jeered and called her names. Oddly, this was done on a train. Thank christ it wasn?t on a city centre bus. Not only would she have to endure the stench of piss, but potential happy slapping. Now Susan has been reduced to tears by ex-Velvet Underground member Lou Reed. Guess it wasn?t such a perfect day for her! Sorry, it's Friday, we're running short of material.
Lou Reed doesn't seem the sort of man who?d go around stealing sausage rolls from children or pushing pensioners down hills. He looks like the perfect gentlemen who?d go out of his way to help people. Unless Susan Boyle was subjected to his experimental noise album Metal Machine Music, comprised solely of feedback and static, she'd probably find herself not dreaming a dream but locked in an eternal nightmare.
Classical singers like Susan Boyle do one thing only, and that's sing well. You?ll never see her release an album of brand new songs. The entire genre roughly has a few thousand original tracks. These are then rehashed every other year by artists who put their ‘unique’ ‘spin’ on ‘things’. This time, she wanted to have a butchers at the only solo song most people know by Lou Reed, Perfect Day. Like Susan Boyle?s salty tears, stories flooded the interet:
?On Wednesday, TMZ reported that Reed refused to allow the Scottish singer to perform the track on ?Americas Got Talent.? After learning the news, SuBo tearfully departed Los Angeles, according to the website.?
But would we ever copy and paste a quote off the internet, write some jokes around it and then serve up the results to you, our dear readers? Depending on deadlines, possibly, but as the stories developed like mould on a left out piece of toast, it emerged that Lou Reed didn't call her a ?freaky gargoyle Scottish goon? or ?a big lump of wobbling virgin flab? as he turned down the request of poor Susan Boyle.
Access Hollywood clears up the mess for us, ensuring that you can sleep tonight, knowing that the situation is resolved, Lou Reed isn't a dick and Susan Boyle really needs to relax and stop fucking crying when things go wrong:
?Susan not performing was due to ?a contractual thing,? but didn't elaborate beyond his initial comments.?
we're now going to cry ourselves thin that our Godlike editor Stuart Heritage is leaving us, forcing us to become totally independent. We?ll join Susan Boyle in the corner rocking back and forth, wishing for everything to go back to normal.
anon says
Boo hoo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joshua says
So she got upset and has feelings. Such a crime. Still seems like a good person.
This stupid article on the other hand mocking and criticizing her. Simply an evil person who wrote it.
Misti says
Of course you’re being cruel. LOL in fact you are making up cruel stuff that anyone who has halfway been following Susan’s career knows is not even anywhere close to the truth.
hoohaahee says
The people of Scotland would like to, once again, apologize for unleashing this part-shaved-saquatch-in-a-skirt upon the world.
On the other hand, England has given us Simon Fucking Cowell.. so, on second thoughts, we retract the aforementioned apology.