When Lex Luther was gonna explode all of California into the ocean to increase his slightly-east of California property value, we handled it just fine. When Magneto refuted Jean Grey's love just before she disintegrated into the netherverse, and the last thing she felt on this mortal plain was such a tremendous sadness, well, we handled that fine too.
That is how the third X-Men ended, right? We're not entirely sure because after the first gruelling 20 minutes we were too busy phone-googling ways to kill ourselves with popcorn to pay attention. Sure, walking out would have been easier, but we paid full price, dang-it!
The upcoming Fantastic Four movie, the one that apparently stars the Terminator II villain on a boogie board, well it could very well be heading down a similar path. To make matters worse, this movie's not content with simply inspiring millions to end it all. Rather, it wants to drag down the entire US monetary system with it – and that's why the Silver Surfer now appears on the flip side of lots and lots of real quarters – without the U.S. Mint's permission.
The forthcoming film Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is pioneering a new promotion method. Since becoming a brand of cereal is passe, and regular commercials can only push things to a measly $56 million opening box office weekend, a new advert-route has been sought out – printing the surfer's conspicuously non-president face on actual money.
Although from all we're told the Surfer will no doubt reign supreme on Earth in the next few weeks or so, putting his face on money now seems like an uncalled for surrender. If the world can't unite to conquer someone that glistens so delicately in the sun, we don't deserve this planet anyway.
20th Century Fox doesn't care. When the shiny one arrives and starts barking out orders they want to be firmly in his good graces, likely hoping for some kind of nice castle or a tax reprieve. That's why they've already joined forces with The Franklin Mint to stamp the Silver Surfer onto loads of quarters. The coins feature the standard George Washington decapitated head on one side, and the Surfer on the flip.
Problem is the US Mint wasn't made aware of the promotion until it had already happened. When they did, they issued Fox and Franklin a statement:
"The promotion is in no way approved, authorized, endorsed, or sponsored by the United States Mint, nor is it in any way associated or affiliated with the United States Mint."
On top of that, it's illegal. Will anyone go to jail over it? Doubtfully – but then we couldn't afford it now either. With the Surfer's impending attack we'll need as many people on our sides as we can get. And we need to get everyone armed, pronto. We can do this – after all, it wasn't so long ago a different superhero was killed.
That's why hecklerspray recently cranked our generations-old family Korean nunchuck factory into full production. Our predominantly Asian-toddler working staff have sacrificed their lunch hour for most of their lives to get you all properly armed.
Let not their sacrifice be in vain. Did we mention our payment plans?
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