It’s a weird thought, that Strictly Come Dancing will happen tomorrow without Kate Garraway plonking around like a woman without any knees – it’s almost like the Strictly Come Dancing judges are winning.
We can’t let this happen. It’s a little-known fact that when a bad dancer is voted off Strictly Come Dancing, a fairy dies. And is that what you want? Is it? Dead fairies all over the place? No, of course not. That’s why it’s imperative that you keep Kenny Logan in Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow. Yes, the judges will all go bright purple if he isn’t voted out and, yes, he’s very obviously useless at dancing. But Kenny Logan represents the underdog in all of us, and to vote him out would be to succumb to the bullies, to the bosses, to everyone who’s ever held you back in life. Plus he dances like an idiot and it’s funny.
Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Gethin Jones, John Barnes, Alesha Dixon and Matt Di Angelo, with betting odds from Paddy Power…
Gethin Jones – All through Strictly Come Dancing Gethin Jones has had problems expressing passion; although he’s roughly as passionate as a box of three-week-old sawdust, his partner and the Strictly Come Dancing judges all want him to be able to break hymens on sight. Could he manage this with his Rumba to Lost on Saturday’s show? Nope – even though he had an untied bowtie around his neck, all Gethin could manage was a small amount of forehead-touching. That’s a slight improvement on last week’s wink, so there’s still hope for Gethin yet – maybe in about a million years he’ll actually be ready for full sex. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were disappointed too, and marked the dance like a bunch of pensioners who’d misplaced their viagra, telling Gethin that “That was well executed, everything was there, but it lacked the lady killer instinct.” So that’s what Gethin needs to do – murder more ladies. SCORE – 31; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 6/1
John Barnes – Give John Barnes some latin rhythms to dance to and he’ll jolt about like someone’s replaced his lower spine with an electric whisk, but make him do a ballroom dance and he’s rubbish. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, John Barnes did a ballroom dance – a Tango to Dance With Me – so you can probably guess how it went. Apparently the secret to the Tango is all about performance, and anyone who remembers John Barnes’ 1990 advert for Lucozade Sport knows that performance isn’t his strong suit. This was amply reinforced during his routine, where John was concentrating so hard on stopping his hip from spazzing out that all trace of personality was beaten to the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were equally unimpressed, saying “I felt nothing when you did this dance.” Poor lambs. SCORE – 28; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 40/1
Alesha Dixon – It’s getting harder and harder to remember that Alesha Dixon was once in a vaguely urbanish girlgroup who released an album that – we think – was all about how much they liked deviant sexual practises involving tongues and anuses, because on Strictly Come Dancing Alesha Dixon is near-perfect week after week after week. On Saturday, Alesha’s Waltz to A Time For Us was typically flawless and she managed to nail it both technically and emotionally, getting an impossibly high score and leaving the Strictly Come Dancing judges almost speechless: “Floaty, fluid, flawless – I was carried away and I forgot where I was” they said. Alesha Dixon is far and away the favourite to walk off with the Strictly Come Dancing title this year, and that’s the way it’ll stay unless she decides to revisit her arse-tonguing past onstage in the coming weeks. SCORE – 38; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 8/15
Matt Di Angelo – Having barely survived the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off in the previous show, Matt Di Angelo knew he had it all to play for on Saturday’s show, which is why he chose to do an eye-meltingly complicated Quickstep to Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Baby. Leaping about like a gazelle having its hooves shot at by a grizzled old cowboy, Matt somehow overcame the impossible and managed to pull off the whole routine without getting his legs caught around his neck and choking himself to death. And because he didn’t end up kicking himself in the eye, Matt was justly rewarded by the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told him that “That was the most difficult and complex choreography we’ve ever seen on show.” More than that, being in a dance-off also forced Matt to add some humility to the routine, which is why, for the first time, we didn’t want to slap him in his silly little face during the dance. We know. We’re sorry. SCORE – 34; Current Strictly Come Dancing – 5/1
Next week – X Factor betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.