Spoiling soaps time! Hurray! Don’t complain. It’s not like the headline didn’t warn you that we’re about to tell you things that are about to happen in your favourite soap opera. Only a bovine brained div would whine about such things.
Sadly, many of you are indeed, moo-headed simpletons, but that probably says more about us than you.
Anyway, first up it’s Eastenders where Vanessa’s broken heart causes her to throw a wobbler of epic proportions when she confronts Tanya over her affair with the very average Max Branning. ?She trashes the house, attacks Jack and is finally thrown out on her arse by an angry Carol who should be happy as a clam, given that she recently slept with David Essex. Rock on. She then finds out that Jodie has told her dad Harry how worried she is about her mum and this reminds us that there’s a character called Harry who’s probably due to pop up again at some point.
Tanya goes to see Doctor Devious who?tells her to go for a?biopsy?as soon as possible and the results as predicted are bad news – she has cancer. ?Does she tell her loved ones? No. We expect a ‘shock?revelation’ storyline at some point.
Meanwhile Michael Moon?decides?to offer Vanessa a big pile of cash to be mean ?to his dad and we get quickly bored and wish someone would fall off a roof again. Ian confesses to Rebecca that Jane isn’t actually dead, Whitney goes on a date with someone called Lee who’s in cahoots with her old pimp fella Rob and Norman is upset when Jean is his ‘Pearly Queen’ and not gigantic, make-up gun faced Paaaat.
Next we stumble over the cobbles to Coronation Street where Frank proposes to Carla in the Rovers who decides?she needs time to think because she secretly still fancies that Peter and we need time think about how we wouldn’t be forced to watch this drivel if we’d taken up that job offer in space.
Jailbird Fiz discovers that Ruth may be using her baby to smuggle drugs into the prison after finding Ginny unconscious in her cell from an overdose. ?Will she tell the?governor? Will the person who plays the governor ever get any proper acting work ever again?
Meanwhile, in the cafe, Sylvia starts charging the locals to use the toilet. They are of course outraged and Norris even snatches the key to avoid paying. No really. Yes, we’re glad we’re nor responsible for?writing?this nonsense either. Tommy makes a meal for Tina who may just ditch him for Doctor Carter after he chats her up in the pub and Carla and Leanne scrap in the street like two big chavvy would-be looter swine.
Finally we head to Emmerdale where Nikhil and the factory girls are still squabbling and he is humiliated when his brother manages to get them to go back to work. ?Amy is shocked when Jared appears from nowhere and she’s convinced he’s going to cause trouble, which is probably a very good guess?because?she did break up his family by shagging his dad after all.
Staying on the shagging theme, Amy and Cain have made a baby it seems but Cain isn’t happy about?becoming?a father again and holds her captive until she agrees to have an abortion.
What a catch.
David ?makes a right tit of himself by stumbling into the pub wearing Leyla’s wedding dress, which is just about the most exciting thing that’s happened in the Dales since an aeroplane fell on Frazer Hines head.
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