Up until today I had no idea that anyone was even accusing Kris Humphries of giving them herpes, but the more I think about it, I’m amazed, SHOCKED even, that this is the first time someone who’s banged a Kardashian has been accused of having an STD.
After Kim quit his ass after 72 so she could ride on Kanye West’s moody dick and make baby North by North West, Kris Humphries had a one night stand with some skag named Kayla Goldberg. Not long after, Kayla was suing his ass for giving her the gift that keeps on giving: herpes.
Kris Humphries must be sitting at home with a perpetual look of this on his face:
(I’m on a Kristen Wiig GIF kick) First, Kris Jenner pressures him to marry Kim’s ass after 6 months of dating, then Kim plans this ridiculous multi-million dollar wedding that gets televised, then their shitty marriage gets played out on HER tv show, making him look like a huge cunt, then she leaves his ass after two and a half months, hooks up with Kanye West and gets pregnant ASAP, and now some bitch is accusing him of giving her herpes. Dude reminds me of a less intelligent version of Frankenstein, but I feel for him, you know?
Anyway, Kris obviously wanted to prove that he wasn’t the Roberto Alomar of basketball* so he got that shit tested right away and showed everyone that he did not in fact have herpes, thus making this chick’s claims totally bogus.
Her response was essentially: well I have herpes now so I assumed I got it from him.
Girl, this isn’t slut shaming, but if you’re having one night stands with pro-atheletes there is obviously a chance you’re going to get an STD as they are rolling in the puss. I know that if I banged a dude that used to bang a chick who got famous for letting a guy pee on her I’d assume maybe it was him who gave me herpes, but I wouldn’t make that shit public unless I knew for sure. Scratch that, if I had herpes I would NEVER make that shit public.
The judge will make his final ruling on the case in July, but I think it’s safe to say that Kris Humphries has once again dodged another bullet.
*Roberto Alomar was my big athlete crush in the 90s when he played for the Toronto Blue Jays. I had a poster of his sexy ass next to my bed that I would kiss every night before I went to sleep. Then I grew up and found out he had AIDS and was barebacking chicks and not telling them he had AIDS and got the bejesus sued out of him. Though he’s never publicly admitted to having AIDS, you don’t pay someone $15 million to shut up about your AIDS unless you actually have it. Man, sometimes your childhood heroes turn out to be the worst.