Ryan Gosling celebrated his birthday on Monday, making it 32 years since the world became substantially more cool and attractive. In this time of celebration, then; I feel like I need to get something off my chest…
I want to be Ryan Gosling’s stalker.
You may be asking why I wish to follow a famous celebrity around as they go about their daily business. I don’t see how that can even be a question. Who wouldn’t want to discover the secret behind Mr Gosling’s effortless awesomeness? Who wouldn’t want to stare into his steely blue eyes on a daily basis? Just me?
My obsession with Ryan first emerged last September, after I saw Drive for the first time. His brooding, tortured character immediately became an identification figure for myself. I’ve always wanted to be that mysterious guy; but I’ve had to settle for being the guy who wears ironic tees and embarrasses himself a lot. The only interesting thing that happens to me when I drive is several unprovoked instances of road rage, not intricate robberies with life or death consequences.
Ryan’s fashion sense is also something to admire. The guy can make anything look good. Honestly, he could’ve spent the entire durating of The Ides of March wearing a selection of cargo pants and everyone would be wearing them now. He’s that good. I mean, look at that picture of him in a suit. How can a human being possibly look that good? If I tried to pull of that scorpion jacket from Drive, I’d look like I was part of a substandard, overweight bowling team.
Without a doubt, my favourite thing about Ryan is that he is a feminist, or at least less of a misogynist than the majority of other Hollywood stars. He drew praise from feminists for condemning Blue Valentine‘s NC-17 rating, due to an oral sex scene that was similar to one in Black Swan - except Gosling’s film featured a male and a female rather than two chicks. He is also aware of feminine aspects of his personality – which he says he owes to growing up in a predominantly female household.
The views he has expressed have made him something of a feminist icon. In fact, there is an entire website dedicated to it. Feminist Ryan Gosling contains pictures of Gosling with feminist sentiments written over them. Here is one:
So, my plan is as follows: I’m going to work my ass off writing witty critiques of various quasi-celebrities. I’ll scrimp and save every penny I make; I’m not above selling my body to achieve my dream. As soon as I have enough money, I’ll drag my ass over to LA and let the stalking begin.
I’m sure Ryan will be happy for the attention. If I was a celebrity, I would love to have a stalker, it would make me feel loved. As long as I don’t do too much creepy stuff – which I am aware is highly unlikely – I think him and I will get along pretty well. He will eventually relent and let me into his life until we are best friends who have our own private jokes. That’s the dream.
If my plan fails, which I doubt, I’ll just go on with my life. Or get his face tattooed on my face. Whichever is easier.