Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way.
We’re not experts, so we don’t know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple.
Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
There’s no doubting Angelina Jolie’s power, is there? Obviously that’s reliant on the assumption that you equate someone’s power with their ability to a) weedle in on their boyfriend’s fame, b) sporadically go to Africa to pull sad faces for the paparazzi and c) professionally alternate between making lowbrow films that nobody likes and highbrow films that nobody watches, but whatever.
It doesn’t matter what you think about Angelina Jolie, because she’s powerful. No, scrap that – she’s all-powerful. Cross Angelina Jolie and she’ll summon up the energy from the universe and kill you with a blast of electricity that comes straight out of her eyes. Or, you know, she’ll get her bodyguard to beat you up a bit. They’re essentially the same thing.
How do we know that Angelina Jolie is so powerful? Because Forbes magazine says she is. Angelina has made the top spot of Forbes‘ annual Celebrity 100 list, beating off the likes of Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Jason Orange out of Take That, Carol Vorderman, the woman off the Claims Direct advert and Ghandi. Why is Angelina Jolie so powerful? We’ll let AP explain that:
The actress grabbed the No. 1 spot on the magazine’s annual Celebrity 100 list, which ranks the rich and famous based on media exposure and career earnings over the past year. Jolie, a reigning tabloid fixture, earned $27 million, bumping her up from third place on last year’s list, Forbes said, adding that she wields more power due to high-profile turns in hit films such as “Wanted” and “Kung Fu Panda.”
Oh, that makes sense. Last year, after all, Angelina Jolie starred in Wanted, Changeling and Kung Fu Panda, so let that be a lesson to anyone who wants the sort of power that Angelina Jolie currently wields – you need to star in one identikit action film with a pointlessly generic title, one over-long piece of failed Oscar bait where all you need to do is cry and repeat “I want to find my son” endlessly for two and a half hours, and a quite-good film in which you neither physically appear or have much to do with at all.
Oh, and shack up with Brad Pitt. That last one’s probably key.
Still, Angelina Jolie being named as the world’s most powerful celebrity isn’t all bad news. It almost certainly means that Jennifer Aniston is going to do something properly mental any minute now. And bloody well hooray for that.
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