As far as intelligent people go, even we have to admit that Stephen Hawking is quite a clever chap.
After all, he knows the insides of space like a gynaecologist knows the insides of your wife. Putting it in simple terms, Stephen Hawking is the one bloke you'd want to have standing next to you when playing the quiz machine in the pub. He knows everything.
Because he's super duper smart, anything that falls out of Stephen Hawking’s mouth is usually blessed with some degree of credibility. Hawking is even the sort of bloke to make a large McDonalds order sound like the most sophisticated meal ever. But recently, the professor said something that makes us think he's losing a slight grip on reality. Whilst he's not warning against the dangers of walking the streets at night or drunken hecklerspray writers, he instead wants us to be careful of aliens. Just in case they rip off your skin and use it as a tent.
The closest we've ever come to seeing an alien is in the Toy Story films. If we're judging our knowledge based solely on this, then we?d totally embrace an oddly shaped yellow alien and keep it as a pet. Honestly, we promise to wash and feed it every day. But it seems that Stephen Hawking has other opinions on alien critters. Perhaps his sister was abducted like Mulder’s in The X-Files, or he co-scripted episodes of ALF and never got credited. Either way, Stephen Hawking doesn't love our space age friends. Not even Marvin the Martian.
Now we don't want to give the impression that Mr Hawking would set up some sort of death camp for aliens if they did decide to leave their boring office job and present themselves to us. But if an alien named Igziacot decided to introduce himself to you whilst having a shower, Stephen Hawking pretty much advices you to ignore him/her/it and continue your daily routine.
Surely if a foreign creature saw you bollock naked and scrubbing your bits you'd want to probably make some sort of contact with it, even if it was cries of perversion and threats of violence. The average person might, but super human geek Stephen Hawking disagrees. But why? In a quote which would probably please the readership of The Daily Mail, Stephen says:
“We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet.?
Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to us. But after employing a crack team of chimps, we’ve been told that if Stephen Hawking was elected prime minister, he'd close the doors to outer space and ban flocks of alien immigrants using the seas of space to enter Britain illegally. Explaining further, Hawking added:
“Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach. If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn’t turn out well for the Native Americans.”
Once again, the chimps compute that Hawking thinks we have shit for brains compared to our alien counterparts who have shiny minds who could enslave our entire race, butcher our children and makes us all their bitches. Should we stand for this? Should we hell, and we plan to scare the scary aliens away with a method which anyone can do.
Simply write some rude words on some cardboard attached to a Chinese lantern and send in to space. That?ll show them who’s boss.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
stella says
At last, the voice of reason! He must have drawn on some of my comments on the net (I flogged to death the example of the discovery of America by Columbus) or telepathically read my mind. ;-)
Unlike most boffins, he seems to have common sense. In our infinite arrogance, we believe there
wes says
“Might… might… if…” This looks entirely hypothetical to me. I wouldn’t say that he’s gone crazy whatsoever.