Here at hecklerspray we live for soaps and spend?literally?weeks minutes gathering insider information to bring you these spoilers every week, and every night before we snuggle up together in our single bed we all sing this while holding hands and remember that even though we’re complete losers, we’ll never be as needy as you lot.
So off we go to Eastenders where Ryan isn’t dead, although, he may as well be by the amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth that’s been going on. Whitney returns home to tell Lauren that Ryan has bolted and between tears, Whitney’s mascara and Lauren’s fringe the likelihood of them being able to see him if he did come back is pretty slim anyway.
Mandy Salter, who left in 1994 returns to Eastenders this week and we really hope she isn’t as annoying as she was back then. Ian Beale goes to a strip club and sees Mandy being thrown out. She then hijacks Beale and returns to Albert Square where the police turn up and Ian gets arrested for attempting to solicit a?prostitute. It gets better. He gets back from the police station, invites Mandy to stay with him where she ?draws a beard on him and hides his phone in a jelly. IN A FUCKING JELLY!!
Kat Slater gets some shocking news when she finds out she’s up the duff again and this time it’s actually to Alfie. Understandably he asks the question though as David Essex has been getting quite a lot of action recently and probably hasn’t been sleeping with the woman who runs his fan club.
Michael is quite annoying now isn’t he?? He’s making?mischief?again this week by trying to convince Anthony that Eddie has forgotten his birthday which is rather lame and he then has a big?juvenile?fight with Janine which results in him drunkenly ending up in Janine’s bed trying to remember if they threw their uglies up each other or not.
Norman tries to make a move on Pat and we wonder whether the people who write this awful dreck think we’re all mental enough to buy this.
As we predicted Harry returns to help our Jodie with her wedding but only on the condition that Vanessa stays away. OH WHO CARES??
Next we stagger off to Coronation Street where Kylie decides to apologise??to Audrey but Audrey is having none of it and tells her to piss off forthwith. ?She then decides to steal Nick’s keys and lock Gayle out but how will David react when he comes home? We don’t know, but this is exactly the sort of things that can be created by TV’s greatest minds. We should be thankful really.
Idiot Tyrone comes up with a genius plan with Kirk ?to take pictures of Leon’s drug deals and blackmail him but they soon realise that it maybe wasn’t the brightest move in the world when he attacks them with a baseball bat. ?So they accidentally kidnap him instead.
Carla has cold feet about the wedding, Steve is wondering where the hell Tracy is and Becky is still there despite our recent online campaign.
Finally, we run screaming towards River City where Jo is still determined to take revenge on Gabriel and tells Lenny that the plan is still going ahead. However, as in all soaps hating someone means you really want to do unspeakable naked things to them and Molly walks in on Jo and Gabriel kissing like perverts.
Elsewhere Big Bob has been kissing Iona despite the fact he’s about to get married to Tattie and after we’d finished laughing at that name we discovered there’s also a character called Madonna and we all went to live in a cave where we never have to be subjected to this nonsense ever again.
Until next week ingrates.
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