WARNING: Popular contortionist and nutbag yodeller Shakira has gone feral and may have killed no or more men.
It’s true. Last week, two eyewitness videos appeared on YouTube showing the diminutive singer grievously attacking two men in New York City. Now literally fives of YouTubers across the globe have posted similar videos, in which many of the attackers don’t actually resemble Shakira in any way.
We can only conclude that Shakira is a shapeshifter and that you, reader, may be in danger even as you read this.
Look around you. Shakira could be anything – your Adam Lambert poster, your diet pills, any one of your porcelain unicorn figurines. If you suspect a unicorn figurine of being Shakira, DO NOT engage it in a phoned-in, atonal rap.
We haven’t heard from Wyclef Jean in days.
And this is so unexpected. We assumed that Shakira Shakira Beyonce Beyonce Benecol Alhambras was lounging on some irradiated Colombian beach, dreaming up another album’s worth of songs about horses and thongs, advising Gordon Brown on public policy, and popping out her ribcage for passing children.
Instead she’s gone loco for the taste of human flesh. That Shakira, she crazy!
But was she ever truly human?
Think about it: could a human voice sound simultaneously like a goat being slaughtered and a small abused child whimpering in the corner of a crumbling bedsit?
Could a human hand pen lyrics like “I’d rather eat my soup with a fork” or dislocate and reset their hipbone so rapidly that you feared they’d explode in a malevolent man-eating mess of yawning red maw and tentacles, like John Carpenter‘s The Thing?
Unfortunately Shakira is still at large. But some kind vigilante soul called She Wolf Hunter has set up a YouTube channel to collect all the video evidence, plus a website and Twitter feed called She Wolf is Coming to keep track of the latest attacks.
Meanwhile, if you see Shakira, our advice is:
1. Get to higher ground immediately. A medium-sized dining chair should do it.
2. Ask her hips a question to which you know the truthful answer. If they say something like “you eat too much cheese and you’re not fooling anyone with that haircut”, it’s probably Shakira. RUN AWAY!
3. Take a good long look at her breasts. Are they quite tall with snow and mountaineers on top? They’re probably mountains. You’re safe.
Now, some people have said that Shakira hasn’t killed anyone at all, and that we’re idiots to take this literally because it’s just a bizarre viral campaign building up to the release of her new single, She-Wolf. AND TO THOSE PEOPLE WE SAY… oh.
Oh right. Yeah, that makes sense.
Get down off that chair, you look ridiculous.
This was a guest blog by the frankly godlike Robyn Wilder from the terrifying hard-hitting feminist blog Dollymix. Visit the site and then build a small shrine to her or something.