Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful.
His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity – it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence.
But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared – like some sort of maniac – that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.
How dare he! Do you see us calling his body of work ‘ghastly’? No, of course not, it’d be damn rude of us but, seeing as he started it, eat this Attenborough: Erm…uh…oh, there’s nothing good to say…uh, may have to resort to childishness…yep, it seems so…why don’t you go fuck a panda, you bloody, grey, arse-head!
In an interview about the current state of UK television and the BBC in particular, the senile fuddy-duddy said this:
It’s all about celebrity, which is a disaster; it’s ghastly. The celebrity cult means you are famous without talent. The BBC is as guilty as the other channels. Popularism has pervaded our society. It is a distorted form of democracy and egalitarianism. Celebrity is a legacy from the time when the BBC was seen to be patrician and condescending, and knowing what was best for the rest.
Ooh, check out Mr Big-Words! You think you’re so clever cos you know what words like ‘egalitarianism’ and ‘patrician’ mean, yeah? Well, if you’re mister-know-it-all, then why don’t you tell us what Britney Spears has been up to recently?
You don’t know, do ya? Are you an idiot, David? Are ya? Because we all know – she went to the beach. How do you feel now? Like scum? We bet you haven’t even got the slightest inkling as to when Jamie-Lynn Spears last went shopping for baby items.
Get with the times, Grandad. You’re the same as all the other OAPs out there: ‘Oh, I don’t understand how to work the remote, so I will therefore come to the conclusion that VCRs are the devil’s work’.
Just because you don’t understand the allure of hounding talentless freaks into an early grave, David, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Lest we forget, you are a celebrity yourself – is this merely jealousy rearing its ugly head? No one takes pictures of you down the beach, do they? No, and there’s a bloody good reason for it.
And so, regrettably, we here at hecklerspray encourage you to find yourself a nice pair of slippers, as well as a large vat of Night Nurse, and silently rest through until your time here has expired, like any other self-respecting old person would.
(If you are interested in reading a far less silly, more in-depth and generally better version of this story, then please follow the link below)
Read More – Sir David Attenborough enters political jungle – Telegraph
Harry says
Personally I’d rather go to the beach with Britney and sit idly on the sand reflecting on the teachings of Jesus, which are quite nice. But I won’t pray to David Attenborough, dead or alive, even if there’s an earthquake, nor to the BBC.
euclid says
Wow, Harry, you’ve just set a new standard in brain-rot.
What makes you think that an erst fuck-puppet would
have any interest in hearing you ramble on about some
towel-wearing 2,000 year-old dead guy with a beard?
And who, by the by, gives a flying fuck what you pray to?
Keep your pious pie hole well glued. Toad.
carmela says
i love david attenborough!!
I wish he was my grandad!!!
flierpa says
attenborough is the don.
more shows with him and his ever so soothing voice and enthusiastic love of nature. he’s a real person, unlike the celebrity culture he so correctly denounces. (eh… i still read the gossip though *cough*).
Rob Delaney says
What, no Americans flooding the comments section with vitriolic outpourings based upon their failure to understand satire?
I’m disappointed.