Yep, that’s right. LaBeouf’s done with studio films. He’s ready to shed his Sam Witwicky skin and focus all of his energy on becoming an indie darling, a la Sean Penn or Daniel Day-Lewis. His words, not mine. This newfound desire to become a strictly ‘method’ actor has got him doing all kinds of cah-ray-zy things, like drinking real moonshine, dropping real acid, and having lots of real sex. “There’s no room for being a visionary in the studio system,” he says.
Wondering how Shia has managed to transform himself into this “visionary” he speaks of? Here’s how I think it went down.
After deciding that he probably needed to look homeless, I suppose he sat there twirling his long curls and stroking his spotty beard, thinking to himself, How can I make myself seem like a more credible act-or? …I know! I’ll go full frontal in this weird-ass Sigur Ros video!
Every good actor knows that getting buck naked equals insta-credibility. Bravo, Shia. You’ve taken the first step.
Next, for his role in prohibition-era Lawless, he figured that he needed to drink real, true-to-life moonshine while on set. Ya know, to show his honest reaction to that liquid lightning. I’m guessing he also made his own in a distillery located in the backwoods of Tennessee.
He probably brought it to set in a horse and buggy, keeping it hidden with a canvas tarp, so he could pull it back very sneakily and say, “Shhh don’t let the feds get wind of this.” But it turns out that he couldn’t just take it like a man. Apparently it was “rough, really rough.” This is the big leagues, dude. Step it up.
With the moonshine as a warm-up, it’s only natural that his next step be tripping out on LSD in The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman. See, this is where he compares himself to Sean Penn. “What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to.” But, but, wait. Sean Penn didn’t actually electrocute himself, so your point is moot. I know, I know, you’re just trying to keep it real. It’s cool.
And finally, he decided that he needed to take it a step further. So he ran as fast he could away from the dog and pony studio sets, right into the arms of Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac. Apparently Shia was chomping at the bit for this role, but he’s also “terrified about working for von Trier.” Yeah, well I’d be fucking terrified too. After making it through Antichrist without passing out, I felt like I deserved a gold medal and a large supply of happy drugs. But, he’s determined.
So determined that he allegedly sent von Trier sex tapes of himself with girlfriend Karolyn Pho to “audition” for the part. I’m pretty sure he was joking when he said this, but he’s so obviously desperate that I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actually true.
What I do know is that his woman is none too happy with the idea of her fella sticking his p in someone other chick’s v. That just comes with the territory when you’re dating a character actor, I guess. So good for you, Shia. Go have some sex on film all for the sake of your art.