Now, this isn't going to be easy:? We don't like seeing Simon Cowell?s name in the same sentence as the word sex as much as you, but this is going to be a difficult story to write without having them in some kind of proximity.
So let's get it out of the way early, shall we? Simon Cowell: sex. Simon Cowell having sex. Simon Cowell watching you have sex. Simon Cowell ?having sex with your elderly mother. Simon Cowell reaching a thunderingly smug orgasm inches away from your face as he bounces around on top of you. Simon Cowell mopping his seed from you with a clearly stained rag that he keeps by the side of the bed while you contemplate what your life has become. That wasn’t so hard, right?
Oh, wait. This story has nothing to do with Simon Cowell actually having sex? Sorry for putting those thoughts in your head. ?Should really pay more attention.
This is apparently because Simon Cowell doesn’t mind if the contestants this year cop off with each other and start using his house as some kind of free-for all fuckhouse. Apparently – according to sources in we’ve invented – he has even bleached his vast collection of rubber instruments to make them feel at home.
Anyway, Now Magazine wails:
‘I am just trying to encourage them this year to be their age and do what they like if they want to have a career as a pop star, and for everyone to be a bit more relaxed about it,’ explains Simon, 50. ‘These kids who come here, they are young guys and they should be making noise, having fun and going out. And I can’t tell people when they can and can’t have sex.’
Heck knows why he has decided to announce this this year. Don’t know – or care – that this wasn’t what usually happened. But know he’s said that it’s got us thinking that he almost definitely kept them in some kind of big cage in the previous years.
Probably forced them to cry at gunpoint so that he could bolster up the weepy backstories, the (probable) bastard. Who knows?
If it’s not that, then it’s bound to be that his engagement to Mezhgan Hussainy has already gone a bit south, so he’s intentionally picked the loosest bunch of finalists he could find so that he can get them lathered up on his fancy booze and have a bit of a go himself. I mean, seriously, for what other reason would he have put Chloe Mafia through other than she looks like she might sleep with you if you offered her another coat of creosote?
Looks like it backfired though, thanks to the stupid cocaine allegations. Now he’s going to have to have a crack at someone else, hopefully Treyc. Mainly because it’s likely to end with him swallowing his own shoes as he tries to pronounce her name.