We have news to make you skip to work this morning! You big girls. No more Guns N’ Roses! EVER!
Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.
Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?
The singer, epileptic dancer and all-round ginger bellhead made the promise in an interview with Spinner.com, during which he got in a right tizzy about former bandmate and professional labradoodle impersonator, Slash:
“He either should not have been in Guns to begin with or should have left after Lies … and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters, the better.”
Boom! In your face (after parting your curly ladyhair)! Axl don’t just hate you but your bitchass fans, too, who must be crazy for buying your albums, like the ones when you were with… that band… some years ago… oh, shit.
Apparently, the guy from Spinner stopped the interview shortly after Axl promised he wouldn’t get back together with his former bandmates.
He rushed off to the shops to buy a backup voice recorder, a backup to the backup voice recorder, some pens and paper for a lawyer to draw up a legally binding contract, and thirty seconds of airtime during every commercial break in the world for the next fifty years just to show a looped video of Axl Rose saying “I definitely honestly promise and swear and assert and affirm that my wanky band will never no way not ever get back together ever again”.
Of course, Axl Rose is secure in the knowledge that his own career is going so well, what with the release of a less-than-mega selling album featuring a guitar player who nonces round with a bucket on his head.
So, Axl, are you sure there could there never be a reconciliation?
“There’s zero possibility of me having anything to do with Slash other than by ambush, and that wouldn’t be pretty.”
No, it certainly wouldn’t.
It would be hilarious. An ambush of Slash by Axl Rose would look a lot like an elderly stoat – one with a disastrously ill-advised hairweave – leaping onto the back of a drunk badger wearing a tophat.
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Stabby McGee says
Holy shit, I just felt a pang of Cretinous Hecklerspray Reader Incoherence Syndrome (C.H.R.I.S) after reading this article. Anyway, it passed.
Suffice to say you’re talking cock, Mr. Gibbo.
NYJ says
Ignorant self-amused jackass.
Gibbo says
Hi NYJ. It’s a moot point, as in either case you’re correct, but I was wondering: me or him?
Stabby: ‘Talking Cock With Mr Gibbo”. I like it, the Beeb liked it, you’ll be seeing the first series in the autumn.
Gibbo says
Sorry, just to clarify and so as not to offend: ‘him’ was Axl, not Stabby.
Stabby McGee says
I think Richard Herring’s already done that, Gibbo. Either way, wouldn’t be the first time someone stole his thunder.
Gilbert Wham says
What? What are you people talking about? Are there no angry people to mock? Please? I can’t read any more gibberish from Chris Brown/Rihanna fans, I simply can’t.
dudelookslikealady123 says
axl will never fail us! the new album may be #123 on the charts now but at least it’s been on for 12 weeks and is still going. hopefully axl will release the better vid, a few more singles, a few more vids, the two new versions with the new artwork, the rock band game and ther tour, things will start looking better for this record. it deserves to be #1. its a good record.
Austin says
You don’t deserve to even talk about music this is a pathetic website. Don’t write about how crappy Guns N’ Roses is they brought rock n roll back and than killed it, they were amazing with their original line up songs like Paradise City and of course welcome to the jungle are kick ass songs, if you don’t like any of those songs you don’t deserve to listen to music. Obviously you have no taste in music and therefore you shouldn’t even be writing on this crappy website. All I am saying is get your facts straight before you write all this bullshit, your pathetic.
Edgar bitch says
slash Rocks!!!!! that is all.
Tom J says
Guns ‘n’ Roses clocked up and impressive 8.5 on the homoerotimeter back in the day. I can’t help feeling some relief that those days are definitely behind us but let’s be honest, this isn’t the last we’ve heard of Axl Rose’s auditory diarrhoea. Just because he has less friends now doesn’t mean he’s going to stop punishing us with his “music”. Thankfully it will take him until approximately 2025 to write another album.
Worth mentioning, Buckethead is no longer in Guns ‘n’ Roses and to be perfectly honest, he had more talent that anyone else in the band during his time as a member. So what if the guy is certifiable – as Ozzy Osbourne once said, “he plays like a motherfucker”.
vsfbadfbadvb says
Who the hell wrote this BS article. It sucks!
Gibbo says
vsfbadfbadvb: much like your mother, if what the chaps down at the docks tell me is correct.
Oh, and one of them asks if your sister could return the right sleeve from his favourite sweater, he lost it somewhere in her chuff. Thank you so much.
Perhaps your father, suitably roped to a fixed point of course, could venture in to retrieve it? He certainly won’t need a map, from what I hear.
Ivetta says
Really baaaaaaaaad article. ; )
/GN’R ftw./
Dee T says
Axl Rose rocks GnR best band ever. Why should he ever be on stage with Slash anyway after the way Slash talked about him. Axl should just punch him in the face if he ever see’s him again. He is our hometown hero, but also one great F#c*$ng musician.
Can says
This article is quite possibly the most absurd, commonplace idiocy I have quite possibly ever heard. Guns N Roses are one of the most influencial bands in history, and your musical ignorance, shallowness and superficiality and intolerability just proves your naive and childishness. This article does not look at any facts, even quotes. You probably have never even bothered to listen to any of their songs. This is honestly so stupid you have the vocabulary and integrity of a 5-year-old.
And for the record, I love Axl Rose’s style, which in itself has influenced fashion, and I think he’s the best-looking man I have ever seen, and his music is real, and passionate. He pours his heart and soul into every song, and that’s what makes him such a respected and distinguished frontman and lyricist. As for Slash, he is undeniably a legend, and an likewise an inspiration to a plethora of artists, yet you write nothing of their music other than your stupid babble, for lack of a better word.
lokoloko says
Guns n Roses is terrible, just a terrible bad band. They suck